I Need Advice on My Destructive 4 Year Old.

I think you should take him to a therapist as well. One of the stages of grieving is anger - he may be in that stage and need some help moving on. He may also have some abandonment issues and is trying to see IF you will stay (since dad didn't - he does not have the capability yet to understand death, (that part of the brain is not fully developed until wayyyyy later) so he probably feels abandon.)

Grief counseling for both you and your boy. If this behavior was not happening before your husband's death, I would suggest it might be related. However, if it was apparent that he had this high level of activity, lack of attention and zero impulse control, it's time to talk to the pediatrician. This isn't typical four year old behavior. I don't know if it's your parenting style (because I don't know from what you have written how you handle those moments, aside from yelling, which I think you know is not helpful) or something organic within your son, but I'm guessing this is a good age to start finding out.

I'm so sorry about your husband. This is certainly part of it, but I don't think it's all. I highly recommend that you ask your ped to send you to an OT (Occupational Therapist) for an evaluation. I really think that your son has some sensory integration problems. You need an OT who has a specialty in this. Tell your ped you want this and don't take no for an answer, B..

My younger son was forever crashing into things. I got plastic glasses because he seemed to break any glass he came within two feet of. I realized at some point that he wanted to FEEL things - he'd even run into the wall and into people. He was too rough and I knew that he didn't understand it.

His OT explained to me that he needed a sensory "diet". She did "fun" things with him in OT and we had a regime at home as well. It helped tremendously.

Don't wait. He has to have help now. Your medical insurance should cover it. The written evaluation is important. And ask the OT for a follow-up evaluation after she has worked with him for a while.

Good luck with this. You can do this, mom. Get him help now before he gets thrown out of school. I promise it will help.

Lastly, I'd like to add that a play therapist might be very helpful as well, specifically for what seems to be anger. You can ask your ped for that too. Between a play therapist and OT, your son can turn this around.

Your son was hugely traumatized by the loss of his father, poor sweet baby, and he is acting out because of it.

One thing you need to do is talk to him occasionally and validate his feelings by mirroring them. "It's very sad that daddy is gone, isn't it. I know you miss him. I miss him too." It's critical that you keep this line of communication open. Maybe you can come up with rituals that you and he do to remember and honor daddy.

I lost my little brother when I was 5 -- I was in no way prepared for his death, I did not get to visit him in the hospital or get to go to his funeral (my mother thought she was protecting me), and he was never discussed afterward. I can tell you from experience that feeling like I was not allowed to talk about him (because I felt like it would hurt my mother too much), was very detrimental to me. I should have been allowed to visit him at the hospital, go to the funeral, and talk about him afterward.

He HAS to be enabled to talk about daddy. Not daily, maybe not even weekly, but he needs to feel completely comfortable talking about daddy to you whenever he needs to. And when he does, the best thing you can do is to "mirror" his feelings back to him, in other words just repeat back exactly what you think he is feeling, and cuddle him for a bit. Try to minimize punishments for his acting out.

This will NOT, I repeat NOT, make him use it as a "cop out." He's only 4, remember that. He barely understands his own feelings. One of the things mirroring does is to help them put words to their feelings, which they don't understand.

And this is really important for you to know -- when things aren't discussed, kids almost always find a way to blame themselves for the things that are not discussed. Believe it or not, he may find a way to blame himself for his father's death if it's not openly discussed with him. I blamed myself for a long time for my brother's death.

Good luck. Your little boy has been more traumatized than he is probably showing. Try to keep your patience.

Interesting first question and first questions usually raise red flags due to so many fake posters on the site lately.

On the off chance this is true.....

I am sorry for your loss. You already know that your son is going through a bad time due to the loss of his dad. You are also going through a big change emotionally as well. My advice would be for the 2 of you to be in some sort of family therapy so you can work through your grief as normally as possible without hurting each other in the long run.

As far as spanking... I am not a proponent of spanking. We teach our children not to hit, then we turn around and hit them to make them behave? Does not make sense to me and I was raised with parents who believed in spanking and I got my share with belts, switches, fly swatters, etc.. Spankings did not make me respect my parents... it made me hate them because of the power trip they got from spanking us.

There are lots of counselors who deal specifically with children and grief. Please get your little boy the help he needs so he can live as normally as possible. Also, go for yourself so you learn more tolerance and how to parent.

Good luck.

A cop out? He is 4 years old.

Are you grieving the loss of his father? Your response to his emotions seems like it lacks empathy, so I'm wondering how you are doing with the loss? Were you married? Divorced? Not with the Dad?

