Baby Prefers Mother-in-law

Enjoy that you have a "break" new mom or not. Typically, baby's can sense when someone is stressed or not. MIL probably is very calm and caring when holding the baby and Fiona is picking up on the comfort thing. Holding a crying baby for 30 minutes would stress the best first time mom out! Relax, enjoy MIL, and know that it's good for the baby to have that comfort. It's also good for her to know that others can comfort her, not just mom, dad , or daycare. T.

What a pickle! On the one hand, it's great your MIL is there but on the other hand, 3 months is a long time! Some of you routine will be thrown out the window but I'd say try to stick to your normal routine as much as possible. Your daughter will probably appreciate that & it will make things go smoothly for your whole family. If you don't send her for the 3 months your MIL is here, then your daughter might have a hard time returning back to her routine once grandma leaves. Maybe let her stay home one day of the week w/your MIL or pick your daugher up early from daycare. Explain this to your husband & then the 2 of you can explain it together to your MIL so you present a united front. Since you work, you really need time alone w/your baby & your MIL should be consideraste of that & not 'hog' the baby. Your MIL is clearly excited about the new baby. Take advantage of the free babysitting...you can run errands w/o a baby in tow. I have 2 boys & when I have to shop or run errands w/both, it's just hell. I end up not getting things done! You & hubby can also get out for dinner, the movies, drinks or even a walk w/o the expense of a babysitter. I know it will be hard but the time will pass & you'll be glad your daughter got to know her grandma & visa versa. Hope this helps & good luck!

Hi M.,

I think you are over-reacting, but it's just because you're a new mother & that's what new mother's do. : )
If I were you, I would first work on convincing my husband that it is best for the baby's development if she sticks as closely to her schedule as possible. Suggest that you take her to daycare as usual, but maybe compromise & let Grandma have her for one day a week while she's in town. Convince your husband that the baby will have a very hard time readjusting to daycare otherwise. If it works, once you have him convinced, have HIM break the news to his mom.
Another thing you can try is to work out a schedule for the baby that involves both mom & Grandma time after you get home. For example, you could explain to Grandma that you would like X amount of time to hold baby when you get home. If Grandma is holding her when you arrive, you can ask her to put the baby down on the floor for a few minutes & then you can pick her up after she's had time to adjust, or if she fusses. This way, you will not be taking her directly from Grandma's hands. You can also work out a deal where you will take care of bath time and bed time, and Grandma can help with some of the feedings and diapers, or whatever works for you. if you want baby to have some time playing alone, schedule that in, too. Let Grandma know what you are doing & why you feel it is best for your baby. This should not be as hard for you to talk over with Grandma, since you are just trying to set up a workable schedule for your baby & not trying to keep her away from her. Remind her that you are a first time mom & away from the baby for a lot of the day, so you need to have all the practice time you can get taking care of her.

I wish you luck!
C. : )

Dear M.,

Boy can I relate! My nemisis was hubby though, my baby prefered him. But just remember that Fiona has had 4 months to bond with you. And this is a good thing that she is able to accept a new person. You don't want to keep your little girl sheltered forever, and this is a family member so it is a good thing.
Also try to see this from your MIL point of view. You said she lives out of the countryso she might be thinking she not be back for quite a while so she wants to get as much of Fiona as possible while she is here. Fiona will still be yours when grandma leaves; try to look at it as a blessing, a built in babysitter at night! Make some much needed special time w/ hubby and go on some dates. Or send grandma and baby on a walk and clean out that closet you've been putting off. Another positive perspective to take is, she lives far away and this won't happen often. It's all about how to look at it.
Mine positive attitude was - hey, I can get some sleep, I can actually do dishes while sonnyboy wants daddy, hey I can go out to lunch to see my girlfriends!
If you really don't want grandma to watch her for 3 days a week, say so - gently but firmly, reminding her that this is Fiona's schedule and you want to keep her to it, routines are the best for babies.
Good luck and sweet blessings to your family.

