Teenage Daughter Pulling Away

Perfectly normal. My daughter is amazing and we have always had a great relationship but the teen years were different. I no longer had the child and that type of relationship is gone forever but the child that came home from college is pretty cool too. In between I drank a lot! :p

If you push it they will withdraw even more. They are trying to do it on their own, ya know? I gave her all the freedom she needed but she always knew I was here to pick up the pieces.

At 12 and 10 they are learning about who they are separate from their parents. They are also learning how to set boundaries, especially in the physical realm. I urge you to treat them as young ladies. Teach them how to be emotionally close without being physically close. You're their role model for all male relationships.

Heidi, I wonder why you're being so defensive. Of the 17 posts only two mention feeling different about his being a step-father. Most of the posts did not differentiate between father and step-father. We are all saying that it's time to let go of the little girl and embrace the tween. Try to consider the positive responses because they have much that can help you and your husband.

At 12 I wouldn't expect the kid to sit on *anyone's* lap anymore.

It can be hard to see kids grow up and move away, but they need to spread their wings a little as they grow. You may find that you need to do different things with each other and you may not see her as much. I suggest things like finding out what she's into and learning about it. Ask her to pick a new book or movie or music to share. Maybe doing a new thing together. Let her invite a gaggle of friends over - even though it's going to be loud, you will get to know her friends and your home will be a safe place for them. Dine together as a family and talk about each other's day. Sometimes that's the only time you see a teen.

If she's only attentive when she wants something, call her on it. "SD, you know I love you, but I'm feeling like you only give the time of day when you are looking for something. I'm happy to help you out when I can but remember that relationships are give and take." I wear glasses so sometimes I will look over the rims and say, "Yeeeaaass?" when I know they want something and we'll go from there. I might say, "Go do the dishes first like I asked 2 hours ago and we'll talk."

My SS swooped in, did Christmas and swooped off to his GF's house and we haven't see him since. Enjoy the interactions you have now, even if they are different.

She is a normal tween that is going through a lot of changes, etc right now.

We have a very normal loving family but our 17 yr old daughter stopped sitting in dad's lap YEARS ago.

At 12 ( and the 10 yr old too) I think it is kind of odd that to be sitting in your lap as she is maturing. Find a better way to show affection. I'm sorry and I do not mean to be insulting but I see red flags all over the lap thing.

Oh A., that's a great and common question for men to struggle through. She should choose for herself how physical she wants to be with you. It is a VERY important part of her establishing her own right to her body with men. Assuming a totally healthy love for her from you then this is something you really want to be healthy with her about. Let her drive the relationship for a while. I also suggest "dates". You and each of them seperately go out for dinner and or a movie. Have MOM be clear that Dad is taking you on a date and this is the type of treatment you should expect. They need to happen fairly regularly in order to make it clear and to help them learn to trust you and talk to you. 12 is a hard age for a girl. And today's girls are subjected to SO much pressure to grow up too fast. They also are exposed at very early ages to very explicit sexual material via the internet. No matter how hard you may try to protect them from this it will still happen. What they see is so sexual and so dehumanizing today's girls really really need a man who loves them to show them how they should expect to be treated.

Don't give up being her father! She needs you more than ever, but do make sure you allow her to decide what physical attention she gives you. That does not mean she is allowed to ignore you or be disrespectful. Remember that you are the most important man in her life. The one that almost all of her future relationships will be modeled on. (No pressure!) LOL! If you want her to be treated well show her through your actions toward her and her mother what that looks like.

Good luck parenting teens in HARD!

Sounds perfectly normal to me. My son is also a tween and I give him huge hugs several times a day and make sure he knows I love him but I let him have his space and "grow up". I'd plan some "ritual" for each daughter. Maybe Saturday a.m. donut runs for the one who wakes early on Saturday or a Sunday night dinner at Sonic...just time ALONE with each one to stay connected to each of them. I applaud you for being a good dad...they're lucky to have you!

Yup, that's what they do!!!! Somewhere between 12-18 you lose them for a while. In my experience, girls usually pull out of the worst of it after 16, and boys start later and end later.

Don't be hurt by it, it's normal. You can't force her to give YOU attention, but she has to be civil and polite. You keep giving her attention, however. The relationship will probably be sort of one-sided for a few years. This is her time to pull away from her parents and associate with her peers.

12 year old's do not want to act like young kids anymore. Here in Austin 12 year old's are in 6th grade which is middle school. Switching classes, advanced classes, football games, dances..

They are considered young ladies and are a little more aware of their bodies.

Could be she has now experienced her menstrual cycle and does not feel as comfortable sitting on anyone's lap, stepfather or even father or grandfather.

She is beginning to have some physical boundaries and this is a very good sign that she is following her internal feelings. You all need to honor this.

I do think as a family in general you ALL need to do things all together. Have a Game night, pizza night, attending religious services etc, bowling, putt putt.. ..

Also make sure your home is the gathering place so that she and her friends will want to be there to get together.. You will not be hanging out with them, but you will be around to get to know her friends and they can know you.. This is all very normal development.

When she is more affection or needs some attention.. you and mom, need to be there for her. But do not take it personally.

Just let her know you guys love her and you will always be there for her.

Yep normal tween behavior. If she hasn't started she will soon have opinions on how you dress and everything else. The eyeroll and your not wearing thaaaaatttt, it so out of style.

