Should I See Someone?

KR,

If you're happy for the most part you can find other ways of dealing with the very little things. You have a 13yr old, have him/her wash the dishes and do a load of laundry. Some people have far more problems in there relationship then this. Be blessed that these things can be changed. If the dishes and clothes get washed, will that change the way you feel? Or is it more to the story then you are stating?

It really does sound like you are a normal mother of a child under 2 who is married. Who wants to be touched when they have been sucked on, drooled on, and constantly holding another human being. Husbands are always going through this. Also every study that has ever been done shows that women do all the housework and men complain that they are put upon to do more than their share. Sounds like you are married. My advice? Hire a house cleaner. $100.00 week can save your sanity. Then contact a religious leader for counseling.

OK - The second option most people don't agree with. The best thing that happened to me is that we split up when my son was 2 1/2. Every other weekend I got off for myself. It was ecstasy! (And my income doubled as I didn't pay for big boy toys.) But if you want to keep the marriage - hire a cleaner and get a life coach or a counselor or religious counselor. Good luck!

A couples therapist would probably be real quick to point out to him that he needs to help you!

I think you sound like a normal over-worked mom. Taking care of the home and children is a full time job. You are adding to this job another full time job. It's too much! Unfortunately economics forces us to do more than we should. Many women prefer to hold part-time jobs. Is this an option for you? If not, try this: Do something loving toward your husband and choose a good time to sit and talk. Explain to him that you want to be a more loving wife but you are feeling overtaxed. Tell him you would feel so relieved and loved if he could do one load of laundry a week and help with dishes now and then. If he complies be sure to tell him repeatedly how much you appreciate his help and strength to get things done. Give him some good sex even if you don't feel like it. This will help your marriage which is the top priority. Nagging him won't help at all. AF

I see that you have a 7 month old so I personally would go to the doc and let them check you for post-partum depression. It really just sounds like to me you are very over-worked and need help but I would def rule out something more serious first.

Best Wishes!

Hi, I have a few suggestions and they don't include seeing a professional. You don't sounds depressed to me, you just sound like an overworked mom and there's nothing wrong with that. I'd recommend picking up a copy of Dr. Laura's book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and her book Woman Power. These books are fantastic. She doesn't talk about "manipulating" men per se, but she does talk about what men need from their marriage and how to treat them in such a way that helping out is a pleasure for them instead of a chore they do only when nagged. Honestly, from what I know of men and from what I've learned from Dr. Laura, maybe it's the lack of intimacy that makes him feel like not helping out. When we are not physically intimate with our men, they begin to feel devalued and feel like they aren't important to us. I guarantee that giving your husband what he needs and in turn asking him gently (once he's satisfied) for help (especially if you have an honest discussion with him and let him know that him helping out with a few things will leave you with more energy for him at the end of the day) will work wonders. I'm sure that if you do this, he'll walk across hot coals to help you. Dr. Laura always says, men are simple creatures and there is nothing wrong with using feminine wiles on them. Only the last two generations of women have become confused about this because of the feminist movement. My husband KNOWS I use my wiles on him, and he LOVES it. Most men do. Even if you don't feel like being intimate, you still need to do it. Your husband NEEDS it to feel loved, and you need it. I guarantee it'll make things better.

Seriously, pick up those books. Hope this helps and good luck!

I know exactly how you are feeling with the husband issues. I was completely overwhelmed after I had my second daughter, and it was like pulling teeth to get hubby to help with things. He would gladly agree...but for him to actually get around to it...almost never. It sounds like your husband is being a bit selfish here. You both have a new child in the house, and that is a big responsibility, that takes time and energy from ALL! That does make it so it is hard for ALL parties to complete all of their normal daily activities. Plain and simple, your husband needs to chip in. I think if you were going to seek outside help, your husband needs to be included in it as well, as all of these responsibilities are not going to go away, you will still have to deal with them...and your hubby will most likely still have the same attitude. I would say that maybe sitting down to have a real talk with your husband about how you are feeling is the best route to start out with. Let him know that you desire to be intimate with him, but your body is just overwhelmed right now, and is barely getting by on necessities. Which is true, you just had a baby 13 months ago, it tires a mom out...not to mention hormones go crazy trying to get back to normal. Let him know EXACTLY what you need him to do daily (be precise, I have found that works best), and make clear that you are asking for help, not trying to get out of chores...and he should respect you enough to believe that. Once things ease up for you, and he helps out more...you will most likely find your place again to be closer with him.
However, if you do feel like postpardum depression has something to do with it...don't hesitate to be seen. Go ahead and make an appointment...but BRING YOUR HUBBY, so he can be there while you tell the doc how you are feeling, and he can hear the docs response to how it is normal, and maybe might advice hubby how to help. I hope you feel better soon!
K.
An after thought...don't forget your 13 year old. There is no reason why he can't be given a simple chore from you that will help you out (such as loading up the dishwasher everynight, or folding a load of clothes every night). Will teach him good values, and of course, will help take a load off you! I know it sounds silly, but seeing your son chip in, might give your hubby a better attitude about it as well..seeing that the extra "burden" is being distributed through the family, and not "just on him" (even though we all know it isn't).

