Teenage Atitude

I think most teenagers have some type of attitude like this, but I have a solution to the slamming the door. I have a friend whose daughter always slammed the door and she asked to stop and that if she did it again, that she wouldn't like the consequences. So, the next time she slammed her door, my friends got a screw driver and a hammer. She went to her daughter's room. Opened the door, didn't say a word and proceeded to take the door off it's hinges. Again, not saying or responding to anything her daughter said. She carried the door down stairs and put it in the garage. Her daughter was so upset, but after a while she earned her door back and she never has slammed it since. It wasn't like her mom didn't warn her. Anyways, I thought is was a great idea and it worked.

Remember it isn't about you. She is grumpy and needs some space. Let her have the space. When she cools off, and you are in a non-threatening situation, ask her what was up earlier. It isn't about you! It is about the ups and downs of a teenager. Good Luck!

Dearesr A. ~

This is, of course, normal. She's still the same sweet person inside that she always was, but her hormones are going wacky, the peer pressure is great, the school work is harder and she's trying to grow up. Keeping a loving, understanding and open relationship with her is VERY important right now. These outbursts are, yes, disrespectful, and you should not let it go without addressing it - but don't overreact. Let her know that you understand that things might be tough in her life right now, but that it HURTS YOU when she speaks to you in that manner, as you only want to help her through this time. Let her know you are here for her whenever she wants to talk - then leave her alone for awhile. Then go back to her some time later and ask her if there's anything bothering her and let her know you will try to help her through it. It could be something as simple as she has cramps from her period! Never let her speak ugly to you without letting her know that it hurts you that she won't trust you to open up with you. If she gets TOO mouthy or out of hand, you might have to take away some priviledges for awhile - like her phone or computer use. Let her know that when she's ready to speak to you in a decent manner that she can have these priviledges back. Try not to take some of the things she says so personally - you're the mom and you will naturally get the brunt of her frustration with life. Just don't give up on her and keep letting her know that you love her and she can come to you with anything.

Ultimately, what you are doing by keeping her active in church and setting good examples for her, will keep her on the right path. Just hang in there. Things will get better in a few years - trust me! I wish you the best!

~ K.

Take her out for a dinner or lunch alone for a talk. Keep lines of communication open. Tell her something private about your teenage years. it may help her to relate. She could be going through so many changes that she can't understand her own feelings. She may need space, but make sure she knows you are always available if she just needs to talk!

I taught middle school/jr. high for 11 years and have met SO many parents who have been through exactly what you described. Early on, was introduced to a book that provides a means to positive communication between parent and child. Parents thought so highly of it that it was turned into a course that was offered at our school. It's called Parenting with Love and Logic:
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Love-Logic-Updated-Expand...

and there is one written specifically for teen issues: http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Teens-Logic-Updated-Expan...

I used the Teaching with Love and Logic in my classroom practices. It provided me with the framework to be a positive influence rather than trying to control every situation. I don't work for the company or receive anything by referring it to you, but I have seen the ideas and concepts in this book really help parents and families. Good luck! Your daughter is lucky to have a mom that cares as much as you do.

A., welcome to the raging hormones years. I didn't have a daughter, but listened to my friends tales of those tempestuous times.

It is very usual for a early teen girl to be extremely moody, and to have those attitudes that you describe. It's nothing you have done, but she's partly at the mercy of her hormones. I understand that it will pass in a few years.

My suggestion is to wait until she is in a less confrontational time, and just sit, mother to daughter, and say that you know that she is at times feeling 'testy', and that you still love her and hope that you two can keep a good relationship during these years. Also, validate that she is growing up, that you are proud of her school and church life, but that you sometimes are upset by her reactions to you. Don't let it be accusatory or scolding, just supportive and communicating your feelings.

It sounds as if your daughter is growing up to be an excellent young woman, so if this is your worst problem, then you are blessed.

I don't have a teen.

My first thought is not to take it personally, but if it's a common occurance, I would probably tell her that I expect to be treated with respect, as I treat others with respect. I'd remind her that I'm her mother and love her, and know she loves me.

If it continues, I might leave a note for her now and then, telling her something positive about her that I enjoy. I might have a family meeting or dinner where everyone goes around and says 2 things they like about whoever is on their left, or everyone at the table.

