Teenage Son Comes and Goes When He Wants.

I love Elena's response.

My sister went through this with her son and is just coming out the other side of it now, and she did what Elena did. The end is in sight!!!

My MIL did the complete opposite of this, and bugged my husband - and appeared needy. She drove him away. He went to school, and worked through high school (actually, since middle school) and played competitive sports. She didn't get it - that he was exhausted, and that he was into his friendships and girlfriend. I think she felt rejected. She came across (to a teenage boy) as harassing him. To this day, he cringes if she calls him and acts like he should be more in touch. You have to give him that space and not take it personally.

He's drawing boundaries too. He's becoming an adult.

I think some of that is normal. I have teenagers, and that seems pretty typical - some days. Other days, they totally want to chat - but it's when they want to. I just drop everything when they happens, without appearing to.

A lot depends on a teen's general behavior.

Some teens go through drastic (and potentially harmful) changes at ages 16 - 19. Their grades drop from A's and B's to D's and F's. They miss school or are chronically late for class. Their job performance drops and they lose job after job. Their nice friends are abandoned for kids who are always in trouble, with arrest records already. Despite having a paycheck, they never have any money and they get into debt.

But other teens go through changes that may be frustrating to their parents, but demonstrate a level of responsibility. Their school performance and attendance is consistent. They hold jobs, and fill the gas tank in the car. Their friends are supportive good kids, and similarly employed and on track to graduate. They come home after work or after a date. But these teens stop coming to mom for advice, and they get upset when asked questions about their lives. Gone are the days when you could give them cookies and milk at the kitchen table while they told you every little detail about what happened at recess and how annoying the kid at the next desk. When asked "how was your day?" the response is a grunt and a sneer (if you're lucky).

Which one is your son?

If it's the first description, then the answer to your question is no, and some serious professional intervention may be in order, or at least some crackdown from the parents on certain freedoms or privileges.

If it's the second, congratulations, you're raising a normal, independent kid who is on the path to employment, education, and the ability to productively function in society with friends and someday a family of his own.

I went through this with my son, starting at about that age. He'd go to school on time, his grades were good, he had two jobs at fast food and pizza places, he'd come home obviously sober, but just as obviously not wanting to chat with mommy, barely even saying hi.

After some frustration on my part, and some despair (thinking my son would never talk to me again) I asked him if we could establish a code text for the phones. As much as I wanted to sit and hear about his day, I realized that would have to wait for a time. But I just wanted to know if he was ok, and I wanted him to know that if the time came when he did need advice, I'd be patiently available. So we came up with a basic code.

I would text him "A & W?" and he would respond "A & W". A & W stands for Alive and Well. The understanding was that he was to reply to my text in a very short time, and if he didn't he realized that I would start calling and bugging him and worrying. He was really good about replying A & W and he understood that by simply reassuring me that he was ok that meant he wouldn't have to go into detail about every little thing. When we established the code, I made sure he understood that by graduating, staying employed, having good friends, being polite to us, staying sober, and not getting speeding tickets or worse, he would maintain the privilege of not having to answer a billion questions. If those standards slipped, he'd have to answer to us (or law enforcement or worse) in extreme detail. He agreed.

And sure enough there were a couple of years of A & W and not much else. Then in his 20s he began call just to say hi. He introduced girlfriends to us and asked if I would make some favorite meal for him. He now is 30 and for the last 6 or 7 years he's visited often (he lives out of state and has a college degree and an amazing career), he calls just to chat, he's willing to listen when I call. And I think it's because we gave him some leeway and some freedom when he was figuring out who he was as a young man.

Don't rush your son's development or force him. If he's staying out of trouble, staying employed, staying in school, and staying sober, then you stay patient. The time will come when he appreciates you and can actually say it in words.

Brilliant response by Elena. Read it 3 times.

Your insistence on knowing every little detail may well be pushing him away rather than reeling him in. He needs to develop independence if he's going to manage his life when he leaves your home. It has been your job for 17 years to teach him these things, and to give him a chance to practice them. He'll leave your home soon and you'll know nothing. Why not work to be the sort of parent who is confident in the job you've done so far?

If he doesn't have any responsibilities, he should have some - managing some finances (given him a budget for clothes, gas, phone), getting to school on his own, making his lunch, handling his homework and projects, talking to his teachers, an exchange, you continue to pay his health care, give him a roof & food, and cover essential expense. If he manages his life and phone responsibly, then you can continue to pay the bills. If he doesn't, you can curtail some of those privileges until he measures up.

But knowing every single detail of his life? Big mistake, Mom. It really says, "I don't trust you and I don't trust that my own parenting abilities gave you any survival skills or judgment at all."

what rules does your family have? what are the consequences for breaking those rules?

We needed family counseling after moving from California to Georgia. It was a tough adjustment for my oldest son. There were issues. Luckily nothing that messed up his future. Close. But whew.

According to your last post, your son was living with his paternal grandmother. Did that change? He also stated that he felt your daughter was getting privileges he didn't get. Is that true?

Each of us in our household have things to do. It's a team effort. I'm not their maid. I'm their mom. They each have responsibilities to keep the house running. Since it's my job to prepare them for adulthood? I ensure they know how to cook and each week, one of them prepares a meal. They are each responsible for taking care of the dogs. They are each responsible for taking care of their ATVs and personal property. They each are responsible (once they turned 10) to do their own laundry. They each have their own days to do laundry. Everyone tows the rope here in this house.

