J.C. asks from Mount Vernon, OH on July 13, 2011
Family Pet Is Dying. How Much Emotion Do I Show?
Our beloved 12 year old Newfie/Lab mix is declining. Big old Russell is seeing his last days. We're waiting on blood tests, but it doesn't look good. He's stopped eating and it may just be a few weeks or even days until we have to make the hard decision to put him down.
My question is this: How much sadness can I let my children see from me? I've had this boy since he was a puppy. I've had him longer than I've lived with my husband. This dog has been through everything with me. I know this sounds hokey, but he's my first little boy. How can I possibly curb these feelings of sadness in front of my children? I don't want to scare the kids by sobbing in front of them. A little crying should be okay, but I worry about going overboard. My kids are 6 1/2 and 4. I don't want to be the cause of their sadness by crying too much in front of them. And I am a cryer. Big time. I've never cried in front of them - a tear or two here and there - but I usually can stave it off. I don't feel I can in this instance. The grief seems pretty strong and I'm not sure I can hold it back. On top of that, my husband is working M-F out of town, so it's not like I've got a backup to run interferance when I need to duck into the bathroom.
At the same time, as superficial as this sounds, this is a good first step in learning about death. I think it will be healthy for the kids to evolve through a loss process. Does that sound heartless? Corny?
Please give me your thoughts and suggestions, Ladies. Thanks very much in advance.
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C.N. answers from Baton Rouge on July 13, 2011
My daughter saw me cry for days after having a cat I had raised on a bottle euthanized at 16 years old. She loved that cat too, and her seeing me cry let her know that it was okay to feel sad, and it was okay to express that sadness.
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A.V. answers from Washington DC on July 13, 2011
As much as you need. I would try not to cry constantly in front of them, but I think that acknowledging that you are sad, that it's OK to cry, that adults cry sometimes, too, is healthy. It IS a sad thing! It helps them with their own grief.
When our cat died, we all cried (DH and my tough guy SS, too). DD didn't understand but we told her that we were sad because we loved the cat a lot and he was very sick and died. She gave us all hugs. Sometimes kids can be very healing.
I would have a family meeting and say that he's very sick and is going to pass away. I would let them say their good byes. My SS let the cat sleep with him in his final days, even though the medications had given the cat some terrible odors. Let them be a part of the burial if they want, too. Say a few words. Plant a flower. Don't lie to them or they will feel betrayed later. Loving someone or something sometimes means letting go. Sometimes I think the number of tears is proportional to the amount of love you gave and received over the years.
Hang in there. I'm sorry you will soon have to say goodbye to a good friend.
5 moms found this helpful
B.R. answers from Naples on July 13, 2011
Oh, I am so sorry that you are going through this with your fur baby. I just had to say goodbye to my best boy Oliver, a Keeshond mix that I adopted from animal control 16+ years ago. I have only been married 8 years, and we have a 7 year old daughter. Over the last year and half to two years, he had some issues and coupled with his doggy Alzheimer's he was requiring almost constant care, I was even able to take him to work with me every day. I took him to the vet for an "evaluation" and had to have him put to sleep on June 1, the saddest day of my life. I held his beautiful face in my hands right to the end. The day before, we took him out for his favorite activity.. a family day together at dog beach and long car ride. I find myself still crying about him.....several times a week, sometimes out of the clear blue. I spent almost the whole day at the dog beach hiding under my hat and umbrella crying! My daughter has been very comforting to me. Just before that happened, my daughter saw the most beautiful journal with a jeweled clasp that she just had to have, since she rarely asks for things I bought it for her. The only think that she has written in it so far, is a poem about our dog with hand drawn picture.
