Son Is Getting Attached to My Mom

As long as your mom isn't undermining your rules (for example, giving him candy before dinner or something), let them be.

Your children are going to go through periods where they're closer with other people. It's normal. It's part of development. It's healthy. She isn't replacing you. You are his only mother.

You say "I want my son back" but you haven't lost him! On the other hand, if you try to prevent his relationship with her (or with anyone, particularly as he gets older) you could.

My kids lose their minds with joy when their grandparents come over - that doesn't mean that they don't love me. Stop seeing it as a competition and be glad that your child has such a loving, close relationship with his grandma. You sound very insecure. The problem is in you, not in your child's relationship with his grandma. Listen to yourself, "She kisses him too much." Are you kidding? Get a grip, before you hurt your child and your mom. They're lucky to have a good relationship. Stop acting like a jealous little girl.

A. @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

5 moms found this helpful

R.,

I agree wholeheartedly with Amy A, and could not have worded it better.

My mom once told me that she wrote in her journal, "My grandchildren are moments of joy." I could never imagine taking that away, from her or from my girls. Not all children are able to enjoy a close relationship with their grandparent(s), for various reasons. I know of other grandmothers that choose not to be involved, too busy with their own lives to bother with their grandchildren.

Your mom won't be with you much longer, so let them enjoy one another, but set aside special bonding time for you and your son. Perhaps instead of worrying about boundaries, you and your mom should discuss the transition for when she leaves, to help make her departure easier on your son.

And if it makes you feel any better, when my mom or my husband are around, I seem to no longer exist. My 5-year-old insists that Daddy tuck her in, but now and then she asks for "a Mommy hug," or when she has a bad dream, she comes to my side of the bed. It's the little things that they remember, so don't compete for your son's affections. Raise him to appreciate the different relationships that he has with each of you.

Best wishes!
M.

3 moms found this helpful

They are moving out in 3 months. Be patient and get over it. Don't hurt your mother's feelings over your own. I know many kids who were very close to their grandmother, some even closer than their own mother. You may resent that. But, many times kids choose to be closer to someone else when they are teenagers. If I had to choose, I would rather it be a grandparent than someone else. Let your mom enjoy this time and you enjoy the break! They're moving out in 3 months! I understand your feelings whole heartedly. I too have fought some of the jealousy with my MIL at one time. But, I recognized it as petty and selfish and rebuked myself when I found myself getting jealous. It is normal to an extent. But, DON'T ACT ON IT.

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R.,
You are your son's mommie. You are his one and only mommie. He will have other relationships with other people, but you will always be his mommie. Your mother was your mommie when she changed her life, gave up her friends, and moved to you because you needed her. Your son needs you now to understand and appreciate his special relationship with his grandmother. The next three months as your parents prepare to move is the time to help your son transition into life without his grandparents in his home everyday. It is also time for you to transition to not having all the extra hands in your home daily. When we become parents, it stops being about us and our needs, and becomes more about our kids. Be your son's mommie and let him have three more months of this close special relationship with his grandparents. The only converstion you should have with your mother is how much you love and appreciate all the sacrifices she has made for you throughout your life.

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i dont mean to sound harsh but this is blunt...if this were me i would suck it up for three more months. there moving out and you can hang on. better than sounding like a spoiled brat because they did you a huge favor and it sounds some what ungreatful. if for some reason they dont move then you will need to tell THEM they need to move. sorry you tried to do the right thing and it somewhat backfired. hope it all works out.

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Frist, you asked them to come and help and they are! It may hurt a bit that he perfers her over you but could just be a phase. I would jusat be thankful they are so close!!! Many kids/parents only can wish they had a good relationship with a grandparent. I would talk to her about your feelings but not about their closeness. This 2 shall pass when they move out in 3 months. I would not kick out your help over your jealousy!