Fiona Rae is attaching to the caregivers who are most constant in her life. Before your MIL arrived, she was attached mostly to you, your husband, and the daycare provider. Now that your MIL is here all of the time, she is attaching most to her. For your baby, this is a good thing. It's important for her to have strong attachments so that she develops in an emotionally and psychologically healthy way. The fact that Fiona Rae does attach well to someone is a really good thing. I know this doesn't ease your mama heart. The more time you can be her primary caregiver the more she will attach to you. Can you possibly be a stay-at-home-mom or at least work only part-time? This would be the best for both you and your baby. She would then be soundly attached to you no matter who comes in or out of her life.

Hi, I have just one baby, my son who is 15 months LOVES his grampa more than anything. My mother-in-law also babysits him all week while my husband I work full-time. It was a struggle for me at first to be second or even third to gramma and grampa, but the more I thought about it, the more I appreciated the time to myself. It's funny because when I take a few days off for a long weekend, by the end of it, it's ME that he doesn't want to leave, and me that becomes number 1. And again, after a full week with the grandparents, it's all about them. For you, I think it's unfortunate that your MIL is visiting while your baby is still just a tiny little thing and you are still wanting to hold her all the time and be the best mommy. Just know, that in three months, when your mother in law leaves, it's all about you again. And most likely, before that. The more time she spends with your MIL, the more you'll see her coming back to you for some mommy love. She knows who the mommy is. Just relax, and keep yourself busy. It was hard for me, but since my baby could tell when I was stressed, it was better for both of us.

Relax and have fun!

C.

I have been there! We lived with my in-laws after we first had our baby so that I could stay home. The only problem was that my MIL was at home, too as she had been recently laid off. Not only did it put a HUGE wedge between her and myself (who until that point I had loved dearly...and still do) but also a wedge between myself and my husband.
You have to stand up for your relationship with your baby, no matter what. Your husband may not understand but you need to keep on him about this. If the situation were reversed and he felt uncomfortable around your parents, then wouldn't you talk to them on his behalf? He IS in the middle of this whether he wants to be or not. Keep sending your daughter to daycare, but relent and let her stay with your MIL one day a week. This way your MIl gets some one on one time, but you also can keep your daughter's routine and relationships at daycare (and I would tell her that is the reason, so as to spare her feelings). As for one on one time for you and your daughter, does your MIL have hobbies she could take up here? Maybe she can cook your family dinner and that could be when you're with just your baby. I also held on to our night routine and was the only one to put our baby to bed (easy to explain because I was nursing). Above all, you will get through this! Three months, in retrospect, will come and go quickly. Plus, you may enjoy the extra help...it just takes adjustment on all sides to see it as "help". Good luck!

Hi M., I can see you've gotten lots of good advice already and people have given great suggestions. I just want to let you know that I know how you feel. You are in no way a failure whatsoever, but I know the feeling.

I just wanted to say be grateful that you MIL will be there only 3 months! I know it seems like forever, but the time will pass quickly. I live with my in-laws and I live in your current situation every day!!

My boyfriend is from a very traditional Chinese family (so you can imagine how thrilled they were when he chose me as his partner, not being Chinese) and we all live together in the same household. We have one son together, our only child, the only grandchild for both our families. His parents were SOOOOOOOO excited to have a firstborn son to their firstborn son, besides being the first grandchild!

I'm going a bit crazy in this situation. My MIL, from day one, monopolizes my son and acts as if he is HER son. I could write a novel on the things she's done, the fights we've had, the aggravations that burden me...but I'll keep it short.

In short, I work full-time. My MIL cares for the baby all day. I feel like I have no time with my son. When I get home he's sleeping or they've taken him somewhere. I get only a couple hours with him before bedtime and even then my boyfriend's family monopolizes him. I have to share my son with my boyfriend and his entire family every day.

Even more frustrating to me is that my boyfriend's parents don't speak English and I haven't been able to learn their dialect well enough to communicate. My MIL has utterly opposite ideas of raising children than I do, but she's "right" because she raised 4 children in 4 different countries. The family discounts whatever I have to say. I have repeatedly asked my boyfriend to speak to his parents, but he refuses. He says he won't be the "middle man." In time I've become a raving witch just to get my point across and to demand compliance with my wishes for MY son. When they do understand what I'm getting at, they argue with me.