I think you're family is in crisis and you can't handle it yourself. You need outside help. Professional outside help

Not sure how you get "come and go as they please" - sounds like he is at school and then at work. What more do you want from him? A daily report of his doings every second of the day? Yikes! Clearly this IS your first rodeo.

My kids played sports, were in band, and worked a job PLUS had school. I can remember some days that a kid would leave at 5:30 a.m. for before school practice and not get home until 10 at night after work. Sometimes midnight for away games.

Our rules were:
1. Home by curfew - work and sports were the only exceptions
2. Grades had to be maintained and assignments were to be turned in timely (I checked this on line)
3. Cell phones ALWAYS had to be answered except during work hours - you couldn't avoid answering a call from mom or dad as it could be an emergency
4. Work hours were posted on our main hallway board
5. Certain chores were assigned and expected to be done on time. We usually didn't give much for daily chores during Junior and Senior years because sometimes they would be gone for up to 12 hrs on any given day. Usually the chores we gave were ones that could be done anytime during the week/weekend and only needed to be done once or maybe twice a week, like mowing or vacuuming or cleaning a bathroom.
6. Family events must be attended if possible (meaning if you aren't working or at a game). Also, if you aren't working but aren't going to be home for dinner, you must let us know.

Other than that, we didn't bother with the minutia of their lives. We didn't "make" them talk to us. Family events (big ones) took priority over friends. The kitchen closed at 10 p.m. so if you were at friends until 11 p.m. but chose to skip dinner, you weren't going to rattle around in my kitchen after I was in bed. If they got home after 10 p.m. due to work or a game, their dinner was always on a plate in the fridge.

Get a grip - please. I've seen so many moms like you try to control every aspect of their nearly adult child life and it NEVER ends well.

As long as his whereabouts are accounted for, I wouldn't worry about it. If there is downtime between activities, letting you know where he is is a reasonable expectation. For example, if he gets out of school at 3 and doesn't start work until 5, he should send a text or give you a call to let you know what's happening for those hours so that you have some idea where he is. If you already know where he is during that window of time, no need to check in. If he drives himself and is a new driver, you might want him to send a text before leaving work to let you know he's on his way. It's just basic courtesy but they see it as hovering. Remind him that you still hold the keys to the kingdom and that privileges that he enjoys such as driving, a phone, internet at home, etc. are at your discretion. If he wants big boy freedom, then he needs to maintain big boy communication.

I'm sorry but based on your last few posts, you sound like a shrew. And he sounds exhausted. Communication is a two way street, not just parents badgering their kids about what they've been doing all day. Do you ever do anything fun together as a family or is it all work, school, chores?
He's a young man, you need to start treating him like one. It's time to lengthen the leash so he is prepared to manage himself in the real world. Parenting at this age requires understanding that he's about to leave the nest, not holding on tighter.

He's 17 and going to school and working? I think he's doing just fine. When my kids were that age I asked them to call me by six pm to let me know they were okay and then I would not have to bug them. I just needed to know that they were safe. By 17 at our house we had a pretty open relationship with our kids. They had outgrown the need to have us constantly knowing where they were or who they were with. I think if you give your son a whole lot more freedom he would be more willing to give you a call or a text to say that all is well. It's tough letting them grow up but grow up they will. Be glad that he's so responsible with his life. I know many people who have kids that age sitting in the basement playing video games.

Is he making good grades? Is he paying his own bills with the money he earns? Car, insurance, cell phone? Does he want to go to college? Does he do chores in the house that he is responsible for?

There's a big difference in telling you every single thing that he's doing and communicating some. Where is he on that scale?

If you are paying all his bills and he is keeping all the money, then he isn't really learning responsibility. If he isn't doing anything in the house to contribute to the household, then you are enabling him to not be responsible. Right now he is in high school, and not yet "an adult". When he is 18 and graduates, if he still has the attitude that he doesn't have to talk to you, then it will be time to tell him that he needs to go out on his own. If he goes to college, you probably won't hear much from him very often. But if he has to study, work and be responsible for his dorm room, then he will be learning and you won't be hovering. It might be best for everyone. If he just wants to work, let him move out and manage his own bills. As he gets a bit older, he will want to discuss stuff with you more, especially adult issues that he needs advice on. You can give advice without "fixing" his problems. Putting the fixing of his problems into his lap shows him that you believe in his capabilities, and also that you aren't going to bale him out of every problem...

You are complaining that your son is going to school and working?!
I bet LOTS of parents WISH their kids would do that!!
Here's what I would tell my teen,"
"Hey son, I am SO PROUD of you going to school and working! I miss you and I miss talking with you. Do you think we could go out to dinner this coming ______(whatever day works) and chat and eat? I would love to catch up!"
(AFTER READING SOME OF THE ANSWERS....I feel like I might be missing something...but I am too tired to go back and read. So my answer is based on a relatively healthy family)

you've got a 17 year old who's going to school and then work. i'm not quite sure what is so awful about that situation. if there's nothing he needs to let you know about his school and work day, what exactly is it that you want from him?

he sounds busy, and probably tired.

khairete
S.

When I was 17 I worked from 4 till 11 on most school nights. I kept my work schedule out in the open so my parents knew I would be gone all day. If you know he is going from school to work and then coming home then I wouldn't worry so much. If you think he is doing other stuff and not work and school then just talk to him. Say you need his schedule so you can go to bed and sleep without worrying about him. Make it about you and what you need to feel ok with him being gone all day.
If he is working from the time he gets out of school till 10 at night he sounds like he does not have time to get into mischief