Mommy of 2 Breakdown!!!

I have 2 boys and boy have I been there! It's unbelievably challenging at times, they can really wear you down. I recently took a parenting class and the teacher impressed upon us that as mothers we set the tone of the house. She preached that to have a joyful household we must be joyful - even when we don't feel like it! Believe me, it's not easy, especially when they get out of control but I've made the effort and have seen positive changes. I still lose control but I'm trying. The other thing that has helped is making an effort to live in the moment because they are little for such a short time, it goes by so fast and I know I will miss these years one day. A friend of mine lost both of her kids last year and when I get pushed to my limit I try to remind myself that she would give anything to have her kids alive and driving her crazy.

It's normal for some families. Too many expectations maybe, with everyone expecting different things, and little communication.
I found that my kids didn't do the same things other kids did...for example, I used to watch the other kids holding hands with their parents, walking to/from school---well mine couldn't be still, and they wanted to RUN FREE...I gave up comparing them to others, and gave up having expectations. I realized as long as they are safe and happy and healthy (and not bothering anyone else), whatever happens is perfectly fine. their Dad was wild when he was young too, so it's just a genetic thing, I guess.

I agree with one response who talked about having more "chill time" and less planning. I think that might help. Some kids, like mine, just don't follow plans well, but they can be very creative about making up their own fun games. =)

You are not alone! here are a few thoughts on the stress:
1. The kids will pick up on your anxiety/displeasure/frustration. TRY to be calm.

2. The worst experiences with kids are usually the result of the best laid plans. My best times with my son are the impromptu things like "let's pull over and hike up that hill" or "wanna check out the statues at the stadium?" (as we are driving by it) The days with plans and structure usually crash and burn.

3. Don't over schedule stuff. I really feel that kids have WAY too much going on in their lives. Kids need to play at home and chill. A lot.

4. Once in a great great while, all of the planets, moons and stars align for a great day. When that happens...go with the flow and enjoy it!

Hi E.-

I suggest the parents I coach who feel out of control and thier children's behavior is becoming poor, to create household rules and consequences.

Here is how:

First you & your husband make the first set of rules which will not be negotiable, these first few will be based on safety & respect. The accordinating consequences should be related to the infraction.

Next, as a family create rules which are negotiable along with the consequences. These rules will be created by everyone. Kids obey the rules better when they have a say in them.

Next write down the rules and the consequences. By doing this, you are your family agree to follow the rules & consequences. Then when an infraction occurs, your consequences are right there, and you do not need to figure out a consequence for that infraction on the fly.

Be consistent with what ever you do. Kids test limits, and when they see an "opening" in the rules, they'll use it.

I hope this helps. Many of my families say it makes a big difference.

R. Magby

PS- My favorite consequence, if a child misbehaves against another person, (hits his brother), that child must do a chore the other child chooses!

R.

Well just this past weekend, me and Hubby had a fight over it.
BECAUSE, he says I do nothing, and he was bitching about every little thing PLUS what I don't do "for" him. Um, yah, right. I do everything and the romp in the hay. He just was in a bitchy stressed mood... work and all. Even though I am a SAHM, I "work" too... 24/7, 7 days a week and get NO holidays or weekends off.
And he gives me no compliments. No appreciation. Oh but he can nit-pick. He's like a woman on PMS sometimes.

Anyway, so I went on STRIKE this weekend, and still sort of am. I did NO grocery shopping, NO cleaning, NO errands (except for myself and my kids), and NO cooking or slaving over a stove. I told my kids, Mommy is resting and if they need something, Daddy is right there.
I just watched all the shows I never have before and read and napped. ALL weekend! Sure, I cooked for/fed my kids... but then, for everything else, I told Hubby just make whatever is around on a shelf or in the freezer. I am not cooking. I did not launder his things.
My Husband told me I don't do anything... nor did anything all weekend... and I said smiling "YES, I do.not.do.anything... you are right."

I feel good. I have no guilt. Hubby though, has no remorse. No apology whatsoever. Thick headed.

But for myself, it is like a purging. So it is constructive. For me. Which for me, I never do things JUST for "me."

Next, don't try to be 'perfect' about everything. It never will be. And meanwhile the kids feel our stress. They don't need that either.
And if you are stressed, just say so. You don't have to 'justify' it.
For me, I actually tell my kids in a nice way "Mommy needs a break... I am going over there. Please let me have a moment... " or whatever. They understand.

Next, does MIL have to move in? That will be a WHOLE other dynamic. Does your Husband.... understand that? AND what will be the RULES for MIL.... and your household. She cannot take it over.
You and Hubby HAVE TO sit down, BEFORE she moves in, and discuss it... and he HAS TO, support you and you both have to present a united front.

