Advice for Potential Marriage w/STD (Genital Herpes)

I know a married couple living with this, and they don't take medicine and haven't had an outbreak in a few years now. It sounds to me like a miserable existence, which is why I asked such personal questions of them; but they're okay. According to what I've read, anyone can have it for years, not knowing the source, and it can just come up during an illness or other source of physical stress. We could all have it and be passing it back and forth and never know until it shows up. My doctor told me that they can't even test for it unless you have an outbreak, a source from which to sample; so if it's dormant, they just can't tell. Please, also, keep in mind that it doesn't take promiscuity to transfer it, so don't judge her based on that. All it takes is one partner one time, and that one time doesn't have to be "complete".

I, too, think that they should be counseled by their pastor(s) as they move forward in this "serious" relationship. Marriage is difficult for older couples who have life experience and know who they are and what they want. On the other hand, when I met my husband, I knew that our paths were divinely crossed and that we were meant to be married to each other. Sometimes God presents it in just that way.

I wish the best to all of you.

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I commend the young woman for her honesty. Obviously she cares for your son or she would not have revealed it and it also speaks of her character for her honesty. Genital herpes CAN be transmitted even when there is not an outbreak....proven research!I contracted it from my husband of 26 years. Their situation is manageable and should remain between the two of them. You say your son has done some research, well then let them handle it.You can advise him to continue researching and stay up with it, because new information is being made available all the time. I know you love him and it sounds like you have raised a fine young man. He doesn't run when he is faced with a potential situation. The two of them have the beginnings of a stable relationship by setting the ground rules of honesty and trust. If it is meant to be than it will be. Trust God that if HE brings you to it, HE will bring you through it!

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My friend has that std. And she takes very good care to try from giving it to anyone else. She lets the person know before she even thinks about getting "in bed" with them.

I think the girlfriend did a good thing with telling him about the std. It showed that she cared for him. If he truely believes that she is the one for him and he can live with using a condom for the rest of their life together then you should let him. In all truth she will never be healed from the std, but she may just not have an out break right now. If he is wanting to spend the rest of his life with her, ask him to go to Plan Parent Hood, they have an endless supply of information about std's and the possibility of spreading it to a baby if she ever gets preganant. Then allow him to make the decision.

I know this may not have been what you wanted to hear but I see it through my friend how hard it is to 1 find love, 2 acceptance, 3 commentment.

Good luck and the best of wishes to all

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To Heather - It's not true that a doctor can't test for it only when there is an outbreak. In fact, you can be tested at any time but it must be through a blood test.

To L. - your heart is in the right place. It's good to be involved in your son's life. At this point I would think the fact that he wants to get married would have a bigger impact (if it's the wrong choice) over her health condition. I personally live with this strain of the virus; I don't know when I got it or how long I had it before I was diagnosed. To tell you the truth I wouldn't know what an outbreak was like or if I've ever had one. I only know I have it because I was tested via blood test. My husband and I initially talked about it and made it a conscious choice not to use a condom. And we haven't thought about it much since. So, I guess I'm just trying to convey that it hasn't been a big deal in our lives, from my point of view. Good Luck!

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My 50 year old aunt has this, has been married for 16 years, and to my knowledge has not transferred it to her husband, even having two children by him. I believe she takes medication and her outbreaks have become less and less (years apart now) as the years have gone by.

Your son is so young, I hate to see young people so serious so early on, at 19 they really are not ready for a marital type of relationship no matter how mature they think they are. People change so much between the ages of 20 and 30. I would suggest having your son talk to his pastor as well as your family doctor about this so that he has a good amount of knowledge to base any decision he makes on.

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Well first off let me say you have a wonderful son!!!b/c it takes a strong person to be able to deal with someone with any type of condition.. Thats like starting a relationship with strings attached.but if your son has left it in god's hands why shouldn't you!!!being a mother myself i would really talk to him and make him make me understand that he knows the hardships and trials that they may go through but once that is all said and done it is really his decision...

God bless

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Well as a sufferer myself and my spouse of 20 yrs is clean. There are meds that she can take to prevent an outbreak and protect her spouse. 1 daily 500mg. Valtrex has been proven to protect a partner. You don't have to be a promiscous person to ger GH. Just 1 partner can give it to you as what happened to me.

