New Marriage, New Step-kids, No Time!

Hi, L.
I two have one biologic child and two step children. What worked well for us is, instead of giving allowances, I post a list of chores and the fees I will pay if they are done. If one of the kids wants money for a toy or book, I send them to the list, and they pick some chores they want to do, and they receive the pay.( yes, I work them well below minimum wage). I list some small chores (set the table, clear the table, take out the trash) and some larger ones, (do the dishes, mop the floor, dust, vacuum) and have had a lot more help that way. The kids also learn the connection between working and having money.
Good luck. L.

L.,

I noticed several suggestions for www.flylady.net . She is wonderful and so is her site. She also has a link to a "housefairy" that will help you get the kids on board with helping in a great fun motivating way that works.

Good Luck, you're doing a fabulous job!!

L.

Old marriage, 3 kids and both working full time and in the same boat except my kids are older, so IT DOESN'T GET BETTER. I have 2 kids in two sports, volleyball-soccer, cross country-soccer and football, jazz band, etc. My first suggestion is to realize that this is the way it will be for 8 years through high school. I got a cleaning service bi weekly, because after practice/games/whatever until 8 or 9, I don't want to scrub toilets that really need it. I keep all uniforms/cleats/etc in one closet. To keep from looking for the last tap shoe or shin guard I have a bag or backpack for each child/activity. Review the week and line up meals on the calendar. For instance chicken on Sunday enough to have sandwiches for game night Tuesday. Invest in a crock pot for ready meals when you get home. My 10 year old can do laundry. Put a 1,2,3 chart on the washer lid and remind them that a load of laundry consists of wash, dry, fold and put away. Not just one of the 4 steps. You will make it and the more responsible you make your kids now, the better they will be. For example my 14 year old asked her coach for her practice schedule a week in advance, when the coach hadn't gotten the far yet. When asked why, my daughter said that she had to plan her week. Scary when a 14 year old freshman is thinking further ahead than the 30 year old coach, but she has learned to plan ahead because she has to give me the schedule to work it in with her two siblings. Hang in there until Basketball starts in late November!!

L., I hate to teel u this but your life sounds identical to mine. I also have 3 kids 11,10 and 6. 2 girls in ballet, tap, jazz, baseball and a son in baseball, football, basketball. I work 30 hrs. per wk. (2 jobs) On Monday I leave the house after cleaning all day(my day off) at 2:45 to pick my 2 older kids up at 3pm( we go to a school of choice so there is no busing system). My youngest gets out at 3:40 then home to change - Ballet at 4:15 for Jordyne and my niece whomI also pick up because her mom works full time and can not get her to a dance class. Back home til 5:05 pick up girls Drop off Kyla for the 5:15 class, go back home, drop DAmion off at football at 6pm back to gat Kyla whom gets out of ballet at 6:10, bach home again, THan back to get DAmion at 7:30, them back home by 7:45. I run all day all the time. THe husband helps if I CAN"T do it. During all this I have to feed them all and do homework. You are not the only mother doing this. Dishes and laundry are the place to start. Your doing a good job, just make bedtume a little earlier to make time for yourself. ANd remember, in a few years they will be tooo busy for mom! sob, enjoy it now and take a night hear and there for yourself, you can';t burn out the kids need you. Mom is always the backbone of the family!! Good luck! L.

I don't know you or your money situation but here are two suggestions...

Quit your job, rearrange your budget, buy used cars, maybe downsize in house and then maybe you can stay home if you wanted. If you consider how much you are spending on gas, repair, clothes for work, eating out etc...
Maybe you love your job and would never want to stay home... who knows but if you did I am guessing you could work it out if you reduced your lifestyle a little bit. It would obviously be a sacrifice but then you would have time to do some things you enjoy in addition to spending more time with your new husband and kids because you'll have all your work done when they get home and dinner won't be rushed etc... sorry, I just stay home and LOVE it and I don't know you woman like you do it... it's amazing!!

second you could hire a house cleaner once a month or twice a month and get all the bathroom cleaning, dusting... you know all the deeper cleaning done and you would only have laundry etc... to do, that may help some.

Other than that I don't know how you do it... you much has tons of energy to work, enjoy your kids/husband and still get all that work done, I could never do that.

