Seeking Advice on How to Handle Pushy Mother-in-law

No S., you are not the only one and you have every right to enjoy the first moments even days of your child's life without family imposing. I belong to an online message group of pregnant women and this is the number 1 in-law problem. The only solution we've come up with is not to call family until after you've delivered. Also remember, the nurses at the hospital are there for you and will send away visitors for you so you don't have the added stress.

I'm due in June and like you, won't be having any visitors until I've already been discharged from the hospital.

Edited to add: I have to say I'm pretty shocked by some of the responses. I really get tired of hearing when a pregnant woman's feelings are dismissed as being "hormonal", like it's impossible for us to be rational. Sheesh. Yes, I understand you have to take family's feelings into account, but this is you and your husband's child, not theirs!

I wanted this same thing for the birth of my daughter, I only wanted my mom and finace there. I made it clear right away to my sister in laws, friends, mother in law, etc., that they would not be allowed to see me while I was in labor or having the baby. (At the birth of my best friends first son, there was about 10 family members running in and out of the room all day, stressing her out and after the birth she needed a blood transfusion, everyone was panicking and it was awful for her but she was afraid to hurt anyone's feelings.) Afterward it is so much harder, I know. All you can do is ask that your husband once again does not make that call, out of respect for you and your new baby. I felt like I was able to spend time with my daughter and relax after the birth, even though everyone was hovering round outside, I did not care! I just remember telling them that the baby would not come any faster if they came during labor! You know she will come running if he makes that call, so stand your ground and head him off at the pass. As others have said, ask nurses to help control visitors but ask that they pass along info to anyone waiting that you and baby are just fine. His mother will get over the fact that she was not allowed soon after she sees the baby. She needs to learn respect for others concerning thier children and if this is the only way so be it!

If she won't listen to u guys when you go into labor let the hospital staff know that u want it to only be u and your husband while u are in labor and delivering and if your mom in law shows up they can tell her she can't go in until you say she can.

I don't know if your MIL is wanting to be in the room with you during labor and immediately after birth or just at the hospital. This is your baby and I definately agree that your family should respect your wishes. However, I'd agree with the compromise that you'll tell her you're in labor and at the hospital and that she can come if she wants, but that she has to stay in the waiting room until you guys are ready for her, even if that happens to be 16 hours later :). That way she's close by, but out of sight. When we had our twins, our families did come to my hospital room while I was in easy labor, but all but my mom (my choice) and husband went to the waiting room when labor progressed and I wasn't up for visitors. My mom also left closer to delivery time so it was just my husband and I. After delivery, the nurses required my husband and I to spend an hour or so recovering and bonding with the girls and attempting a first feeding. When we were ready, they got our families for us. Hope everything goes well and your family doesn't add to your worries at the hospital, but rather adds to your joyful experience. Good luck!

Hello:

I think that you and your husband are correct. Giving birth is a very private moment and no one has the right to infringe on your right to privacy. If your mother-in-law doesn't like it, tough! And if she tries to storm in on you at the hospital or something, security will be called on her. She will be upset for a while, but my advice is not to let her have her way. If she walks on you today, she will just continue to do it. Stop her in her tracks now.

Hope this helps.

Hi S.!
I definitely know what its like to have a stubborn MIL. With our first child there was EVERYONE at the hospital including my mom, my MIL, my uncle, my grandma, brother, and others. It was a total pain in my butt. There was too many people there and I was having a difficult enough labor as it was (i was in labor for 49 hours). For my 2nd baby, the only ones that were there was my husband and I. It was WAY WAY less stressful and a much more relaxing labor. We called everyone after our daughter was born and then we of course had visitors. This time around I am having my step-mother there for support since my husband (who is a paramedic) wants to deliver the baby. Other than that we have expressed our wishes and nobody will be at the hospital unless we call them. Good luck with what you are going through. Just stick with your guns and use the nurses. Let them know that you do NOT want her in there and they will not allow anyone to bother you unless you specifically state they can come in.

hun i see where u r coming from but i also see where the mother in law is coming from i think it helps to have peeps there wanting for u to have the baby cuz u dont fell s alone and it made me more excited to know that my loved ones was there for me but u can bond with ur baby even if they are there also remember u have 18 years of the childs life to be there everyday for that child "18 i say becuase they move then well supposed to anyway lol"but ya i would let them be at the hospital but they dont have to be in ur room until u r ready for them ... i hope all goes well good luck

I think you need to do what you think is best. Call her after you are settled. After she sees the baby for the first time, all anger will be gone. Hopefully your husband can be supportive in this decision.

