What Is a Fair Curfew for an 18-Year Old Daughter Living at Home?
September 20, 2011
Redwood City, CA
Hello there. My husband and I have a single daughter who will be turning 18 in June and has been commenting that she shouldn't have a curfew once she is 18. She will still be living at home and attending the community college for the next two years. My husband has already set her straight that while she is living at home and even though she is 18 she cannot do whatever she wants and will need to respect our home. We have set her curfew at 1 a.m. once she turns 18. She doesn't like this of course, and comments about moving out like most teenagers do out of frustration. My husband and I are not lienient parents and have always given our daughter a curfew. Right now her curfew is 12:30 on Friday and Saturday nights, which we feel is very generous. Her curfew use to be midnight, but she complained so much that her other friends curfews was 1 a.m. or later and if we could change the curfew to be a bit later. Since she has been doing very well in school, we told her we would extend her curfew to 12:30 a.m. My daughter would like her curfew to be 2:30 once she turns 18, but my husband and I don't agree. Her friends currently have later curfews than she does at age 17, so she feels 1 a.m. is not fair when she turns 18. What do you ladies think is a fair curfew for a soon-to-be 18 year old young lady living at home. She's a good student and responsible at her part-time job. Thank you for any advice!
I have to agree with you 100%. My thinking is there isn't anyr eason to be out past 1 am. The bars close and I would worry about drunk people out driving after 1 anyway. More power to her if she wants to move out as my parents told me "good luck". SO good luck to you both and as I stated there is not a reason to be out any later.
Haven't read what others said but here is what my parents did for my sister and me (we both lived at home until we were 21--our parents wanted us to save our money). With a father that was a police officer for 28 years, he'd seen just about everything that can happen in the early and wee hours of the night. They sat us down, explained that they know that you can get into trouble at any hour of the day (car accident, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.), but that a large majority of the problems arise in the evening hours. Our curfew was set at 1:00 a.m. and then 2:00 a.m. when we were 20. They explained that they worried about us, on the road with the less responsible people--those that took drugs or those that drink and drive. They said they trusted us not to do those things. After I saw how many of my friends/acquaintances had to deal with these issues (a couple of them killed by drunk drivers while they were "good" and minding their own business and driving home at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m.), I realized what my folks were talking about. My parents said they couldn't sleep while waiting to hear that front door open, and I don't blame them. When kids move out, parents worry (I've got 2 out now), but when they are gone you don't know what they are doing, where they are, who they are with, what time they get in, etc., and so you have to let it go. You still worry as a parent, but it isn't thrust in your face. I understood then that if my parents were going to "support" me that the least I could do was give them a good night's sleep. And looking back on it, whatever I was doing from about 11:00 p.m. until 1:00/2:00 a.m. really wasn't that much fun.
I have to agree with you 100%. My thinking is there isn't anyr eason to be out past 1 am. The bars close and I would worry about drunk people out driving after 1 anyway. More power to her if she wants to move out as my parents told me "good luck". SO good luck to you both and as I stated there is not a reason to be out any later.
I think your curfew is completely fair for a daughter who is still being supported at home. Tell her when she lives elsewhere and is supporting herself she can stay out as late as she wants. I haven't read the other moms' responses, but I'm betting most of them agree with you, so maybe you can show your daughter their responses.
I would make exceptions for certain occasions, when there might be a really good reason for staying out until 2:30, like some amazing party or ??? (I can't think of too many reasons to be out that late -- even when I partied pretty heavily in my 20's, and believe me - I PARTIED - it seemed that most of the action stopped at 1:00 a.m.)
Daughter -- if you read this -- most things that happen after 1:00 a.m. are NOT GOOD.
And p.s. - Tell her to move out then -- I think she'll find it's not that easy to support herself.
