My Husband Doesn't Want to Have Child with Me and I Desperately Do.

Perhaps you have been praying the wrong way. I don't intend to hurt your feelings here, but praying for what you want is SOO self-centered... why not pray for relief from your desire to have another baby, pray for contentment with your life and within your marriage, pray for a desire to be happy for your husband's son on his wife's pregnancy...? God grants our prayers when we pray with His will in mind, not our own. It is evident that it is not likely you will be pregnant with your husband, so pray for contentment with that. Pray that you will be a good wife to your husband and that you can honor him by fulfilling the commitment you made to him when you married. (The commitment you made KNOWING he didn't want more children)...

Perhaps you could check into becoming a foster parent to babies on a temporary basis? Or something like that. Maybe you could be a sitter for the new grandson?

You went into this marriage with all the facts: He is 13 years your senior and has done the parenting thing and is done with it, and has the vasectomy to prove it. You have a child of your own already. You both have a previous failed marriage.
Trust me, at 47 years old, your husband is not looking to start over again with a baby. You said, "if he can be so happy to receive a grandson (whom he will probably have to help support since they are young(20 & 21) and financially unstable with no college/tech school/skills), why can't he be just as happy to have a child with me?". Well... for one thing, he is NOT responsible to raise it. Sure he may provide some temporary assistance here and there for his son, but honestly... unless you take the baby into your house and he signs a contract that obligates him financially for the next 18 years.. it is in NO WAY even SIMILAR. He is at the point where he is looking forward to retirement in not so many years... not car shopping with a teenager, and the stress of worrying what kind of trouble a teenager will get into.. he's DONE all that. And probably relieved (and happy) that his kids are grown and on their own. He can sit back and spoil the new grandkid, and send him HOME when he is tired out or has something else he wants to do.

You may need to get some counseling if you are having these issues cyclically... perhaps some of it is hormone related... talk with your doctor. Depression can be subtle, too. Please seek help, but don't expect your husband to change. He told you up front what he wanted out of life. You can't "convince" him that he was wrong... you are being unrealistic if you think you can change his mind.

Please pray for contentment, rather than fulfillment of your every desire. You will find your prayers answered much more quickly.

God Bless you.

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You've got to stop sabotaging your marriage. Get some counseling at your church, local health department or ask your doctor for a referral. Please ask for a hormone test. Balancing the hormones is very important.

You can also volunteer at the hospital or day care centers, taking care of children (even at the gym)
You absolutely need to fulfill this desire but not at the expense of your marriage. And also, take some of this energy and place it positively in the direction of the expectant couple.
They are your family. Just think how happy you will be to care for the infant.

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Hi S.! I think the birth of a grandchild is the best thing that could have happened to you. Why? Well, because you can help in raising that child. You mentioned neither of the parents work nor have any training. Obviously, they cannot live off the government or depend on dear ol' dad for the rest of their lives. Why not encourage the parents to work during the daytime and go to school in the evenings so they can have a career and support this child financially? It seems you work during the day, but you're home in the evening, so you could take care of the baby while they're going to night school, and this would help satisfy your maternal instincts until they're ready to raise that child on their own after becoming financially independent. Your husband would also win as the baby would go back home to the parents after they come home, so he doesn't have to deal with night time crying or night time feedings, if that's what turns him off from the idea of wanting kids. Make it clear to him that you do not expect him to have any responsibilities like changing diapers, and that the baby will only be there for a few hours. If they cannot handle work and school, they can just do either/or and let you have the baby for a few hours on some evenings, that way you'd be a free baby sitter for them and they'd get a break from the baby to have some time to themselves (like date time), which would also satisfy your motherly instincts. Nothing wrong with grandma being close to the baby, it would do you all a lot of good, the son would feel you're not the stereotypical "evil stepmother", the wife would have some time for herself, the baby would have a loving grandma that it can grow up to trust, and your husband would only have to be around the baby for a few hours per week. I have known lots of parents that had the grandparents raise their kids during infancy because they had to work or wanted to finish their education, and the kids now go to grandma for advice or to tell her personal information since they feel they can trust her and won't get the same judgmental attitudes or punishment as they would from their parents. Better that they trust a family member and form strong bonds with family than a stranger that can lead them down the wrong path.