L.

I don't think you are being hormonal at all. I think that giving birth is a significant life event and it is your body that will be on display and you will be the one in labor so your husband should respect your wishes. I told my husband that nobody was there when we made the baby so nobody should be there when we deliver. However...I will say this, after hours of labor and having numerous doctors and nurses look at me, I changed my mind at the last minute and allowed my mother to stay in the room while I delivered. I hardly knew she was there, but she often talks about it being the most exciting moment of her life. After Lucy was born we politely asked her to leave the room and she went and told my sisters who were waiting in the waiting area that Lucy had been born. We took probably close to an hour as a family bonding with Lucy and praying together before we allowed family back in. I'm not trying to convince you to change your mind, I'm just saying it may change naturally on that day. We were rejuvinated by our visitors after having been awake all night in labor.

So, maybe you could tell your mother in law that at this time you are not comfortable with having people waiting outside your room or being with your during the delivery, but you are open to changing your mind on that day--in which case you would call then and invite her to wait in the waiting room or whatever. Be sure to explain to her that you know this will be a lot of work for her and you feel you want to focus on bringing your child, her grandchild safely into the world. She should understand, she was in labor once as well...and if she doesn't, well I still think it's your decision to make! Let me know how it turns out!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
You are NOT being hormonal. It is your right to chose how you want your birth experience to be. Some people are more private while others want their whole family in the room. I have a pushy controlling mother and there was no way I was going to have her there trying to be in charge. Fortunately, both sides of my family were a couple hundred miles away so I didn't have to deal with this issue.

Your husband needs to learn that his family is now you, him and your baby. It is his job as a husband and father to protect and support you and your baby. Everyone else's concerns are less important. This may be very hard for him because he has grown up with his mother's constant influence. And it sounds like your mother-in-law is used to getting her way. The sooner he learns his role in supporting you the better, because I suspect issues like this with his mother are going to continually come up.

If you live in the Rockford area, Heartland church has a men's fraternity that might be helpful for your husband. There men get together to learn and support eachother in their efforts to live a good life despite all the outside societal influences which might lead them astray. Heartland also has a Marriage Matters class for married couples to learn to be better husbands and wives. I wish I had gone through this class a long time ago. It is fun and enlightening. If you don't live in the Rockford area, you might want to see if there is a church in your area with similar programs.

For now, I would suggest that you simply stop discussing the issue with your family. They already know your wishes and it doesn't sound like your mother-in-law will change her mind. When you go in to labor, tell no one until after you have had the baby and are ready. Chances are that you will go into labor or have the baby at night so this will be easier to do. And make sure your labor nurse and your doctor knows that you don't want any phone calls and don't want any information given out. The nurses and doctors are there to support your wishes because your whole birth experience will go a lot better when you are comfortable. They are experienced in dealing with relatives and can keep them out of your room. You are in charge and you need to do what is best for you.
I hope it all goes well for you!

HiSara! On one hand I can completely understand you wanting bonding time and alone time with your new baby and on the other hand, I can relate to your MIL for wanting to be there for the wonderful moment. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my father passed away when I was 2 mos along. My mom lived across the country, but I kept her informed of everything and she was here a week before until a week after to be with me and I was truly thankful. In the hospital, I told my OB to make sure when my dd was born, when leaving the delivery room to take her to be cleaned up, stop and show her to my mom. You didn't mention your mom specifically so I don't know the relationship you have with her, but if your dh is close with his mom and she is good to both of you, I would consider his feelings because he may want to share that moment with her and it is his baby too and he deserves to share in that decision. When my grandson was born, I didn't plan to be there as my son and Mommy were not living together at that time, but when she arrived at the hospital, she asked her mom to call me so we could both be there and I was thrilled to get that call! I have a pic of my son kissing his son at 4 minutes old and it is my favorite pic of them. You will bond with your baby no matter how many people are there, it is your child. Even if she is there, she doesn't have to be in the room right away, but she will feel a part of it just being there. She is not trying to take anything away from you, she just wants to share your joy. Becoming a grandparent is so amazing! We just can't believe our child is now having a child and we are soooo proud and so excited and we just want to be a part of it. You do have control of the situation, but please think about how you use it because we have read posts in this group of moms who wish their children's grandparents had a relationship with their kids and choose not to. I wish you luck and joy!
B.