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Hi R.,
Girl, I feel for you! I really don;t know what to say, you pretty much summed it all up in your request.
Talking to her probably won;t help much, because if she is going to be with you 3 more months, she isn't going to ignore your babies cry for her & she isn't going to stop being grandmaw & ditch all the hugs kisses & cuddles.
BUT you could tell her that when you are home, whether he cries for her or not, she needs to send him to mommie. Four hours a day isn't long for her to watch him, but with her living there she does have access all day long to her grandson whom she has attached herself too & him to her, because she is there around the clock. Im sure it was hard for them to give up their home and friends to come to you. He is probably what has kept her "sane" from it all.
But on the other hand, you are his mother & a line does need to be drawn. The longer they live there, the more attached they both will become. My suggestion is explain in detail your hurt & concerns but also let her know that you realize they have up their life for yours, because basically they did. I would tell you mom that the longer she stays the more hurt she will endure if she waits 3 months to move out, because of her attachment to the baby. Make it 2-sided rather than one, I think I would involve your dad in this conversation also. I'm sure he is ready to have his own place. When they move out, I would suggest you take a couple months leave from school & work & rebuild your relationship with your son. Because if you don't & you drop him off at her house to babysit, you're gonna have a fight getting him back home if he already cries for her even with you there.
THEN after you have severed their closeness a bit you can gradually take him to her to babysit, but don't leave him no matter how much he cries.
It isn't the four hours a day, 3 days a week & the Saturday class that's brought this on, it's the 24 hr access to each other.
If they agree to go ahead & move & you cannot take off work now nor miss those Saturday classes, let her keep him at her house & you pick him up asap. (the transition may be easier on your son if he has to go to a strange house to stay with your mom, rather than she come to your house to keep him)
Your parents surely know that as attached as your son is to her, it is going to be hard on him when they do move out & on your mom too, so with that being said, I would insist they go ahead & move out, to ease the pain of them both, but if she insist on staying, then I would insist for the best of your son, before he is attached any deeper, that they move. She should love him enough to realize it's the best thing for him, & for you & you and you son's relationship.
Just out of curiosity, what does your husband say about all this? Isn't he ready to have his home & family back?

If it doesn't work to where they move asap, then you might want to prepare your son now, by putting him in daycare 3 days a week. With the understanding to your mom that you are beginning the break away transition for your son so that it will be easier on him when they move. I am a mother & a grandmother, so I feel for you both, BUT YOU ARE THE MOTHER!! & You need to remain the mother, you are the one that has to step up to the batters plate & pursue whats best long term for your son. And YES it is going to hurt your mom, but its going to hurt your son worse if you don't get a handle on this. She needs to be in her own house so she can be grandma, not in your home being mommie & grandma, she might get her feelings hurt, but she wlil get over it. you explained it very well to us & I think you should explain it that way to her & your dad with alot more add-ons.Gentle but firm. Let her know how much you appreciate what they did for you, but that your son has to know your the mommie & she's grandma & he wont learn that as long as she is playing both roles.
Best Wishes to ALL of you & please update so we know the outcome :)

1 mom found this helpful

I sympathize with you. My daughter is super attached to my husband and her grandpa right now. She only wants them and NOT mommy or granny. While this is enough to rip one's heart out, I have to feel proud that she has such a relationship with them. There is a lifetime of loving ahead. This is merely a blip on the radar. Wouldn't you feel bad if you denied them the bond that they have developed? I know it sucks to be the one rejected, but he does love you. He has found a new buddy in his grandma and it is natural for them to want to be close. Let her lavish him with love. Feel proud that you have raised a loving boy. Try to set the negativity aside and view it as the beautiful thing that it is.

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I just wanted to let you know that I have the opposite problem, and it is no easier! My MIL came to live with us a year ago. My youngest (5) simply will not accept her. She won't allow her grandmother to do anything for her and only recently allowed me to leave her with grandma for short periods of time without having a major meltdown. It makes my MIL feel terrible, I hate it that my little one is being so rude and there is nothing I can do about it, and it has really sabotaged the 'freedom' I thought I'd have once my MIL moved in. I can't go back to work without putting my youngest in full-time daycare (she won't start public school until next year b/c she missed the birthday cutoff by 3 days), because my MIL feels like she can't handle her. She doesn't act like this toward my mom or anyone else, just my MIL. I would be overjoyed if she became attached to her grandmother and asked for her! Try to look at the bright side of this arrangement and remember that children attach themselves to different people at different developmental stages (do you remember being 'mommy's girl,' but then switching and becomeing 'daddy's girl'? And then switching back again?). Your son will always love you and there is nothing wrong with him loving his grandma, too. I wish you luck in coming to terms with this situation!