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Hi S.,

I know you've already gotten an earful of advise, and probably not what your heart really wants to hear. And the reason for this is very simple: you went into that relationship know very well what to expect. He had the decency to be honest and tell you where he stood. Now, unfortunately, you are trying to change the rules of the game on him, and that is absolutely unfair. While I do understand your desire to have another child, I also realize that by getting married to him, you accepted the conditions, and that is not to say that rules cannot be changed along the game, but they have to be agreed upon by all involved.
He reminded you of his position by telling you he is not interested. And by sulking, crying and being depressed, you are acting like a victim. And that you are not! And if you keep it up, you are going to loose him, because he is going to feel the pressure and the resentment you will inevitably feel toward him.
You got married to a man who told you he wanted no more kids, you did not listen to yourself, and you made a promise that is so hard to follow through on... Now your options are limited. You can either not listen to your soul (that is telling you to have another child)and that will ruin your marriage or you can listen to your husband (and that is ignoring yourself)and spend the rest of your life resenting him for not wanting to sacrifice for you...
I really think you both need some counseling to help you resolve this issue and your feelings. Because in the end, both of you will resent one another and that, child or no child, will surely end it for you two.
As a woman myself, I often wonder why we get into relationships with a desire to change something about a man. The truth is, though we think they play games, more often then not, they give us there playing rules on the first date... We just think that if we love them enough, we will make them change their minds... So untrue!

I really wish you the best, and I truly pray that you will not decide to bring a child that is unwanted by one of his parents into this world...

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S., your sound soooo sad, and your husband so opposed to having another child is like you're on two different planets. He sounds awfully egotistical and/or afraid because of his past experience.You should both get therapy NOW. Maybe it won't change your minds but you will be able to work some things out. You are a good mother with many hats on and a responsible person. Keep the faith.
As for your stepson's child, be happy for them. Keep their happiness separate from your problem. It is not their fault.
Get professional help. Good luck

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Hello S.,

My heart goes out to you - it really does and I am sure you are not going to want to hear this but the TRUTH is....Your husband told you UPFRONT that he did NOT want to have anymore kids and that FACT will probably remain so. So many times women think that they will be able to change a man's mind, but the sad fact is, they can't. Your husband is 47 years old with two adult children and is pretty much "set" on what he does want and doesn't want in his life. I would say to YOU - don't waste your early years of marriage hoping, crying, agonizing over something that will probably never happen. Enjoy your marriage and the child that you DO have. Be glad that you have had the opportunity to bring forth a child - a BLESSING - into this world. Some women, unfortunately will never experience that - and you have. If you love your husband the way you say you do, and I believe you do, then just enjoy the life you have with him and don't push him away. You do NOT want another failed marriage, especially over something that you already knew before you got married.
I will be praying for you as I see how this is agonizing for you and you need not waste your young life being upset, crying, etc. Enjoy your husband and your son with activities together and enjoy the life that you had initially accepted - with no more children or else you may lose your husband and you DON'T want that I am sure.

Praying for your strength,
K. B

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Hi S.,
Every being on this planet has his/her traumas, phobias and/or quirks. My son returned from his 10 yr high school reunion horrified. He told me that all his friends are broke, and very angry because their first marraige did not work and they must pay child support for at least 20 years. Consequently my son is 48 and not married, whatsmore when a girlfriend tells him "I'm pregnant" he tells her "How much?, I'm not ready to be a father yet".
I guess I'll be a grandmother in my next lifetime.

If you and your husband have children, I don't understand why do you want to start again? Most of us are real happy to be free. Having a baby is hard work, not to mention how you can't be spontaneous anymore. you can't just up and go to a movie or a dinner out, because now you have to find a sitter. Please get help, your not thinking normally.

Sorry to be so blunt,
Please Don't Ruin a good marriage ,
D. P.

