Stress - Sudbury,MA

Hey - I feel the exact same way and I only have ONE child!!!!! Not everyone adjusts to having kids the same way - I find it very stressful at times - it is the hardest job ever!!!
Hang in there and know you are not alone. You are doing a great job!!

Hi K.,

Mom's memory may be fading. That, or she never balanced babies and full-time work.

Two under two IS very stressful and your letter depicted is wonderfully. The husband/wife relationship is the one that takes the toll.

I wish I could give you some great words of wisdom, but at least I can give you my support.

From the tone of your letter, I get the feeling you are feeling the resentment many women of today's generation feel about being torn between home and work.

Before we have children, we can imagine how smoothly everything will work. Many of us love our jobs and assume we will be happy to return after the birth and our children will thrive and grow in our chosen daycare and everyone will live happily after.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to understand the power of maternal love until we actually experience it and we become resentful if our financial situation dictates that we must work and relinquish the care of our children to others, however great that care may be.

I suggest you carefully review your life. Is it possible to reduce your hours at work? If your daycare costs were also reduced you may find you can afford to stay home more often. Less commuting = less gas, less parking, fewer lunch's out, less dry cleaning, etc. Really review your family budget and you may find you can afford to do with less.

I know after I first had my girls (21 months apart) I struggled for sometime trying to manage all the extra care into my life. I can't even tell you how many times I locked myself out of my car. Twice with my girls in it! Ultimately, though it may seen obvious, I never fit my girls into my life. My life changed! This change can be painful, but, my girls are the light of my life and I do not regret this life.

It will be important to have a schedule. Get a calendar, blackberry, whatever, and write down everything. Encourage your husband to write things down as well. This way on Sunday night you can review your week and plan accordingly. There's nothing worse than suddenly remembering something which throws off your entire day.

Also, delegate, please! We women are all guilty of this, we feel like we should be able to do it all. Even if you could, why would you want to? Husbands are usually willing to help, but they need specific instructions. Give him a list (a short list!) of things he can do which will lighten your load.

Decrease your expectations. Things are going to change. Children will have accidents, spills, get sick etc. Your life must be more flexible. You might have to tolerate wrinkles, unmade beds, mismatched socks, the garden may not get weeded (mulch helps alot, and pea stone) (although I MUST have the beds made!) Anyway, you know the things you are willing to compromise on.

As your mother stated, these difficult economic times make everyone more stressed; especially if you recently bought a home with a large mortgage. While it is important to gain perspective and count our blessings, it is also important to be proactive in our own lives so we don't end up feeling held hostage by them.

Back to your husband, you two fell in love for a reason and you need to nurture this relationship. Believe it or not, these children will grow up and have lives of their own. Will you and your husband still have a life of your own then? If you can, have a date at least once a month. Even if it simply to take a walk and get a cup of coffee without the kids. And if possible, at least once a year, go away for the weekend. This opportunity for intimacy is crucial.

While we get caught up in all the work of our new lives we don't realize what this new life is doing to our husbands, they frequently feel left out, but, either don't know how to express it, or they don't feel entitled to say it. This can lead to distance between you. Men need sexual intimacy to bond with women and making time is important.

Finally, hang in there and enjoy each moment, these days will pass quicker than you know. The trick to managing this phase in your life is learning how to appreciate it, not endure it!

God Bless,

J. L.

those moms who project inner-calm are on zanax!

you are great, your mom comes from the stiff upper lip generation and we are more of a -let it out and express ourselves- time.

Do the best you can while you are stresses-find a way to keep yourselves healthy and it will get better!

hang in there! and congrats on the wonderful kids!

get some tea or a pedicure once in a while- you deserve it!

nat

K.,

I'm not sure I can give any advice or words of encouragment. I just feel that I can relate to what your saying and maybe I can get some advice from some other readers too! Because I feel the same way.

My situation: Currently home with my 2yo daughter and I'm about 15 wks. pregnant, expecting in Mid-Aug. I work seasonally (laid off in the winter) so I'll be going back to work Mid-March. My finance works full-time. He is great with helping out, but it's never enough. You know how us women are the primary care givers? Well I'm tired of having to remind him to help out. Now that I'm home it's not too difficult to keep up with all the house work, etc.... But once I go back to work.... Who do you think keeps everything moving? I wish I could just go on strike and let him handle everything for about two weeks. I think he'd have a better appreciation for what I do around here. Although it wouldn't take long for him to quickly forgot and it would be back to the same old routine of reminding him. Of course the reminding him always sounds like constant nagging. It's a vicous cycle.

Then there's Cecelia, my 2yo. Don't get me wrong here she really is a great kid. I love her very much, but find myself sometimes in tears over everyday things. Sometimes it's the struggle to get her dressed in the morning, to have her stay still while changing her diaper, sometimes it's the "Need milk mama" - which "seems" like constantly, always trying to be the best MOM and do activities with her and include her in everything from cleaning to making lunch, dinner, etc...... I just can't do it. I think I'm trying to be super MOM and finding out that it's very hard and wondering why I can't handle it. I sometimes even find myself screaming at her. And I know that it's not fair. Am I loosing my mind or are there other MOMs out there that are going through or have gone through the same thing? Am I the only one who feels this way? Why can't I breeze through this? Why do I get so frustrated so easy? Am I a bad MOM? Should I have been a MOM? There's so many questions that enter my mind.

I'm thinking that once I get back to work and she heads back to daycare everything will be okay. I won't be with her constantly everyday, all day and this will give me a break. I don't get enough ME time. We go to the Library, to my sisters, to Grandma's, but "I" never get to go anywhere alone. I hardly ever get a break and it's long over due.

Sorry to unload all this on everyone, but I'm feeling better already. I think I'll call my cousin and set up a day for her to watch Cece so me and my mother-in-law can go to the casino together like we've been wanting to do since I've been laid-off.

Hi,
Please know that others know how you feel. You have 3 huge jobs: Mom, wife and work. Nevermind "THE HOUSE"!