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I have a friend who contacted this from her husband (he did not know he had it) when she was 19. She is now 51. She and 1st husband divorced and has remarried, 25 years ago She has had 4 children via c-section. She opted for c-section b/c of the increased chance of passing it to the child thru vaginal delivery. Her current husband (of 25 years) has not gotten this from her. They were counseled by a dr. specializing in this and their pastor. They obviously do not use condoms since they have 4 children. She has not had an outreak in many many years. It is a calculated risk that should be considered thoroughly. Good luck.

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std's are no laughing matter, they are serious, but in the scope of things, herpes is not lifethreatening. every case is defferent, but if your son were to contract the disease, the first outbreak is painful, and then the symptoms get les and less. and there are medicines to help. the biggest concern is if the girlfriend (or wife) has an outbreak during labor. that is an automatic c-section, because the risks of passing herpes to a newborn ARE life-threatening. there will be bloodwork done in the hospital, and if she is unnaffected at the time, she can have the baby naturally, but if not, then the c-section. just make sure they have great healthcare.

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I'd like to address the seriousness of the relationship at sucha young age because several others on here have. I don't know much about any STD's so I can't give advice there.

I'm usually one of the first to roll my eyes and think "yeah right!" when I hear someone so young say they are in love and going to get married. I don't know why I find it so unbelievable when I got married when I was only 22. I KNEW I was with the man I would marry when I was just 16 and so did he. (I'd known him since I was 5 and actually prayed to marry him when I was about 6 or 7.) We dated for 6 years before we got married. My husband (boyfriend at the time) wanted to finish college and get a job first.

All that to say teenagers are awfully young to talk about marriage but it is possible to fall in love and enter into a good and solid relationship. I would not suggest MARRIAGE at that age but I try really hard not to say that they are too young to know what love is.

In saying that: if it's the real deal then they can work through this and overcome it. It is a serious situation but it's not the end of the world.

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Sometimes we all make bad choices. She is one of these people. She is human. Jesus loves a sinner. Life with condoms doesn't sound appealing, but spending the rest of your life with someone you love is appealing. Herpes is only contagious during a break out. So, if precautions are taken they'll be fine. They can have children but no vaginal births. No reason they can't be a normal healthy happy family. Don't be too judgemental, Jesus wouldn't like that. Do not cast stones!!!

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I have a testimony of the healing power of Christ but herpes is manageable, not generally healable. I have a family member who got that same thing. She had always been in serious relationships but one time the "world" got to her and she got careless. She had to tell her husbandto be and he took it very well. I personally don't know if I could be that accepting, but that is nothing to take lightly and may really be a sign of his committment to her. He may end up contracting it or else how could they conceive. I think it needs to be up to him as long as he is educated. Just make sure to encourage him to wait until they are married. He is really young and may want to lighten it up a bit anyway.

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Hello L. R,
I think you would be very surprised at # of people living with genital herpes (regardless of a promiscuous or Christian). There is a wonderful maintenance medication called Valtrex, and taken once a day, will prevent her from outbreaks. Additionally, it prevents him from contracting herpes. She can get a prescription discreetly from her ob/gyn. Also, you may try to suggest in a loving, empathetic, non-judgemental way that a long engagement is in both of their best interests. This, perhaps, will see if the Christianity is the real deal - (I wouldn't put those words around it in the suggestion).

Try to discourage your son from marrying the young lady.

Hi L.!
Well I also have many friends who have this problem. I was actually surprised to realize how common it is these days. I am in agreement with many on the board that if they do choose to marry, they can work together to prevent spreading the disease and have a great intimate life. Through medication and barrier methods I think it is a very manageable problem. I do think that it is ok that you are helping your son through this now but if he does actually purpose to her then you probably should lay low about it after that because she will be his future wife. As far as their age being and issue, they are very young but I also know several couples who married young and are very happy. I have some friends who are youth pastors and married at 17 and 18. Now they are about 20 and 21 with kids and doing just great, they have an awesome ministry together. My pastor's kids married at 18 and will both be graduating college this summer, so life isn't over if they do marry young. I didn't marry until I was 30 and that can be challenging too I mean I was all stuck in my ways and had to be set straight a few times! I wish you guys all the best!

