In-Laws Staying with Us After Second Baby Is Born

Hi H.--SO glad you asked the question. My hubby and I have been kicking this one around for a couple of months now as we have our 2nd due in April. Really appreciate some of the responses you have received. My in-laws stayed with us for a week following the first baby and it was stressful in every way you explained. Here is what we have come up with:

1- Hubby's parents = Hubby's job to discuss. Clear. Peaceful. To the point & Soon!

2- He tells parents how much we appreciated help the first time, all the praise for every good things they did for us (meals, cleaning, errands, etc.)

3- He tells parents how we want it to be this time around.
[YOUR feelings are normal and it is reasonable to ask that you have family time for as long as you want it, even if it is a month+. No guilt, they are adults and responsible for their feelings, not you. Your family (hubby, son & baby) are your priority.]

4- Let parents know that we are unsure when we will be ready for visitors. We know their excitement for wanting to see the new addition and need to arrange their schedules, travel and *hotel stay* so we will let them know as soon as we have a better idea of a good time once we have had time as a family with the baby. It could be a month (more or less) depending on how things go.
THE END.

After reading some of these responses, it is not your responsibility to take care of their accommodations or help pay for a hotel. They are adults and able to take care of themselves. You and hubby are only responsible for yourselves & kiddos (emotions included : ) ) It is very normal to want to have your mom/family around and there is nothing wrong with this. You are not being crazy or over demanding, just taking care of yourself & family. And if you are more comfortable with your mama taking care of your son then she gets the job. Good Luck!

4 moms found this helpful

Hi H.,
You could say something ahead of time to the effect of " With the expectation of the arrival of our second baby, were trying to plan in advance so that everyone can see the baby, and we also have arrangements for our son to taken care of when the baby is born. We just wanted to let you know that we've asked my mother to come stay with (child #1) since they live closer and can be here quickly. However, we'd love it if you could come visit once the baby arrives. We're so sorry that we no longer have room in our house for company to stay the night. There are some reasonable hotels close by and we'd be happy to make reservations for you if that would be helpful."

It's all spelled out. There's no wiggle room for them to argue. If MIL starts with the , "oh, we'll be fine on the floor." Just restate that you wish that you had room, but there just isn't space. " I hope you understand."

You have every right to want to have a quiet space to bond with your baby. Best wishes!

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I totally agree with you, you have every right to get settled in with baby #2 without a bunch of house guests. That would be very stressful, and besides those first few weeks are such a precious time to enjoy with your hubby and kids. Honestly I don't think you are going to be able to get out of this without being direct. Obviously they can't take a hint and they don't mind imposing. I had a similar situation when I had my dd as far as location of relatives goes. My mom lived about 6 hours away and my inlaws live about 1.5 hours. I was very upfront that I would love visitors at the hospital or at home for short periods of time, but I could not host any overnight guests. My inlaws drove up to the hospital to meet the new baby, but then went home. They hosted a meet the baby party for us at their place when the baby was about 2 months old. My MIL is great and told me to let her know when I would be up for the traveling. With my own mom, I asked if she would wait about 2-3 weeks and then come up just herself (sans boyfriend) and stay for a long weekend with me. I know my mom did not have money for a hotel, but she also wouldn't want to impose. By the time the baby was a couple weeks, I felt like I would be ready for an extra set of hands and I was right =) Friends and local family did pop in and out for short visits throughout the days following the birth and that was great. Basically you need to be specific in what you want, don't be rude or insulting, but firm and assertive. Do not make it a question, but a statement. Do not beat around the bush or be passive aggressive about it, that is going to get you nowhere. There may be some hurt feelings or drama at first, but if the inlaws know you mean what you say they won't keep pushing. Above all make sure you have hubby on board, he really should be the one to deliver the news since it is his family.

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No, It is not wrong to want to bond with your baby on your OWN.
You need your own space with your hubby, just you two.
I think since your hubby is her son, he should break the news :-)
He should gently tell her, that because you house has limited space...
that you both need some time to to get acclimated. He can tell them,
he would love to see them when everything calms down.
This is a very sensitive time (breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, etc....)
It can cause emotions to fly/arguments etc...
You do not need added stress, or a cramped space at such an intimate
vulnerable time.
Keep it peaceful~ And simple :-)

2 moms found this helpful

I understand what you are going through and the first thing I have to say is: YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING! :) They are your hubby's parents, and so he can break the news about them not staying and them not keeping your son. Have him explain that they won't be keeping your son because your mom is closer. It just makes more sense. As for staying over, have him explain that your house is small as it is, and that it will just be too chaotic for them to stay with you all. If they throw a fit, then let them! Again, the key to all of this is your husband does it all, that way you aren't the bad guy! :) Good luck!

