Seeking Advice on How to Balance Work/home/me-time in a Crazy Busy Life......!

B. - my first thought when I read this was why is it your responsibility to clean up the house and your husband go to bed. If you both work full-time, the house is both of your responsibility.

I have felt like you many times. I must admit that the house is typically my responsibilty. My husband does the dishes every night and I do the rest. Having a clean home is the last priority on my list. My children are first. And that means that I attend every one of their events in their life. I need to plan my days well so that I can do the things that are important to me. My theory is that my children are only at home with me for a short time (my daughter is 19 and in college and my son is 16 so I don't have too many more years left). I'll have a clean house when they move out. :) Saturdays and Sundays I prefer to rest. I'd rather rest than clean so cleaning doesn't get done on a regular basis.

I clean when I'm going to have company and assign chores to everyone. A clean home is not just my responsibility because I'm a woman!

Good luck,

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When both parents work full time, how should the rest of the household chores be split?

Well, fifty-fifty, of course. Just because you're a woman that doesn't mean the house is YOUR job, and he can "help" from time to time. The home is both of yours, and the children are both of yours. And the housework -- both of yours.

Sit down and figure out how you want to share the responsibilities, and appeal to his sense of fairness.

And good luck! It sounds like you are overworked and exhausted and I am very sympathetic. That's a really tough situation to be in.

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ok-are you serious??...your not going to like my response to this...but...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR HUBBY???.you need to stand up for yourself-you didnt have the kids alone,mess up the house alone..etc.sounds like you need to sit your hubby down and do a priority list.this is real bothersome to me-he goes to bed and you have to stay up an clean house??are we back in the 1950,s??with a fractured hand??grrrrrrrr.....guess thats why im still single-no man is going to control me like that-relationships are a 2 way street-24/7...make up chore lists for everyone-including the kids-they are not to young to help out-dont forget to include your hubby,when making out a chore list-your a family-work together like one!! being stressed out,burnt out and harboring resentment is not gonna help with weight loss-your body will retain any extra fat-to combat these issues.get the rest you need.take care of you-the kids need their mommy healthy-your heading towards a total melt down....good luck-if you need help organizing-email me-take care-K.

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I can't believe his gall! You have a fractured bone in your hand and a pulled muscle, he should pick up ALL the slack for you until you heal and not make nasty remarks. I would have said, "Do it yourself, and while you're at it, sleep on the sofa!" But that's just me...He just makes me mad, he reminds me of my brother in law that expects my sister to do everything, including waiting on him. Please, show him some of the responses you have received and maybe he will lay off and help out.

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It's my belief that the chores should be shared between husband and wife. Next time he asks you or makes a comment let him know how you feel or tell him now before hand.

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I personally think your hubby can help you with chores around the house. Its not all up to you to do everything. Your marriage is 50/50 so he needs to step up also. He also needs to appreciate everything you do. Sounds like your children are helping out and they are kids that is great now is your hubby's turn to help out.
Its hard enough working full time, raising children and doing things for them and having all the cleaning at home to do plus get food on the table. Dont be so hard on yourself, maybe working part time would be better for your situation. You need to take care of yourself as well and running yourself down like it sounds you are doing isnt good for anyone. You need to slow down a bit so you can enjoy life and your family then is when you will have time to get things done around the house and time for yourself as well! I hope this helps, I know money may be an issue as to why you both work full time if its not maybe cutting back on work could make all the difference. L.

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I want to repeat the information the last person gave about checking out www.flylady.com. it is a great website and will change your life.

Wow!! I can't belive your husband said that! If my husband said that to me I would have been so angry, he deffinatly would have gotten an ear full!

Housework will always be there... Your family will not, Enjoy them while they are still living at home! Nobody ever says... "mom my was such a bad cleaner... but we always had fun", but they WILL remember that you stressed about cleaning instead of taking time for them or yourself!

If you both work full-time outside of the home, then inside the home should be both of your work as well. Split the chores.

Same boat here. Full time work (telecommute) and full time mom and full time wife and ... yeah, it's hard to balance everything. I did a similar thing last weekend - spent the little one's entire nap time scrubbing walls and baseboards.