I am the father of a 18 yr. old daughter whom I raised in private Christian school and was strict on where she went and who she hung out with, But as you understand being a parent regardless if your child goes to private or public school you are only trying to look after their best interest because after all we did learn from our mistakes...right? We also have a son who is 15 and a daughter who is 13. Our 18 year old goes to a community college fulltime and works part time. She is very smart and was raised to understand that hard work is what it takes to be successful. She had to get a job her senior year to pay for most of her insurance to be able to drive and I did provide her a used car. Well about 5 months ago and 5 months after she turned 18 she told us that she was moving out with a girl she works with. My first reaction was no you are not moving out! But after trying to tell her how good she had it at home where she had no expenses basically she still wanted to leave. This just tore me up that my baby girl was doing this! I also think this had something to do with a boyfriend who seemed to be a person that had some sense; he worked and went to school also. Well she moved out and is living in a duplex about 10 miles away with her girlfriend and the place has a lot of bugs and roach's. Well it has been about 5 months now and she and her boyfriend have split up and she is all tore up over that and she has been spending a lot of time back at home. She still goes to her place and spends the night but she is also spending night’s here.I love having her showing up here now it is wonderful to see her more! Now to answer your question about a curfew... I wrote that when she moved out how it tore me up! I worried about her constantly not being here! Well she was 18 and wanted her freedom but I wasn't ready to let the bird out of the cage, after all I did my job raising her, she knows what’s right and wrong. It has taken all this to make me "DAD" 51 yrs. old to realize she has to start making her own decisions and I have to let her and hopefully she will listen to some of my advice. I want her at home so while she has been here she pretty much comes and goes as she desires. I do not question her very much at all about where she is going but i do ask her to give me some kind of window when we might expect her home or even if she is coming home or going back to her place. I am trying to let her see she can have her freedom and live back home. I would much rather have her here doing her thing than being on her own where I don't see her. I grant you this it is hard letting her do her own thing and some of the people she has been hanging around with does not set well within me but I have to have faith in her that she will make the right choices. I hope i have help in some way. Just pray that she sews the right seeds you know the phrase they need to sew their oats after all we did too.
Ok here is the best advice I can give you for her. I say that since she is a good student and will be 18 soon you should give her a curfew of 1:30 am. I say this time cause its 30 minutes past what you wanted but its 30 minutes before bars and clubs close. You don't want you daughter to have a later curfew than that cause that's when people try to drive home after drinking at clubs and bars. My parents had this rule for me and I respected it because I knew it was fair and they didn't want me to get in any accidents with drunk drivers. Now you need to tell her though that if she disobeys this 1:30 curfew it will go back to 1 am. This should help her not disobey the curfew. Hope this helps and don't give in to a later curfew cause its potentually dangerous
HI Rose, I see the point of you and your husband about giving your daughter a curfew, and I feel that you are right. I have a son who turned 18 in April and will soon be going office to college while still living at home in Sept. He is responsible and I trust him HOWEVER he will be in my home and respecting my home is a must. I understand that once college starts that he will be working and hanging out with friends when he can, however the rule in my home is and will be that he must be in at the time designated. When he is out on his own he can come and go as he pleases but until then the rules will still apply. I also have other children in the home and do not wish for them to be disturbed in the middle of the night if he is keeping late hours. I feel that what ever you and your husband set as a curfew is what will work for the two of you. there is really no one that can say what will work best in your household but the two of you. I am sure that you will make the best choice for you and your family. It is still your home no matter how old your children are and they must respect what the rules are.
It sounds like you guys got it under control. You and your husband are being very fair to her. I think 1 -1:30 am is a good curfew. Mine was 1:30, and if I was going to be late I would call to let my mom know and everything would be good, that didn't happen all the time if I wanted her trust. Hope things work out.
I think you are absolutely being fair. We just gave our daughter who is 18 and graduating this year a midnight curfew. After she is out of school, she will probably get a 1:00 am. Lets face it, she can't get into any clubs, so what will she be doing at that hour and where? Sorry, but rules are rules and if you want to stay in our home, you have to follow them. Most of the time she's in before midnight anyway, so really giving her a later curfew shouldn't really come into play. Our daughter will also be going to community college and that is when we will see how responsible she will be with the later curfew of 1:00. If she comes in later, she will have to face the music. Right now she knows she has it good. I don't believe she will do anything to mess it up. You and your husband should stick to your guns.
