59 answers

My Step Daughter Says She Hates me....what Should I Do????

My step daughter has been having friends stay the night with her because of Spring Break.The other day her mother picked her up because she lives with us but she wanted to spend time with her mom during Spring Break. We understood and of course let her go but one of her friends ended up staying with me until her mother got off of work to pick her up. While we were waiting on her mother I took her to Subway for lunch because we all wanted a sandwich and while we were in line her friend told me that she has been telling her that she hates me. I just don't understand because I do alot for her and she pretty much gets what she wants when she is at home but every now and then her father and I will tell her no about something and I think thats when she expresses these feelings about me. I just don't know what to do I mean I take her out with her friends to do things when she wants I buy her new clothes and shoes and always her choice of what we get. I just don't understand we also have a family night at least one night a week where it's just family and we watch movies that are based around her age group and all so I just don't know why she would say such things about me when I'm not around. Her father says that he thinks that she just has a problem with him being in a relationship with someone other than her mother but we've been together for almost five years so it's not like it's new to her. I'm just wondering what I can do?

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To start with 10 year olds don't always know how to express themselves. I doubt that she hates you, more likely she would like to have her Dad back with her Mom. Is she rude to you? Does she pout, or lash out verbally directly to you. Sometimes Kids will say things just because they think that is what others expects of them. Put it away for now, or at least, try not to worry about it. If you are a good and responsible person, she will come around. Don't try to buy her affection, children need to know they are loved and sometimes that means saying, "No." A child knows who they can depend upon to take care of them. It sounds like you try to do that, and that will win in the end.

1 mom found this helpful

Don't worry about it. She is a kid and they say and do all kinds of things. I have one of those also. One of the reasons is that she is upset about the relationship that she has with her "real" mother and therefore is confused about her relationship with you. Mine is told at her mothers that she isn't to like me and she can't love me because I am not her mother. Yet she knows that I do love her and that I have always treated her like she is mine. In the long run they will always know. Also kids confuse "love" with all kinds of other emotions.

E.,

Just love her, that's all you can do. I am in the same boat with my step-daughter and step-son. I have raised them almost single-handedly for the last 11 years (they are 15 and 16) and if they don't get exactly what they want all the time, it is me they hate, not bio mom or dad. In time they will know who is really there for them. Hope this helps!

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To start with 10 year olds don't always know how to express themselves. I doubt that she hates you, more likely she would like to have her Dad back with her Mom. Is she rude to you? Does she pout, or lash out verbally directly to you. Sometimes Kids will say things just because they think that is what others expects of them. Put it away for now, or at least, try not to worry about it. If you are a good and responsible person, she will come around. Don't try to buy her affection, children need to know they are loved and sometimes that means saying, "No." A child knows who they can depend upon to take care of them. It sounds like you try to do that, and that will win in the end.

1 mom found this helpful

Dad is right I've been through this myself when I was a Child. I wanted my dad with my mom and my step mom was great did everything for me and my friends yet I had so much attitude. It is a stage that will pass me and my step mom are really close and I've had to go back to say I am sorry when i GOT OLDER. She is a child and at this point don't understand just keep being mom and she will thank you one day. By the way my children get upset with me to and I am mom not step.Children go through stages when tring to find them self that athority figure is not their favorite person.Lots of prayers and it will pass but it will keep you on your knees in prayer alot.

Hey, E.! I think it's perfectly normal for her to say that. You are her step mother and appearantly she still sees/lives with/has loyalty to her mother. My oldest son hates his step dad and his step mother. His step dad has been here since he was about 5 years old, almost ten years now. His step mother has been around for about 5 years now. Just because he's used to them being in the family doesn't make him hate them any less. His step dad has done so much for him, things he now knows that his dad will not do! He still hates him. His step dad takes better care of me than his dad ever did and still he hates him! I don't think that there is anything that you can do, except keep doing what you have been doing. Just show her that you care and that you are taking good care of her and her dad and always make sure that you do what you say! It's going to get worse before it gets better, but one day she'll be an adult and she'll see that you are still there for her! Just keep that in mind! Good luck!

I really do feel for you. I married my husband 4 years ago...he had three children, 21, 16 and 15 when I married him. It was terrible....the oldest moved out, the 16 moved out when he graduated....and the 15 year stayed till she was 18 and moved out. Their mom had died 3 years before I met their dad. It is a situation that was very hard. I think I would of waited till the kids were grown and gone before I married him if I did it again. I got so stressed and sick. The youngest daughter accepted me I thought...told me she loved me and told me she wanted me to be her mom. I had told them from the beginning I was not there to take their moms place.....to make a short story I thought she did love and care about me...till I read on her website how she really felt about me and found out what she told her friends....IT HURT BAD! My husband and I have had talks with her almost every week...one ear out the other.....pray....get in church if you are not there...things happen for a reason...and you are in her life for a reason not only cause of her dad..... Just love the stepchildren, they will always remember the good you have done for them and in the long run I hope it pays off....I am still waiting....she is 20 now...GOOD LUCK!!!

I think you should have a one on one girl talk with your step daughter. Express your care and concern for her one on one. She is probably insecure- who would not be if their mom was not full time in their life at such a young age. She is growing up and girls go through stages and life withdrawals etc. Spend quality time with her more often. However, I must commend you for being such a strong woman to care for 3 step daughters and a son of your own at such a young age. They will appreciate you one day for raising them.

I think she just hasn't got used to it yet and in time she will. She just might blame you for her biological parents being back together. She may have thought that maybe they would've ended up back together until you came into the picture. I can only say from someone that's been there before. When i was 12 my mom died and i was in her shoes when my dad got re-married and i said the same things but in time we became the best of friends as long as she understood that she could never take my mother's place in my life or my heart. I also told her that i would never call her mom or anything like that. I have said to people that she is my step-mom because it is the truth but i never say mom or mother to her. I say just let it play itself out, and if not see if you can talk to her dad about and see if he can't get some answers out of her to make things better.

What's going on with her is perfectly natural.

Every child "hates" his or her parents at some point - it generally starts aout the asme time as puberty.

And it's doubly natural for step-children. No matter how nice you are to her, no matter how good a step-mom you may be, no matter what the reasons for the divorce were, part of her resents the fact that you have taken her mom's place in her dad's life. It's not something that she does intentionally, it's natural for her to wish that her dad was with her mom and not you.

She'll eventually grow out of it if you keep doing what you can to be a good step-mom. That includes not only the fun stuff, but also saying no at times. One thing I learned, both as a setep-mom, and as a mom whose daughter had a step-dad, is that the bio-parent needs to be the one who sets the rules as far as the childern are concerned, and the step-parent backs up the bio-parent.

A good friend of mine told me that as a child, he resented his step-mom and fought with her constantly. It was only after he became an adult that he realized what she was trying to do for him, and was able to appreciate it. He and she are now close friends.

I have problems just like this with my step-son. I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with the things you say you are doing. As long as you are making an effort and treating her like your own child, I think sooner or later she will probably come around. Your husband is right about her having a problem with him being with someone other than her mother. I think all you can do is just keep up the good work that you've been doing. Keep spending time with her, and planning things for her. But don't let her run over you. I know most people will say that you are not the parent and you don't have a right to discipline her, but I believe that you are just as much a parent as her father and mother. Don't go out of your way just to be friends with her, be sure you enforce the rules and don't just let her have her way just because you want her to like you.
I hope it all works out for you. Don't feel alone with your step-children, I have the same problems with mine, as I am sure alot of step-parents do. Being a step-mom is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it also can be very rewarding when you start seeing how that child benefits from your relationship.
Good luck to you, and Happy Easter!

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