When I had my children my family and his family was at the hospital and you can request to the nurses that no one is allowed in the delivery room and not in your room until you say it's ok but every hospital is different, if they really want to see the baby soon they can see the baby in the nursery when they are cleaning her/him up. I understand where the mother in law is coming from because this is not only you and your husband special time it is also her special time because her baby is having a baby and she probably gets alot of joy out of seeing her children have a baby. It is a very special time for you and his family. I know you want to have some bonding time with your child and believe me you will get it. They usually only let the family in after you and your baby are settled into your room and the baby has ate for the first time. Just let the hospital know they will take care of you. Just try to keep an open mind about how your husband feels too and him calling his mom may be VERY IMPORTANT to him. And yes alot of this is probably your hormones because your feeling alot different right now. But it will all be over soon and once you have your baby you'll want to show him/her off. I would let the family come to the hospital because if your in labor for a long time your husband is going to need support from the family, I know mine did, because it was very stressful for him because he was worried about the baby and me and didn't know how he could help me, he was even crying at one point. So they definitly need support. Just tell the nurses once again that no one is allowed into the room until your ready. OH and another thing believe me mother-in-laws can be a pain but if you love your husband you just have to deal with it.

I can see both sides to this situation. I think you can probably make some decisions that will make everyone happy. If you shun your MIL right now, the ill-feelings she gets from that experience will last for years to come.

Personally, I'd tell them when you're going to the hospital or at least have your DH call them once labor is confirmed (in case they end up sending you back home). You want them "on call" in case there are complications and DH needs their support. I realize that most deliveries are successful without emergencies, but you never know.

While at the hospital, and during delivery, I'd definitely tell the nurses that there will be NO visitors until you give the word. That way you'll have your privacy and your in-laws won't feel shut out. I don't go out of my way to protect my in-laws feelings, but I do consider them often because long after an event, they are still in our lives.

I didn't speak up loud enough for my first delivery. I was completely uncomfortable and couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I had his mom there pretty much from the beginning as well as my teenage brother-in-law. You are already exposed so much and it is such a raw experience. I'm introverted and have trouble getting used to people (even those that I know well). I felt like I had to accomodate and entertain everyone in the room which is energy draining enough for me...then add labor into that mix. Needless to say I ended up having to get an epidural sooner than I originally wanted to. And because of my son's positioning of the umbilical cord around every appendage of his body had to have a c-section. This is YOUR labor and delivery. If your mother-in-law doesn't like your birthing plan that's really something that she has to deal with herself. It may just be that when she had her child(ren) that no one other than hospital staff was aloud in the room and she finds it fascinating that others are able to participate now. However, as a mother herself she should understand that this is your decision and she, as someone who loves and cares for you, should support and HONOR your decision. Good luck!!!

You're probably being a bit hormonal, but I can understand your wanting a little family time to yourself before the chaos. Just keep in mind that the hospital time goes so fast it really won't matter who comes. Second, if she wants to sit in the waiting room while you're in labor, what's it gonna hurt? You won't even have to see her. If you're still worried you can always tell the nurses about your wishes & they can help send her home early. Try to be respectful, those Grandparents are really important folks & you'll need a babysitter down the road. I still have to remind my mom about pushing the boundaries. Try to consider how you're going to feel when this little one of yours has babies of their own... you can understand her excitement, so be patient.

Best of Luck!
L.