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I wish I knew the answer to your last question. It shouldn't be wrong. But boy was I made to feel like a selfish jerk for wanting just that with our first born. My mom did come down and stay in advance of the birth, b/c I asked her to. (she lived 6 hours away and I wanted her to be there when we got home from the hospital to help me). But we had plenty of room (4 BRs) and my mom is the type to pick up the broom and sweep the kitchen, run the dishwasher, sort the laundry and fold it, and make breakfast and dinner, etc... the rest of the time, she will sit and do crossword puzzles or read or whatever... very unobtrusive and helpful. Not in the way or taking over anything... quick to step back if I say "I've got it". She and my husband bonded in a way I wouldn't have expected over that first week she was here. She ended up being here 2 weeks before the birth and my dad was able to drive down and retrieve her (and meet his new grandson). Hubby's family, on the other hand, arrived to sit around and be waited on. They wanted to hold the baby and be fed and entertained and shown the sights around town. I was NOT pleased with it.
I got over it. But it still irks me that MILs never seem to "get it" that they are different than the baby's mom's MOTHER. There is a comfort and ease that usually isn't at the same level. New babies are a very intimate situation. Family that is part of the EXTENDED family (i.e., not the mother father or sibling to the baby) should be able to have a little patience and give the immediate family some room and time. The baby isn't going to miss out on "bonding" with the grandparents in the first weeks of life... give me a break. They won't know their grandparents from the mailman for the first 2 months no matter what! But if mom and dad and baby don't have quiet alone time right in the beginning... things are much harder on them as a family unit. And sometimes it can make a HUGE difference in the breastfeeding scenario. Trust me... if your baby has latching issues... you do NOT want your FIL or MIL pacing in the living room wondering when you'll be done so they can hold/see the baby. And when your boobs are sore and you are crying from the pain and stress of wondering whether to continue it, you want your privacy. There is a generation out there that was not encouraged to breastfeed, and they don't understand the intricacies and stress that can accompany the process.

Consider your inlaws ignorant to these matters and let hubby explain that you need more privacy this time around. He doesn't need to go into in depth explanations about the layout of the house or the air mattress or anything else. Just that you feel like you need some time as a nuclear family unit (you, hubby, baby and big brother/sister) to bond. Since you have an older child now, that his feelings need to be respected too and he needs some time with the new baby as well. That you would love to have them come meet their new grandchild when you've been home for a few days (or they can come visit at the hospital), but that you are not having any house-guests (meaning overnight guests) for the first two weeks (or month). And then, it will only be for one or two nights at most. He doesn't (and shouldn't) explain further. That is what you've decided. The end. It isn't something that is up for debate or negotiation.
He can say it with kindness and acknowledge that you both know how much they love you and your family and want to be a part of welcoming the new baby... and they will get to do all that... in two weeks (or whatever). But the first ___ is just for the 4 of you.

Good luck and try to remember that no matter how it plays out in June... you will have your sweet baby to hold. The rest is just a temporary inconvenience and you will eventually let it's memory fade like the birth pains... Don't let stressing out over it take a toll on you now.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi Hilary,
I totally feel for you. We removed anything that resembled a bed from our house...the air mattress. That was a hint enough. I could in no way deal with my in-laws staying. Sometimes a MILs help is a bit different then a mothers. I only say this because I am able to speak more freely to my mom compared to the MIL.
Your husband needs to approach your in-laws in a gentle manner and just explain how stressful it is to have guests of any sort in your space and that you do, however, always appreciate their help. Just put it all on you guys and hopefully it will soften the blow. Would you be willing to give in on the care of your son for those few days? I mean that is that they take good care of him. If they stayed in a local hotel, will you let your son stay with them? This will probably make it a more desirable option for them.
You cannot stress about this and therefore need to find a solution within a week. I only say this because I have been there and have spent way too much time and energy dealing with this. Being pregnant just magnifies this all anyways.
You can also let them know how strict the pediatricians are these days with the baby getting sick within the first 6 weeks, so to have a full house is just not ideal during this time. Why is it that people have a hard time putting themselves in others positions? 5 day out from my c-section, I was cooking for my in-laws. The only thing they are really good at is coming over hungry. They literally left and the sink was packed with dishes. What the heck...although at least the left...ha!