I agree with the previous poster. Go see a doctor. Also, I think you already know that help is necessary because you are asking. You obviously had feelings for you DH before and given that your child is so young....I would think post-partum.

I understand you are aking your DH to help out. I assume if you aren't getting home until 7:30 then he is making sure the children are fed, your eldest is doing homework, and your youngest is getting ready for bed? He's also working 8 hours on top of the parenting gig. I can attest that laundry and dishes don't seem difficult but with a baby, sometimes those chores seems impossible some/most days and I am a SAHM who has all her time at home.

Remember your children won't remember how many dishes were left in the sink or how much laundry is piled up. They will remember the relationship between you and your DH whether it is good or bad. I should hope you would rather them remember the good. Rather than focusing on the stuff undone, notice that he is there for you and your children.

I would try to go on a date night or have date night in after the little one goes down. It's always important to reconnect with yourself and your significant other.

I hope this helps. Good luck!!!!!

KR:

Hello! You sound like I did 5 years ago.

I was overwhelmed, had just lost a baby at 20 weeks gestation and had went back to work.

Part is post-pardum depression (you might not "feel" depressed) and just being overwhelmed.

Here's what my husband and I did.

1. We hired a cleaning service to come in and clean the house.
2. We set a "date night" for the two of us - rain, shine, sleet or snow - we MADE time for each other. When times were tough financially, we waited until the kids went to bed (even put them to bed early) and set a blanket up in our living room, started a fire, put on a mellow radio station and talked - about anything and everything but set rules for NOT blaming each other for not doing something - it wasn't about fighting or pointing fingers - it was time for us to be us - we talked about work, kids and plans.
3. He, being a wonderful husband, set up a "Boys night in" - which means that mommy can join IF she wants to, but other than that - it's the night that mommy takes off - doesn't cook dinner, doesn't have to be at home and has time for herself.
4. We also made a "daddy's night" and he plays cards with friends.

Go to your doctor and have your hormone levels tested. Lack of intimacy or sex drive can be hormonal as well as physical (being overwhelmed and depressed can do it).

Let your husband know how you feel and what you need. Let him know and understand that if he picks up some of the slack, there may be more romance in the bedroom because you have the energy to do it. It's not fun feeling like you are the only one doing the housework and working and taking care of the kids.

Find out what your husband is expecting - know how he was raised (my husband was raised in a SAHM environment and WANTED the same for our kids) as this can cloud or even set their expectations in marriage. If you don't know what he is expecting and "dreaming" of - then how can you know why he seems to have a problem getting stuff done. A 7 Month old can be a handful as we all know. Some men do NOT know how to multi-task and be able to get stuff done and take care of a child. I know, I know, seems funky - but it's true. This is where "cavemen" mentality comes out - really.

It's not about fighting what needs to be done. It's about understanding where the other one is coming from. After I understood that my husband was VERY hurt that I went back to work (after being a SAHM for 2 years) he felt that I didn't trust him to take care of us and the family or that I just didn't feel that he was properly providing for the family - he was raised where his dad worked full time and long days and mom did it all with the kids (den mother, girl scout leader, room parent, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.) and his dad really didn't have to do much other than take care of the outside of the house or "fix" things.

I too was raised in a SAHM enviroment. My dad was a Navy sailor and gone a lot. My mom did it all - fixed stuff, all of it. She didn't work until I was in middle school and even then she was driving the school bus.

Our perceptions of marriage and home were same in many ways but not when it came to my working. It wasn't about him not being able to provide, it was my need for adult conversations and feeling of self-worth (yes, kids are wonderful and a true blessing) but even mom's sometimes need something more.