I think some of us are more guilt ridden than others, and I know some folks seems to breeze through everything. But for you and what you have written, I think you might work on postive feedback, given by yourself. The easiest and most efficient change you can make is to change yourself, and then as the stress reduces, the relationship with your husband should improve. I'm suggesting that you privately start to give yourself verbal credit for each thing you do right, and even pep talk yourself before you begin. Start your day with "I'm so happy to be here with my great family". On the work say "I .served a healthy breakfast to the people I love the most in this world." Continue throughout your day, especially when monster guilt or doubt thoughts intrude. Take charge and answer them positively "OK, so I'm not perfect, but I am doing my best and actually that's pretty great!" I bet this may sound silly to some people, but for those of us who play feed-back tapes in our minds of negative or guilty thoughts, this method actually lifts our moods, makes us happier, and then makes everyone around us happier.

Two other notes. I did not mention asking your Mom for empathy. It's not working for you, so stop. Ask us. And number two. Things will get easier. But you will never appreciate that until you appreciate yourself first. And then, what a great model you will be for your precious children!

Dear K.,
This is the world of parenting that so many of us struggle with. So many moms feel the same way you do- it IS really hard to have two under the age of two- they need much more from you physicaly and mentally- are not independent yet so that you can make dinner or fold laundry without them hanging off you etc.. that time will come but it is just hard now.- Marriages do suffer during this time- it is easy to shut down and tune out from one another but try to make a time once a week to have a date or a late dinner where you can just talk and unwind. You need to remember there is no such thing as "super mom" or mom's who just Glide through this without stress or feeling stretched.

I know all this because I have a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old and felt just the way you do. A few months ago I joined a gym and make it a priority now to take some time for myself to either walk outside or exercise. I have worked harder to really talk to my husband about things other than our children and check in with him about his life/job as well. I talk to my other mommy friends to not feel so alone and work at a job that I love.

Don't be so h*** o* yourself! Mothering is the hardest job there is- you will get through it and it will all be worth it! Good Luck! LA

I really don't have much for advice because I'm in the same boat. I only have one little girl who is 20 months right now. I too work full time and have a 45 minute commute. I feel stressed all of the time and am overwhelmed with all that has to be done every day... packing lunches, bath time, etc. I find that my husband and I are at eachother a lot for no real reason. He is a very patient guy and is a great father. He picks my daughter up from daycare every day, does all of the cooking and dishes but I still can find reasons to get irritated with him. Sometimes I feel like I may be going crazy! I want to have another child soon but can't see how I will manage. I do take some comfort in knowing that a lot of other mothers that I talk with are going through the same thing. This sounds a little strange but recently my uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer. That has definitely made me realize that we only get one chance to live our lives and that I should be thankful for every day with my little girl and husband. I just keep trying to remind myself of that when I am feeling like I want to run away :) Take care and if you find out how to capture that inner calm please let me know. I could use a little of that myself.

I often feel this way, so you are not alone. And in talking to other moms I work with, we are not alone. Its not easy to juggle children, work, husband (they sometimes are just as bad as the kids:-)) and everything thing else that comes along, whether it be a family function, sick child, getting taxes done, going to school functions etc...
My husband and I tend to struggle with managing it all and trying not to get stressed out with each other. Doesnt always work, but now the kids are getting a little older (6 and 2)it is getting easier to deal with it.
Its important to decide for yourself whats the most important...no one is perfect and if your a mom, you know no one glides through it. I just think some people are better at not showing the stresses of daily life.
If I don't dust every week, then so be it, it'll get done some next week. The dust will keep coming back anyhow, and I wont be able to turn the time back on my children. Life goes by too fast.
Enjoy life and your children, do what you know you can do and the rest can be done later.

oh, honey, I feel so sorry that you don't have the support you deserve. I'm a single mom with no help from any family, but they at least give me kudos and often comment that they don't know how I do it by myself. But I only have one and I think your situation is just as hard - it's the working full time and mothering full time that's the killer. Both of my sisters had to leave their jobs in order to take care of their 2 children because it's just too hard to work 2 full time jobs (career & mom).

You should never ever feel bad about how you feel. In any aspect of life. I know people below gave suggestions on how to organize your time better, but I just want to let you know that any woman who can raise a family and hold down a job is a superwoman. So, don't be so h*** o* yourself.

Hi Kim. Of course you can feel this way! It's not easy, and there is NO mom who works full time with two young children, a husband, and a home and glides through it. Of course you are thankful, but lets face it...it IS hard! You are blessed to have good jobs and a lovely home and two beautiful and healthy kids, so be very thankful. It is ok to feel the stress build up once in a while and when that happens you need to take a breath and re-group. Your husband and you need to stick together. Take a moment to appreciate each other and never take for granted that you were brought together in the first place to build everything that you have. Try and get out one night to dinner, or even after the kids go to bed, light some candles and have a glass of wine together and just talk. Don't talk about any of the stresses going on around you. Talk about your day, or something funny that one of the kids did. Love each other for both your faults. It is going to be OK. I am a first time mom of a 4 month old, and last Monday my husband and I both got the stomach bug...BAD. MY MIL had to come sleep over to take care of the baby! It was so awful to not be able to care for my own child. After that whole ordeal, I told my husband we are going to let the baby sleep over my mother's one night (she's DYING to have her over anyway, I just like my baby to sleep home) and we are going OUT! Just take some time to relax. Hope this helps ;)

Hi K.,

I see that you have a lot of responses, so I will attempt to make this as brief as possible. First of all, you are not alone. I am a stay at home mom, and I still feel overwhelmed with everything. It is understandable to feel guilty--but, again, you are not alone. You need to decide if you are doing your best or not. Look at your schedule/organization/general plan for things--is it the best you can come up with? Yes? Can anything be tweaked? No? Then you are doing your best. A regular hard workout can do wonders for your stress levels. Even a brisk 15 minute walk/day can get you hooked and then you'll start to find time to do more.

Just by the fact that you are thinking of all of this shows that you are thankful and that you do care--never trick yourself into thinking otherwise. It is very easy to get stuck in that frame of mind.

Another thing is to make getting out alone with your husband a priority. I know that you want to spend as much time with your kids since you do work outside of the home 4 days/week, but that one on one time with your husband is oh so vital!!

