Supporting and Loneliness

I would like to know that answer too. Because, my husband is gone all week and he doesnt get home until 9pm on friday he has to leave at 6:30am to go to school and he does not get home until 4pm and he has to leave monday morning at 3am. And when he does get home he is doing house work. We have two kids one is 5 and the other one is 3.

My husband works part-time, goes to school part-time, and studies the rest of the time. All I can say is it's nice to know there are other women out there going through the same thing and I'm not alone. I feel for you, I REALLY do!

Hi, S.. About 10 years ago when I had my first baby, my husband worked fulltime and went to school for his MBA and MastersDegrees at night. I saw him almost never and had an infant to take care of. I was new to Denver and had no friends yet, or family close by. I was bored because my son was such a good sleeper and there's only so much cleaning and laundry you can do. I started eating and gaining weight and spent most of his first year of life depressed, bored and lonely. So I know what you're going through. Although it was awful at the time, knowing what I know now, there are many things I wish I'd done with all my free time. Now I have 3 school age kids and my husband is home all evening. How I wish I had a few evenings to myself without all of them around!!! Take this opportunity and read all the books you never did but wanted to, rent all the chick flicks your husband doesn't want to watch with you and give yourself movie nights, cook large meals and freeze portions of it so when your husband is home you aren't wasting time cooking, Buy a sewing machine and teach yourself how to make clothes (other moms will be so jealous of your girl's one of a kind outfits), go online and join some online discussions with other moms (they're out there talking about any subject you could possibly be interested in). Every evening, write a letter or even just a short note to your husband about the things you and your daughter did that day, any funny things she said or just your feelings about missing him. Write it as if you're talking to him and imagine what he'd say in response. As you're writing it, think about how much joy your husband will get out of reading it the next day when he's at school or work and missing you guys. Taking care of a small child by yourself is hard, but soon your daughter will start talking and her character will develop even more...within a few months, you'll see that she will entertain you as much as you entertain her. And just think of the strong bond you'll share with all that time together. Just hang in there...you can do this!

As more children enter the picture in the future, this will not get better. I have three children, 9, 5, and 2, and my husband and I only get about one hour of quality time a night after dealing with the kids and such before we have to head to bed ourselves. There are a few things you can do, short of your husband not working those hours in the evening (which is most likely not possible). 1) Schedule time with your husband. We make appointments for everything, but not for each other. When you schedule your appointment - stick to it. Take turns deciding on what you will do with that quality time/appointment. Once a week at least, sit down and talk. Make this an appointment too. As our families grow, so do our responsibilities, so you need to become better time managers. 2) The quality of the time with your husband is more important than the quantity. You will be able to make it more special if you plan for it. 3) If you feel you need more from him, you need to talk with him about that. Likewise, he should tell you how he feels too. Communicate in an echo sort of fashion. One speaks, the other listens, and then echoes what he/she hears for clarification purposes, to know that they are being listened to. The biggest problems arrise from lack of communication. 4) You are fortunate to have your mom so close, so once a month, or even more often as you are able, make a date with your husband. Even if all you do is sit and watch TV together, you are alone with him. If you can, get your mom to watch your daughter over night for a little "weekend getaway" with your husband. 5) Even if you are not physically with him during the days and a large part of the evenings, you can still stay close with notes. Write each other love notes even as short as one sentence and leave them for each other in special places. He will always be with you when you find a special note while he's away. 5) After doing all these things to build your relationship with your husband, and you still feel "alone" in the evenings, you can also find a hobby - or something to do that builds your self esteem. I'm rather attached to my husband, moreso than he is to me, and so I discovered that one problem I had was depending on him too much to get a sense of worth for myself. You need to be able to feel good even when he's not around by finding yourself and what makes you - you! You may be mistaking loneliness with depression. It also sounds like you are upset over the fact that he doesn't do the caregiving most if not all of the time. It's not just that you are lonely for him, it's that he has an outlet outside of family duties even if it's work and school, when you don't. This is where you need to find something that gives you an outlet as well even if it's a small hobby or a group of friends you can have over for coffee for a play date with your daughter. But first and foremost, as my mother put it, God gave you your children and entrusted you to be there for them. Your daughter needs you so don't hate the job that He gave you because He knows what you are capable of and knows that you can do a fine job of it. She won't be young forever. Lastly, your husband needs to find time to spend with your daughter too. As busy as he is, he needs to focus some time with her. She needs dad as much as you need him. Perhaps he needs to set time aside like an appointment as well. This is a bunch of hodge podge information which I hope helps. I used to work outside the home, then when my oldest was very young, I stayed home and felt much the way you do now. I occasionally feel that way now, but it's all in the communication with your husband, and also realizing you are needed by your kids. Cherish those moments - they won't be there forever. And when she's asleep, find something you can do for you!

