I Need Advice on How to Get My Husband to Help

I had similar issues with my husband. At first I would get upset because he wasn't helping and felt he should know what needed to be done. We had lots of arguments over this but I finally realized that he doesn't walk into a room and see what I see. So after many calm conversations, he started to pitch in more. He has certain things that are "his jobs" but I still have to ask him to do other things or it won't get done. The trick is to be specific and praise him for anything and everything he does. You can't say "will you help me clean the house today". That's too broad. You have to say "will you vacuum this room, can you fold this basket of clothes. etc." It's like I have another child sometimes but it works.

I had the same problem recently, My husband asked why I was never interested in him anymore. I simply told him, I would be if he helped me out with house work more & taking care of the kids. If he didn't change something, then we were going to be changing something between us. What I mean by that is I would be leaving for a while. I saw no point in him staying there if I was already doing everything by myself, so I might as well live by myself.
I believe he got the hint because things have changed a lot. You might try something to that affect.

I would find a girls day out and go for a long day. Leaving the child with him and not mostly a nap time. Find a friend you just need to get away and go. He needs to understand what a day with him is like. Maybe even over night to parents. Years ago my friend's hubby complained she was spending too much on groceries. So she sent him. He got all sorts of extras they never get like popsicles and stuff. He also found out what groceries cost. G. W

bless your heart. We went through kind of the same thing until I got sick and ended up going to the hospital, I'm sure from pure exhaustion. Sadly, I brought it on myself by not asking for help. Thought I could do it all; work, take care of the baby and home and everything else. You seriously need to sit down with him and ask for help before you end up at the ER, sister! Now, my husband gladly shares in the responsibilities. He starts laundry before he leaves for work in the mornings, takes out the trash, he has bill paying duty. In the evenings, he takes the baby when he gets home, they play, we have dinner. He gets her ready for bedtime and they have bonding time by reading books or watching some cartoons. My husband has told me on numerous occassions that he's glad he has this time with the little one. They have become much closer. We've also hired a house cleaner to come in every two weeks to kind of keep us in check with the house. I know this sounds expensive, but it truly saves my sanity and his. We've also started getting dinners from super suppers, saves tons of time with the cooking and easy clean-up. Hope this helps. We too were blessed with our first baby at 40+!

You are probably right that he's just oblivious, not truly trying to skip out. I know my hubby always tells me to be direct. Don't expect him to see that it's time for the baby's bath, and don't expect him to pick up on "ok, honey, after I clean the kitchen I'll give you a bath..." and think he'll say "oh, I'll give the bath." You may just have to say to DH, "Honey, can you give the baby a bath while I clean the kitchen?" Or you can give a choice "do you want to clean the kitchen or give the baby a bath?" You can also tell him that you would have more time for him if he helped a bit, but then be specific on what he can help with. Finally, if you work and he works, maybe you should consider getting a maid for this time in your life. Even if it's just every other week, the extra help can do wonders for your since of accomplishment at home!

I agree with many of the strategies suggested by the other moms except for the one who said you needed to quit your job. I DID quit my job when I had my now 8 year old son, and I work part-time now (I have another son now who is 19 months). It is not fair to push that particular antiquated lifestyle view on someone else when they do not know your particular situation.

Since you are older parents it is hard for everyone to make this adjustment to your pre-established lifestyle. And you could go on strike, but if you're like me you can't exist in a messy, dirty home, plus it is not safe for your son who is probably crawling and will be walking soon. I would honestly get a housekeeper to come once a week--she'll clean the bathrooms, kitchen, dust, mop, etc. I know it is an expense but with both of you working it is probably doable. I did this while I was in graduate school and teaching (before baby 2) and I would have given up just about anything, including cable or my cell phone, to have the cleaning lady come. Having the housekeeper also forces everyone to pick up their stuff since she can't clean when you have stuff everywhere.

Like others have said, you also just need to plain leave sometimes and let him run the show. Go exercise on Saturday morning for a couple of hours. Introduce him to these things one step at a time. My husband has always bathed the kids after dinner and he loves it. I can clean up after dinner while he does this without worrying about the kids. Give him a choice--bathe the baby and get him ready for bed OR clean the kitchen. You can fold clean laundry together in front of the TV after the baby is down.

Sorry this is so long. Good luck, and know you're not the only one out there in this situation.