If your MIL sees you all stressed and frazzled... and if she is not a nice/decent woman... she will use it to nit-pick. HOPEFULLY... she is a respectful and helpful woman. Not someone who interferes or criticizes her daughter in law. AND your Husband, has to have his loyalty to you... NOT "Mom."
You both really need to talk about it.... can you just tell your Husband how you feel? Many men are clueless... they just think we are bonkers and irritable.
Or show him your posting.

Next, it is not "you" that are raising your kids... it is your Husband TOO. HE should be a part of it too... don't blame just yourself. Where is he in all this????

all the best,
Susan

If it helps any, I've had a day like that too!
My work just especially sucked today and I was looking forward all day to walking home with my daughter. We usually drive, but my home isn't far, and last summer we've had a lot of fun walking a few days a week and discovering all kinds of things along the way.
She started off with a meltdown while I was picking her up from daycare and it didn't get better from there. Halfway home it also started raining and I just wanted to cry...

Today I was alone, but on days that I am planning outings with DH, I also feel a lot of pressure to make everything come out perfect... it usually ends up with at least one person in our family completely frustrated.

I don't really have any advice... sometimes the best days turn out to be those were there is nothing planned, no expectations to disappoint and we just go with the flow...I will try to follow my own advice next time and when things start going downhill, just change plans and look on the bright side (I should have done that today... but ah well I had the blinders on).
A big hug from me and good luck!

You are not the only mommy that has a bad day.
If everyday seems to be a bad day then you need to change that.
It is good that you are asking for advice.

First, think of Kate Gosselin. The world knows how she treated Jon. He got fed up and left.
Men want peace in the house. They do not look forward to coming home when they know that their wife is going to be yelling and fighting with them and the children. Your husband would like you to be soft spoken and sweet to him and the kids.

Now take a look at Kate Gosselins children,
they cry and scream and hit each other ALL THE TIME.
They are always fighting with each other.
Everyone can see how unhappy they are.

It's because Kate yells at them all the time.
She doesn't use kind words and talks to them and be silly
and plays with them.

Kate is now alone, and if she keeps it up her kids will grow up not wanting to be near her.

She is a wonderful example of WHAT NOT TO DO to your family.
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First, the yelling needs to stop. I know you can do it.
You are not alone with this. There are lots of mommies that
yell. But it needs to stop.

Second, play with your kids. Do not allow it to get ugly.
Let's say they start to fight, stand up and say ok who ever doesn't stop fighting, on the count of three I will chase you and get you and tickle you until you start to be nice.
They will stop fighting right away and they will get happy and then say 123 real fast and chase them and tickle them all.
It will change the mood in the air.

This has to start with you changing.

Go and look for your husband grab his butt, hug on him, kiss him all over his face and play with him. He will smile and he will think what in the world got into her.
Play with him, call him honeybun, sweet cakes, my love.
Wink at him, rub his back, just look for him.
Rent the movie Fireproof.

Smile more.

If mommy is happy EVERYONE will be happy.
If mommy is not happy than NOBODYS happy.

It starts with you, and if you want it bad enough, you will do great at it.
Change is hard, but you are strong and I have faith in you.

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I want to share this with you.
My mom was not a good mom to my brother and I.
She has been married seveal times and she never treats them right.
My brother stayed away from her, as far as he could.
I moved far far away from her.

When mothers day comes around It is truly hard for me to find a card for her because all of the beautiful cards say how wonderful she is and what a great mother she is and what a blessing it is to have her there for me to guide me and love me.
Well, I don't think so!
I have to find a simple card for her telling her
"Happy Mothers Day" and that's it.

I can't give her a wonderful card because she is not wonderful.

My point is ~ I try to always keep my cool with my family because I want my husband to be happy with he is coming home.
I want my kids to be happy when mothers day comes around and I want them to feel like ( oh this is so beautiful I'm getting this for mommy, because I love her ).
I don't want my kids to feel like they can't wait until they are 18 and then they can leave.

I try to do my best, am I perfect - No - but I have a goal and I try to reach for that goal.
My goal is to have a happy family and I know that it starts with Mommy.

I know you want change. I know you can do this.

I wish you the best.

= )

E. - you are not the 1st mom to feel this way, nor will you be the last! Hang in there. From your note - you work and are a wife and a mother - that's a lot going on! Been there and completely understand the feelings.

1 - how much recharge time do you get for yourself? Each person is diff in what helps them recharge. Do you need time with girlfriends? a trip for a mani/pedi? Sometime alone to sleep? Like they say in the airplanes - when the oxygen mask comes down, you have to put yours on first before you can help anyone else.