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Hello S.,

I know you have a desire to have a child but your husband was honest with you in the beginning of your relationship and marriage that he did not want to have any more children. You did not take him serious and in the back of your mind you actually thought you could change his mind. Just as you are thinking of your age, have you thought that he was thinking of his age too? Your husband is 47 with a child and grandchild near the same age!!!! I am sure the holy spirit has brought to your rememberance of the choices you make there will be a consequence to the decision. Consequences come with all decisions we make in life. The lession is learning from pass mistakes. You need to keep in mind to be careful of what you pray for because I am sure when you were raising your son by yourself you were praying for a husband but you did not provide God with all your desires. Now since God has blessed you with a husband who loves you for you as God loves him and now you are asking God for a child from your husband who strongly emphasized that he did not want any more children. Instead of praying for God to change your husband's mind, you should ask God to help you to accept his (God) will to be done in your marriage. This is your time to get closer with the lord and allow him to direct your steps and not your personal emotional feelings direct your steps. God is able, but you have to allow GOD to drive not satan. Do not let satan play with your mind because he can actually destroy your marriage.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately, but my heart hurts as I read this, and my eyes are full of tears for you. I believe God places this holy desire within us, and it's so frustrating when it cannot be filled. I have struggled with this too (I feel like I was meant to have lots of babies, and my husband's not interested), and understand your hope and misery each month as your cycle progresses. I have been there, and it's so hard not to let your life revolve around it when you have the "baby bug." The only thing that helped me was to cry out to the Lord and let Him fill that place. It's a day by day struggle, but I guess it will get easier over time.

Although I totally feel for you and wish you could have your heart's desire (why don't they understand that they will LOVE their child and not wish he had never been in 20 years, but that you will be filled with regret????), I have also gotten pregnant with 2 more children than my husband wanted, and it has been VERY difficult between us as a result. We had lots of problems before, but it's been extra tough since I got pregnant with the first one he didn't want. Now he loves my son to death and wouldn't trade him for the world, but as your husband remarked--my husband is still full of anger and resentment toward me (as if it were only my fault we got pregnant...) and he shows it in front of our children. I love my children with all of my heart and would never want anything different, but they are being damaged by his treatment of me, and I fear that my daughters will choose husbands like that and that my son will treat his wife that way.

All I can say is that I have been to a counselor--Dawn Strobeck--who is amazing, and she has really helped me get through this and be much healthier. She charges her fees on a sliding scale, so it's based on your income (so for us, very cheap!!). Her number is ###-###-####.

I hope you know I really care about you, and I wish you the best. I pray that you will make it through this!!

I am responding late. I haven't read anybody elses response. I see that you have tied this one up and thanked everyone, but please just let me dive in say this to you.

You come across as a very loving spirit filled with kindness. Your husband has been very honest with you on all counts to include before you were married about his feelings about having children. I feel that you are not the only one who needs counseling, but he does too. Could you ask him to come with? If that is out of the question then you may need to remind yourself of basic things.
-Til death do you part.
-for better or worse.
-the vasectomy is done.

-you have a child, he has a child
-A GRANDCHILD IS ON THE WAY! YOU HAVE THE FULL COURT ADVANTAGE OF HAVING THIS LITTLE DARLIN' AROUND AT ANYTIME YOU MAY POSSIBLY NEED. WATCHING THIS CHILD GROW AND FEELING IT IN YOUR ARMS IS THE SWEETEST THING IN LIFE. JOY UNSPEAKABLE. THE LOVE AND THE BOND OF PLANTING SEEDS THERE IS JUST AS, IF NOT MORE REWARDING THAN DOING SO WITH YOUR OWN CHILD. DID YOU THINK THAT MAYBE GOD MAY HAVE PLACED THIS GRANDCHILD THERE FOR YOU, BECAUSE OF THE MARITAL DISAGREEMENT? GOD DID SAY THAT HIS WISDOM IS NOT OURS. ALSO, THIS GRANDCHILD COULD JUST BE THE THING TO CHANGE YOUR HUSBANDS HEART ABOUT DECISIONS HE HAS MADE AND GIVE HIM SOME REDEMPTION ABOUT THE GUILT HE CARRIES DAILY.

You say that you love your husband so much and I do believe you with all my heart. I also believe that love sometimes requires sacrifice. You are hurting so much S., that it hurts me to read and feel the pain you are sending out. I wish that I could take that away for you, but we both know that you are the only one who can do it. I don't think you are being selfish. It's normal for any woman who can still bear children to want them just as much as a woman who can still bear and don't want them. You are fine, but I think that you may be obsessing in a way that will take you and your marriage to a place you can not come back from if you don't focus a little more on the blessings you do have, the ones you will receive and the honest husband that many women giving their opinions to you wish that they could get a smidgen of that honesty from their husbands. You are a big girl, so telling you that I do not ever suggest that a woman or friend divorce the union that God blessed unless it is dangerous and abusive, you do realize that if a baby is required that much by you you would have to divorce your husband to find someone to have a baby with. It may not be worth it. So focus on the good things that you do have going, the new baby for instance, Please be excited, you are in for a real treat with this grandchild, a whole new adventure in love and life you cannot imagine now.
My husband had 2 girls when we met, I had a girl and a boy. we already knew that we did not want more children, 4 was enough and we could share the love, adventure, blessings and cost together. When the grandchildren started to come and we have a new one on the way, we have extra energy for sharing and being with them, buying them cute and fun things, and the luxury of sending them back with the exception of the one we are raising and we love that even more! we are young grands, 47 y/o ea.

