Unhappy Husband, Unhappy Wife, Unhappy Life...

When my hubby gets like that I tell him to do it himself then let it sit until he does. I invite friends and family over just like the house was nice and ready for company. IF they mention stuff I say that hubby is going to do that when he gets to it. So it's all on him. Then he almost always gets off his high horse and does it.

I suggest next time hubby says he doesn't have a shirt for work that he should be able to read the directions on the inside of the washer lid and do the job himself. Mine did it and while he was at it he showed off that he could manage the laundry and do a better job than me by washing and drying every piece of laundry he could find. That was fine by me because I didn't really want to wash all the bedspreads and comforters before storing them for summer.....

Sounds like he's unhappy with something else. Is he unhappy with his job? Does he have a hobby that he finds fulfilling? Do you guys ever get to do stuff together as a couple? I know life gets busy and it's hard to find time to spend together doing something relaxing.

My husband and I also met when we were 14, started dating when we were 16, but didn't get married till we were 33!! We now have 2 kids, a 6 year old boy and a 3 year old girl, and we both work. Life is very busy, but we are both very happy. He's an avid mountain biker so it's my personal mission to ensure he gets a ride or two in every week which keeps him happy and fulfilled. I just started a new business, on the side of being a teacher, selling natural & organically based pampering products which I love. He's very supportive of it too. I think if you're not happy in one aspect of your life, it's easy to take it out on the other part of your life.
I hope it all works out! Happy Mother's Day!
:)

First of all, he should not be complaining about adult children to you.. He should be complaining to them directly. They actually sound just like their father.. He set an example for them.. He should be so proud..

Hire a handy man when husband is not around. If he moans and groans.. so what? If he does not speak with you.. that is his loss.

I give my husband dead lines. this means IF he does it. it is always last minute.. Otherwise, my choice.. Hire someone or just wait on my husband like I have for 30 years.

My husband has severe ADHD. We have had the same trash day as his parents had when he was growing up.. He did not remember then and he still doesn't now.. Forget about recycle day.. every other week!!!!! It takes 3 post it notes each Friday.. One on the bathroom mirror, one on the inside of the front door and one attached to his key chain,, and there are still so MANY times.. he still forgets!!!!

We cannot change them.. We can just change our expectations..

I also remind my husband, he is so busy at work,, and works so hard.. It os no wonder he cannot remember everything that has to be done. So that is why I assist him with reminders.. or hire people so he can have time off while home.

Maybe he's just really burned out? You guys are nearing the end of the finish line in your parenting journey but there's still work to be done. Perhaps the 22 year old still at home doesn't give him hope that the end is anywhere close.

I'm not saying to kick the older kids out, but maybe you guys need to focus on having fun together (just the 2 of you) a bit more.

It's tough when you've been a parent most of your adult life (and all of your adult life for you both). I'm in the same boat, though I started at 24.

I recently did a half-marathon, and it got really tough about mile 8 or 9, and stayed that way through the finish. I sometimes joke with my husband that we are at Mile 9 in parenting. So close, but so tired. That's how it feels when you put your heart and soul into your family. If you're doing it right it should feel that way. But crossing that finish line is glorious.

You *have* crossed the finish line with two of your kids, so make sure you celebrate the fruits of your labor and don't keep extending the race.

I think couples counseling would be great for you guys too. Again, try to find ways to have fun TOGETHER.

Good luck.

I learned really quickly how to put up shelves. And paint, and fix stuff. Because my husband simply does not do that kind of thing. So I do it - less nagging and stress for him, and I get my things done. It sounds like your husband is a nice enough guy, but he is nitpicking. So remove the stuff he can nitpick over. I buy paper bowls and plates, then you always have a clean one. I paint while my husband is at work. Sometimes I ask him beforehand, mostly I don't. He gets mad, but he gets over it. It's hard to have older kids at home for a man, they don't quite know how to act around them somehow. It sounds like things will settle down for you pretty soon!

Is your counselor really working for you? I'm glad you're going but I wonder if your counseling is working if things are this stuck. Doesn't the counselor help you with scripts to assist you in dealing with him and communicating with him? It sounds like you and he talk past each other all the time.

You and he both truly need couples counseling, and you should talk to your counselor about how to approach this with your husband. I know -you say he won't do it -- but how have you asked?

Getting couples counseling seems vital here because you and he have been married-with-kids practically since you were kids yourself. You two have never known other relationships, or what it's like to be single and live on your own, etc. You have been married and dealt with children your entire adult lives. That is a recipe for a real mid-life crisis in one or both of you, as you stare at middle age, see your adult kids are still at home (time for both to move out ASAP, frankly) and wonder where years went. It's all normal to feel that way, but it sounds like both you and your husband are feeling claustrophobic and tired of each other -- that is truly how it sounds.