I spread the housework out over the week, but I try not to get overly stressed about not getting to it. There are only so many hours in the day, and the lie "you can have it all" is just that - a lie. You can have pieces of it all, but you can't have/do it all. It's just not possible.

Prioritize and remember, it will get less stressful. Once the little ones are less dependent you'll have more time to deal with everything else.

Hi B.,
It can be very tough to find a balance in life. I am a mom of 4 (ages 8, and 6 yo triplets), a wife, and I am a licensed daycare provider. I completely understand trying to "fit it all in" each day. I try to do a little each day so as not to have to spend a whole Sat. or Sund. doing household chores. Ex- Mondays, I do all our bathrooms, Tues, I do all the dusting and vacuuming, Wed, I scrub floors, Thurs, I strip beds and wash those, Friday, I do the other odds and ends that need to be done, and each day I try to do a load of laundry or two (lots of that to do with a family of 6). I do this after my kids are tucked in at 8 each night, I spend an hour on it, and then have the rest of the evening to myself to spend w/the hubby and do what "I" want to do. This seems to work for me to have a "schedule", or things probably wouldn't get done. Hope this helps and good luck!

Hi B.,

I think you should sit down with hubby and calmly let him know that it hurt you when told to clean up before going to bed when he went to bed while you cleaned late into the night. Also mention that you agree that the chores are piling up but since both work the household chores should be done by both.

I only work part-time BUT my hubby still has chores to do. If he sees something that is behind (dishes, laundry, scrubbing the toilet, taking out the trash) he does it, sometimes or usually I have to ask him to do it but he will do it. I usually do the deep cleaning (scrubbing every inch of the bathroom and kitchen, cleaning the living room and bedrooms) and if time I do the laundry BUT as I said I am only part time! You working full time as well as your hubby the chores should be 50/50, and the kids keep doing what they are doing.

I remembered my mom had a chore chart, it was more so we could see what needed to be done that week... Here are some websites that could help you start one if you chose to use them...

http://www.goalforit.com/landing/charts.html?gclid=CPyFm7...

http://housekeeping.about.com/od/involvingfamily/a/5easyc...

http://housekeeping.about.com/od/schedulesandcharts/Sched...

http://www.successfulfamilychores.com/

http://www.successfulfamilychores.com/Chore_Charts/

http://theideadoor.com/JobCharts.html

http://www.titus2.com/chores/chore-charts.html

There were tons of links, these are just a few. If you don't find something you like above just type in chore chart for family or family chore chart and keep searching.

Someone else mentioned a hire someone to come in and clean... if you can afford it this might be the a route for you but also do the chore chart for other items like laundry, dishes, daily simple cleaning, trash and so on.

Include your husband in making the change, hopefully he will be more receptive to helping out then. Ask him what chores he would like to do to help out so he feels included and that you did this 'behind his back' if you go with the chore chart or splitting up the chores.

Best of luck, I pray that your household finds more a balance otherwise you are going to very burned out (if not already) and an unhappy mother means an unhappy family!

Oh honey! I will try to be kind in my response- BUT, when my husband went to commenting about the house- I pointed out that I would be happy to do one of two things- I could quit my job and stay home to be his house maid- OR hire a house keeper- if he didn't like those options then he was more than welcome to pitch in where he saw the biggest need for help. If he didn't like the clutter- then he could help eliminate it. I said it firmly- but with out attitude- and I was fortunate that my spouse happily agreed with me and began pitching in. Nothing irritates me more than a spouse who sees a problem and doesn't offer to help with the solution. Good luck

Hi B.- i have been feeling your same stress for weeks now. i have a 3 year old, 6 month old, and a 7 month old puppy. my life is alot like the movie Marley and Me except this mom works full time +. i work some evenings during the work week and my days off are sundays and thursdays and like you I would like to enjoys my days off with my family and not always doing housework, yuk! A couple of evenings i made a list of chores... chores that need to be done daily, weekly and so on. chores that my 3 year old can do. i told my husband about the list i made. he and i'm not sure if he will be on board 100% but at least i've got the ball rolling. i am sorry for not offering you alot of advice. i just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this.