You won't lose the love or appreciation of your husband by not having children with him, he will be able to provide you more time and security honey.

S., look at yourself. Don't you see a beautiful girl that is smart, has a beautiful heart and loving son and stepchildren? One who can love unconditionally with wisdoms to share? I know that you do. It's hard for you right now, but take some credit for who you are and what you do. Having children does not define a woman. It defines a mother. I send my best to you and I will pray for you that you can have peace on this issue.

Be careful of that old serpent, the devil, satan. He sees and knows that you have a good marriage. His mission is to confuse you, and destroy you. If you could accept your husbands hand in marriage knowing full well that he did not want children then, don't let satan find an opening to use against you to destroy your marriage now. I really hope you read the last of this if nothing else. In all things, S., we must be wiser than the serpent. I really hope that you will assert your authority over satan and dispel him, tell him to get behind you. You are the author of your own happiness and God said that it Please him to bless us. I'm praying daily with you. You are strong you can get through this, just keep God in the equation just as you are doing.

In christian love,
Jen

well, i haven't read any of the other postings but here's my advice. if you love your husband and you value your relationship with him and his family then forget about having a baby. you BOTH agreed to not have children. if you desire a child this desperately to the point that your getting physically ill, then you might have to rethink your marriage because he obviously doesnt' want one. i have 2 kids with my husband and i had a tubal. we both agreed to not have anymore. neither one of us likes the baby stage and i detest being pregnant. that being said, we both love our children to distraction, and i, at times want another one also. almost like i have a piece missing. then i realize everything else and look at the world around me and thank god i had a tubal bc to brind a child into this world right now, is not a smart move in my opinion. maybe he just doesnt want you to be pregnant. have you discussed fostering or adoption. find out what the underlying issue is with a new baby. just think. he is older and he'll be close to 79 when the baby is 18. that is also a big deterent. coudl you imagine being that age with an 18 yo?

S. this is SOO tough!

First I appreciate your courage to share this because I believe MANY women go through this very same issue. I can only suggest that you seek counseling, the fact remains that you "bought" into the marriage knowing that your husband didn't want any kids, and while you might have changed your mind along the way and discussed it with him, you married him with that understanding in mind. This (I hate to say) will be the deal breaker, unless you can get over this or if he comes to want another child, but that almost seems like the romantic version of this story.

I hope you find your way and wish you all the luck and strength in the world. Everything always works out for the best even if we can't see it right away.

I just wanted to write you. This is definitely a hard one, but I would say you might suggest going to a marrige couseling for just this subject so that you can resolve it. If you want to stay together one of you has to make some compromises. The way I see it is that if you do have a baby right now with him, your marrige will be in big trouble. Why would you want to have a baby with him so bad if he is not interested at all?? The poor baby needs a father who will welcome him and be there. I think you should consider yourself lucky that you havent had a baby with him. You need to ask yourself what you want more him or a baby because unless you go to a counsler and they can get him to compromise with you then you need to choose him or the baby. It is such a bad situation because you did know going into it, from the very beginning that he didnt want anymore kids. Maybe this grandbaby is a blessing and being that they are so young I am sure they will need a babysitter quite a lot. I dont know you or your husband so it is hard to really give advice, but I would really think about this long and hard before you do anything. Because for sure if you dont go to counseling and you somehow get pregnant and have a baby with your husband it is almost guarunteed that he will leave you and you will be left alone to raise the baby, which really isnt fair to you or the baby. I just want to say I am so sorry, but maybe this is just a phase and having a grandbaby that you can love and nuture, but give back to mommy for all the hard work might be enough for you. I just hope it all works out and my wish is that you go to couseling and your husband realizes how important this is to you and decides on his own that he wants to do this with you together. I wish you all the best.