I think it's important that you and your husband have a date night once a week, where you get out and spend some quality time together without the baby. If it's not a date night, make it an afternoon or something. Whenever you can find a good couple/few hours where you can leave the kid with a sitter/grandma (or whomever you trust), and go out and do something just the 2 of you will help you feel more connected to him. At least this is one thing that will make a big difference...try it and see.

I can totally relate to you! As of now I am a SAHM. I have worked mostly PT and just 5mos FT since having my first born. They are now 3 and 4 and I am 21 weeks pregnant with baby 3. My BF works 12 hour days and with the commute he is gone about 14-16 hours. He usually gets home when I am putting the kids to bed around 8ish. He sometimes even works 6 days a week. When he comes home he helps lay the kids down , eats, watches a little tv and off to bed. I get really lonley some days and with this pregnnacy am more depressed with it all. I plan to go back to work PT on his off days cause work seems to help me get some adult contact. I think getting out is helpful not sure how many play dates she has but that has always helped me. Some days I feel like a walking zombie. Also a few good friemds to chat with or even vent to really helps! Good luck feel free to message me if you want to chat!

A.

I wish I had an easy answer for you. I don't. My husband works 3pm-midnight and is a fulltime student. I work 8-3pm and am a fulltime student. We have a 4 year old and an 8 month old. It is rough we really only see each other on Friday afternoons, saturday and then sunday mornings. I would recommend trying to make friends with others in the same situation. If you figure out an easy way to deal, please email me. Keep your chin up! You aren't the only one going through this!

I completely feel for you! I went through something similar with my husband. He spent 17 weeks in the Police Academy in Tucson....we live in Glendale so I didnt see him rarely for those 17 weeks. I have a now 20 month old. It was rough at first. But I started to take up hobbies like painting. I got really big into painting. And it helped passed time and helped me relax after a long day of work and chasing the kid around the house. My husband is now back in but works Graveyards, so when we are home together he is usually sleeping. I highly recommend finding a hobby to keep your mind off things. And to help you relax. Also when you do you do have alone time with your husband try to enjoy each other. Dont bring up stressful things like cleaning and bills. I always tried to keep it to myself or found a good time to mention it....but if you only get an hour together spend that time hanging out...cleaning can come later. Hope that helps a little and makes some sense?!

Wow! Did you get alot of responses so I'll keep this short! I too have a husband (who is a pilot) who is gone 4-5 days and nights a week. I basically call myself a part time wife and single parent. Marriage was so much easier before the kids...I have a 4 yr old and 2 yr old. My boys are now my buds...they help me cook, sometimes clean and watch movies with me. They stay up later than other kids and that's ok w/ me...it helps cure the loneliness. Hubby and I have been to counseling and I'm on meds! I have faith in God and family/friends to get me through the bad moments. Advice:Family, friends, meds and GOD!!

My husband works afternoon/grave yard shift. When he comes home in the morning he gets his paperwork together for me to type. I try to talk to him while he is doing that and spend a little time with him then, but after that he goes to bed. Then by the time he wakes up i am leaving to work. I work p/t in the afternoons for a daycare. I try to talk to one of my friends but sometimes she is a little busy, because she is either doing school work or taking or getting her kids from school. I do school online so some of my time I do with that, I have to have assignments done by midnight. Other things I do to not be bored is listening to music, or singing. Thats what I love to do. I watch tv, or read. Reading is another one of my passions. I have a 3yr old that I take care of most of the time by myself. So I know how you feel. Going to the park with your little one is fun to.

I was in a very similar situation when my son was born. My husband worked full time and went to school full time. He was miserable because all he did was work and I was miserable and exhausted because we never saw each other and my emotional needs were extremely unmet and I had to shoulder taking care of our baby and everything around the house on my own. Not to mention that he was practically a stranger to our son. Most of our marriage had been very busy like this. Before we had our son we both were in school and working and did our church obligations during much of our free time. So the only advice I have to abate the loneliness is to join something like MOMS Club like I did to meet my social/emotional needs and get support.

