Comfort at Time of Pet Loss

Dear C.,

First, let me tell you how very sorry I am to hear about your loss. Saying goodbye to someone who has loved you so well is always so difficult. My heart goes out to your family at such a sad time.

I am a volunteer pet loss grief counselor on a web site called rainbowsbridge.com . The site has helped countless people deal with their losses in the company of others who understand the impact our furry family members have on our lives.

Bless you for setting such a wonderful example to your own children and the other children you care for by showing them how special animals are.

One story that I post often on the Pet Loss Forum at RainbowsBridge.com was written as a parable to explain death to young children. It's a beautiful story, and I'll include it here for you.

Please feel free to e-mail me if you are looking for more information on helping anyone who has lost a beloved animal companion. I am always here to help in any way I can.

Please extend my deepest, most sincere sympathy to your family, and give them all squillions of hugs for me. :)

THE DRAGONFLY

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went...Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise", they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air…

From: "Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children"
by Doris Stickney

5 moms found this helpful

Be honest with the children. You'd be surprised, children are resiliant! If the children would like sit around and remember wonderful things about Gracie. It is much harder for adults, and your lab too.

So sorry for your loss:(

3 moms found this helpful

i don't really have much advice as far as all the kids with different backgrounds and i'm guessing different ages. our dog lola passed away unexpectedly last summer and my kids (ages 1 &2 at the time) were told she went to heaven to live there. they were satisfied with that answer, although they occasionally asked for her and had to be reminded of her new home in heaven. i'm very sorry for your loss. i know for us a pet is another member of the family and it's hard when they aren't with us anymore. best wishes for you and all the little ones during this difficult time.

2 moms found this helpful

HI C.
I am very sorry to hear abut Gracie's passing. It is like losing a member of the family and it takes the same 5 steps of grieving as for any significant loss.
I would like to recommend a wonderful comforting book titled "There Is Eternal Life For Animals" by Niki Shanahan. I lost a beloved Dal suddenly at the hands of an irresponsible vet
and joined a pet loss group online .I was told about this book and it was a great comfort to me .
She has a web site www.eternalanimals.com.
The littermate of the Dal we lost grieved as long as he lived and would literally wail at times.. so you can be sure your Lab is grieving as well.
I pray that you and your family will find comfort , too
Warm hugs
D.

2 moms found this helpful

There is a poem called 'Rainbow Bridge'. We found it on the internet. Idon't think it would interfere with most religious beliefs. Good Luck.

2 moms found this helpful

C.,

I found a few books on Amazon.com that you may be able to get from the library that address children and the grieving process.

Help me say goodbye:
http://www.amazon.com/Help-Me-Say-Goodbye-Activities/dp/1...

Sad isn't bad:
http://www.amazon.com/Sad-Isnt-Bad-Good-Grief-Guidebook/d...

Tear Soup:
http://www.amazon.com/Tear-Soup-Pat-Schweibert/dp/0961519...

I hope these help. I searched under children and grieving if you want to look for these titles again.

Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss.

-C..

2 moms found this helpful

First, I'm sorry for your loss. I had to have my 15 year old dog put to sleep less than 2 months ago due to cancer and a tumor in her mouth. It's amazing how much our pets are part of the family!

I'm not sure on the age of the children, but I would ask the parents if they'd support you answering "she's in doggie heaven" or "she was old and sick and is now in a better place" or simply "she's gone". Obviously, being in the child care field, you need to respect what the parents feel is appropriate. I don't think most would have an issue with saying any of those to their child, but you never know.

With my son (at the time, nearly 2), he would look for her and ask about her. I would just say she's gone - that she was really old and sick and she's in a better place. The children may want to draw pictures or something for Gracie - you can save them to a scrapbook, too.

Obviously, you can't ignore the loss of a pet around the children, they know something isn't the same. But you can simply answer their questions and move forward. In a couple weeks time, the questions will lessen and eventually they'll just mention her now and again. They don't forget, but they realize and know the answers....

Again, I'm very sorry. Best wishes.

2 moms found this helpful

First off, I am so sorry for your loss, I know she lived a happy life, as you loved her and she had all of the children with her every day.
I love the book, the tenth good thing about Barney, and it is good for anyone.
I also have 2 labs and love them very much, I got them as pups, knowing that grands would come along and we would need dogs who were gentle. I have the grands now, and they are fabulous, gentle and kind dogs.
When you can accect another pet, I grieved for a long time till the labs, call golden or lab rescue, and get the perfect dog for your situation. Again, I am sorry for your loss.