My husband and I were married for 7 years before finally having a baby, and I went through the same thing. I finally hired the housework and yardwork done, which was hard for me because I was raised in a do-it-yourself family. It seemed so expensive to me at the time, but it was so well worth it. I could spend my time off reading to and playing with my baby instead of doing all the chores. They are only babies for such a short time.
The problem with husbands like this is that they view the house and chores as yours and not ours. It's like they are doing you a favor when they do a little work instead of viewing it like it's part of the job of being a father and homeowner. Best of luck.

quitting work isn't the answer. (and dr. laura doesn't have the answers, so ignore her outdated books.) what you need is good honest communication. tell him what needs to be done and that you can't do it all. if he balks, then just tell him that you will do what you are able to do and other things may not get done. trust me after a few days of him having to pitch in on certain tasks, he'll get the hint. it is a constant communication flow though. don't think for one minute that you don't need to say thank you for basic stuff (you want him to do the same, right?) or gently remind him that the dishwasher needs loading before bedtime if you are going to be able to hang out minus kids. and never underestimate the investment of a monthly maid service! even in these times, it will save your sanity.

as for being domestically inclined just because i am a woman, i hate doing housework, despise laundry and would rather mow the yard any day. yeah that theory doesn't hold water! LMAO

If you sit down and talk with your husband, then he can't be oblivious because you've just told him. Take a stand and assign him jobs if you have to. If you're a working mom, then the household and child duties should be shared. If I were you, I wouldn't stop caring for my son, clearly, but I would stop cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry. (Not at the expense of your child of course.) See if your husband notices all the things that don't get done. When he doesn't have dinner, or clean underwear, maybe he'll come around?

When you can find 10 minutes of free time, make a list of ALL the family and household items that require time and energy to complete, i.e., laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, baby bathing, grass cutting, etc. When you have some time to sit with your husband and talk quietly about it, not begging, but on an adult level, divide the list. Once divided, do not do anything toward the items that are his responsibility. Eventually, when those items are not completed, he will catch on. No matter how long it takes, do not do his part of the chores.

D., been there, done that, but their is a solution. I was in the same situation asking/complaining/getting frustrated - you name it. That didn't work.

So one day I decided to not harp or anything I just plainly said "you need to bathe and put our daughter to bed 2 nights a week - you choose the nights and weekends are NOT an option - we share those". He was completely shocked at the way I approached him (matter of fact and not asking), but that was the turning point!

Yes it took a few reminders on "his" nights but once we had the days set, he stepped up. I think this makes them feel somewhat in control and it grew their relationship too.

Don't quit your job unless you really want to. The husband needs to pitch in. This is the 21st century. Both work, both pitch in. It's hard because spouses are operating on assumed roles of how men and women should behave. One easy first step: He's in charge of nightly baths from now on. It gives you a few minutes to relax/ get the diaper and pjs ready. While you read him books, hubby loads dishwasher. I used to do it all too, but it's not fair to either of you. I like the hiring a cleaning person idea, too, if you can afford it. Best of luck!

Hi D.!
Would I be correct in assuming you have been married for quite a few years now before your son was born? And I'm going to further assume you have handled all the housework as well as working FT outside the home without much complaint all this time? (Please let me know if I'm wrong in these assumptions).

Baby care is something that most new husbands aren't comfortable with (certainly not "older" new dads) and many were raised with fathers who were considered fabulous if they just played with the kids and nothing else. I do NOT think this excuses his lack of involvement, I'm just trying to set the stage for my suggestions.

Honestly, I think you can talk until your face turns blue and he won't do what you need him to do. This is not because he doesn't love you, but he doesn't see what needs to be done. Men are far simpler creatures than we are - just ask them!

Here are my suggestions:
1. Hire a housekeeper/maid service to come in and do the cleaning.
2. Try "assuming" he'll help and making statements such as "Would you rather give DS a bath or clean up the dishes?" - Make these negotiating queries right as the two options are going to need to be done or shortly before then. "Honey, if you'll fold this laundry, I can get DS changed" or something similar might work great too.
3. If you think he really would do what you need him to if he knew what that was, then propose making a "weekly chores chart" for the two of you. Make this a joint adventure. It will be interesting to let him go first and see what he thinks needs to be done! Be sure anything he usually DOES do around the house, no matter how miniscule in the big picture, gets its due on the chores chart too! (Trash/recycling, mowing lawn, dishes, laundry, shopping, vacuuming, cooking, etc). Don't be surprised if your standards of cleanliness or what you feel MUST be done are more stringent than he thinks. If so, I highly recommend you consider compromising those standards a bit for the sake of your mental health.
4. Arrange a night out for yourself each week where he is forced to handle all the baby stuff. Do this for your sanity and also for the sake of his learning.
5. Regardless of what else you do, I really think you need to sit him down and tell him how little sleep you are getting and how you are run down and know you can't be great to live with in this state - whatever - tell him the scoop. You realize there are new responsibilities for you both & frankly you are overwhelmed and cannot continue like this. He may have no idea how tired you are or how little sleep you're getting! Ask HIM for suggestions on remedying the situation.