Hi L.,

Congratulations on your new blended family. I can hear how stressful your life is. You're both working (or away from home) for 50 hours a week. Making you laugh is not the only thing he should be doing. There are a finite amount of hours in each day and you can only do so much. It's time to first sit down as a couple to discuss evenly distributing both the work load and the childcare responsibilities (driving to practice, games etc.) If you two can't come to an agreement that he's willing to do, and/or if you don't see him living up to his agreement, it would be wise to seek outside counsel here. You might benefit as a family to see a family counselor. There's so much turmoil that naturally happens when you blend families. Once you and your husband have worked out your thoughts and job sharing, bring the children into a family discussion and split up there jobs. There's much that they can do, dishes, beds, dusting, sweeping, bathroom Pretty much everything once they're taught and some things with adult supervision.
My final suggestion is checking out flylady at www.flylady.net She's filled with info on decluttering, 15 minute cleaning etc. Best of luck, S.

you sure do have a lot going on!!
The kids are old enough to do chores daily. Nothing big... But things like Take YOUR basket of clothes upstairs and PUT THEM AWAY... Cleaning up after themselves, setting the table, clearing it off, taking care of any pets (with an occasional supervision check), putting groceries away, sweeping, dusting, etc... split between 3 kids over a whole week equals about 15 min a day...
Call a family meeting.
Sit down with a whole list of things YOU AND HUBBY THINK NEEDS DONE on a weekly basis.
Have each person choose 5 things THEY will do. Then figure out how many times they need to do it a week and on what days. Make a schedule and hang it up. (this includes hubby)
Its suprizing how much time just taking one or two things off your plate will free up. (WARNING: you will always find something to fill up your time. WHY? A mothers work is never done and we have been cursed with the ability to multitask.)

Once a week or so leave everything in hubbys hands. Even if its just to get a coffee and hang out at the library. (Do not get upset about still having to do your after dinner chores when you get back. At least you got time with out monkeys pulling you in 16 directions. I find its the noise and busyness that goes on in a house hold of 5 that is what wears on me the most. Just getting away for a few minutes helps settle things.

Congrats and good luck... Now go take a nap.:-)

Plan some time for yourself. You'll have to negotiate it, but it is well worth it. It's easier to stick to if it is a routine and everyone knows "mom's not around to do it."

However, you need to sit down with your dh and explain that him complaining about doing chores makes it harder for you because 1) he's a role model for the kids and 2) the house needs to function or else there will be nothing, but chaos and that you - as his partner - will not tolerate a chaotic house.

When 10 hours of your day are taken up driving + the 40 (or more) you work, you don't have the time or patience to put up w/ the bad behavior of others. He needs to step up and help you and supervise the kids as they learn how to take care of a house. I'm pretty sure that he also wants kids who will be able to cook and have the ability to clean their own houses - take care of themselves.

Your kids are old enough to have privleges taken away, but you'd need the support of dh to enforce and be effective.

JMHO.

Oh - and don't nag. If you give someone a chore and it doesn't get done. Don't nag them about it. For instance, it's my husband's job to do the trash. If he doesn't do it, then most the time it doesn't get done. Once in a while, if there's just way too much of it sitting in bags by the door, then I'll take it out if it's been a couple of days and they still haven't moved! However 95% of the time, he'll get it out because he knows it's his job to do it and more than likely I won't do it for him.

It might take something being gross for awhile for someone to get motivated to do their job; however, when they see that mom isn't going to pick up the slack and do it for them, they get the message that they need to do it or it won't get done.

So if someone's laundry isn't downstairs by an appointed day/time, then it just doesn't get done until it's downstairs next week at the appointed day/time. If they complain about not having any clean underwear show them a calendar and a where the laundry goes so it can get done in a timely manner. If they aren't happy with that, then show them how to do their own laundry so they can choose to either do their own laundry or have mom do it. I think I was 12 when I started doing my own. 10 still might be too young????

You'll have to see what others think about that.

Pow wow with hubby, pleasantly let him know that you need help with the normal household chores. Before you came into the picture he had to do them himself, and you are willing to help but not be his replacement. Show him a list of the chores that you want help with and suggestions of who should help with them along with the chores that you are willing to continue doing. If he balks, then hand him a list of maid services and laundry services with their rates noted and give him two weeks notice of your official retirement from trying to be super mom. Give him the two weeks to figure out what to do, if no change, go on strike of sorts. Continue to do the laundry if it is in the laundry area, then place it into separate baskets and let the family know that it is done and sitting in the basement, take care of your own things. If they run out of clothes, then dump a huge amount of dirty ones in the basement, tell them they have to learn how to do them themselves and show them how! I know that us women are capable of doing it all, and we can if we have to. You don't have to, you don't want to, so don't!