BTW--whenever you see someone in a similar situation to your own, and it looks like they're handling it easily, first--they are just hiding it well. Secondly, if they truly are doing it that easily--then they have help somewhere in their lives that you don't have in yours--nanny, et al.

Good luck--chin up!

Dear K.,

with full-time work and two very young children you seem to have more responsibility than i would choose to take on. My children are 1 and 3 years, and i work only a few hours a week (as a scientist). Still i feel it's a lot to balance everything and the relationship with my husband has been tested like never before. We are, however, doing well, due to a few resources, listed below. It sounds like your husband and you just don't have the strength and time to get in touch and be vulnerable with each other. Here's our list of things that help us make time and regain our mutual vulnerability for each other;

(1) A book called "How Love Works -- How to stay in love as a couple and be true to yourself ... even with kids" by Steve and Shaaron Biddulph
(2) A few good girlfriends of mine, who live far away, but with whom i spent up to 1.5 h on the phone every two weeks or so, and in "emergency"
(3) Beautiful surroundings -- opportunities to get out into nature and walk, walk, walk, explore and play
(4) a series of six 1.5h-sessions with a couple counsellor, who brought us back in touch when we were falling appart a few months ago.
(5) my spirital community (buddhist sangha interbeing), via internet.

I wish we had also family nearby, a closer community of friends with children, and some babysitting options. But we are, again, new in the area (seem to move continents every few years...) and all this takes time to grow.

You say your children are not aware or affected by your marital stress. I think this is v e r y unlikely. Children will not be fooled. But that is ok, i think. We shouldn't insult their sensitivity and intelligence by treating them as if they have no clue -- of course we should also not overburden them. Anyway, when we are having a tense time, we will make it transparent to our children briefly, and tell them it's not their problem and that we will work it out soon. Which we then do. Small kids are a real motivator to be mature.... We fight in front of our children if we must, and we try to keep our fighting "fair". The book i mentioned gives really good guidelines for that. I believe that my children learn a healthy attitude toward conflict this way -- but time will tell...

If your mum found child-raising purely easy and pleasant, i would ask her about how she did it under which conditions and satisfy my curiosity and will to learn until she's blue in the face. This could be a tremenduous resource! What is her secret to serenity and ease?

Oh, you said it's hard for you to feel the way you feel and you think you shouldn't. Strange. Your feelings sound perfectly understandable and natural to me! And even if they didn't: surpressing feelings will make them grow unhealthy.

Good luck and be well,

D.

K.,

We moms are our own worst enemies, because we deride ourselves for so many things! My first bit of advice is "STOP!" I bet you're a wonderful mom, and the stress that you're feeling...that sense of being so overwhelmed...is one that we ALL feel at times (and sometimes for longer periods than we'd like). I know in my two short years of being a mom I've had moments where I was like, "You know, I think I'm really getting this mom thing!" to moments where I'd say to myself, "I don't know what the heck I'm doing!" You're completely normal in that.

You should sit down with your husband to figure out how you two can both "breathe" again and enjoy each other and your family, and eliminate some of that stress you're both feeling, because trying to figure out who's stressing who out more will get you nowhere (I know, I played that game once) :o) Getting back to making THAT relationship feel more like you two are a team will probably eliminate most of the stress. And also, have you thought of delegating something to an outside source? Perhaps getting someone in once or twice a month to clean the house so you can stop worrying about that? You can't do everything, and you shouldn't even have to try. Let something go.

Most importantly, stop giving yourself a hard time for feeling this way...busy moms all do. But figure out how your schedule is going to work, and what you have to do to MAKE it work for you and your family. That's the key to "gliding" through this journey called motherhood. That and a good Mai Tai at the end of the week. :o)

I feel the same way! The moms that "glide through the day with an inner calm" just LOOK LIKE THEY'RE CALM!!! Every mom has stress and worry and strife with their hubbies, parents, etc. What I've learned throughout my adult years is that everyone has their problems and some people have problems that are plainly out in the open and others seem to have perfect little lives but their private lives are unpleasant. I usually feel overwhelmed and feel that I'm not a very good mom, but I've been told that I look like I am put together and that I know what I'm doing (even though I don't think that I'll ever feel like a real adult, let alone a good mom!). You're doing great! You are acknowledging your frustrations and now you can try to work on them through talking to a therapist, friends, or writing them in a journal. Getting those feelings aired is important! Also, maybe you can go out with your hubby for a date (I know, time with just your hubby is hard to come by) and you can re-affirm that you are a team, a united front, and that you two can tackle this stress together! Brainstorm some ideas about how the two of you can work together to alleviate each other's stress. You can do it, and you are not alone!!!!!!!

Hi K. - Hey! Sounds like motherhood to me... :-) Let me start by saying that NO ONE is as together as they appear... It's hard for all of us, for sure.

Simply - don't compare yourself to others. That's one sure way to guarantee that you'll never measure up!

But otherwise, I sit on the board of a training company that has a seminar coming up that might be just what the Dr. ordered. It's about looking at our lives - our vision, our direction, our legacy - and becoming deliberate and purposeful in who we choose to be in the world. For me, it changed the person that I am, the mother, the wife and the professional...

My family is light years better off than they would have been had I not participated!

There's LOTS to it, and I'll be happy to tell you more if you'll email me privately - ____@____.com's inexpensive, and it will be March 13 -15 in Andover Mass. Please - contact me so I can tell you more! Might be just what you are looking for!

