Two Questions

Question 1 - been there and still there! Men will do what they want to do and YES we need to ASK SWEETLY for their help. Question 2 - I don't necessarily need to know what the surgery was but could be the cause of it whether it has put fear in him or resentment or just questions. Again being gentle, sweet, patience. Have you tried talking to him; of course after thinking what would be the best approach. Couples NEED to talk. You may want to alter what you wear to bed at night and use a special fragrance. Best Wishes. J.

I know this may sound weird to some of you ladies but my husband started helping with the inside stuff when one day he came home and I shoveled the drive and a roast was in the crock pot inside. It showed him how nice it is for someone to help him out and he in turn was more likely to help me out for a while. When that stops I do another one of his chores and he helps me for a while longer. I found kindness or asking with a kiss goes alot further than nagging or demanding. The whole idea of serving each other... sometimes the guys just need to be reminded of the concept.

Times certainly has changed since I raised my two. I worked full time.. part time.. maintained a home and raised my children with minimal help from my husband ( whom I adore). The trick to it all is to priority... what needs to be done immediately and what can wait til another day. I can honestly say that my home stayed cleaned using this method. Your 5 year old should be able to pick up her own toys by now and your almost 2 can certainly help also. Men in general need to be told what you need help with and not just once. Most men don't see the house in the same eyes as we do. I can say that working (going to school).. raising children and having a husband is hard work. It is never ending but a joyful experience if you don't sweat the small stuff. Your refusal to do your husbands laundry and I have a feeling their is alot of tension around your home is a probable reason his libido isn't as high as it should be. You say he might have to get out of the service sooner then he expected that might have put alot of pressure on him, how is he going to support his family etc. My refusing to be his wife you are saying he isn't as much of a man. Loving goes a long way.

I went through your situation for twenty years and am now divorced. Men don't see the magnitude of work that women do. I would suggest that if you can get him to agree to keeping track of the hours you spend every week doing housework and the hours he spends shoveling, etc., the evidence will be clear and he won't have any grounds to stand on with regard to fairness.

So, does he spend two or three hours a day, every day of the year, shoveling snow. Goodness...where do you live? I did all of the housework and yard work, including 90 percent of the shoveling and all of the mowing (because I actually enjoyed it...it was fresh air and exercise and cheaper than a club membership, and those hours don't even begin to hold a candle to all of the hours I spent taking care of and raising three kids, running errands, cooking, laundry and cleaning house.

I suggest you keep track of both of your hours and he probably will feel pretty silly that he even thought of making such a suggestion. :)

Hi L.-
I found a great website www.flylady.net which has helped me both learn to keep the house reasonably clean and also helped/encouraged me to move toward the goal of getting my husband more involved. It is in baby steps not overnight, she always states that the house did not get dirty in one day, it will not get clean in one day! My house sounds like yours in the outside/inside chore thought process and that I have to "ask" DH to help me do things. The website can seem overwhelming because of all the email "reminders" but don't beat yourself up, just delete them if tney don't fit that day, the email reminder will be there again the next day, things will get done in baby steps!
Hang in there and best of luck!
J.

L.,

I've been married for 15 years and I still have to ask. We have to ask, because men don't think the same way we do. They need to know that we need them for one thing. Secondly, they figure if you don't ask for help that we don't need it. You can't make assumptions where men are concerned. Just tell him, and keep telling him. It will make him feel good knowing that you need his help, and you will get the help you need.

Lisa - mom of 4 boys

Good for you for talking to your husband.

Now, in a few weeks or months, when he forgets he is supposed to be helping you (LOL) try www.flylady.net

It got me out of my "stinkin' thinkin'" and chaotic clutter. It also helps you to build routines. And it's totally free. I have not spent a penny on learning all the tips and tricks etc. Oh yeah, and I did it with a 4 month old. I am way better off in the household/housework situation for having signed up with flylady.

I have to ask my husband every time to help me clean. He tells me it doesn't look like I need help so if I want him to help I have to ask. He is full time AF (he goes in and comes home whenever he wants) and I stay at home. I can clean the house but when he comes home from work it's 50/50. He lives here and makes messes too, why can't he help with dishes at the end of the day? The whole 50/50 thing doesn't work quite like I want it to but atleast he is picking up after himself now. In order to get my point across I tried not cleaning for a month and I hated it because all his friends would say something about why I didn't clean the house. It didn't quite work so I blew up at him and told him how I felt. He said OK. I really hope your husband understands how you feel. Just sit down and talk to him about (it's ok to cry too, it'll really get your point across) ;) Good luck!

As for your second question I don't know. I wish my husband lost his libido because I don't have much of one lol.

you shouldn't have to ask him to help when he can see just the same as you do that the house needs picked up. but after being married my ex for 6 years and married to my husband now for almost 3 years (even put a post up about the same thing as you)... men don't see things the same as we do. I have to ask my husband almost every time to help me pick up. We have 5 kids and a dog inside and with in minutes of me cleaning its like a tornado again. After blowing up a few times and asking very nicely the rest he is finally getting it that he needs to help me. I know he was very tired when he got home from work, so I only asked him to help on weekends when I decided to do the cleaning.. not picking up. after a few weekends of cleaning with me, making sure he got to do each room atleast once he seen how much work goes into cleaning it "my way" and now he picks up with out me even having to ask. He will even ask me if I would like him to do the dishes atleast once a week. There is hope for him yet, lol. I would sit down with him and explain your side and make sure to point out that he doesn't do the outside work every day... if he has to then you dont expect him to do the inside work... otherwise it would really help you out alot and you would appreciate it very much.

as for question#2... im not sure what to say to help other than maybe it would be like for when we loose it... if you can get to do it more... the more he will want it. start slow and slowly try to increase the times and hopefully it will come back more.

good luck on both of them... as both can be fusterating!

I second the suggestion of www.flylady.net! And read her book too "Sink Reflections". It helped me tremendously in feeling better about the house and myself. You may even find it helps with things in the bedroom. Suggestions from "Saving Dinner" and savingdinner.com can help with meal planning and prep, too.

In the end, I divorced my lazy, chronically unemployed, husband anyway, but... Now he lives in the house and he cleans and cooks and is an active parent to our young daughter! :-)