Too Close to Grandparents?

Imagine them not having grandparents at all. They are very lucky to have this time with them and be making memories that will last forever. Kids often become attached to other people, whether it be grandparents, a babysitter, a friend. . .whoever. It's normal and healthy. It doesn't mean they love you any less.

there is never too close. my nephew did it with my parents. my s-i-l mother would get upset because he would want my parents over her. it's part of is life and he clearly enjoys being with. in my expirence all kids go thru it. my daughter loves my parents. LOVES LOVES LOVES them! sometimes that the 1st she asks for when she wakes up. my parents watch my daughter 3 days a week, sometimes 4. when my dad comes home from work it's like my mom doesn't exsist sometimes. and when i pick her up she gives me her hellos but then is off to be with my dad. it doesn't bother me. i think it bothers me more when she "chooses" mommy over daddy in my own home but......she's only 21 months and things change so much. enjoy it and embrace it. you never know what today or tomorrow might bring. good luck.

Yesterday I was having a bad day. Which is why something that normally doesn't frustrate me, did. I commented out loud, "I am catching EVERY SINGLE red light!!!" From the backseat, I hear my 4-year-old reply, "then we should play Red Light, Green Light!" She made me remember that when something happens, you can choose an interpretation of it as negative (and thus be upset), or you can choose an interpretation that is positive and makes everyone happy.

So many people could be green with envy that you have parents who are so involved--free daycare and babysitting (in this economy??), grandparents who live so close (nothing instills values like strong family ties), a child who truly loves them (and therefore doesn't CLING).

You have chosen, instead, to have a negative interpretation of a situation that many would LOVE to have. Your child WILL NEVER choose them over you both. There are plenty of times my 2 girls prefer my parents because grandparents don't have to discipline or set boundaries or say no. The big picture is that they feel most secure and safest with us as parents. Its not a contest, anyway. The more people that love your child, the better off he is.

Appreciate what you have while you can.

I know you are probably not gonna like my answer but get over it!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a 5 1/2 yr and a 2 1/2 yr and my parents who live 1500 miles away have only seen my 5 1/2 yr twice in her life and my 2 1/2 yr only once.

It sounds like you want the best of both worlds, you want them to be there for you when its convenant for you(to watch him while you work), but no other time. And then you don't want them to have a close relationship even then.

Be glad he has grandparents how love him and wnat to spend time with him. Remember there will come a time when his grandparents are DEAD!

Your son knows who his parents are and who are his grandparents.

Like I said you won't like what I have to say on this subject and I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Nicki

M.,

Are you kidding me. I would give my left arm if my children got to spend all that time with my dad. My mom lives down stairs from us, my youngest loves her to death. She sometimes thinks he is hers. He comes home from school and can't wait to see his grandmother. Special moments should be shared with grandparents, they live for those. Grandparents are not around for ever, the time spent with them will be so precious to your son. My dad died early and never got to see his grandchildren grow up. Your lucky to such loving parents that even want to spend time with your little one. I am sorry if I sound mean, I wish my dad was around to spoil and love mine. Its very appropriate behavior for your son to want to be with them, they love him. What more could you ask for? Just remember they are not here forever. You try to see a different way.....look how luck you are to have such loving parents that adore your son. I know I do with my mom.

D.

I feel you can never be too close to grandparents. I am 38 yrs old and some of my best childhood memories are my friday night sleepovers with my dad's parents. I still see my grandmother (91 yrs old) on a regular basis and she fully enjoys my 5 1/2 yr old. My parents started the same friday night sleepover tradition with my son when he stopped nursing (about 6 or 7 months old) and he looks forward to it every week & is disappointed when something comes up and he can't stay. I also have to note here that my dad brings him to school and picks him up every day as I work out of town and my husband works an odd night shift (leaves before I get home and is usually not home when I leave during the week). Even though my dad does not always listen to requests of keeping the junk food away I don't know what I would do without him. My son always says he would rather live with my parents because I don't let him do what he wants. With this I tell him "if you lived with Granny & Pepe they would not be so much fun because they would have to say no just like I do". After a night like this, the next morning is usually a "mom your the best mommy ever" "I love you so much" type day. My point is do not take offense, your son does not love them more than you, they are just more fun & thats what he likes.