Oh K. - you just described my life and how I feel to a tee!!!! I also have two children ( 4 months and 2 and 1/2). I work full time - commuting an hour and a half each way. My kids go to day care 3 days and my Mom and Aunt watch them the other two. My Mom says the same things to me like...." Why are you so stressed out? This is normal life stuff - everyone has to do it". I feel there is never enough time - and forget my husband and I having any time together. I guess the only words of wisdom I have is what I tryo to tell myself. First, everyone is different and therefore handles things differently. Someone once said to my husband "If you do it right, parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do". So there you go. You sound like you may be like me - in that you want to be able to do everything perfect. Those women that "glide through everything with an inner calm" may be more easy going, or they can let things go - or have accepted the fact that you can't always do everything ie, have a clean house, sex with your husband, activities with the kids, excel at work, etc - or they are alot better at hiding how they feel.Don't beat yourself up - you said it yourself - your kids are happy and healthy - so you must be doing a great job!!!!! The other thing I try to remember is that this is not forever. There will come a day - very quickly - that your house won't be a mess - and your kids will be grown, and you know what? You will wish there was a mound of laundry, chocolate on the door, and juice all over your rug!!!! :)

Hi K. - I could have written this myself, and you summed it all up so well. I work full-time too, teaching, five days a week where I HAVE to be run by the clock every second of the day. When I get home, it's like my job sometimes because it's another schedule - dinner, baths, bed, lunches for the next day, all hopefully done by 8 so I can collapse on the couch and hope to stay awake for a TV show until 9. I hear you!! I am sad to say I don't think you will get a ton of responses on this site on this particular subject. I often feel like I'm one of the only working moms here.

Regardless, I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself to make it all seem, and be, easy and effortless. Yes, kids under 2 is grueling, but as my 3.5 year old gets older, I notice she needs even more attention sometimes than my 20 month old, but in a MUCH different way. I really think it is the job of parenting, and we want to do it well, so we put a lot into it and we are sometimes drained from the demands of trying to "do it all". My first piece of advice would be to let that go. You can never do it all. There is so much pressure out there to seem like you can, and it's ridiculous. You ARE thankful for your family, job, home, etc., but feeling like you are missing something is getting in the way of you truly feeling happy with it all. I have been there, and I am there almost daily, so I have no answer for you, but I can tell you to just try every day to look at one thing that stresses you out, like a messy room in the house or a chore to be done, and tell yourself that it WILL get done, that you are doing the best you can, and let it go. I have tried recently to use a little more humor with my kids and my husband, which in turn makes me feel better.

I know what you mean about the stress you sometimes feel between you and your husband. Having kids definitely challenges the relationship! Communication is so key - tell him how you feel, and that you don't want to feel anger towards him, but that you are just exhausted from the demands of everything that it happens sometimes. I bet her understands better than you realize. Men and women have such different outlooks and approaches on parenting, it's amazing to me sometimes that we all make it work! My last piece of advice would be to save something to do just for YOU, whether it's a long-term goal or a daily thing, like working out, doing your nails, reading, whatever. I know it's hard to fit it all in some days, and you won't always be able to, but the more days you do, the better. Trust me... my exercise is my sanity saver and my husband has always gotten this about me, thank goodness. I hope this helps even just a little... it's such a mindset, this working mom stuff, and it doesn't ever get totally removed. You just have to deal with it daily and not allow it to become larger than you. Good luck! I understand where you are coming from!

Hi Kim:

I can totally relate with your situation and I commend you for all your hard work. My son is now 26 months old and I only work 2 days/week...although they are full days. It is stressfull just to have one child and work. I can't imagine having two at such a young age. It's tough to find the right balance between family, household chores, friends, work and your relationship with your spouse.

My only recommendations are to take some time for yourself. Go out with friends, get a massage or go for a walk without the carriage. This is the only way I can relieve some of my stress. Good luck!

Hi Kim

I feel the same way too at times. Do not beat yourself up about it. Try to find some ways to take some time for yourself and time for you and your husband. Taking care of yourself will help you take care of your family. I can understand how difficult it is to find time with everything going on but it has really made a difference for me. I have two girls ages 2 and 6 years old, I run a home daycare and my husband works very long hours so I am often doing everything myself. I have started to get monthly massages and running. Both have made dramatic improvements in my overall health and really don't take that much time. Best of luck.

J.

Wow. You just described a lot of the ways I feel all the time. I have a 26 month old an a 10 month old and like yours, they are just perfect and a joy. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works all the time. He is often away for weeks of even months on business. I have no family or friends in the area and can't really afford childcare. I almost never get any break and I get so stressed out I feel like I'll snap! I love my kids sooo much and being a stay at home mom is a dream come true. I feel very guilty about being stressed and overwhelmed which makes me seem ungrateful. I think a lot of moms today have these feelings. No matter what you can't seem to do enough. If you work there is guilt if you stay home there is guilt. You can't win! I don't have much advice. I will confess that I'm on an antidepressant and that has helped quite a bit but I don't like having to take something. I don't have any advice but I wanted to let you know that there are other moms who are going thru the same things you are. Maybe when the kiddies get a little older it will get easier. Best of luck! Remember, you are a great mom and your babies love you!!

Hi Kim,
Hang in ther, and try not to compare. Remember the duck. It looks to be floating effortlessly acoss a smooth pond. If you look underneath however, you will see it is madly paddling. Often, we look at others and think they have it so easy, or they are handling this better than I am. This causes additional stress, thinking you could be doing it better. Chances are, you just don't see what is going on "underneath the water." Yes, it is hard, and yes, they are stressed. Perhaps medicated and motivated, who knows. But no one can be Bree Vandecamp, she is a made up person. I had two under 17 months, the first two years are the hardest, but that age spread does make it easier after the diapers and sleeping through the night. Hang in there, and remember, it isn't easy for anyone. We went to a therapist for a brief period, it helped us realize that we needed to connect better, and communicate priorities together and come up with our plan together.
It gets easier, hang in there. Good luck,
D. S.

So clearly you're not alone : )

I haven't read all the responses, so maybe I'm repeating something, but here are some other ideas.

I know a few people suggested taking time off from work and staying home for a while. I know that would NOT be a good option for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids very much, but I also love my job and I feel like a healthier person and a better mom when I'm also working. So don't feel guilty if you don't want to stay home. For me, being a SAHM would not be a blessing. Everyone makes different choices. What does help is when my husband can do more of the daycare drop-offs/pick-ups. Then it feels more equitable (after all, we're both working) and it shortens my commute, which is a good thing.