I think it's time to have him evaluated by a psychologist and I think it's time that you get some support to help you with your grief and parenting. Being a single mom is hard. I've seen friends go through it and it's very difficult. I imagine you both are going through a very difficult time.

Get some support so you can be the best mom to your little boy.

Does he go to preschool or daycare? What about his behavior around other adults, like grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc? It's hard to say if this is HIS problem, or yours, without knowing this important information.
Either way it sounds like you should talk to his pediatrician and maybe get a referral for some parenting classes and/or family/behavioral therapy.

You need to run him ragged.
If he's bouncing with energy, you don't sit him down in time out - it doesn't help him burn any excess energy off.
He needs to jump, run, climb, kick a soccer ball around, shoot hoops, ride a bike - get majorly physical and sweat.
Sign him up for taekwondo 5 days a week.
When kids act up there - they run laps or do lots of pushups/situps - they tire them out - which is just what your son needs.
If he mentions his Dad, you say you miss him too and Dad wouldn't want him doing whatever he's doing that's driving you up the wall.
We tend to want to make the deceased into saints but they were real people who got mad, sad, and angry like everyone else.
If you think his Dad would have been likely to whoop his behind - you tell him.
You're feeling sorry for him - he knows how to push your buttons - so when he plays that card make sure it doesn't work for him.
If he's ignoring you, then he knows he can get away with it because you are not following through with consequences in a timely manner.
Three strikes and you're out is plenty of warning.
Never issue a consequence you can't live with - but when you feel the situation escalating - step back and stop before you're at the exploding/yelling phase - you already know that's not working so stop doing it.
Don't tell him what he can't do - tell him what he can do - steer him toward a desirable activity.

I would do these things:
1. Get him into see a child therapist once a week to deal with his grief.
2. Get yourself into a parenting class - it's always great to be reminded of ways to deal with bad or annoying behavior.
3. Get your son into physical activity! A sport, swimming, gymnastics, marital arts, anything. On the days he does not have his activity you should take him out for a bike ride, walk, scooter ride, to the playground, to the pool, etc. If he is doing something physical each day it will help get out some of that energy.
4. Keep talking to him about empathy for others and for animals. About how they feel. About what is nice. Show him the correct thing to do...over and over. He will mature and get it one day.
5. Give him your undivided attention each day. Plan an outing to the zoo. Put down a roll of paper and do some finger painting. Make a giant batch of plahdoh and create with him. Sit him on your lap and read to him. Build a fort together and play inside.
Four year olds don't have much of an attention span...especially boys I have noticed! When my son was 4 I had to take him outside daily to ride his bike or scooter. Many days we would do a hike also. Inside he liked to jump on the little trampoline or bounce around the house on his hippety hop. He had so much energy. I had to help him engage in activities and give him a lot of my time. When my daughter was 4 she would engage herself in pretend play a lot more often. Invite over another little 4 year old boy once a week for a playdate for your son. It's nice to watch another child of the same age to see the similarities!

He won't use his father's death as a cop out. He's only 4 yrs old. He does
not have that mental capability yet. Only an older person would do that.
He's 4. His attention span is that of a gnat.
You have to re-direct him when he's into something you don't want him to
be into. Hey son, come here look at this cricket or whatever. You are
taking his attention away from what he's doing to show him something
new. It's re-directing.
Also, timeouts should only be 1 min per year of age so set a timer for
4 mins. When it goes off, get down to his level then calmly ask if he
knows why he was in a timeout. If he doesn't know, calmly explain to
him why then give him a hug letting him off his timeout.
When you tell him to do something, make sure he's looking at you then
use only a few words to get your point across (about 4 words) like this:
"put your shoes on" or "put the blocks back" or "don't touch that" or
"get your jacket. We're leaving" etc. That's direct & matches their ability
to grasp direction & attention span.
Remember to get his attention (call his name & only give the direction
when he's looking at you. Don't just yell it out in his general direction.).
Of course he cries. Of course, he misses his dad. That is very normal.
This doesn't sound like an issues. It sounds like a normal stage. Be
patient. Give yourself a timeout if you get overburdened (say "here watch this cartoon for a minute then walk into the other room taking a deep breath & stay in there for a few minutes.).
He's not saying he misses his dad to make you feel bad. He does not
have that cognizant thought process.
See if you can get someone to help you for an hour (like a neighbor you
trust) so you can go run an errand or grab a coffee sitting in the cafe to
drink it.
Spanking isn't going to work. He won't draw the connection.
Look at this way, if you're talking & you think it's not being heard.....view it
as your fault. It is as you're expecting too much. He's closer to babyhood
than adolescence.
Hang in there, be patient, be calm, give yourself a 2 min timeout, give him hugs, show him love (he needs it), remember he's just a child/you're
an adult, be kind.
Things will get better in time. Soon.
Get help when you can. Do you belong to a gym that has childcare? If so,
go for 30 -45 mins. You'll feel better.