Hi L.--
You are so wise to consider the physical accomodations that will be part of their intimate life. Your young but adult son loves her and thinks she's the one, so he may decide to take the risk physically for the sake of intimacy and oneness.

However, you didn't mention what your pastor thinks.... Marriage being one of the most important decisions in a person's entire life should always be covered in prayer(I'm sure it has been with the couple and you too)but also submitted to the spiritual authority in your son's life....someone who could be his mentor, for example...like a church elder or his pastor. Sometimes we think we have it all lined out in God's will and can move forward, but a confirmation from his spiritual authority (someone that knows your son well and has met with both of them) can make a world of difference for everyone's peace of mind and thus follows joy without reservations!

Remember there is God's "permissive will" (e.g.divorce allowed after adultery), and then there is God's "perfect will" (what God has planned).

Keep seeking Him with all your hearts & He will be found! I'll be praying for the Holy Spirit to lead all of you in wisdom and love....and HEALING...perfect wholeness for her body and their union. "The marriage bed is undefiled."

(Hey if Hosea could do it, so can your son!)

Sincerely,
K.
P.S. If you'd like to visit again with me more easily, I have a myspace where I'm known as MK Mom: www.myspace.com/ksprinkle1

There is medication for genital herpes. I know many people who live with it and they are ok. The medication helps with breakouts and also prevents them from possibly giving this to their partner. There is always the possibility of getting the disease it is not a fool proof drug. However, if taken it does help.

No advice for you really, but this is probably a good place to start for advice. Good luck. Just make sure he realizes that if the marriage doesn't work out (last thing on his mind right now) and he gets the STD......he's stuck with it....

I was married when I was 20 years old. I had a permiscuous past as well, but had recently come back to God. My husband hadn't. At the time I didn't want to get married and I didn't even know that I loved him, because I didn't think he could be humble enough to find Christ as well. But he had proposed and so I went to God and prayed fervently to know what I should do. My answer was undeniable. I should marry this man. So I did, even though there were so many reasons to be unsure (age, religion, relationship problems, etc.) I married him anyway and we now have such a perfect life. My husband is now the most faithful man I know. It still shocks me when I step back and see everything that God had in store for me. We now have an amazing life together, an 18 month old and a new one on the way any day now. I can see why God wanted him for me and me for him. I believe that as long as you have undying faith in God that He will make sure that you are happy. I believe that anything is possible through faith in Him. The best thing you can do is be happy for your son and be there for him, and always remind him to never waver in his faith.

Don't be quick to judge this girl. It was very brave of her to be honest with your son. That shows integrity. She clearly has your son's best interest at heart. Give them love, support, and help keep their faith strong and there will be nothing that can't accomplish together.

Pray for complete healing. Ask God for the answers you seek.

He will not have to use a condom b/c the only time she will be contagious is if she has a break-out and there are medications to prevent them that can be prescribed by a physician and they do work besides the fact that God could have truly healed her. Have faith and trust in Him. If it is meant to be it will happen if not then it won't. I pray for God's will and peace for you!

If they get married she can get on Valtrex which will greatly reduce the odds of her spreading herpes to your son. This is actually a common scenario and millions of couples around the world live with it. It's unfortunate but the way it is for many.

Have you suggested pre-marriage counseling? I strongly advise it. I refused to pay for my daughter's wedding until they had completed a pastoral pre-marriage counseling course and I am so glad they did it! I think you might benefit also from pastoral counseling. It can really really help. You never know what will happen in the future, if they go to counseling and decide to get married they may be very happy, and isn't that what you want the most for your child? Best wishes!

I owuld suggest couseling with the doctor to answer any quesitons for them-such as pregnancy and delivery for babies.
I know 2nd Baptist has a good pre-marital course that is highly recommended.