Feel free to be in touch with me directly if you wish - if I get a message from you, I'll be happy to share my email address. I'm 41 and have a preschooler & would love a 2nd baby. We have undergone many changes around here since DD was born...

#1, recognize you don't need to do everything. It might be worth hiring a maid every 2 weeks to help you. What we did in my home was switch days to take care of our little girl. What that means is whoever's day it was, was the one who took care of our little girl. Diaper change, setting plate and feeding, and getting her to bed. The other was around yet 'had the night off' from those duties. Try that with him. It benefits him too since then he knows days when he's responsible. Another thing that's helped me (I got from another) is provide your husband a list of things you want him to do for the week. Never put too many on the list, but having a list and talking it through ensures he knows where he's needed and what he must do. You also know that likely you won't need to handle those things. I'd put trash takeout, vaccuum and fix X since that's always happening.

Good luck! Also, remember that likely more moms than less have the same thing going on too... they just haven't told you or they've worked through it.

I agree with hiring a maid service if you can afford it. To get my husband to help, I had to assign him tasks. I had to tell him what time things needed to be done by to keep our children on schedule. My hubby told me he doesn't do well unless he knows what has to be done and when. Some men are just like that.

I don't mean to sound old fashioned, but the roles in the family have gotten so mixed up that people don't know exactly what is expected of them anymore. Men expect women to help "bring home the bacon" and expect them to "cook it up" as well. What he needs to realize is that if you are going to help with "the man's role" in the family, then he needs to help with "the woman's role" and start helping around the house. It is too much to ask for you to do it all. If that isn't acceptable to him then maybe you need to think of cutting back at work to part time or not at all. Otherwise you are going to run yourself ragged and then the other parts of your marriage will start to suffer as well. It is a hard point to get across, but it is well worth it. My husband and I went through this discussion luckily before we had children, it took him a while to understand, but he gets it now. I work part time and he works full time, I do most of the house work and child rearing and he gets to relax when he comes home from work and spend time with our daughter. On his days off we pick one job that needs to be done around the house, we both work on it, then we have time to go bike riding or out shopping or whatever we would like to do as a family. You guys just need to sit down and talk honestly and be straight forward about how you feel. If you are going to help with the responsibilities outside of the home, then he needs to help with the responsibilities inside of the home, (which is more that just bonding with his son). Being a mom is more than a full time job, if you are doing all of it and working a full time job, you are working the equivilent of 3 full time jobs. That is alot for one person to take on, when there is another perfectly capable person who could take some of it on for you.

It's a hard life if your husband is lazy and yes, it's pure laziness. My sister's husband never helped her but he fixed, built, and engineered everything so they balanced out. (He built their house from scratch). Does he do other stuff?

A marriage where the hubby helps is a better marriage. If you are worn out, how pleasing can you be?

Try this, does he need his laundry done? Take him to the laundry room and very kindly show him the system, as you would a child (with a respectful tone of course). Let him know you are tired and he will need to start doing his own laundry. That would be a big help and you are very appreciative of him pitching in. Then let him. Don't break from this.

When he is out of underwear he will start to either be dirty and embarrassed or pick up after himself. Does this work? My husband does his own laundry now for five of the eight years we have been married. They won't do it if you will - ask him and he will tell you the same.

As for the house cleaning, why fight? Affordable house cleaners are here all the time. Mommasource moms may be able to refer you to a trusted source.

As for the meals, try cooking two-three meals a night - like cooking hamburger - cook enough to add to two meals for other days to add to a pasta, or hamburger steaks to add with potatoes or rice. You can cook three pastas in one night too. Fix salad one a week and put in containers allocating each day you would eat it. There you go - you get two-three nights off cooking heavy.

As for the baby, men are so weird. They don't all have that natural instinct to parent especially if he is older. This will get easier as your child gets older and gets more interesting.

