Explaining to a 3 Year Old Her Kitty Isn't Coming Home?

Hi W., This is always a tough situation; we've lost several pets and it doesn't get any easier. The one thing you never want to do is to lie to your kids -- they know when you're not telling the truth and you want to maintain a high level of trust between you. They know you are sad and talking about what happened will help both of you. It's OK to cry !!!!! Gently tell her that the cat was very sick and the vet was not able to make the cat better (emphasize that most of time, the vet can make the pet better or keep it well so she isn't fearful of taking a future pet to the vet). There are several great books on dealing with a pet's death; ask your librarian for suggestions. The one I really like is "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney", in which the young child writes down ten good things about her pet. As much as we want to wrap our kids up in bubble-wrap and protect them from the sad/bad things in this world, that is not our purpose as parents. We need to teach them how to cope and deal with the sad things that come our way. This is one of those "teaching moments". My sympathies are with you, and even though kitty is gone, your good memories are still alive.

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I would just explain that the cat was very sick and went to heaven because God had a place for it. I would eventually get another cat for your child to have as a pet after you have some time to grieve.

Best of luck to you.

It's never easy to talk about it, but they are suprisingly able to handle it. We have a 3 1/2 year old and last year lost our twin daughters when they were born and my husband's grandmother just passed away.

We tell him the truth. For his sisters, we told him they were just too small and the doctors couldn't help them, but they are now in heaven with God. For his grandmother, we told him she was very old and very sick and is now in heaven with God. He put it together himself that they are now all together which was a really comforting thought.

When we lost our girls I asked a social worker about how to handle it and the direct and honest approach was suggested. I was told not to suggest that they were sleeping because that might make them fearful of going to sleep. Also, explaining why they are gone should make them feel a little less anxious that it could happen to you or them, even though we know that anything can happen at any time.

Good luck...it's not easy, but sadly, it's all part of life...

-M

Hi W.,

I know this is a touchy subject to talk about. My husband's grandmother which would make it my son's great grandma passed away when he was 5. She was living with us and would be playing with him everyday after school and on weekends. She was his playmate. She was 80 years old. I also didn't know how he would handle it. But to my surprise he was okay, children are likely to be more resilient then adults. Although my son was a little older than your daughter, I would explain tell her the truth and let her know that kitty is in a better place and not sick anymore. Also, kitty is watching over her everyday. Questions will come from time to time and just remind her that kitty is in heaven and in a better place having fun with all the other pets. Be strong for yourself and your children and also I would like to say thank you to your husband along with you and your family and friends for the job that they do for us and our Country.

D.

Dear W. A,
As an animal lover, I feel for you, it's so hard to say good bye to our furry friends, and family member. I am very sorry for your loss. Last May I had to do the same for a 15 year old cat of ours, due to extreme sickness, and my daughter was just about to turn 3. I. like you, was very, very sad, and did not want to confuse her. So we talked about her not coming back home, because of how sick she was and not feeling well. We talked that she died and went to the skies, and turned into a little star. That night, we sat outside on the patio and looked at the stars, and I let her tell me which one was our kitty. She saw me crying, and i told her i was sad because i missed our kitty, but i knew i could see her every night in the skies and that she'd be looking at us too. My daughter spent the week telling everyone she met what happened to our kitty, and how she became a star. I myself look at the stars looking for her ;) so it worked for us both. She still tells me she misses the kitty, and how she wishes she'd come back. I tell her I do too.
And whenever you are ready, bring in a new kitty home, the energy and goofiness of a kitty in the house lifts anyone's spirits!
Love and Light to your family!
TW

ps we recently lost her uncle, but we did not tell her - we said he went was sick (as she saw us all sad and crying) and told her he was very, very sick and needed to go live with his mommy - who lives far away - so she'd care for him. I found it harder to tell her because he was very young so it was hard to explain that one. I find that tales are a charm for evryone, and we all believe in it after a while...

I agree with just being honest. It will be hard for you to dob but is amazing how much kids can understand and be okay with. We had to put our dog down and I was honest with my daughter. We had her ashes placed in a box and we plan on putting her to rest in the creek. Our dog's death really helped my daughter comprehend and deal with the loss of her Granny. This is a life lesson and I think kids have the ability to understand and cope. So sorry for your loss. It truly is like losing a member of the family.