Any way - I know this is long and drawn out - however, I hope you see that sometimes it's not about a man/husband being lazy - it's about perceptions and expectations. Even as simple as not knowing how to multi-task!

Keep us informed!

Take care - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

God Bless!

I think your okay and normal. Your just overtired. You are not alone. Many working moms with young kids are feeling the same way you do. My suggestion is to pick the battles. Do the dishes really need to be done as soon as the meal is over? What will happen if they are left for the night in the sink? Does the laundry need to be done every night? Or can it wait until the weekend when both of you are working, and you can do it together?

Hi K R,

It sounds like you may be over loaded, and maybe you need to take some time each week for yourself, perhaps an hour just to unwind. I would recommend that you and your husband find someone you can talk to, it does not have to be expensive (if that is a problem, there are many places to start, my husband and I went to our local church and found great help.) Marriage is a partnership and you both need to work together, He needs to understand you and you need to understand him. However before you can do that you need to be able to know yourself. That is something a lot of us fail to do, we start out in life with goal and dream and they change and we go through things that hurt us, and sometimes we don't deal with them. ( I am speaking from experience here) that over flows into our relationship. When two people try to take those unresolved things and mesh them into one couple and then add the stress of work, family and general life it gets very hard. Talking to someone can help. I am glad I did.

Hi there,
Hope you don't mind me throwing in the other side of the picture. You sound like something my hubby might say. He works 80 hour weeks an hour from home and I'm staying home right now, but I still expect him to be a part of our household. A big problem we have is that he seems to think that the kitchen sink and the laundry are the ONLY parts of the house. Meanwhile I am cleaning the bathrooms, the other rooms, doing all five of our kids' laundry plus ours, basically cleaning every inch of our house while caring for a newborn and a two year old. Our house is NOT clean right now, because I can't keep up with it by myself. I leave the trash for him to take out and often there are dishes in the sink, because I couldn't get to them today. I leave laundry for him to fold and he crawls in bed underneath the pile of still unfolded clothes, or I fold them and he doesn't even try to put them away.
I know it's hard from both perspectives, but it may help just to take a few to remember that there are two sides to it.

I hope it gets better!!~

Hi K R. I think you are showing signs of depression from what I've read about, seen and heard. Denial is the first sign of every and anything. I sympothize with you though because a woman's work is never done and I go through my moods of "don't touch me's" also; every woman does. Trying to run a smooth household is hectic and very frustrating. Have your son help out around the house; let him earn his keep. I have 4 children, 21 15 8 and 6 and trust me when I say EVERYONE earns their keep in my house. I refuse to try to take on the task of working dealing with crazy folks all day at work and then coming home to deal with frustrations, although I do it. Men can't juggle kids, work, home, chores, kid's activities, homework etc; that's why God made us who we are. Talk to a doctor and try to slow down and on your only day off, stay in bed and just relax. If it didn't get done on your work days, don't stress and try to get it done on your only day off. My girlfriend told me when she get home or when her house gets a little out of control, her and her husband do what they call 10 minute tidies. Clean each room for 10 minutes and what you accomplish in 10 minutes is what gets accomplished. Before you know it, the house has taken some form of shape, you're not stressed and he's not acting lazy and hopefully you'll have some me, him and kid time. Good luck and take a breather. We only have one body and when we run this one in the ground, we can't go buy a new one.

K.R.
Like all the other ladies have said you are overworked with a young baby--probably not getting the rest you need and your body is wearing down which is affecting your emotions. I have 7 children the youngest is 7 months also. I am a stay at home mom and I homeschool my oldest 4 children so my life can get quite busy and hectic at times. The Lord is the one that has gotten me through the hard times--His Strength is what I rely on. Our pastor is doing a Bible study on Marriage and the Family on Thursday nights at 7 p.m. I know you say you don't get home till 7:30 but I know it would be worth your effort and time to come out--it has been so helpful. Our church has a website if you would like to check it out or e-mail our pastor www.hpibc.com

I will be praying for you!
J.

Hello K R,

Yes, go get some help!! You HAVE to take care of yourself!!!

Good luck!!
S.

See your doctor. I had similar stuff going on last spring. I felt like I was PMS-ing all the time because I was exhausted and extremely irritable and constantly bickering with my husband. See your doctor and tell him/her everything that's going on and be honest. Mine put me on anti-depressants for 6 months just help get all my chemicals back in balance. I hated doing it at first, but I had myself back again after 2 days. My marriage improved, and I was able to go off the pills after 6 months just like my doctor said I would. I'm not saying you are depressed, but definitely talk to your doctor about everything.