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I hate to add to your stress but my 3 rd child was born within 12 minutes of getting to the hospital. My parents only lived about 10 minutes from the hospital so they met us there... There was simply no time to drop off my daughter. I suggest you have a contingency plan in the event your mom does not have time to get to your house. ( My total time from labor to delivery was only about 1 hour). Best of luck!

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Is there any way you could foot the bill to have them in a hotel for a few days after the birth? Or even offer to pay half or something. If not, maybe you could ask that only one person stay (maybe just your MIL, or one of your SIL, not the whole family...) because there isn't room. If even that isn't an option, just tell them that while you appreciate that they want to come and 'help out', you would like to have a chance to bond as a family first. tell her how much visitation is acceptable to you, and she can take it or leave it. If she doesn't understand, she will just have to get over it. You will need your husband to stand with you on this, but it sounds like he s already on your side. As far as who watches your son, you could just tell your MIL that you already told your mom that she could... and point out to your MIL that she was there his whole first week...

1 mom found this helpful

Totally understand. As much as it is nice to have help I would rather come home alone and bond as a new family of 4. I would just be honest with them, it may hurt her feelings but it's your pregnancy and your baby. Do whats best for you vs. catering to everyone else during that time....good luck :)

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Have hubby break the news and here is how it goes: "thanks for the offer, but this time we REALLY do not have the space to host you. Since this is number two we would REALLY prefer to give all three of us the first few weeks to bond ALONE. We will invite you over for an afternoon to visit the new baby when he/she is a few weeks old. I know if would be nice if we lived closer, but since we don't that is what we have decided how it's going to be.
There may be some huffing and puffing, but as long as you stick to your guns, they will forget all about it by the time the baby is born. I told my DH that I did not want to see any of his family members for at least 4 weeks (they have to fly in!). When they arrived (on the day at 4 weeks), I had recovered, rested and a good breastfeeding routine going and we all had a good time.
Good luck!

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I would just wait and if your MIL brings it up, just smile and tell her how you appreciate the thought, but since this is your second baby you really can't accomodate overnight guests this time. Let her know (if it is true) that if she knows someone else she can stay with or wants to stay in a hotel, you would be happy for some daytime help around the house. There is a world of difference between someone staying with you and helping around the house and someone just trying to monopolize your baby.

My MIL stayed with us after our first two for at least a week, and while it was a little tiring knowing someone was sleeping in the living room, she was just a soothing and quiet presence, helping with housework and cooking and dishes and watching the baby (and later also toddler) when I needed a nap or a shower. We are also still in a 2-bedroom and it is getting harder and harder to give up our living room to guests. We are expecting #3 in a few months and my husband usually has ended up snuggling our babies in the living room when they won't settle down so I can sleep at night and bringing them up to nurse, so it will be interesting if we end up needing to give up the couch again.

So I would try to avoid the drama, but just be firm about the space and privacy. If you can agree to accept some daytime help, do that. If not, just let them know they are welcome to visit but you and your husband feel equipped to handle everything without any hands-on help.

Oh, and I just double-checked. That is WAY too many people banging around your home! I can't believe you had that many guests the first time around. :(

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Can both your moms watch your son while you are in labor? He might think it is a special treat to get to hang out with both grandmas at the same time. Just tell them they both had requested to watch him.

I like the idea of allowing 1 person to stay at your house after the baby is born, and simply tell them it is because of space. If you don't want your MIL there, maybe ask one of your SILs to stay. It is important for you to have your space, heal and bond, but don't forget that the new baby is their family too and they need to bond as well. If they live so far away they may need those first few weeks as well.