Don't give up and no, you don't have to do it all and if all else fails, tell him you are quitting your job because your non-paying job has become overwhelming and needs more attention. Maybe that might bring you all to discuss other things. :)

Instead of asking him to "help", you may want to try asking him to do specific tasks. He may never be able to look around and see everything that needs to be done like we do. Once he agrees to help you out with emptying the dryer, loading the dishwasher or bathing your son, let him do it. Don't stand over him and give instructions. As I've been told, they don't particularly like that! Just let him do it his way, and be grateful for the help!

www.flylady.net---several essays there about how to get hubbies involved

Also just read a book, "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands"by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. This book really opened my eyes to what is important to my hubby. Once I saw his perspective, his willingness to help me really changed. I really recommend this book.

Go on a weekend retreat and leave your son with your husband. Most churches have women's retreats about once a year. Yes, you will worry, but they both will be okay. This way he can get a better idea of what you deal with every day. It won't even be as hard as it is during the week. Hopefully he will get the picture. Leave him a list of the things that need to be done. Good luck.

Hello D.,

This is what we deal with, home management and getting the whole family on board. My company is named Get Organized! and I have out standing service from moms on this network. I would be happy to sit down with you and your husband to talk.

It many times comes out better... coming from someone on the outside.

Please visit my site for more information.

L. B.
www.GetOrganized.ws

You can also hear my interview on the North Texas Kids Radio Show from about 2 weeks ago.

http://northtexaskids.podbean.com/wp-content/plugins/podp...

Try going 'on strike' for a few days--no laundry, no dishes, no meal prep except for the baby. Just like the garbage collectors in NYC going on strike--it won't take long for him to get the message. It worked for me for long stretches of time. Repeat as needed.

Here's what I would do. Spend some time by yourself thinking about what specifically you'd like to ask him to help with. Write them down and make sure they are realistic and specific. For example you could say "give baby a bath M-W-F after dinner and before bed" not "keep baby clean".

Then, find a time when the baby is asleep and you're both in a good mood. Start by telling your husband how much you appreciate him playing and bonding with your son, and how much that means to you and him. Then let him know that you have spent some time thinking about the best way to get everything done - that you are feeling overwhelmed and you would like to ask his help. Show him what you've written, and say something like this: "Honey, I spent some time thinking about some things I think you could really help me with. Do you think you would be able to take over these jobs in the evening? It would really help me feel ____ (fill in the blank with all the good feelings you woudl have if he helped you by doing these things.).

THen listen to him. If he says no, it's not feasible, try to see things from his perspective. Then ask him if he can help you make a plan where these things still get done (your needs get met) but in a way that is agreeable to him. Can you hire someone? Can he do another job around the house to free you up to take on some of the jobs that you have asked him to do? Do you two need to lower your standards for housework until your baby is a little older? Etc.

Hope this helps!

First of all DO NOT NAG HIM. Before you had your child did you do all of the household chores? If you did you avoided the problem for too long. At this point in time he probably does not realize you need help or what to do to help him. My husband has always been happy to help but has to be asked. He has no idea that the carpets need to be vacumned each day but if I say could you sweep for me he does. He could not tell you how often I do any of the chores but pitches in if asked. Be specific in your requests because this sounds like foreign territory to him.Ex. the glass cleaner is under the sink and the paper towels are under the counter will you please clean the mirror in the hall bathroom.

I think the advice for you to quit working is really unrealistic. If you are like most of us out here, it takes 2 incomes.

I say stop doing all those wonderful things he takes for granted. WHy wear yourself out going to work and coming home to work? It isn't fair that he gets to sit on his rump while your working yourself to death. WHen he asks why tell him there is too much and your too tired to do it all anymore so it's going to have to wait.

Get a handle on him and everyone now.... My family wont do anything unless I start yelling at them... husband included...he says he didnt make the mess and he should not have to clean it.(yea right buddy, your spahgetti bowl dirtied itself).. so the kids say well dad wont clean so why should we... so i have stopped everything... the house is gross most the time and i have stopped cooking. It took years for me to get to that point. They complain because I wont cook for them and I tell them its because no one helps me and I refuse to get only a few hours sleep every day because they want to be lazy and have momma do it all.

