Need Help on Husband Not Pitching in at Home

It sounds like your husband is a great guy and great father. Have you heard the expression, "Don't let the good be the enemy of the perfect"? It means that you've got a very good situation with your husband but you're comparing it to some vision of perfection and getting mad at the guy who is doing a great job. There are fathers who sit and watch sports all day and others who stare at their blackberries all night. I would caution you to appreciate what you DO have, and see if there is a way to adjust something else. Maybe you could do fewer hours at work, or work fewer days. That might take a bit of stress off.

Don't piss off a good guy! You may regret it!!!

Good luck!
M.

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There are few moms out there who don't feel this way!! After years of arguing about this my hubby and I have discovered that a major part of the problem is that we have completely different ideas about housekeeping. He admits he enjoys the house being MY idea of clean and well run but says how to get it is a complete mystery to him! This is the reason he will be on his butt playing on the laptop if I have not assigned him a chore. I have started keeping a to do list and delegating tasks. I never delegated before this because I didn't want to be a nag and I'm not his mother but it turns out he's been awaiting instructions all this time sheeesh!

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Good Morning M.: Having been married -even went to the Sr. Ball with my husband for 40 years and the mother of 5,I just want to give you something to thnk about.
You are a blessed woman for many reasons.1. you have a husband that loves you both, and does alot to help 2. you have a job when so many don't 3. you are wise enough to recognize that you have feelings and are over whelmed and really just need some help.
You would be surprized of the men who would never help in anyway & the woman does everything. My husband worked, went to school, & was very active in our church and didn't have much time left over so all of it went into his children. They adored him then and still do. But he didn't have timeto always help me on a daily basis with the regular stuff. I am not complaining so don't get me wrong he was 100% there for the children and was a wiz at fixing problems. But any cleaning, painting,maintance was up to me. BUT that said; if one child was ill he stayed up all night to sing ,walk,call the doctor,or rock the child til comforted, he always got the baby for me at night when it needed fed because then I could nurse.
So what I am saying is each marriage is important and balanced does not always mean 50-50 on things done. Try and find ways to ease the burden of the expectations on yourself. You don't have to be perfect and not everything needs done all at once or on time. The laundry won't run away if its not washed,dry & put away all on monday.
I have told each of my daughter-in-laws because I do love them andrespect them. "Honey, if my son is happy and the children are happy sweetheart I'd consider the house clean until you can only cook one cupcake at a time in the oven".Then call me and I will come and help. One of the those women is a type A and perfectionist--but now she is just happy to enjoy her family ( both work long hours themselves). One daughter's husband just does nothing at all. He feels it's all the woman's duty. Except when it comes to the garage or yard. I have to keep my mouth shut. I have one son in law that came from a hugh family and he does more than my daughter because he is faster at it. So I have seen it both ways.
Are you getting your time with your husband? When your little one can be left with someone I hope that you will still date and learn about one another so that you can blow up and talk with out fighting and being hurt.
I am so glad that you verbalized your feelings and found a way to express it , now go and find a kinder way to talk and get his help and consider his feelings as well.
To give you something to laugh about - smile- once when it all got to much I just went on strike. Went to bed and read books even watched tv. When the kids came in & wanted something I held up my sign Mom on Strike when dad got called and told somethings wrong with mom, he came home asked a dumb question like what's wrong-I held up my sign, so when he smiled i tossed it at him & missed. But the kicker was when the kids asked "where's dinner" I just said I don't know it didn't come past me-- lets go look for it. We had a great time looking for it and dad finally went and made something-- I don't even remember what. We all laugh about it now but I made my point. Good Luck, Nana G

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A marriage, with or without children should be a partnership. Partnership doesn't mean that everything is divided equally all the time, but it does mean that when one feels tired the other picks up the slack. Here are some general tricks that we do at our house. If I cook, he cleans up and if I give baths, he reads and puts the kids to bed. If I wash and dry clothes, he folds and puts them away. Sometimes we both do these things together, but we always try and balance each other out. Women have a tendency to take on a lot and only say something when they are tired and frustrated. Don't let it get to that point. Talk to him. Call him on his way home and let him know that you had a very stressful day, full of running around with errands, etc...
Just because you are in the office doesn't mean you aren't tired. Physical labor can be tiring, but mental labor drains your mind and can cause sever exhaustion too. They are both work and both can cause stress and exhaustion, that's a fact.
I will say, he sounds like a good guy, he helps out and that's a good start. Keep a positive attitude, but let him know that you appreciate all that he does and that you would like a little more balance in your lives.

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Since you both work, I suggest hiring a housekeeper.

Meanwhile, know that you will ALWAYS do more than he does. So if possible, try not to resent it too much. I know it's hard, but women and men are just different that way. Guys think: "I've worked X number of hours today, so I deserve a break." Women think: "X, Y and Z need to be done, and I'm not taking a break till they're done."

Be happy if he's a good dad to your kids. That's the main thing.

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Hi there,

I have a 16 month old, and I have lived this scenario. I know we don't have enough money to hire anyone to do anything to help, so I can suggest some things that work for us. I may not have a solution for you, but I do know that keeping score can be really destructive, so a comparison list sounds like a bad idea to me. My husband & I have had plenty of disagreements about who's doing more, and one night we concluded that we both are "doing more" at one point or another because raising a child is EXHAUSTING! I think telling him he's not doing enough won't be successful because his head is filled with the list of things he does all day long, and he's really tired too. Maybe a softer approach like suggesting that you share or alternate some of each of your responsibilities can be helpful. To "even" things out, maybe he can take over the tasks that would help give you a breather, or even the ones he might enjoy. Like "Honey, I really think it would be great for you to put Laban to bed a few nights a week so you can bond alone while I get a break during my afternoon to night marathon. That time would really help me out when I feel I just can't make it through." Then suggest that you will do some yard work or whatever. I know that's not exactly a break, but at least you have some alone time with some plants. Sometimes the alone time is what I need, even if I'm weeding the garden. We find alternating some of those things helps us appreciate what each of us does. If that doesn't fly, the you might just have to repeat what you said before, but not during a fight. Go to him and say, right now I can't sustain the way we are working out the schedule. Not - you aren't helping, but I need help. There is a difference in these two approaches. Good luck!

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Obviously, I don't have ALL the details, but I would have been HAPPY if my husband did all that when my kids were that age--they are 7 & 9 now. It sounds like your husband could probably help out around the house more with some daily clean-up and a couple of the major jobs like floors, bathroom, dusting. Make a list of EVERYTHING that needs to get done and how often--daily, weekly, bi-weekly, monthly.Be realistic about the frequency. I would love to have the bathrooms thoroughly cleaned every week , but really every other is good. Include the things he and you already do. You can ask him which he'd like to be primarily repsonsbile for and/or on a monthly or weekly basis switch chores. If you both agree to spend 10-15 minutes every night after your son is in bed picking up around the house, then it goes much faster. If you're doing it at the same time, there is less resentment. Hope this helps!