You say your husband offered to go to counseling to get over his negative issues but didn't go. Maybe you should go see a counselor to talk your feelings out. He seems unwilling to change his mind but you are seeking a way to make the situation better. This is why I'm thinking you'd do better in counseling than him. I'm SO sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine the pain you feel and I hope you can find a resolution quickly so that you can be happy again.

My first husband, who was older and already had 4 kids, didn't want anymore kids. He didn't make his feelings clear until after we were married. He even scheduled the vasectomy but then told me to cancel it. He said we will try for a while and "if it is God's will", I'll get pregnant. 7 mons later, I conceived. His daughter is his whole world.
He already had 2 grands, 2 boys.
He'd have to reverse the vasectomy. Sounds like he is clear about not wanting to do that. I'm so sorry.
You are not old to me. I have a 17 mon old son with my 2nd hubby and I am 39. I've had 2 very healthy children. So give it some time. Leave it in God's hands. Try not to complain, that won't help hubby to change his mind. Seems like he does love you but is adamant on this issue.
He says he doesn't like babies. If you do ever conceive, I believe he will fall in love when he holds his child for the first time. I'll say a prayer for you.

Hi, S.. Well, Sweetie, I do hope the other moms here will respond with compassion and not be insensitive to you; I really, really do. Yes, you are in a whole lot of pain. I don't think that anyone on this website can really advise you about how to deal with what's happenning or can tell you what to do about it. This is a major life decision; you can't decide on it lightly.

Even if you got your miracle and somehow became preganant despite your husband's vasectomy, it may destroy your marriage. So what you're praying for, a baby, is at complete odds with the other thing you cherish the most: your marriage.

I would advise BOTH you and your husband to speak to professionals, SEPARATELY at first, and then together in order to heal the hurts you have caused one another.
Yes, he IS hurting because he feels that you promised something that you couldn't come through on, and now his trust is violated. He's being honest with you; a lot of ppl can't take the crying and the diapers. Not every man is cut out to be "father of the year," and he's being honest with you about that. It's not like you can have a baby in the house and he can just pretend the baby isn't there. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to be Daddy X 3.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Not at all. I'm sure that when you decided to marry your husband, you really believed that you could put aside the desire to have another child, but you're finding out it's harder than you thought. You're going to need some help in dealing with this; don't try to tough it out on your own. Don't try to change your husband -- that's usually a fatal mistake, because no human being can control another human being.

Please get some help for yourself in dealing with this tough issue. Also get yourself checked out medically, because some of your distress and huge urge to have a baby might be peri-menopause, where your body starts to make major hormonal changes. Lots of women in peri-menopause unconsciously feel that their child-bearing days are almost over, and the hormonal changes make them desperate to have one more child while there is still time. Get yourself checked out to make sure that most of this torment isn't a hormonal imbalance; then you can deal with the issues underneath the hormones. Hormones really only bring out the stuff that's going on underneath, where we can't always see ourselves, but they bring out these issues in ways that make us less able to deal with our feelings.

In other words, hormonal imbalances make everything ten times more painful, potent, and super real, the most important issues in the universe.

I will pray for you, that these hurts can be resolved to the benefit of you and your husband (and your kids, too).

May God embrace you in His overcoming love!

Peace,
Syl

S., you need to get some counseling so you can cope with this, regardless of the outcome. Please find a therapist to work with as soon as possible.

Hello Salins:
Sorry to hear about you internal battle. I believe your husband was quite honest in telling you he didn't want any more kids even so that he had a vasectomy done while you were dating. You seem to have accepted that and married him knowing he would not give you a child. If you love him so much and want your marriage to last then you need to make peace with your decision and continue praying so God can give you strength. Celebrate the happiness of a Grandson is a blessing for both of them & maybe is the way also of God granting you a gift as well cuz it will be you and your husband helping them. I hope everything works out fine for you. Many blessings. I'l keep you in my prayers.

S.,

First you are not a loser. So you need to stop the self defeating words towards yourself. The fact that your husband cheated on his first wife after the birth of his sons might have more to do with how his ex-wife made him feel when the boys were born. But that's speculation.

Anyway you knew that your husband didn't want anymore children when you met. Your love for him shouldn't be tied to a child. If you wanted another child then this wasn't the man to marry.