All of that just to say, I know how you feel. When my son was born, my MIL took him and I didn't even see him until I needed to breastfeed him (which she is ardently against and we still fight about this). My son preferred his daddy from the moment he was born, then he loved my in-laws. Everyone else, including me, was somewhere in the lower ranks of his affections. I only got to see him when he was a red-faced, screaming, writhing mass of frustration because he was hungry. As he got older I don't think I ever made it onto his radar. When he was about 6 months old, however, he started to cry whenever I left for work.

Now, however, he knows who I am and I think he even prefers me to everyone else! When I get home from work he yells and toddles over to me and gives me "kisses" when I pick him up and hug him. He cries whenever I leave the room. I still have to share him, but I have to admit to a petty satisfaction whenever he yells and kicks because someone takes him from my lap.

In the end, all I can say to you is that, while your MIL is here, just be glad that she loves your baby so much. That's the only thing I can think of to keep me from going over the edge with my in-laws. At the end of the day, no matter how much I despise them and disagree with them, they truly love my son and want what's best for him (even if we have opposite ideas of what's "best"), just like me.

Same thing happened with me...except it was my own mother!!! She also came to help me while I recovered from CANCER!!! and my children both wolud preffer her over me, then my husband, and last but not least ME!!! Iwas upset at first...but more worried about the kids...since she had to leave sooner or later...How would they feel if she was gone?!!! But they were fine after she left...thy did look around for her for 2 or 3 days...now after 5 months she came back and now I am #1 my hubby #2 and my mother #3...
but you see, you should feel lucky...because children are good at reading people!!! That means your mother in law really really loves your child and can feel sure she will treat you daughter as if it was her own!!!! Let her help you...she has to leave soon anyway...its not like she will take your baby away!!! Once she is gone, all things will change!!! And you will see!!! Take advantage of the free love she can provide your daughter...it is priceless!!! I would be really disturbed if she disliked her...cuz that would tell you otherwise!!! Love, G.. :0)

Not sure if this is the advice you're looking for, but I think at different stages different people are #1 with kids. Sometimes it's Mom, sometimes it's Dad, sometimes it's a grandparent or babysitter. I'm sure it hurts at this early stage to see her preferring someone else, but in my opinion you're very fortunate that you have so much support with your newborn and that she is willing to happily go with other people. I'm sure that you ultimately are your daughter's number 1 and she understands that, but at this stage of fast development she may have come to associate your MIL with something we can't even dream up. This is likely a stage that too will pass as hard as it might be to get through. Maybe someone will have more proactive words, but just wanted to chime in with my experience raising twins. Congratulations on your daughters birth.

I know how painful it can be when you see your baby light up for someone else, but you have to keep reminding yourself that she is your baby, you are the only mother she will ever have, and you will have plenty of time with her. The bonds she forms with other people are good for them and for her, because they expand her circle and what if something happens to you? (G-d forbid!) My first child went through a Daddy phase when he was about 1 and I ceased to exist for a while. It hurt, but I tried to take the long view, and I took advantage of that time and did a weekend spiritual retreat, which was a great experience, and he didn't even miss me. Well, that's the only time in the last 11 years that he hasn't missed me when I've been away from him. He is still totally a Momma's boy, and we are very close. My three kids have alternately preferred my husband and I and the grandparents at various times, but that weekend was the only guilt-free time away I have managed in all these years. Take a deep breath, try to enjoy seeing your baby happy in someone else's arms, and the pleasure your MIL gets from her (and having your hands free for a change), and before you know it, she will be gone and yours will be full again for the forseeable future.

Hope that helps!

Babies go through stages. If it bugs you, leave with your baby or take a bath with her. Usually when the other person is out of sight they are also out of mind. At least for the next few months anyway. By about 6 months, she'll discover object permenance! As long as have baby and you want her tell your MIL that it is your special bonding time with baby. Don't feel like a failure, it is only a phase. If you are nursing, use that as an excuse to keep baby to yourself! Oh, and as for MIL watching baby, tell her you want your baby to stay "socialized" with the other children so you'd prefer not to take her out of daycare, plus you are still paying for the service! Good luck!

dont feel bad. I had severe complications from the birth of my baby. (everythings okay now) but for the first 3 months i was in so much pain i could barely hold my baby for 20 minutes at a time. my husband held the baby for most of her first 3 months. when i started feeling better and he went back to work....yep.....all she would do is cry when i held her. at first i felt really horrible, i felt like she didnt want to be with me, i felt very rejected. but this went away on its own. babies ALWAYS prefer their mommy eventually!!!!!!!!!now she wont go to anyone else. ps. can i borrow YOUR mother in law?????????