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Hi there. I wanted to first point out that I am not trying to be hard on you when I say let it go. You are so lucky that your parents care SO much about not only your child but you as well to drop their lives to come help yours. You are seeing this all wrong. You shouldn't feel threatened by the affection your child has for your Mom. It does NOT take away from his love for you. What that shows is you have given your child love and taught him to share it. Would you prefer a clingy baby that will never be happy unless he's in your arms? No. We all want our babies to adore us, and they do. When they are hurt or sick, no one else will do. Imagine how hurt you would feel when the time comes and your precious baby tells you to back off of their child? My children take turns having a favorite parent and sometimes grandma is that favorite. My Mom that is. I will tell you it sure beats having totally uninterested G.parents like my husbands that don't put forth any effort whatsoever. Again, not trying to be mean but it is great that they have a bond :)

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you are allowing your son to create memories that will last a lifetime for him- give him what he wants or needs right now and he will thank you for them later. There is no room for jealousy in a loving relationship and it sounds like you are jealous that he has chosen your mother over you right now. You will always be his mommy and he loves you- just like kids go through times that they only want mommy, or they only want daddy- this is just a phase. Be thankful you have a mom that is loving towards your child- and remember it takes a village to raise a child. You are giving your son his village! What a great mom you are for doing that!

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You are going to hurt some feelings if you do that. Both of my sons never wanted to leave the babysitters house when I came to pick them up. Was I jealous? Heck yeah! Did I jerk them out of that babysitter's hands? No. Be glad that your son has someone other than you and Daddy that love him so much. You live far away from everyone and I am sure he is loving having his grandparents around. Don't take that from him or your Mom. Calm down and let is pass. It is just a phase. CB

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Since it's only for three more months then I would suggest you take your son out and have fun alone. Even if he cries initially, make sure he has a great time. Go to the park, for ice cream, swimming, Chuckee Cheese, Peter Piper etc. Have fun quality time with him away from the home setting where he's used to being with your Mom. The more you are able to get out alone with him then hopefully he will associate going out with you means having a great time. At the same time he and you can re-bond.
Good Luck

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OK R......I have been you and I am your Mom. My Mom took care of my kids while I worked and I thank God for her. You should do the same for your Mom. My kids truly adored her. She showered them with love and attention. The love and attention that they would not have received in daycare. They still adore her. They also loved their Mommy. Children have enough love in them to go around. Because she is their Granny, his love for her is different than the love for you.

I have kept my grandkids for the last 10 years. Yep, they loooooove their Granny. Yep, when it is time to go home, they do not always want to go. Do they loooooooove their Mommy and Daddy? Yep!!!

Their is nothing abnormal about the relationship between your Mom and child. You are just used to him only "needing" you. However, you have chosen to work and study part time. Be thankful that your child has a relative that loves you enough to actually move to you and help you. There are sooooo many who would appreciate having a Mom who could or would do that for them.

You are used to things a different way and what you are feeling is somewhat normal. I had little pangs of jelousy from time to time when my kids were small but I got over them. It is not fair for you to put any guilt trips on your Mom for loving her grandchild. There is no such thing as kissing and loving a grandbaby too much. Take a step back and really think about what is really bothering you. And be thankful that your son has such a wonderful Granny.

My son has 3 daughters and I now keep the third one who is 2. They all love their Granny and they love their Mommy and Daddy too!

My daughter lives across the street and has a son who is 7. He is in and out all the time. He loves being with Papaw and Granny. My Mom also lives with us and is 81 years old. My grandkids get the best of 3 worlds and they love it. Their parents are also thankful that their children have not had to go to daycare.

Please reconsider asking your parents to move back out. What you are considering is not fair to you Mom or you child. Enjoy your free time and know that your child is getting the best love and care that he can possibly receive. AND also know that you are #1 in his heart cause you are his Mommy.

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OH R....
Please dont do that to your mom my son did that to me and now my granddaughter is 71/2 and my son want let me see her i cry alot about this she is myonly grand child
L.

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We live near my mother-in-law and father-in-law and know what you are talking about. It is really important for the sake of your marriage and relationship with your child to have time when it is just you together without your parents...It's also important not to discourage the love your child shows to his grandparents...both of your instincts are correct and come from love.

Jobs and degrees are seductive and promise fulfillment but spending time nurturing your own child is so much more than what is gained from what is offered from outside the home. This sounds like bunk especially when going through struggles, but it really is the efforts of moms who are the foundations for society and the springboards for our children's good health (mental, spiritual and physical) and you can't put a high enough price tag or give enough awards for this.

You and your husband need to talk this over and come up with a polite way of talking to your folks. Chances are they feel it too and want you to have a strong family unit...and maybe some time for themselves without everyone else around.

Look for a place nearby for your folks to live (or maybe a "mother-in-law" addition, and carve out definite times to spend with them, but definitely take time just being a family with your husband and son even when they are still living with you.

UPDATE: How did I miss that they are moving out in 3 months? 1. find some time still for just your husband, you and your child to do something on your own (even if its taking a walk and going to a park...and then bide your time...this is a temporary arrangement...3 months will go quickly and all your relationships will get back to normal...I'm with the person who said "suck it up" for 3 months. Don't worry, your relationship will still be there with your son. Hang in there!