Hope this brings some comfort to you.

what alot of people don't realize is that here in america, we don't do anything like other countries do. in the majority of family households across the world, the whole family lives together in the same house. houses get passed on to the eldest and so forth for generations, and kids are raised by everyone. "it takes a village to raise a child". what we see as abnormal is actually just the opposite in most cases. my father passed away before i even met my husband, and i grieve that he never knew my children. i have two sets of grandparents that are both insanely involved in my kid's lifes. as long as everyone is on board with the same rules, then i don't see a huge problem with the kids liking someone more than me, they're kids, their minds change probably every 3 seconds. lol. there are life experiences they will be able to learn from the g'rents. at the end of the day, even if they don't show it, they still know who their mommy and daddy are. it's still you they will call out for when they're sick or hurt, and in the future years, it's you that will be driving them to softball or track or what have you. the only kids who actually grow up thinking their grandparents are really their parents are the ones with moms and dad's who bail. so don't stress, enjoy the extra time you get with your hubby, having the grandparents around, if they're good people, will only make your child's life more rich.

I say, and it seems like others say the same, Count Your Blessings! I do understand the hurt you and your husband may feel that your son might prefer to spend time with your parents. It's probably a lot more fun. They are probably not as stressed out by the daily grind as you and your husband are. But deep down you know your son knows who his parents are and that he loves you and your husband the most. Get over the jealousy and move on and appreciate what you have. The only time I would have an issue is if your parents are contradicting any rules you and your husband lay down about the way you want to raise your son.

Your son is very lucky to have that many loving people in his life. My 4yo daughter luckily has the same realationship with my ex husbands parents.. She would rather be with them than him or I anyday! I am grateful for the love and attention. Don't sweat it.. Your son knows who his parents are, and he always will. cheers

Hi M., grandparents are a tough subject. I know that once we started having kids we made a firm decision to stay home for Christmas. Tough choice for family to understand. The reason I share that is because you now have your own family and need to make decisions that make your family healthy and happy. On one hand I am jealous because my parents live so far away and my mom In law seems as she could care less about spending time with her grandkids and she couldn't live closer unless she moved in. My Dad in law however was fantastic. Spent as much time as he could ( he worked next to our apt) he absolutely loved the kids. When my son was standing he would watch out the window for grandpa. Who stopped every morning. He died 5 years ago my son was 3 1/2 my daughter only 1. When we would go out which wasn't often and told him we had gotten a babysitter he would say we were crazy and that he would bbsit. Once he was ready to come over and I told him my son wasn't in bed yet his response I didn't want them in bed. He'd watch Disney movies with them. Well I could go on sorry. Needless to say we all miss him very much. But I also understand it could be overbearing in some cases. You and your parents need to find a happy medium try to explai. It as nicely as possible( how grateful you are but that you want more " family" time to establish routine and separate memories. Hopefully they will understand. Think if your mom ever shared stories of her mom or in law and try to compare. But try not to alienate them. It is trully a gift to have them alive and involved happily. It's hard to see that now this early on I. Your so a life but later you and your husband will appreciate a little extra help. LITTLE being key :-)
Good luck to you if I can be of more help feel free to contact me.
M.

Hello M.,
I am a grandmother of two beautiful grandchildren.I would love to spend all the time with them ,but I live about an hour away.I think it is good they have grandparents to be able to spend time with.Just think of it this way that if anything ever happehed to you and your husband that they will always have someone to be with.Grandparents are very special to your children also,they are part of the family also.Like I said I wish I could spend more time with them.Just try to explain to your child that you are the parents and you want to do things with him.Just tell the grandparents you need to spend time with also,ask them if it would be alright if they spend time with him on the weekends.