You forgot the part when you are exhausted from all you do, he wants a quickie at the end of the night. The anger and the resentment is enough to make you want to scream. You described my household to a tee. My husband sat at a desk all day, then came home and sat again. I did most everything because he said I was a stay at home mom and it was "my job" to do the house stuff and the kids. Our sex life turned into a once-a-month obligation. He just didn't get it. Try trading days with the night time duties. One thing my husband did was the dishes. I cooked the meal and he did the dishes. Not all the time but enough.

It sounds to me like your husband helps out quite a bit. But it also sounds like you are still overwhelmed. You should sit down with him and go over all the household duties and let him know what you feel you would like for him to pick up in the evening. I finally had to tell my husband that he either had to do the dishes or take care of baths because I couldn't do it all by myself.

keeping score destroys relationships. we won't do the same amount of work all the time, but hopefully we are all doing the best and most we can.

that being said, bedtime can be real funtime for dads! what about trading of the bedtime routine, or you get jammies and teeth and he reads the book and puts to bed (the fun part, but at least you get a little ME time while they are busy)

women are wired to go and go and go. its ok, as long as you know how to decompress and pamper yourself.

My thoughts are to sit down with your husband and have a positive talk. Maybe do the house cleaning on the weekend and have him help you... or have someone come in once every other week and clean and you two could keep it up the rest of the time. I must say that he does seem to do his share with your son... there are so many husbands that wouldn't even do that much.

We don't have kids at home, but my husband works shorter hours than me and he does all the cleaning and fixes dinner most of the time. I do the laundry on the weekends... I am truly spoiled.

You are feeling the stress of motherhood. Own it. It's okay.

It sounds like you both are doing a lot, yet you need to have a conversation about needs. Maybe he needs some down time when he walks in, so he can unwind from the laborious job. You have to workout a system together.

Seems like the mornings run smoothly.What if you could be off in the morning, totally? I used to pack my daughter's school food, clothes, etc. the night before. In the morning, I'd put her food and clothes bag by the door.

It's tough, but if you talk about each of your needs, you'll have a better understanding of what each needs and be able to create a plan. Sometimes it is easier knowing you are expected to be one and appreciating when you're off.

For example, 5-6 a.m. is me time. I help no one. It's all about me. 6-7 is about family getting out the door. Everyone knows this and respects it....most of the time.

Talk to each other,
Stephanie

One suggestion. Try to go one week (7 whole days) noticing ONLY what he does do, instead of noticing and being grumpy about the things he doesn't do. You have a good man, no need to wreck a good marriage by harping on the things he doesn't do just because you feel you do more than he does. (He probably feels he does more than you do too but is kind enough not to pick on you about it - like mine does.)

Just let go, enjoy him, enjoy your family, and if something doesnt get done till tomorrow (or next week) what is the big deal? Be glad you're not doing it all by yourself as a single mom.

I think you could use a break, like a vacation, or a regular date night with your husband, something like that. You are tired and need to recharge your batteries.

You've gotten a lot of good responses but one more point of view - it's easy for people to say to be happy he helps as much as he does but when you're tired and he's just hanging out while you're still cleaning, believe me, I know how frustrating it is. My kids are older now so at least know for one, it'll get better. So this isn't forever. And two, while it's frustrating, I've worked on acceptance. My husband for one doesn't care if the house is as neat as I do so I take ownership for when I'm almost creating work (from his point of view.) That's my choice and I can't blame him. I also remember that sometimes it's not a matter of one person not doing enough - there's just so much work and so little time! So in a way it's the situation versus the person. Make sure you differentiate sometimes. Finally, if at all possible, pay for services, those Dream Dinner places etc. I believe in giving up material things at this point in exchange for services. And while like I said, it's frustrating, know you're not alone and at least he's better than most. Iron out a schedule to make things a bit better but know it may never be 50/50. That's why despite having a fantastic father, I appreciate my mom a bit more these days! My sister says moms get repaid later in a different way...

Unfortunately for you, you are going to feel exhausted for a few more years. There is always a lot to do and not enough hours in the day. Sometimes it is better for your sanity to allow things to be cluttered and take that few minutes for yourself, I know from experience that you feel much more stressed all the time if you are constantly worring about clutter, you feel like no one else helps. Ask your husband to take some time on the weekend, after you both have had some rest, to help pick things up. It takes time to learn to let things go and try to relax but you need to do it.
It does sound like your husband is helping out even though you don't feel that he is doing enough, it is a big help for dads to keep the little ones busy while you are cooking (even if they just watch tv together), and if he takes care of the outside while you clean the inside then you are working together just not on the same project.
Remember to breathe and take a few minutes for yourself, that is what the husbands do when they get home from work and we think they are being lazy.

No, you're not overreacting. Men think they can do one thing and should receive a gold medal for it. He needs explicit instructions on what to do and when to do it. So put him to work, but make sure you put out. There is a direct correlation between the two. Good luck.

I thought I was the lucky one because my husband occasionally helps with the dishes. He does do a few other things, but that too is occassionally. Your husband does a lot. It seems hard because your son is 2 and needs a lot of attention as far as entertaining and taking care of. It will get better and that I can promise you. Try and figure out ways that you can make things easier for you. Can you take a power nap anytime when you get home? that often works for me. Easy dinner recipies. Dinners cooked in advanced on the weekends, (my friend does this, she is a single mom and works as a nurse, crazy hours). Ask your husband if he can clean up after dinner while you take your son a bath, or the other way around. He can play with him while he bathes and you cook. Sometimes I will tell my husband to pick, clean or take the kids a bath and it gets done at the same time. I hope things work out, you really do have a good thing going for you and you need to stop and appreciate that. Always tell him thank you for the things that he is doing, a lot of times he will do more knowing that you appreciate him.

Good luck and God bless.

Good Morning M.,
I have to admit as I read your request, I felt as though I was reading about my own life. I too felt overwhelmed and exhausted most of the time. I felt that much of taking care of our son's needs and the household responsibility rested upon my shoulders. No matter what I said or how much I said it, my husband just didn't get it. I found that trying to talk with him only resulted in things getting heated because I felt he was wasn't even trying to see it from my perspective. Ultimately, I sat down and wrote him a long heart-felt letter outlining and detailing my frustrations and daily job, mommy and wife functions. It helped to be able to get it all out and I think it gave him a better sense of what I had been trying to say. Don't get me wrong, he did not all of a sudden change over night, but we at least began to work on it.

