How to Manage Everything That Needs Done

DEAR J.:

I have been married for 12 years this coming may and I have learned through my hard times in life that our husband can not meet our needs only our heavenly Daddy can. I am too a working mom, wife but it is only when I can set time aside to meet with my creator and nourish my relationship with My Lord Jesus Christ that I can be a better mom and a wife. I know that the demands in life can really take a toll in our lives. But if we seek God with all our hearts and soul He will provide rest for our soul. I don't know where you and your husband stand in regards to faith, but I can assure you that there is hope for you ask God to help you through this difficult time. Your husband is not being the spiritual leader in the home. If you read the book of Ephesians in the Bible we can all learn how to be better Fathers and Mothers. Being a parent is a God given privilege that should not be taken for granted. We can not, again I say we can not change a person, but we can change ourselves. Ask God in your own personal struggle what can you change. What demands your priority first. I speak for experience my #1 priority is CHRIT first and Husband #2, Children #3, Ministry 4# and so on. We can't have order in our lives if CHRIST is not first in our lives. Think about it what example is your husband sending to your children, not a very good one. Just because he works outside the home it does not mean that he can'nt and will not help you around the house. Those children are his responsibility as well. I will be praying for you. It has been a burden in my heart to pray for men especially in a marriage because they are not taking the God given responsibility in their home, marriage that God has intrusted them. It is a must. God is going to hold them accountable. I pray that God will bring into your husband life a Godly man who will hold him accountable in his role and his walk with God. Blessing. Do not be discourage, I know that there is hope for you. " Be Still AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" This is the theme of a retreat that I will be attending this weekend. I will take your concerns with me to lift them up this weekend in prayers as well as other marriages that are going thru the same thing. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD. TAKE A SPIRITUAL RETREAT ON YOUR OWN HOME AND BE REFRESH. IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE ALREADY GET A WOMAN OF FATIH BIBLE AND BE BLESS BY WHAT THE LORD WANTS TO SAY TO YOU THROUGH HIS PROMISES. GOD BLESS SOMEONE WHO CARES FOR YOU. C.

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I wish I had some good advice for you, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. Just yesterday I was thinking the same thing, I am taken for granted. If something happened to me my husbands life would chage a lot - he would have to take Allen to and from daycare everday, do laundry, clean, entertain Allen, go shopping, and take care of the dog. If something happened to him my life wouldn't change very much at all. I might have to work the lawn mower.

What does that say about where our relationship is and how do I change it? I told him last night I was afraid we were heading to a divorce and the broke down in tears. I am so overwhelmed right now.

Here is the only thing I can think to do. Confide in friends for support, an seek counseling both for myself and for us as a couple. We did this a few years ago and it did help. I said all the same things in counseling that I said at home but for once he actually heard me, he took my words seriously.

We've slipped back into old habits which just proves the a relationship is an ongoing work in progress.

J.