If it continues after that, I might sit her down and ask her to help you come up with some solutions to the problem. If she refuses, I'd probably start a marble jar or something where when she is rude, she puts in a quarter, and at the end of the week she goes to the store and buys something special for you. Or better yet, you guys do something special WITH eachother, ice cream or pedicure or museum.

Other than that, I guess if it continues, I'd start taking away priveldges, but that's hard because it's not directly related to the issue and should be.

There is a book that is geared toward this age called How To Talk So Your Kid Will Listen and How To Listen So Your Kid Will Talk .... very very valuable information in it.

It is the hormones!! I have a 14 yr old daughter that has gotten better now that her hormones have "regulated" somewhat, but there are days that I just want to strangle her!! I just try and remember what it was like when I was that age and not to take it personally. This too shall pass.....God, at least I hope so!!

Good luck to you!

Oh A.! I am sending you a BIG hug right now! My heart feels your pain. Especially knowing that it's gonna be a while before it really gets better. You have to get yourself mentally prepared to walk through these years with her knowing that you have her best interest in mind. Think about how God has worked with you over the years. As your Heavenly Father, I'm sure He has tried to talk to you before and you were not available for whatever reason. But, He never gave up on you. He has allowed you to grow and mature and realize that He is truly on your side. Even when He tells you 'NO'.

Remember that God gave her to you because He knew you would help her to become who it is that He wants her to be. Our job as parents is to raise them up so that they can go. I heard it taught once that children leave but spouses stay. That's why it is so important for us to work on our relationship with our husbands on purpose. Because one day, our children will be all grown up and out on their own.

I highly recommend the book, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman. He is a Christian author with 4 children of his own. I love the way he teaches reality discipline. He really helps us parents understand how to work with our kids and love them even when they are not really being loveable. We have put this book to the test and it has worked great!

Another thing that I just remembered reading one night was in a book written by The Moore's. They do a test in churches they speak in that shows what a teenagers real desires are. Now it is very important to the test, that all of the teens know that their answers are strictly confidential and that NO ONE can see them. They are in one room away from the parents/adults. Both groups are asked the same question and the results are amazing! The kids really do care what their parents think of them but they WILL NOT let their peers know that. And the adults all thought that the kids would pick get rich or get married as their top priority. Email me and I'll give you the details if you want them. ____@____.com
It's hard to go through the transition from mommy to just mom. But it's been going on throughout time. Try to see it the way she means it. She has not a clue why sometimes. Let her come to you when she's ready. And keep letting her know that you love her...but from a distance. Like writings and phone calls and messages and such.

My mom said one time that I told her that I was so angry that she didn't do anything with me any more. So she asked me if I wanted her to go with me and my friends to the movies and sit with me and watch a movie together. She still laughs as she remembers the look on my face at the thought of my mother with me at the movies. LOL! I knew I missed what we were but I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted us to become.

Your baby is growing up mom. Please be sure that you look at what a GREAT job you have done so far. She wouldn't have those straight A's nor know the Lord and be involved with her youth group at church nor be involved in sports, etc. had you not been there for her and lead her down that path. What an awesome mom she will be one day!

Keep up the good work mom!

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 8 & 2 yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs. I love to help other moms, who want to become SAHMs, reach that goal.

A. first know that it's not you. I too have a 13yr old daughter and sometimes it's like talking to myself. Now I know that they are experiencing growing pains and we once went through our own cycle, but todays children are so much more different than we were. So sometimes we have to do what we did when they were small-count to ten. Make sure you have one-on-one time w/ her even if you have another child, and even if she doesn't want to. It's important. They have bad days sometimes too,just seems they deal w/ it differently from us. Good Luck

Yeah, I remember well; this may or may not work for you. Its all about choices, because we do have choices. My daughter chose to slam her bedroom door when things didnt go the way she thought they should; i would take it off the hinges and say you made your choice....You can be angry, but you will not break up our home....She would turn up her music because; "Im so mean and dont understand.". i would turn the circut breaker off in the basement, she had a choice...bottom line; with every action there is a reaction.. I made sure she was accountable for the choices she made...patience and creative opportunity..pick your battles wisely. Girls that age change their plans every half an hour. Monitor, but only step in when it may cause harm. Take what she loves the most away for just one day (ie..cell phone) ...yes it will hurt you more than her..but this will pass and make her think more about the choices she makes. Let your love for her give you the strength not to drop kick her out the door..practice not taking what she says personally..When my daughter took the things i did for her for granted, i would not give them to her, she would have to trade her time for the cash, or favor..She wanted independence, wanted to have adult privilage, that comes with responsibility. (Yes, this was at the age of 14, i can only imagine how fast they grow now!)
When i was wrong, or lost my patience, i would apologize,and be accountable for my actions as well.. I am a person too, i have faults and feelings.
I remember well...teens need your time and respect, they learn by what they see and feel...teach them well..and dont forget to tell her you love her, you just dont like her behavior at the moment..its was worth every grey hair i have :)

Hi A.,
Believe me when I say, "It is not You!"