She is emotionally moving forward to the time when she will be independent. It's so difficult to see them start to move forward without us but normal and necessary. When she reaches her 20's she will be back as a new adult and someone you can talk to and sometimes even snuggle when the current BF upsets her. They never stop needing us but their needs change.

A.:

WELCOME to Mamapedia!!!

This is COMPLETELY normal...she is learning things now about physical contact as well.

As to her giving you attention only when she wants something? You need to set boundaries and limits. You need to tell and show her how to treat you. Over the next 5 years - yep - FIVE YEARS - she will stop hugging you and saying "I love you" in public, holding your hand, etc. that is SOOOOO not cool! (LOL!!!!!)

My daughter would NOT show me ANY affection in public - none, zip, zero. Nor would she show her father....it's the age.

My nephews would make/demand that my sister drop the boys off 2 blocks from school when they were in high school - it was soo not cool to have mom drop them off..until one day her oldest decided he was liking a girl and SHE wanted to see how he treated his mother...then it was "okay" to drop him off and he would say "I LOVE YOU MOM!!!" as he got out of the car if he saw her....it's called growing up and life.

The teen years are hard years. You can get through it.

The point of parenting is to teach your children to become independent, responsible adults. This is the start of your step daughters' (yes, both!) journey to become independent young women. Yes, it is perfectly normal the 12 year old is no longer comfortable sitting on your lap. She should be getting pretty close to full adult size by that age, so why would you want her sitting on your lap anyway? Physical closeness with a child is different from physical closeness with a tween/teen. Hugs, cheek kisses, pats on the back, high fives, sit close next to each other w/arm around (though just for a minute, then back off!). However, the 12 year old shouldn't be just giving you attention when she wants something. Be up front with her about how you're feeling. "I know you're getting older so our relationship is changing, but I feel ignored and used when you only pay attention to me when you want something." Then tell her you'd like to spend more time with her and ask if she has ideas of things she'd like to do. Then you two can brainstorm together and come up with a list of things to do together. It's probably a good idea to set up something regular so it actually happens. Maybe every other week you can have a special Daddy/daughter outing with the girls. It doesn't have to be a huge deal or take hours and hours. Lunch, bowling, ice cream, a movie, etc. Also, schedule family time once a week (besides dinner together). Have a game night, do something the girls have been wanting to do, whatever. Planning the time and making sure it happens shows the girls they are a priority in your life, and when they do want to share something with you, they will have a natural opportunity to do so and know that you do care. Even if they protest and say it's "not cool" tell them it's going to happen, so they can either help pick some fun,cool activities and enjoy the time, or you can pick the activities and they will be stuck with it. Because you love them and want to spend time with them, whether or not it's cool! At their ages, girls are kind of like cats...they want attention and affection, but only on their terms. So, create opportunities and wait for them to come to you. Good luck!

Yeah, the sitting on your lap at her age is weird since you are a step-dad... and it is totally normal she doesn't want to do that at her age, with anyone really. The pulling away from you is pretty normal too. Just keep communication and understanding open. Teach her about had work and budgeting and prioritizing needs vs wants and having gratitude and such, it will help with her only coming around when she is expecting handouts.

Everyone agrees she is normal but I want to add one thing. I think it's GREAT that she was so affectionate as to sit in your lap for so long. Don't know why people are acting so weird about that! I was a very affectionate kid up til that age as well.
Also, if you want to foster a great relationship with your teens it's never to late and I recommend you read Loving Your Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk. Just read the intro and you will be hooked.
Blessings!

This is totally, completely normal and healthy. Teenagers never relate to their parents the way little kids do. The challenge for you now is to find a way for you to connect with her that's age-appropriate. For example, does she play a sport? Could you look into coaching her team? For teenage girls, it's often fantastic when dads can take them fishing, or get them playing touch-football or something. This can be key to a young woman's confidence, during a confidence-shaking time in life. But, sorry, your snuggling, lap-sitting days are probably over for good :(.

Woe, stopped sitting on your lap? I actually had people ask me why I continued to hold my son when he was in 2nd grade. Yeah, few preteens like to be held. It's perfectly normal and doesn't mean they are turning away from you. It just means they are trying to becom little adults. They do start clinging to their peers more. The best thing for you to do is to let them know you are there for them, and that they can come to you with anything and you won't flip out. (Not flipping out is the hard part...been there, done that and have to remind myself.) Make sure the computer is in a well traveled area like the living room/game room so you can casually monitor their activity.

Yes its all normal and you have a long road ahead of you

This is totally normal for that age. Young teens are in the process of figuring out who they are that is separate from their parents. It can also sometimes be awkward between a girl and a father because the girl is trying out how to act like a woman and not a little girl.

It is a great idea to share a hobby or activity that you all like to do. It could be a sport but don't limit it to that. When I was a teenager my father and I both enjoyed science and science fiction. We went to all the Star Trek and Star Wars movies as a family. I still love science fiction and always had top grades in science classes.

It's not normal for 10 and 12 year olds to sit in parents' laps. They are past the cuddle age. My kids were out of my lap around 6 years old. Girls of puberty age are past the point of being cuddled by men, it's really not appropriate for her to sit in dad's lap. Teens do need to grow away from us. It's not that you are not close, but you need to expect the relationship to change. We are not talking about a little girl any more. Teens are less interested in parents than in friends, and certainly less interested in affection from parents. It's okay and normal. My kids are 16 and 12 now. You should expect your relationships with your children to change over time as they age. It's also okay to seek out parenting support groups, books, school counselors, etc to find out what is normal in teen development and having a postive relationship with your teenager.