To Be or Not to Be?

Hey, blame it on the doctor. "The doctor told us that because of the extra stress and it's negative effects on mom and baby, we can't have people over for the first week."
The end! Or at least who ever is going to help you out, husband OR mother, just one at a time. You need this quiet time!!

Be polite and honest. And, if you married a knight in shining armor - let him do his thing.

My mother-in-law decided that she would be at the hospital, in the delivery room, AND would be the first person to hold the baby. I politely explained to her that I planned to be alone in the delivery room and that my husband and I wanted the first day to bond with the baby ourselves. She had been working at the hospital we were going to for over 20 years and informed us that "wild dogs" wouldn't keep her away.

We didn't call her until after the baby was born. (Golly gosh darn. It just happened SO fast we didn't have time to call anyone in advance!) My husband made all of the calls. He told everyone he called (including my mother - who COMPLETELY respected our wishes) that the baby and I were doing great, but we were all totally exhausted and didn't want any visitors until the next day.

Damn if his mother AND his sister didn't show up outside the hospital room door within the hour. When I heard their voices, I was totally gearing up to do battle. Given the drugs and the hormones and the fact that we had made our wishes crystal clear but they decided to treat them with complete disrepect, I would have come UNGLUED if they had stuck a toe in my room. Fortunately, my Knight in Shining Armor stopped them at the door and firmly repeated our wishes. They left - and did come back the next afternoon.

Sit down and explain this to your husband. Then, with his help, contact all of these people and politely but firmly extend an invitation for them to come and visit on specific days. (Perhaps parents could come for an overnight visit when the baby is two or three weeks old. And grandparents could come for an overnight visit the week after that.) The mothers should understand how important it is for a new mother to have time to bond with their newborn baby. Also, EVERYONE wants to help the moment a new baby gets home - so you'll have more help than you can handle. When the new baby novelty wears off is when you'll be grateful for their help. (After a few weeks, you'll almost certainly be grateful for an opportunity to jump in the shower and wash your hair, etc.!)

Be polite. Be firm. You are the queen and you need to do what will be in the best interest of you, new baby and your family!

I'm a person who needs solitude much more than company (I've heard that's the main difference between an introvert an an extrovert) so I can really relate to the need you express. You can get what you need without your relatives becoming miffed, without making excuses, and without having to apologize for being who you are.

This is what I've learned about getting my needs met, using four steps of a system called Non-Violent Communication:

1. Acknowledge what feelings you hear the relatives expressing about their wish to be with you (or your hunny expressing about his desire to have his relatives come visit).
2. Tell what you feel, what is most alive in you.
3. Express your needs clearly and without apology (just be sure they are needs, not demands).
4. Make a request without making excuses for it.

In your case, this might sound something like, "I hear so much generosity in your offer to come stay with us for a week. I love it that you are looking forward to this new baby and are willing to give up so much of your time. I'm also feeling anxious and overwhelmed by the prospect of having people in my home during a time when I look forward to quietly connecting with my new baby and recovering from the delivery. I believe I will do much better on my own for the first couple of weeks. I would love to have you come to the hospital to welcome the baby, if you wish to do that, and I'm asking that you delay visiting our home. May I call you when I feel ready for visitors? Maybe I will even discover I need your help. Thank you so much for offering."

Very few people would have the nerve, or the cluelessness, to push their way past such a request, because you haven't tiptoed around the topic of what you need for your own wellbeing, and you have graciously acknowledged their interest. Again, it's important NOT to apologize for what you need, and NOT to make up reasons why the visits shouldn't happen. Reasons can be argued with. Needs are much harder to push aside. The word "AND" is really helpful, too, as in "I hear what you hope for, AND this is what I need." You can use the same techniques for establishing the length of visits when you tell them you are ready.

If you'd like more tips, here's a handy NVC process chart:
http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partproc...

My best to you and your new experiences as a mama.

DON'T BE POLITE! Be blunt and to the point- 'No visitors (helpers) until I say so'-blame it on the hormones, they'll get over it. Trust me on this one, for my first we had 'help' for the first 10 out of 12 weeks of her life. I've never cooked and cleaned for so many people in my life! Plus I ended up having an unexpected c/s so I REALLY needed the rest. For round two, I made sure EVERYONE knew that they'd get email pic's right away and when I was ready for company they'd get the go ahead. My family is also 7 hr. drive away and wanted to come at labor onset-give me a break. You never know how labor/birth is going to go and the last thing you need is a bunch of gapers waiting around for you to deliver the goods.

NO...NO...NO...No...and NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, but no... This time is about the baby, but it is also about YOU!!! That many people in your house will be too much stress. You are asking our advice for justification. If anything in a couple of weeks the could come for a weekend, or better yet...you can go to them...the Parents' house that is only 40 minutes away (close enough that you can go home if need be)...they are being too pushy, you will be super with your ten year old.

So don't tell them at all when you go into labor. It is more about your wellbeing (mental and physical) than being polite to them. Your memories of the occasion will be either of you, baby and hubby, or a bunch of family around making you miserable. The grandparents ought to stay with your mother-in-law, not you. If they want to be helpful, they can bring a meal, and clean up after it, then leave and let you rest with the baby. If the grandparents did stay with your MIL, your hubby could tell them what time they could come visit every day for a week (from 4-7 or whatever would work for you). It doesn't sound like you are looking for "help" from them, and that it would be an intrusion. Your hubby is married to you and needs to make a stand for you, not accept their orders.

