Teenagers and Parties

If this is just starting (the party stuff), then I think a call to the parents to say, "I understand there is a party on X date and I just want to make sure that you are aware of it and will be supervising." Then you can add in, "I'm not sure how many kids you are expecting, and I wonder if there's something I can do to help you with preparations or to help manage the crowd. I know it's hard to do all the work and then go in and out of the party without being a nuisance but still keeping an eye on things." That makes you sound cooperative and also vigilant. You'll get some idea from their tone about how they are handling things.

I think there are all kinds of concerns: drugs & alcohol, sure. But also, what happens if uninvited kids show up and it gets out of hand? What about unsecured firearms or prescription drugs in the house? Some kid goes the bathroom and rifles through the medicine cabinet or the gun cabinet while the parents are busy making popcorn and appetizers? So your safety issues with your daughter need to cover all the bases.

Do you have a code with her? If not, google a safety word or code that she can text you if things get uncomfortable. We had a pact with our son (you can find them on line) which was that we would come get him anytime, and we would endure any bad stuff he said about us if it was his way to extricate himself from a dangerous or uncomfortable situation. We didn't care if he saved face by telling his friends that his damn idiot parents (insert any 4 letter words you want) were demanding that he come home now because we had some stupid curfew or wanted him to visit with Aunt Agnes - we went and got him. We also had a deal that, if he called us due to drinking or drugs (him or others), we would not ground him or punish him for it, nor would we even discuss it that night - we'd just get him home. There's a common idea to text "X" to your parents but too many people know that one. The idea is, if anyone sees his phone, the texts look innocuous. So something like "Did you buy more cheese" or "did you iron my blouse for tomorrow" would work better. So it's more important for you to set the stage now and tell your daughter that you KNOW this situation will occur, maybe not this week or this month, but at some point, and there has to be an agreement that protects her without penalizing her for telling you.

We did this very early with our son, and it worked really well. He knew we were monitoring things and loved him, and would be the "bad guys" if need be. When he got picked up in college for underage drinking, he had to call us and tell his coach - and that was a hard call for him to make. What we said was, "We know this was a really hard call for you to make!" We added that there was nothing we could say that would make it worse that what he'd already been through, and he'd have to endure the consequences (missing a meet and whatever else was meted out). He never did it again. That was the goal, and it worked.

So talk to your daughter. You may get the "eye roll" and the "Mooommmmmm, my friends aren't like that!" To which you say, "I know, but sometimes other kids show up and your friends may not know how to handle it. If you get picked up by the cops for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, there's nothing we can do. So, like fire drills, let's have a plan just in case, and hope it never has to be used."

My first thought was that even if you don't know the parents now, you can get to know them. Tell your daughter that you need to talk to the kid's parents first, so you need their contact information. Then, call them and introduce yourself, ask about the gameplan for the party, their location, when the event starts and ends, etc. You should verify anyhow that the parents will be there and actually within earshot (not upstairs on the third floor, never seen, as happened in the house of one of my high school friends...). The parents probably should have your names and phone #s too. ETA: You might mention to the parents that you have heard that a few of kids have smoked pot on other occasions and perhaps the two of you can think of some ways to make it less likely for that to happen at this party.

My kids were always able to go to parties, but I always spoke to a parent first. A requirement for my kids to be allowed to go to parties was that they had to provide me with the phone number of a parent and I would call and make sure that they knew about the party, would be home, etc. If I knew that a home was lax or that there was a history of party problems, my kids weren't allowed to go. But if the parents sounded like normal, sane, responsible people and my kid knew other people going, I would give it the green light. Also when dropping off, I would find the parent, introduce myself, chat for bit, etc. I always found it weird that when we hosted parties, some parents whom we didn't know would just drop off without calling to make sure we were home or saying hello.

I'm not there quite yet, but my siblings have been there. They would call ahead and talk to the parents - just to make sure there really were going to be parents there and just to say "hi, we're so and so's parents ..". I think the big thing was - they just wanted to know what the deal was (really parents at home, what was the deal with drinking, driving, that sort of thing).