My children were very young(4,3,2,1)when we had to put our dog,Fang,to sleep. I told them that he went up to heaven and wasn't sick any more. They do miss him and they were sad when it happened but it wouldn't have been fair to them to lie about what actually happened. All of them still talk about Fang.
Even if you have a hard time with death, I think that it would be better for your daughter if you actually told her, in a simplified way, what happened. Even at three, she will understand. Then when she's older she'll be better able to cope with the subject of death.

I am such a wimp about death. All the suggestions are great, and I would follow Diane Leigh's especially. Good luck! I'm thinking of your little daughter right now. Tell us how it went! A.

I'm really sorry for your loss--we recently put our 13 year old dog down. Our 2 1/2 year old saw that she got sick (sick for 2 days, gone the 3rd). We told her she had died and had gone to heaven. Since she doesn't have a true concept of heaven we told her Cleo (the dog) would watch over her and that she can talk to her every night by finding which star she is in the sky. The specifics of burial or cremation are fairly irrelevant to them if you don't put an emphasis on them. A month later my father in law died rather unexpectedly. She understands Papa died and went to heaven. She thinks they're together and she finds comfort in that. No matter your personal belief, you have to help the children cope without fear of "getting sick" and thinking everyone will die everytime they're sick. Good luck finding what works best.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I had to deal with this issue last April when I had to put my cat to sleep because he had cancer and he just didn't have any quality of life at that point. My 3-year old daughter did ask where our cat was and I told her that he was in "Kitty Heavan," where all cats are able to stay young and run and play and never feel sick any more. I also told her that Kitty Heavan is a special place where he can see us and be close to us but we can't see them but, if we are quiet enough sometimes, we may be able to hear a whisper of him and feel his presence.

I don't know what your beliefs are but the idea that our loved ones are still near even after they pass on gives me great comfort and this is the only way I could figure out how to impart that belief to my children in an uncomplicated way.

Take care.

I would tell her the truth but keep it at her level. You could say something like: "Kitty was old and got sick. Now kitty is up in heaven." Kids tend to handle these things better than we do.

Very important!!! Get this book! It will work wonders for you and your daughter!

http://www.amazon.com/Book-Kids-complete-Texts-Teens/dp/B...

It has helped me alot with explaining death to my Son. Hopr it helps Krissy

She is very young and doesn’t really understand the concept of death even if you tried to explain it to her. I would just tell her the kitty was sick and had to go away. I would let her be sad about it and tell her that you are sad the kitty’s gone too. I think that children learn life lessons about how to handle their emotions from their loved ones being honest about their own feelings around them. Of course you don’t want to overwhelm her with too much of your own grief, but when she expresses sorrow join her in expressing a little bit of your own. Comfort her and she will probably move on quickly. Whenever she brings it up acknowledge her feelings and move onto something else. It’s best for everyone not to try to avoid all feelings of sadness. When I had to put my dog down a few years ago, I went online and found several places where I could write about my grief and get comforting feed back from others. The loss of a beloved pet is wrenching, my heart goes out to you.

I am very sorry for your loss. We just had to put our 15 year old kitty down two weeks ago. His liver had been failing and he threw a blood clot and had to be taken fast to the vet to be euthanized. We told our 3 year old to give him kisses and hugs goodbye and he would not be coming home. We explained that he was in a great deal of pain and the vet would make all of the pain go away forever. Then he would be cremated (the girls have seen Star Wars and the cremation of Vader) and were more comfortable with that than being buried and being food for bugs. My 3 year old didn't look for him, but she did ask a couple of times when he would come home. I explained again about Tigger dying and that he was already cremated and buried. She seemed to understand and has only cried a couple of times when her bigger sister was sad and in tears. Her sister is 5 and was very close to our kitty and she handled it better than I would have thought. I think 3 is too young to really understand the concept of death and little ones are easily distracted away from unpleasant thoughts. I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't know if you're religious at all, but this is what I would do. Just tell her that Kitty was sick/in pain, and that God wanted her (or him?) to come to Heaven to be with Him from now on because in Heaven you can't be sick or in pain. That way you don't really need to touch the subject of death directly, but you're still not "fibbing", since technically what you are saying IS true - it's just not the whole story that's all.(Well, if you believe in this anyways. If not then, never mind! lol)
Also, do you have lots of pictures of the cat? Maybe you and your daughter could make a scrap book of Kitty together, and then look at it when you start to feel sad... Plus it'll be a "fun" project for you to work on together.