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Wow. I know exactly how you feel. I've been married to a really great guy for 23 years. I really do love him. But he was completely oblivious during the childrearing years. He loved us, but even when we had great conversations about what I needed, very specifically, he never stuck with it for good. He got better in some areas, but I still have to be very specific about what I need from him. To some extent, we had agreed that the division of labor would fall largely to me. I was a SAHM for 20 years, so that meant I was home and it was my job to deal with the lion's share of work around here. That wouldn't have been a problem if my job with the kids and house was only 8 hours out of every day, as his job is. But we all know that house work and kids are 24/7. These days, the kids are pretty independent, so my day-to-day responsibilities are much easier to handle. One son lives at college, one is about to move out, and the last is graduating from high school. They can take care of their own cooking and laundry and help me with the errands and things around the house. So know that that part of it will get better in time. As for my husband, he does help me, but I have to ask him for each specific task to be done. I still have times when I'm angry about that. Why can't he just see what needs to be done and do it? Eh.. I just let it go and ask. Just this weekend I asked him to find our youngest son's social security number for an insurance form that I was filling out. My husband told me where to find it, and I had to say to him, "That's not what I asked. I asked if you could give it to me. I'm tired. I've been on my feet all day, and I'm filling out this paperwork. You can leave your rest for 2 minutes and find the SSN for me, I'm sure!" He complained a bit about doing it, but I reminded my dear husband that I had borne the child into this world (with no anesthesia, by the way), toilet trained him, taught him manners, helped him with his homework, taught the young man to cook and take care of himself, went to all the teacher's conferences, soccer games, and scout meetings (and camping trips!), decorated all of his birthday cakes, shopped for all of his clothing, taught the boy to drive, helped him fill out his college applications, and I work for the kids' dental and vision insurance. Now the least hubby could do as the boy's father was get up, walk into the next room and get the kid's social security number for me! My husband laughed, said that I had a flair for drama and got the number for me.
The point is that the most stressful time of our marriage was during the early years when the kids were little and very needy. Keep at it. Stay calm. Ask for specific help when you need it. Be prepared to be frustrated, because you will be. And remember that this is all temporary and it gets better. Not right away... but it does get better.

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Read Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". I know it sounds like one more person to take care of right now, but the book has literally changed my life and made me more grateful for the man I have. God bless.

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Hi J.,
I read the other responses and most of them seem to boil down to, stop doing everything to get your point across, and make your expectations clear. I don't necessarily disagree with these approaches, some men don't really know what needs to be done. But I am also wondering if there is a larger issue. You say that you are not getting what you need from him. Is he getting what he needs from you? I am just wondering because you say in your "about me" that you love spending every minute with your children and they are the king and princess. If you view your children that way, where does that leave your husband? Maybe he just feels like all your focus is on the children and you are not giving anything to him, so why should he participate in the household anyway? I am not trying to be harsh but have you considered this? You probably do need a good conversation with your husband... but be open to hearing from him what he needs from you. Men need respect and admiration from their wife. Belittling, sarcasm, treating them like the child, is not helpful. Maybe you need a new family metaphor where you and your husband are the leaders of the team and your kids are the team members. Hope this helps.
A.

I am soooo sorry to ehar about your situationand it seems you are not alone these days. I am also 29 with 2 little toddlers running around and I just thank God that he gives mommies superhuman powers it seems!
One thought, have you tried not doing anything for him at all? Like washing everyone else clothes but not doing his? or not setting a plate for him at dinner? It may seem harsh, but it sounds like he does not take your concerns seriously, so when he is faced with wearing stinky clothes to work, or going hungry, maybe he might take it a bit more seriously
Not knowing your husband or your situation fully, maybe you could just sit down after the kids are in bed, and really have a heart to heart? Just whatever you do, dont not do anything b/c resentment and bitterness may start to form (have seen this happen personally and it is not fun for the WHOLE family)
Good luck and I hope things start to change I will keep your family in my prayers!
M.

Hi J.,

It may be that you want to consider hiring someone to help out with the cleaning. However, that is not the only fix. You may also want to have a long talk about how this is not working for you. I understand him wanting down time with his family and that time should be carved out, however, you need some help. However, it seems like the downtime is mostly for him. Maybe, you could take a weekend off by yourself and go to a hotel and read a book all day! And see how much he respects what you do when he returns. If not you are asking for burnout and resentment.

Some men are brought up with the women doing everything. But then was when most moms stayed at home. Now it has to be 50/50 and I am not from the school of reinforcing men for each little thing they do. Divide and conquer and expect him to follow through with whichever tasks he needs to do. Your family is run by a partnership and sometimes it may be best to sit down and go over the responsibilities each one needs to do to make the partnership work. My guy is fabulous now, but it wasn't always that way. If I got too frustrated, I would simply say that "This is not working for me" and he would get busy! Now he does even more than I do on some days!

Good Luck!

B.