I can truly sense your heartache - your prayer needs to be to ask God to help you not to get pregnant - but whatever HIS will is. Also to bring you peace - if you truly want to grow old with your husband - pray for God's peace. Pray that He helps you to be genuinely happy for the first grandchild that is coming.

I will pray for you dear one.

God Bless,

A.

Dear S.,

I highly recommend you get some counseling to help you sort out your emotions. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but sometimes an outside party can help you.

In all fairness your husband made himself clear before taking your vows. If you really want another child, this marriage may not be for you. Your husband has been very honest about not wanting another child, how he would resent another child, and how he would not help you raise another child. If by some miracle you got what you wanted (to get pregnant) it still would not bring you all the joy you want because he would not be a part of it and once the child arrived he would not be a good father for it. Imagine what that would do to a child growing up, seeking its fathers love and approval and never getting it because he/she was not wanted.

Since you can't have both, you need to decide what you want more, another child or your husband and act accordingly. Either way, get some counseling to help you deal with it all.

I think you broke your promise to him and now trying to guilt your way into him having a child with you. You knew from the beginning that he didn't want to have any more children and that there was a part of you that still wanted children, but you married him anyway.

You need to go to counseling to either save your marriage or go separate ways.

Also, I know you are probably saying God played a trick on you out of anger, but that anger needs to be directed to yourself. You knew you married a man that did not want more kids, but you did it anyway. How is this God's fault? Why are your torturing yourself? Why are you making him suffer? You need to either make terms with your marriage or move on and find a spouse that wants kids (has the same goals as you).

"My husband expects me to go through this and wear a smile and act like everything is ok." He is expecting that you live up to your promise, just like he is living up to the marriage vows.

I suggest these books:

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives by Dr. Laura. http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Women-Their-Lives/dp/...

Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships
http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Couples-Their-Relatio...

Please find it in yourself to move forward. God bless with whatever you do.

Wow, this really is a big dilema... Big enough to ruin your marriage. You have to decide for yourself what is more important, your marriage or your desire for a child... Once you have made the decision you have to let the other one go. Your husband is right that it is not fair to bring a child into the world, especially if one parent is so against it from the beginning. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this and I know you are having a really hard time. You just have to prioritize what you want out of "your" life. Otherwise, you will be miserable no matter what. Having a baby with a man that is so against it will probably end up having the both of you resent each other so much you marriage may end anway. Good luck. Just make your decison, one or the other... and have no regerets.

My heart goes out to you ... we are the same age and I can totally understand the tick-tock feeling of the clock winding down and the desire to have another child.

That being said, I can also understand your husband's desire NOT to have a child. Remember, he is 13 years older than you. SO, even if you conceived now, he would be 66 when that child graduates from high school. he may be concerned about being able to care for and provide for another child as he gets older as well.

I think you both need to go to counseling. If he won't go, then you should still go because it seems like you want him to now fulfill the "family" image you didn't have with your first child. I can understand that, but it is not fair to impose this upon him either ... As another poster said, he may become extremely resentful and will not treat you the same. This will cause a lot of tension in your home and is likely not the environment you wanted to raise another child (or your son!) in.

Think long and hard about this ... if he is so resentful and against this, do you REALLY want him to be the father of a child he doesn't want??

I will be praying for you and your family and I hope the Lord shows you the answer for this situation.

Blessings,

C.

If you went into this relationship knowing he didn't want children and agreed that you wouldn't then I can understand your husband's resentment. That being said you are definetly young enough to have more children and the fact that you guys are so far apart on this subject may require counseling or just someone to help you guys through this. My heart goes out to you during these trying times. I pray that you guys are able to come to some sort of an agreement. Oh and maybe your grandchild is a gift from God not only to his parents but to you guys as well. You will probably be an amazing and doting grandma and can help the young parents shower love on the new angel.