At 18 all three of my boys had a curfew of 2 AM for several reasons: 1) My husband and I both had to get up and go to work in the morning so 2 AM gave us plenty of uninterrupted sleep, even if we were called upon to pick any of them up for any reason. 2) 18 is not the "adult" legal age in the USA, 21 is. An 18 year old is not old enough to go into a bar or most clubs. My question always was, "what legitimate activity required staying out past 2 AM?" 3) My house, my rules---don't like it, try living on your own.
While I appreciate the new found freedom of turning 18 and the less rigid rules at school, I also know that doing away with all rules can lead to trouble. At 18, living at home should be considered a priviledge, not a right. And one more thought, many times my boys would tell me their curfew was much earlier than their friends so I checked with the friends parents and found that was not the case. It was their way to attempt to convince me to lighten up. I think too often we abandon all rules and guidelines for our children at 18, and while they think they're adults (and some parents do as well), they're not. My youngest lived at home until the age of 27. Once he finished college, he paid rent. The entire time he had a curfew of 2 AM because we still had to get up and go to work very early in the morning. On the rare nights he wanted to stay out beyond that, he spent those nights at a friends apartment. Frankly, I think that only happened a handful of times in 10 years. Since he was working, or had early classes, he needed to get a full night's sleep himself.
My recommendation is that you do what you feel works best for your family and set a limit (or no limit) based on how you feel in your gut. Based on the responses you've had so far, either decision could be the right one.
I'm not sure what a fair curfew might be but have your considerd a reasonable "open" curfew? By that I mean, have her tell you her plans for the evening and then agree on a time to be home based on her plans. Like, if she's going to a 10pm movie and then to Denny's for late night meal, it would be reasonable to expect her home between 1:30 and 2 am. If she's going to a party that starts at 9:00, maybe she could reasonably be home by 12:30.
It's a little more work night by night, but it will require her to tell you her plans rather than just being free to do whatever until 1am.
This is the way my mom did curfew with me when I would come home from college and it worked great! I felt like I was being trusted and could be repsonsible part of the decision making process... my mom (I think) got to know where I was and have a say in when I'd be back.
You are more then fair with your daughter. She should be happy you care enough about her to want her home. I had the same curfew when I was her age. If she does not like it she can move out and pay rent, buy her own food, furnish her apartment, buy a car and put gas in it, pay for her own tune ups, insurance, repairs, electricity, PG&E and everything else she wants.
She does not know how easy she has it. She is not old enough to go to clubs or bars so she really has no reason to be out at 2:30 in the morning.
There can be exceptions on occasion when she is going to a party for some friends and she has been doing well and has no school the next day but then she can talk to you both for permission.
She has to understand there are rules when you live in someone's household whether it be at home or room mates.
My son is also 18, and he has a curfew of midnight, and he will continue to have that curfew as long as he lives with us. If there is a special occasion, he can call and ask permission to stay out later, but that very rarely happens, because that permission is rarely given. My son so far has been OK with this. I explained to my son that there are mainly 2 reasons for a curfew while he lives with us. The first and main reason is consideration for other people in the home. It is a matter of civility and respect. My son knows when I go to visit my own parents in another state, and we stay with them, out of consideration, we do not come home from our activities past 11 or 12, because it disturbs my parents sleep, and even though I have been married for 19 years, they still worry about us and hope for our safety. This leads to the second reason - while my son is in my home, there are rules of the house - behavior that is acceptable and not acceptable and because I am a mother, I worry about my children's safety, and I know not too many businesses are open past midnight, and that usually trouble lies after that time as well. Just as I expect my son to participate with family chores, and contribute to the maintenance of the house while he lives here, that goes for the rules of behavior as well.
As I tell my son, any time he does not like the rules or the conditions of us providing him room and board, he is completely free to leave and go on his own. And I really mean it - if he would like to find out how hard it is to support oneself, let alone a family, he is welcome to try. His life is up to him - I have my boundaries that he can choose to accept or not - and if not, he is free to support himself.