BUT my biggest advice is to focus on what you have control over and change the situation if at all possible. Some things really can be cut out. We just have to be willing to change. I know it's difficult so I don't mean to sound harsh. Before we made the changes we did my husband started getting depression. When I asked him to get help and maybe medicine he said, "I'm willing to try medicine but not until I've tried everything I can to change the situation that is causing depression." We couldn't handle it anymore, so we brainstormed and came up with the solution for my husband to work part-time (three 10-hour days) so he could do homework the other 2 days of the week, and finally actually have weekends off to hang our with us and play. The immediate difference in our quality of life was astounding. We had to cut back financially, but I'd much rather have a happy husband who is actually around than have a cell phone and go out to eat. Good luck! I know you can find a solution that works for you.

i am a nurse and my husband works for homeland security. when we first got married i worked nights and he worked days. some of those dayse were weekends which were the only days he got off. and i was manager of the ER so i got called in all the time on my days off. it put a lot of stress on our relationship because everytime we went anywhere i'd have to come home. then he got trasfered to a job that had him on call a lot and i went to day shift 7am to 7 pm. when i got home he got called out. after 5 years of this i finally gave up my mnagment job and lo and behold i found a better paying job as a staff nurse almost double the salary. but i had to travel 200 miles both ways 3 days a week. it was good because i only worked mon thru wed but the drive was killing my emotionally, physically so i just worked a whole lot for a few years and got everythign paid off and now i can stay at home.we dont have as much money as we used to but i dont have as much money to pay out either and we have a lot fo time. but now what to do with all my time. i had a lot of plans. we are going to build a house and move out to our ranch and i was going to take care of that but i still havent done much. i have been sewing a lot. i hav ebeen finishing all my unfiinshed projects form so many years that the fashionse have come back around. i learned how to knit and corchet and now everytone in my family has afghans. i started excersing and i hav elost 65 lbs in the last year. i cook 3 meals a day and everyone is so happy. i used to have a restaurant in my ohter life and i really missed cooking. i go to the library a lot i have read more books than i ever have. i attend all my sons school functions and have been able to volunteer as the sports trainer for the last 4 years. i move furniture around my house a lot i clean and i paint and redocrate often. maybe too often but i am learning a lot about construction, plumbing. i also spend a lot of time with my horses. and now for the last 4 months i have been babysitiing my grandson. so i really dont have time to do the thing that i started out to do. i also take naps. i havent taken naps since kindergarten. i know your situation is s=different with the baby and all but there are so many things you can do at home while the baby sleeps. if you like to read, read your books and start a book club in the evenings after the baby goes to sleep. thry crocheting. it is so relaxing and so rewarding to see the finished product. i hand made a quilt that i strted when iwas 18 and i gave it to my husband for our anniversary. i also organized all my photos and put them in scrapbooks for evey=ryone. i gave my 28 yr old son one for his wedding that had all the photos of him growing up. i also made them for all my nieces , nephews, brothers sisters and parents. youd be surprised how much time that takes.i hope things turn out wel for you and i understand the frustration but just remember, its not always going to be like this

My husband works swing shift, and since he's a manager, he usually works at least 50 hours a week. It's not unusual for him to go to work at 11:00 AM, and not walk in the door again until 1:00 AM the next morning. It's 5 or 6 days a week, with no set days off. But, he's been in this line of work since he was a teenager, and I knew about the awful hours even before we got married. I went in knowing that I would basically be a single mom. Now, we have three daughters under 5, and I just deal with it. If this means that the laundry doesn't get done, or the dishes pile up, then he has to step in and take care of those things in the morning after I've taken the kids to daycare/preschool (Did I mention that I also work full time?). I personally do not mind the alone time, and in fact look forward to not having an infant so that I can have my evenings back. Realize that the end is in sight for you. Your husband will eventually be finished with school. You should probably also take a few courses on your own. There are wonderful online classes.

I know what you are going through. my husband is in the military and he has deployed twice before and is getting ready to deploy again in April. The first time he deployed it was just the two of us, and it was really hard. Still, I got a part time job and spent a lot of time with family. The last time he deployed my daughter was 4-months-old. It was A LOT harder. I suggest finding a hobby. I started scrap booking. I suggest turning on music every night that makes you happy (for me, it was Christmas music) and work on your hobby. I also suggest finding an online place to chat at night (I joined neopets, which is mostly for children, and joined a guild for adults 25 and older there. That way, I don't have to worry about guys looking for women on there and it's censered to a children's level so that there is no worry of inappropriate talk going on). This will give you a chance to communicate with other people. All, in all, the important thing to do is keep busy. The more time you have to dwell on your loneliness, the more lonely you will feel until you have issues with depression. My last suggestion is to become a morning person. For some reason, at least for me, it was easier to stay positive when the sun was out. So I started heading to bed at around 9 and getting up around 6. Plus, it was easier to be ready for my daughter to wake up when i already had a chance to start my day slowly. Good luck, and hang in there! Eventually he will be done with school and things will get better!