S.,

You seem to have answered all your own questions. Secondly, don't use a child as a way to "unite" your marriage. I think you are afraid he might leave you and so having this child is going to make you "one". Don't do this to a child and have a divorce and put the child thru that. As hard as this might sound, you both made an agreement and you went into this marriage knowing what the deal was, so yes, you should stick with your end of the deal. The deep desires you now have places your husband in a difficult position. I could understand if you both had NO children, then he could possibly change his mind, but he has been there done that with the kids and so have you, so wanting a new baby under those circumstances is indeed selfish. Please try to not think about a new baby so much and enjoy your first grandchild. Why the urge to have a kid with him so much, is it that you are afraid he is going to leave you and a child will automatically "bond" you together. Please don't put a child thru that torture and a divorce situation. It would not be fair. There seem to be an underlying trust issue going on, and a bit of insecurity and I think if you love your husband sooo much, you really should trust him, respect him and honor your end of the commitment. Pray that God help you with that craving for a child. We make decisions sometimes that we unfortunately just have to live with. Take the time to foster and nurture your marriage so that he doesn't have to leave you and you don't have to push him to the deep end with your craving. All the best...

S.,

I am glad that you are a Christian because you NEED God's strength to get through this. Instead of praying for a child, I would suggest that you ask God to direct you to do what is His will, not yours. Your husband has every right to stand his ground with the child issue since it was accepted before marriage that he did not want any children. I know couples who had one child together and one spouse wanted one more but the other did not. I have also seen the resentment that this causes between the spouses and it's unfair to you to deny the very thing you want so badly and it's unfair to impose this on your husband, who has made it crystal clear that he is done with having/raising children. I'm a born again Christian myself and one of the hardest things we need to do is to give our troubles up to God. We have to do this because we have no power on our own to make a difference. I know that God frowns upon divorce and it may not be what you want but this situation may help you draw closer to God so you have to give it up to God. Let Him lead you. Let Him speak to your heart and ask Him to direct you to do what is right and His will. It's also really important that you and your husband have good communication at this time. Explain to your husband that you thought you were done with having children but the desire to have another one is very strong and what should the two of you do about it? It would be a horrible mess if you had a child and your husband resented you for it. What a terrible situation to raise a child in. Pray like you've never prayed before and listen for God's voice.

Oh S. I doubt anyone will suggest you put your foot down and demand he comply...he was clear from the get go. it's not like you don't have children. you do have your own son and then some. I know you're young but why don't you spend all the energy you seem to have into something else? go to school, get a job, make friends, find a hobby. i know i sound harsh but really with your crying and mopping around the only thing that will happen is for him to walk away from the marriage. he won't deal with this sounds like. so i suggest have a heart to heart talk with yourself. if you're dead set you want a child then file for a divorce but don't try pressuring him into this. someone said he's prepping for retirement. i can understand that. he's older. he's done it all. he has two sons and a grandchild on his way. it would be a shame if you ruined the good thing you got going on because you're trying to get him to have another child.
good luck

Dear S.,
Please go for counseling immediately!!!! You need help that goes deeper than getting advice through Mamasource. You need to learn to be honest with yourself about your wants and needs and your fantasies. Learn to look at the reality and your true feelings about what is happening. It seems your husband has been honest with you from the beginning and you thought he would change his mind in your fantasies. If he had a vasectomy back when you were just dating, that should have sent a strong message to you. It doesn't sound like you are dealing with him not wanting to have a child. It sounds like you are looking for a way to get him to change his mind. PLEASE GET SOME COUNSELING FOR YOUR OWN SAKE!

It appears this was discussed prior to marriage so you went in to this union with your eyes wide open. Just because you have now changed your mind does not mean that he should as well. You are not a bad person for wanting to now have a child but he is not a bad person either for being honest with his feelings. How many poor children are there in this world created without the want of both parents that do end up hurt in the end. I think you may need to go to some counseling to try to overcome this and revel in the joy of having an infant in your life by way of a new Grandbaby. Your other option is to leave your marriage and seek love with another who has the same goal as you. You may not want your marriage to end but it is better that it end without a child than for an innocent child to brought in the middle of chaos and with a Father who does not want them. What a horrible burden to place on a child. You need to do some serious soul searching and get some professional help in counseling.

Dear S....let this baby come and maybe his opinion will change. Give it a "vacation" from your mind and heart. Dont insist with him cause that will make you lose him. I do believe that when he sees/goes through the birth of this grandchild maybe that will change something inside of him. Other than that, If you cant do that...just ask yourself whats more important...him or a new baby? Prioritize your life and be honest with yourself. I feel for you...the best of lucks.
T.

