Trouble with My Three Year-old Boy, Looking for Advice, Understanding, Hope

Hi E.,
Have you considered having him evaluated by an occupational therapist who specializes in sensory processing disorders? This is my background and I hear similar stories everyday. It sounds like it is more than a parenting issue and I would highly recommend ruling out underlying issues which may be affecting behavior. There may still be a behavior issue, but once he has been evaluated, his therapist should be able to offer a referral to a specialist. Good luck!

Have you tried "1-2-3 Magic"? My local library has the DVD's, and several parents I know use it successfully. I also know several parents who swear by "Love and Logic."

My instinct is to say talk with the pediatrician....he may need some testing. One of my son's friends was this way, destructive, impulsive, attention grabbing. His mom tried EVERYTHING- parenting books, classes, diet- you name it. She finally admitted she was beginning to dislike her own child- heartbreaking. All of the kids in his preschool also did not want to play with him- too rough, too destructive. He was ADHD and she knew that through testing but she really did not want to medicate him. Once she medicated him - he became the nicest child- even he said he liked himself better. I am NOT a big advocate of medicating children- I think way too many of them are medicated for the parent's convenience (or the schools) - but sometimes that is the answer.
I have another friend who actually took her toddler to the doctor and asked if she needed an exorcism. She was also very destructive and into everything- but not so impulsive. She stayed that way until about first grade- my son who was friends with her older brother wouldn't take anything over there- she threw his Nintendo on the floor and stepped on it- breaking the glass. She knocked his guitar over and chipped it- on purpose. Every game system, CD player, whatever her older brother had- she broke it. Finally she has settled down- she is in third grade. Preschool didn't do it- but regular school did. I think the difference between these two was she COULD behave at school- the boy could not. have you tried preschool with your son? I think that is a GREAT first start- if he can behave for someone else and interact appropriately with other kids then it probably is just behavioural and age...if not, maybe something else is up. Good luck...

Hi E.,

I don't have much time to respond but just wanted to let you know that we had what sounds like the exact situation with our son (he is now 5). He was always an intense little person (whether happy or sad) but when he hit 3 1/2 things got like you are describing (even the aggression with the younger sibling). Read lots of books, tried several approaches - but what finally turned things around was a book called Transforming the Difficult Child the Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser. (Glasser has recently updated this book but I think I like the original better.) It is hard to sum up, but basically is about changing the way you share your energy with your child to break that "addiction" some kids seem to form - and get them hooked on the good attention not the bad. Lots of tips about letting them know you see them and notice them when they are not being bad and making sure you are not sharing energy when faced with behavior you don't want to see again (a spanking is lots of energy = a huge payoff for kids like this). There are even trained parenting coaches in this method - I LOVED Dana Parkhoff and it was worth every penny I paid for our phone consultations. She is in Dallas and her website is http://www.nurturedheartparenting.com. It was really hard, but things started changing the very day I started following the books instructions. And when we got stuck Dana was always able to suggest things to try. My son is 5 now and still an intense little guy but our household is (mostly) peaceful and we are excited about him going to kindergarten in the fall (something I couldn't have imagined during the hell on earth we went thru when he was 3 - hee-hee)!!! See, I can laugh about it now!!!! Feel free to email if you have any questions. Good luck!

First- Hugs to you!

2nd- please have him tested for Autism. While destructiveness and general not listening is a common 3yo issue, this seems a little more. The touching everything in sight is what concerns me. He is testing your boundaries.

3rd- if he tests negative, put him in a good pre-school. That will get him out of the house and into a consistent, structured environment. It will help him learn to follow rules and play well with others. Full time day care may be a possibility, even though you are a SAHM.

4th= age 3 is THE WORST age. 2 has nothing on 3.

My middle one was very resentful towards his younger brother (I have 3) and it still has not ended, but it has lessened (they are now 8 and 4). It has helped that they share common interests and spend time away from each other everyday (in school). They may never "like" each other.

The only bad thing about "firsties" as I call them, is that they have had all the attention for so long it is hard to give it up. He is trying to get you away from the baby and is using bad behaviour to do it. Be firm with him and let him know who is boss. He is now old enough for time out to be effective if it is used properly. He is also old enough to understand that there are consequences for his behaviour. Take his movies away. Take his play dates away. Yes, it is harder on you than it is on him, but he needs to learn to behave.

Schedule a time where someone can watch the baby and you and he can go out and do something just the 2 of you. It may help. Try to do this once a week. Maybe even put the baby in Mother's day out once a week and give you oldest your full attention on that day.

Good Luck!

Oh E. -- I feel your pain!!! I had this kid, only not a younger one to look after, which would have finished me. But for me, two books have made a big difference, and I could only find one of them to give you the definite title, which is _1-2-3 Magic_ by Thomas Phelan. There is also another book titled _The Everything Parenting Guide to the Strong-Willed Child_ -- both are REALLY good. For a kid who is never NOT testing, you just need something simple you can use constantly, and 1-2-3 Magic is exactly that -- works great. These approaches, especially NOT spanking, which made things much worse, helped my difficult daughter to become much more fun to be with.