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It is never easy for a mother to hear her child cry for someone else. But it is not uncommon for a child to become attached to a caregiver nor is it unusual for a child recognize these dynamics and manipulate them. My 2.5 year old has recently started calling for her dad...a man that has little to do with her life (he hasn't been around in nearly 3 months). Interestingly enough, it is usually when she is mad at me for something. Just something to keep in mind.

I agree with a lot Amy said. This is more about you than your son or your mother. They have only been there three months, their presence is still a new and exciting presence. Some kids NEED more emotional attention. I think you should be thankful for the help that you've been given and take a step back.

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Have you considered a good, respected family counselor?

That's what I would do.

Good luck!

I had the same situation 10 years back. My husband's parents and his grandmother moved in with us for 8 months while they built a house in town. It was great and it was horrible. I loved having them because they helped out a bunch but the same thing happened to me. My son was learning to talk and he started to call my mother in law "Mama." I was so upset and the thing that bothered me the most is that she did not correct him. In fact she even glowed with pride when he did it. This was my mother in law, not my mom so I couldn't say anything. But unfortunately, I told my husband how upset I was and he told her. She did not talk to me for a week. It drove a HUGE wedge between us. Finally we talked about it and she began correcting him.

If you haven't already said anything, I hope that you will just find some way to let it go. It has been 10 years since I had this experience and the thing I regret most is not that my mother in law let my son call her mama but that she found out that it hurt my feelings.

Just let them love that baby and you love them for it. Start your own secret count down and know that they will be out of the house soon. You can do it!

My first instinct is to tell you how immature you are being! This is not high school, these are not neighbors or friends, these are your parents! They are the only people in the world who love you unconditionaly, and your son for that matter! Your mother would never make you move out just cause you payed more attention to your dad!

Okay, now, I will advise you to use your extra time to spoil your husband, spend more time one on one with him! Go on dates, walks, etc. Try self improvements, read a good book, take an aerobics class, volunteer or something that will fill that void.

Please do not feel bad! Children this age are so fickle! Next week it can be Daddy is all he wants. This is very common behavior. Just make the most of the time he lets you have. And relax that he is in good hands with your mom.

It's natural to be jealous of the relationship your son is having towards your mom. It's okay. That's great!! Try not to take it so personally. Spend some quality time with your son when you can-take him to the park or something alone without your mother and just make it special for him. There is no such thing as giving him too many kisses!!! She loves him. Be grateful that you are so blessed to have both of your parents spending time with your children. Cherish it. Seriously. I know it's probably very stressful having them in your house but you said they were moving out in 3 months so that time will fly. You wanted them there so now they are there and doing what you wanted-taking care of your child so you can do something better. My mother in law passed away earlier this year and I would do anything to have that time back with her and for my children (3 & 1 at the time) to have more time with their grandma honey. Don't take the time with your parents for granted. Just set some boundries and understand that they love him and they love you and only want the best for you-or they wouldn't have moved to help you. I hope you try and step back and take a deep breath. It's stressfull going to school, raising a family, being a wife, having your parents live with you and on and on...try and relax and breathe!

You didn't mention the age of your son. It's very common for very young children to become attached to their primary caregivers. And I certainly understand your missing the closeness you once had with him. But you need to remember that you made a choice to do these other things, and your mom stepped in to help you.

My advice would be to overlook your son's attachment to his grandma and just deal with your feelings until they leave in 3 months. Don't talk to your mom about this--it will only hurt her feelings and damage your relationship. Just be grateful that she's doing such a great job and that your son is forming a bond with her that will likely last throughout the rest of her life. You might ask her if she would like an occasional day off so that you and your son can spend some time together. Take him to the park or out for ice cream. Make it an adventure--just the two of you. If he cries for grandma, remind him that he'll have the whole day tomorrow with her--and don't take it personally. He will always love his mommy, and you will have him back soon. It won't take long to get that special closeness back, and he will be the richer for the time he spent with grandma.

Attachment is very important. It's a good sign that your son is able to feel close to someone that's not you. Kids go through stages where they only want one person. (My oldest daughter is going through a dad phase right now). If you're missing that feeling of closeness that you had before you could schedule a playdate with him and the two of you can do something that he really enjoys.

It's a normal step for him to start transferring affection to another adult. If it wasn't your mother it would have been your husband. It is his first step towards independence and a completely natural step, although it is very painful. Good luck dealing with this.