Hi J.--Hire someone to clean once a week. I'm not sure where you are, but it should cost under $200/month. I, of course, don't know your budget or whether that's realistic for you. It's like buying time. It's the best money I spend.

J.,
I can understand how totally frustrating this is for you. I think a lot of women will relate to your situation. Have you tried (c*a*l*m*l*y) explaining to your husband EXACTLY what you want and need him to do? IMHO, men do NOT get hints and I think you get better results if you very specifically tell him what you need. They also do not look around and see what needs to be done! My husband can walk right up the stairs PAST the laundry basket waiting to go up! I'm like um-hm, can you take that? He says "Oh ...sure!" Geez...sometimes it's not doing the stuff, it's getting them to think about it! Men will never be women. We multi-task and do 9 million little things per day that no one notices until it's NOT done.
My advice to you is to pick a good time to talk to him calmly and clearly-no interruptions. Explain that you are overwhelmed and you need help. Also, keep in mind that you have two kids and not everything is going to get done on time and perfectly, but if the two of you work together, you will feel better about what IS getting done. Let the smaller stuff wait and focus on what you need to do first, then second, etc.
Hang in there and good luck to you!

Hi J.,

I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time. The best thing to do is to sit down with your husband and explain to him in a very calm voice that you just can't do it all himself. If he is unwilling to help, then tell him you think you need to hire a cleaning person or something to help out with the household chores. I think if you sit down and try not to get up set, he may be more likely to listen. When you are "letting off steam" he may think it is just frustration and not a real issue and that may be why he is ignoring it.

Good luck!
J.

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J.,

I agree with most of the women here. You are never going to get the help unless you really talk and ask for it. I have been married for 10 years and I still have pull teeth just for my husband to help out. Now he doesn't complain as much as he use too. What made my husband understand was when he was laid off and was home with my daughter for 6 months. I acted just like him when I got home. Why wasn't this done and so forth. He got tired of hearing me complain. I told him that is what I felt when I was the full time parent at home and he complained that things weren't done. Also I told him I am not his mother who is a germophbic, and whose house is white gloved cleaned everyday. It made him understand more on why certain things didn't get done and why I was tired more.

Now I am a SAHM I do end up cleaning up everyday. But I only do one room a day. That way I am not overwelmed. But I still get help on my husband day off. For when he is off I work. So it is a trade off. I only ask him to do one or two things. I laugh when I get home because that is when he is doing it so I don't get mad. My though it got done and I didn't have to do it.

I think the best thing for you to do is leave for a few days. Tell his mother what you are doing and ask her not to help unless it is a true emergency. Go to a local spa for a few days. Leave him with the kids and tell him you expect the house to be in the same condition as you left it. He gets the ideas of how your days are. Give him the expectation that you want him to keep the house clean for a few days. But when you come home and he doesn't, hopefully he will understand how hard you work to make it that way.

The other thing you could do is stop cleaning things for him. Like the clothes. If he wants clean clothes he will have to wash them himself. I have done that. Don't fix dinner.

Or go on strike. Don't do anything. Eventually he will notice that nothing is getting down and ask you why. This would be a great way to open up the conversation and tell him that you need more help from him.

As last resort, hire a maid. If he askes why you hired one, simple tell him that you are not getting the help you want from him so you a paying someone to help you. I know that spending that money to get the help might motivate him into helping. Also make sure that she is there when he is home. That way he will see her and ask why.

Good Luck with Everything.

A.