1 mom found this helpful

I think it's ok to let the kids grieve for her. We always think we need to be strong for our kids, but my opinion is that letting them see us deal with emotion teaches them that their emotions are natural and that feeling sad when you lose a pet is okay. I'd also point out what great friends they were to Gracie to notice that she looked tired and not feeling well. Make sure to let them feel proud for 'helping' her tell you guys that she wasn't well by paying attention to her actions. Also, when they feel sad, ask them to tell a story about a funny time they remember with her. I'd leave out the details about specific beliefs and tell the kids to ask thier parents later about what happens after the fact.

~L.

1 mom found this helpful

I suggest that after some discussion and tears, that things get back to 'normal' as quickly as possible .
Let them cry, if they are sad and miss Gracie. It is the natural response to loss. Then perhaps share favorite Gracie memories.
All living things die. We cannot have life without experiencing death. Assure the children that Gracie lived a wonderful life and that you miss her too.
We have to be careful here so that Little Ones don't think that they will die the next time they are sick.
Children have the tendency to turn experiences inward, you may have to do some reassuring that THEY are OK and safe and have nothing to worry about . Mommy, Daddy and, you are going to take good care of them.
I would inform all of the parents of Gracie's passing so that they have the opportunity to deal with the subject of death in there own way at home first.
Continue with the regular and reassuring daily routine and answer questions and deal with comments as they arise.
Get right back to normal as quickly as possible and acknowledge a comment or feelings expressed as they arise.

1 mom found this helpful

I think everyone had good advice, I would add that a new distraction would be a good idea for the kids, such as a new goldfish, hampster, gerbil or something. Maybe even a kitten or new puppy to help out with your other dog's issues.

1 mom found this helpful

So sorry about your loss. My nephew just lost his dog (11 years old) and it was very hard for all. If you (and your other pooch) can manage another dog, my advice is to get one as soon as possible - perhaps adopt from the humane society and take your dog with you so you make sure the one you pick out is compatiable. If another dog is out of the question, then give you dog lots of love and attention during this time (be their constant companion) and talk with the kids about all the good times and memories with the past dog and explain that every living thing has an end and will die someday (dogs, people, plants, etc.) and that death is a natural and inevitable end to everything and that we should remember them with love and joy not sadness. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

We just lost our family pet (Simon) too. He was very old and we could see him deteriorating almost from day to day. Before Simon died we tried to talk about it with our 4 year-old son, explaining that Simon was very, very, very, very sick and that he would not get better. I told him that when Simon died we wouldn't be able to see him or pet him or play with him or give him treats any more and that his things would not be in our house any more. I also told him that Daddy and Mommy would be very sad and would probably cry.
Because you are dealing with so many different children, why don't you answer any questions they have about where the dog went with another question? That is, ask them "well, what do you think happened to her? where do you think she might be now?" I would avoid equating death with sleeping. You can focus on the fact that she was very, very, very, very sick and that the doctors tried to help her but couldn't and that most of the time when people and animals are sick they get better. As for you dog - I know it is too late for this, but they recommend with rabbits that have bonded that you let the surviving rabbit see the body of their companion and that this helps them to understand.

1 mom found this helpful

Very sorry to hear that you lost your dog. I lost my German Short hair Pointer (Max) on this past Christmas eve. It was awful he was 15 years old and just laid down and never woke up. Wasn't eating that day but no other symptoms at all. Children understand more than we think, just keep reminding them of the happy and fun times with her. Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful

Former breeder here. My kids saw the connection between me and the dogs. They knew I'd be devastated. I let them know that the dog was sick and would be gone.

"Gracie fell asleep and just never woke up because she was sick" "She would like to have stayed here, but she just was too sick"
There is no easy way to break the news to the kids. It's just one of those things.
I am so sorry about your loss. I've been there multiple times between dogs, cats, rabbits, horse. It just plain hurts.
I thought my last Gordon Setter would be sad and lonely after his mother died, so my neice needed a new home for one of her dogs and we took her in. Within a year my Gordon was gone. So now we just have the neice's dog.

You'll be fine, all of you. Take your other lab out for walks and spend time with her a lot. If Gracie had a favorite towel or blanket to lay on, let the lab have it now. It could be comforting to smell Gracie there.