It is very lucky for your daughter to have a close relationship with her grandmother. Lucky for her, lucky for you. Ultimately, seems to me us mama's are generally both the best and the worst.
Enjoy your time off.

Babys will go though stages of wanting one parent over the other. My oldest daughter as a baby would go between her father and myself as her favorites. Be glad your mother in law wants to help. Did you have a good conection with a grandparent or aunt or uncle? Well this is how it starts. My parents are both passed away as well as my father in law...my mother in law lives back east and I wish my children could have the blessing of grandparents. She is going to be gone in three months and you will still be there. I dont know if you are working full time or why the baby is in daycare but if you really want the baby to bond to you and your husband...you need to be with that baby all the time. ...Ps....If your baby only wants you...you ll never get a shower...go to the bathroom alone or have two seconds to yourself to think....I am not saying its a bad thing...but sometimes a mom needs a break too....

WOW a mother in law, how lucky your child is to have extended family who wants to be around. Love her, allow her and let her grow. You deserve it. Your daughter knows where to find love. She also knows that grandma is not going to be around forever. Let her enjoy her gandmother while she can. You will be happier for it, you all will be.

B.
www.HeyYouGetReal.com

It will be ok, let the baby bond with her grandma, my first did this with my mom (eaiser if its mommys mom I am sure) but she goes back to another country soon and no one can replace mom to a baby. Dont worry, be glad, it is more frustrating if gramma wants to be close and baby doesnt because then you dont want to force baby to go to her but grandma wants to hold her ect. ect.
use this time to re-connect with hubby some and get some "me" time in for yourself. I know its hard for a first time mommy but just try to relax and know that your her mom and your bond with her will be there for a lifetime not just 3 months.
God Bless,
(enjoy all family your a lucky lady!)
Merry Christmas

Oh my dear...try not to let this get you so worked up. Babies at this age are finicky little people. One minute they need Momma, then they only want Daddy, then Grandma. I know it hurts the first time it happens...after all, you were the one they lived inside for all those months. Try to look at the big picture tho. Your daughter is learning to form relationships with other people. That's a really good thing. I'm sure by the time your MIL leaves in 3 months, your daughter will have become glued to someone else (maybe you again, maybe someone else).

I don't think you should worry about it to much. I have had two similar experiences. First was with my niece. She would cry unless she was with her mom or with me. My sister was OK with it most of the time because it gave her a chance to breath and get some things done. But some times she felt a little jealous because her daughter wouldn't want to go back to her. She is now 8. She is a happy, normal, outgoing and smart girl.

My second experience is with my son. He is almost 2 and a half. He goes crazy over family visiting. He wants all attention from that person and nothing to do with myself or my husband. This is especially true with my mother-in-law. She usually stays with us for a week or two. I think I take it well. I am a stay at home mom and have him 24-7. It's my husband who takes it hard. When it's just us and Dad comes home from work my son is exited to see him come home. But when Granny is here he doesn't want anything to do with his dad. When Granny goes back home my son is back jumping into Dad's arms when he comes home from work.

Take this time for your self and your husband. It's good for her to spend time with her grandma. Especially if they don't see each other often. This has nothing to do with you and your parenting. Your daughter spends most of her time with you. Grandma is someone who is new for the moment and that she can connect to and feel safe with.