S.,

I too have a "pasionate" mother in-law. With two kids it gets very stressful at times to deal with. The entire situation whith her has caused numerous fights with my husband. After almost 9 years of having the same problem with her I have figured out the best way to handle these types of situations is to "PICK YOUR BATTLES". Although this may seem like a big deal, really it wouldn't hurt to at least let her be at the hospital in the waiting room until you guys get settled in. This is a big moment not only for you and your husband but also for your family. They are also excited and would love to share the memories with you. I'm sure when you look back your not going to want to remember fighting and arguing all the time. Also, think about how your husband feels trying to play mediator between his mother and his wife. Ultimatly you are the new mommy and what you want goes but just think of how you would feel if you were in her situation. Just a warning, the pushyness is not going to go away. So you need to learn how to pick what's really important and let the minor things go. Hope this helps out a little. Good luck with your new baby, I hope everything goes well. Keep us updated on how your doing.

S.,

I to have MIL issues. We would tell her our wishes and she would not listen to them. My husband also would not put his foot down with her. One time when our child was 5 he finally put his foot down and she pouted and wouldn't speak to us for a while. Many issues were "health or safety", so I was really mad. For example, she got a walker at a garage sale and insisted on putting our daughter in there, even though all advice and our (even hubby told her) explicit request was otherwise. Anyway, this controlling issue has resulted in us not leaving our child at grandma's. I or my hubby always have to be there. It's really sad, but we don't see any other choice as she refuses to do what we ask. I suggest the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. You may want to even show her this message in hopes of showing her that your wishes need to be heeded. By the way, I had no MIL issues for the first 4 years of marriage, just after the baby.

Best wishes,
C.

I'm more concerned about your husband putting his mother before you - and that's exactly what he's doing when he'd rather not make her mad. If he doesn't stand up to her now, it's just going to get much, much worse down the road.

You may be slightly hormonal, Yes. I understand you wanting time to bond with your baby before everyone. But There will be time while you are at the hospital to bond. The first moments after you have the baby are wonderful and you will remember them and the staff will make sure this moment is yours. You have to remember though that this moment is special for her also.

It is your baby. Not hers! If you want to have time to yourself with your child, tell the nursing staff you wishes. Tell your doctor too. They have the ultimate power over who comes into the room and who stays out. This takes all the pressure off your husband. The nurses will help you and take care of your needs. I requested no one in and they were very helpful. Who is giving birth? YOU!

OMG! I was the EXACT same way, but except it was my own mother! I just told her this is My child and I will do it how I want. I want the first couple hours to bond with my son. She was SO mad about it until she got to meet my son for the first time. Just dont call, I know it sounds bad, but if she cant except your wishes then you just have to do what you really want. This is a special time for you and your husband, she had her special time when she had her children. That is all I did. I wasnt going to let ANYONE ruin the most special day of my life just because she wanted to imposs. I wouldnt have done it any other way. When I decide to have my 2nd child, I plan on doing the same thing, but hopefully this time she will understand more.

Hi S.,
I do not think you are hormonal or being picky. I think you need to just have the baby...I don't think I would even tell them when you go into labor. You do not need extra stress at that time. It is YOUR birth and you and your husband should have that special bonding time. I also think it is important that you and your husband agree on this if possible but if not, you are the one giving birth and therefore in my opinion YOU have the final say on that.
Please make it your special day and even if you only call her after the birth, that is ok. I do think that your husband could take one minute to call her. Did you already tell her which hospital? If you have not told her and can get your husband to agree, why not just go to the hospital, have the baby, don't tell her where and then have your husband call and give her the scoop? That can take about 5 minutes or 10 and then it is done. If she knows where you are giving birth and you do not want her to come there in person then you might need to wait until the next day or something and then tell her.
These of course are just ideas and I have not been in your position (in more than one way, I am an adoptive parent). But I do know what you are talking about because MY mother is like that too. And that is what I would do in your shoes. Best to you. I hope that things are ok once the baby is there, be firm but she wants to be a grandma too and if she is local, you may need the help as you adjust to it too but probably after your husband goes back to work. I had my MIL come stay for a week after he went back to work and I was amazed, she did my laundry, cooked and cleaned. MY mother on the other hand just played with my son and didn't lift a finger even though I was nursing every two hours and a first time mother (I know I didn't give birth but I was still tired and overwhelmed!).
L.