If you don't know the parents, introduce yourself.

We did allow our daughter to go to parties. It's a part of growing up. We spoke with parents to make sure there would be supervision.

When we hosted large coed parties we hired an off duty police officer. Our rule.... if anyone left the party, they did not come back.

It really depends on a lot of different factors.
Talk to the parents - get a feel for what they are like.
Some parents are not your friends - they don't care about underage drinking, etc - you've got to watch out for those types - but fortunately they are rare.

I like group parties in public parts of the house or yard - bedrooms are off limits.
For instance - my son went to a pool party - back yard viewed from many houses - parents were present in view - available, tending food/snacks/soda/water - but not hovering.
Parties where parents are there - but the party is in the basement and parents never come downstairs - is not really a good idea.

How do you know the parents will be home if you don't know them? I would have to verify that myself with the parents.

I think you should talk to your daughter about your concerns about the pot issue. Let her know your expectations regarding substance use, including your consequences if she makes that choice. Even if she adamantly denies she will be using, she's going to be around substance users at a party, and she's putting herself at risk for all kinds of trouble. Ask her to walk you with you what she would do if/when pot comes out. Ask her to spend a little time giving that some serious thought.

If it does check out that the parents are home and supervising, I'd let her go. But I'd be picking her up at the end of the evening, since this is a new place to her. No sleep-overs quite yet

If she's 10 then no, I'd go along and stay.

If she's 13 then I'd probably call the parents and have a chat with them, I'd probably ask the parents of the girl's friends to see what they knew about these people. I'd expect her to have her phone fully charged and on so that I could call her at any time and if she wanted a ride home she could call me.

If she's 15 or older then I'd probably be okay with it because our girl is pretty adamant about what she is willing to do and what she doesn't like.

I let my kids go to parties and movies etc. I tried the best I could to introduce myself to the parents. If not in person, definitely a phone conversation. I also talked to my kids about smoking cigarettes and pot and other drugs. We had a good line of communication. They also knew that if something happened, they could call me no matter what. Honestly, sometimes, I would let them go and then think, "oh why did I let them: but like it is said, it is part of growing up and they have to learn to make good decisions, even if a couple are not so good. Introduce your self to the parents and have a talk with your daughter.

Talk to the parents and feel them out.

Oh boy I am living this right now! My daughter is 17 and a senior at HS I don't know how old your daughter is. In a perfect world we can call each household that have these "parties" for underage kids and check all our concerned questions off our list. But in reality it sometimes doesn't work out that way. My daughter goes to most parties out of her school district on purpose. I know the girls she goes with and make sure they have sober safe rides to & fro. I constantly talk to my daughter about the safety measures and have been for years! I have to trust her that it has all sunk in and she knows right from wrong. She does have a curfew! Midnight. I have no problem driving them home if need be. I try and get an address either mapquest it or do a drive by to make sure it's in a good neighborhood. Because it can get rough in some areas surrounding me. Always be
Up & awake when she gets in and have a conversation with her before she goes to bed. She will be ok! Part of growing up. Just think....college around the corner & we won't know much about this at all! Hang in! All the best!

I have 2 kids. For the first one, a now 21 yo girl, I knew 75% of the parents of any party she went to. For my other, a 17yo boy, it's the opposite. I still let him go. For both of them the rules were the same, don't get in a car with anyone under the influence. If you drink anything you have to stay over or call me to get you. I will drive you and anyone else home that needs a ride, no questions asked.
I think you have to prepare them a bit for these situations. If you know that the kids are really bad news, then I would say no. I guess it really depends on your kid, not so much the parents of where they are going.

Updated

I have 2 kids. For the first one, a now 21 yo girl, I knew 75% of the parents of any party she went to. For my other, a 17yo boy, it's the opposite. I still let him go. For both of them the rules were the same, don't get in a car with anyone under the influence. If you drink anything you have to stay over or call me to get you. I will drive you and anyone else home that needs a ride, no questions asked.
I think you have to prepare them a bit for these situations. If you know that the kids are really bad news, then I would say no. I guess it really depends on your kid, not so much the parents of where they are going.