It has been unbelievably incredibly helpful for me to start making the next days dinner right after the kids go to bed. Then when I get home from daycare I can just pop something in the oven, turn off the slow cooker, stick some veggies in the microwave, etc. Sure I don't feel like cooking a meal at 8pm, but it beats the heck out of trying to chop stuff while the kids are in their 4-5.30pm meltdown hour.

I know that a lot of people have suggested "couples time" for you and your husband, and I think that's great. What has been even better for me is to make a monthly date with a bunch of friends. We all go out to dinner without our husbands and kids. Its nice because I get to feel like just me again. Sure we talk about our kids and vent about our spouses, but I always feel glad to see my husband when I get home. Even a little absence makes the heart grow fonder, I've found. He's also started doing the same thing with his friends. Oh yeah, and pardon my being a little intrusive, but don't forget to have sex. Make a date and stick to it, even if you don't really want to. It's surprising to me how a little intimacy can make us more pleasant with one another. I used to think it was the other way around, but now I'm not so sure.

Finally, remember that it is perfectly fine to feel massively stressed out even though "big picture" everything is great. Relativism doesn't help anything. Sure, stubbing your toe isn't as bad as breaking your leg, but it still hurts. Conjuntivitis and the stomach bug aren't serious ailments, and it's great that you can recognize that. However, it doesn't have to be something awful for it to disrupt your life, and it's annoying when your life is disrupted. So just own that, accept that it's okay, and try to drop the guilt. It's not helping anyone.

Good luck!

Gee that sounds like me some days! I truly believe that the people who seem to have that calm are faking it! Anyways, I know where you are coming from. I have started doing a couple things that have helped me alot. I try to get out of the house for a walk when things get to be too much.Either by myself or with hubby or even with the kids. Fresh air does help! I also do yoga for about 20 minutes each day, either in the morning or after the kids are asleep. It is unbelievable how much that helps me relax after a long day. There are tons of ways to deal with stress and sometimes it takes a while to find what works for you! Good Luck!

K.,

I don't know another mom who does NOT feel this way at least some of the time. As a personal fitness coach, I highly recommend fitting in some "you time" in your day. I know it seems impossible, but even 15-20 minutes for a yoga session or a solo walk can do so much for your peace of mind. I had post-partum anxiety and working out saved me!

All the best! You are doing great! There is no perfect mom or perfect family.

All the best!
- J.

You've gotten so many responses that by now you know MANY people feel the same way. I've only got one 18 month old and experience many f the same things you describe. I keep telling myself I will figure it out soon but so far a bit elusive. My husband & I do go out to dinner about once a month (weekly is just plain unrealistic) and that is nice. We don't make enough intimate time though, and I keep saying I will try to be better about that but where will I find the time? I do go for a run 3x week - just 30 minutes but it does help, although I take my dog so it's nt truly alone time : ) . That's my other "burden" taking care of our 5 year old black lab who is like our first child. ANyway, I have all sorts of plans to make more time for my husband, clean the house, workout more, lose the weight I've gained etc but I never get there. So, I don't have advice for you so much as another voice in a similar situation.

Take care, and best to you.

jacki

Hi K., my advice to you is something I am trying to put into practice for myself right now... and that is getting balance back.
You remind me of myself, there is an endless list of things to be done in a home and with children,( I have a 3, 2 and 1 yr old. I stay home with them, luckily). But this job is 24/7, has tons of responsibility, is not recognized for what is involved. (you have this AND a full time job!) I recently was forced to look at how I am doing my job and I realize I am trying to be Super Mom, which is unrealistic...
but briefly, I agree "me" time and relationship time are important, but you can't take these on as new things to give energy to unless you give away the responsibility of something else to someone else. Maybe hire a house cleaner once a week to take some housework on, maybe hire a childminder to be there on your day at home to be with the kids for a few hours, even so you can take some time to yourself at home....your happiness and peace of mind are vital and should be a priority... (I need to remind myself of this), you still have most of the reponsibility as Mom, I believe, but taking time for yourself allows you to recharge and regroup...
I am trying to develop taking special care of me.... I think my kids will be happier people if they know their mum (and dad) were happy while bringing them up, not constantly stressed and racing to get everything done....
you are not alone, well done in asking for advice.....
Peace to you

I have no words of wisdom, other than to tell you that you are definitely not alone. I feel that way every day - the guilt I think is a "mom thing" because we are supposed to be able to handle it all. My guilt got the point of panic attacks and I am now on a low dose anxiety medication which has made a world of difference. Best of luck and know you are absolutely NOT alone! Email me anytime ____@____.com

Hey Kim, I don't think I have any advice for you except to tell you that you are not alone!! I myself have a 2 year old and a 3 year old. It took me 2 years of fertility to get out baby girl, then low and behold, when she was 8 months old, I got pregnant with her little brother, they are 17 months apart and everyone told me it would be great because they would entertain eachother and be the best of friends... still waiting for that!! My oldest loves her brother, but cant stand him at the same time and i feel like all i do is referee arguments!! I am dying for the day they just get along!!! I too work full time, teach, commute 50 minutes each way, and i thankfully pay my mom ( who comes to my house daily) to watch my kids. But I hear ya when you say your just so stressed with work/kids/husband/house etc... OHHH I hear you loud and clear!! You are singing to the choir honey!! All I do (besides fall apart often) is tell myself that they are growing so fast and I don't want to wish their "littleness" away -- so try to pick my battles with them, -- and often, let them fight it out-- heck as long as theres no blood right?? best of luck to you Kim, you (and I) will be just fine.... I promise! L. C.

Something has to give, my friend.... Yes, small children are tough, but older children will have their demands, too... school, activities, friends. You have given up 100% of your freedom to raise this family.... Sometimes it takes a bit of time to realize that things will never be the same again for you or your husband. If I were you, I would figure out (between the two of you) where the wiggle room is.... Can someone cut back at work and commute less? Can someone be home earlier with flex hours and start dinner twice a week? Can you get a night out together? Is there a way to make you feel less financially pressured? Only you can make the pieces work here, but sometimes it's about letting go of the things that don't work anymore in order to preserve the things that really matter to us. At least that's what I found out! Take a good, long walk and talk with yourself. Good luck. You are not alone!