My parents live 3 miles from us and our situation was very similar to yours (first grandchild, young grandparents, very, very helpful...) My advice is, don't push them away! As soon as you have another baby, you will be SO THANKFUL for your parents!! Also, in my experience, most babies go through phases where they like one parent (or grandparent) "better" than another. This usually just lasts for a short while. So your husband might be feeling bad right now, but try not to let him take it so personally.

Well I am in the opposite boat. 3/4 grandparents are alive & only willing to see our 2year old on their terms...we do all the traveling. So we moved across the country waiting for the relationship to be more reciprocal...nothing changed. They just see it as easier now for us to continue making all of the effort. Needless to say, we grieve that our daughter does not have much of a relationship with her grandparents. And we feel like idiots for leaving a place we called home. But we can't have everything.
I recognize that this does not mean that you want to hear, "you are lucky, so just appreciate it," although sometimes it helps to have someone remind us how green our grass is (referring to the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side"). I did have an idea for your husband though. Perhaps he could spend some more one on one time with your son or find a special activity that just the two of them like to do together in the house. I think it can be tough for the fathers when babies are young because the mother plays such a primary role in the caretaking, and with two other energetic "parents" I can see how he might feel replaced.
Hope it helps.
K.

M.,
I can see how that might be hard, but to be honest with you it's also hard to have it both ways. If you want to work then you need to have someone who you trust to take care of your child. Your parents were perfect and more than willing... if you had hired a nanny right off the bat your child would have attached to her the same way. I can see maybe cutting back on the social visits if they are watching your child on a regular basis so that you can have family time but who better for your child to form such a bond with, if it can't be you, than his grandparents. I was very lucky to have my grandparents live right next door to me when I was growing up and the relationship I had with them is something I will always treasure. My boys have all four of their grandparents within ten minutes and when they show up at our door we are non exsistant to them, and i would have it no other way. You are his parents and that will never change. Unless they are over stepping boundaries and doing things you don't approve of with your child or not taking direction from you as far as how his needs are met or his schedule, I would say you are VERY lucky to have parents who are so willing to give such a huge amount of time to your child.

M. - honestly, I don't think you have a problem at all. I think its so very special that your son gets to spend so much time with his grandparents. And that your son enjoys being with them and is so comfortable around them. I wouldn't, for a second, be jealous of that. Instead, you should feel blessed that you have your parents around to experience the joy of grandparenting. Your son knows who his parents are and there is no way you can be replaced. And when you are out with your son and parents, enjoy the break when he wants to be with your father instead of you!

I can completely relate to how you are feeling. We lived with my mother in law for about a year when my son was almost one until he turned two. Now that he is three, he calls my MIL his "new mother". He also refers to my MIL and grandmother-in-law as his new parents. He often tells me that he don't love me as much as he loves his grandmother. The big difference is that he is not the first grandson, he is the 7th but that doesn't make much of a difference. My parents are both passed so they are his only grandparents he has. He will also tell me that the reason he likes them better is that I am too yelly. He always cries when we leave their house just to visit for the day because always wants to spend the night. He does hurt all of us, especially the night we had to pick him up and carry him out of the house.

I really don't have an answer for you as I haven't figured out how to really deal with it myself except that I think my MIL does know that it bothers me. (Especially when she made the comment that I better be nicer to him!) I just keep telling myself that it is just a phase, that he does still love me and that he only feels that way because he gets so much more attention and not as many no's with her than he does with me.

Obviously it goes without saying that your son is a very lucky little boy. But I think that if it is hurting you and your husbands feelings and you feel like it is taking away from your special times with your son then you need to just be honest with your parents. Just tell them that you are so grateful for them, but that it really makes you feel bad that he prefers them over you and your husband. Just ask them if they can help you work on ways to change the situation a little. Explain to them how hard it is already to leave him to go to work and just say that it makes it even harder to not feel as needed as you would like. I'm sure that if you chose your words wisely then there will not be any hurt feelings. As much as your parents love your son, I'm sure they would feel bad to know how hurt you and your husband are. But do try to also look at the big picture here. These are his grandparents. Their job is to shower your child with love and attention. My three older kids would push me out of the way to get to their grandparents any day of the week! Lol. I used to live with my in-laws when my oldest was your sons age, so I definitely know what you are feeling! It can be hurtful but I promise you that as they get older you will be more comfortable with it. Good luck!