What you need is a marriage councelor. Ask if he will go. He is justifying and making excuses for himself for not helping out, (aren't you expected to get things done even though you have the little one?) Sadly, he may later use the same excuses to justify the affair he had because you wouldn't be intimate with him. This problem isn't going to go away and must be dealt with.

I had a similar problem with my husband. I nagged and argued and tried to discuss it with him over and over, but it didn't help. It just made me want him less. I finally made a list of all the things that needed to be done around the house. One list was all the things that needed to be done daily, a second was all the things that needed to be done weekly, and a third of all that needed to be done monthly. (for some of the items I also wrote how long it takes me to do them). Then, I sat him down and told him that I wanted to talk about our lack of a sex life and how concerned I was about what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. I told him that I knew how much he was contributing to the family and really appreciated it, and hoped he knew what I contributed and was grateful. I then told him how frustrating it was for me that not enough was getting done. I asked him to look at the lists I wrote down and asked if he thought I had left anything off. Then I asked how he thought we should juggle things to make sure we got it all done (or at least most of it). I tell you, it was a real eye opener for my husband. He had no idea of all the things I was doing around the house or felt needed to be done. I let him decide how things should be split and he made a very reasonable and fair decision. Because it was his decision, he really stepped up after our conversation and took responsibility for his portion. Of course, I did have to ask him sometimes when he thought he might get around to some of it, but just his response to our conversation went along way to alleviate my resentment and rekindle my desire. Good luck.

This sounds normal to me. Having a new addition to the home takes some adjusting for all members of the family. I would ask your husband to go to dinner, just the 2 of you, so that you can talk. OR do it at home in private. The key is doing it when your not mad or emotional. Break down a list of what your responsibilities are, including grocery shopping, Wal Mart, cooking, running the kids to the doctors, setting up doctor appointments, etc. Make a list of the things you would like him to do (without you asking), also make sure your older son is doing his fair share of chores, at 13 he should be helping out. You are training him to be someone elses husband one day (or just an independant adult). Also explain to your husband that when your upset, you lose the urge to be intimant, it is a normal woman reaction. For men sex is a physical thing, for woman it is fairly emotional. As long as you have open lines of communication, it will get better (without having to pay a therapist to tell you the things that you can discuss on your own) If that doesn't work, then maybe a 3rd party therapist might help! Good Luck!

If your husband is home in the afternoons it sounds like he starts work early. If so he is probably tired when he gets home. I used to do shift work and still know people who do and of all the shifts starting early was the worst. We would all get home and take nap. Then be refreshed for the evening. Your husband comes home to baby minding, always a tiring thing.

Your thirteen year old is quite old enough to load the dish washer and even do laundry. He has to learn sometime and if it helps you out he should be doing it now. My 9yr old Grandson takes it in turns with his Grandfather to load the dishwasher after dinner. I cook the dinner and wash the pans and they put the dishes in the washer. I only wash the pans and clean the kitchen as I have it timed so I can listen to my favourite radio show while I do it. My husband does the lunch as we are retired now. I didn't actually ask him to do lunch but he gets hungrier than I do and I made sure for a while that I was busy when I knew he was hungry. Men need training and conditioning and as a previous correspondent said we need to use our wiles. Or we would end up doing it all.

Good luck. Don't fall into the Supermom trap many happy healthy kids grow up in squalor a clean tidy home is very desirable but not an essential.

First of all I would like to say that most guys like to use the excuse of the kids to get out of house work. They just cant juggle things the way we can. It will never be done your way. I think we have all been though what you are feeling right now. And it will pass. Things need to be done and if you are not home to do them then he needs to step up to the plate but realize that you could be asking things to be done the way you would like them. I know my husband has issues with homework, cooking and cleaning up the mess from all the chaos that happened at once.

Hi

I have been in a similar situation too. My first baby is 7.5 months and I have gone back to work and I always feel like I am doing all the jobs at home. We have also rarely been together becasue of all of the above.
A friend of mine said to give myself time and not even to expect a normal sex life until your baby is about a year old that there are too many changes for all of you to expect your relationship both in and out of the bedroom to be the same.