And what does this "wonderful man" do around the house?? He is just as responsible for the home he shares with you and the kids. You should have the reasonable expectation that he will also clean up a little everyday. Especially since right now you are healing from an injury. Both of you should be straightening up everyday and make it an ongoing process. Either of you could run the vacuum right after dinner and the other throw a load into the washer or dryer and fold the clothes after the kids go to bed. One person does a load of laundry and the other loads the diswasher or does dishes; let them drip dry. That way on Saturday the only thing left to do is clean the bathroom and mop the kitchen floor. If he is unwilling to help keep the house clean then he is more of a little boy then a "wonderful man".
One thing I do is keep a trigger spray bottle with general all purpose cleaner and water with my cleaning supplies. When there is a spot on the wall or woodwork or floor I can quickly grab the bottle and squirt-squirt and a quick wipe with a rag and it's cleaned up. I also use rugs just inside the doors to catch any water, dirt or snow and shoes go off if they are dirty. While the kids are brushing teeth and getting pj's on one parent could be putting away a basket of clean laundry. I also straighten up while I am on the phone with friends. I like to keep in contact with friends so when they call if something needs to get done I get up and rinse or soak dishes or put away the laundry while I am talking to them.
If you plan out what needs to be done each day and each of you tackle one or two chores and dust and do windows every other week your home should stay looking presentable. A clean house is great and much safer to live in. No tripping on stuff and getting hurt but remember the Queen rarely comes to visit so if it's not perfect, it's okay.

After dinner, one of us does dishes (including sweeping the floor and taking out garbage/recycling) and the other does bath/bedtime (which includes kids picking up everything they got out that day, dirty laundry they left on the floor, etc.) That gets us to about 8:00 PM. At that point we are done cleaning for the day and can spend time on other things (phone calls, TV, treadmill, email, reading, whatever). On Wednesdays and Saturdays, I run about 3 loads of laundry. In exchange, my husband handles yard care (snow shoveling, mowing) as well as paying bills once a week. On the weekends, one of us vacuums and the other one cleans the bathrooms. I think this system is pretty fair, and the house stays in decent shape... Good luck!

We just started doing a pick up every night before bed. We being my husband and me. We try to do it right after our boys go to bed it takes about 30 minutes tops. With that we try and wipe down counters and sweep as well. It really is nice to wake up to a picked up house. The other thing is just getting into the habit of putting things away etc at the time, we have the touch it once rule we are trying. An example is the mail...deal with it when you get it, don't set it down etc. Then we do a deep clean about 1 time a week to 10 days. We do it together, we each take a level of the house usually. One person doesn't stop until the other is also done. It takes about 2 hours maybe, if the house is already picked up. Also for meals we do a big cook and freeze 3 times a year together, that way there are meals ready if we need them but we also share cooking. But the person who cooks usually does not clean up the kitchen. Also with the exercise try and do that as a family...especially once it gets warm we do family power walk/runs 5 miles! The kids love it! Or a exercise tape...the kids do it with me! Or workout after they go to sleep treadmill and tv is a good combo for me. Good luck! Remember your kids will never remember how clean your house was growing up but they will remeber the time you spent together, and will do better in school with more reading and games!

I think we are all in the same boat. You are a lot nicer than I am though. If my husband made that comment I probably would have made some comment about him not having broken arms or legs and can clean also. One thing that has really helped us is that we do share 50/50 (for the most part). iwasn't the best at keeping the house immaculate before kids but now we both work on it together and keep it some what maintained. Don't be afraid to ask your husband for help on this. Just b/c you both work doesn't mean he shouldn't help either as you work just as hard but don't make all the mess.

If nothing else, divy up the chores and let him pick what he wants to do on a regular basis- dishes, laundry, cook, clean bathrooms, etc- and you get the others. then you won't feel as resentful and be up all night cleaning.

Good luck!

Hi B.,

I think this is so common these days, with two working parents, busy kids, and never a dull moment. I think it's great that you are tackling this now, because your kids' activities outside the home will increase in the next few years, and then things can really spin out of control. I have an 11 year-old and two seven year-olds, and I'm amazed at the number of activities and playdates they have going on between the three of them.

We wear so many hats-- mom, wife, caregiver, housekeeper, shopper, cook, and social director! And for working moms there's a whole additional facet to our lives.

