Trying to Get Clear About Boundaries with Teen and Preteen Girls

Dear A.,

Don’t feel hypocritical because you don’t let your children color their hair purple, green, red or blue or perhaps do some things you might regret you did when you were growing up. Some of us learn from passed mistakes and can gently pass this on to our own children.

At their age the hair color is probably beautiful. Let them get a good style (hair cut), no Mohawks, or one side shaved styles….if one could call that a style. They can have a short or long or in between look without looking like a freak.

One hole in each ear is fine for now. If they want their eye brows, lips, boobs, navels or tongues pierced, let them wait until they are 18 then they are free to do so. By that time they may have developed some permanent values and you will know in your heart, even though they don’t like it for the moment, you've done the right thing. They will probably thank you for saving them from themselves.

A young girl can dress nicely without showing everything they’ve got and drawing too much attention and perhaps attention that could be a danger.

Same for boys, but that’s a whole other story.

PS...ABSOLUTELY NO TATTOOS!

Blessings.....

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I told my daughter that she was free to do whatever she wanted with her hair color when she turned 18... and that was that!

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13 is ok so long as you and your hubby agree. My rule is that you ant have any holes that God didn't give you until you are out of my house. In my experience if she is wanting a second she will want more like lip, eyebrow etc. I just don't want my daughter looking like she was attacked by a nail gun. Trust me it wkill never be enough.

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A.,
It seems this is when the girls start up with all of these things. My daughters friend has been coloring her hair for years since then (going on 5yrs now) She has never been able to stop torturing her poor hair since then. Both my daughters have their ears double pierced. One is 19, the other is 16. They both got them done in the 8th grade. If they wanted anything more than that they have to pay for it themselves. Most schools up here in sacramento do not allow unnatural hair color. They also need to remember they have to be willing to take out any piercings they have for work. So long as the look neat, clean and respectable I don't see a problem. But of course attitude has a lot to do with it also. Would DH agree to it if they somehow earned it?
W. M.

Dear A.,
I'm not the mom of a teen, but I am a family therapist specializing in teens and their families, and I think the most crucial issue is that your husband and you are on the same page. Teens are stressful, the economy right now is stressful, couples need to pull together as much as they can. Talk to your husband about why he objects, explain why you feel hypocritical, and see if you two can come to an agreement, then approach your daughters about it.
Good luck!

I have a 13, nearly 14 year old daughter, so I understand what the dilemma is. Of course, they have every right to express their personality through their appearance...but, and there is a big but. Once they start coloring hair pemanently, it is damaging it, especially in this climate. I've drawn the line at my daughter messing about with her hair in this way, as the sun and constant exposure to the chemicals in our swimming pool has already made it dry and knotty. It's very long and it looks like we are going to have more than 5 inches off soon because of her lifestyle. I like to think that the Northern California look is more natural beauty (but I come from the UK, so that might be a bit of a generalization...).
She already wears a ton of makeup to school each day - and never goes out without lashings of eyeliner, mascara, lipgloss - not to mention the super skimpy tiny shorts every single teen is wearing! Sometimes I have to stop myself sounding uptight over her clothing choices, but she is now at High School and everyone else is wearing the same kind of thing.

I just think there are many more ways to express yourself than adding more piercings and using permanent hair dye...think accessories, shoes, purses and jackets. Why not go shopping and have a girlie day? Maybe a manicure with a wacky bright color and an accessory day in Claire's would delay the hair color issue? It's certainly worked for my daughter and I.

I know it's throwing material goodies at the problem, but hey, isn't that what being a young girl is all about? I'm preparing myself for the backlash now...LOL.

Wow! Apparently, according to the responses already, my mom was way strict! I got my second hole at 16. That was the rule. I was able to dye my hair earlier than that, but it was only with the temporary 6 week dyes and it couldn't be super dark. I already had light brown hair, so the blond wouldn't work with the temporary dyes. Temporary was also the way to go because if it didn't look good, it would come out. I agree with the good grades part - if my grades went below Bs, I lost alot of privileges. Good luck!

I permitted my daughter to color her hair, but made her wait until 13. Depending on what type of coloring she's requesting as well. If they want black and want go to "goth" then forget it. It really just matters what color they have currently, and what color they wanted to go. My daughter is blonde, she wanted the darker brown color under, the style many of the girls her age have. Highllighting, low lighting is all okay, subtle but not dramatic in my opinion.

As for ear piercings....as long as the 2nd piercing is ONLY tiny studs, then would I be okay with this. Again, depends on what they want to wear in that 2nd piercing.

NOW, both of the above we only permit if she is on principals honor roll...that's the incentive. Good grades have their rewards.

I say pick your battles, because those are very small battles you will be facing as they approach high school and , boys, etc....