Hi S.,
My husband is out of town 3 weeks a month, sometimes all four. My parents and sister live in Kansas, my brother is stationed in Hawaii and I don't see my inlaws. I am also expecting my second baby in late December and am not sure if my husband will be there. It is difficult, but manageable. At first I was very loney than it dawned on me that this is the life I am living and that I needed to figure out a way to make the best of it. All I can say is freinds. I go to a mom2mom class at my church on Tuesdays and try to have a mom lunch once a month at my house. I also take my daughter to the mall to play once a week. Really, just getting out of the house and seeing other people helps. I also have a babysitter come once a week so I can go and do something nice for myself, because I finally figured out I deserve it. Good luck and hopefully you can find a fun, healthy outlet for you and your baby girl.
S.

S., your husband is sacrificing a lot so he can provide for his family. Let him do it and try to understand. I am positive he is feeling like he would rather be home with his family than sitting in some library or lab studying.

I would love to go back to school and finish my last 2 classes, but so far time, money, and relationship has not allowed me to go. I would be so happy if my husband told me to finish my classes and get that taken care of...but he doesn't.

Anyway, try to give your hubby the support he needs, it is very difficult to focus on school when you know you have other responsibilities at home. When he graduates, you can both celebrate!!!

Best of luck - I know it is hard.
C.

I can relate to this because when I first had my daughter,my husband worked 3rd shift which means we were on totally opposite schedules. Then he got promoted to 2nd shift, which meant that my hours and my daughter's hours did not coincide with anyone's because we wanted to spend mornings with her dad. Most Mom's club activities were planned for mornings, as were playdates, so we couldn't go.

I had to find things for us to do in the afternoons on our own and it wasn't easy. During the evenings, I took some online courses and also did a lot of crafts. I read, too so that took some of the edge off.

It's not easy, but maybe if you can find something like an online class at night that interests you, you will still get something out of it and not feel so lonely or isolated.

Good luck and PM me if you ever need someone to talk with. I was in your situation for a good 4 years.

I first would like to say that I do feel for you. Caring for a toddler is hard work (I have a 17 month old and a 4 yr old), but the evenings always seem to be the worst. My husband works very long days and I stay at home with the boys, so when he gets home, all I want is to spend some time with him. Most of the time he just wants to go to be since he is so tired. I have picked up making jewelry, and it helps take the long hours in the evening away. I also call family and chat with them. If you need someone to talk to, I can give you my number. I would be very happy to talk to you and maybe make this is a little easier for you.....Good Luck :)

My husband isn't necessarily away in the evenings, but he's working on his master's degree in addition to working full-time. I used to look forward to evenings and weekends, but now I dread them because I feel that I'm taking care of our nine-month-old on my own. As soon as our son goes to bed, I'm pretty much alone, reading. So not only do I do the feeding, cooking, bath, cleaning, I also have to keep the house somewhat quiet so he can concentrate on his class. To top it off we live in a ski resort, away from a conventional "neighborhood" atmosphere where there's a support system. So I know loneliness! I'm trying to accept this situation as something that will eventually get better, and as something I will miss when our kids get older and more demanding. I think the best thing to do if you don't have girlfriends to chat with on the phone, is find a hobbie that you can lose yourself in. Try identifying those things you wish you could do if you weren't so busy, and start there...anything from scrapbooking to painting to writing to sewing...whatever creative interest you like. It also helps to know other women are in the same situation! Hang in there!

I would recommend starting a book club with your girlfriends that can go any number of directions--parenting books, a bible study, etc. It can also be a time to learn a new skill--cooking, knitting, sewing, etc. Sounds domestic but you could do just about anything and time with your friends is well spent. Just have it at your house once a week or bimonthly. You could also turn it into a home based business--scrapbooking, stamping, etc. If you're not into that maybe you can exercise etc. Does he have a plan to be finished with school. Maybe he needs to investigate distance/online learning if this is possible. Something you could do as well. You could also start a MOPS (Mothers of preschoolers) after dark group with other working mothers.

Hi S.,

I know how you are feeling. What I recommend is join a MOPS Group(Mothers of Preschoolers)also a Christian Group. They meet one day a week, a kind of moms day out, and they have on-site childcare (for free.) My daughter takes her 4 y/o and her 15 month sons. The moms do fun things, and great friendships are formed. Also, they take turns watching each others kids, so that that mom can get out and go to a movie or shop. Southeast Christian Church has a MOPS group, located on Jordan Rd, in Parker.

Also, once you make friends, you will have someone besides Mamasource! Hope you will go.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Cath