Stay strong - ! :)
Prior to being 18 my curfew was usually 1am... Once I turned 18 my curfew was removed as long as I would call to check in and state what time I was expecting to be home by. To be honest I was so used to having a curfew that once I didn't have one I didn't go crazy, out all night or anything like that. For the most part I was in by 2 ish unless prior arrangements were made such as a sleep over. The idea that I had more freedom made me feel more grown up... It felt good that my mom trusted me enough to let me choose what was reasonable timing for me to get home. I didn't take advantage of it either cause I wanted to have the freedom of choice. I knew if I broke the trust it would be back to good ole 1am curfew... I am now 27 and feel that I never missed out on fun with friends and my mom and I have the best of relationships because of her honest trust towards me. Give her the benefit of the doubt untill she shows other wise... If u say she is a good kid then let her show it to you. Maybe u guys can compromise and give her a 2am curfew on Friday and saturday nites only... It's a way to start the path to becoming a grown up! Good luck in your decision.... I wish u the best.
I think a 1:00 a.m. curfew is just fine. I would want my daughter home and off the roads by the time the bars close and all the drunks are driving themselves home! You know what they say, if your kids are angry with you, you're doing your job right!
1 am is fair. What is an 18 year old doing til 1am? I would ask her why she wants her curfew to be later and have her tell you what she is doing til 1 am and why it needs to be until 2am. The reason should be something other than my friends have a later curfew.
It's been a little while since I was a teen but your curfew times sound very reasonable to me. And she doesn't need to be out on the road anywhere near the times when all of the bars are closing. I know we all felt like we should have free reign once we turned 18 but I doubt that any of us - even the great kids - had the maturity or real need to be out until 2:30am. If it's a special occasion then maybe consider a negotiation for once in a while but otherwise you are being more than fair. When I was in the same situation at 18 I had a 10pm on weekdays and 11pm on weekends - no exceptions. Now that was brutal. :) Good luck to you and stick to your guns!!
That's a tricky issue. I remember being in that position with my parents when I came home from college for the summer. I had a curfew, 12:30, I think. I think 1am is more than fair but set it up with her that if she has a special event to go to that requires her to be out later, she should notify you in advance and give you a time when she will be home. That is assuming she would use that exception lightly and not take advantage of your leniency. She should absolutely continue to treat your home with respect, and not like a "hotel" as my mom used to call it! Of course, she's always welcome to move out on her own if she doesn't like it!
I personally think that a 1am curfew is "fair" for an 18 year old still living at home. You have already discussed the curfew topic with your daughter, so it's not like it will come as any surprise. I think it's easier to start out with a curfew and relax it a little now and then as time goes by as opposed to implementing a curfew after not having one. A curfew doesn't necessarily equate not trusting your daughter. It's about safety and consideration for other people living in the household. I wish I had a dollar for everytime I had to tell my daughter that I don't care what other parents do or allow. I'm a single mother and my son is 10 years younger than my daughter. I didn't have time for messing with her about the curfew and nothing made me more upset than her calling 10 minutes before she should have been home to let me know she would be late. That was disrespectful. I hate to say it, but she got locked out of the house all together a couple of times, which she found very "unfair" of me. But, she got the message that the house would be locked at a certain time and it wasn't "fair" of her to make me get up or wake up her little brother to let her in.
All kids and families are different, but unless it's some special occasion, there is no reason for an 18 year old to be out until 2:30 or 3 in the morning. The bars close at 2 and the risk of being out on the road at that time is not worth whatever fun teenagers might be having.
A great many kids think that the minute they turn 18, they are magically responsible adults and shouldn't have any rules anymore. The truth is, the rules and responsibilities of life are just beginning. They want all the freedoms that come with being an adult, but not necessarily all the responsibilities, especially paying all the bills.
I would just tell your daughter that you've already agreed to extend her curfew once she turns 18 and you'll see how that works for a while. If SHE makes the curfew a problem, then she's obviously not mature enough to have it extended further.
My friends just went through this with their son who is incredibly intelligent and went from high school to being a full time university student with a job. They felt he's responsible, so there was no curfew and it backfired. Not only did he think he should be able to come home when he wants, he also thought he no longer had to contribute anything, such as take out the trash, mow the lawn, do his own laundry or rinse off his own dirty dishes. Those were all things he'd done before but felt he was no longer obligated to do because he was an "adult" now. Their thinking isn't always as mature as they'd like to believe it is.
I think keeping the lines of communication open and being up front about what is expected is far easier than trying to back track later.
