Troubled Mom of 13 Year Old Daughter

My daughters are 12 and 14 years old and I am going through similar issues with my 12 year old. I am a single working Mom so I am very worried about the after school hours. As some of the other moms have pointed out, this is the riskiest time for then.

Yesterday my 12 year old skipped swim practice after school to spend time at the school with her boyfriend and 2 other kids. So I made an appointment with her school counselor for tomorrow to come up with a plan for her teachers and swim coach to communicate with me when she doesn't show up for practice or is late to class or not doing her work or talking too much (these are other issues she is having). I am going to either limit her cell phone use or take her phone away completely until she can win back this privilege with good behavior. I plan to write out my expectations for her behavior and what privileges she will loose and have to win back so it is very clear to her. There are other privileges she can lose but my ultimate threat to her is that if she does not comply, I will take time off work and go with her to every class and swim practice until she is convinced that she must follow the rules. I heard of another mother who did this and she only had to go to school with her daughter one day.

A few months ago I had a problem with her messaging boys on myspace that she didn't know and making plans to meet them. I took away her computer privileges for a few weeks until she agreed to give me her password so that I could have full access to her myspace account so I can see all of what she is writing and what messages she is getting. I have a laptop computer so it was easy for me to simply take it with me to work. I didn't have her delete the account because she is sneaky enough that she would have probably gone behind my back and set up a secret profile.

Reasoning doesn't work with her because my 12 year old thinks she knows everything already. She keeps insisting that she isn't going to have sex, but I know how it can easily happen when the girl isn't planning on it. She has seen those TV shows about sexual predators, but she thinks it won't happen to her. Her older half sisters are in their early 20s and both of them first had sex in middle school! They now see that it was a mistake and have talked with my girls about it but it still doesn't get through to her. She doesn't think it will happen to her.

My 14 year daughter is a completely different kid. She has given me plenty of white hairs over the years with other issues, but she is very honest and open with me. So she helps keep her sister accountable when they are home together.

It is good that you are concerned about her. Too many kids are allowed to do whatever they want. You have to be strong and make the rules and know that she will be mad at you for it but it is important. When I am questioning whether I am doing the right thing I discuss it with other moms at work. Their support helps me do the hard thing. I do remind her that I am disciplining her because I love her and want what is the best for her.

Another thing that can help is to get her involved in other activities. Is there something she would want to do during those after school hours like a sport at school or a dance class? Does your church have a good youth group? These are other things you can do.

I am hoping that this is just a phase she is going through and she will be more reasonable once she reaches high school age. My 14 year old became more reasonable after starting high school. But I am also preparing for the possibility that she will continue giving me trouble until she is grown. It is our most important job in life, so we have to do whatever it takes to get our kids raised as best as we can.
Good luck. Pray for me and I'll pray for you.

Another suggestion is to check with your insurance to see if they are paying for the HPV vaccine and get her vaccinated. This won't help with her current issues but it will help keep her from having abnormal pap smears and biopsies in the future. My girls are getting the first shot tomorrow.

Is the boy allowed to come over when you are at home? If he is able to then, if she breaks the rules and he is there when no one is home...then she should be punished by not letting him come over later. I think that could be a desent compromise that he is allowed to come over when you are home at least and they stay in a common room. I don't think that is too unrealistic or anything.

P.,
Please don't ever assume she's too trusting and not in on the intent. When I was 14 I was very mature and socialized with kids three to five years older. We didn't do drugs or anything bad, but I ended up 'falling in love' with a boy and having sex- and you know fully how fast that act can be! I guarantee she could have accomplished a lot in the 40 minutes before you got home.
The only thing I think could have stopped me was full supervision. Is there anyone you trust as an adult to be there while she rolls her papers and get ready to go? Is there any community center or after-school program where she could do this and be supervised? It may seem like a TON of trouble and wrangling, but it is only by the grace of God I didn't end up pregnant, and an ounce of prevention will seem like a shred compared to the troubles you both will contend with if she keeps pushing the boundaries without your follow-up.
She will resent you, and she will be angry, and she will try harder, but you must be the parent, not her friend right now, and it is worth it in the end. Taking away the paper route and putting her in an after school program may be the consequence of her not following rules. I think, however, that she will be able to work around anything you do to try to stop her unless it involves someone watching over her- she's a teenager 'in love' and in today's society, that means far riskier behavior at far younger ages than it used to.
If you can, you might try to get some solid evidence she's hiding things from you: my mom took off work early several days and spied on me, because without the pictures, I would just tell white lies and she'd try to figure out whether to believe me. If you have facts she can't dispute, she will likely have to have a real conversation about it.
Also, you could take her to a pregnancy services clinic or her doctor- a day of educational information about sex and babies? It scares the pants right back on young girls!! I work for one- we give them as much information as possible and the childbirth videos and photos of stretchmarks and young mothers all do a nice job of bringing the reality home.
One final thing: Statistically, 83% of teen pregnancies occur between 3:30 and 5:00pm. That's the statistic that makes me find a way to have an adult with my two girls after school, and I will until they're out of the home!!