Hello M. -
I'm a grandmother of an 8 1/2 year old boy. I no longer get to see my grandson. When he was born my daughter and his father were having their difficulties. I helped my daughter out as much as I could and my grandson became very close to me. Me daughter eventually met a man and later married him. As their marriage progressed I was slowly eliminated from my grandson's life. I haven't seen him since Christmas. I'm only allowed to see him in my daughter's presence. I realize the importance of a parent/child relationship. I also understand my daughter is married and my grandson has a step father. However, when she needed me, I was always there. Now I'm not needed and perhaps she feels threatened so I'm no longer allowed to spend 1-1 time with my grandson. My advice, what's in the best interest of your child. I do not believe my daughter has her son's best interest at heart by keeping us separated. My best wishes to you, M.

M.,

The fact that your son cries when you leave him with the nanny and doesn't when left with your parents should speak volumes. You are so lucky to have parents who love you and your son so much! Dump the nanny - I would much rather have family taking care of my children over a stranger.

Yes there is some jealousy there, and that's understandable. At the same time you have to think what is best for your son - being with a stranger (the nanny), or with family (your parents) and put the jealousy aside for the sake of the well being of your son.

If it bothers you that much, you could set boundaries and it sounds like you have, but I wouldn't punish my family because my son loves being with them.

I don't mean to be harsh, so please don't take it that way - I'm trying to see what's best for the child.

Good luck to you and keep us posted!!

Yes, I can relate to this, in a different way. I am the grandmother of my first grandson, who went through the exact same thing as your son is. I babysat my grandson from infancy to the day he went to kindergaren. It is very normal for your son to be so attached to his grandparents. He sees them almost everyday, and as grandparents they can give him all their undivied time, love and attention, that sometimes parents cannot do because of work, and other responsibilites. (I am not saying you do not spend time nor love your son) I am just saying as a grandparent it is different than being the parent. About the same age as your son, my grandson would literally have a crying fit when I left to go home. He much preferred being in my company, than his parents. It was very difficult on his mother.

As he grew older and went to Nursery School and had different experiences,he became less attached to me. He is now 5 years old, in school, and I do not babysit him anymore. He is very attached to his mother (who is now single), and just loves to see me. We have a wonderful bond, that we will both have forever.

I know it is difficult for you and your husband right now, but please remember what is important, that your son it being cared for by grandparents who love and adore him. Consider yourselves very fortunate that you have the help of your parents, unfortunately, most people do not. This will pass, and something else will take its place, like potty training, deciding on a Nursery School and eventually going to school.

Your son knows who his parents are, and that will never change.

Good luck to all of you.

Hey! I have a similar situation. I have a 15 month old boy and my parents live 5 minutes away. So we are always over there or they are at our house. My mother also watches him on Fridays. This morning actually she came over and when I left my san just waved by to me. He did not even care. I dont take this personally. I think of it like I am fortunate (for me and my son) to have family so close that enjoys spending time with him. They always want to see him!! I know what you mean though, it is tough. But know that you guys are his parents and that is something your parents could not replace!!

Hi M.,

I can appreciate your disappointment that you feel that your baby is forming a closer relationship to your parents than yourself. The reality is it is natural for a baby to form a close bond with a primary caregiver. In fact, it is essential to healthy development. In the days when mom did not work outside the home it was obvious who this person would be. Often to the dismay of dad!

Although I understand your frustration, if you want or have to, work outside the home, someone has to care for your son. You should be thrilled to have someone who cares so much for your son (and you). That being said there have to be ground rules. Please explain your feelings to mom and dad. If you include them in your feelings of sadness they will more likely appreciate what you are saying and will aid in promoting the parental bond that is so essential for both your husband and you and your son.

If you wait until jealousy takes hold, you might strike out with anger and alienate your parents. Everyone loses if that happens.