Teens gets very emotionial and defensive with their parents, teachers etc. Parents tend to be the hardest hit. Remind yourself you have done nothing wrong!! Let her know you are ready to listen when she wants to talk , but stick by your guns in relational to school work, chores etc. Speak to her with respect, and let her know no one likes to be yelled at or ignored. Sometimes she may need to be alone or talk to friends which become more important now.

It may help to compare notes w/ moms of her friends. Parents tend to tell of the same experiences.

Good luck.

A.

No need to try to figure out what you did wrong. You probably did nothing wrong. But do you allow your daughter to talk to you like that and act like that toward you and treat your belongings (house) like that? Rules about how our children speak to us and other things such as 'no door slamming', etc. are all things we have taught our children from the time they were toddlers. I'm not sure you can un-do what you've allowed so far but you probably should try. Her social life is not your problem. Let her know you are there should she want to talk, but just because she's got hormones going (my 14yo son went through puberty at 11) does *not* mean that things change at home--period. You and your husband/their father, assuming he's involved, need to create a united front and make sure she knows what is allowed and what is not. If you don't, I assure you there will be a long row to hoe, as she is only 13 now. You need to follow through with any threat you make about her behavior and do not back down no matter what. It will be hard-especially if you haven't been doing this all along--but believe me, she will thank you for it about 8-10 years from now. About a year ago, a 13yo girl sent a picture message (cell phone) to my son of herself topless! She took the picture of herself in the mirror! Needless to say, we called the girl's parents (divorce situation there) and let them know, then I had my son call the phone company in front of me to cancel text messaging. He didn't even beg for us not to, as he already knew the rules and he knew we wouldn't back down.

I wish you the best. Start now.

It's not you, Mom. It's the age! In my experience and some of my friends, our daughters were moody and not themselves around the age of 13. Perhaps it is a hormone thing? Hang in there. Things will be better next year. AF

Hi A.. I'm sorry, but I'd go nuts on her. Counting to 10 and any other number wouldn't stop me from going to that hyde. Escalating the situation...please. You're the parent and if you don't stop it and nip it in the bud now, your attitudy daughter is only going to get worse. You approach her just like she needs to be approached... need I say more. Put your foot down and let her know that SHE is the child and YOU are the adult and her nastiness and attitude better stay on the outside of that front door. Sorry for sounding so harsh, but kids these days seem to forget what place they're in and sometimes need to be reminded.

Dear A.,

I feel your pain! I currently have 5 teenagers (sons 19,18,15 & 13) and a 17 yo daughter (and newly 12 yo twin girls...yite!) Any prayers (or medals...or halo s) GREATLY appreciated!!

You have received some wonderful advice, resources and stories, as usual, from the wonderful mom's here.

I have lately thought of 'mailing' my 13 yo and my 17 yo to nebraska...lol.

I feel that 'teenage years' are like the 'toddlerhood' of adulthood. I use many of the same stategies/expectations I used when they WERE toddlers actually...'inside voice'...'touch each other nicely'...'where does THIS belong (laundry especially). You get the idea!

This is a rough time for them as they struggle to grow into adulthood, and sorry to say, I have found my daughter's journey to be more difficult for ME (and her) than it had been with the older boys. Part of this MAY be that we are very much alike in personality...good qualities as well as 'challenging bits'. She also came across a picture of me at her age...same hair...same face...same 'type' clothes...scary! And, I am SURE scarier for her as she looks at me now, at 49... (poor kid! lol)

I also am convinced that god has a sense of humour...as ALL my girls struggle with hormones as I struggle thru peri menapause...(God MUST be a man to boot!!)

All I can really say is have patience, pray, and DO impose 'natural/logical consequences' for choices she makes.