I think this just happens because we are raised with normative ideas about gender roles (sorry I'm a grad student and I'm not trying to be pretentious). I think you and your husband need to have a sit down, not out of anger and honestly let him know that you need help it these areas. Yes he does that other stuff and that is to be acknowledged but at the same time the shared duties should not be limited. My husband and I check in once in a while (usually like at least once a month) to see how we are doing. And honestly I know that we do equal amounts of stuff, it's just sometimes I get tired of doing the things like grocery shopping and dishes and laundry. For me I don't need him to do it all the time but sometimes I want to be the one to put the baby to bed, not wash the dishes.

Maybe if you try to rotate, have him do groceries on a Saturday instead of you doing it at lunch so you can have some leisure time instead of errands. Maybe you could offer do do some of his chores like a swap.

Also my husband and I both agree to call for our "own" time meaning that I will take the baby for an afternoon and vice versa so that we each get some time to ourselves as well. That time just makes you a better mama.

Please go get and read the proper care and feeding of husbands by Dr. Laura. I think it will enlighten you. Good luck.

I haven't read all your responses, and it looks like you're getting lots of advice, but my first thought is: Offer To Trade Chores With Your Husband.

For one week, you be super mom in the morning, then go to work, and come home and do yard work and maintenance on the weekends. Let your husband know the things you do every day (errands included) and at the end of the week, have an honest discussion with each other about who needs to do more, or if the balance feels right after all.

I hate to say this - sounds normal to me. I always get less sleep than my husband. He travels alot and therefore jet lagged. I work full time. I work in a hospital so I work a combination of 8 or 11 hour days, 16 hour nights or 8 or 24 hour weekend shifts. I don't think i know of anyone whose husband does half the work of the children, cooking, housework, etc. See what you can decrease. For me I got a housekeeper - made a huge difference on how I felt about the house and I was a lot less resentful. From what you wrote - a two year old doesn't need a bath every night. Maybe there other things you can do less frequently. The family won't remember things a little less well done. Your being mad/angry all the time will effect how the family functions. Good luck.

People often think that what a person does for a living denotes who works harder. His work is physically harder and your work is mentally harder, both are exhausting at the end of the day.
Everyone needs to unwind when they make the transition from work to home, including you. Ask your husband to take over bathing, pj's and story time 3 to 4 nights a week. It will give you a breather and give your son and daddy a new way to bond. If that small change in your routine goes off without a hitch, then I believe other future changes will also happen effortlessly. Please give your hubby simple instructions on your son's bedtime routine, then step back and let the two of them develop their own personal style. That is very important for their male future together. I promise, it will be different than your style. That is very good indeed!

Home is the female domain. It sounds like you have already set it up to run smoothly. Now you need to deligate some of the chores to your husband and eventually to your children. The way you set it up will leave lasting memories for your children and future grandchildren to come home to.

Work together, start with simple changes, and count your blessings.

M.,
Why don't you get both of them involved in helping with the dinner clean up? I realize that your son is only two, but now is a great time to start things like that with him. I truly wish I had made my kids start things much younger than I did.
W. M.

Hi M.,

I just wanted to write because we share similar schedules. My DH too gets my son (who is 19months old) ready in the morn and drops him off at daycare. You already have a lot of good responses.
Just wanted to add..I've had to let some things go. My house is no longer perfect. This may or may not work for you, but I've found that sharing chores with DH after we put DS to sleep makes me feel better, be it cleaning up the kitchen/getting ready for the next day. Don't make it so much about working as much as that you are doing something together, talking about your day, etc. This way we end up finishing the *basic* tasks sooner and we both get an hour to relax at the end of the day and I don't feel as overwhelmed...plus he has an idea of what is involved :) Not always feasible...but it works on most days.

Good luck.

I like Toni's list, and also the housekeeper suggestion. Here is another way of approaching the situation: maybe you can get a yard service, which might free your husband's time/energy for some other chores. I have found that my husband will do almost any chore, but he is inconsistent (without really knowing it). One of the things that I most like to delegate to him is the grocery shopping. If I make a good list, it's no problem for him. (He's in a similar line of work as your husband...I think it is pretty tiring, especially if outdoors in the sun. Sometimes he even falls asleep when he gets home!)
Also, look for ways to reduce your work load, simplify your household...you can get takeout food 2 or 3 days a week, if you can afford it. This means more trash/recycling and more money, but less clean up, and less time planning for/purchasing for/cooking meals.

Sigh. Boy have I fought this battle, especially in the early years of our marriage (living together 15 years). Some people would look at the deal you've worked out with your husband and think that you have a good thing - he really does pitch in when a surprising number of men don't do anything. But even when they do some chores, they regard it as "helping" you as opposed to doing their fair share. I used to really get mad because I felt like "equal" meant doing exactly the same thing. Over the years, we have figured out that equivalent (doing things that have the same value, but are not exactly the same) works better for us.

Obviously if you are feeling resentment, then this deal isn't working for you and the two of you need to work out a new deal. The fact that he does share some of the domestic responsibilities means that he is probably willing to have this talk.

I recommend looking at the list of household/family responsibilities and redistributing them according to how much effort they take for each of you. Instead of taking turns doing the same chore, you figure out how much effort it is for each of you and the one for whom it is less effort takes it on. Don't worry about counting each item: he does one thing, you do one thing. Instead think about how much energy they take--three things sometimes equal one thing.

For instance, taking my 2 yr old son to daycare. I am not a morning person and my office in is the house. So getting dressed and out of the house is very time consuming and disruptive to my work day. And my son cries when I leave him at daycare. My husband, on the other hand, usually has morning appointments out of the house. It is no big deal for him to drop our son off at daycare on the way to whatever he is doing. And our son doesn't cry at all when Daddy leaves him there. So I hate doing it, but my husband doesn't mind at all. Same chore, but different amounts of effort.

Making dinner is another example. I am a pretty good cook and like cooking. I can throw together a nice dinner for 3 in 15-45 minutes including cooking time and setting the table. The late afternoon is my husband's low energy point. He is capable of cooking but it takes him much longer and he doesn't enjoy it. He gets very self-conscious and worries that I don't like what he makes. He really loves having me cook for him. It makes him feel cared for.

Finding these kinds of solutions, where you both win, takes a little bit of work and lots of realistic self-evaluation. But if you can figure out a balance that works for you, the effort is really worthwhile.

Even though we have a good balance, I am still exhausted at the end of every day. Bone-tired. It isn't anybody's fault, I just have a busy life. Being tired at the end of the day just means that I have been living right and working hard. Becoming a mom has been a big change in my life. My time isn't just mine any more. I made the choice to become a mom, and part of that choice was accepting that things would be different for a while. One of my aunts told me that she and her husband had to reinvent their marriage for each of their two children. Having kids changes everything for both of you.