I think it is impressive that you are expressing so much gratitude-yet are also acknowledging that life/motherhood can be overwhelming. I think most people/moms feel the way you do yet pretend everything is OK on the outside when they are hurting on the inside. I work as a nurse and you would be surprised how many people turn to drugs/alcohol/anti-depressants to cope. You are doing the right thing by asking for help and acknowledging life is hard. My mom never worked so she doesn't get that being a wife/mother/friend/career woman is tough. Good luck!

As you can see, you are not alone. You should never be guilty for for the feelings you have. Every person is different. You need to identify what stresses you the most and what makes you feel good. Personally, I like my work, eventhough it is stressful, it gives me a tremendous amount of satisfaction. So, while some people might suggest time-off, that would not work for me. I used to have a long commute and I did books on tape. It was a suprising turn-around for me. My commute went from a pain to some enjoyable me time. It preoccupied my mind with something other than worries. A few months ago, I talked with my husband about my feelings of stress. It was really good at helping me identify what was bothering me the most. Some things couldn't be fixed, but there were some good things that came out of it. Dinner was stressful for me, so now he helps me plan the meals a week before. Also, my son and I go to a language school on Saturday mornings. My husband gets time alone, I get to meet other people, and my son goes to his own fun class. These things have helped me feel less stressed, I hope you are able to find something that works for you. Good luck.

Hi Kim,
Please please don't worry, you are NOT alone in this. The Mom's that look like it is a breeze are just as stressed as you, they just hide it better. It is true, you are in the thick of it with your young children. You have no time for yourself...which you deserve and no time for you and your husband to spend alone together...which you deserve. So..you can start taking a little bit of time for yourself and for the two of you each week to "check" out or you may want to see your Dr. about an SSRI. It won't be a forever thing, but it might help take the worry and stress out of your emotions..and not have to feel that you aren't doing enough. But no matter what you decide please remember you JUST had a BABY nine months ago! That is nothing at all. And please don't feel guilty b/c you don't walk around saying thank you for all your gifts. You have a very tough schedule and yes while other people do it, don't compare yourself, it isn't fair to you or to your kids. Each and everyone of us is different and the one thing I think we all have in common is we do the best we can. Don't let your Mother make you feel guilty either.

You are a great mom, the fact that you reached out and wrote your post says that.

Good luck!

It sounds to me like you have just taken on too much stuff! You might want to sit down and figure out what your priorities are. Do you have to work? It might be easier on you and your marriage to take some years off to just focus on the kids. My oldest 2 are 14 months apart and although it is not easy being home 24/7, it was the best decision I ever made. My husband and I have never been more connected and I don't have any sense of guilt with leaving my kids (now 3) with someone else all day.

I also think date nights are very important in a marriage. My husband and I try and make that a priority as well. If you are connected, and your foundation stays strong you should be able to get through anything!!

Stay positive and I wish you much luck and strenght!!

H. (SAHM 5, 4 and 19 month old boys)

yes, you could be me talking! and I just have 1! I can't explain it, it's just totally crazy, and I guess totally normal, though I have a hard time believing that, even though everyone says so! and I can't explain why our mothers made it look so easy. so I guess I'll just figure there's some mystery there and stop wondering, since it doesn't do me any good. all the mothers I know now feel the same way. so maybe that's just the way it is. and the best we can do for ourselves is know we're normal, this is normal, there's nothing wrong with us, there's no secret, just to do our best, get some rest and me-time, and couple-time, when we can, and accept it. it's just the way it is and normal and it will pass. it's ok. we're ok. we can live with it and through it and enjoy and appreciate what we can. cope with the stress as best as we can, knowing it's normal and it will end! good luck. we're all in the same boat and in it together!
love,
em

Hi K.
First of all-take a breath girl!! You have a totally full plate. Give yourself a break and stop comparing yourself to what you SHOULD be. I know that's easier said than done-but really take a step back and try to enjoy your kids and family. So many people stress over what's not important. Your house will be dirtier than before kids. And you may not be the perfect person you think you should be. But take a look at ALL YOU DO.
Also-and I know to sit and watch a movie is not always easy-but My husband and I were just introduced to a movie called Fireproof. Rent it (we paid a dollar at Red box in Stop and Shop) And then buy the book Love Dare. Very powerful for couples. And so easy to see what's going on. Watch it and let me know what you think. I'm sharing this info with all my friends. Hope it is as valuable for your family as I think it will be for ours.
J. H

you are not alone. i feel overwhelmed and stressed with just one 15 month old and the person i often take my stress out on unfairly is my husband because he is there. try not to berate yourself for feeling that way. you are thankful for what you have and you have just said so. feeling this way does not mean you are taking that for granted. it probably means that it is time to change something. you just need to figure out what needs to change in order to achieve more balance. perhaps it is a job with a shorter commute. or more time carved out for you and your husband. change is daunting but if you make changes that are for the best for your family, it sets other things into motion as well and things will get better.

K.,

As you can see from the responses you are not alone. As you pointed out there is the stress and then there is the guilt from the stress which of course adds to more stress. I don't have the magic answer because I am in the same boat. In my clearer moments this is what I try to remember.

1. There is no such thing as being a perfect parent who is immune to worry, fatigue, getting annoyed and just not living up to the expectations you set. Your inner calm disappeared the moment you welcomed your first child into your life. Parenting is messy and sometimes you are rewarded with a yogurt smeared hand trying to hug you rather then a picture perfect mothers' day brunch.

2. Take time for yourself. I know it seems absolutley impossible but even if you just leave for an hour to get a manicure do it. Also, make sure your husband gets an equal amount of time for himself. That might help some of the stress.

3. Remember this is just a phase. Your children won't be a baby and a toddler forever. So, your meals aren't made from scratch right now (mine will never be) and after bathtime the bathroom looks like there was a flood. Things will change perhaps bringing different challenges but they will change.

Finally, I hear what you are saying about your Mom. It would be great if your Mom got it but she doesn't. Don't let that effect you. A lot of time has gone by between when she was doing what you are you are doing and today. Time makes you remember things differently. Just look at all these responses and know that a lot of people aren't handling it easy. We are all just making it through the day hoping our kids know we love them and hoping we don't loose it on our husbands for the smallest things.