I too have GH. I just got out of an almost ten year marriage. My husband never got GH from me the whole time we were together. I know they say that GH can be transmitted even without an outbreak, but it never happened to us. if I had or thought I was going to have an outbreak (there are little signs)we abstained. She can also be on preventative meds that seem to suppress the virus. The biggest worry to me was when I had my son. If the virus is in outbreak during delivery, the baby could have complications, such as blindness. Luckily there as no outbreak and my son is very healthy. GH is not life threatening, it's just very uncomfortable for the person infected. In fact I can't remember the last time I had an outbreak. Be happy that she has found God and that God has seen fit to bring her to your son. If she is truly the one then accept it and look forward to their happiness.

Check out the CDC website. There is alot of info on diseases, including STDs. There are suppressant therapies and people who have HSV2 usually know when they are going to have an outbreak. SHe should be taking a B complex and LLysine everyday. There are also herbal treatments which shorten the length of the outbreak etc.
Please remember that regardless of her background, herpes is in the chickenpox family and MANY people have a type of herpes and dont know it. HSV1 and HSV2 can be on differnet parts of the body. This is why making a vaccine is nearly impossible. They cant find enough people with NO antibodies. Even if she was a virgin she could have HSV.
Check out that center for disease control website as well as others to get lots of info.
Sam E.
www.wholisticmidwifery.com

L.,
I read about ten of the responses and had to stop... I am 21 years old and married. I have been married for 2 and a half years. My husband and I both knew we were ment for each other when we met. I was his first real relationship also. everyone told us not to get married and that it wouldn't last and so on and so on. It hasn't been the easiest thing i have ever done in my life but I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything in the world. With that said I would tell you to trust your son. Tell him your concerns ONCE. and then be at peace with his decision. you might think he is ONLY 19 but he is an adult... as far as the girl goes about the herpes... I am sure he has thought through the consequences a few times and knows what he is getting into. I would suggest like someone else mentioned that they go to a doctor together (only them, possible future mother in law doesn't need to go ;) - they are big boys and girls!) and once he hears it from someone other than a family member or friend and still is all for it - then again come to terms with the decision privatly and support him. If it doesn't work out in the end - he is going to need your love and support - not an I TOLD YOU SO... I am not sure this will help you but I thought I would give you a little insight to what your son might be feeling... My husband and I are wonderfully in love and don't see it changing at all. (we also have a two year old son together) sometimes what you think impossible is actually possible!

We were all young once and some do change as we grow. Give her a chance. Don't close your eyes but atleast she admits to not having the greatest history but she is not lying and trying to hide it either.

Herpes should not be the reason for them not getting married. Did she say she had promiscuous background or did you just assume b/c she had herpes? You can get it many other ways Bathrooms, shared clothes etc. But you can also live a normal life with it...

Just ask for time so they can grow together. They are both still babies. There is no rush to get married they are both so really young.

I have had herpes since I was 19 years old. I am now 46. I have been married for my husband almost 11 years and thank God have never given it to him. I do have to work at it. Whenever I even think I may have an outbreak we obstain. I do believe that there are medications for it now, however, if you manage it the problem seems minor. I don't know how you would talk to her, but she has to tell him and allow him to make the decision about taking on the risk. Plus she needs to tell the doctor when (or if) she ever gets pregnant. Other than that it is really not a huge problem. Hope that helped.

I think your son is too young to be thinking about marriage. As for the girl, I don't mean to judge, but I think he should move on. She has too much "baggage" for such a young girl. She is in a very serious situation and while he sounds mature, probably not mature enough to realize the stress it will bring for the rest of his life. You sound like a great MOM. You and your husband should just sit him down and have a long serious talk about it.

My husband of 25 years has had it all that time and so far has not given it to me because he can tell when he might be going to break out and we just abstain, although he hardly ever gets any outbreaks anymore (once every few years).
We do have a child, but my doctor took precautions even though there was no outbreak during that time.
Linda

He is only 19. This is his first serious relationship.

I have to repeat those lines back because I cannot stress enough the importance of waiting before he make such a huge decision, especially with the STD issue. I'm not saying that love like that is not possible at 19, but a man who is very close to me made a decision similar to that at 19, and it "ruined his life". Although there was not an STD involved, the "older woman" has a premiscuous past that also involved drugs. Needless to say, it didn't work out. His advice is that a guy should wait til at least 21 before making that decision. Or, at least until he has had more experience in dating.