I wish you the very best!
If your daughter is truly a young "lady" ang you want her to stay that way, a respectful time is in order. Not only is she responsible for herself away from home, but coming in she must be considerate of you and your husband. I also believe that some things done after a certain hour at night, can lead to trouble. She will thank you later and probably raise her children to be just as respectful.
In addition, while you are enforcing her curfew, she will learn to set her own schedule instead of what others do. She will be a leader instead of a follower!
I think 1 am is a perfect time for curfew or 1:30 am if you wanted to stretch it. Aside from going to bars, which she is not old enough to do, what else is going on at one in the morning. Since bars usually close at 2 am, it is a good idea to have her in before people are out possibly driving around drunk. This is also provdes you with a good rationale for the time. If there is something special going on, have her request a later curfew in person prior to going out (not a phone call late in the evening) on those nights.
I lived with my parents for a while at their invitation after I had been away at college for 2 years while I was first engaged. My parents didn't really impose a curfew, but I would come home around 1-1:30 am and let them know who I would be with and where I thought I would be. I always let them know when I was staying overnight with my fiancee so they wouldn't worry. It is courtesy that while she lives in your house, she makes sure you aren't home worrying about her and follows your rules. If she wants more independence she literally has to pay for it in the form of her own place. It's hard to be an adult living at home, but respecting your parents is still important. Good luck!
I'm a marriage and family therapist who specializes in teens and their families and I would reccomend sticking with the 1am for two reasons: the first is, it's your home and you're comfortable with that. Second, I have seen many kids in their mid-20s still living at home because it's awfully comfy there. This rotten might make that very appealing to your daughter-- you want to give her some incentive to get her education, get a job and move one with her life.
In most places in California, the bars close at 2 am. I wouldn't have her have a curfew past 1 am. 1:30 at the latest. When the bars close, more drunk drivers are on the road and more police. If she's at friends' homes, tell her to spend the night, unless it's a boyfriend's home, then she doesn't need to be out that late either.
If she doesn't like the rules, she can get her own place.
Hi R., I think you are fair. I used to hear all that complaining too. We did make acceptions. If they were at a friends house and we knew where they were, or maybe a late movie. It just depended on the situation. As long as she is under your roof, she should go by your rules. I will tell you that my kids are grown 25 and 21. They still live at home. I still ask that they be home by 2 and for some reason if they are going to be later than that, I want a phone call. My son, who is 21, took awhile to comply, but he finally came around. Good luck
Sounds like you and your husband have this under control. You are being more than fair! What could she possibly need to do after 1am?
Just because she turns 18 doesn't mean she no longer has rules to go by. If she threatens to move out, call her bluff! It's not easy supporting yourself - especially in this economy...
Just be reasonable that there will be "special occasion" days where she should ask in advance for an extension in her curfew. But it should be an exception, not the norm.
Good luck! Sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a parent so far. :O) Keep it up.
I wholeheartedly agree with Cynthia and the other posts stating you are not being unreasonable. I had two older brothers who made some bad choices and I was motivated to not give my parents as much grief. While I often thought their idea of curfew was too early, I also knew from being around my friends that greater risks are taken as the evening wears on. It didn't take long for me to see that more bad things happen late at night and I liked having the excuse of abiding by my parents' curfew and being home safe and sound to have fun another day. 1am is completely reasonable. By the way, have you and your husband offered to let her and her friends hang out at your place once in a while? I remember fondly of being welcome at a friend's house so we could hang out late at night watching movies, etc. Consider getting to know her friends by offering your home for a movie night with food and then maybe her friends won't give her such grief for you having solid boundaries. Her friends will respect you and your daughter might look at things a little differently. Just a thought.
All the best to you,
My niece, who lives with us, is turning 18 the day before she graduates from high school. She initially thought that meant that she was going to have every freedom in the world, too. I explained to her that she will still be living here and still under our rules. Yeah, I'll relax them some, but she's not going to be any more responsible on her birthday than she was the day before.