Hang in there!

Hi K., you are not alone. I have 2 children 18 months apart it was very stressful when they were both in diapers. (now 3 and 4)i stay home with them and i felt completely overwhelmed with all that had to be done with the house, meals, dr. appts, etc. To add a full time job into the mix i cant imagine. I hired a mothershelper/babysitter so that i could have some "me" time to recharge. I also hired a housecleaner every other week to help out. It saved me and my marriage. We also were at eachothers throats for no reason. I was not my happy go lucky self, i was miserable all the time, nothing made me happy other than my boys and took it out on my husband. We also take the time for "ourselves" we will either hire a babysitter or ask our parents to watch the boys so we can have a nice meal together. We also take the time at night after the boys are in bed and spend at least an hour or more to just talk. It makes a world of difference. You are not alone and try not to look around at other moms and compare yourself...most likely they too are in the same boat...its not a breeze. :)they are just great actresses.

Hi K.,
You are defintely not the only one that feels this way! I know that I often feel stressed out and unable to manage things as well as I would like to, and I only have one kid right now. I also work a full time job and have to take care of the house, husband, etc. Its been a really difficult transition. I have found though that a LOT of women out there feel the way that you do. The more I talkk to mom's the more I feel validated in the fact that I am feeling stressed and it is normal. I think I had this vision of myself being able to handle things seemlessly, but that was only an illusion. The fact of the matter is that we mom's have to operate on a totally different level mentally. My husband doesnt get that when I am cooking dinner I am thinking about a million other things that I have to do at the same time.

I have really tried hard to carve out some time for myself each day, even if that means that the dishes sit for a night (which usually drives me nuts!) It has really helped to balance things out a bit, because what I realized was that I was feeling stressed because I could not get my mind to settle down. One of the things that seems silly but has helped me,(I also commute about 45 minutes each way to work) that one of my co-workers suggested that I get some books on tape and listen to them on my way in, it has really helped to be able to calm my mind and focus on something that I am interested in during the car ride.

But I really think that doing anything that I enjoy even for a short amount of time helps to make me feel more normal, like an actual human being. My brain can only take so much elmo!
Hope this helps. I know what you are going through.
-K.

Oh my goodness, please don't listen to your mother! You are trying to do it all and of course you are stressed! Here is validation for you managing to actually do it all- good job! That said, cut yourself a break and ask yourself a few questions: what is the major source of stress- grocery shopping? cleaning? laundry? making the lunches/snacks for daycare? Take a breath and look at who does the day to day stuff- do you have animals? Who takes care of them? Who creates the grocery list? who stays home when the kids are sick? who takes out the garbage? Who pays the bills, takes care of car maintenence? Step back and take a look at how the responsibilities are divided. Perhaps a little renegotiation is in order, or perhaps getting a grocery delivery sservice or hiring a sitter more regularly- you get the idea. It is perfectly normal to melt down when there are added difficulties of sickness when under normal conditions you are just getting through the days. When everyone is healthy (you will be, hang in there) and things are back to "normal" then sit down with your husband over some wine or coffee and talk about the duties and what needs to change. You do not need to "manage it better", clearly you need a lighter load- whatever that means for you! the kids get older, their needs change and you will change with them. Hang in there and don't feel guilty- even when everything is great and you are blessed, you are still allowed to feel overwhelmed with the magnitude of everything that having a family and a job requires. God Bless!

get a sitter and go on a date with your husband. work it into your busy life schedule for once a week or once a month, whatever works for you. plan it ahead, have him help or surprise him. But go out just the two of you and enjoy each other. Maybe one person can plan it one week and the other person can plan the next date. Equal billing and shared work. Enjoy each other. Your life will be busy for the next 20 years. You need to plan things or they just never seem to happen. As your kids get older, incorporate into your "life schedule" a family night. Keep to the schedule. You will find this great fun and it will relieve some of the day to day stress. Most importantly, don't sweat the small stuff. housework and chores will always be there. Things can always wait for another day. They are not going anywhere, are they. GO HAVE SOME FUN! AND DON'T FORGET TO LAUGH. THIS HELPS US COPE!

Hi K.,

I just joined this site so I apologize for the late response. Just this morning I had a mini melt down over all the things you mentioned. I work full-time and have been stressing out over all the same things you wrote. I was wondering if you got any good responses on how to deal.

Part 2 - ok I'm a ding dong. I just saw all the amazing and wonderful responses you got : )

Thanks!
R.

K.,

You have two kids under 2. You would have to be superwoman not to be stressed regardless of how much of a blessing those wonderful kids are. :) You work full time, you have 2 kids and you have been dealing with illness and stress with your husband and a not very supportive Mom when you really need someone to be. It sounds to me like your emotional gastank is way below empty. It sounds like you are giving to everyone but not getting what you need to recharge.
Unfortunately that sometimes/ often happens when you are dealing with very small children.
Would it be possible for your Mom to take the kids for an afternoon during the weekend so you and your husband can spend sometime reconnecting?
I know my husband is wonderful but we have 5 kids, 2 ex spouses, work and money issues and sometimes that can get overwhelming to both of us. We will try to take an hour or so to just talk even if it is at night. Now I know you probably don't have the energy to do that during the week but it might help start to pull you back together if you could do that.

Also if you can limit the amount of running around you do that might help. When I was working full time I used PeaPod for my groceries. It wasn't that much more and the convienence of having everything I needed delivered when I wanted it was wonderful. I also would schedule a couple hours to run errands during the week. If I missed something it would have to wait until the next time.
Also and I think this is very very important - take a few minutes everyday for you. If you have an hour for lunch go take a walk if possible. That little break can change the whole outlook for the day and reenergize you.

Please know you are not alone and it will get better. It doesn't help right now but in a year or two your kids will be more independent and life will be a bit easier.