As for tatoos, navel & nose piercings (many teens have these), all wait until 18 years of age when she can make her own choices...

Good luck!

I don't recall ever seeing (then or now) any 11 year old girls with colored hair and extra piercings, except for a couple of "bad girls" (one of them was having sex at 12, and was pretty messed up--I knew her)...these sorts of decorations are not even allowed in many schools.
I have an 11 year old boy who is still very much a child, and I can't imagine girls in his class doing those things.

I like the manicure idea, from another mom, as a way of getting attention (most "self-expression" is really just different ways of getting attention). But, beware: I knew a 3rd grade girl who got stick-on nails and was SO proud and thinking she was glamorous, until she lost some of them in class and couldn't find them---they were stuck in her long blond hair! She was so embarrassed.

Well, I got my second set of earrings and a perm when I was 12. I think the key is whether their overall appearance is too grown up or not.

First of all I would sit down with your husband and discuss the rules and come to an agreement and then be a united front, you can't say I would've let you but he didn't want you too. It is ok to have different rules for you kids than what you had as a kid you are a different set of parents. I do believe that is awful young to start doing permanent things because they don't understand permanent and if they start with a 2nd hole other holes will follow. I like the idea of having good grades and only using temporary hair dye because they can express themselves and it only last a short time then they can do something else which can be fun.
C.

This is just my personal opinion. I think it is not a good idea to color hair, especially at such a young age. I have not let my daughter. (She's 16). It is not good for them and studies have shown that the chemicals can damage their hair and body. Especially, if your husband is not in agreement. You don't have to feel hypocritical. You are the parent and can set those boundaries if you feel they are appropiate.
Good luck!

You and hubby definetly need to decide on some rules and stick with them, or agree to change if necessary. That is first and formost for your marriage. Be strong with the kids, tell them you are responsible for them until they are 18 that's the law, and because you are the grown up. Let them know you don't want them to make mistakes they can't take back. Good grades are a good reward, but know matter what too many wholes are not needed in your face. Tats are not allowed until 18, other someone is braking the law.I am not agaist them, as I have 3 myself and don't regret them, but I also didn't get them until after 30. In my opinion wild colors are just for extra attention, as is too much make up. Hair color, make up, and clothing are suppose to make us girls more attractive. All else to me would be for attention and shock treatment for those they think it will freak out. Stick to you rules, don't feel bad about it. Be the parents first not friend. They will love you for it. Plus if there is pressure, all they have to say is my parents won't allow it. Good Luck and God's Blessings, N.

I may be too old fashioned, and probably am, but I personally think that at their ages you should do what you can to get them to hold off. My "magic" age would be sixteen - or for some things, 18. It would depend on how permanent the item would be that would determine what I'd let them do. If it's something they can experiment with and a month or so later change their minds, it isn't so bad. Thing that take more to get rid of... definitely hold your ground.
I love what my daughter tells her girls (ages six and 4). She says "in our house we......" whatever. No matter what they see other children getting to do, those other children don't live in their house, and aren't under their rules and expectations. The girls don't always like the decisions, but they are getting the message that their family is somehow special and are proud to be part of that family.
Don't let the fact that you did things at this age deter you from holding your girls to a standard you think is best. Instead of feeling hypocritical, use your experience to tell them you tried it and found out by experience that it isn't a good thing for them to do.

Hi A.-
I can only say that I am a product of hair color and piercings. The one comment I will say is that with or without my mother's permission, I dyed my hair beginning at 16 years old. Tis better to have mom in the loop. Now, dye is not necessarily good for your hair and body. That being said, there are some rules I think you can fairly apply to your daughters so that both of you get what you want. The first is this: YOU MUST BE WITH THEM when they pick their color. Second, take them to a natural store like Lassens, Henry's, etc., and pick an organic and chemical free hair color that will last. Third, they need to know about care and maintenance. They must take care of their new do's or the dye is gone. 4th, talk it over with your husband- have him agree with you on the rules for the girls. Have him help enforce these rules. The biggest deal is that he will think that they are beautiful exactly how they are and doesn't want them to change. Help him express this to your girls and maybe choose a color that is close to theirs, but will add highlights- or suggest instead of all over color, they get highlights. The last rule- if the girls get an allowance, have them pay for at least half of the product or salon cost of their hair color and maintenance. It is important that they see the upkeep and cost of the regimen they are starting.
As for piercings, my mother took me to get my first when I was 7. When I was 18 I went and got my second. My parents hated that I had another hole in my head, but it was my decision. AND, no eyebrows, noses, lips, etc. Ears only, and none of that inner ear piercing. THe holes don't close well and the infections are hard to clear up. I went to get my 3rd piercing when I was 23, and my 4th when I was 24 or 25. I have 3 in my lobes and one in the tops of my ears. Luckily, I do not work somewhere they worry about my earrings, plus I keep them nice and simple and small, and if needs be, covered with my hair. I would apply similar rules to piercings for your girls. They can get one in Jr. High, one in High school. A total of 2 piercings (in each ear) and they must stick to the lobes. Maintenance is required and if they get infections and don't follow basic care, they cannot keep them. Also, if you they have an allowance, have them pay for their earrings- not cheap-o ones, to see the cost. Have them purchase q tips and ear cleaning product with their own money too. I love my earrings and I wish I knew what my natural color was- but I also love to use my head as a canvas for color! But I also pay and always paid for my own, and the color- once my parents were involved- had to be approved. I even had to take a trip to the salon for some anti I screwed up and fried my hair product- joico k-pak. It was and is ridiculously expensive, but lesson mostly learned! =)
I hope this helps. THe key is to be in agreement with your husband and to note that if one parent says no, the other parent cannot go forward until a compromise is made or the foundation of rules and a unified front is destroyed. And children KNOW this. So get with him, discuss it, come up with rules and a compromise, and then present it to your girls. Family meeting over dinner or something. If they want it bad enough, they will agree to your terms. Also, do not let them debate or try to get you to come down on your rules. Stick to them like glue.
Have fun! And I hope this helps you some.
-E.