I was similarly looking forward to the fact that my husband and I were living 10 hours from any family at all when we were expecting. Then I heard that my mother planned to be there for the birth of my son. I totally flipped out and started ranting to my husband that I didn't want her there. He told me I couldn't hurt her feelngs that way, so I didn't. It turned out to be some of the best advice he has given me to date. I was so happy, once the pain began, to have someone there with me who was genuinely concerned about my well being as well as someone who had gone through exactly what I had. While everyone's situation is different, I really worked out for me even though I was initially opposed to the idea of having family present. Just thought I'd share my situation.

well, this is just my opinion and there is a way you can stop anyone and that's to tell the nurses station your request and when you want it lifted. I feel you because it can be a crowded mess and that time is yours and Dad's. Stand up to her , don't give in unless it's what you desire and ask her to forgive you, but this is what the both of you want.

you need to relax and let your husband feel the joy of this new addition to your family. He sounds like he wants to share it with everyone and you might be holding him back. He wants to please everyone. Make a midddle of the road dission. He can call his parents but they need to be poliet and wait until the time is right to come and see the baby. If you are sharing details with everyone then it is totally normal for them to want to be there for the birth of the child.
At our hospital you can have your room and name to where noone can know if you are in the hospital or what room you are in. It is HIPPA rules. (privacy act). So when you go into labor and they ask you those questions remember to tell them that you do not want your information to be public.

Good luck and remember that this is a joyous time for EVERYONE. and try not to leave anyone out.

Since you've made it clear to your families that you have no desire to see them soon after birth, this really shouldn't be a problem. Don't call anyone and then explain to the doctors and nurses, that its DO NOT DISTURB until you see fit to allow them to be a part of this new life. They do this all the time and are used to being the "bad guys". Hope your day goes exactly as you want it to.

How blessed you are to be having a baby and how lucky to have in-laws that want to join in the excitement. I'm a military spouse, and I had my first child 16 hours away from my parents. They started driving as soon as we went to the hospital, but they didn't get there until several hours after the delivery. You should be glad that your family is so close to you and wants to share this blessing.

Chances are, right after the baby is born, you will get some time to cuddle him/her, but then they will take the baby to get washed and checked over. You will probably be exhausted, drugged, physically and mentally drained, and will most likely want a chance to sleep. What is the harm in letting your in-laws gaze at their new grandbaby while you rest up. You will have countless hours in the middle of the night for the first 2-3 years to bond with your baby completely alone with no interference.

Granted, I don't know the whole story, the dynamics in your family. Maybe there is some other reasons you don't want them there. I just think you're making a big deal out of something that can be so much fun for everybody. Let her come and wait in the waiting room for 12 hours bored to death and make her wait to look at the baby thru the nursery window if you must. There is lots of room for compromise.

look i had my first child oct.3, 2005 i truely understand but my mother in law is gone but before sabrina was born it was they though i wasn't able to be a mother and wife but it came out to be different after she was born so tell her yourself how you feel it make you feel make beter

I had to deal with that when my daughter was born, but it was with my mother.(mine was a planed C-Section) We finally decided that She could wait downstairs in the lobby and when when they were done with me and I was in recovery that my husband would go down and tell the everything. Then later that night they could all come back and see me and the baby. She wasn't happy at all about it, but she finally got over it. It was hard on me too. My doctor told me that whatever I wanted is what I would get. He said that the nurses and himself would not allow anyone in the waiting room on the same floor as us, or in the hall; if that is what we wanted. I hope that everything goes well for you and your family. I know that this can be a trying time, even though it is to be one of the happiest times in your life.

Hi S.,

I do understand your position in wanting some privacy and alone time to bond. However, I also understand why your mother-in-law wants to be present. Despite your mother-in-law being pushy and demanding, in the end, family is everything. She is probably very hurt that you don't consider her close enough to participate in such a joyous moment. She is eager is see her grandson, the first child of her son.