1 mom found this helpful

I loved reading the answers, i have one more piece of advice: rather than TELLING the kids what happened, you might ASK them to explain to you what they think happened. Sometimes, they have better answers than grownups do! My friend Paul Owens (author of The Dog Whisperer) just buried his beloved Molly a couple of days ago, and I dug up this story below for him. So since it was right at my fingertips, I thought I'd post it here, too. And reading this little story to the kids might help.

A Veterinarian’s Story

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners; Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.

I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt Shane could learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time; I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me - I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "Everybody is born so that they can learn how to live a good life - like loving everybody and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, animals already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

1 mom found this helpful

So sorry for your loss. I know how it is when they pass on--it just breaks your heart. Ignore people who say, "It's just an animal;" the grief is real, and dogs are so much more wonderful than many people. It will get easier to deal with, with time.

1 mom found this helpful

This is very late and I didn't see the ? until the "What Happened" posted. This is something I did that helped me. Our little Pom got hit by a car and died in my arms on the way to the Vet hospital. They pronounced him dead and we had them take care of the body for us. They gave me a card with the Rainbow Bridge poem on it. I decided to make a memorial plaque for Him. I used an 11/14 frame, the clear stand up kind and used yellow constuction paper for the background. I put the poem in the middle and pics of Muffin on different colored shapes of construction paper mats like you would in a scrapbook around it and secured his little dog tag to the outside front of the frame at the bottom with double stick tape. I can put a small vase of flowers next to it to remember him. With the children you could make a poster with the pic of the dog and have the children tell you something they liked about the dog to write on it for them, or have them draw pictures of the dog to go on it. Anyway have some sort of memorial so the kids can have some sort of closure

1 mom found this helpful

Dear C.
i couldn't help but drop you a line when i saw your note.
I had a service dog named sage she was 13 years old,she went to school with me every day. She had skin cancer on her nose and it went into her brian .it's been 2 years and i still miss her,i just have learned to deal with it,in a way that is not so painful.
The childern i taught were kindergradener.they were as heart broken as i was,so we had a celebrate saggie day,it was like a going away praty,but a happy one because she made us so happy.she was a yellow lab so we eat yellow cookies that were in the shape of a dog bone.we took a band of paper and fit it to our heads and cut out yellow ears to attach them to the band,so we were yellow labs. We also painted our noses brown. I just couldn't go in to the whole god thing with them,or doggie heaven.sense the childern were all differnt faiths i ask thier parents to explain it in there own fatih or the way they wanted them to know.i did slip in that god was looking for a yellow lab,and he knew saggie was sick so he wanted to make her well by bringing her home to him.we decided that when we see a yellow butterfly it's saggie,she got her wings and now we see her this way.i don't know if i explained it to well,i am a artist and i am not alawys good at explaining myself written wise.

My little poodle missed her so bad,so i spent a lot more time with her, before i got another dog,and i made sure she was part of that. To be honest i think the celebration healed me the most.

I now have a black lab, and the little poodle. He is not sage but i finally firgued out i needed to stop trying to replace her,and once i did that he came into my life.

I hope this helped some,i want you to know i am thinking about you and your family and childern you care for.

Jen judge

1 mom found this helpful

I know this is resolved but I noticed that while someone mentioned the poem Rainbow Bridge, nobody listed the website.
You can write a tribute to your fur baby and commemorate her life and there are a lot of resources to help you all through this very difficult time.
Our cat Tai-Tai is there too.
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/hello.htm

1 mom found this helpful

You've already gotten some good advice but I would also like to add, even though you are a small daycare like ours was, you could put things like this in a newsletter to the parents. Our daycare had a section from the workers (all 3 of them) and then the 9 kids put together the rest of it. They printed them out on the computer. They had things in there like what they did all week, show and tell, what each of them learned that was new, funny things, pictures, just to name a few. I looked forward to getting their paper on Friday. It was something we talked about over the weekend.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm so sorry for you loss. I have been a licensed Vet Tech for the past 7 years and everyday isn't any easier. We have some great childrens book that help children deal with pet loss and adults as well. I will look into them and get back to you with some titles and a few websites that you can get information from. As for her companion that usually takes a while they do realize that they are missing. Sometimes they won't eat for days. They can be very restless. They may lay in areas that she laid in or play with toys that she may have had. Worse case is theie behavior changes a bit otherwise "acting out". Love, love, love is all she will need. I'd say get another one but it isn't always that easy but that sometimes help with your sadness, the family and the other dog. V.