You sounds like a great Mom and your kids are lucky to have you. :)

As a working mom myself, I think working and having children is like having 2 full time jobs (one of which is a 24 hour per day job)and is very difficult, much more so than staying home with two kids...I am guessing your mom did not work and have 2 under 2. It sounds like you are doing a great job and are very normal in feeling stress. Someone told me to make time for yourself at least once a week (even if it is something as simple as a walk, bubble bath or manicure) where no one can bother you. Hang in there!

You do have your hands full so it is stressful no doubt about it. Everyone has doubts about the way they are living their life, it isn't easy for anyone to feel that they are doing the right thing all the time. Just as long as you're happy and your children are happy and properly taken care of, I think you are doing the right thing. Believe in yourself and trust that you will know if something has to be changed. Sounds like you are doing a great job.
Take care.

it's very easy to quickly become overwhelmed with all there is to do raising children. add on top of that working outside the home, all the work to be done inside the home,etc. it is exhausting, stressfull.
my best advice, and this may sound selfish but it is very important, is to find time for yourself, and also 'couple' time for you and your husband. try to have a date night each week. time for just the two of you to enjoy each other. then also find a bit of time each and every day for you and only you. i, myself, get up before everyone else and enjoy a hot cup of coffee out on the porch, breathing in deeply, counting my blessings, listening to the birds, watching the trees blowin the wind, sometimes even, in winter months, catching the sunrise.

good luck!

Hi K. -

As a mother of "Irish Twins" (kids born less than a year apart), I can feel your pain. What you are feeling is very common and normal. Everything...even how you may use your husband as a punching bag.

My helpful advise is similar to a few others. To try to help reconnect w/ your husband. A definate Date Night is in order. Get a baby sitter and just go out w/ OUT the kids. My husband and I were barely scraping by, and my wonderful brother actually gave us babysitting money for a monthly date when my kids were very little. And believe me...it helped.

With time... does your husband help get the kids ready in the morning? if it is all on you, you are going to start to resent your husband from getting that "free time" even if he is at work or commuting... (take it from me!!), Try to share in with the morning routine. Is your husband home for dinner?? (another thing that mine was not..boy, did I hate his old job!!) Can you share in the responsibilites of cooking dinner?

I know that dinner time for my family is always a mess, because I dont plan well. When I do plan out the meals the Sunday before, the nights go by so much smoother! Crock pot meals are great and easy.

Also, do you share in the responsiblities of putting the kids in bed, bath etc? who does all this. make sure that you both do it, or if you do the bath, he does the dishes.

My husband USED to be old school. I do the inside work, he does the outside work. Well, that quickly changed when we had a few very UNSnowy winters and I was inside trying to clean the house, the kids, cook, etc... and that was all while working full time.

He is a man of the 90's now (he hasnt quite made it to the new millenium!!) and it is helping with my stress level so much more.

The most important piece of advice I can give you is try not to be SuperMom. Just be "Mommy" for those lovely little kids. Also, just talk to your husband and express how you are feeling (and dont feel like you are alone, because it happens to us all!) But take time for yourself as well.

Just remember that there are a lot of us working mom's out there who can TOTALLY relate to how you are feeling and let me tell you, it does get a bit easier as they do get older. You still get more things such as play dates, dance classes etc, but it is different.

Good luck,
L.

Dear K, Your thoughts resonate with how I feel sometimes too...I too work Full time and have 2 children. One in daycare that I think of often throughout the day. TGIF is all I can say todayl I too feel incredibly blessed to have a secure job, a loving husband, 2 healthy & happy kids, a home, and money to pay the bills. So I realize that we get tired. I get great relief and feel good hormones from working out at our local Y during my lunchtime. Do you have any "ME Time, friends to vent to. Reading Mama srource helps me to realize that there are so many wonderful women out there loving their families and trying to find that balance of taking care of themselves so we can find the joy in our lives. To conclude, words of wisdom, follow your heart. Tell your husband you love him and find ways to connect and share the load. Enjoy the weekends and remember your Mom is from another generation, I remember my Mom telling me there was no such thing as PMS when she was my age!!!!! Have some fun, simplify, read a good book, live, laugh, love. Thanks for echoing my feelings today, N. E.

First of all, every mother feels this way at some point!!! Those moms who "effortlessly glide" are working very hard to make it seem that way, sometimes it is easier to act like it is easy because then maybe they'll really feel it. People cope in all sorts of ways, children are hard, jobs are hard, husbands and relationships are hard, and you have it all to stress about. It doesn't mean your not thankful for your life, it just means that your trying to do the best you can at each thing and sometimes it is not going to work out perfectly. Give yourself a break...it will get better and easier and one day you'll actually miss this part of your life!!

Yes everyone feels this way sometimes! It is important to give yourself a break- it is very difficult to be a working mom and life is stressful- don't forget to give yourself some "mommy time"- some time for just yourself. It will help you get energized. Please don't beat yourself up for feeling this way; you can be grateful for what you have but that doesn't mean you can't get overwhelmed every once and awhile.

You Think Everyone has it easier because you are not in their homes watching them implode everyday too! You Need To give yourself a break with the guild an worry, you are doing a good job, the kids are happy they are thriving and growing and you are working your best to give them a happy family.

You need t take a little time like have your hubby take one and you take the other and go tot separate mini dates with the kids so he gets more one on one time and you do too. Also ask if your mom can babysit so you two can have a date night and spend time away from the kids for yourself.

Try not to tell your mom about your stress as she doe snot remember how hard it is and her lack of being able to listen without making you feel worse is not helping. Do you have other mom friends who do understand? maybe find a group online of moms who work to just share how you feel with people who are in the same boat.

We all have guilt about many. many things..worry and feeling like we are not doing enough, really try and let it go and realize that you are OK and doing a good job..look for ways you think things would be better or easier..and just because you are blessed and happy does not mean you are not allowed to have guilt, worry or some small bit of drepression as you are doing alot and Do have stress!someoen else with what you may feel are Real problems does not make yours smaller or go away. You are a mom you are not perfect
Hang in there

hi K., your story sounds very familiar there are alternatives i have a home based arbonne business i'm listed on mamasource this may be a good fit for you if not you may know someone check out my website and listen to the sizzle presentation i'll send you a free gift.... this may be what you are looking for K. d mother of 4