I am a newly stay at home mom. I have a 11 mos. old boy and a 5 year old girl. My husband works full time at a job he really likes. I recently had a similar situation. My suggestion in to make a list of what you do in a week and make a list of your perception of what your husband does and ask him to do the same. At the end of the week, get someone to watch the kids and sit down a really talk it out. He may not think anything is wrong because your are handling all of it and you saying you had enough, isnt enough for him. My husband is wonderful but after almost 10 years of marriage he doesnt know if my sigh when I look at the dishes means I'm frustrated or if my allergies are bothering me and I am stuffed up! They dont get the hints. You sometimes have to be very logical. I've been a home for about a month now, before I was working 45 hrs a week. I explained to my husband, I dont get a day off anymore, and I need some help. He had no idea I was stressed because "You seemed to be handling it really well." Guys just dont pick up on subtle hints. This was proven to me this year when my Mom left my dad after 35 years of marriage. She said she was feed up and wasnt spending the next 35 years taking care of my dad. Nothing was wrong with him, just lazy. So this was an eye opener. I am proud of her for having the courage to leave. My dad now calls me and says, wow it takes alot of work to keep the house clean, the bathroom gets dirty quick! Just talk it out with your husband, he just may not think anything is wrong. And guess what, its ok to not have a perfectly clean house or order pizza for dinner or when your husband comes home from work, have your keys in hand and say, Just need some time to myself be back in about an hours love ya BYE!!!! Hope this helps :)

Hi J.,
WOW! If you get some good answers, please share! My hubby does do alot with the kids, but when it comes to cleaning, washing, shopping, bills, cooking, etc... it is all on me. I truly LOVE being a parent and don't mind, but I don't want to hear any comments about "this is what is for dinner', etc... so you are not alone, please share girlfriend! ;)

My best advice is to STOP. By that I mean, don't cook your husband dinner. Don't wash your husbands clothes. Do only those things which need to be done for you and the kids. Let the toys lay where the kids leave them. Also, the week that you decide to do this. Inform your husband that the children are his from 6 am til midnight Saturday and Sunday. Tell him you need a book break. Tell him that you are tired of reading children's books and need some time to yourself to regroup. Be kind to your children, though. Leave him a schedule of when they need to be fed and the foods that they like. Also, a schedule of meal, bath and bed times. Ask him to only call if it is an emergency. Leave vital information like doctors and poison control phone numbers. Don't forget to leave a note of a few things that need to be done for monday (laundry, scrubbing the floors, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, preparing meals for the week, anything you would usually do while he is lying there reading his book.)

Alternatively, if you think he is just not getting what you are telling him, you could try talking to him one more time. Write out a schedule of what you do and approximately when. Jot down items that come up that don't fit into the schedule normally, also. Tell him this is what you do and you need some help. Ask him to take on a few items on the list. If he agrees, please remember not to expect perfection. And don't expect him to do it your way, either. Guys have their own way of doing things. My husband sorts, washes and dries the laundry. But then the baskets sit in my living room until I fold them and put them away. Occasionally, he moves them upstairs to our bedroom. He will fold and put away his own clothes but any of my clothes, our three kids clothes, sheets or towels are all on me. But I am grateful that he does do part of the laundry for me.

Anyhow, good luck and hope this helps.

When my sister and I were small, my dad asked my mother what she could possibly be doing all day that the house was such a mess when he got home. So she let him see. That day, she didn't do any of the work she usually did. Where we dropped our pajamas when we changed in the morning is where the pajamas stayed. When we were finished with breakfast, we pushed the dishes back on the table, same at lunch. Anything and everything we got out during the day, my mom left out. Additionally, she did not fix him any dinner or wash any of his dirty clothes. (I believe she waited til laundry day when he was low on underwear!). Dad got the message really quickly. I should mention my sister and I were 2 and 4 years old at the time.

Sometimes it is as easy as giving them a taste of what you are doing.

When this first happened between my husband and I, which was before I ever got pregnant, I went "on strike". I did absolutely nothing except lay around and read books. After awhile, he got sick and tired of the mess and tried to juggle everything. When he realized just how difficult it was, he helped me out more.

At the time, I was a full time student with a full time job, and an hour commute in opposite directions for both! I had tried to talk to him about it but, despite being wonderful, he's a man and they just don't seem to get it all the time. For him, he had to learn by being in the situation instead of me constantly telling him.

I know this sounds a little mean and selfish, but I hope you find something to help. I know just how hard things are for you.