Best of luck!

Well, i will be upfront and honest. I don't have a teen yet so I may not have the best advice. However, I have taught 6th graders so I know about what goes on at home and at school and it is very bothersome. I think that as a mother you should trust your daughter to a point. You don't want to be too over bearing, but at the same time you don't want her to think she can get away with everything. She broke a rule.PERIOD. I feel as if she needs consequences for that. No rule is too small. I was shocked at what 6th graders are doing now. Absolutely shocked. And their parents think nothing of it. They come to us asking us what to do when they haven't grounded them, taken any privileges away, or anything. There were still letting them use cell phones, go to the mall, go the local park, go skating, stay the night at friends' houses, etc etc... Maybe you should sit her down and come up with rules. Have her write them down. Come up with consequences that you both agree on and have her write those down too. This may give her some accountability. Now, again, I don't have a teen myself, but I have seen firsthand what they can do. I just don't want you to lose her before it's too late. Good luck! We'll be praying for you and her!

she definately needs to be punished for breaking the rules!! my girl is only 4 so im not there yet, but i was a teenage daughter once and i remember how i acted! something little like having a boy over when youre not home leads to bigger things. my mom never set strict rules on me and just assumed i was a great kid. i had straight As, was a cheerleader, the 'perfect' angel. but really i was out behind her back and sneaking around and totally lying to her. partying with my friends etc. you cant be too strict or controlling but you *must* set boundaries and make sure there are consequences to breaking rules! i never got grounded, never got things taken away. i was a spoiled brat basically! and i think that alot of my problems as a young adult started around the 13 and 14 yr old age. basically - dont smother her but dont let her get away with anything, either!

First, have you and your daughter talked about sex and all that it implies? As parents it is hard for us to sometimes see what is right before our eyes. The suspicious behavior says to me that they are hiding something. It may not be sex yet but as parents we have to be realistic that these kids, maybe not yours yet, are having sex. When I was 13 my closest friend had a baby. It happened then and happens now. If your daughter has been and is still lacking a good, strong, loving man in her life she will look to boys to fill that void. I would reccomend a good book for your daughter, my daughter is already reading it at 10 because I know she has lacked that male influence and will probably turn to a boy for what she thinks is love. The book is; a smart girl's guide to boys
surviving crushes, staying true to yourself and other stuff. It is publised by the American Girl Library. Good Luck. Don't act in anger, show love and guide your daughter with eyes wide open. The last thing you want is to push her away and it souds like she is already responsible. Have her be responsible with her body. At her age, hormones will be responsible for so many of her actions. So, keep the love open and honest! God Bless y'all.

I do have teenagers myself, but have not had this issue. We have dealt with other issues though. I agree with the rules thing. Set your daughter down and discuss the rules have her write them down and then discuss the consequencens for breaking the rules. There should always be consequences for breaking the rules. The first time may not be as severe as the next but she needs to know that you will not tolerate her ignoring the rules and that she will have to suffer the discipline for not obeying the rules. Teenage girls are so much more difficult to raise then boys are in my opinion because they are more moody, etc. but they should still be expected to abide by the rules. So I do wish you luck and hope that it all works out.

Hi, my name is K. and I have a daughter who is about to turn 11 but we have delt with other situation that have to do with trust. Girls are so confusing. I have found that if I try to think like them it helps. Why not find out more about this boy with your daughter and talk about the rules and maybe let hime come over when you get home and talk about it with both of them. If they continue to be sneaky then maybe another after school solution is needed. Not at the boy stage yet and not ready for it but I know it is going to happen and when it does I want my daughter to know she can talk to me and I want to be able to trust her which sometimes is hard to do.

Good luck

Is it possible for you to change your hours or hire a sitter? I'm sure she'd say she doesn't need one, but she's not exactly acting like she can be trusted to follow the rules. I have a sixteen year old sister and she has a boyfriend. Thankfully, his parents and mine are on the same page about most things. She can go over there with a parent present and vice versa. And believe me, my mother talks to the parent present. Have you talked to this boy's parents? They may have no clue what is going on. It couldn't hurt to at least try to enlist their help in this. Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope it all works out.

This may be way off base as I don't have a teenager to raise yet, but since I am only 27 I remember a lot from my own teen years.
From personal experience, I was a less than honest, less that trustworthy teen...had all kinds of issues and luckily had a wonderful caring mom that got me through those years. So First off good luck and lots of prayers your way. It can be a trying couple of years.
Second, I was a latch key kid by 10 years old, but when I pulled this same kind of stunt at about 12yrs old I was put back into daycare. The daycare bus picked me up at school and my mom came to get me when she got off work. It sucked! and it only lasted for a couple of months until we had worked a lot on knowing what the rules were and what happens when they get broke, but it sets a high bar. You have to stick to your guns, and not let her run things. You are the Momma, push back when she pushes those boundaries.