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry for your loss, I still remember when we put my dog down when I was in college 13 years ago. Take a visit to your local library, they have some very great books on dealing with the subject. I remember preparing my daughter last year for the my Dad's passing. The book I found did have a section on pets, I wish I could remember the name of it. It was wonderful as it respected the differnt values and beliefs section, which was perfect for me because while I grew up in a religous household we are not religous as a family now. I do remember it was in the family resource section of the library. Secondly, I think it is important to send home a letter to all the families thanking them for their support during this time and letting them know questions will probably come up from the kids. It is natural for them to want to understand it more, and they will ask questions from time to time again in the future. My daughter who is 4, anytime our 11 year old lab gets sick or does not have her normal energy level asks if she is going to die and be with Papa soo. She tells me she does not want that to happen, but she knows that Papa probably misses our dog too so it is okay if she has too. So kids really do understand more then we think they do at that age. Definetly send home a letter though, so it does not catch parents off guard.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi C.,
The best thing to do is to be honest with the kids. I am a Vet Tech and we sometimes have parents that want to make things up about what happened to their pet when it dies, but it is always best to be honest w/ the kids. Sometimes children don't need long explanations of what happened (depending on their age) and a simple explanation that she was very sick and died is sufficient. I would be careful with talking about "going to sleep and not waking up" because that can cause confusion and fear about going to sleep at night. To help the kids deal with it, I would suggest activities to honor Gracie's memories-pictures or stories about or to her. I would also give extra attention to your lab since she misses her buddy too.
I am sorry for your loss-I know how hard it is!
A.

1 mom found this helpful

C.,

So sorry to hear of your loss. My husband and I and our 2 children took our first family vacation 2 weeks ago. For the first time in many, many years we had our 2 dogs kenneled (at least 7 years since I was pregnant with our first child). We went to San Antonio to take our 6 and 4 year old to Sea World. The first morning we woke there, we recieved a call that our min pin "Rumor", 11 years old, passed away during the night. We immediately called my husbands father and had him pick up our other dog Lolo., a mutt terrior we had for 12 years. We had found her as a stray when she was 2. She was the best dog!! The night we got home and picked her up, she died of a heart attack. We were devasted. We had just told our children that the other dog died that same day (As we did not want to tell them the few days we were on vacation, but they needed to understand why we were only picking up 1 dog instead of 2). The next morning I got on line, because I had no idea how to have this discussion with my children and certainly didn't want them thinking death comes in 2, if one dog dies the other does, or if 1 parent dies the other will, or friends, family members etc... The valuable information i received was, make sure that you use words that bring closure that kids understand. Died, death, etc... not words like the dog is sleeping or passed. Kids need to understand that their beloved animal is coming back. The other thing that was recommended was to wait at least 3 months to get another dog and that the children understand that a new dog is NOT a replacement for the other dog. I also was given a book titled "Dog Heaven" by a friend. My kids and I read that book every single night, which always leads to questions and tears, but it has also been therapeutic for us all.

Sorry for writing a book, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. We are struggling with the loss of 2 dogs in less than 1 week and still have a long way to go, but I wanted to share that information with you.

Sincerely,
K.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi C.,
Wow! I know what you're going through, as our beloved Minature Schnauzer, Sady went to Dog Heaven on April 1st, 2008. She was hit and run on the street in front of our house right at bedtime. The ensuing hysteria is something I never wish on any other family. My husband, myself, and my two daughters, age 9 and 11 were totally traumatized. I felt very fortunate to be able to convince my girls to go to school the next day, and when they came home after school, my husband had buried Sady out in our back yard. Our girls and their friends were able to place rocks on her grave and grieve her death. We all miss her more than words can say, but it's a life lesson we had to learn together. We will get another dog, but not until we have a safe and secure fenced yard. Each of us have our own ideas...I want another Schnauzer. A book I think would be great for you to get and read to your kids is called "Dog Heaven" by Cynthia Rylant. I bought her book called "Cat Heaven" and it is a treasured part of my library. I also will be getting "Dog Heaven". Let me know what ya think of it. Losing a dog is a very painful thing, I think because to us she was a real member of our family. I only wish all the dogs in the world were as treasured and loved.

1 mom found this helpful