Welcome to the club! Women expect things to be done a certain way and most men will never live up to 'our' expectations when it comes to the cooking, cleaning and child rearing. There are always those few that seem like Hazel, but most are just men. Speaking from experience (my kids are 12 and 14 now), you do have to be specific, like the other ladies state, in what you expect. Let's not use that word, use phrases like, "Honey, I just can't keep up with all the cleaning, I looked into getting a cleaning person once a week for about $150. What do you think?" DON'T be afraid to ask him to run the sweeper, do the dishes and take out the garbage. This type of man does need to be told (better to ask) exactly what to do, they will not pick up the fact that the garbage is over flowing or the dishes are head high in the sink! They will not automatically do it like us, we need to ask them. In saying that, don't think that the dishes will be spotless like we would do them or that they won't pick up the toys off the floor before vacuuming! That's something we as women need to get over, they will never do it the way we would ~ and that's okay. Have you ever thought about 'making plans' to go out on a Wed. night and leave him alone w/ the kids? Get in your car and drive to the nearest parking lot with a good book for 3 hours! Go the the grocery store, in peace, without the kids while he is at home with them. Insead of acting and talking 'women' to them, you need to speak 'man' to get the point accross. Are you cleaning his clothes? Why? You also have to look at what you are doing for him. Are you doing everything for him, yourself and the kids? Yikes, he can fend for himself, you worry about you and the kids! Good luck and read the book Confessions of a Slacker Mom ~ best read in a long time.

hello. i think everyone struggles w/this. it is helpful to split up chores w/your husband. maybe start w/him doing things that he doesn't dread. an example. my husband hates unloading the dishwasher. i dont mind so i do it and then he loads it. i hate switching loads so he does that and i fold and put away clothes. he needs to help or you'll be stressed all the time. right now i am experiencing difficulty bc we are working opposite schedules and we never see each other. it really stinks! plus it doesn't allow for either of us to have a break let alone time for just the two of us.

I think what your husband is doing is unacceptable. The bottom line is that no matter how great your husband is, the wife will always be more capable and organized to keep the household runnning. So, whatever a man is capable of doing, he should do, especially if you are working also. When I argue with my husband about similar problems, I always remind him that I can easily walk out the door with the kids and where would he be? Alone and able to read and surf the web as much as he wants. If that's what your husband wants, threaten to give it to him.

Hi J., I know exactly how you feel. I also do everything around the house. And I mean everything...my husband thinks my living room is his own personal closet. I am constantly picking up shoes, socks, shirts, pants, etc. I have delegated taking out the trash as his chore but half the time my son or I end up doing it because we can't fit one more thing in the trash. I definitely think that being specific helps and asking rather than nagging but I have been unsuccessful at getting him to do anything consistently for more than a week. But you know what, you may want to count your blessings because every once in a blue moon my husband gets the urge to clean house and his idea of clean is not my idea of clean. He will leave a pile of dishes in the sink and a dirty bathroom but rearrange all of the important paperwork that I need to tend to by stacking it all in one pile. He will hide things rather than put them away. One day I walked in and found the house "cleaned" and found everything we owned stuffed into our storage room. lol I nearly cried, actually I think I did cry. I have gotten every excuse in the book too. When I was a SAHM, he told me I had to do all the cleaning because I was at home and he worked. When I was working part time, I worked less than he did so I still had to do all the cleaning and cooking. Now that I work as many hours as he does, possibly more, he works harder than I do and is tired so he can't help me. And there have been many many times where I have been too tired at the end of the day to do my wifely "duties." lol And even that doesn't convince him to do his fair share. If you find something that works please let me know because I haven't found it.

You both work, right? So, I'm thinking you have a fair amount of money coming in. Well, my opinion is that you might nip any potential marital stress in the bud if you get a maid service. Or one of those meal cooking services. I think there is a meal service in Wexford, but, a maid might be more affordable! Good luck!!