He may be feeling that it's all too cramped, with adult kids still in the house (did he expect that by now they'd be on their own?), another kid with college years in sight (did he think that maybe he'd be done with paying for college but now he's wearily thinking, oh no, four more years?), and a house that never feels quite "finished" (does he perhaps feel guilty that nothing's been done by him and so he's kind of given up on doing any more?) These questions are not here to give him excuses, but to help you perhaps see that he may be feeling trapped and that is coming out in anger and criticism. And your own frustrations are coming out in blame towards him.

Can you see why couples counseling for BOTH of you could help? Sometimes men just will not listen to their wives but will listen if a third party tells them, "This is what I see." And if your husband is one of those "I'm not putting my business in front of some stranger" types, please see if you can get a trusted male friend of his, or relative, to sit him down and say, "I can see that you're in trouble." Surely some friend of his has noticed he is down, negative and carps at his kids?

Oh, and be sure to defuse any carping: Any of your kids is old enough to put up that darned shelf in half an hour! Have them do it right now. Have them paint a room. That defuses dad's carping (if he complains just smile and say, they're trying to pull their weight a bit more). It could also help if older son and daughter come up with specific, written plans for their own personal budgets, when they will move, where they will look for jobs/housing, etc. -- that may make Dad see that they are not going to be home forever, if that is possibly part of his frustration with them.

I was going to suggest hiring a housekeeper once a week or every other week. I was going to suggest hiring a painter and handyman for the household fix-it jobs. But that's not going to fix the real problem in your family.

He's complaining. You're complaining. You, he, and the children are miserable. But you're not communicating with each other at all. Complaining isn't communication, right? I see that you wrote that "he won't go for counseling himself or take any medications."

Why do you assume he needs medication? Marriage counseling would be appropriate for both of you. Not because he's terrible to you and the children but because the two of you don't communicate well at all. HE won't do this. HE won't do that. When YOU do this, HE does this mean thing. HE wants the kids to do chores, therefore HE is finding fault with them. You don't believe that you're contributing to HIS issues at all? Or that the children are? You don't believe that your husband's issues are valid?

Don't YOU want the kids to pull their weight? Clean clothes and dishes... those are FAMILY issues, not husband issues. Who is responsible for those chores?

Let's be honest here: your husband has very valid issues regarding the children. They live in your home and whether they're attending school or not they ought to be pulling their own weight in chores. That's not "finding fault" it's wanting your kids to pull their weight and not slack off. It's a realistic expectation for them to contribute to the family household, whether they're paying you rent or not, whether they're paying for their own college or not.

You should not have to be protecting your adult children from their father. They don't need it. And if you feel that they do, then why would you be with a man like that?

As for him complaining when you do "his" chores... how about this? Ignore the complaining. If he ignores you for an hour while he sulks, so what? The sulking probably has more to do with himself than with you. If you're capable then just do it. No games. You may have met and dated and had babies in and just out of high school, but you're not teenagers any longer.

Seeing your own counselor is a good step. I would ask her what you asked us. What can you do if he won't seek counseling on his own? Sometimes what happens is that one person is the target patient and by changing his or her behavior, the situation changes. Sometimes boundaries make people change their tune. Sometimes boundaries result in a divorce or separation. The other thing I would look for are signs of depression.

My sks are about your older kids' ages and my DH went through a time of working through what it all meant for him with them out of the house, as well as incredible job stress. I...did not like him when he was under a bad boss. If that had not changed (and he with it) we would no longer be together.

And I will say that I have complained to my husband. Not because I hated them but I was tired of what they were or weren't doing. For example, my SS had a nosebleed and I found a large place on the table that he never cleaned up...because that's where DD sits to eat her breakfast. DH was incredulous but I asked him if he was accusing me of lying. There was a mess on the table and a bloody fingerprint on the paper towels and SS was the only other person home (and prone to nosebleeds). I don't expect perfection, but some disinfecting would be nice! And I don't feel like I should have to tell a 23 yr old to take out the trash when it stinks. Or unload the entire dishwasher, not just one plate. Etc. So is there any validity to what your DH is complaining about and do you need a family meeting with them? Living with adult children is different than living with teenagers, or it should be. They can pick up, pay rent, help you with the paint...

The problem is not paint or shelves or dishes. That is surface stuff. There is more going on that you need to get to or nothing will ever change.

J.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

What do you two do together as a couple? ANYTHING?