Hope this helps. Good luck.
Lisa

HUGS!! Try and take it all with a grain of salt, knowing that in a few months, she will be gone, and this is one of the few bonding times they will have over the course of your daughter's life. Her love for you is not being replaced, just shared with somebody else who loves her to pieces, Grandma. And realize that over the course of the next few weeks, Grandma will possibly take a less dramatic role, as the newness of it all wears off. And I think her watching her in the day is a great idea, since maybe by evening, she will have gotten her fill somewhat. I would also be a bit more assertive, or have your husband explain that since you've been gone all day, in the evenings and on the weekends you want your special time with her. I hope this helps, and the sharing becomes easier.

i know how you feel, believe me. at least your m-i-l is from out of country and is staying w/you for only 3 mos. i think i'd rather pick that arrangement for my own m-i-l :) JUS KIDDING! btw, u can read my request re: my m-i-l and then you'll know how i feel about her....

anyways, i know it's going to be a very difficult 3 mos; but try to make the most of it as you can. since she's gonna be there and she's offering to care for your child...let her. then when ur home, tell her (in a nice way) to get some rest herself (away from baby) and that ur gonna take over. would u consider bringing the baby to daycare at least a day or two during the week? u might have to keep that going because ur baby might have to adjust again after 3 mos when m-i-l leaves. also be open w/ur husband and let him know how u feel and what bothers you.

anyways, hope that helps. good luck and let us know how it turns out.

You say your mother in law is from out of the country, this could be a cultural thing. My mom is japanese and she came to help me with my two kids about 3 months after I gave birth. With the first baby she was doing alot and I felt the same that my son thought maybe she was mom. I felt bad and I felt that I was also a failure. Especially because I worked hard in educating myself with all kinds of baby things and development things I still felt like a failure. To top it off my son was over stimulated by touch. Couldn't hold, hug and kiss him. Made me feel even worse. I hug, held and kissed him anyways but what really helped was the infant massage with him to help ease the over stimulation. At the age three I can still massage him to sleep when he is over tired and I get all the hugs, kisses and love I want.

But be aware my mom was here for three months I stressed out but once my mom was gone reality hit and the stress was worse. I was the one to care for him 24/7 with my husband. Things were h*** o* the both of us. I think I threatened him with a divorce 1000 or million times. So be happy that she is there to help but also ask your husband to have your mom give you some time with her alone. That if your MIL wanted to really help it will be helpful when you got home from work if she or your husband got dinner ready so that you could spend time with your baby after a long day you want to reconnect with her. (I suggest he does all the talking to the MIL , if he is anything like my husband and doesn’t like comfertation this will be hard at first but will get easier as time goes) And he makes it coming from him not you, Such as Mom you know what would be helpful when my wife comes home from work is maybe helping me make dinner so that she can have some time with the baby. She misses her so much when she is at work. This is non threatening to MIL too.

Anyways this really helped the second time around. I let my mom be with the baby when I wasn't able to and then when I was around I breast fed until about 2 months and then started the Moby Wrap and still do skin on skin to help keep the bond. I carry her as much as I can. When I go shopping I carry her we don't use the carrier/car seat I take her out of her car seat every time and carry her in the Moby wrap either facing me or out so she can see (I bring my stroller so if she falls asleep I do lay her down but sometimes I just use it to hold the diaper bag and things I buy) This way she is next to my heart.

Another great way to keep up the bond is bath time, infant massage, book and bed. (evening routines have that for you to do) It maybe crazy because you only have a few hours before you go to bed after work but little things add up and babies know who their mother is.

If she cries when you are trying to have the time together let her cry and try to sooth her by singing rocking if after a while it doesn’t work lay her down and try again. If you are frustrated she will sense that and make it worse. So even if she is crying you have to not let it bother you. (Go to a happy place) I can tell you more about his later if you want just let me know. Email is getting long.

PS my son and my daughter 4 months love me very much Your daughter loves you too and you are the mother and this will never change no matter what! She knows who you are.

Hope this helps
F.

Ahh, I do understand. It can be so hard! My MIL, whom I love dearly, watches my baby while I work. She plays with him constantly while she is here, I have to elbow her out of the way to get to my baby. I work at home, so I do like to breastfeed when I can, and I like to go to him when he wakes up from his nap. But as soon as he makes a peep, I have to run to his room to be the first one there! When we go to her house, my husband and I, she whisks him away from me and sometimes it makes me mad. I am glad to have help, but since she is my daycare provider, I do think she needs to care for him on my terms. I do pay her a very small amount of money, it's all she will take. If she only saw him a few hours a week, I would not care, but during those days, I do give her direction, and she does listen, sometimes. I have asked her to let him play on his own one time a day, while she folds clothes or eats lunch, and keeps an eye on him to see that he is safe ( he is 12 months and walking) but she does not do it. THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME, because it makes him so overstimulated, then it is my job to nurse him to sleep, and he doesnt want to go to sleep, hes having too much fun, so is she really helping me???