As for pushy mother-in-laws, sigh, I feel for you. I can tell you that with babies, mother-in-laws become extra pushy. They call and give you their advice about how to handle things and it becomes awkward when you want to try a different way, something in a book or something a friend recommended. In my personal experience, the best way to deal with this is to listen, nod your head, and say okay (not in agreement, but that you heard). Then later on when they're not around, do whatever you want. It's kinda lying and two-faced, but unfortunately, b/c what they don't know won't hurt them.

Although you may not want any help in the beginning, I've been told by others who felt the same way, that the next day they're clamoring for the phone to call for help.

Perhaps, instead of thinking of your intermediate family, you could share and extend your happiness to your extended family as well.

I have been in this exact situation except it was with my mother. I felt very stressed and later discovered it was beyond unnecessary for me to have been so. I ended up allowing my family to come to the hospital's waiting room only and to be honest after the birth, I was so happy to have more people to share it with. I honestly thought I could never want them there and the excitement of the baby's arrival was so much for me that I just wanted to shout from the roof tops and let everyone who cared to listen that they should come see this beautiful miracle. They were kind enough to not stay long and I was also grateful for that.

My sister had the same situation as well except she lives far away from family, and because she was adamant that she didn't want anyone there, everyone pretty much didn't book a flight to visit until she was home and ready for visitors. My sister got very depressed after the baby arrived because no one was there for her. SHe discovered later that she really did want us there after all and we weren't there in the first moments when it would have been a great time for emotional support to celebrate the joy of her 1st child. She has since been quite resentful and gets overly emotional if someone doesn't come to see every so often. She lives so far away and for most of us it isn't feasible for us to up and fly an entire family her direction, so she still feels that resentment even though her child is now 1.5 yrs old. It has been an endless cycle for her that I think would not have been as much of an issue had she just set boundaries, but still tried to allow for the support that she wasn't aware that she needed when she made her decision.

Remember this event will never happen again. I mean you may have more babies, but THIS baby will only make one entrance into the world. The hospitals usually make it quite a show for visitors these days. After baby arrives, mom has a chance to nurse if she chooses and dad holds baby while mom gets cleaned up this takes 30-60 minutes. THen baby and mom are taken to their room for their 2 day stay. After mom is there, baby is immediately taken away to get cleaned up (unless clean up happened in the room after birth which some hospitals are known for) and they get taken for all sorts of testing, a vitamin K shot, sometimes hep b shot unless mom says no or unless they do it the next day of testing, etc. After that 1-2 hour period the baby is returned to mom unless she chooses to keep baby in the nursery. That 1-2 hours of testing, etc is usually done in a nursery where they have large viewing windows and visitors can watch and photograph the event. I never would have seen some of the things done to my babies had it not been for my family photographing it and sharing it with me later. My babies pediatrician was there right away and saw my oldest just 45 minutes after he was born. I have some great shots of him interacting with him as well as some of my son getting bathed and his hair combed. With my 1st delivery I could not go anywhere for a couple of hours because I chose to have an epidural and I could not move my legs much less stand on them for a few hours...so I couldn't see all those things.

After my 1st child and experience with not wanting my family there but then allowing them there, it made me realize I wanted them there for my 2nd and 3rd child. With my 2nd child, fewer people came to visit even in the hospital because of the 1st child fiasco and I was sad to not have some of my family to see my newest addition as well as to share my amazing no-meds birth story. I felt like no one cared and it was all because they thought I didn't care enough to include them.

Also one thing I did was told my nurses to keep my family OUT while I Was in labor. I wanted no one there during that time and I would definitly keep that rule for my future births if I have more children. I also prepped my family that the hospital had a strict rule that only 2 people could be there in the room during labor and it was going to be my hubby and my nurse/doula friend. They all accepted that, though my mom was angry at first. That rule was not true entirely but they believed it was and with my nurses keeping my family it - it was true. Good luck on your special day. I hope you have the birth experience you desire and remember that no matter what, it won't go exactly how you plan and after the fact you will appreciate the way things did go for what it was.

B. :)

Hi S.!!!