You've kind of described 4 year old boys. Many of them have lots of energy and need to do lots of running and playing and climbing.

You don't really say what it is that is is doing to get in trouble. That would be helpful. You want yo make sure your expectations are age appropriate. Most 4 year olds are not good listeners. It's important to keep things short and simple - "We don't jump on the couch." Don't explain, just repeat. If there are things he is getting into, it might be time to put dome of those things in a closet or on a high shelf.

If he doesn't always do what he's told (and most kids are like this) you need to do it with him or follow up right away. This will help him learn that you mean business and just get him in the habit.

I'm sure there's more to it. It's hard to know how much info yo put in a post. But much of what you are describing is very common. It's exhausting, right? But you just have yo be consistent and persistent.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This major life change may well be affecting your son's behavior, and it's also affecting the way you react to things (such as your son saying he misses his dad).

When a child is reacting with anger, violence, destructiveness or high energy, you will find that reacting yourself with anger (yelling, spanking) just fuels it. It teaches a child that being physical and loud is okay because it's what Mommy does when she's frustrated. That's not the message you want to convey, right?

It's almost impossible to sit with a 4 year old and talk to him at moments like this - you're right, it goes in one ear and out the other. Yes, you want to redirect when you can, but the main thing is, your child needs absolute and immediate unpleasant consequences when he misbehaves. You don't have to sit and explain - you just do it. So if he throws things, he goes in his room right then and there. If you have to take his toys out of his room, fine. I left my son's special blanket and his stuffed animals, but took away the hot wheels and the legos and so on, until he could stop throwing. If he asked for them, I said they went away because he was throwing them.

If he throws it, it goes in a big basket or bucket, whatever you have. Every time, and immediately. If he dumps the puzzle & pieces in anger, then you grab as many of the big pieces as you can right then, dump them, and put them in the attic/garage/basement, right while he's watching. You say, "No we don't throw" and take the stuff away. You put him in his room even if he is screaming. 4 years old, 4 minutes time out. If he resumes when you take him out of his room, he goes right back in. You don't yell (as hard as that is!) - you say, "when you calm down and are quiet, you can come back."

Same thing with asking them to do stuff. They don't hear it the first time. A lot of kids just don't transition well from one thing to the next. So "clean up your toys" is such a huge change from what they are doing, they block it out. Sometimes a 2 minute heads-up warning or a kitchen timer can work.
Be sure, if you are asking him to do something, that it's very specific - "Clean up your room" is way too hard for little kids because it involves too many tasks and they don't know how to start. "Put your toy cars in the box" is very specific and more helpful/possible.

Kids say things out of frustration, and to get a rise out of their parents. So "I hate you" and "I don't love you" and "You're a bad mommy" and "I miss Daddy" don't always reflect what they are really feeling. All they know is, those statements make you stop disciplining them. They don't really have empathy at this age - so telling them they hurt your feelings is meaningless. This is a big reason why many early childhood experts don't make kids say "I'm sorry" - because the child isn't sorry. The kid learns that "I'm sorry" means the punishment stops and they can go back to what they are doing. So you're right that your child says this to get him out of trouble, but you're wrong that he says it because it makes you feel bad. He DOES do it because it works. So the consequence has to be something that annoys the child, and can't be talking to the child or requiring the child to talk.

So don't yell - say "We don't throw things" and put him in his room, shut the door, and walk away. What he wants most is your attention - so take that away when he misbehaves. He'll get the message. Do it every time - it won't work the first time, and we all know that. Just be consistent.

A lot of moms here will recommend "Love and Logic" and "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" - you can get these at your library for free.

Good luck and hang in there.

Losing his father has probably affected him more than you think. I would recommend counseling for him. It's not too early to find out why he is lashing out at everything. I wouldn't let them try to make him take any pills or anything like that, but maybe talking to him to try and understand what is going on inside that little head would be good and maybe take some of the pressure off you.

I'm so sorry for your loss too. I'm sure it hasn't been easy. Hang in there. It will get better.