The only thing my husband did was mow the lawn during the spring and summer. He was suppose to take the trash can out on Sunday night but usually forgot it. I reminded him once and he yelled to stop nagging him. Me-I worked 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, took care of our two children and all the housework, cooking, laundry, etc. There were a lot of things he needed to do around the house so I made up a list with my name on the top and stuck it on the refrigerator. He saw the list on Saturday and asked what it was. I told him that it was things that I planned on getting done that weekend. He took "my" list off the refrigerator and completed the items one at a time. I complained to him that he had just done all the things that I had planned on doing! : ) This continued to be successful each and every time. Proved to me that we women are smarter!

My suggestion that will help your situation is for you to quit working outside the home so that you can stay home to take care of your son and the housework while your husband works and provides for the family. Men are not really domestically inclined and that is why he is not feeding/changing the baby and cleaning the house. Women are domestically inclined and that is why you are doing it and not him. The balance is off here because you are trying to work outside the home, therfore, not having the time and energy to properly care for your child and the home without being overly stressed. I think that everything would be much more peasant at your home if you quit working and focused on taking care of the home and the baby, and letting your husband work, provide for the family and not requesting him to do the domestic duties. This can be easily accomplished by sitting down and deciding what extras and frivelous things that you can stop spending money on. You may need to downsize some things. Eliminate some of your unneccessary spending, clip coupons, find hand me downs for your child to wear, etc. It is all very simple if you will just try it. Besides, your son would be so much better off if he had his mommy at home with him to take care of him, kiss his boo boos, see his first steps, play with him, cuddle with him, teach him, etc. It would be best for all of you if you would cut back, stay at home and raise your child. You can take care of the baby and the home and your husband can go slay the dragons for you in the world of work. It will really restore the balance of responsibilities in the home, making everyone happier! Go pick up, "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and read it. It will really give you the motivation that you need to quit your job and decide that staying home is the best option for the 3 of you!

Sounds like my husband used to be! He would walk right by a pile of dirty laundry and walk empty handed by the laundry room. They just don't think of these things the way we do. And they get easily distracted.

I made a list of all the things that needed to get done- daily or weekly, and sat down with him and didn't give him a choice in helping- but gave him the choice of TASKS until they were more evenly distributed. Then each day he has his "list" to do to help me. It's sound childish to do that but- it has relieved a lot of frustration from our marriage as he knows what I "Need" done (they like to be needed!) and has a sense of accomplishment when his "list" is completed.

Funny story- my mother came to town and when I wasn't in the area make a not-nice sarcastic remark about the "list" her daughter made for him each day.... My husband looked at her and said he liked the list, because he knew what he needed to do and wouldn't forget something that was important to me! Yeah!

Good Luck!

As a working mom myself, I understand that your husband needs to pitch in where he can to ensure that you both are helping to run the household. It will make you a better mom and wife. I am lucky because my husband's philosphy is that if we are both working then we both need to help with the domestic duties. It would not be fair for me to do them while he sits and watches t.v. since we both work. However, this has been his philosphy since we were dating; he has always done the laundry and other chores without my asking. He just knows these things need to be done. However, I do the majority of stuff for the kids - baths, feeding, etc. I think it is because he feels more confident doing the other things - which is fine.

Now your situation is a bit different because you cannot change someone. However, you can have a heart-to-heart with him to explain how you are feeling. I think he doesn't see domestic work as a priority, I am sure. Or he would probably pitch in and do some things. Maybe you could ask him to pitch in with maybe 2 or 3 things of his choice - something that he would feel confident doing. Also, the biggest thing here is not to critize the way he does something. Almost, like a child - provide encouragement and reward :) That will keep him doing more so that he doesn't get discouraged. Does he mow the lawn or do outside work? My dad was this way - he would spend his weekends doing all of this outside work while my mom handled all of the domestic stuff.

D.,

I guess I'm really surprised by the responses you've gotten so far with stop working. I, myself, work outside the home, have a 3 year old son and currently 29 weeks pregnant. I'm a chiropractor with my own practice, so it does take some juggling, but definitely not impossible if you have the help at home. You waited a long time to have your bundle of joy, so I'm sure that for the majority of your adult life you've defined yourself as a working women. Husband's are capable of doing housework, they just need direction if they weren't taught by their parents to take care of a home. I was lucky to get a husband that was taught, but he still needs some direction once in a while. Pleading and nagging does no good, so we just sat down, made out a list of household duties and we got a plan together. It's solution oriented, what men want and it's in writing so they have a guide to go by. If that doesn't work, get a cleaning service in once per week. If he won't help, then find someone who will, simple as that. Don't give up a career that you love, it's part of who you are. I stayed home for 8 months when my son was born and although I loved and cherished our time together being a SAHM just didn't make my life complete. Although I have the advantage of bringing my baby to work with me and a fantastic mother-in-law to help as well, I really needed to nurture myself as well to be a better wife and mom. God Bless and Good luck!