I personally was too overwhelmed by it all to manage family and home and have a full-time job, so some years ago began working for myself. And of course that's no piece of cake either! Even working for myself, I have to have a system for managing the chaos. So here are some resources and ideas for you:

1. Give your husband a specific job that is his daily task. You have daily household tasks, and he should too. If it's washing the dishes, or tidying the kitchen, or putting away laundry, it needs to be something that is manageable and takes one load off your shoulders.

2. Give the kids manageable tasks too. What I do is make a to-do list and post it up on the wall. I tell them they each need to do a certain number (two or three) and then they'll get a star. So they put their initials next to the ones they do. Your three year old might just be able to put toys in a bin, but it's a step in the right direction. I now have my kids cleaning bathrooms. :^)

3. Tidy and organize in 10-minute bursts and focus on just one area at a time.

4. Check out www.flylady.com. Great advice and resources for staying on top of things, and loving yourself even when you don't!

Good luck!

J. Locke
www.newvitalitywellness.com

HI B.,
Yes if both parents are working or not the household chores should be shared. You married this man and you share your life with him so yes it is always best to share the chores. If my husband sais what yours did I would told him to pick up and I'm going to bed. If your husband doesn't want to help then hire someone to clean the house because a exhausted, frustrated and mentally drained mother is no good to the family. Either he chips in to help or pays for someone to do it for him.
Good luck. L.

I can say that I have a very similar situation at home with 2 kids 6 and 3. We do our best to split chores. I get the laundry he gets the dishes. He does most of the outside stuff so I try to keep up on some of the other inside cleaning. We split cooking as much as possible since neither of us is overly fond of that chore. I will say that we have resigned ourselves that we do not have a perfect house and that is the way it is right now. My biggest thing is that we both work full time, it is the 21st century...we split the chores down the middle and both chip in. Where was he until midnight?

T.

Your story sounded very familiar to me. However, in my case, my husband did not say he thought it was the cleaning that was not getting done...It was time together. I took that to heart much more than I would've taken a comment about the sinkful of dishes. I too have recently made time 3-4 times a week to get to the gym and it is cutting into the time I used to have to do a quick pick-up and toss in a load of laundry after work.

But before the gym time, I think that really helped. Everyone in the family knew their work day wasn't over until 15 minutes of "something" had been done when they got home. No flopping down onto the couch, no tv, no ds until books got reshelved, dishes put into the dishwasher, trash taken out, etc. The house doesn't get sparkling clean this way but it will suffice until the kids get older.

Wow, I can totally relate to your question, thank you so much for asking it. I have enjoyed reading the responses so far, but thought I would share some of my thoughts as well. Prechildren and even after my first was born I dedicated every weekend to completely cleaning the house top to bottom, that is how I was raised and LOVE having a clean house. Then # 2 came and was getting so stressed out because my house was not spotless and I was exhausted. My mom gave me wonderful advice and said when her kids were growing up she wishes she would have spent more time with us and let some of the chores go. Kids grow up so fast, I'm finding that out. I was fortunate enough to switch my hours at work, I work 6:45-3:15, got to the gym for 30-40 minutes pick up my kids from daycare and am home by 5:00. I start doing laundry Thursday nights so I am not overwhelmed on the weekends. I also just make sure the house is picked up daily, so on the weekends it's not too messy. I don't scrub down the bathroom every week either, now every other week and on the off weeks I just quickly wipe the mirror, counters and toilet off. (takes 5 mintues) Dusting certainly doesn't need to be done. Doing a little every day is a wonderful idea. I would encourage your husband to help out too. Let him give the kids a bath while you clean the kitchen or vice versa, as corny as it sounds teamwork is so important in running a family!

I hear you! You are not alone. You have the right idea with the kids helping out...everyone should help, especially when there are two working parents. You need to give some time for yourself and have stress relief and energy.

Time to yourself seems impossible. I struggled with that myself, but "if mama ain't happy, nobody is happy".

Here are some tips that I can share that have helped for me:
Prayer time. Offering your struggles to Christ is purifying. He understands and will give you strength. If you give him time he will give it back 100 fold. Try it every morning when you wake, "give me the strength to do what I need to do today".
Yoga. It makes you concentrate on deep breathing and stretching muscles...very relaxing. I just do a basic yoga tape at home and it's great.
I also take Shaklee food supplements. I take their Stress Relief (works in 20-30 minutes!), B-complex (energy and stress) and Cinch (protein shake for sustained energy and weight loss)

I can't tell you how much these three things have done for my sanity and health. Hope this helps.