I told her that I do not sleep while she is gone, and she knows this. I wait up for her. I expect that she isn't going to be coming in late and waking everyone up. Currently she doesn't have a set curfew, it's more about what she is doing and where she is going and kind of decided on that. I think 1 am is plenty late. I have told her before that I don't want her out there on the roads when the drunks are leaving the bars, which usually starts around 1:30 since they close at 2.
I lived at home till I got married at 22. Since I was still in school my weeknight curfew was 10:00 and weekends was Midnight. I was dating, then engaged to someone 10 years older then I. At 22 and 32 we both had to respect my parents curfew till I got married. ( The curfew had no effect on me getting married) I was annoyed by it at times by I lived through it and I think my parents were smart in putting boundaries up. It's easy to get into trouble without them.
I am 25 yrs old ( and a mother of a 5 yr old boy). I can speak opinion for both sides. With your daughter, i remember being her age, wasn't that long ago, and undersand her point of view. She wants some kind of independence and wants to hang out with friends as late as she wants too..It's good that she is a good kid and responsibile, and i would think she is getting fustrated and threatening to move out because she feels she is still being treated like a "KID" although she will be 18. to her it's like being an adult, although we all know she isn't until she has her own place, can take care of herself fully. So I understand her point.
With that said:
Now that I am a mother, I understand the parents point as well with you and your husband. When i was 18 and even my lil sis since she been 18, the curfew was 2 am on the dot. Honestly, 2 am or anytime after 2am is way too long, especially for an 18 yr old..maybe as she hits 20 or 21 then yeah. It just didn't make any sense for our curfews to be 2am, we always came home b4 then any how too..lol..I think you guys are in control and doing a good job.
I remember when my daughter would not leave the house to go out on a Friday or Saturday night until 10:00 p.m. as she said nothing was going on anywhere. I would ask your daughter what she was doing and where she was going to need a later curfew. When my daughter had two roommates and renting a house they would go to San Francisco and dance "all night" and then go out for breakfast and drive home to slepp. They were all working and going to college and they all earned BA degrees. But "living at home" is different. Now we have a 19 year old granddaughter who lives with us but spends weekends in another town where she stays with her Mom or friends. I think 1 a.m. is reasonable unless she can give you a very good reason for a later time once in awhile.
Our daughter is 19 and her curfew is 1am also. It was midnight until she graduated from highschool. As my dad used to say, there is nothing they can do after midnight
that they can't do before. Besides the majority of business close by midnight anyway.
I have always felt that once a child turns 18 AND is graduated from highschool, that the curfews should be eliminated. That's not to say that she shouldn't still be doing things around the house. I think that a more resonable solution is that she needs to call and let you know by a certain time where she is and what time she will be home. It's like you said, she is a good student and is responsible. I think it's time to trust your daughter with her own life or you might force her to move out, which we all know makes it way more difficult to complete school in a resonable time.
Mt response to my son and daughter is always IM not their friends mother but I am theirs and these are my rules. My son had the same curfew as when he was 17 even when he came home on leave from the military. As a parent we lose sleep when they aren't home because we worry about them so if its that im portant to her let her move out. She most likely wont but if she does she will learn very quickly that its not as easy as she thinks nor as much fun. Stick to your guns. I think 1 am is very generous for a young lady.
Even if she were to pay rent (and student or not, she should be expected to contribute somehow at 18), there should be communication and agreement about when she'll be in for the night...as a courtesy to the people she lives with and as a safety measure. Perhaps you can focus more on the day-to-day as in, having her tell you every night what time she'll be home instead of a curfew. We live with my mom and all the adults in the house tell each other when they'll be in for the night...it's just common courtesy.
Natalie Holliway was a good student too. Her parents trusted her and her friends. You daughter will only be 18, Midnight is plenty late for a teenager. If she thinks she's going to be an adult just because she's turning 18, sit her down and write out a budget on what it would cost if she were living on her own and trying to go to schoold full time.
You are good parents trying to help your daughter get an education and grow up. She might not appreciate a little tough love now, but she will later and you will sleep better.
Your curfew sounds fair to me. You and your husband need to discuss and decide together whether you want to stick with a curfew time, or go with the 'trust' but 'call and let us know where you are and when you'll be home' type of situation. Whichever you go with, still leave it open that should something unexpected come up, she can call you and negotiate.