I do not think there really is a nice way, i mean family is not wrong to expect to stay with family when visiting them. If you do not want them to stay, fine, but do not be surprised if they are hurt and offended.

this is up to your husband to tell his parents that since this will be the second child you will not have the room for guests and would like to have a little time alone before company starts arriving. You are going to have to let them visit at some point as they should meet their new grandchild. Trying to get them to go to a hotel will be hard if they cannot afford it. Can you afford it and offer it to them as a gift? I think that if you can get them to come a week after the baby's birth, you may have to just bite your tongue when they visit. I don't understand the sisters coming along too unless they are under 18 and live with his parents. If I were you I would let your child stay in your bdrm on a pallet or mattress in your room and the new baby as well and then let extended family stay in your child's room. That is if you have 2 bdrms in your condo. That keeps them and their stuff in a bdrm instead of the living room. As far as who watches your child, you have your husband tell his mother that your mom had already offered but you really appreciate her offer. He needs to be making all this contact with his own parents. Otherwise you are the bad guy, I know this from experience.

do some research on hotels in your area and tell them what's the cheapest. Is there a nice extended stay nearby with a weekly rate? My parents thought they were going to get to stay with us after our daughter was born, but we wanted that time to ourselves, so we said anyone who wanted to come was welcome, but had to stay in a hotel. To this day, I feel bad for my husband because she says "brad wouldnt let us come stay with them" but he doesnt mind, because we got our way.

Big brother will go to your mom's for a week. No one will be allowed a visit for a week. That is it. After a week, big brother comes home and bonding as a family begins for a week. After that, inlaws and others may stay in a nearby hotel and visit daily. That is that. I would write something to all concerned about your needs and this decision right now and let them start getting used to it. The bonding that takes place in a family unit is very sacred, and should be respected. Good luck. We never had anyone, and managed fine. When #3 was born, #1 stayed with my aunt, an hr away, for a week. #2 stayed with an older couple for 3 days. We too, had a small house and it would have been much more difficult, and chaotic for the house to have been more full than it was. I hope your husband will help you stand strong. My thought is that if they came anyway, I would take baby and check into a hotel.

I felt the same way with my in-laws after my first daughter was born. With each new baby we have had, we asked for some time alone at first. I even asked my mom to wait to come from California until I was ready, even though she wanted to come right away. I would have your husband approach them in a cheerful way and just say that you all would like to have some time to "get settled" with the new baby and big brother for a few weeks (or however long you choose). And that when they do come, since your house is getting "smaller all the time" politely ask them to see if they can stay somewhere else. Since they are his parents, he should do it. Then just ask your mom to be there to watch your son when the new baby comes. It is your house after all and your children. :)

Wow. The fact that they dont think added 4 people to your home for a week is intrusive is very stressful. Thats a bummer.
Could maybe JUST the mil come and stay for like two days? My mil stayed the night the first night home after my second baby was born and it was a Godsend! She helped out so much with my other child. Made her breakfast while I was busy breastfeeding.
I would just have hubby tell them, they are welcome to visit, but since your place isnt big enough now that you have an added child, they just cant stay.

Boy, 8 people in a 2 bedroom condo would be enough to drive anyone crazy, no matter how much you love them.
I'm afraid there will be drama, no matter how much you want to avoid it, if you say that you want your mom and not your MIL to keep your son while you're in the hospital, PLUS not wanting your in-laws to stay with you at your house.
I think your husband should talk to his family and let them know that so many people in one house with two kids is going to be too much.
Start saving now and offer to help chip in with the cost of a hotel room for a couple of nights. Maybe there's one nearby with a pool and the grandparents can all have some time with your son at the hotel. Or the park. Or shopping. It can be an adventure for him and it won't leave anyone out that way.
Just a suggestion.

It's really hard trying to make everybody happy. After having their kids, my neice and nephew didn't allow ANYONE at their home, they didn't allow anyone but the grandparents for a one time glimpse at the baby in the hospital. They completely shut everyone out and kept it that way for a month. She wasn't shy about flat telling people they weren't welcome at their house. Visitors would NOT be invited in, but they could feel free to leave gifts on the porch. It ruffled feathers and caused some hurt feelings to say the least. Because she did this the first time around, people didn't even bother to really buy any gifts the second time, and she was offended.
People have a right to stick up for themselves and want to be comfortable, especially after having a new baby. But, you just have to be prepared if some people get hurt or upset by it.
I think your MIL might be less offended by the hotel idea if you don't ace her out of looking after your son too.
I wish you the best. Thank goodness you have some time to get this all sorted out.

Take care of yourself and best wishes!