C.E. asks from Plymouth, MI on October 01, 2009
How Do You Get Your Husband to 'De-stress'??
I know I'm not the only one... my family is undergoing some significant stress right now due to jobs. We are grateful that we have them, but they have become very stressful for both of us. It is effecting our home life significantly. I am looking for ways that you get your husband to unwind after he leaves the office and before he comes home. I am able to do it with a longer commute than he; plus I simply don't have time to be crazed stressed/anxious about things - put out the most critical fire first, or as my mother says, "tie another knot and hang on". The stress is eating him from the inside out, and I am concerned about health issues arising. The stress is effecting how he handles behavior issues with the boys.
E.A. answers from Detroit on October 02, 2009
Two things are so interesting here: 1) that I could have written this myself, so familiar to me is this issue, and 2) it's so funny and TRUE how uncomplicated guys are (yep, sex, comfort food, and naps is all my hubby really wants). In addition to this advice (which is great, I think), I would tell you to be understanding and SUPPORTIVE during this time. One thing I have realized is that I cannot change him, so I have to work on me. THis is not to say you should deny the stress you are feeling, but I agree that women are wired differently, and for the most part we destress through talking with our girlfriends, relaxing alone, reading, etc. Let your husband know that you're there for him if he needs to vent, and that you're worried about him. Try not to bug him or nag him about how he needs to make a change-- wow, is this hard or what?!?! FOr me, it seems like the stress of being in a job he hates has completely altered the man I married 7 years ago. We also have a 4 year old and a 1 year old (he's actually 18 months), so I feel your pain! I am home with them 90% of the time-- even more so now that my husband has been on an extended business trip since June 8th (he's coming home today, hooray!). But I worry that he will have a heart attack from the stress at age 34 (and the junk food), even though he exercises every other day when he's at home. I feel like I'm being ungrateful when I think about how i would love for him to get a new job, but how many other people are out there without a job! I often wonder whether I'd prefer the stress of dealing with a burned-out, stressed-out husband or the stress of him being unemployed. Good luck and God Bless! You are not alone in these struggles!
B.H. answers from Detroit on October 01, 2009
This advice is not mine but it is something that I have heard from men. I don't men to minimize your situation but men care most about sex. lots of Sex, food, and a good nap.
Just something to think about?
I believe this is true due to the fact that men are not very complicated. Their needs are not as sophisticated as ours. Most of them are creatures of habit.
W.E. answers from Grand Rapids on October 02, 2009
Hi C., Sounds like you are glad that you and your husband have work with this difficult economy, but recognize and experience that those jobs can bring a lot of stress. Sounds like your husband has a particularly difficult job and maybe not have much margin between work and coming home to a wife and two young boys which requires some energy too. You are worried about his health. does he have time to fit in some exercise, belong to a gym or just go for a walk or run around the neighborhood. Exercise is a great stress reducer and energy booster. It would be great if he could do this between work and home. If not possible. Maybe he needs some down time when he first gets home. Does he have time to unwind, read the paper, or reconnect emotionally with you before putting on that Dad hat? Sometimes kids run to the door and don't give dad or mom enough time to connect with their spouse before engaging in family life. I know having a baby makes that difficult but if there are ways you can set up your environment to be peaceful as possible when your husband gets home, that may go a long way to help him decompress. I like that you call him your best friend. Having someone you can share the difficulties of life in and of itself is a huge stress buster.
M.C. answers from Detroit on October 01, 2009
My hubby had his doctor prescribe some relaxing pills which have helped tremendously. Also, exercise like walking and napping helps.
T.H. answers from Grand Rapids on October 02, 2009
My husband and I recently went through that same issue. I have been on meds for almost a year due to anxiety and depression that started after my car accident. When he got stressed, we made and appointment with our doctor and asked him for suggestions. We ended up adjusting some meds he had been on and it helped quite a bit. Another thing we did was have one of us take the kids somewhere(even something like grocery shopping) and let the other have some time alone at home to unwind. We also started swapping overnighters with family and friends so all of the parents got some down time together at least every couple months.
T.B. answers from Grand Rapids on October 02, 2009
Good morning C.,
In response to your question;
I believe the greatest de-stresser tool that you can use is yourself. If you can plan some good quality time away from the "norm" that is going on in your house by getting him away from the house, if you can. Spend a Friday/Saturday at a nice hotel here in town if you can't get away out of town. It doesn't matter but just getting him away and your self for that matter will help by allowing the two of you to get that precious time you need. It will allow the two of you to re-connect which is something you need that can be a factor to the stress. Secondly try to learn how to not take things so seriously because we only get to live this life once and why stress over things you may not have total control of. Learn how to work it and leave it where it needs to be. It's all about keeping things in its proper perspective. I hope this helps you and if you would like to explore this more feel free to contact me k...
"Empowering you by coaching you for life"
M.G. answers from Jackson on October 03, 2009
Hi C.! My heart goes out to you and your husband for the extra stress. Does your husband want a way to de-stress? We can do all the wanting in the world for them but if they don't....Does he think he deserves the extra?
My husband had a heart attack from the stress. He is learning to not take it all on his shoulders. One thing that helps is that I have asked him to use a stress relieving supplement that stops the damage from the stress hormone. May I send you and your husband some information on that?
B.B. answers from Detroit on October 01, 2009
Everyone handles stresses differently.
Give him the chance to get out every once in a while. With friends or without. My hubby will walk the 1 mile to town and get himself a burger/steak for dinner every couple weeks.
Don't expect him to destress and switch gears as fast as you. Men are wired differently. My hubby can not unwind while driving. He has to unwind after getting home. He goes upstairs to change and we give him a few minutes alone. Do not allow the kids to jump him when he walks in the door. Encourage him to come home put on some sweatpants and go for a walk around the block. with or without the 1 yr old in the stroller... Leave it up to him. My hubby will go for a 3 mile walk several times a week...
We do not own a tv set. We have noticed that there are very few shows that relax you. Most just wind you up and distract you from what you have to do. Which means that you feel more stressed because you didn't get enough done to feel ready for the next day. They also interfere with a good sleep pattern. We are usually in bed by 9pm and hubby is up at 5. That would not be possible if we were sitting up to watch the late show. Plus, we are saving electricity...:-)
I am a stay at home mom who also does daycare. So I am literally surrounded by kids ALL DAY! When hubby comes home I would LOVE to hand the parenting reigns over to him... but I know that it would not turn out good. Train your kids and practice to have quiet time when daddy gets home. Let everyone sit and read while you get dinner together. Have the kids color or play quietly and allow hubby to either sit and read the paper or talk to you quietly about the day. His choice.