L.,

I know you don't have a lot of time, but check out www.flylady.net The website is a great tool for breaking down household cleaning chores into 15 minute tasks, things your kids could do without working all the time.
Such as:
sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor - 10 minutes tops
collecting the trash from around the house - 10 minutes
stripping their beds and remaking them - 10 minutes
dust the house (each child takes a room) - 10 minutes
vacuum only the middles of the busiest rooms - 10 min.
empty dishwasher and rinse dirty dishes and refill -10 min.
do their own laundry - 5-10 minutes to start, 15 to fold
and put away

Just remember you goal as a parent is to teach your children the skills they will need when they leave the house. Schedule a day for each of them to use the washer and dryer for their own clothes. Show them how to use the washer and dryer and print up a sheet with your directions so they can refer to it when you are not there.
Here is a basic schedule:
Monday: child number one
Tuesday: bed sheets
Wednesday: child number two
Thursday: towels
Friday: child number three
Saturday: mom and dad's clothes
Sunday: delicates or anything that was missed

If for some reason one of your children missed their day to do the laundry then they will have to wait until the next week. This will teach them responsibility and consequences, through cause and effect.

FlyLady says "House work done imperfectly still blesses your family" just keep that in mind when you ask your family to help out with the chores.

Also check out FlyLady's student control journal for your kids. They may find that it will help them to focus both on school work and on their chores at home. They can keep a copy of the laundry schedule in their journal, as well as a copy of their sport practices, game schedule, school assignments and due dates, etc.
http://www.flylady.net/pages/control_journals.asp

A control journal might also help you as well. I have one for me at home and love it!

Would your employer be open to the idea of telecommuting one day a week? If so this might free up a bit of time for you on your breaks and you could schedule to be home on the busiest day of your week.

Good luck tweaking your schedule.

-C..

L.!!!!! Girl, time for a family meeting! ALL of the household chores need to be written down and SHARED! Talk about free time for everyone and chore time, do they have to ASK for dinner, rides... If you set yourself up to do it all you will! What did your hubby do before you were in the pic?
His own laundry, grocery, cooking?... He should be sharing HALF, including the doling of chores! Stand your ground, YOU CAN DO IT!
K., mom of 5, (3 step) been there, tried your shoes, and changed them!

I agree with April. Even though you can do all the chores you are doing, hubby can also. I think as women we tend to just do everything and wear ourselves out. You should be able to enjoy some you time. Also if you are too stressed and tired all the time, you won't have a lot left to give your husband and that can lead to more problems.

The kids are old enough to do some daily chores also even if they are involved in sports. There are things they can do daily to help that won't take up a lot of their time and will help you a lot. Also, by having them do some of the chores now, you will be teaching them some valuable life skills that they will need when they are on their own someday.

Hope this helps.

Hi L.,
Sounds like you have a lot going on.
At our house the rule is... "there are 3 people living here there are 3 people doing chores". Write a list of EVERYTHING that needs to be done daily and weekly. Next, assign each child "chores" that they need to do everyday and a couple they need to do every week. (i.e. take out full garbages every day or take all garbage to the curb every week.) Then give each child a list to pick one "accomplishment" daily.
I tell my daughter that we expect her to complete her chore list everyday. We also expect her to complete at least one accomplishment everyday. (i.e. mowing the yard) I have three days a week that I do laundry, dust, vacuum,shop, I call those my domesticating days. I multitask ALOT... laundry while I cook dinner. Vacuum while dishes are soaking in the dishwater. I make each child put away their own laundry. Show them how it should be taken care of and let them do it. Have a family meeting and explain to them the new rules and that completing chores and accomplishments daily is their way of putting into the household. You run them to and from all of their school activities so this is how they show their appreciation for your time and money.
Hope this helps!
E.

You both signed on for this. To make the best, incorporate your bike riding with a family bike riding outing. Eveyone benefits. If you need extra time alone, say so when everyone gets home that you're taking a couple extra spins.

But set up house rules, just to make this work. It can't all be lumped onto your shoulders. This is a group thing.

I would pick one of the two full time careers you have - mother or employee. I think you would be more happy sticking with the mom job. If that is not an option because of $$$ then I would look for a part time job (for your sanity) or something closer to home. Good luck.

Also, (and it is hard for me to say this becuase I prefer a clean house) sometime you have let something give, and that may be the house isn't always picked up or clean.

The best thing to do is to make a chart and stick it on the fridge. Each chore gets rewarded a sticker. An accumulation of stickers equals an outing of the child's choice. As for your hubby, just let him know how you're feeling and I'm sure he'll be willing to help out more. Good luck!! :)

It sounds to me like you are taking on the role of Super Woman? If so, then you need to 'give it up' a bit. Burn out will occur and you are good to no one. It sounds like the children (some of them) are old enough to definitely pitch in and take on some chores and help you. They may not be used to it, but it will make them better and more organized people later in life!