You also have the right to have your parents respect your household rules regarding parenting techniques, etc. If they are caring for your son on a regular basis, that is different than if they were simply taking him on occasional weekends. Likely, your parents, especially your dad, have more time to spend with your son than they did when you were a child. That doesn't mean it is appropriate to overindulge.

This is a delicate subject, wrought with emotion, but, it is important that you address it promptly to avoid feelings of resentment. I am sure you know your parents love you and your baby. I don't think it is necessarily best to resign yourself to using professional care when you have loving, caring grandparents who are eager and willing to help. Plus you save money!

You do need to discuss this with your parents as soon as possible. And be honest. Frequently we can't admit our own basic emotions of jealousy and resentment so we wait until we blow. Don't be afraid to show your sadness when explaining how you feel, but try to do it without blaming your parents. Many therapists suggest practising what you will say by saying "I" and trying to avoid saying "you" when discussing your feelings.

Your parents, also, are so busy enjoying the love of this little guy that they are not probably not being honest either and may be acting a little selfish with this new relationship they have formed. Remember, babies grow quickly and the relationship will change as baby gets older especially for your husband. You have a long way to go. And remember, someday your husband and you will be the grandparents! lol

God Bless you and congratulations on you first born.

J. L.

M., I feel your pain! I am in the same boat exactly...my husbands father lives across the street and comes over every day. When my son was born he and my MIL who are divorced but have a good relationship, practically lived here. I was breastfeeding all the time and my FIL was always around, staying near me and it felt very uncomfortable, apparently only to me. My son is now 18mths and reacts the same way as your describing...gets crazy over his Pa...ignores my own father and I know that hurts him...but the man is here all the time, it is only natural. I've had playdates where my FIL will come over and then it is all over for the other child because my FIL will play with my son and it is just inappropriate, I've had to actually say not to play wiht him when he has a friend over. And I know what you mean, it is so nice to have my son and him to have a great loving relationship but it actually negativley affects my family and takes time away from even my husband and I enjoying our son together. I try every day to think of ways to say certain things but can't come up with a way to not hurt feelings. My MIL is wonderful but won't put my son down when we have family get togethers like Thanksgiving and it makes it hard for other people to spend time with him. I know they don't mean it negatively they just adore him...please let me know if you come up with any good responses. Actually what did you say to them at first...it sounds like you did talk to them at one point...

You should count your blessings. Your son is going to always love you, and as he grows older, he will differentiate between you and your parents, and give you love equally. He's 15 months and eager to be with them because that is he who he spends more time with. My mom is the greatest and she has done so much for me and my son since he has been born (she still does his laundry every week) but she has never kept him overnight and I would give anything for a break. So many people have no support system at all. Good luck.

M.,

I think that it's great your son has been very fortunate to have such a close relationship with your parents. My first son was watched by my parents from birth and he became very attached to them. He also did find comfort with my Dad (grandpa) moreso that anyone else. I used to talk to my husband and ask if he felt bad about him sometimes prefering my Dad for comfort. He didn't and he understood that he just had a very close relationship with him. One thing my Dad tried to do was be there for my son(s), but when we (the parents) were there - he would try to step back a bit so that my husband would be the forefront. Not taking away time with my son(s), just incorporating my husband more.

Now that they have gotten older (3 and 4 yrs old), there isn't that feeling of any discomfort or threat of who anyone is closer too. We embraced it and I think at that age it is truly normal for him to attach himself to the grandparents.

I completely feel that it's a wonderful thing and that your husband will find that his son loves him with all of his heart. I've read and heard how healthy it is for babies and children to have bonding relationships with other close family members. Plus it is such a wonderful thing that your parents are able to spend time and enjoy these invaluable years with their grandchild.

My inlaws watch my children 2 days a week and my parents 1 day a week and they visit another day. Both sets see the children atleast 2 times a week and talk more. As the children get older the time with them will become shorter... so I say let everyone bond and enjoy those moments now !!