What is the relationship between his parents? More pointfully, does his dad treat his mom this same way? If so, this is what he expects from his marriage having learned it from watching his parents.
Another thing you could do is to make a log for a week, of all the hours that you do everything. Break it down into detail of each thing done; like getting up at night with kids, dishes, laundry, folding laundry, other housework, errands (detail what), plus work hours. It will help get your point across how hard that you work, and point blank that you need help. (Maybe consider hiring a maid, that would get his attention since it costs money.)
Another thing to consider is exactly how he feels about you working? Could he be resenting the fact that you are working and be retaliating by not lifting a finger at home and just doing what he feels like doing/relaxing? It does sound like you need to do some thinking. Looking back when all of this started as well. If it does not staiten out, you both may need to go to councilling. Hope this helps..

I hate to see what is happening to you. Believe me, you are not alone. Too many men do not stand up to their responsibilities. I'm not making excuses for him, but because of his lack of responsibility, he may possibly be depressed because he can't take the responsibility. But if you do not address the problem, you may find yourself in the middle of a divorce, which I can guarantee you is not a good thing. You both need to get into professional counseling and quick. If you continue down this path, you may find yourself in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Talk to him and see if he will agree to the counseling. If he doesn't, you need to get it for yourself for now. If he won't agree to the counseling-I really don't know what else to tell you.

You absolutely need to ask for (demand!) the help you need! Parents are equal. It takes two (or more, lol) to raise good kids. And you BOTH are working outside the home, so it can't seem to him like you have "all day" to do everything. I think that you should try to approach him very clincally. I just mean that when you're so frustrated, you may go into the conversation throwing daggers which automatically puts him on the strong defensive. I believe you should approach it like a business. Running a home IS alot like running a business if things are to go smoothly. Here's what I would do: List everything on paper that needs done to run the home. Bills, cleaning (break it down), yardwork, trash, car maintenance, cooking, nighttime wakings, laundry, etc. Even add in some "downtime" for each of you so he can still get his reading/relaxing time (and you can get some too.) You could even incorporate some things for your 3-yr-old to help with, like taking some laundry to the laundry room or dusting the furniture...Then PICK the things you want to do, and let him CHOOSE his. Hopefully he'll feel that he has a choice and will meet you halfway. The things that are left that no one wants to do get divided equally or just do the old-fashioned draw-from-a-hat. You can always rotate things too, so everyone has to do something they don't like but only for awhile. If this calm, mature way to ask for help doesn't work, do you know what I would do next? TELL him that if you can't get help from him, you're going to hire some. I mean it. It's funny, but sometimes if you hit the guys in the wallet, they'll snap out of it! And FOLLOW THRU...if it's not in the budget, figure a sacrifice that can be made to get that cleaning lady there or that babysitter every weekend or the neighborhood boy to cut the grass(ie. downsize on the 1,000 cable channels or make him pack a lunch everyday)...maybe he'll see that if only HE would help you wouldn't have to "sacrifice" anything.

Good luck and let me know how you're doing in the next week or so!
D

I don't know how you do it alone at all. I get to spend quite a bit of time at home and my husband is in grad school so he is home too. We only have one child and my husband really cooks and cleans at least half of the time if not more. Our house is far from the cleanest, and I worry about it. My husband said that spending quality time with our daughter is the most important. So I let things go a little.

If you can't quit work and want to free up a little time and lower stress, maybe you could hire someone to do the cleaning. Go out to dinner until your husband gets the drift. Maybe you could hide the computer and tv too. He should figure it out soon enough.

L.

I would also suggest going away and leave your husband to tend to the kids. make sure there is no one to close to help him out. My husband found out how much I do when I had to have emergency surgery. After that things were different around the house and with the kids. I now stay home and take care of the kids but he still helps out some. Not as much because I have more time now. Talk to him calmly and tell min yiour plan and do it and see what happens . I hope this helps. Good luck
L.