My eldest is away at college, and it is a JOY to have him home on breaks. While he was usually appreciative when living here, a year and a half of college has certainly been an education for him in MANY ways.

May sound sexist, but I do feel girls are 'ready' to leave earlier than boys. My 17 yo daughter is a senior this year, but was certainly 'ready' in many ways to be on her own last year...

Sending good thoughts your way
And yes...this too shall pass
And quicker than ya think!

Take Care
Michele/catwalk

A.

I have a 17 year old daughter and we have had some roguh times. I used to try to talk to her when I knew something was wrong and would wonder why she would not want to discuss with me her problems. I decided not to ask her any more and just let her know that I wil be there if she needed me. She would come and talk at times and other times I would find out other ways. But each time I let her know that I was there for her.

Your daughter may be going through something at school or in her social life. She may not talk to you but she may talk to one of her teachers. Just be patient and keep it in prayer. She will talk when she is ready and let her know that you will be there when she is ready. Trying to push her will not work.

Things will work out.

Once a month my sweet daughter turns into this crabby moody whiny creature. PMS. I talked to her about this and she understands ( and even more important, I understand) what is going on. PMS can be rough on us grown women, it can be even rougher on teenagers when combined with other teenage issues.

My son is 15 years old and I go through some of the same things that you're describing with your daughter. You just have to be patient. Teens may look like little adults, but they're still children. With my son, I treat his bad attitude the way I did when he was a 3-year throwing a temper tantrum. I tell him calmly (as best I can) that his behavior/attitude is unacceptable and reinforce what behavior is expected. And even though he shuts me out from time to time, he always opens up eventually. Best of luck...the teen years are the tough.

Not that this part helps, but this is VERY common for mothers and daughters, I know that my mother and I went through it and we're the best of friends now, we talk 1-2X/day expect when she's visiting me for 2+ weeks at a time (mostly for the grandkids), so it does get better. Now, what my mom learned and we're watching my sister-in-law go through with my niece is that if you push too much, they pull back more, so offer to talk, but don't push. Do set rules, there are certain things your not allowed to say, and you must be polite to me, even if you feel you don't like me, and if you don't these are the consequences, etc. Then my mom used to take me shopping, sometimes we spent more money than we should, but more than often we would go to the mall, get "coffee" and a something to eat and window shop. I tended to open up then, though I only realize that now, as an adult. You may want to try to do something with her that will be fun and put you in a girlfriend light, though be careful not to try to become her girlfriend, I saw and see moms do that, it doesn't work, but an hour or two will help. Good luck!!

A. P- I to am going though this with my daugther who is 12 going on 21, Other moms are telling me that she is just going though and its normal. Well I know I just want to send her to bording school away from me for a while I think we are spending to much time together and not enough time with people our own age. I am a single parent and I hope I did not take my mother though these changes! HELP TOO!!

Hi A.,
Just know you are not by yourself. I, too have a teen. Reesha, 15. Sometimes I just pause and breath before responding because otherwise I will "go off" and then I feel horrible later. I have found that just by not responding right away helps tremendously. She often feels guilty and comes in my room and apologizes. Or I can cool down and think rashionally. That's when I give her the shpeel(?) about what's she's done, her attitude, why it's not good and ect. Also know that "this too shall pass". During my teenage years, I was a huge handful and challenge on my parents. I remember many nights saying I hated my Mom. That same Mom is my very best friend!

HANG IN THERE A.! It will get better.

Sincerely,
D.

hi A.,

i can't wait to read the responses you get - i'm in the same boat....... help!!!

B.

Hi,
I have three little girls and they all seem to be clones of me. I love that but I was the girl who slammed the door and had the ugly attitude. I know that I did this mostly when I felt I had little control on the things around me. If I told my parents I thought I would lose their trust in me and my judgement. Slamming and yell made me feel more in control. My parents weren't even control freaks or anything but the thought of them not trusting me made me actually have hyperventalating nightmares. My parents gave me space and sometimes I talked but mostly I muddled threw myself. I would have prefered feeling like I could talk to them WITHOUT them trying to fix it(making me feel small). I needed to do the fixing on my own, but I wanted someone to listen like a sounding board with NO opinion unless asked for.
I hope this helps.
I am already trying to build a very open, trusting relationship with my girls knowing where they came from and where it could go.
L.