I work also from 700-330 and he is a driver for plumbing and he says the samething you are lucky he doesn't do anything except play with her and a battle to do ANYTHING I don't see anything wrong be lucky he is even doing that good luck I wish my husband would do something looks like yours is

It sounds like my husband except he doesn't work in construction but he does work physically all day.
I finally said that I am not happy and I need more help from you WITH THE CHORES.. not our son, with the chores.
I explain to him why I am feeling this way. Our fight was huge as well and of course most men the first thing they feel deprived of is sex. Well I pointed it out to mine, how I am too tired because I have done ............ everynight so excuse me if I am exhausted.
I have finally learned (or really heard) what others have been saying... men need US to tell them What we need help on. I personally think its a crock because I feel it's their house they should see what else needs to be done but their vision is different then ours. So now we are getting better at discussing things. Mine too thinks that just because I sit behind a desk that I don't work hard. Just because they work hard physically doesn't mean that we don't work hard mentally..
Please feel free to email me anytime.

Dear M.,
Every woman I know has felt this same way, whether they work outside the home or not. A lot of it stems from being tired and feeling over-whelmed and the truth is, there's never an exact 50-50 sharing of everything that needs to be done. I does sound like your husband does quite a bit compared to many husbands I've known.
Your feelings are very valid, and once resentment sets in, it can be a really bad situation.
My advice is to talk to your husband, but not when you're feeling stressed out and exhausted. Maybe after you've put the baby to bed and things are quiet, just say, "I need you to know that I've been feeling tired and stretched too thin some days and I don't mean to snap at you. I appreciate everything you do. Some days I feel overwhelmed and I just want to talk to you about it." Don't put him on the defensive, just stick to how you're feeling and be prepared to listen to how he feels too. And, have a couple of things specific in mind that he could do to maybe help you. Men are not mind readers.
For instance, maybe in the evenings, you both clean up the kitchen and dinner dishes together. It will make it go by so much more quickly and leave more play time with your son or even a nice stroll before bath and bed-time. (I know a couple who were married 60 years and they did the dishes together every single night, even through raising two kids. When the kids were old enough, they helped clear the table, take out the trash, etc, but Dad washed the dishes and Mom dried and put them away. It was their time in the kitchen together, their ritual). Maybe while you're doing the dishes, he can be getting laundry out of the dryer, folding it and putting it away and throwing another load in. That's something even your son can "help" Daddy with. Those are just some suggestions, but even little things like that might really help you.
One thing you don't want to do is just let your feelings build up without being clear what would make you feel better. I have a good friend who is always upset with her husband because she feels he doesn't do enough and thinks he should just be able to look around and see what needs to be done. (Men aren't wired that way). When he does take the initiative, it's almost never the way she wanted it done so she'll tell him to never mind, she'll just do everything herself. She's hoping he'll "hear" that the towels were supposed to go on the bottom shelf, when what he hears is what she said..."Never mind. I'll do it myself." You don't want to fall into that. You're a team. Working together doesn't always mean things are equal. My best friend's husband does ALL the cooking. She's not a good cook, she doesn't like it and they'd live on frozen burritos for all she cares. But, he is an excellent cook and really enjoys it. He plans out the menus and does the grocery shopping and cooking. She's the one who enjoys being outside and doing the yardwork. They figured out 20 years ago that's what works for them and that's how they do it.
Just communicate with your husband and don't wait until you're mad and it all comes spilling out. No yelling. No pointing fingers. And don't forget to say thank you for the things he does to help.

I wish you the very best.

P.S. Another thing I want to say is....
Be very careful making lists of things for your husband to do so he feels like he's on a "star chart" like your 2 year old.
My sister, who I love with all my heart and soul but she's a bit of a control freak, tried that with her husband, and they damn near got a divorce over it. One of my best friends who is a teacher gave her husband a daily list and chart to follow. The "chore chart" thing...Think twice. Both men refused to do anything on the lists or charts because they did not want to be treated like one of the children. Some men may respond positively to it, but in my experience, they don't appreciate it, however well it may be intentioned.
I'm just saying I've never personally seen it work in a positive way. Having a family calendar to keep track of medical appointments, daycare or changes in work schedules is one thing. Unless a husband asks for the benefit of having his day scheduled for him, I would advise against going there.

To be honest M. - I think you have it way better than I will ever have. Your husband works, cleans, plays and takes care of his child. My child's father sits at home, doesn't clean without being forced to and says he is so tired when I get home from an 8-5 job that he just trots off and lays down. What the heck does he do all day? Play with the baby and take 2 1/2 hr naps. Yeah - that is hard work. So - before you bite your hubby's head off, think about the fact that yes, his work is hard labor. Then at home he still does hard labor outside. Our work inside, paying bills, etc., is menial compared to what he is doing and yes it appears sometimes that you should have more help but do it together like you do in the morning. If you ask him to spend time with you while you are finishing up at night or sit down with you when you read to your child then you can make it into a family event and everyone wins including your child.
Good luck to you. All I can say is value the person who is hard working because there are not many of them out there anymore.
T.

Hi M.-

You may not want to hear this, but you actually seem to get more help from hubby than a lot of us did (or do) - and well deserved!.

My suggestion is to make a list of every chore you and he do (by yourself at first) and assign a "difficulty" or "time consuming" factor to it. Once it is on paper, put it away and re-visit it in a couple of days and modify - what you forgot, how hard the job is, etc.

When you really feel that you have a handle on what each of you do on a regular day to day basis, set aside a time when you can share this info and if you feel you are doing too much have some specific suggestions of what you could put on his plate or trade for something that fits your schedule better than something you are currently doing. Another idea is to rotate some chores - like he shops one week and you shop the next, or maybe rotate the times, like he does mornings 3 days and evenings 2 nights or something like that. The fact is after working a full day and running errands at lunch, the evening chores are being done by a tired out person, not a person with the energy of the morning. It also prevents "us time" with him until you are really exhausted, so rotating might be good. (Make him want to have a more energetic you after junior is bedded down!)

The good news is that he does help. The awkward news is that he doesn't feel what your routine is doing to you. Until he does, he'll resent your resentment and communication will dwindle. What if he cleaned up after dinner while you did bath or vice versa? What if he set aside weekend time to watch youngster so you could shop and maybe you could work out at lunch time instead of running errands? What if he traded story time and you could do the kitchen then and get the whole "play, bath, story" scenario on an earlier schedule?

You've got the makings of a helpful mate, so good luck!

I think you are very blessed to have a husband that does all those things.

M.,
How about suggesting you sit down one evening to make a daily chore/parenting tasks schedule. Insist that you both work together to GET THE SAME AMOUNT OF SLEEP each night. Possibly trade off kitchen cleaning/watching baby every other day and accept his way of cleaning even if it's not up to your own standards.
Good luck!!
G.

