Sexual Transmitted Disease

BIG learning lesson.....i hope he is just as remorseful for cheating on his girlfriend as much as he is upset that he probably caught an STD.....i hope you are telling him to do the right thing & tell his girlfriend about everything even if the test comes back negative.........if he's afraid he'll never be able to date again maybe he should consider dating the girl he slept with........theres nothing you can do or say to help him.....he needs to beat himself up for what HE did & make this a big learning lesson on how to be a better person & man

Herpes doesn't affect your daily life. It doesn't make you feel sick and no one knows you have herpes unless you tell them (provided they don't see your genitals). It's only noticeable on the genitals when you have an outbreak. So, chances are, even if he does have it, most of the time, he'll be able to forget he has it.

I understand that it's frustrating and I'm sure he's thinking that no one will ever want to touch him after they find out he has herpes. But, I once heard the statistic that one in four people has it. And if you use protection (which you should anyway), it's not even an issue.

T.,
You didn't mention how old your brother is but emotionally he sounds very immature.There is nothing more you can do at this point until the results come back from the hospital.It sounds as if he is having a big old pity party for himself and wants you to join in.He is feeling guilty because of having sex with someone other than his girlfriend and knows if he does have herpes he is caught.Tell him this is his warning to quit being so promiscious and not protecting himself.has he ever heard of condomes?Explain to him sex is NOT love.If he has a problem (other than the std)have him join a sex addiction group.As you said it's not aids.Tell him if you lay down with dogs you wake up with fleas.It is guilt he has to deal with more so than the std.prayers for you both.

Hi T.,

You've already gotten a number of responses, so I won't be redundant, but I want to give you some practical, factual information to give your brother, since I ran a college peer health education program for 4 years, and so know a lot about healthy sexuality. Herpes REALLY isn't a big deal. I think the statistics are something like 1 in 3 people who are sexually active have it. Don't quote me on that, I haven't looked at the data for a long time. But it's very common, and there are actually 2 types of the virus - herpes simplex 1, which is oral herpes (but can be contracted to the genitals through oral sex), and herpes simplex 2, which is the genital herpes (again, it can be contracted in the mouth through oral sex). Herpes is a virus, so it's true that it never really goes away. But, in most cases, it is extremely mild. It is not remotely life-threatening, doesn't lead to sickness, and not even usually pain. Most people go for months if not years without a breakout, which is generally exacerbated by stress. During a breakout, it's best to abstain from sex, because if you actually have sores you can spread it easily. But the rest of the time, it's really no big deal. It would be nice if you informed your partner, but it is't an ethical or legal issue if you don't, as it is with other STIs. Generally if you use protection (condoms), it's not even a factor, except to remember that herpes is contacted through skin and not through fluid - so it can be found on the area around the genitals not covered by a condom. Anyway.............it isn't your responsibility to take on your brother's problems, and it may just take him some time. And of course, he has a right to his feelings and concerns, whatever they are. But truly, herpes is not a huge deal. Good luck!

My sister was affected by it at a young age. She was stupid and had unprotected sex with someone she was not in a long term relationship with and he never told her that he had it. She takes the medications that help prevent outbreaks and they seem to help. She only occasionally has an issue. However, she is currently in a relationship and made it known to her current boyfriend. He seemed to understand and they waited a but to become intimate, at least until they knew they were going to stay in a long term relationship. They have been together for 4 years and unfortunately, he did contract it from her, but, he seems okay with it since he knew that he was taking the risk. Tell him that he just needs to find someone that he wants to stay with and feels worth taking that risk!

Hi,T.. It sounds like your brother is a little immature, no criticism intended, but he sounds insecure about himself, that his masculinity depends on being able to have worry-free sex, he has no sense of responsibility for using protection, and he has a totally sexual view of relationships -- he's going to have to get over some of these before he can cope with the possibility that he may have herpes.

He probably knows that living with herpes or any other condition that "cramps my style" is going to force him to mature some more, and he may not be ready for that yet. I think the only thing you can do is to try to be supportive so that he doesn't think he is all alone in the world, at least until he gets the results back. He also needs to contact the girl he was having unprotected sex with.

Whatever his diagnosis, this could turn into a positive thing for him. #1, he should become more responsible for protecting himself and his sex partners, and #2, he should become less likely to have a whole lot of casual sex.

In the meantime, I will pray for you, my dear, for your healing! I hope that God's love and healing touch you deeply, now and forever.

Peace,
Syl

The best thing for your brother at this point and time is to become educated as to this disease or any other std. Provide him with that information and how to avoid being caught in this situation in the future and just be there for him to listen to any of his concerns. I do not know how old your brother is or if you are the "big" sister or not, and not that it matters; however, young people today think they are invincible when it comes to what can happen when they are sexually promiscuous. I hope this scare, whether real or not, will wake him up to the dangers of not acting responsibly and wearing a condom, and teach him to not have sex with just anyone.

Just let him vent, he is obviously worried and he won't be comforted until he gets his results. The best you can do is listen to him. This too will pass and as you said, it should be a lesson learned for him. I know this sounds crude, but I have noticed someone like that who dwells on the doom, if you actually tell them what they want to hear in their language like "ok you have herpes, you are going to die and you won't be able to move on, your life is over"...they sometimes "hear" what they are saying thru you and take a second look at the situation. For some reason the positive talk make them feel like it's just jibbrish"...but to repeat the negative back to them let them hear how awful they sound, they get some satisfaction and tend to console themselves now that it is "said"...obviously you have to know the person who you tell that, you wouldn't want to make it worse..but sometimes I've noticed that works. Hopefully the results are negative.

So sorry for your bro but it can be a result from unprotected sex. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him. I pray the results are neg. but he prob does have something.

I am sorry you are upset by this. Keep in mind that you have a family and your own life to deal with. I have a family member who has, at various times, had problems. It was nice for him to have me but I have discovered over the years that most of what he has gone through he brought on himself. By having me to go to he was relieved of some of the trauma. Were I to do it over again, I would not have stressed out over his problems so much. Sometimes there is something a little disfunctional about dumping all your issues on a family member. It's as if "well I made this mistake so now you need to help me get over it which makes it as much your problem as mine". You gave your best advice. Cheer up, move on, make a good life for you and your immediate family. His life is HIS responsibility!

Hi T.,

I'm so sorry you are hurting so over your brother. From what you say, this seems to be deeper than just a sexual issue. He seems to think life has no purpose. Without purpose we are ALL lost. This will definitely change his life...but sleeping around with just anyone will as well (protected or not). You, or anyone, for that matter will not get through to him until it is time. He already knows everything you have told him. He just thought he was invincible. It will take a while for him to come to grips with the fact that he is not.

Right now he needs lots of prayer and a repentant heart. The only comfort that anyone can give is the fact that God's on His throne and that He is in control. I'll be praying.....

M.