I think the idea of discussing with her just what living on her own would mean, financially, is good too. None of us really get that until we've experienced it, but hearing it from you will probably be an eye opener for her. I would hope that one caveat of her moving out on her own, just because she doesn't like your rules, would be that she is totally responsible for herself... college tuition, living expenses and all.
You say all of her friends have later curfews... according to whom? If you're only hearing it from her or the friends, it might be an eye opener for you to talk to some of their parents. I think we see in the answers that have already been posted here that most young people don't have later curfews, unless they have that 'trust' relationship that was mentioned before.... and those sound like the time the child is expected in is likely more near to the midnight to 1 p.m. range too.
Hi! My oldest son is almost 21, & he doesn't have a curfew. However, he also works FT & goes to school PT. We have never had a problem with him, & he always communicates with us to let us know where he is & what he'll be doing. Also, although he does not have a curfew, he doesn't take advantage, or even come home late every night. He is very responsible, & we are blessed.
However, every household is different. If you & your husband prefer that she have a curfew, then perhaps you can eliminate it or make it later on the weekends only. Then, during the week you can keep the earlier curfew, or make it a little later at some point.
I believe it all depends on trust... and this is what my parents did for me. I never really had a curfew. I was completely honest with my parents about what I was doing and as long as I told them what time I planned to be home it was okay, as long as I made that time. I did move out and go away to college shortly after I turned 18, but at 22 I moved back home and I remember I told my dad "I"m going out and I'm going to be home late". At 2AM I get a frantic phone call from my mom wondering where I am at because I wasn't home, and after that I made sure to let them know that late meant sometime after 2AM. (but I was 22 at the time) My mom did not sleep when us kids were out late, but as long as she knew she could reach us on our cells and had a time-frame in which we said we were going to be home it was okay. (and we always made sure we were home when we said we were going to be)
If you can trust your daughter, then I see no reason why she needs a curfew of 12:30. She considers herself an adult and wants to assert that responsilbilty and let her have it, but if she abuses that responsibilty then of course don't let her have it. It is always something that you can take away since she is living in your home.
Best of Luck!
PS- I completeley agree with Sarah L. I, too, was one of my only friends that did not go through a risky overboard party phase. My friends parents were a lot stricter and I saw frst hand how some of my closest friends spiraled out of control once they were out of their parents house.
Choose your battles!! In keeping with what others have said, I would remove her curfew with the proviso that she call at a certain time if she is not coming home. Foremost, we as parents want to protect our children, but at some point they do become adults and we really can't be there every minute. BY all means, tell her your concerns AND leave the door open to pick her up or help her anytime, with no questions asked, if she needs you. Risks often get worse when teens think they can't call their parents and a situation escalates.
If she doesn't follow through, then maybe leaving on her own or with roommates is the answer. With this economy, it has been a hugh wakeup call for my young adults who wanted to fight about chores. They didn't have a curfew, but they, as adults, were now expected to contribute to the household in various ways. Even that proved too much. Young adults are still forming identity and still rebelling in some ways. My motto is to step aside rather than control. This way they have to take responsibility for their choices and don't act as much out of "I'll show you."
Use your friends and others to vent to and keep a smiling face to your daughter when possible. Be prepared to stand behind whatever you decide (consequences), but get ready to cut that umbilical cord! Good luck!
What really is fair? Seriously your the parent and you get to make the decisions, while she is still living in your home you have obviously done a good job up til now. She sounds like a good girl. So why change that. The longer she stays out the more likely she is to get into trouble. Who is really out that late anyone. Only people who are up to no good. Stick to your guns. She may not like it now but she will understand when she is older.
When I turned 18, I didnt have a curfew, BUT I had to tell my aunt WHO I was going to be with and WHERE I was going. The deal was as long as my grades stayed up, they would not give me a curfew, but I did have to call them if I was going to be out past midnight, and let them know what time I would be in or whos house I was staying at.