I understand your deep desire to have a child...I went thru years of it, myself, watching friends become pregnant, while I could not. However, you entered your marriage knowing your husband did not want more children. Trying to change him will ruin your marriage. Yet, it's obvious that your desire for a child is so strong that if you don't have a child, it could also ruin your marriage. I strongly suggest going for counseling, whether you go on your own, or it's couple's therapy. But leaving things they way they are is going to destroy your relationship eventually. GL!

ditto everything Victoria said

Please get counseling. You said there are no other problems in your marriage other than this one, so why create one???

First, you do not need to feel guilty for wanting a baby!The desire to marry and bear children w/ the man we love is a natural God-given desire! I wish all men could see how ingrained it is in our souls!
Having said that....Your husbands is head of your home. I think he has an awful, callous perspective of this topic, but it is typical. My suggestion (even w/ out knowing where you are on your spiritual journey) is to pray he will change his mind and give your desires and dreams to God. My husband had a vasectomy 6 years ago. I have prayed every since then that he would change his mind and get a reversal. I have gone through all of the emotions each month that you mentioned (minus the grandchild thing). I KNOW how painful it is! BUT, after years of prayer , AND keeping my mouth shut (aside from occasional comments) he is getting a reversal! There is power in prayer both to change his mind and to comfort your heart!
I just don't want to see this ruin your young marriage! Put your husband first ,my dear. Respect and love him above all else and just see how his heart softens towards you!! I should know...16 years marriage experience :>) God bless and may He grant you the desires of your heart in HIS good time!

If you have a child, you will be heading directly for divorce. You husband will resent you for going back on your word and forcing him into a situation he doesnt want to be in, and you will resent him when the baby is up for the fifth night and he is completely unwilling to help you because you said you would do it all yourself. You are also doing the child a great injustice, because he will not have a bonded, loving relationship with this child. I don't know if selfish if the right word, as you are just a woman yearning to do what God meant for you to do, and that is a beautiful thing. But, being practical, this situation is NOT good for having a child and I would suggest you either give up the hope, or leave your husband and find someone else who does want another child. Either way you go with this, I'm so sorry for your obvious conflict and sorrow. I wanted a third very badly and decided against it because of financial problems. But the bottom line is, no matter how many good reasons there are for not doing it, it never takes away the desire. Focus on the child you have and be happy you were able to bring one beautiful life into the world!! Good luck. Try not to be too sad.

Dear S.,
Please know that you have a valid reason for wanting a child. As you have said, it is God's greatest job. However, if you insist as you are with the knowledge that you have, I'm sure that you already know that this is driving a wedge between you and your husband...Since you are already involved with children and this has not helped, please speak to your spiritual adviser at your church or go to counseling. It is a good chance that you have deeper emotions that surface as your need for a child. Counseling can help you to tap into/cope with these emotions.

S.... are you familiar with the work of authors Dr. Brian Weiss, or Dr. Roger Woolger and Dr. Michael Newton? They are experts in regression therapy and helping people understand patterns and circumstances in their lives based upon the perspective of the soul and patterns connected to past lives. Their therapeutic approach is one I incorporate, and your story sounds like one that might need to be addressed in this psychospiritual way to be resolved. I encourage you to read their books... and you can contact me if you want to discuss this further. I applaud your courage in opening up and sharing about your frustration, that's a good step toward facing and finding a way to address the issue.

I am so sorry,S.. I think with patience and strength you might be able to get somewhere. I think that the new baby is the answer to your prayers. Maybe the only way that God would make him see how wonderful a baby is, is by sending one thru his son. God has not failed you. I'm sure if you look at it it from your husbands standpoint you would be feeling the same. Imagine, he went and got a vasectomy. And you and him agreed to this. If he's a stable and assertive person it will be hard for him to just switch back especially after the operation.
Try to turn this around and see it in a different angle. I think you will feel better. You are not selfish, you changed your mind about having a child and now... You have to work through the consequences of the decision both of you made. I think once he sees his grandson he might change his mind. (If that's Gods plan). Wait and pray,try not to put it aside for the time being. you are still young and can work on resolving this a few more years. Remember that all that is suppose to happen will, in due time. It just takes a lot of patience. Good Luck S..
I.

I understand that you want to have a child with your husband but a promise is a promise. You accepted the stipulation and he believed you in good faith. Unless you are ready to risk loosing him, you will have to come to terms with your desperate desire. Have you thought about going to counseling? Sometimes it helps to get an unbiased opinion. There may be something else going on inside you that you are not aware of or perhaps you could do some volunteer work that involves babies to somehow fill the void you are feeling.