D.,
I have not read the numerous requests so I apologize if this is redundant. I have tried the "don't do everything" and men don't really work this way. Maybe taking a night away with girlfriends and he will see it naturally, but I would not manipulate the relationship. Men need DIRECT SPECIFIC communication. My husband asked me "what does me supporting you mean?" At the time, I did not really know. It changed from moment to moment because I was overloaded and just scrambling for help. I had to sit down, really evaluate what would be helpful on a consistent basis. Then we talked (in specifics) and he understood.

Set up a time to talk, maybe get a sitter and go to dinner. Express that this will have to change and you need his help in determining how that happens. He may step up, or he may pay for supports. If he is not responsive, your marriage will not be 'great' for long. Your needs should be the forefront for your husband and if he is not willing to help come up with a solution that is good for YOU....your marriage may not be as great as perceived. I would not waste time and would be going to counseling if a resolution is not met soon, because your marriage is worth it.Ironing out any expectations that have not been discussed openly is a benefit of counseling. I would have some statistics ready for him if he is a numbers guy (mine is). I had quotes on a housecleaning service twice a month, lawn service (that was falling on me last summer due to his work demands and I couldn't keep up), etc. I presented this info as well. He felt it was worth a housecleaning service and lawn care service so now I have that to help out. The day to day is still here, but not having to worry about the 'cleaning' part is a huge relief; not focusing on what I DID NOT get to each day.

For some reason, my husband does less and less around the house as he gets older. The things that have helped is:
1. Give him a heads up I am getting overwhelmed and need some help in getting caught up instead of hitting him as he enters the door. I will either tell him mid day that I need help as soon as he is home if it is something that can't wait or ask him if we could chip out some time on a Saturday. (warnings help him wrap his head around the fact he is about to have to help in some way)
2. Schedule a 'catch up day'(usually Saturday here) where he has the baby and you can focus on just the housework for a set amount of time. Don't look for perfection....for goodness sakes you have a baby....but usually I can knock out a lot without interruptions in 1-2 hours.
3. A timer works when my hubby does help. We set the kitchen timer for either 15, or 30 minutes (I loose him after 30 minutes usually) and we both hit the floor running (make a list of top priority things to be done first). It is amazing how fast we get things back in order. He does not feel trapped due to the timer and I get some quick help.

I am a Christian and I had to start praying that God would open his eyes and heart to being sensitive to my needs and the needs of our home. I do look at my work here as ministering to my family and doing it to honor God...this has reduced my complaining for sure....this perspective check has changed my heart as well. Depsite this, help is still needed and that is okay.

It is tough being mom and part provider...I honestly don't feel God intended for moms to wear so many hats. But we do and we have to take care of ourselves when no one else will. Don't compromise on that...I was in such a mental torment for a while before I learned how to better express the urgency of my needs to my husband. The stress and strain will tear you down. Things get easier with a lil' one but working full time and running a home is insane and I pray that you and your hubby can get a plan that works for both of you.

UPDATE: I also wanted to share that we alternate days we put our girls to bed. This helps because when he puts them to bed I put on the iPod and go for a walk around the neighborhood or whatever. He used to do the dishes the nights I put the girls down, but not so much anymore. Now, I do the dishes before the girls go down every night (so dinner and dishes are more hurried) and this helps me feel like I can relax a little once they are down. The girls love him putting them down and YES he bathes them if it falls on his night. Of course if he is overloaded sometimes we both do the routine, but it really opens up the evening for each of us to get some personal time while the other tuck the girls in.

Wow, you got a lot of responses. I did not read them all. I had to sit my husband down and have a open, honest conversation with him. The fact of the matter was he didn't necessarily see or know all that needed to be done. Once we had a frank, heart-to-heart talk and he understood my issues, he started pulling his weight. That has been about 3 1/2 - 4 years ago and he still shares the work. Don't assume he can read your mind or even see the things that need to be done. Talk to him rationally (don't threaten him)--communication is the key!

