Sister Feeling Guilty

C.,

I am sorry you are having problems with your family. There are so many layers here that it is impossible to address them all in this format.

First and most importantly you and your children cannot get herpes (genital like your sister has)from her in a casual setting. Genital herpes can only be spread through sexual contact. Yes, genital herpes can spread to the mouth but only through oral sex. As this is highly unlikely in your case, you have nothing to worry about. Oral herpes is an entirely different strain. 65% of the population has oral herpes. If you get cold sores they are most likely oral herpes. Both strains need to be spread by direct contact. They will not spread through sharing cups, straws, etc. To reiterate genital herpes can only be spread through direct sexual contact.

OK, on to your sister. The choice is yours but she is definitely trying to reach out to you. She is pregnant and looking for support. You can choose to support her or not. I know it is difficult to let go of the past especially since it repeats itself. I have had this problem too. I really suggest you talk to a counselor about your family situation. They can help you sort through all of your feelings and figure out what to do in the future. If you decide to terminate all contact you will know why you are doing it. If you decide to establish a relationship you will learn how to control it. I have a similiar situation and after many years I have a good relationship with the problem members of my family. The key was learning how to control the negativity and counseling gave me the answer.

As for the party just tell her it is "kids only" - you hope she understands and you can get together (or not) at another time. Then make the party kids only. This is the best way to avoid difficult family situations. Of course next year she will have a child so you will need to really figure out your relationship by then.

Good luck. But remember toxic relationships poison your entire life.

A.

If you want to be a mommy protecting her children in 2008, the best way is to embrace knowledge! And teach inclusion! And learn tolerance! This is your sister, for goodness sake!
As a teacher, I really think you need to RE-educate yourself! Unless your sister is having unprotected sex with your kids, I'm pretty sure they are safe. Herpes can take several forms, SHINGLES, Type I or Type II. Maybe you could do a little research on the internet so you can actually learn some facts about your sister's condition. I've known people in my life with various diseases and I don't think they were ever shunned by their families. Arm yourself with the truth and the facts first before passing judgement on someone else!

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Yes, she is your sister; however, you have an estranged relationship to begin with, which means your children probably don't even know her. I have not had this situation personally, but my step-daughter, whom I have raised since she was 1 (and is now 20 and pregnant)has a very similar situation with her family. You have to draw the line somewhere in order to protect yourself and your children. If your sister wants to be a part of your life, you need to set some ground rules for her. Let her know how you feel, but in a sincere way. Don't attack her, just talk to her. If she really wants to be included in your family she will respect your wishes. I tell my daughter all the time, you have to let them know how you feel. If you keep your feelings bottled up inside you are only creating more problems for yourself. As far as Herpes goes, just limit what she can and can't do with your children. They aren't going to contract it from being around her, just keep it simple. Explain to your sister that you can't just jump back into a normal relationship with her, you need to gradually work your way into it. If she loves you and wants to be your sister again, she'll understand. Best of luck to you.

Sounds like your family...is never boring. I empathize, I have a similar family. My father in law went to a kids birthday party while being treated for TB. To this day he can't understand why they won't let him come back. LOL!!

Your family won't change, that's for sure. The only thing you can change is your response to their nonsense. It'll be hard, especially at first.

When my family or inlaws (otherwise known as the "outlaws") irritate me, I smile and try not to act as if they've bothered me. Eventually, they go on to other nonsense and leave me alone. I've filtered them from 'all-nonsense-all-the-time' to 'nonsense-every-so-often'. To vent my frustration I journal/blog and/or talk with my husband.

Good luck!