We very suddenly learned that our family dog Maddi had a very serious health condition and we decided to put her down on Friday. Our daughters are one and a half and two and a half and we don’t know how to explain this death to them. Our one year old really seems oblivious to the loss, but our oldest somewhat understands it. The girls gave Maddi kisses before she left and we told them that Maddi would not be coming home. We have been reading the children’s book, “Dog Heaven” and we say that Maddi is in heaven.
Here are a few of the comments my oldest has made: “Maddi is in heaven because she has a big bleed in her tummy” “Her in heaven and her not have a bleed in her belly anymore.” Yesterday she hugged the cat and said, “Maddi is in heaven. Do you want to go get her? Do you want to see her? Her in heaven.” This morning she walked out of her bedroom and was lying on the living room floor, sobbing. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “I want to go to heaven. I want Maddi.”
How do I explain death to a two year old? How do I tell her that heaven isn’t a place we can go to see Maddi and that we aren’t just keeping her somewhere where she is alive and well?
That's exactly what you need to say; heaven isn't a place where she can go visit. Very young children have limited ability to understand death so when you try to explain they don't retain the information. Don't tell her Maddi was sick and she went to sleep. Instead tell her Maddi had a disease and died. You'll have to explain it over and over again but isn't that what moms do?
A child that age will just understand at the level they are capable, and there's no "getting them to understand" it better than they are presently able. She clearly feels the loss and understands that Maddi is absent in a place that is difficult to visit. Her mournful wishing to go to heaven seems to indicate to me that she DOES understand it is a place that can't be visited, otherwise I would think she would simply ask matter-of-factly to hop in the car and go there to see Maddi. Let her grieve and don't tell her not to be sad. Express sympathy toward her feelings of sadness and acknowledge that you feel sad and miss Maddi, too, and that maybe SOMEday a long, long time from now, maybe she will see Maddi again.
I went through this same thing with my son last year when he was just a little younger than two. Though for us, it was my mother (his grandmother, of course) that died. There's no point in trying to pretend to a child that the loss is anything other than it is: a death. The full concept of what death is and means may take years for a child to really "understand". I think the best approach is to simply say, "Maddi died. She's in heaven and she can't come back. We are so lucky to be able to remember all the happy times we had with her, and lucky to have all these photos that we can look at that help us remember how much she loved us."
I think you are doing as well as can be expected. Give it a few weeks. Their memory s of the dog will fade a bit. In a few months it will fade a bit more.
This is a hard situation, one that I personally had to go through myself. For me it was I would sit with him and say.. I miss maddi too and while we want her with us, she is in heaven now but will be waiting for us. We can't go and see her but she is in our memories and we will always love her. If you have a picture left her have it so that she has something of her precious maddi. After a while you can redirect her attention to something else, it won't take long before the memory fades especially at this age. Don't dwell on it and she won't either. While everyone in the family misses her take time to let her grieve and move on.
You have done well, it sounds like she is doing well and everything she is saying is age appropriate. I agree, just tell her you cannot go visit her and keep reading the book (we have it, too, and love it).
S.
The finality of death is hard for a child to comprehend. Your daughter is tasting the edge of that when she misses her Maddi. I would sit with her and help her fully experience her feelings. Empathize, let her know you feel sad, too.
Missing Maddi is both sad and sweet, so help her notice the sweetness. Tell her Maddi would want her to to happy they had time together, and that someday the sadness will get smaller.
We use this approach with my grandson, who lost a beloved pet at two and a beloved great-grandma at three. He still remembers both with tenderness, and has learned to accept that the sweetness of that love is still there, right along with the sadness of missing those dear ones. It's all part of the fullness of life.
I love the thought that the heights of our joy will match the depths of our sorrow. We can't experience one without the other. It's fine if your children see you model a willingness to feel grief and loss, and then acknowledge that our loved ones want us to feel happy again as soon as we're ready.
It may also help to introduce the idea of taking turns. Every person, animal, and plant has a turn at living its life. When their turn is finished, they die so other people, animals, and plants can have their turn. For most of us, our turn is over when we are so old and sick that we aren't enjoying being alive any more. I also avoid equating death with sleep, because some children become afraid to close their eyes at night.
My oldest is 6 now but two years ago while he was just 4, I had to put my 1st dog to sleep due to diabetes complications. My son came with me to the vet and we said good-bye and he was in the room while the shot was given. I know he didn't understand it all but he knew I was upset (devastated). I explained that our dog had gone to animal heaven and would be waiting for us when it came our turn to go to people heaven. I didn't think that much sunk in but even now my now 6-yr-old will bring up our dog passing even tho we have three other dogs. I just keep telling him that while we cannot go to doggie heaven at this time, someday we will and when that happens our dog will be so happy to see us and he won't be sick anymore. This has become a combination lesson for us. It has taught that death is in our lives and that someday even people die. My son will be sad for a bit but I just try to focus on the happy parts. He is not sick anymore and eventually, a while down the road after we have lived our lives, we will all get together again.
Hope this helps!
J.