I didn't have this problem but I have a friend who did. Her mother-in-law wanted the whole family to be there waiting during the birth so they could see the baby right after. She just had to put her foot down and say that's not what she wanted. You are NOT being hormonal, it's your first child and I understand you wanting those first couple of hours all to yourselves. When I had my son (he's 10 months old now!!) nobody came until about 4 hours after I delivered and let me tell you, you are going to want that time. Not only to spend time with your baby but that time for yourself to feel like having visitors. Right after birth I didn't feel like seeing any family members but I had four hours with my little guy and then I was more than happy to see our families when they fianally came. My advice, put your foot down!!! You and your husband should go to her togther and tell her exactly how you feel and then follow through with your plan of not having visitors until you feel like it!!! Congrats and good luck!!!! It will all be forgotten in the end!!!

"I hear you loud and clear", or "been there done that"...either phrase would work well inserted here! We had our son in March '06 and I felt the same way as you do. I am the type of person that needs a moment! haha... When I walk into a new store I take a moment to look around and get a feel for it before I just walk into an aisle. If I'm that way over a store... well my first child might require a few hours to adjust to, plus our son was being born with a birth defect that we had no way of knowing how severe it would be, I wanted natural labor with no drugs (ya... right), I wanted to breastfeed as soon as I could and wasn't comfortable with the idea of trying it in front of a crowd for the first time... yes, yes... I know how you feel and you are not being hormonal or selfish. This is YOUR day to become a Mommy to your new baby, and a parent with your husband, your mother in law should chill, seriously.
My husband is particularly close with his family so I think they assumed they would all be there in the delivery room watching me push away. NO WAY. I decided that while my husband does play a large part in this whole baby thing, its about ME that day. He won't be the one having labor pains, epidurals, pushing, hemmerroids later, bleeding... no its about me. So, when my mother in law felt she had a rightful place in the room with us, or to even be there that day I had to flat out tell her "no". You have way too much going on that day to have to worry about what your mom-in-law is up to. My husband was met with much resistance from my mom-in-law, of course, she's his mother, so you may need to handle the situation yourself.
Start out by explaining why you want the day alone, and keep talking if she starts getting defensive. Make her listen to you, and end the conversation with "we will call to let you know when we are ready for you to come to the hospital." You can even assure her that she and your parents will be the first to meet the new baby. Hopefully she will respect your wishes after YOU have made them very clear. However, she may very well get upset at you, but trust me, that will all blow over once she meets her new grandchild. Babies have a way of making us forget. :o)
On a new note, I'm very excited for you! I remember being in your shoes and it was such a wonderful time! Just wait until you hold your precious baby... you'll just be in awe and amazed that there really is such a thing as love at first sight... and then after about the first three or four months things will just take off and become your new and improved version of "normal" and everyday will be amazing and someting new and beautiful! Good Luck!! and at the very least, just know that if your mother-in-law does decide to show up unannounced, you can tell the nurses you do not want her in your room, they'll keep her out, you are in charge that day, but on that day if she shows up you may be so excited and things might be flowing just right that you'll surprise yourself and you'll welcome her in. You just never know. Best wishes!! :o)

Honey this is your's and your husband's baby. And it's YOUR day. Stand your ground. Tell your husband that you expect his support and you aren't backing down. Hormonal or not, they have no right ot push you past your comfort zone.

If this is a stressor for you, remind your loving husband that you will have enough on our mind during labor and delivery without his mother adding to it. He should also be reminded that you will be in a compromised position. Pain makes us act differently. You expect him to protect you, just as he promised you in your vows...and adding stress to an already stressful situation is NOT doing that.

Hospitals require YOUR permission as a patient to let people into your room. Not your husband's. Let the hospital staff, nurses, and doctors know when you get there that, under no circumstances is anyone but your husband allowed in your room until you state otherwise.

Once you've made this clear to everyone around you, put it out of your mind and enjoy the miracle that is forthcoming!

(And, as the mother of two, don't be ashamed to ask for that epidural! It will make things go faster, less stressfully, and of course, less painfully!!!)

Good luck!!!

C.

Hi S., unfortunately I have had a similar situation as yours. I did not want children to be at my wedding reception because of financial reasons. Well, no matter what reason the Bride....or in your case the Mother to Be has.....they should call all the shots. The family sabotaged my wedding and quit talking to me for YEARS after that.....no matter if I apologized!! SO, explain your desires and then drop it. Your Mom-In-Law obviously has mental OCD issues and you better nip it in the bud from day one!! There is no need to worry or stress out your baby.......just state your requests nicely and MOVE ON!! Let her deal with her issues. Good Luck!!