M.

Hi E.,

I am sorry to hear things are tough right now. It sounds as if your instincts are telling you its time to address this further. Your pediatrician is a good starting point. There may be a minor underlying condition that can be treated and return your son to a less defiant state. Your pediatrician can also recommend any other avenues to consider.

Remember that one of your important jobs as a parent is to be your son's advocate. Love him enough to ask a lot of questions and really check this out. He does not sound very happy right now. You are the best one to find out how to help him.

Take heart - this is something you can help him through. Children also go through stages in their development. With help and the passage of time, you can help him improve his behavior, self-esteem and happiness.

Good luck,
Parent Coach J. B

Hi. It's hard. I think it's time for some intervention. You need to get him checked out. Does he go to a MDO or any type of pre-school? It might be helpful to have him in a program with others his age, then you can maybe gauge his behavior. ie..is it home, brother, emotional etc. I always thought the "3's" were worse than the 2's & that's also the time when other things show up. I think the first step would be a few hrs a week of structure ____@____.com them know your concerns & work from there. Best of luck to you.

E., Here is a great resource for help. Wonderful classes here in Austin. Good Luck!

Redirecting Children’s Behavior
http://www.incaf.com/

E-Mail ____@____.com
Valentina Vale, Certified Parent Educator,
Central Texas Redirecting Children Behavior and the Art of Parenting,
A Certified Redirecting Children’s Behavior ™ Company

I have two boys, too. While it has never been as bad as this at my house, my older boy has gone through phases like this. We decided to send him to pre-k two days a week. It's more like MDO, but very structured and nurturing. He gets to experience some group activities, I get a break from the constant needs of 2 kids. I really don't recommend the spanking. That can backfire and he might start seeing hitting as a solution.

E.,

I feel for you and respect that you are reaching out for different ideas and perspectives - the willingness to do this is a sign of good parenting! I second the recommendation on Redirecting Children's Behavior. The book by Kathryn Kvols (think that is the right spelling) is very good and full of ideas. As setting limits seems to be escalating the situation with your son, it seems to me that he is wanting control as well as attention. Some helpful things to try are, of course, as much prevention as possible (reviewing expectations, trying to avoid provoking situations), but also giving him control in a positive way. Give him as many choices in his life as possible, making sure that all the options open to him are acceptable to you. Also, something from the Kvols book that I have used very successfully with my headstrong daughter is to not respond verbally or make much eye contact when she is having a fit but to make physical contact by rubbing her back or something like that - to gently let her know I love her if her behaviour is really about reassurance. I wish you good luck and patience!

I don't know your whole situation, but here's what has helped me in the past with my son's behavior. First, he is a boy. They have to exert physical energy daily. I take my boy OUT! Parks, walks, bike rides..and get him to use up all his energy. He is much easier to handle if he is allowed to physically run and play everyday. Inside playing just doesn't do it.

And the most important thing is to eliminate sugar from his diet. Sugar is toxic to my son. He is a different person on it, and is aggressive, and does not obey, or listen.. when he is normally a nice, caring boy. Replace processed snacks with fruits and veggies..no sugar added applesauce, pb sandwiches, skip the jelly, yougurt, spag sauce (read lables!) and water juice down, or get rid of it all together. Watch for hidden sugar, like flavored milk etc. You will see IMMEDIATE results with this. So easy, and so good for them.

Good luck!

Hi E.,
Unfortunataly this feeling towards his younger brothers will not subside by itself. choose your battles carefully with him- try putting him in a mothers day out a couple days a week- or better yet- put the others there and spend more one on one time with him. talk to him contantly- about positive things and positive behavior without condeming him or making him feel guilty- if he does not improve or you do not see some improvement then I would strongly suggest getting him some proessional help so he won;t have issues when he starts school
Good luck and blessings

Hi E.,

First off I'm sorry for how stressful life has been for you. I know you'll get great advice from Moms who have experienced the same thing.

My girlfriend did experience this with her son and he was diagnosed a classic ADHD. His need to do "things" overcame his understanding of not doing things....he just couldn't help himself. He was placed on medication and he even noticed a difference. Not that your son is I just wanted to let you know what my friend experienced.

Good luck,
d

Wow, this really sounds alot like my almost 3 year old DAUGHTER! She does some of the same behavior if I am not paying attention to her. She is the only child (thank goodness)She is very distructive and almost everything recentley has become a battle. I see that you are a sahm. Me too. I think sometimes it is harder because the kids are with us so much that they don't get a break and neither do we. I try to be consistant on discipline and send her to time out. She really doesn't stay and then that becomes a battle. For his routines, maybe try a chart that has pics of his morning rountine such as brushing teeth, getting dressed, eating breakfast ect. When he has done that let him move his clip to the next and maybe him seeing what is coming up won't be so h*** o* him to transition. Good luck and know that you are not alone. Hopefully they will all grow out of this.