SO, I have enlisted my husband, and he says he is ok with it, since it is HIS mom, he is going to talk to her about it, and let her know that he too thinks she should give the baby a little down time. I am trying really hard to not talk to her about it, because I believe my husband needs practice talking to his mom about feelings etc, so I am leaving it to him.

One time, we were out to dinner with his family, and I had not been with the baby all day, and I felt like my night job was to drive my baby around to places so his family could be with him. I got to the restaurant and she reached to take him from me, and I held on to him tight and said, actually I am going to hold him tonight. She was shocked, and the whole dinner was so tense because I had expressed my wishes, and I was in a bad mood, which was unusual for them to see. For about 3 weeks after that, he only wanted me. I think that I somehow projected my possessiveness onto him that night. Somehow he saw that MOm was asserting herself and wanted to be with him and she must have a good reason so she must be right!

All that said, you say that you can not talk to her openly about this, but you want to be number one. First of all, you are number one. She really likes to play with grandma, and grandma probably spoils her, grandma does not have to get up in the night, grandma only has 3 months and she is going to spend every SECOND she can with baby, and baby likes it. Our babies can be cranky with us, because they feel safe with us, it doesnt mean they dont want to be with us. If you want her to back off, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HER. Or get your husband to. Imagine how much easier it would be to talk to your own mom about these things. Well guess what, she IS his own mom, and he can do it. You can probably help him find some kind words to talk to her about it. If it were my husband, I would be ok with whatever he had to say to get it out there - he can call me hormonal, whatever, as long as he talks to her.

The only other thing I can suggest is, sometimes I just make light of it and elbow her out of the way. That might be what she expects. I say "HEY! That's my baby!", and I cutely run over and elbow her out of the way. OR "HEY! I wanna hold my baby" Luckily I have always breastfed, and he doesnt like to take a bottle, so I always have that time with him. Grandma probably thinks she is helping, she knows how hard it is, if you can keep your words coming from your feelings, how can she resist "I want to be with my baby?"

Hi, my name is jeanne.. i am 45 yrs old.. i was 16 when my daughter was born.. my mother-in-law only had boys.. so she was very excited that i had a girl.. when my daughter was 3 months old she watched her so i could go to school, when i went to get my daughter and take her home we were sitting down to dinner and she was throughing a fit and my husband said that she couldnt go back to his mom, that she was acting like a spoiled brat.. but of course we did take her back. now my daughter is 29 yrs old and yes she has always been close to my daughter but you need to remember she is your daughter and that is just her grandma which is a wonderful feeling, you should let her have her thunder for now, she is not always going to be there.. i loved my mother-in-law very much and on the 17th of nov. she got killed but you know what i never denied her the right to keep my kids cause they were her life.. me being a grandma now, my daughter-in-law is really great as well to me and lets me have the kids when i want them. my grandson is the same, he wants to live with us, but as long as she is not trying to take over let her help out with the baby, believe me you will one day be in her shoes.dont be sad just be glad she is wanting to help you...thank you jeanne

Hi M.,

I can hear how frustrating your situation has become for you, in a very short amount of time. Three months is a long time for any visitor in your home. While it is great, actually, that your daughter is soothed by her grandma (the MIL) I was just thinking about your daughter not continuing in her "normal routine" and socialization with other at kids at her daycare. What I fear may happen is that when your MIL leaves, and if she continues to watch Fiona 3 days a week during this period of her visit, it may be a tough transition for all of you, back to daycare and your routine, when she departs (and Fiona will be 7 months at that time, which is like a different kid!). To avoid this becoming a sort of triangular tug-of-war between you and your husband and your MIL, over who is spending time with Fiona during the 3 month visit, I would suggest angling your conversation with your husband (because afterall it's his mom) around more your concern for breaking Fiona's routine and what's in her (your daughter's) best interest. Focusing on what's in your child's best interest is always a good approach to conversations, and should not be minimized just because she is only 4 months old. I hope that this response helps and hang in there. -T.