2 - Make your relationship with your husband the priority over the kids. Get time away for the 2 of you to communicate, have fun, relax, make plans, agree on standards, rules, punishments, etc for the boys. Time doesn't have to be a 2 week vacation but consistent date nights, coffee times to talk, 2/wk after the boys are in bed, something you both agree on and look forward to.

3 - Get help with the boys. We have great friends at church who we look to for advice and input on raising our kids - based on the example they have set with their kids and who their kids have become as people. Do you have friends like that you can talk to? Some books to read: 'Raising Awesome Kids', 'A New Kid By Friday', 'What Boys Need from their Fathers', etc.

4 - Before your MIL moves in, make sure you and your husband are in agreement on expectations for her, boundaries, communication lines, etc. Often it is best , that if there are problems with her, that he as her son address them. If she is able, maybe part of the agreement is she babysits consistently so the two of you can get out. =-)

5 - Another thought, how is your job? I was working a job that was 60-80hr/week all the time. It was very stressful with no breaks and left me feeling that I was abandoning my family, yet I was so exhausted all I wanted was time alone and then I felt guilty. Would a job change help ease up anything?

6 - Lastly, pray. This sounds so simple and maybe it's not your thing but that is always the answer because as moms we take on fixing and meeting the needs of the world. So who then is going to meet our needs? Only God can meet all the needs of a mom and recharge her to help her be able to do all she does without going crazy. Psalm 3 - Psalm 6

E. - I hope this helps some. As a mom who can relate, I send you warm thoughts and hugs. Hang in there! Find your support and release. You are not a horrible mom. You are normal! =-)
T.

I have had so many days like this myself! You are not alone. For me getting a little break and/or catching up on sleeps helps me a lot--but it is so hard to get the time! I don't know how old your kids are. Mine are still young--4 and 16 months. Sometimes simple things are a lot of fun and less prep for you. My kids like to play outside in the park or under the hose when it is hot.

Hi E.-

I've had many days when I've asked myself, "why do I bother?". Seems like I spend the whole day trying to do something special for the kids only to feel completely unappreciated!

The one thing I have learned is that my kids actually appreciate the small things more. Sounds strange, but staying at home and spending the day doing simpler things with them makes them (and me) happy. I decide ahead of time that I am not going to do housework and I'm not going to go online or watch TV or any of the other tasks that usually take my time away from them. Then I just spend the day playing games that they want to play or reading books. It's amazing when you tell yourself ahead of time, OK no housework today just spending time with the kids, how much more relaxed and fun it can be. Usually I feel pulled in a million directions because the kids want me with them but I feel like I need to do laundry, empty the dishwasher, vacuum the family room, clean the bathroom, etc. Just giving them my undivided attention goes a long way. Obviously it can't be done all day, every day, but I try to set aside at least some time everyday when I'm not multitasking or thinking about the millions of things I have to do, I'm just concentrating on them.

Good luck,
K.

My parenting/life philosophy includes a belief that ALL upsets are the result of one or more of three things: Unfulfilled expectations, undelivered communications and thwarted intentions. Looks like life with little ones is pressing all three buttons. You expect the kids to appreciate the extra efforts you take to do things like "pirate dinners". You want to tell them to stop being ungrateful little s--ts but you love them and don't want to be mean. You intend for things to turn out and when they don't you blame you and get frustrated.

First, let me tell you that your feelings are totally NORMAL! You are not a bad mom and you are not nuts!

You are, however, in control of you. Start expecting yourself to enjoy whatever you plan and accept the response you get as what it is. Tell the kids that you are trying the best you can and ask them for cooperation. Lower your expectations for yourself - so you don't set yourself up for thwarted intentions.

Most important - count to three or ten or however longer it takes to calm. Kids respond in kind, so if you are over the top stressed, they will pick up on it and give it back to you 10 fold.

Be gentle with yourself, and by extension, your family. You can always email me if you need a shoulder. Love L.