Strike, there is NO reason if you are both working that YOU should do it all. I made a chart of who does what, alternating days with cooking and only gave him the kitchen/trash as clean up (he did not sit down with me).

He refused so I stopped doing his laundry. He got the hint and started pitching in a LOT more. I also stopped picking up after the kids (drove me NUTS to see a mess) he finally helped with that once it started to drive him nuts.

We are still not "equal" but I am home more - currently laid off but will be working from home again. He does the yardwork and trash and helps with putting away the laundry and cleaning up the kitchen. I clean the rest of the house (though he has even started pitching in there). Our older sons are at the "chore" age. They help put their clothes away and sweep and pick up their toys. They are 6,5,4 & 21 months.

I am all for strike, not only have I done it but a few of my friends who felt "neglected" did too and it helped. Another thing is to plan a day with you and a friend and leave him ALL DAY with the kids so he can see what you do...maybe even a weekend if you can stand being away from them that long.

GOOD LUCK!!

Hello J.,
First off, you are only one person!!!
this is a tough and sticky situation. but answer these questions for yourself. is this how his mother raised him? Is this just a seasonal thing? does he have a stressful full time Job? Are you obsessing with the work or could it wait another night and spend time relaxing with your husband also?
Just trying to get you to look at it for other stand points. If you said yes to these you might need to work on them areas with or with out a counselor.
Good Luck!!!
I think sometime we all feel overwelmed at times and forget that we are doing it out of love and not out of graditude.
K. B.

Stop doing the dishes, laundry and cleaning for a week...he'll get the hint, and maybe realize how much you really do for him and your family. Does he do anyhing like mow the lawn, or take out the trash? I'm not defending him in any way, but sometimes our husbands do things that go unnoticed by us, and they too feel underappreciated. They also have different priorities and standards than we do. After my c-section, my husband was helping with the laundry, cooking, and cleaning but he didn't live up to my standards, so I was happy when I could start doing those things again on my own. In the past when I have felt like I was doing all of the "work" (cooking, cleaning, diaper changing, feeding etc.), I would step back to take a closer look and realized he was doing a lot too...like walking the dogs, shopping, yard work, trash....so it pretty much evened out. Also, when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I simply say "I would really appreciate it if you could do a load of laundry (take out the trash, whatever)", instead of saying "you never do anything". I find that being specific in requests gets better results. Like children, men often need simple instructions and positive reinforcement. Good luck!
J. W

My husband did things around the house but he had 2 sons. The had there issues and he did not get it. He jsut left things get to the breaking point when the kids were younger. There Momtehr would call and just go and and on and on. It was all about stupid things etc. My stepson had problems from al this and he just keep sititng there with his head in the sand doing nothing about it. I talked to him and when that did not work. I made an apt with a family counselor. I set the bounntries and we talked to her about it. With her help he understood that enough was enough. He needed to do what needed to be done. If setting bountries doesnot work the only other advice I can give it to talk to a counsler. kathy said that he was the one that needed to change and change the sitution. If someone is not willing to change then you either have to put up with them or change things.
If he will not help then say i need to bring in someone to help with the house work. Good luck.

I haven't been in your shoes so I can't speak from experience, but I think standing in front of him at night and saying in a normal (non-nagging) tone of voice "the dishes need to be washed and the laundry needs to be folded. Which one do you want to do?" might be worth a shot. If he isn't willing to do either, grab a book and join him on the couch. Make sure you and the kids have clean clothes and leave him to his own devices.

I also really like the idea of telling him that since you both work but he's not willing to do his share of the housework, you're going to have to hire someone to do his part.

Also, for one week keep a list of everything you do after coming home from work, every single thing. Also write down what he does...perhaps seeing in black and white the list of chores you did versus his "read for 2 hours" might help him see the light.

Good luck! It drives me nuts when men think that they can abide by the rules of the 1950's in a two-income family. He's not doing the "sole bread-winner" role, but thinks he should still sit on his @ss like the lord and master when he gets home while the "little woman" takes care of all the rest of it. Feh.