Very specifically ask your husband to do a certain task. I have learned that just asking my husband to help out doesn't work b/c he just doesn't "see" what needs to be done. If I am very specific, however, and say, "Honey, I need you to wash the dishes while I give Sarah a bath," then he's much more likely to do the job. Keep in mind--he will not do it the way that you do it, but don't correct him. Just let him get the job done his way, and then thank him for his help afterwards. Remember: WHAT YOU PRAISE IS WHAT YOU RAISE. Also, now that it's warm out, figure out as many meals as you can that involve your husband grilling. He will feel manly out on the grill, and you won't have to cook or do as many dishes.

Ok, I am a older mom and a new mom, 17 yr, 14 yr and a 1 week old. And if doesn't want to help, then quit one of your jobs! The domestic's or the other one! Get his attention! Stop doing everything, when he has no underwear to wear maybe he will think you are serious! The more you do, the more they want you to do! Good luck!

Hello D.,

There are a couple of solutions. The first and the best one I would say is that you quit working outside the home so that you can take care of son and home while husband takes care of financial stuff. This can be done through budgeting and downsizing. also it would be a wonderful gift to your son that you instead of day care or nanny would raise him, watch him take first steps etc.
It is just too difficult to juggle work outside of home and home at the same time.
Second suggestion would be to show your husband that some kind of joint effort is needed. Stop doing house work. take care of the kid when you get home. leave the dishes and the vacuuming. just let everything accumilate. When he sees the roaches or cannot find a clean glass or shirt, then he might just lift the finger. He might also just lift his wallet and order a maid. Hopefully after this, he would try to help. By the way when the baby needs a diaper change, just hand him over to daddy. when it is bath time, hand him over to daddy.

I hope one of these would work for you.

Simply stop doing everything. Do what you need to get by but no more. Don't make dinner. Have a sandwich. Only do yours and your sons laundry, don't do the dishes, etc. I will be hard for you and your house will look terrible but he will eventually he'll notice that things aren't as nice and tidy/ ready for him to eat/ wear etc. If he asks what's for dinner say "there is some pasta in the pantry, sandwich makings in the fridge, etc. Help yourself" I know it sounds passive aggressive but I truly believe that many husbands need to be SHOWN how much is done around the house by the wives not just TOLD because the words don't mean anything and can be tuned out. After you have his attention (which may take living in a messy house longer than you are comfortable with!) type up a list of everything you do on a daily basis and post it somewhere in the kitchen and then say "what 3 things do you think you could take responsibility for each day? I simply CAN'T do everything anymore." and see where it goes....Good Luck!!

Whether you work outside the home or don't work at all it is reasonable to ask for help. And if you don't work on it now the problem will only get worse. I'd suggest to stop being so efficient! Leave spite and anger out of it. Sit down with him and make a list of chores. Divy them up. Be sure he gets chores that will affect him. Grocery shopping, preparing meals, laundry. If he doesn't do them let the consequences be his. For example you may want to do your own laundry and the baby's, but make him responsible for his clothes. That way if he doesn't do it - it will be his problem. Don't control his chores and don't criticize the way he chooses to accomplish them......just be happy it is off your plate. If this doesn't work hire help and let him be the one to write the check.
Best of Luck D.. This may be an ongoing battle....do your best to keep it a friendly fight and do your best to let go of any desire for him to do these chores to your specifications.

I am in the same boat b/c my husband has to work full-time with a lot of travel, in addition to leading a congregation. I have to take care of my son, house, ministry duties (which includes limited office hours, maintaining a website, planning and prepping the children's ministry, contacting people, etc.) My son is not quite 2 and goes about 90 miles a minute all day long. He is WILD! Also, we have no grandparents in the area to help out. However, there are several things that help me, personally, to cope. I make it easy for him to take a nap every day at the same time for a couple of hours. We have a predictable night-time routine which culminates in his going to sleep around 6:45--woo-hoo!During the weeks we have several predictable activities. One of the things we both love is playgroup activities. I get adult conversation; he enjoys playing and participating in the activities. I host an accountability/prayer group 1/week. I get out at least 1X/month without the little guy. I also have a housekeeper who (is very inexpensive) comes in every other week. Maybe you could ask your husband if he could do a specific set or even 1 chore every Thursday (specify the day). I know when my husband watches my son only (even with no chores) he very quickly gets the picture of how much work I do. I know first-hand that it is difficult. But, hang in there. This is a precious and fleeting time. Allow yourself to take the time to enjoy it, even if it means something isn't done 1 day!