Expectations often exceed reality - especially where family outings are concerned.
As for rude children - you can stop that.
Talk with your husband and get him on board - you need to present a united front or this won't work -- ever.
Set some rules and some consequences.
Have a family meeting to tell the children how things are going to go and what will happen when they don't follow the rules.
Then - follow through. No matter what.
They CANNOT win.
You need to start now. Unless you do it now, when they are teenagers and you want to set boundaries it will be too late. Find your children's currency. My oldest loved TV and video games. One wrong move, and I took them away. :-)
I used time out. It was hard at first, but they figured it out. (I kept bringing them back and started the timer over... and over... and over...)
If I took them somewhere and they misbehaved, we left. I only had to do it once. That was the turning point... that's when they knew I meant business. Next time you plan something, tell them before you leave that if they can't behave, you'll just bring them home and they can stay in their rooms by themselves. Then follow through.
YMMV
LBC

Hi E., first of all you are not a horrible mother/wife, if you were you would not care about family time. I've been a mom for 26 years and a wife for 29 years, it's not always easy,planning things in advance always made and makes things easier for me. When my kids were little I would plan things to a tee, then share them with my husband so he would know just how I wanted things to go and if things didn't go just right i would stress and them modify my plans, I learned the hard way to be flexable in case things didnt go according to plans, and some times they didn't. Your boys you didn't mentioned their ages, have your husband help you, discipline is the key. if your boys are being rude they may be tripping off your mood, but I know in my family when my two sons were small my husband was very on top of teaching our sons how to show respect to everyone but especially me. If your boys seem unhappy it could be cause they feel/see that you are unhappy, I know all 3 of our kids were fed from our moods, most kids are happy when mom and dad are happy. Since you are having a hard time planning family, start with family dinners, those are the most important family times a family can have together. Make your boys bed time routine a family thing, for example we had our boys brush their teeth, pick out a book for daddy to read and we all went in their room sat together while daddy read then we took turns praying we both tucked them in said good night I love you see you in the morning this way E. you guys end end each day as a family, start off with little things like that, and you maybe surprised when your family starts pulling together to help you with family plans. Now the big thing MIL moving in, I don't think that rarely turns out good. Why does she have to move in with you? I hope some of this helps, if you would like to talk further you can e-mail me at ____@____.com we all need to vent sometimes. J.

Hang in there! First you need a good long talk with the whole family and try to explain to the kids how they are behaving and how it makes you feel. (I actually ran away from home one day and my son freaked out - he acted much better after that). Most of all your husband has to support you and help out. Then you need to book some alone time or time with girl friends once a week or every other week so you can have some fun and decompress. You should also do a date night with your husband (this will be easier with MIL living there!) as often as you can. Finally talk to your Mother In Law about doing some things with the kids during the day so you have an hour or so of alone time during the day. You don't say how old the kids are but regardless you need have them get on board with this and maybe do a behavior chart for them where they get stickers for each day they behave correctly and listen to you. After 10 stickers get them a special treat or toy. You're feeling totally normal! Hopefully your family will understand this and help out!

Good luck!

E., you are not alone! There are so many moms that feel just like you and it is so great that you are reaching out!
I just want to say that you deserve to be happy and your kids and family do too, and there is a solution. Sometimes we all need the "third" person to tell us what to do be able to start over and enjoy the days and life with our families. Life is too short to be frustrated every day.

Im not sure how old your childen are, but i would like to recommend you to read this blog : http://safeandhealthychildren.blogspot.com/
please don't worry when you see the title...its about awareness! I think you will find some helpful tips.

I love this book: The increadible years.

I praise any parent who goes out to ask for help, because that is not a shame, BUT it is very wise and it means you care to have a better and stress free life for your family, becasue that is what all families deserve.

I am sure there are some resources in your town..
I hope i helped a little :) If you need anything else please email me.

This too will pass. I have two boys are they are constantly pushing the envelope, so to speak. Some days are better than others. Try not to put a lot of stress on youerself to plan big outings. It is nearly impossible at this age. Get them out and run them hard every day at the park if you can and I promise that will help. My friends and I that have boys talk about how busy they are and how they are into everything. They say boys are harder to discipline when younger and girls are harder to discipline when their older. Who really knows! Anyway, the good thing about your MIL moving in is that she will be able to watch them while you take naps and showers. That will be fantastic! Stay positive and everything will work out. :-)

You need to get hubby involved. Have you said all of these things to him? I'd have him read your post so he knows how you are feeling. He's your partner but he can't help you if he doesn't know where to start. We always think it's obvious when we are totally overwhelmed and so we shouldn't have to tell him we need help and support. NO!! It doesn't work that way. If your kids are always whining and crying, like mine try to just do what they want not what you think they want. You've planned some really cool things and when it turns into meltdown it upsets you. Been there done that. If you feel like you are always yelling and screaming then you probably are and they aren't going to respond. Stop raising your voice totally. They will pay attention because they won't really know what to think. Go with timeout and give one warning and no negotiating. Stick them in timeout and hush. If they wan't to yell and cry for their whole timeout IGNORE it. They will eventually quit doing it because it doesn't work. Check out the Supernanny style. I know it sounds cheezy but it works for the kids and it will really help you. You'll begin to feel like you have more control. The kids will have a clear idea of your expectations so less whining. The other thing you should do...stop stressing! Shift your thinking. Consider what issues are really stress worthy.