" He was nice
He was furry
He was there
He was mine
He was smiling
He was Oliver"
My boy had a funny habit of backing up to small bushes when he had to do #2' squatting and dropping the bomb inside. We brought him home from the vet, buried him in our side yard and planted his favorite plant as a memorial. Smetimes I go out there to "visit" him, sometimes I just start crying in my car for what seems like no reason to anyone else...except that for me it's usually when I am recognizing that hole in my day where he used to be...like having to lift him in and out of the car to go to and from work, or running errands on the way home from work which I couldn't do when I had him with me etc.. The other day as we were leaving the house, my daughter took off around the side of the house. When she came back, she said that she just needed to go visit Oliver. She climbed into the car and said " you know what mom? You know what would make him happy? To see us happy, not sad...he will always be with us mom". I am sorry that you are going though this now, in really feel your pain! I think that it's ok to cry in front of your kids. When I picked my daughter up from school that day and she asked what his status was and I had to tell her in the car as we drove away from school, she started screaming and crying "nooooo nooooo, no, no. Why why why did he have to die?" she really really screamed and cried for awhile. We had talked to her previously and asked her if she would want to go to the vet with us, she said no, so she wasn't with us, and for the first time since we've been married my husband went with me to the vet. I strongly recommend that if you can't have a vet come to your house, please take someone with you to the vet. Overall, my daughter seems to be doing better than me with this....she often expresses sadness and says that she misses him, but then she bounces right back, so I think that it would be ok for you to be sad and cry in front of your children. Have you explained to them that this was your baby before you were married and had a baby? My daughter had heard the story many times how @36+ & being single I didn't think that I would ever be married and have a baby...so for years he WAS my baby, and then it was his happiest days when I got married and then had a baby girl for him. Good luck with your baby's test results, I hope that it's just something some meds will take care of and he will be fine for now, if not....***hugs** and know that you are it alone!
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R.D. answers from Richmond on July 13, 2011
I'm so sorry :(
I think it's good to show children that it's okay to grieve. I'd save the rib-racking sobs for when you can shut yourself in your room and bawl into a pillow and cry uncontrollably, because hey, you have to grieve too. Totally normal. But it's completely healthy to let your kids know that it's okay to be sad!
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M.S. answers from Chicago on July 13, 2011
From someone who's had dogs all her life and has lost two already, I think you should show your kids you're grieving and it will be more then just one day. It will take months really...Don't underestimate what a big part of your family he was. I think you should show your kids that you're sad and going throug this to help them get through it and provide healthy example of dealing with loss.
3 moms found this helpful
J.S. answers from Hartford on July 13, 2011
There's nothing wrong with showing emotions other than happiness in front of our children. It's important that they see us experiencing sadness and anger and upset and then handling it so that they can learn skills for dealing with those emotions as well. Our children shouldn't be shielded from our emotions. If your Lab's health is making you sad and you feel like crying then it's all right for them to see you cry. There's nothing wrong with being sad. There's nothing wrong with what people tend to think of as "negative" emotions and there's nothing wrong with being sad or angry or upset and expressing and going through those emotions... it's how we handle those emotions and what we do with them that matters and not harming others in the process. And it's not harmful for children to see you cry. It helps them become empathetic.
3 moms found this helpful
D.B. answers from Charlotte on July 13, 2011
Please go ahead and cry. It is NOT superficial to consider that this is a good first step in learning about death. Really and truly. Our dog died when my older son was 5 - we all cried. And months later, when his great-grandma died, he knew what it meant. And the tears we shed for both of them SHOWED him how much their lives meant to us all.
If we don't cry in front of children over a death, what do they come away with? That a family member isn't worth crying over, but a cut finger is. That kind of thing.
My younger son cried at the funeral when my dad died. Sitting with the family in the outer room while they closed up Daddy's coffin, he asked my older son and husband how they could not cry - I hugged him and said that they have and they are grieving in their own way. That everyone was sad. And it was true - they had cried their tears and were now thinking about my dad being in heaven. I, on the other hand, was still crying and continued to. My son saw both levels from his family, and I think that's good. (Btw, he was 13 at the time, and my older son was 15.)
Start now with explaining what is going to happen. Take pictures of them with your dog. Talk about happy times, put together a picture album. They will ask questions. Answer them. It's good for you too. It will help you get through the grief.
Sending strength your way,
D.
3 moms found this helpful
M.M. answers from Washington DC on July 13, 2011
Let yourself grieve and let them see you cry. They need to see that it is OK for them to be sad.
Losing a pet is sometimes the first death that children experience. Pets are part of the family, they are worth the tears.
If hubby is gone and you think you can't keep it together at the vet's office hire a babysitter. But let the kids know that you are taking Russell in and he won't be coming back. Let the babysitter engage your kids for a while after you get home.
My neighbor had to put down her cat, 21 years old. She was a mess, at the time my daughter was the babysitter and kept the kids occupied so mom could just grieve for a bit.
Good luck with your decision. This is very hard.
3 moms found this helpful
M.C. answers from Washington DC on July 13, 2011
You grieve how you need to grieve. If your kids see that, that's fine. Just let them know that you are super sad, but will be fine in a few days.
My only suggestion is to make sure that you still get up and go through a semi-normal day. Take a shower, get dressed, eat something. The first few days will be the most difficult, but the more you go through your routine the more easily adjusted the kids will be.
Hugs.
M.
3 moms found this helpful
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