I have sat my husband down many times and discussed that I would stop complaining and have more energy for him if he would help out and luckily he has started to do some things. But I also find I should not expect him to do it as I do it and if I ask him to do just one or two things then its better than asking him to do a whole list and he responds better.

It sounds like you need to work through this together. Be patient.....it did take my lovely husband a while before he could see we were both working hard in and outside the home. And when he does do something be sure to thank him and let him know how much it helped you out or saved you time.

Good luck!

Hello, It is ok to turn inward, it helps balance your body, mind and spirit...take time to listen to what you are feeling on the inside......Do a detox to rid yourself of toxins stuck in your system...if you expect something from someone, be specific about what you expect.
If you choose to treat this with science,and meds, then yes go to a Dr.
Dont forget to breath....work with one thing at a time, at the time where you are...change is inevitable..

When you feel really alone say the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference....

Sounds like you're fine, just reacting as women do. Hubby is being difficult and it affects our libido. Just how we're wired. When my husband and I disagree, very little can get me in the mood. Very little.

Men and women are wired differently and he honestly doesn't have a clue that his dastardliness is affecting your drive. (Women are emotionally driven, men are tactually (sp?) driven; sight, touch, etc) Having you both choose chores is a good idea, since he (hopefully) pitches in and he gets to think it was his idea.

When he acts like he gives a hoot about how you feel and what you need, you're libido will likely respond.

Good luck and God Bless.

start with a marriage counselor. You may not need a Dr., just someone non-biased to get you two re-bonded and help share the work around the house. Communication is very important! If we women are getting our needs met, by our husbands, we also feel more able to love them. He needs to know how you are feeling and visa versa.

I fall in the camp of "see a doctor about post-partum (or other) depression" first thing. I know you may not think you're depressed and others have said it's normal worn-out mom-of-infant exhaustion, but post-partum can act just like that and not "show." It is no shame, no stigma, if you do have depression.

Whether or not you're depressed, you ARE overworked and your husband must help out, as others have said. The "I was looking after the baby" excuse doesn't work because he's not a babysitter--he's a member of the whole houshold and they're his dishes and laundry too. You are not asking too much at all-- babies that age DO nap, which is prime time to load the dishwasher. I do wonder whether laundry really needs to be daily; can it be a weekend or twice a week chore instead of daily?

And finally, I am very strongly in favor of getting your 13-year-old WAY involved. My friend's son is 13 and is responsible for all his own laundry and has been for a couple of years. A 13-year-old can and should learn to cook a little and make a meal or two each week for you all. And dishes cry out for a kid to do them. He's more than old enough not just to pitch in but to be a contributing member of the household--daily. So is your husband. You aren't asking him for a full vacuum-dust-pickup-dishes-laundry-clean out the closets daily!

So: 1. Doctor, and take your husband but not the baby with you. Your husband needs to see that you are serious about not feeling with-it and well. 2. Possibly counseling (pastoral, marriage, couples) 3. Get your older child as involved as he should be. 4. Consider if laundry can be less than daily, which sounds like a lot to me for a family of four with one just an infant. As for the "my husband's just a friend" feeling, that is normal, normal, normal at periods in marriages, especially for a while, even a long while, after having an infant! Do not despair, talk to your husband firmly but in love, and be clear that you feel the way you do and it does matter to your marriage for him to go WITH you to doctor or counseling etc. and to be on your side in getting your teenager to help out. (If you want the teen to help but Dad is lackadaisical about that and doesn't back you and also expect the teen to help, you have another problem there.) Good luck and don't accept feeling this way if you know it feels wrong. Your hormones are still going crazy, so listen to your own body and mind.

K R,
You may want to talk to your doctor about post pardum, you may also want to talk to a counselor. I know exactly how you are feeling, I feel the same way towrads my hubby, unfrtunitly I am home all day everyday with 3 out of my 5 kids and I feel completely detached from my hubby. I have talked to him about this and we were going to start seeing a marriage counselor and I saw the counselor first and it turned out that I need to work on me before I can work on my marriage, I am at the point of taking the kids and leaving. This is all very frustrating and I wish you the best of luck.

even good marriages go through blank times, and this seems to be one of them. your dh's reluctance to do chores when he's tired is understandable, but when it means it ALL falls on you and you are then unresponsive, a little intervention might be called for. i don't think you're depressed, but i'll bet a good marriage counselor could give you both some tools for communication and coping-with-mundania skills that would make you both feel better.
good luck!
khairete
S.