Yoiu need to get both of you into grief counseling. A lot of his behavior is typical 4 year old boy behavior. He needs to get out and play and run. He also needs to be taught HOW to play with or pet animals. With most children you need to gently take their hand into yours and show him how to pet an animal gently. You need to repeat the word 'gently - gently' over and over until he gets it. At 4 I am not sure if kids understand the difference between a real animal and a stuffed animal.

Very sorry for your loss.

I agree with Nervy Girl. You both need help because of the major life change you've gone through. Both of you are having trouble coping, which is TOTALLY normal. Your pedi may have someone to refer you to, or your church.

I really like "Love and Logic" parenting. It takes a little work, but is worth it. (google for links, and books are in most stores).

He's four and his dad died. The world makes no sense to him. The breaking things may be somehow connected in his mind to his daddy dying. Take him to a therapist.

Well, for starters, I'd get counseling. I think that he's acting out because he misses his dad and can't process his grief. Even little kids can benefit from play therapy. So at least see if that's part of the issue. Secondarily, I would look at the household and do what you can to be calm and consistent. Take a parenting class or two, try to follow (really follow) a book like Love and Logic or 1,2,3 magic. If you find yourself only yelling at him, then you need to figure out how to react without being a yeller or a hitter yourself. Sometimes whispering works better. Have him face you and speak softly. Let him feel secure by having a consistent routine, rules, and bedtime.

You can also discuss with his pediatrician if there are any other concerns that might be going on. My cousin's daughter is on the Autism spectrum and how she disciplines her DD is different than how I discipline because she has other considerations.

I also agree that if you don't teach him what TO do, then he won't know. So catch him being good, and praise him for it, and teach him HOW to handle animals, and be nice to them.

He's 4 and had a great tragedy that we can only imagine what he is going through. Please understand a lot of this is 4 year old behavior. I'd suggest he might need some help to deal with this. It might only take a few times in play therapy for the issue to find it's way out but he's suffering and needs that outlet. He isn't able to process his feelings as if he was a teen or adult. He's only able to act out his feelings.

He isn't able to cognitively process some of what you're doing. Like when he goes back and back and back regardless of the consequences. He's focused on one thing and isn't able to switch gears. He needs to find a way to do that obsession in a good way.

If he's breaking a toy so what? If he breaks it then it goes in the trash. Why is he angry at that toy? Is it one he loves a lot? Hee may be acting out that he's mad at love. Daddy left him and he said he loved him so love must be a lie and he's angry. I'd pick him up and hold him and hold him and hold him. He needs that hole filled in. Not saying you aren't doing a good job. Just saying he needs time to rebuild himself. He may not even remember his dad in a year. Just the pain.

I don't know what else to say except I'd work with a therapist who did play therapy and I'd take him for a few months at least once per week, twice if it was making a breakthrough.

He might need something to help stabilize his moods too. Our boy took Depakote for a while and it really helped him not have rages so much. It's not something you'd want him to take for years and years of course. It's something that can help him get through a long haul of work.

I hope you can find someone that will work with him.

B.,
I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. I can imagine that in caring for your son you haven't had much time to fall apart and grieve your husband's death. I hope that you have friends or family who can support you right now--people who can be there just to listen to you gripe, complain, cry and even laugh about how hard this all is. Your son clearly has a lot of feelings to off load, too. I wouldn't worry about him using his father's death as a cop out. You are going to continue to set limits so he won't be able to use it as a cop out, but meanwhile, you can offer him lots and lots of empathy. Yes, he may cry and thrash and sweat and resist. That's okay. Let him work through his emotion with you close by, loving him, reassuring him that although he is feeling overwhelmed by emotion right now, it will get easier over time once he has let it all out.
In response to breaking things and causing mischief, one way to siphon of the kind of manic energy is to rough house with him--make it very physical, rolling around on the floor, letting him fall on top of you, catching and releasing him, letting him catch you and pretending to get away. Make it loud and dramatic and silly, but don't let him hurt you. If it turns into a crying session because he is trying to hurt you, that's okay. Let him cry. Hold him as much as he'll let you (all the while not letting him land a blow).
Get support for your own feelings so that you can sit with his feelings without feeling bad. Hold the limit or standard you have set, but provide lots of time for working through the crying, whining, fighting you. Over time he will regulate his emotions more quickly. At other times, when he is calm, you can use books and stories to start building his emotional vocabulary and awareness.
Good Luck,
E. Stitt (Joyful Parenting Coaching)