M. :)

My husband and I had a very simular conversation, only I didn't stay up and clean the house, I told him that he lived there too and if he didn't like the ways things looked he could get off his butt and do it himself... Needless to say if something isn't to his liking he'll clean it. I believe that if both adults work, then both adults need to help around the house.
I agree with the chore charts, everybody lives in the house and everybody makes messes, everybody should help clean it up. I have found that nobody can do it on their own.
You can always do what I did and go on strike, but that is up to you. It worked for me.

well, you can't create more time if its not there. I like to designate a night to cleaning, rather than the weekends. I like to have fun on the weekends. Make sure and pick things up every night before bed...only takes us about 20 minutes. We actually all do it as a family before the kids go to bed, and that way my husband and I can have time for ourselves after the kids go to bed. Then, One night I do the "cleaning", like the toilets, bathroom, dusting. It doesn't really take that long. I figure its better to be stressed about it during the week when I'm already busy than to carry it over into the weekend.
Good luck! Hope this helps a little!

B.,
Hey life is crazy for us too. My husband and I both work and he has two part time jobs as well so isn't home 3 nights a week. I have a toddler and am pregnant and have found that I just can't keep up on the house and it drives me crazy and my husband makes comments too. He has now stepped up to do the dishes because our sink is set up a little weird and it's really uncomfortable for me to do them, but he doesn't really do any other regular household stuff (not even mow the lawn...this winter he is shoveling cause I'm pregnant)we have just decided to hire a house cleaner. We have enough money for this luxury, but I've been really resistant to it. I finally decided to think of it like I would think of getting a massage. It will do wonders for my attitude and outlook and really, I just can't do it all. If my husband was "normal" and only had the one full time job, I would continue to negotiate with him to pick up some of the chore slack. When my husband and I first started living together we actually did a chore wheel and chores rotated every week. I liked that as he did WAY more then then he does now and appreciated how much there actually is to do to keep the house running. You CAN'T do it all. Give yourself a break or tell your husband you need one and he should step up. Good luck.

What about hiring a someone to clean once a week? I think there are some relatively inexpensive ones out there and you'll be "stimulating the economy"! It's just so not worth arguing about, and cleaning time cuts into quality family time. You'd all still have to split some chores, but a cleaning person could maybe tackle whatever it is that needs to be done regularly like the bathrooms/floors/etc.

If you can afford it, why not hire someone to come and clean every so often? I have someone come once every 3 weeks. It really helps keep the house clean. They do all the major cleaning and then I just do a little bit of cleaning myself in between the cleanings. It may really help you out!!

Wow- I am surprised you didn't bite his head off. My first recommendation for you is to check out and sign up for FLYlady.net. They help get your house hold chores done in routine and painless way.

Secondly, hold a family council and explain that you can't do it all and write up chore lists for everybody. At my house if I cook dinner then Daddy is in charge of the dishes. And our oldest cleans the table, another empties and stacks the dishwasher. IT may not seem like much- and at first it will be much more work to get them all to do it then it would be to just do it yourself- but when it becomes routine the fighting stops and all you have to do is go in and shine the sink.

Good luck- I think every modern woman feels your pain.

You and your husband need to share household duties. Due to your crazy schedule at home and at work it is vital to your sanity and your marriage that you each participate in cleaning the house, etc. If your husband truly understood how crazy your schedule is he wouldn't have said such an insensitive comment. I do a lot of the cleaning at my house however my husband knows that he has responsibilities as well and he knows better than to add to the mess or make comments on my cleaning habits. My husband does trash, cleans up after himself, helps with diaper changes, getting daughter ready for daycare, and helps with home maintenance items like mowing, plumbing repairs, etc. At times, my house is a mess but ultimately my family, my sanity and my job is more important. Sit down with your husband and have a calm discussion about how you feel and how he can help. My husband isn't too good at laundry, cleaning bathrooms, cooking, dishes so I just expect him to put dirty clothes in laundry basket, take out trash, put dirty dishes in sink, put his items away, etc. It's not much but it helps and every little bit makes a difference in my sanity. Good luck.

S.