I recommend having a family sit down and telling them honestly. If they care for you, they will get it. If they do not start helping out, then tell them later again at another sit down, that the chores are coming whether they like it or not... It is not really an option.

My son is four and I have him picking up his toys (to the best of his ability anyway! LOL!). He's old enough to make the mess, so he his old enough to clean it. But when he is older, he will be in charge of cleaning his room as I was and helping with the other household chores that are easy to do (and that do not cause damage.).

Good Luck!

I am also newly married (again) with 3 children. We have decided to rotate rooms. One child does the Kitchen one week, the other does the Familyroom, the other does the Front room - my husband and I do the rest, except their bedrooms are done every Sat and their Bathroom is done by all three every Sunday. Each week they switch rooms to clean. What a difference. It is not clean as well as my husband and I would do it, but it is better than the rooms not getting cleaned at all since we both work a lot of hours and weekends. The best thing it has done is now each kid polices the other. No longer is it mom or dad yelling at them to pick up something or put the dish in the sink - they are doing it, because it is now their room to clean. Also, if one slacks a bit on their room, the other will get on them because they don't want to get stuck with a dirty room. We started doing this 2 years ago when my (now husband) moved in. Just an idea that works great for us. Good Luck.

wow what a busy life....so full and so fun!! Make a game out of the chores always...it gets done! also no matter what...take one nite and do nothing....nothing relax...ride your bike...you won't be sorry...the chores will still be there..don't worry be happy with your new family....cindy

Hello L.,
I can relate to your post because I'm dealing with the same type of issues when it comes to household work. Your post sounds similar to mine. My post was earlier in the week about my unhappy B-day. However, I believe there is more to my issues at home than just that particular day. My unfulfilled B-day was just the "straw that broke the camels back."
Anyway, getting back to your post,(lol). I thought it was interesting how you believed going from a single working mom to a married working mom your work load would have reduced. I would have assumed the same thing myself. It sounds like what happened is that are now taking on the the responsibilies of more people so you are working harder. I have learned that anything less than 50/50 does not work.
I think this is just something that happens to most of us. We love our family and want them to be okay so we unintentionally take on more than we can handle. I fell into the trap of thinking I was the best person to assume all the care of the kids and housework. I was foolish enough to think I could do it better. That was a mistake. Somehow thinks back fired on me.
I think moms (married,working outside the home and SAHM) perform miracles everyday. Single People without children don't have no idea. I've been trying lately to stop selling myself short.
I'm definately no expert on marriage. But, I can tell you from experience. Let your problems be know upfront. Let him know how you feel. Immediately. I kept my feelings to myself and let the resentment rise/grow inside of me. It caused me to be miserable and angry. I was beginning to take my frustrations out on my family. My problem is keeping my feelings to myself letting things stew inside of me until I approach my husband for an agument (days later). By that time I confront him has no idea (or at least he pretends) what I'm talking about.

Good Luck
and Congratulations on your new marriage!!

Oh hun I know exactly how you feel.
You are being stretched very thin and feel you are burning the candle at both ends.

what I do I stand firm and tell everyone that I am taking me time,no and's,if's or but's about.If I didn't make a bit of time for myself then I find I am useless to the family.

That is exactly what you need to do for yourself,I am sure the kids and hubby will understand.The kids are also old enough that they don't need mom to entertain them for a couple of hours.

I am sure hubby could hold down the fort for an hour or two while you grab a good book and soak in a hot bubble bath,or go for a walk,or even make a coffee date with a friend.

Sometimes I think it's all about training... the husband.

When my husband and I got married 10 years ago we had no children but we both worked full time. I told him he could have a housewife or a work-out-of-the-home-wife, but not both. If he wanted the extra money from my working, he needed to do half of the housework or I would be too tired for sex (sex is aways a good male motivator). He agreed and it's been like that ever since.

Now we have a daughter and I work only part time, but he still does more than his fair share. He does the laundry, takes out the trash, most yardwork, cooks on occassion, helps clean my daughter's room, etc.

I think if you nip this is the bud right away, you'll establish a pattern of sharing work and things will get better for you.

It also helps that I can live in complete and utter squalor and my husband likes things neat, neat, neat. So if I think it's his turn to do something like dishes I just let them sit dirty in the sink for 2 days until he gets the message.

I would get a revolving chore list together so that you don't have to nag and remind and ask. The names and chores are there on the board. Next week it can be switched up so nobody gets burned out on one activity... So you'll have one doing the dishes... one the laundry and the other taking out garbage and sweeping/vacuuming floors.. etc...
Then set consequences when the jobs aren't done. These things can be done after school rather than waiting for the weekend.