I have two boys, 7 and 4 1/2. This is not normal. At that age he should understand basic rules and boundries. I would consult you physician to make sure there are no issues that need to be addressed. I am sorry I cannot be of more help. I have not ever esperienced this type of thing. I could assume it is a "lack of discipline and setting boundries" issue, but I don't know enough to say that. I will say that the golden rule with everything is consistancy. Make rules, post them so they are clear, post the consequences to breaking those rules and then follow through every single time!! Good luck, I hope this helps.

If you aren't comfortable with spanking - don't. You can be consistent enough with something to make it effective if you have mixed feelings about it. You must choose something that you can be consistent with.

Second, this child needs something. Attention? sounds reasonable. More independence? perhaps. Preschool? YES!

My son is/was much like you describe. He's so smart - but he doesn't always use his powers for good if you know what I mean. The strategies that we've used over the last few years have been: quality one-on-one attention from both parents (together and separately), preschool, tapping into something that he really digs and encouraging it - with our son that is puzzles. And last but not least, increased responsibility with consistent praise and consequences. My son loves to be treated like a little man! We started out giving him the chore of taking the trash out. When he does, we oh and ah over how strong he is and how he's such a help to the family. Who doesn't love to feel needed, right?

Good Luck!

I have a 3 year old boy that had behavioral issues as well. He was out of control. It even seemed like sometimes he couldn't control himself whether he wanted to or not. Some days he spent more time in his timeout chair then anywhere else. It was to the point that I actually didn't like my child very much.

One day I was talking to my dad (school principal) and he mentioned that there was a child he had that behaved similiarly. It turned out he was allergic to wheat. When his parents removed wheat from his diet, he was a different child. That got me thinking. I remembered that everytime my son at the vegetable corn he was even worse for the next couple of days. So much so that we had stopped giving him corn as the vegetable at dinner. It then dawned on me that to remove all corn products (corn syrup, corn starch, corn flour) as well. Within 24 hours there was a marked improvement in his behavior and attention span. My parents even noticed a difference within just an few minutes of being with him. Within a couple of days it was like I had a different child. Every once in awhile he eats something with corn product and the "other" child returns, reminding me again why it is worth the extra care to watch his diet.

For us it took observing what he ate and watching his behavior over the next 2 days to see what happened. Most food will be out of the body system within 2 days.

It is hard reading labels, but I have found that of most food that my son loves, at least one brand will not have corn. We have also found now after more than 6 months of this, that if the corn product is at the bottom of the list he can tolerate small doses of that food.

Good luck, I don't know if it is corn or wheat or something else, but at least if it is a food allergy it can be managed.

It seems as though your son is hungry for your attention (good or bad). This usually happens after a new baby or if you have been spending more time at work, etc... Try, if you can, having one day a week dedicated to just him. It's his day, so no little brother coming along. Just you and him doing whatever he wants to do (park, zoo, etc..) Sometimes kids just need that special time with parents to feel like they're important too. Good luck and God bless :)

In reference to paint on the rug, food on the floor, etc., I had latches on pantry and cabinet doors until a recent remodel--kids were 27, 22, 18! Markers, crayons, glue, shoe polish as well were put away. I actually used the latches--the screen door, spring-catch type--until the baby was tall & strong enough that they weren't a deterrent to him. (I do also have very young nieces & nephews that now bear a little more watching when they come over.) If he's still small enough to lift, you might just take him to the bathroom or put him in the bath, instead of asking. If he throws his food on the floor, is mealtime over? My favorite bedtime story of all time is Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are...very reassuring to kids who act like "king of all the wild things" to hear that someone "loves them best of all!" My husband and I read it to our kids on an almost nightly basis...we loved all our wild things best of all, and they did grow up into nice, responsible, educated, and employed adults! Good luck!

Hi E., I completely can relate to your situation. My first born, a boy who is now 6 was the exact same way and still is for the most part. He wants 100% attention, whether negative or positive, it really does not matter to him. I have spoken with friends who have had boys and most of them, not ALL, say their boys went through this kind of phase and that it does get better with time. That boys who did this early turn out "gentle" as teenagers. I surely hope so, my son is improving as he gets older and understands the consequences of his actions but we are still not completely out of the woods with him yet. So, don't beat yourself up much as I have found out that MOST boys go through this phase.
Just try to highlight the positive attention and downplay the negative ones (even when you want to strangle them!).
He is on the honor roll of his school but his reports always say he needs to work on his attitude. We have had to change his school once as they could not "cope" with his "energy".
Goodluck with yours!

If you go with MDO or other activities outside your home, make sure you ask them up front about their discipline and refund policies. When my son(now 7) was 3, I would drop him off at MDO and they'd call me 30 minutes later to pick him up because he'd misbehaved. It was so frustrating to have to bring him home and still pay for the whole day. Eventually they recommended trying public pre-k, because they thought the behavior might be caused by no one understanding his speech. Now, in 1st grade, he has an aide with him most of the day to redirect his behavior, picture schedules, and plenty of breaks to be more physically active.