I applaud you for being strict and consistent with your daughter. Now is the time to let the leash off and see if the values you have instilled in her will guide her decision making. Just remind her that nothing good ever happens at 1 in the morning. She is still under your roof, so suffice it to say that if you want her home by 1 am, tell her the doors will be locked at 1 am, and not opened until the following morning. If she doesn't make it by 1, then she needs to find somewhere else to stay and give you a courtesy call. As the conscientious parent that you sound like, you then follow up each occassion with good conversation and continue to pour into her what is good.
Once my siblings and I turned 18 we didn't have a curfew at all. The only thing my parents expected was that if we weren't coming home that night to give them a call. That way if they woke up and we weren't home they weren't freaking out that something had happened to us. And when we came home after they were in bed we had to be respectful of the fact they were sleeping and be really quiet. And make sure we locked back up when we got in.
If she's responsible and you TRUST her and are sure you've raised her right ... then you have nothing to worry about.
Besides being in by 12:30 or 1:00 or whatever doesn't mean she's not gonna do something you'd rather she didn't. It just means if she's gonna do it .. she's gonna do it earlier.
My parents are very conservative, but my dad also said that it was their job to raise an adult, not a big little girl. So when I turned 18 AND graduated high school, my dad lifted my curfew altogether. And this is the same guy who refused to let me date or get my license until I was 17! The only caveat to this was that if I planned to be out past midnight, I had to call them, tell them where I was and why it required me to be out so late, and tell them what time I could be expected home. All reasonable information. This way, dad said, if I wasn't home when I estimated I should be, he and mom had an idea of how to check to make sure I was OK. (this was before cell phones were common). My calls home went something like this: "I'm at Jane's house, and a bunch of us are watching movies. It's a Friday the 13th marathon. We'll probably wrap it up around 2 or 3." Or "We're heading to The Edge, and it closes at 2 and it'll take about an hour to get home." Dad said telling people you live with what time you'll be home is common courtesy, and I was fine with that. It worked out well. They knew where I was and that I was OK, and I felt like they were letting me be an adult. Living at home or not, your daughter is an adult. If you don't let her get used to setting limits for herself living with you, she might go overboard and use poor judgement when she does eventually move out. Mine is not a popular response, I'm sure, but of all my friends, I was the only one who never went through a crazy, risky party phase when I moved out, and I always attributed that to my parents letting me experience freedom and set limits on my own when I was still living with them.
I think once she finishes high school and is 18, she shouldn't have a curfew. I'm surprised so many people say she should have a 1:00 am curfew. Many kids her age move into college dorms at that age and stay up as late as they want. I went away to college myself and loved the new freedom. I stayed up past 1am lots of nights and wasn't always getting into trouble. We would sit around watching movies and chatting or going out to parties or dancing. Maybe she'll want to fool around until all hours. That takes up a lot of time, which should be her prerogative at that age. 18 year olds have lots of energy and staying up all night isn't a problem.
I understand it's different because she is at home and you'll worry. It may be reasonable for her to call or text message and tell you if she'll be out past 2am or doesn't plan on coming home at all. It's a different thing if she starts coming home drunk or high. Then you can address that behavior but don't assume she's going to get into trouble hanging out late.
At age 18, if she wants to live at home you can approach it as, she has chosen to stay a member of your live-in family. Therefore their are rules for all. One is curfew so others are not disturbed in their needed sleep; meals are at a certain time, they need to let you know whether they will be there. If the "rules of the house" no longer fit, then maybe they need to pay rent.
Remember boundaries are needed for all at all ages even 70 yrs old!
Since you are paying the bills and have all the responsibility, the fair curfew is the one you set.
That said, when my children got older I wanted to let them have more and more control over their lives and the concequences so that when they did go on their own they didn't go wild with new found freedom.
We set a curfew on work nights so our home could be calm and we could sleep during the week and then made an agreement with our children that on weekends they would 1) let us know where they going & when to expect them home and 2)wake us up when they got home so we knew they were home safe.
I told them we just wanted to know when and where to start looking for them if they went missing.
We also talked openly about drinking and driving, sex and all of the other growing up topics regularly.
My daughter says the same things your daughter has said.Her friends also have later curfews but I will stand my ground it's 1 am on weekends and 12 am on school nights.we shouldnt have to lay awake and worry about our kids.She is in colledge and will soon be 19.She doesnt like it but i think she will thank me later.