Although the girl is entitled to love, that is your son. I know this must be hard.

Your son and his girlfriend should BOTH go to a doctor together and get a complete check up BEFORE they get married. They must be completely honst w/Dr. The doctor will explain everything to them, and most likely give the best advice they could get on this and other questions they may have. They may want to make a list of questions and things they want to ask the Dr. Blesing to you .

I have a close friend who has had to deal with this. I won't go into her details....

I will be frank becasue I imagine that is why you are asking.

He is young and what seems like no big deal today might seem differant in the future.

In some respects it's not a big deal but there is a VERY high chance he will get it. And not to be crude but condoms arent' the only thing he will need to be careful about. There are other acts in which he can catch it and in other places on ones body. BUT there are some simple guidlines that can be followed so it's not passed. He would need to talk to a Dr.

This will also effect how they will have children. I am sure she is aware of that. It's no big deal but once again...talk to a Dr.

If she is the one then she is the one and this is soemthing they can live with but I would advise him to wait a few years before making that choice. Because it's simply not just about a life with condoms. It's about a life with GH. Those "rules" that they would have to follow they will always have to follow. He might feel differant in a few years when the first buds of romace wears off and the reality of it all seeps in.

My friend is happily married but her hubby contracted it becasue she didn't know she had it. She had no symptoms. So even if you think you are being safe there will always be a risk.

Your son's commitment to Christ is for him to work out, I've been a Christian for 25 years have 4 children and 1 grandson, seems to me, her past should remain in the past, with Christ that's where it stays, I'm sure those issues belong to them, not you, speaking from personal experience, let them work out their relationship with Christ, and eachother. Pray for them, but let it go.

L.,

I think it is great that you want to make sure that your son thinks through all the consequences of choosing to marry her. I personally know someone who has this condition, but was able to have a vaginal birth. As far as I can tell, she has a GREAT marriage. And just stating the condition of your son's girlfriend and being concerned about your son and his future is NOT judgemental! You're being a wise and loving mom! Good for you!

Blessings,
M.
Mom to 5 Wonderful Kids
www.4MyChildrenSake.com

That is a tough situation. However, your son is 19. He is an adult, so the decision is his. The fact that his girlfriend has been open about her past and condition shows quite a bit of character and that she does care for your son. The fact that he is researching the subject also shows that your son is concerned and is taking responsibilty for his wellbeing. Hopefully , he will trust in the facts and the truths you point out versus just believing that God has healed her- that is what scares me here. I am a Christian and former youth leader. His view, if it is what you say it is, is a little warped. You are correct that there is no medical cure for this disease- only treatment. I do not believe that the girlfriend not being cured is God's will. God, just like you wants the very best for His children. People are the cause of the transmission of this disease. God did not give her herpes and he will not take it away- unless through medicine we find that cure. As a parent, I would want to know that my child fully understood this fact.

Personally, I would continually support your son and his realtionship. Herpes is not a tragedy,and is manageable- there are much bigger trials that couples face daily. I am 36 years old and newly married. I spent many years looking for that special someone, not to mention someone my family liked, and that my church would approve of. As a result, I spent many years alone and was very critical of the men I dated. It took me along to time to truly love someone and let myself be loved - all our faults and shortcomings included. If your son and his girlfriend are being open, honest, and including God in their relationship with each other - Kudos to them! They are far ahead of most. You can be proud of them for this - be sure they know!

There is a oral medication that can be taken by the person to prevent spread of the infection. I cant remeber what it is called but you can ask your phys. I am sure the Girl's phys. has discussed this with her and she is possibly on it.

tell him not to do anything untill he knows that she has gotten rid of all the dises she has cause he could get it.

buy

Your son is obviously not ready to get married to this woman since he has no problem putting her personal business out. She shared this with him, not you. You are butting in where you don't belong. He needs to grow up. Things that are shared between a husband and wife are private. Maybe he could start to practice this now. If I was his fiance, I would be deeply hurt and disappointed about this violation.