Lucky you:) The in-law thing is always difficult especially if you and your spouse don't see eye to eye on family issues. In all honesty, you should be able to express your feelings to your husband and you both should work towards some type of compromise. If he insists on having them around, maybe the grandparents could stay with his parents and they could come down for a weekend visit once you've had time to adjust with baby. (It'll also be a great opportunity for his parents and grandparents to catch up.) By the time they come over for the weekend, you may be ready for the help and company. I understand how you feel since I'm pretty independent and like doing my own thing in my home but I also know that my in-laws and my kids need that bonding time. Good luck!!

Hi...
5 weeks ago I was just where you are. My in-laws did end up staying, I thought they were only going to be a few days and stay in a hotel...the night before my induction my mother in-law informed me that they would be staying at our house, even though they HAD a hotel! I found myself changing our sheets at 5 am so they would have some place to sleep, and they ended up staying 9 days. I was to wimpy to say No, however my honey was so thankful that I allowed his mom to feel needed that he put a quick halt to the hospital visit so atleast my first day would be as stress free as possible. Thankfully this time was better than last when they stayed in the hospital room and didnt leave:)

I've got to say, I just went through something like the same thing, so here are some suggestions before you make a decision: are your relatives the kind of people who really want to help, or are they the kind of people who are using that as an excuse to come and see baby? This is a special time for your family, and if your husband is able to get some time off work, you should ask any other relatives to wait at least a week or two before coming; you and the baby will be in a more established rhythm, the baby will be a bit more settled, and grandparents will be able to still enjoy his/her newborness. I wasn't able to recover as fast as I could have after I had my son 5 months ago, because I wound up entertaining, cooking, cleaning and trying to get some time with my new son because I had relatives over that promised to help (something I could have sorely used!), who actually just wanted to satisfy a desire to see the baby as much as possible before anyone else could (my son is the first grandson on both sides; first nephew on all sides too). I am still miffed at the fact that those precious first two weeks were basically a fight over who got to hold him when, fending off requests to "pump a bottle" so everyone could get a chance to feed him, and limping around with a couple of tears trying to keep the house semi-clean because I knew it would become a monster mess by the time I was up and about. My husband was working nights and sleeping during the day, so he really wasn't in a position to help me out or defend me from the family people;)

So, if you think the above scenario might happen to you, do yourself and your hubby a favor and politely come up with a reason to have your relatives visit later. If I could do it over again, I would have a "baby welcoming party", send out invitations with a precise date and an rsvp by... (at least 3 weeks after your due date or something), and in the invitations mention something about "after having a chance to bond closely with our child, you are invited to..." It might get the thought across that you really really want to enjoy that time, and THEN they can come over.

Hope that helps. I would fight for that peaceful and sweet time together, because I personally am very sad that I missed it, after all those months of waiting.

Hi Liz,
This is the time to take care of yourself and your new family unit. If you think some help may be useful, accept it. If you don't then make it clear you will call if they are needed. I will say that after my second child was born, I really appreciated having some people around to help out with laundry, cooking and dishes, but it depends on the people. Our helpers were actually helping and not expecting to be entertained. Sometimes people lose their focus in those situations and it ends up being about them instead of you. So I say trust your instincts. You know what suits you, you've been through this before and it sounds like you should talk to your honey. Really, he should be the one addressing his family. Perhaps they could come to visit in a couple of weeks and stay in a near by hotel? Be selfish and protect this precious and limited time. They may have their feelings hurt for a little while, but they'll get over it. Go get 'em!
L

Ahh... Liz.. What should I tell you??
The morning I gave birth it was snowing outside... It was just beautiful looking at the snow from the window and holding my precious baby for the first time in my arms. My husband was next to me, and there is no more beautiful moment than that in my life. ...but something was still missing:( My mom... who was a continent away from me. What would have i not given to have her there at that time just to be able to share that moment of joy with her....:(. What beauty is there when you are not able to share the joy with the people you love and love you? What's the meaning of this life other than love for one another...? I had friends from church coming and helping me the first days after coming from the hospital but none would take the place of my mom, my poor father, my dear granda, my darling aunties, my best friends... oh what can i tell you about it... You are you, different culture! (can't imagine how people here say to put in-laws in a HOTEL. they are his parents for Chirst sake!!)Just be happy with the people around you. They are your family! They love you and they want to help you. A new child is a blessing to his family, let them be part of it. It will be sooo good for your child later too, to be part of his big family, (having in mind how people here push their families away) K.:)

Tuff one. I would NOT allow it. You are the mom, you are the one with all the stuff going on, you are the boss. You should tell them that you dont mind them coming to see you and your new family.... BUT GET A HOTEL up the road. If your honey doesnt realize how stressfull this is going to be on YOU then he needs to think again !!!!

Just have your honey tell his parent(s) sorry but we arent ready for over night visitors... "I think we can do it on our own". You better voice your opionons before its to late... seriously because once you are in labor, you dont care who is all there you just wanna have that baby and bond.... I would let them know that you are diffently not wanting them to stay overnight...

Good luck, and good birthing to you :)