I'm a Mom of two boys too. Since we're out voted - I usually ask them what they want to do (what was I thinking) and no one ever agrees. So I get flustered trying to make everyone happy or at least everyone enjoy our time together. (not) My husband and I split up some days. Having a one-on-one day with one parent. That way everyone can do what they want. Then you can regroup that night and plan a family thing now that everyones happy. Good luck. My boys can be rude, loud and annoying sometimes, so don't blame yourself. Growing up is hard for them too. It's not your fault. As for your MIL, that's an entirely different stress. Make sure you have a little time for yourself. (that's the hardest thing for me to do) your can rejuvenate yourself and have more patience with everyone. If you feel better then you won't be half as tired and stressed out. So take time for you.

Hang in there E.! You are doing a fine job. Motherhood definitely has its ups and downs. All mothers have at one point (at least if not more) in their mothering felt like you. I definitely have had my breakdown days. I am currently reading the book Bringing up Girls by James Dobson and it is an excellent book. Since you have boys I would highly recommed his Bringing up Boys book. It will help you realize you are not alone in your feelings, struggles, etc. It will give you practical advice on how to raise your boys. Good luck and take care!!

I have not read others' response but you're not alone. I'm also a mother of two overwhelming among work, kids, chores. . . . You know how it goes. Everyday I find myself raising my voice towards my 2 y.o. when he doesn't "obey". . . . and I find him doing the same thing back to me and others. . . . I know how stressful it can be but one thing I am trying to do now is to apologize and explain to him why I did what I did. Also to let him know that it was rude and wrong for me to do that and he should correct me if I do again just like I would correct him if he does something wrong.
MIL is tricky. If yours enjoy being around kids then you can ask her to play with one of your kids for a hour or two while you give the other undivided attention. I've tried that and it works for my MIL and kids. Another thing is that you don't have to plan out "theme" parties/gathering to have fun with kids. Those plans will just make you more stressful. Whenever you feel like raising your voice, sit back and take a deep breath. Pick your battles don't fight everything that comes your way. Smile because your kids are energetic and healthy:)

Hi E.... I completely hear you... I was feeling the same way... I have 2 kids, work FT, give horseback riding lessons on the weekends, and manage the household.... I am fortunate in that my husband is helpful with dinner and clean up from dinner at least.. but was feeling stressed, short, snapped responses, was not patient with my kids etc. For me, I found the answer in Isagenix to supplement my nutrition. For me is it like a natural prozac! I am much more patient and able to deal with stressful situations and am just so much calmer and "centered". I would take a look at you... there was just an interesting article I read about Vit D deficiency... that most of us have it... take a few moments each day to get outside in the sun to absorb that Vit D! Did you know that many of our foods don't have the same nutritional value they did in years past due to depleted soils etc.... Consider looking at taking a good multivitamin to supplement nutrients your diet may be lacking. I love the comment if Mommy's not happy, no body is happy... I agree...so take a moment for you... to regain your balance and your center and you'll be captain of the ship again!! I know where you are.... regain you... and you will be better! :) Good luck! C.

You are NOT alone! You mentioned a day off, so I take it that you already work outside the home. I went back to work full time after 4 years as a SAHM in February because I couldn't take it anymore! It has definitely helped, but we still really have our moments.

If there is ANY way you can get away without kids w/ your husband, some girlfriends or just yourself then please do! It helps me so much whenever I can make that happen for a weekend or even a whole day.

I have days when I feel the same.

give your self a break! get out of the house w/o the kids-do something!

When I am overwhelmed is when it is the worst! MIL will not help.

Hi E.. You are NOT a horrible mother/wife. I think you are just a perfectionist. I think you just need a change in mindset/expectations so that you can enjoy each moment. Take a deep breath, be in the moment, and feel content that you are doing a great job. Don't focus on outcomes. Instead, focus on the journey. Our time with our kids is so short. Before we know it, they are out of the house and we are left with ourselves again. So, try to breath, relax, enjoy, and be happy. The less stressed you are, the better it is for your family. So what if time at the movies with your boys was a disaster, and so what if the Pirate dinner was a mess? Sometimes, that is life. That doesn't mean you are a bad mother. You cannot control the outcome or what happens, but you can control how you react to it. Maybe you are getting burnt out also. Try to get away with girlfriends or by yourself, even for just a weekend. It might rejuvenate you.