I'm not an expert, just someone who went through the same thing. I learned that having my family around to help is great and knowing that I'm lucky they are here to help me. I rely on the close relationship my children have with both mine and my husbands parents that make it easier on us when we have to work or leave.

It's great for me to see the love shared and I know my children will be happier and more confident little ones as they grow.

Good luck!
T.

You have definitely hit a nerve with this one - a very complex subject I think. I have only one grandchild - 14 months now, and I just adore her. I also adore my daughter, her Mom, and am so happy she has such a darling child, and want to help her out in any way possible. It is very tempting to just step in and take over, so ever since the beginning I have made a big effort to defer to my daughter in all matters pertaining to my granddaughter. I take care of her 2-3 days a week (I didn't want to be the fulltime caretaker), but I do whatever my daughter asks me to do with her and follow her rules as much as I possibly can. Now that she is a toddler, she has formed obvious attachments, but I always talk about her "Mama" to her and when her Mama comes to get her I take a back seat as much as possible. I hear what others have said about how you should feel lucky, and of course you should, but this is your child, your first child, perhaps a once in lifetime experience, and you are entitled to your feelings and getting to be there for your baby's "firsts." I have to say as a grandparent, it is hard, and I haven't always been perfect - I have crowed a few times about a few of my granddaughter's "firsts" that she experienced with me, but I do try to keep it to a minimum. All grandparents should take care in this respect, to not step all over their children's toes in the name of "all that they are doing for their grandchildren." Face it, we are enjoying the heck out of it. I would recommend having a heart to heart talk with your parents and just telling them that you truly appreciate everything they do but that you need some space and time with your child too.

Hi M., I understand what you're going through, been through a bit similar myself. I feel that you should just let it go. You've already talked to them about it - then you should just be happy that your child has so much love & support. Grandparents can play a huge role in a child's life. My boys simply adore my mother-in-law, my mom & my dad. The go bonkers for my mother in law though. & I think it's simply wonderful.

If you're so concerned with them spending time with you - then make a dinner date w/them or go out shopping w/ur mom or to a movie - have ur hubby go fishing w/ur dad. MAKE the time to be alone w/ur parents. Otherwise, LET THEM enjoy your son & vice versa. One day (evne though they're young now) they won't be so young & won't be able to do as much -they're making the most of it now - as they should!

just breathe & relax & trust me, your kid loves you .... dont ever think otherwise. good luck

I read your entry and was so saddened by it. I have lost my folks and once they are gone - they are gone forever. My older kids really miss them. Meanwhile, my in-laws are extremely involved with my kids. They provide unconditional love constantly - and although sometimes I felt left out, I never said anything, and now that they are older, my kids love me, my husband, and their grandparents equally. Please allow your son to be close with your folks - it's really not about you - it's about what's best for your son. And unconditional love and the best care should be fully appreciated while they are still alive.

Hi M.,
You've gotten some pretty good advice here. I would agree that as long as you and your parents have the same rules for your child, then you shoud be okay.
My children have two sets of living grandparents. WHile mine were not the first grandchildren in either family, they are well loved by both sets.
I often felt envious of my sister in law who had parents like your parents. Their son went out to breakfast each Sunday with his grandpa. Her parents took her son to Aruba etc. They doted on this child and he LOVED his grandparents..still does 15 yrs later!

I do feel for your husband. Often our husband put in very long hours at work so they miss out on so much of their child's day. I can understand his hurt feelings if your child seems to want Grandpa over Daddy. Its kind of like the feeling the husband gets when baby is born and mommy spends doting time on the child instead of on him...yes it is a little bit of a jealousy thing going on.

Someone gave great advice to have your husband spend one on one special time with your son. Maybe its a new Sunday mornings out to b'fast and the park with Daddy and Daddy only. Have him establish a day that is 'daddy day' this time will be remembered and cherished for years to come.

I know you were looking for advice and not 'you're so lucky' but step back a minute and see how lucky you are. I know it feels like your parents are over stepping bounderies in your mind but embrace this time for as children grow quick so do our parents age and are gone from our lives.