Dear M.,

I sometimes feel the same way! My husband is GREAT with the kids and plays with them a lot, but only when he isn't too tired. He thinks he is doing enough because I stay home with them so I am responsible for the housework. He will do laundry, mop, dishes, etc., but only when it has really piled up or when something he needs is not clean. It is very frustrating! So, I don't have a solution, but I feel for ya! I like Toni's idea of presenting the list...

Best wishes from one tired mommy to another...

Hi M. -

I just had to respond because you are describing my situation almost exactly. I don't have any answers for you except you are not alone in how you feel. I know I should make a bigger effort to explain to my husband how I feel, but don't have the energy for it, so things remain the same.
Basically, I've just learned to let it go. I do the things I do because I want them done now. I could wait for him or the kids (2 boys, 9 and 6) to do it, but I don't have the patience.

Good Luck to you!

lol - you and your husband sound like me and mine, M.!!!! i could have written the same post :)
i think we both have fabulous husbands who are also great dads, and we ourselves are wonder-women! :)
one of the facts of the matter is that women are better multi-taskers: we evolved this way!!! this is why we can do our jobs, take care of the home AND still handle the bills and shopping, etc.!
two things:
1. if he is willing to do things if you ask him, then once in awhile ask him to do the dishes! once in awhile ask him to read the bedtime story to your son and then you'll still tuck your son in, too! asking for help doesn't mean that you can't do it, but those tiny breaks will mean a lot to you and your husband will feel good for doing "extra" to help you out
2. men aren't always very good at showing their appreciation for all we do... us ladies are good about asking how their day was, etc. or we feel that cooking for our fellas shows OUR appreciation, but the fact is that both sides could show more appreciation for the other. i told my husband flat out that i needed signs of his appreciation and, though he is sporadic about verbalizing it, i now have fresh flowers on the table regularly!

so, i'd have a light-hearted talk with your fella to make sure that he is willing to help out here and there when you're feeling particularly overwhelmed or stressed, let him know what a huge difference it would make to you to know that he will help with some little things occasionally, when asked. and, have another light-hearted talk with him about how he might like YOU to show YOUR appreciation of HIM, and let him know how YOU would like some appreciation shown...have a husband/wife brainstorming session on how to turn your resentments around into a mutual-admiration-society that nurtures you both and boosts you up because you're both so darn fabulous!
best of luck, you guys sound totally normal and wonderful and you're going to be just fine :)
lotsa love and support,
S.

Sounds like he does a good job to me.

Hi M.,

Being a working mother, is very exhausting. You are discovering that. I'm sorry you're so tired, and I hate to say this.......but it's normal.

It actually sounds like your hubby helps out ALOT during the day, and maybe it doesn't seem like enough, but I think you get more out of him than most moms get out of their hubby's :O)

My advice is, be direct with him. Lovingly tell him you're overwhelmed, and you would love it if he did _____________ for a week for you. Give him an assigned chore after dinner, and pick a good time for him to do it. I bet he will do it without an argument. It's your "approach" that will determine the outcome.

Everything will work out, M.. This is a normal part of life adjusting with a baby. We all need to figure out how to "do it all". Eventually, you will find your routine, and decide what chores are priorities, and which one's can wait. It can take awhile to adjust, so try to be patient with yourself :o)

~N. :O)

Hi M.,

I am a 36 yrs old mother with a 18 mos old son. My husband and I are both self employed. My husband does share some chores with me. He does what your husband does. But, every night he washes our son and I put him to bed 5 times a week. Then I wash him twice a week and he puts him to bed. You can maybe suggest that he helps you put your son to sleep at least twice a week so he gets use to daddy putting him to sleep if you should want to have night out. It is already overwhelming to take care of your child and fighting with your spouse is not helping either. If my husband does not want to do certains thing. Then I am glad do it. After all he is my mine son. Good luck.

You are luckier than a lot of us! But I tell my daughters it is the 21st century and men are & should be helping more. My husband in construction, he is so beat after 8 hrs in the summer heat. So take stock of what you have, what you'd like changed, and COMPROMISE. Trust me, the housework will wait. That was so hard for me to learn, but now I just let it go.
I myself work out if the house, and truth be told, my job & wages have never met his, and have been somewhat scorned over the years. I don't care because I know MY TIME is equally valuable no matter the wage. One half of amarriage is NOT more important, but it IS never 50-50, marriage. Try not to keep score. I can also tell you that there are ams when i just wanna choke him: he only has to get up, use bathroom, pack cooler and leave!!!While I have laundry, kitchen, kids, pets etc and go to work. He has NO daily chore whatsoever except to get to work. This is 21 yrs in so too late to change now. Still, the resentment can be a killer to choke down and then it blows wide open. Ugly. But with men, it is still true to just need them without the ugly. Tell him, I need you to _______________, can you do it for me? If said sweetly, you will probably get what you want, and retrain him as well.
But sweetheart you are singing the wifey song,we all know it BY HEART! best bet: realize it is a day you dont like hubby, shut mouth to him and talk with your galpals. Thats what we ole ladies do (: For real: we actually say to each other: I hate my husband (sometimes family) today! We all know it is temporary anyway, but feels so good to vent and get back on drudge duty.

Hi M.! I can honestly tell you that 99% of all my friends can absolutely agree with you-men need to help more! My situation is a little different than yours, I'm a SAHM however... my hubby has 3 or 4 days off a week but I am the one responsible for 99% of everything from mowing the lawn to picking up his dishes off of the table to putting the kids to sleep to doing our finances!! I have the same complaint as you trust me! One thing I have come to realize is that men have a completely different priority in life!! Women are worried about fine details where men are worried about the big picture (fine details include the big picture, that's what they don't get)! Lately my husband has changed for some reason, he is a little more in tune with me and he does try to help with the kids a little more, I'm sort of attributing that to us going back to church just recently, no other changes have happened. My best advice to you is sit down with your hubby and explain to him how tired and overworked you are. I just read in a magazine where a husband and wife traded "days off". Mon and Wed were the moms days off and tues and thurs were the dads days off. On the days on the mom would cook, clean-up and put kids to bed and dad would have his night to relax and then vice-versa. For me, the hardest part is getting hubby to agree that there's a problem in the first place then getting him to agree on a solution! I'm not sure this will help, but I wish you luck!..I wish us all luck! ( :

It seems like he helps from what you wrote. Sometimes we can need a break and that alone makes us think our men are not doing enough. If he is getting all that done in the morning then working a construction job and still taking care of the yard work etc. you have it good girl! Mail the bills, make simple, easy clean up meals at least 3 nights a week,and then take a few hours during the weekend for just you. Go to dinner with friends or go get nails and feet done. You have a good man there. Mine would not do anything other than some yard work and pay the bills when my kids were small. Good luck!