Is the counselor you are going to helping you learn how to communicate with your husband effectively? I realize your husband isn't there and I'm sad about that.

Other than counseling - what are you doing to improve the situation?

In regards to your husband? Is it possible feels he has lost control of his life? He's not happy with his job? He might be angry. He might be feeling that his life is not his to control and that it's not how he envisioned it to be.

Marriage is NOT easy. It's a give and take, compromise and so much more...and every marriage that I know of - gets in a rut. It's HARD to get out of as well. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it's easy. It's not.

It sounds like you two have stopped communicating and living separate lives. Hence the question - what do you do TOGETHER?

How do you communicate with your husband? Do you talk TO him or do you talk WITH him?

When he complains to you about the adult kids still living at home and not doing things he expects them to do - does he TELL THEM as well or JUST YOU? HE NEEDS to communicate with them as well.

As for the adult "Children" in your home? They need to tow the line. They need to be responsible for things as well. Make it clear cut with them. Hopefully, they are paying rent as well.

Everyone in the household should have a "chore" seriously. My husband is responsible for the repair of the home. I am responsible for the cleaning of the home.

Our children? Every night we have dinner together. They are responsible for getting drinks ready and setting the table. They are responsible for cleaning up after themselves as well. Yours are old enough to put their dishes in the dishwasher - mine are 10 and 13 and know how to do it.

They are also responsible for gathering all the trash in the house and getting it ready for their dad to take out (this is the 10 year old's chore) and the other is responsible for gathering the dirty laundry and putting it in the laundry room. EVERYONE in my home knows how to run/operate the washing machine and dishwasher. I do laundry on Monday and Thursday - if you need something before that? You can do a load yourself.

Sounds like a family meeting is in order to make sure everyone knows their roles and what is expected of them so the house runs smoothly. Communicate with everyone....if you are upset - use "I am not happy with ....." or "this is not working for me. I need...." state your expectations clearly.

Life isn't always peachy. Sorry. It's not. Your marriage - it's in a tough spot. It's not divorce worthy - in my opinion - but it needs work. You can view it like a garden and make sure you tend to it daily to keep the weeds out...however...BOTH people need to participate....COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!

Good luck!

I've have a lot of different struggles in life, some because I was a huge co-dependent.... <<<< that alone caused me more problems than anything else.. What's helped me the most is getting into a 12 step program. While I don't go to CODA (co-dependents) I do go to OA and AL-Anon.. WOW!!!! the two are the best choices I have made in my life.. Having done LOTS of traditional therapy and never once having a counselor suggest a 12 step (for which I am shocked) I only wish I had gone sooner.. I've been going since last October and I can't tell you enough how much more insight I have into my life.. I no longer look to others to change, instead.. I am making the changes I want to see in my life.. As I work the programs more intensely , the more I get out of them..

I suggest giving a coda meeting a try.. why not see how you like it.. You ll find lots of people there who can certainly relate to your struggles.. you ll also learn tools and even might gain better clarity into your situation..

The steps have given me a calm and peace of mind that no amount of traditional therapy ever did.. While I think TT has it's place...My personal experience with the 12 step has been so much more rewarding than I ever could have dreamed..

Whatever you decide to do. I wish you all the best

Maybe if the kids helped out around the house, he would not have anything to complain about.

Congratulations on your son finishing college. When my kids finished college it was a wonderful milestone. And when your daughter becomes and EMT she will be able to make a good living. Also wonderful because she will be out and on her own.

Sometimes it great t have your kids around, but mostly it better if they are off on their own. I did what I could to help my kids, but I insisted they help themselves and help around the house. My wife and I established a rotating jobs list when my kids were five. They continued to work around the home until they moved out. Having to do jobs around the home was what helped them to know what it took to run a home. It also became the catalyst for them to decide to move out. Then when they did move out and didn't have dad to motivate them to work doing stuff around the house, they found they had to do all that and more (like pay the bills) and then what their mom and I asked them to do wasn't so horrible after all.

I would recommend having a family council. That's a meeting where everyone sits around and discusses a problem and finds a solution. When my family did ours, we sat around the kitchen table and everyone had a pencil and piece of notebook paper in front of them. (No I-phones or toys to distract them from the meeting.) We would then bring up good points and bad points ad problems. This is where my wife and I introduced the revised jobs lists or jobs that needed to be done. This is where we discussed where we wanted to go on vacation or other family positives or negatives.

You have a list of jobs that you want done. This (family council) is where to bring them up and ask who wants to volunteer to do them. In your home, you need to tell everyone they need to volunteer or you will volunteer them. When they say they haven't time, you can tell them they need to make some time. Then give deadlines. One son said he didn't have time and so I made a time line of how he said his day went. I found the time, even though he didn't want me to.