Oh, it would bother me too. That is good you're still sending her to day care 2 days a week. Maybe when you get home you can take her for a walk (if not too late) and especially on the w/ds take your baby out of the house because that is probably all you can do. My MIL and FIL were here for a week and I felt a bit like that. They were always in her face so I took her out sometimes just to get some downtime. I also said that I want to hold her when I'm home (before and after work) because I don't get to see her all day. I actually said that even though I felt weird saying it but I think they got the point. Hope this helps and I understand how you feel. J.
p.s. I also tried to remember that they just really love her so much and want to just be with her as much as possible as they don't live in the state.

I totally empathize with you. I know how it feels, and so does my husband. It is natural to feel as you do. PLEASE do not feel like a "failure." This is your first baby.In my case, my widowed mother lives with us. When we had my first child, it was also my Mother's first grandchild. My mother behaved EXACTLY as your MIL is acting. As "grandma"... she was all over the baby, and even took over without asking, holding and caring for the baby whenever we let her down, even for a second, my mother would swoop in and pick up the baby and not want to let her go. Yes, irritating. Yes, it irked us, as it does you in your case. Yes, our baby liked and loved Grandma. Babies have a different kind of "love" for their grandparents and bond with them too. It is good and blessed that the children even have a grandma. That is the big picture... that there is an extended family and our children have Grandma (because Grandpa already passed away). BUT... yes, your MIL will be there for 3 months. To you that's a long time, to MIL, it will go by all too quickly. MIL is enjoying every second she can with baby. It's great she loves her grandchild. Not all grandparents are so loving or warm. However, in our case, Grandmas have to "learn" how to be grandparents too.... and realize that the baby has "parents" too! After all, the Parents are still the Primary caretakers. In our case, we had to GENTLY "explain" to my Mother, that she has to give us time with the baby too. Yes, she didn't realize she was "monopolizing" the baby. She never meant to "disregard" our wishes or our daily routines or rules for our baby. And, since this is "my" mother... I spoke to her, on my husband's behalf, and explained that as a "MIL"... she has to be sensitive to Daddy too and that it is HIS child too, so she needs to RESPECT that... that being a Grandma does not give her unfettered reign over my Husband or baby or me. My Mother took it in stride, she hadn't realized she was being "selfish" over the baby and "rude" to us. All in all, we all get along great... but she had to "learn" what it is to be a Grandma, and to learn how to defer to us, as the Parents, before she swoops in and takes the baby from our arms or makes up her own rules about how to handle our baby. Because literally, that is what she was doing, and every minute we had the baby, she would literally stand there and WAIT until we put the baby down or gave baby back to her, and she would dismiss our role of Parenting in all aspects. In the end... it took some "practice" but we all were open about it, and talked about it, and so, we got through it and we are all on the same page now. Now, with our second child, her 2nd grandchild, she is MUCH more mellow about it, to all of our relief! We can even joke about it now. Yes, your MIL is from out of the country, and is only there for 3 months. BUT, you need to keep to your schedule and daily routines and your own needs as a family,and be cohesive. If you need to keep your spot open for your baby at daycare, then that is what you need to do, and MIL will need to understand, and it's your pocketbook. Because once she is gone back home... you will be left to pick up the pieces and have to retain your schedule with daycare and their rules. When we have family in town (from out of the country as well)... we make sure we keep to OUR family routines and needs and schedules. We don't give that up, nor our child's schooling. The family has to respect that, since they are "visiting." Also, yes it's nice Grandma is in town and wants to spend lots of time with her grandchild...but there is nothing wrong with telling her, kindly, that you need time with your baby as well. It is your baby after all. Just explain that "it's Mommy & daughter time now...." and then have your one-on-one time with your girl, by yourselves. Your Hubby also has to reinforce this with HIS mother.
Yes, it's not easy. Yes, it's a blessing Grandma is in town and your baby can bond with her, yes Grandma's have a special role in the family.... but in our case, this is what we have done. And we are all the wiser now, and happier... because we all spoke about it together and stood our ground since we are the Parents. If we did not, Grandma would have taken over our home and child. She is a strong woman and so we needed to speak with her. But ta-dah... it's all better now. But, it is great that your MIL is willing to help with baby, since you are working. Not all Grandmas' like to babysit as I've seen with others. Yes, the baby will bond with her.. .that is normal. Don't take it personally... that is all part and parcel of their development. After your MIL leaves, your baby may miss her. Be prepared for that too. But don't take it personally. Your baby is only 4 months old... lots of new phases and stages will develop. Good luck and take care. Sorry for rambling on and on. I hope this helps.
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