There is nothing pure, noble, and lovely in taking away a child's innocence. Please forgive me for being blunt- but some dads are against young girls dying hair and wearing makeup because it looks cheap. They look like outright floozies. There is only a short period of time when females are beutiful naturally. Somewhere around 12-20. No makeup or haircoloring could ever compete with that natural beauty and it just baffles me that girls want to cover it up, and even more baffling is how many parents that allow it. That doesnt help the child understand what purity is. Weather you did it yourself when you were 12 or not, the question is, How do you think older men viewed you? How do you want MEN viewing your daughter?

I made the mistake of bleaching my hair and wearing heavy makeup in my teen years.
I look back on pictures and cringe. I wish SOMEONE would have guided me. I have told my daughter how innapropriate I looked and how my own mother didn't guide me.
I am fortunate that my 13 yr old understands that and doesn't desire that kind of stuff. She believes me when I tell her how beautiful she is.. but most importantly, she is proud and satisfied in the way she looks.
I hope that you can somehow encourage your daughter to do the same, and try to hold out until she is much older.

I told my daughter 14, but I would let her color her hair. Her school doesn't allow "unnatural" hair colors though. I also would allow a second ear piercing, but I may be a very liberal mother. Just do what feels right to you. Take care, C..

Your daughter doesn't have to know what you did.

Sometimes it's nice to have a husband who opposes these things, since daughters will argue less with dad. My husband is unconditionally opposed to my 16 year old daughter getting her navel pierced, so she will have to wait till she's 18. It won't hurt a child to wait. It's unhealthy for children to get everything they want right now. That's not real life.

Most schools seem to allow piercings and hair coloring, so that's not really the issue. The issue is what you are comfortable with. 13 is the normal age for girls to start wanting these things. My daughter first fried (dyed) her hair at 14, and after dying it a couple of times she finally stopped, and now her own natural, glorious glossy color is back after that frizzy mess grew out. She got her 1st ear piercing at 13 (my rule) and her second on her 16th b-day.

Set an age you and your husband are comfortable with, and then have your daughter wait till that age. She'll live.

We just allowed DD to get her 2nd holes pierced, she's 12. She'a been asking since 11 to dye hair. She wants purple underneath. We've said no, only b/c of her attitude towards us. She's 12 going on 16 with a "I want it now" attitude, but doesn't want to do anything for anyone else.

I'm okay with her coloring her hair, my husband is okay with it too. But we still have not allowed her to color her hair due to her attitude and we let her know that. So you will have to find a compromise with your husband, and decide on an age the you both feel comfortable with and stick with it.

The issue of makeup just came up for us a few weeks ago. I was okay wih finding a compromise with DD, DH was "NO!" My compromise was to allow her to wear masscara. She wanted to wear black eyeliner and the whole nine yards. Of course she is way too young for all of that, my thoughts were start off small give them a little so you don't find out that they are going to school anyways, putting it on and hiding it from you. DH is still no, so she is not wearing it for now. I honestly feel she is too young for make-up still, but was trying to find a compromise instead of just no. After I explained this to DH he said let's talk to her again. However, DD hasn't approached the issue again b/c she was just told no, so I said we've put her off for a little longer, wait until she brings the issue up again b/c she will. And that was our compromise: No for now, and allow her to wear masscara when she asks us again.

Best of Luck, these decisions are not always the easiest. And I always wonder if I am making the right ones too.