Your daughter has indicated that she will move out when she has the money. I took $25 from each of my kids that weren't saving on their own ad set it aside for "moving out day". In some cases it became a wedding present. But that way they each had something.

Like others have said, you two got married and started a family while in high school and so have been married all your adult life. Its time to get away and spend time with each other. Go out on a date with each other. Try and do this once each week. If your budget is like most of ours its stretched t the limit. I watch for the weekly ads that come out in the mail. Where we live, its each Tuesday and Wednesday. This week it was Burger King that offered buy one get one free on burgers and other sandwiches. When my wife and are really strapped for cash, we go where the best coupons are. The last time we went to Burger King, we both got a whopper and fries for less than $4. My wife and brought along chilled water from home a had "dinner out" for $4 for two.

The shelf need to be reinstalled. Craig's list has people that will do chores around your home for $10 per hour or less. Tell your kids the can paint or pay for you to hire a painter. Tell them that Saturday is paint the den day and they are expected to be there. Then be ready to paint the den (or whatever room.)

Develop the Attitude of Gratitude. Thank your husband for the things he does...Like earning a living or any number of things. When my wife and I started doing this, I felt silly and insincere when I thanked her for doing the dishes. But it made her feel good. I felt equally silly when she thanked me for taking out the trash. BUT, the second or third time I did it and put the trash out to the curb she welcomed me back into our home with a smile, a thank you, a hug, a hug and a felt me up, it turned a big light on. Now I see that helping out doing the other unpleasant tasks can lead to wonderful benefits. ;-))

Good luck to you and yours and the changes you will be able to make in your home. (Happy Mother's Day too.)

Start by explaining to him everything you just told us, and then call him out on his behavior right away every time he does it. If he puts the kids down, then let him know he was doing it again (not in front of the kids thought) ect. And tell him "I want to paint/fix the shelf, and plan to do it this weekend, I would love help". That way he knows you are doing it in advance and has the option to help. Best of luck

I don't know what your counselor recommends, but I would start with making your kids, who are plenty old enough, be responsible for absolutes. I don't know how much they do in your house to contribute, but I have a feeling from reading what you wrote that they don't do enough.

Each week, rotate a jobs list. Make each kid do the same jobs so that they know how to do them all. There is NO forgetting - if it's their week to do the job, they DO it. The two older ones are grownups now - they have no business living "off" of mom and dad. They need to be held very accountable.

As for the rest of your husband's bellyaching, I would ignore him. If you pick up a book everytime he starts, or start humming to yourself, or leave the room, he's just complaining to dead space. That's what he needs. However, he'll have less to complain about in the first place if your kids are doing their jobs.

Your husband is not the only family member to say 'where are my clean shirts', by the way. The kids should be doing the laundry and that should include Dad's shirts. It's part of the "payment" that they owe for still getting to live with you at 20 and 22.

I'm not saying that your husband has a right to do all of this complaining. But with 2 grown kids still residing in his house, there shouldn't be dirty dishes and dirty clothes. There just shouldn't be. Hold your kids accountable, J.. THEN you can start holding your husband accountable for the things he won't do.

If I were you, I would HIRE someone to come in and do the house jobs that you and the kids don't know how to do. SO WHAT if he doesn't like it? If he won't commit to painting a room, go ahead and do it yourself or hire it out!! Ignore his fighting about it. The sooner he understands that you will take the bull by the horns and have something done WITHOUT him, the sooner he'll either do it himself or get over the fact that you'll have someone else do it.

This is your house too, and you have the right to maintain it whether it's with his help or not. That's pretty much what most wives do, J.. Not all men can paint or repair. Lots of men don't want to pay for it to be done, but that's just tough. If you have enough money in the budget, you should do it.

These concrete suggestions won't fix your husband's attitude, but you need VERY MUCH to do these things anyway. Grown children shouldn't be living under your roof without doing housework, especially what your husband finds important. Lay down the rules and make them stick.

Good luck.

Sounds like you need a household routine. Can you sit down with him and plan the week, so you know what has to happen when? His responsibilities, your responsibilities and the kids'? Of course you'd have give and take if anyone is busy or sick, but at least an outline to keep things moving?

I'm finding that I'm doing everything at the last minute these days, and I hate it. Maybe he feels like he needs to get ahead of things and have his world all set to go for the next day. Of course it would be lovely if he just did the laundry and dishes himself, but at least a routine would help to know what is important to everyone and who will help with what.