My husbands niece had her second child, we were all at the hospital but immediatellly after the baby was born they didn't allow anyone in to see the baby until thier little "family" had time to be alone together(mon, dad and big sister). Everyone understood, and I thought it was the coolest thing. It is a special time for your family, extended family is the best thing in the world, but it's a special time for mom, dad and baby. I don't think you'll regret it. When I had my son, after invitro and 5 monthhs of bedrest, I regret having all those people around with all that was going on, my husband and I really didn't have time for those first special moments. Giving birth to him was wonderful, but all the distractions afterword took the intimacy out of the situation.
Best of Luck!

Dear S.,
Best wishes for your upcoming birth! I sincerely hope all goes well for you and whatever you decide to do.

I was in a similiar situation with my mother in law when my first daughter was born. She came to the hospital with us when I went into labor. My labor progressed very quickly and I was unable to get an epidural or any pain meds. I was scared and in pain and overall not in the mood to deal with my pushy mother in law. She demanded to the nurses and doctor to let her into the delivery room and basically pissed off all of the medical staff around the place. The doctor finally told me and my husband that if we did not deal with her that security would be called and that my husband and the mother in law would be escorted out of the hospital. My husband had to leave my side for a few minutes risking missing the birth and everything so he could go out and basically tell her to leave and then notified the hospital staff that if she was any more problem then to contact the security on her and have her removed and that he would not be responsible for her actions.

It was a bad situation and in the end my husband had to just take charge. The mother in law left for the night and returned the next day. She did not congratulate us nor did she even look at us or even take pictures of us......only of our daughter and she left and did not return until......The bad situation got worse when she demanded to come over at the very moment of our arriving home with the baby. She threw a fit and my husband and she ended up getting into a big argument and the police had to be called to our house to have her removed. She chose to not speak to us for almost an entire year and only saw our daughter just a couple of bad times throughout the year.

By the time our second daughter was born. My husband had already told her that she would not be invited to the birth and that we would contact her once the baby was born and then again when we were ready to visit with her. It made the birth experience a whole LOT better! And her attitude and demandingness regarding the birth was much better dealing with it beforehand than during the birthing situation.

My suggestion is to do your best to inform her that you will be in a stressful situation anyway and want to enjoy it without adding extra pressure of others being involved during the labor process. If she is any kind of loving caring person, she should understand that this is your wonderful moment and not hers!

I wish you good luck with your situation and certainly hope that your mother in law does not cause you as much trouble as mine did.

Enjoy your birth!!!!!

T.

I was in the same position when we had our first and second children. My mother-in-law lived in another town, so I had the benefit of surprise as it was early, her having to pack, nad the drive. In your case, I would suggest you tell your husband that you want the experience between just the two of you. Tell him you want a chance to relax after all of that work if only for long enough to hold your baby and feel more presentable. Ask that he meet you half way. As soon as you are released the birthing romm, then he can call her. That will at least give you a little bit of time. By that point he may decide that he would actually like to hold his child to. Also, point out that while his mom may hate to feel herself losing complete control of him, she will get over it quickly when she does have the opportunity to see the baby. It will be long forgotton by then. Keep in mind that you may want someone there, or you could always let him tell your mom that your house is a disaster and ask that she run over and clean it up before she comes. That would let her feel like she was helping, and when you do go to the hospital things probably will not be perfect at home, you will probably feel unprepared, and knowing that she will have it ready would allow you to relax.

S.,
you are the one who is doing all the work.. not the inlaws.. not your hubby .. YOU ..
so as someone who has been in your shoes .. Don't give in at all But don't make them wait 5-6 hours to see this wonderful new baby....if you don't want them there guess what .. not your problem...it is your baby not theres...
if they have to wait an hour no big deal.. they can get over it... IF you let Mom-in law get over on you now .. it will only get worse as baby gets older.. mom -in law sounds a bit like a control FREAK... best of luck and I hope you get what you want out of this..