I know it must hurt your feelings, but you know your MIL is only here temporarily. Your baby is probably just going through a phase. Try to take advantage of any rest you can get. Of course, you'll spend time with you baby every single day. You can always tell your mother that you want your baby to stay on her routine, so she can't stay home 3 days a week. Or, you can allow it, knowing it's a temporary situation and you might have the green monster on your back for awhile (jealousy). You say your baby doesn't like to be set down, your MIL is probably holding her the entire time enjoying her (knowing her time is limited.) Your MIL probably doesn't have much else to do during they day but watch the baby. I think your baby is just happy about someone holding her all the time. You can't spoil a baby that small. I can't stress enough how you can change your mind and attitude about this if you will use this situation to your advantage. Take naps, run errands, spend time with the stepson, your girlfriends, and don't feel too embarrassed about talking to your MIL about this. She is a mother, I'm sure she will understand if you carefully explain it.

I know this is your first.... I have 3 boys and whenever ANYONE wanted them and they were happy, I loved having the break. She is YOUR daughter, you WILL be all she wants at some point. My boys switched from dad to mom so many times we couldn't remember who was the favorite. The fact that your mil lives out of the country and gets to bond with your child is priceless. I know that you are frustrated, but take the opportunity to take care of yourself while she is not clingy towards you. She knows you are mom, she can't forget she spent 9 months with you. Some day she will only want you and you will be wishing she would go to someone else. I know you don't believe me, but it's true!
Best of luck!

M.,

My twin went thru a similiar feeling/situation. If you want to be #1 to your baby, then you need 1 on 1 time with him/her. Your feelings are jealiousy and your baby is bonding with MIL and that is why wants to be held by her, because she is spending quality 1 on 1 time wtih him/her. If you work full time or outside the home, you are going to require a daycare provider or your MIL. Your 1st priority is work. I would rather have my MIL taking care of my baby vs. a stranger at a daycare. I think you should change your attitude to gratitude that you have a MIL that is willing to watch her for 3 days a week and wants to. Think of what is best for your baby, that is what you should be doing. The main thing is that your baby gets love, real genuine love and care. Remeber it takes a village to raise a child. Your child will grow up having a special bond with Grandma that other children miss out on these days. This is what I told my sister a few years ago and now she holds this same attitude. If you choose to work, you are not putting your baby as your 1st priority. Your baby is not going to put you as their 1st. I hope I did not upset you and I realize this must be hard to hear. But I would want the truth, if I was in your shoes. Your feeling jealious and your MIL is just trying to help out and bond with her new grandchild. Maybe if she took care of the baby 3 days a week, this could cost you less on the daycare and you could work less???

hi,
first of all you should be so lucky to have family there to support you. you are #1, but a child will go to where love, comfort,security is felt, so if you are feeling lousy towards your MIL, then your child will sense that,,so basically cut it out. take some time for your self during this time while she is visiting,,there was once a time when families and community raised our children in togetherness...mamas,aunties,cousins,grammas, we all raised our children, no one cared to be #1, because we were family, good luck

Believe me, this will pass. There were times when one of my babies, who are now three, preferred the nanny. I remember how devastating this felt. Pretty soon you'll be number one again! For now, remember that you are the mom and it is your right to get alone time with your baby. You can tell your MIL in a nice way how much you appreciate her and how she takes care of your baby, but that you also need bonding time alone with your baby. You can talk to her with your husband who needs to support you. It's important to be assertive in a kind way in order to take care of yourself. :) Good luck!