C.

Hi M.,
It sounds like your husband is doing a lot already,you just need more help. It's great that he is playing with your son in the evening, what a blessing, he's actually choosing wisely in investing in your son. Rather than telling him he's not doing enough, which will just make him resentful, why not address the fact that you both work hard and need more help? Hire someone to come in once a week, or twice a month to take care of your house. Sometimes ladies get together and do group cooking, setting up a menu that will last a month and can be prepared easily. That might be an option for you. The bottom line is that it's not that he's not doing his share, but that you BOTH need help so that you won't end up resentful of a "wonderful loving man who is great with his son". Once you rename the problem you should both be able to find some reasonable solutions. j
Blessings to you and your family, although it sounds like you are already incredibly blessed.

wow, if I didn't know better I would have thought I wrote that; only I work 7:30-4:30 and I get my son up and dressed in the morning too.
I have no answer either, when I bring it up he thinks I am calling him lazy, which I am not. Like you I would just like a little more help. I just don't think my DH gets it.
Best of luck!!!!

You are a very blessed woman to have the help from him that you do. Construction work is very hard physical work esp out in this heat. I think you should be happy you have a good husband who loves you and helps as he does. You are both giving 100%. So many working women now have a housekeeper who cleans the house so they have less to do at home and can enjoy thier families more. Not me, but many do. Don't ruin a good thing that you have by nagging him. You will drive him away and then be a single Mom with no help. JMO
F.

Hi M.,
Well a lot of people have chimed in so this must be a hot point for a whole lot of marriages. I, too, had gotten wrapped up in the keeping score game for a while. We have 4 kids, ages 7 to 1. I worked full time as a nurse in the ER (talk about hard work!), and he has an office job. I'm currently on disability, so I'm basically a SAHM these days. I am with the kids 24/7 and it gets nerve wracking. As much as I love my children, I need a break every now and then. If making a list in black and white seems like it will work for you, then go for it. Sometimes men need to see it that way for it to make sense. They have a tendency not to be great conversationalists and we women have a tendency to think they should be mind readers. I'll tell you what I'm on disability for, and maybe it will help you. I hadn't been myself for years, and after the birth of my last child, it got much worse. I finally realized I was having a major depressive episode. I'm now on medication and under a psychiatrists care for this. Part of my symptoms were being overwhelmed with life and family and all the work involved with those things. It was excruciating for me to get up every morning and just get the kids cold cereal. I don't mean to suggest you are depressed, but if you keep heading in this direction, you will be. I think you need to decide what it is specifically you want your husband to do more of. What duties would you like him to take on and how often. Men need a specific plan of action, not just a general "I need more help". Let me suggest to you that paying the bills should be one of the things you should let go and have him take care of. For some reason, when the men have to see what it takes to make ends meet, they are much more in tune with the inner workings of the household, like how stressful it is to go grocery shopping on a budget, etc. I would also suggest one of you cooks and cleans up while the other one baths and gets your son ready for bed. You could take turns, or if your husband isn't the cooking type, then he should realize the other duties will always be his. What time do you put your son to bed? My husband and I have found it is very important for our marriage to have the kids in bed by 8, which leaves us time for each other before we pass out. We also pick up the house right after the kids are put to bed so that doesn't have to be done in the morning....and we do that together. I don't know what "clean the house" entails for you, but I have found that the dishes can pile up in the sink for a few days, or mold can grow in the toilet for a few days without the sky falling in. Of course that sounds gross, but it is true. You have to pick your battles. Pick a few things that are very important to you to have done and focus on those things. The other things can wait. Also, if there is any way you can avoid running your errands on your lunch break, I highly recommend it. It just makes you feel more exhausted and frustrated at the end of your work day. Try to make that your alone time. You will have to adjust somewhere else, but I think it will be worth it. My last suggestion as far as an actual conversation with your husband is this. One evening after your son is in bed, ask your husband if you can talk to him for 15 minutes. Give it a time frame and stick with it. If you just say, "we need to talk", he hunkers down and clams up for the long haul. If he knows the conversation will be over in 15 minutes, he'll be much more likely to listen and participate in the conversation. Try to avoid the urge to order him all over the universe. Either pull out your list, if that's what you've chosen, or give him the options you've thought of to make life easier. Make sure he understands that while your currently are frustrated with the way things are, you want them to be better so you can be a better wife and mother. That way he will see it will benefit him, too. Do your best to make sure he knows you appreciate what he does do, also. It all sounds like walking on egg shells, I know. But I'm just telling you what I have learned about men after nearly 10 years of marriage and 4 kids later. Good luck and God bless.

I think that you need to make a list of all the stuff you both do and then decide what you can give up. The house can be dusty and the dishes can pile up a little, however, if you ruin your relationship because you can't let some stuff go, you'll be a single mom doing everything.

And while you are making lists, make a list of all the stuff he does and make another list of all the stuff you appreciate about him. You are a very blessed woman and you need to focus on that all of the time.

The myth that you can have it all is a myth. You have to let something go, and hopefully it is a "thing" and not a person. Your kid will remember the feeling of stress and fighting or he will remember loving parents that were there for him and each other. Good news is you get to choose.

Hi sweet M.,

I hear your pain. It is so hard to have this type of situation when we want our homes to be happy. There is nothing that destroys a marriage faster than anger and resentment. Although not over housework, I almost lost my marriage due to feelings of "unfair" behavior. We both thought we were right and the other was wrong. We would fight over it constantly and NEVER come to an agreement.
We got so close to divorce, I went back to school to get a job and had my homeschooled kids registered in school.
However, with the intervention of the LORD, we both realized the needs of the other and began to change.

There are a couple ways this happened for us. One, I was heavily in prayer and leaning on the Lord. Really, I tell you, daily I would go to my room and cry and pour my heart out to the Lord. How could I continue to serve a man who wasn't reciprocating, showing any affection,(but would show others affection in front of me), ignoring me, ingnoring my needs, a face in the TV 24/7, and then when I tried to tell him how he wasn't meeting my needs,(usually turned into a fight) said he didn't love me anymore? How on earth could this man wrong me so badly and then turn around and want to divorce ME? I'm not the one that did anything wrong!

I asked this of the Lord. I asked him "God, you said that a husband should love his wife and lay down his life for her! How can my 'christian' husband be doing this to me?" and Jesus said to me, "G., I LAID DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU, and do you appreciate it? You don't even love me". WOW! I was humbled. All this time I was focusing on me , and my desires, and how MY HUSBAND was wrong- but God revealed to me I wasn't being loving myself, and that I needed to come back to Jesus. "Seek ye first the kingdom and it's righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:3. I asked the Lord what I needed to do. He said that I needed to serve my husband, no matter what. ARG! BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO! I didn't think he deserved anything extra from me, after all, he wasn't giving anything to me and was torturing me with hate and neglect!
But God's ways are different than our ways. Sometimes they don't make sense to us at the time. They may be so hard to do, but in the end, his way will lead to blessing! He told me to just be patient and do what he said in his word. And when I served, serve as if I was serving Jesus, the one who laid down everything for me. So I did. I served my husband every day in a wifely role (housework, lunches made, dinner made, ironed his clothes, etc)with a smile.. even while my needs wern't being fulfilled and he said he wanted a divorce. I even washed his car for him on Father's day. It was so difficult at times! But God encouraged me, he showed me the way...he took me daily to Biblical passages such as these:

Romans: be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse.

Do not repay evil with evil, but overcome evil with good.

Matthew:
Peter came to Jesus and asked, "How many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? up to seven times?" Jesus answered: "I tell you not seven times, but seventy seven times".

Ephesians:
In your anger do not sin- do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not let the devil get a foothold.

Let only talk come out of your mouth that is helpful in building others up according to thier needs. Get rid of bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, every form of malace. Be kind and compassionate to each other, forgiving eachother just as Christ forgave you.

Be imitators of God and live a life of Love, just as Christ loved us and GAVE HIMSELF UP for us as a sacrifice. (so we too should give ourselves up as a sacrifice)

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Each one of the men must LOVE their wife as he loves himself, and the wife RESPECT the husband.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore if we have the opportunity let us do good to all people" Galatians 6:9

Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive. None should seek his own good but the good of others.

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will recieve what God has promised- hebrews 10:36

In everying thing you do, do it as unto the Lord" If you are serving others, serve as if you are serving the lord, because you are.

"Stand firm; let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor is not in vain" 1 Cor 15:58

Praise the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy, The Lord is my strength and my sheild, My heart trusts in him and I am helped" Psalms 28:6 "Lord God I called to you and you healed me" Psalm 30:2 "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" Ps 34:7 "be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him, do not fret when men succeed in their ways, refrain from anger and turn away wrath. Do not fret, it only leads to evil" ps 37:7

Phillipians -
If you have encouragement from being untited with christ, if any comfort from his love, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like minded, having the same love, being one in purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conciet, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should not only look after your own interests, but the interests of others.
Therefore continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and act in every good purpose. Do everything without complaining or argueing so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God in a crooked and depraved generation.

"good and upright is the Lord, therfore he instructs sinners in His ways, he guides the humble in what is right, and teaches them his way.

Proverbs 31 has an epilouge of 'The Wife of Noble Character' which is a good read.

You see M., even though I felt my husband was wrong, I needed to change my own heart (with the help og God). In doing so, God changed my husband's heart. It was nothing short of miraculous. Our marriage is better than ever now. We don't fight over those old needs and desires anymore. We both realized we were wrong in certain areas, that we both had selfish desires we wanted met(who doesnt? human nature)and that we were hurting the other and not working as a team. The team goal: pleasing god and emulating christ.(and all things fall into place after that).

Can I reccommend some books that got us to a point of blessing?

1.The NIV Study Bible in large print. If you don't have a Bible yet, I encourage you to get one. There is so much wisdom in it.

2. "If He Only Knew, What No Woman Can Resist" by Gary Smalley - for your HUSBAND TO READ.

3."Sacred Influence, What A Man Needs From His Wife To Be The Husband She Wants" Gary Thomas.-for YOU TO READ.

4. "His Needs, Her Needs"

5. "The Love Dare" And along with it, rent or buy the movie "Fireproof". My husband and I went and saw this movie after we had already healed. I was surprised how close it ran to our story. Some of the details were different, but the message to "serve" that led to healing was the same that we went through. I did't use the book 'love dare'like the movie did, I used the Bible as a guide.

My husband needed encouragement to be the man I wanted. I had spent years tearing him down in the name of "helping him" be better. He didn't want to do anything for me anymore, and even got passive-agressive, so that when I asked him to do something he would say yeah, and NEVER do it.
Keeping statements positive will help. I also prayed for my husband out loud. God tells us to call all things as if they were. So I put a hand on his chest or shoulder while we were in bed and prayed things such as this:
"Thank you father God that I have a husband after your own heart. A husband who serves his family and delights in us so. I pray Lord that I can be an encouragement to him, to help him and serve him as he serves our family, and Lord help me to serve you with my whole heart.I want to become more like you. Help me to grow in you Lord. Bless our family Lord. I pray Lord that you bring us closer. In the name of Jesus, Amen". I also prayed for him outloud in the morning before he went to work that he would have a safe day and thanking Jesus that we had a father that went to work everyday to help supply our needs. I put encouraging bible passages in his lunch or sent them to his email.
It took 9 months for us to fully heal. It was a long road. Just hang in there.

"with God all things are possible" !!!!

I am praying for you, that you find peace and life in him as the scriptures reveal themselves to you. God bless,

G.

Dear M.,
You must be overwhelmed with responses! You can feel satisfied that so many other women feel the same way you do.
I'll keep my response brief:
I often feel this way and if I'm very honest with myself (hard to do when you're feeling resentful)I usually feel that way because I don't feel connected with my husband. I don't feel that we're working as a team. Team members inherently understand each other's responsibilities.
If this is the case for you, maybe what's needed is to go out on a date! Forget the house and the crushing pressure of the daily schedule. It won't look as bad when you get home.

On a day-to-day level, though, sounds like you do need some practical solutions. I agree with other Moms that hiring someone to clean house a little could be beneficial. Maybe you could also hire someone to clean up the yard twice a month so your husband has time to relax too?

It also sounds like you need some down time for yourself! Something you can count on. Maybe a mother's group that meets for coffee once a week in the evenings, or a knitting group if you're into that. Let your husband take care of things for one evening a week.

Lastly, perhaps there are one or two concrete things you can identify that your husband could take over for you. Would he pay the bills (a huge responsibility)? Would he be willing to fold laundry?

A trick I've learned is that if there's a machine involved, my husband is wayyyy more likely to do the task. For example, we got a kitchen aid mixer for our wedding and he started baking bread!!

This is just a handful of suggestions. Hope something helps ease your mind.
A.

Hi M.,
I am in the same boat as you. I too work full time as well as my Husband. He does a fair amount to get our 2 yr old daughter ready in the morning for pre-school, but then he leaves the house at 6:30 and I'm left to get myself and her ready, feed and out the door. In the evening he doesn't get home until close to her bed time so I am virtually on my own at night. It's hard not to keep score when you're feeling exhausted but the fact is that we are both exhausted from the amount we put in at home and at work so there really isn't a way to calculate who's more exhausted than the other. I don't know if it's in your budget or not, but I finally told my husband that I need more help. He of course told me that he feels he helps out alot. I told him I agree that we both work hard, but what's on my plate is simply too much for me and I need to hire some help. For $140 a month I hired a cleaning lady to come twice a month to clean. It has really helped me to be able to let go of some of the responsibility. It doesn't fix all the problems, but it definately helped. Just a thought.
Good Luck and hang in there.
A. R.

Hi Marinda,

No fight necessary, here's the list, ask him which ones he wants to make it more even and does he want to trade any of what HE does for some of the things YOU do?

Dad

1. Gets son up
2. makes him breakfast
3. gets him dressed
4. takes him to day care
5. plays with son after work (but not all the time)
6. Takes care of outside house
7. Mows lawn and weeds
8. Construction work (Start time/end time)

Mom
1. make our son's lunch
2. pick out his clothes
3. normally pick up from the night before
4. pick up our son from day care
5. I then cook dinner and clean it up.
6. I give him a bath,
7. put him in PJ's
8. read him a story
9. put him to bed.
10. run errands on my lunch breaks
11. grocery shopping.
12. pay all of the bills
13. clean the house.
14. Administrative work (7:30 – 3:30)

Blessings.......

I am dealing with the same situation. It sounds like your husband does more to help out than mine. I have discussed this with him in the past and he helped out more for a few days, then went back to the role of the 1950's man. I wish I could offer helpful advice, but my efforts haven't changed anything. Know that you aren't alone.

Hey girl,

I completly understand your feelings, I think we all feel that way. However I think you need to see the possitive. Life is simply to short to not to enjoy everyday. I am a working momma as well but I work from 7:30 to 5 pm everyday. My husband also works in construction and we live a VERY similar routine.
I was feeling overwhelmed as you are recently and summer started and my hubby went to work more full time. Just happened that he was putting in like 70+ hours in a week, of course leaving him VERY little time to help out. It was then that I had a realization of JUST what my husband truely did around the house. And I realized that he did WAY WAY WAY more than I gave him credit for. I actually felt bad/guilty for being so hard on him.
And I am sure you will feel the same way if your hubby were to dissapear. If you were a single mom you would without a doubt realize how much your hubby does. So life is short and just try to enjoy your baby and your husband.
And remember that your house will still be there wether it is cleaned everyday or not. I have had to learn that being a clean freak just doesn't work in this double parent working lifestyle we as Americans have had to go to. It could be worse! And you are so NOT alone! BE THANKFUL!!!!
-With love...C.

I know you must feel overwhelmed, but your husband does more than most husbands do and your son is at the age where he is full of energy, so it might be even more exhausting at the end of the day than it will be later. I think suggesting you guys switch morning and evening routines once in a while so that you get an evening break occationally might be worth looking into. Parenting is hard when kids are young. They do grow up and things get easier. Hang in there and remember to express your thoughts to your husband, they are not mind readers...I learned that and it helped my marriage.

Hi M.,

sounds like you do so much and it's exhausting on a daily basis for anyone. Your husband sounds pretty helpful though too. I would just try to be patient while your little guy is so young, as they get older he can help himself more and also one other thing I did for a while. I asked my husband to take at least one night a week that was his night to do all the night time routine. That night after dinner I could sit and do nothing, go shopping for fun, meet a friend or whatever. It was at least one night he knew he had to put the kids to bed and I had that time to "guilt free" read or talk on the phone without being interrupted. Sounds like you need some break during the week. Your husband may even do a couple nights!

Hi M.,
I read a few of the posts, but not all of them. Sounds like you got some great responses. It does sound like you have a pretty great husband who helps out more than a lot of them. In my house, I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works. Sometimes I wish it was the other way around. Anyway, since my daughter and I sleep later than when my husband leaves, the morning and daytimes are my responsibilities during the week. At night, I try to have dinner ready by the time he gets home. On Tues, Thurs, and Sat, he is responsible for needs and I clean up, and on Sun, Mon, Wed, and Fri I am and he cleans up. This means entertainment, diaper changes, and bed time routine. On the weekends we try to do things as a family, but that's also when I have to get my big cleaning chores done as well so he has to watch her then. The way I got my husband to step up was explaining that he needed bonding time with our daughter and that he needed experience in everyting in case anything should happen. He got a dose early on when I ended up in the hospital when she was 6 weeks old. I'm getting ready for another surgery in Sept so he needs to know the routine. Anyway, hope this helps.

a very wise man once told me that a marriage is not 50/50, but it's both people putting in 100%. his wife agreed.

i can see that your husband is physically tired at the end of the day, since his job is so physical. at the same time, a "sit down" job can also be taxing, just in a different way. instead of attacking how much he does, try to help him understand that you need time to yourself as well. don't make this about how much he does, but about the fact that you're starting to get close to burn out and need time to refresh also.

i think he'd understand that much better. all people need time to relax and regain a sense of sanity.

let him know how much time you need (once a week? twice a week?), when (after dinner? after work until bedtime?), and then ask if he's willing to take care of all household duties for your "me time". don't let him say "sure" and then he just ignores it for you to do later.

i'm currently staying at home, and my husband still cooks 2 times a week. we started doing that while i was working, but he knows i still do a lot around the house when i don't "go to work." we started alternating nights putting our son to bed, because i'm due soon and we want our son to get used to this alternating attention. he didn't offer to do any of this, but when i let him know that i was burning out, he understood.

happy wife, happy life! :o)

Why can't you both share the chores 50/50? You split everything else, right? The money, the home, your son, the food, utilities and probably even a bank account. Well, you both live in your home so you should both clean it, inside AND out, right? That's what my husband and I do, even though he's disabled.

Sounds like he is helping.

I am also a first timer with a 2 yr old. There are times when my hubby and I have these same feelings and same talks. We both also work full-time and split the responsibilities. I regret that it is normal to feel that we are carrying the larger load, our guys often feel the same way, but I want to gently encourage you to take another look at the volume your spouse is carrying too. I bet if you actually itemized, you'd find that the load was pretty fair.

Never be concerned about asking for additional help, heck we all need it from time to time, there are so many things to get done in a day, but then be sure you are offering that to your spouse too. Remember you two are a team. If after a second look you still feel the load is unbalanced, consider this: what items can you ask/delagate to your spouse, what things can you get onto autopilot (like bills, some house/yard work, or shopping), and what can be eliminated. Everyone is working toward that happy life balance, and you all deserve it.

On a separate note, I often find that when I have "had enough" and am getting short tempered with my honey, I need to just tell him how I AM FEELing overwhelmed, tired, overworked... you pick the adjective, even if it is the middle of the "fight", and not make it about him but about you. When I ask for the help or advice, he always steps up or steps in. I'll bet your honey's the same.

Good luck!