I'll be waiting to see the replies, because I'm in the same boat. I work 3 days a week, my husband is full time but works the midnight shift AND his schedule is 10 days on, 4 days off. He has become accustomed to not doing anything because "I only work 3 days a week, what do I do the other 4?" And not to one up you, but I get about 4 hrs of sleep a night because that's when I do my house cleaning (I've become the queen of vacuuming at 2am). Hope things get better for you.

You are definitely not alone in this battle. Have you tried being specific with your husband? I've found that a general discussion/argument without a plan of action gets us nowhere. Several months ago, I asked my husband to help clean up after dinner and to fold and put away laundry as part of his regular chores. I've also told him I expect him to put his shoes away and clean up any dishes he takes into the living room. Even though I put the expectation in his head I do have to ask him to do it when I see it needs done. He won't/can't/doesn't think to do it on his own. However, he doesn't get as disgruntled as he used to when I remind him - I think because I told him what I wanted help with and he (begrudgingly) agreed to it. Good luck to you!

I am sorry he feels that this is acceptable.
Being Married is one thing, bringing children into the mix makes it a "must be" partnership.

My husband and I both worked. He pulled a very hard job as a commercial union Jouneyman Bricklayer + a part time job during his apprenticeship. But you can bet, weekends brought more shared chores along with cooking and changing diapers while "I" mowed the lawn. No job is defined or left to only one partner. That is for single men.

Stand your ground you should not be picking up his end of this partnership.

Maybe it is your weekend for reading a book?

What ever you do, I suggest you do not make empty threats you are not prepared to follow through on. If your not ready to stand your ground than don't hurt your position by threatening without the followup.

My husband is the same and I expect his parents raised him this way - expecting that the woman in his life would do it all. I have gotten him to pitch in a little and some of my issues are my own fault. I should be specific about what I want him to do = he will never get it until I do. I would also suggest that you sit down and make a calendar of chores with him. It really helped my husband!
Best of luck!

Well, you could talk to him again and this time, stop doing stuff for him such as his laundry... and making his lunch or breakfast whatever you do in the moring and tell him you have so much to do for yourself and the children that you don't have the time to care for him like he is still a toddler...

good luck and God bless always,
S.

Hi J.,

Let me guess - his mom did everything for him growing up. Well - it won't be easy to break his habits...but you can try.
1. Have a serious one one one conversation with him. No yelling (men will just tune you out). Take it from a perspective that he would understand....Sweetie - I am so busy with all of these activities - and I would love to spend more time together as a family and/or alone with you (wink, wink). Not sure what angle works the best with your man - you can be the judge of that).
2. Stop doing everything (I recommend this AFTER you talked to him and if he still isn't lisening). Not my favorite approach ( a little passive/aggressive). Say - you just don't get to fold all the laundry and put it away - sorry honey - no boxer shorts or, yeah, we are having pb and j for dinner. As soon as something is screwed up in his world - he will stand up and notice.
Best of luck!

J.
I too am in the same position you are. Only I have done it for 24 years. To keep my sanity, I had to decide what was more important. A spotless house or time well spent with my children. My children are now 17 and 20 and their father has become a huge part of their life. But I am still left to clean, cook, laundry, cut the grass, work and run my own business. What you need to do is start getting your children to help you do small chores. They may not do the perfect job right now, but keep adding to them as they get older. It is amazing how much it help when you no longer have to feed the dog, empty the trash or fold the washclothes. As they get older their chores will increase your's will decrease and they are learning life's lessons.

I think the best way to actually show your husband that you cannot handle the mass off responsibilities on your shoulders is to simply stop doing them. I know it may be very difficult at first to eye up piles of laundry and a sink full of dirty dishes, but it will also let him make the decision of choosing to help out, or not have any clean clothes for work. I did this a few years ago and now my husband cooks dinner almost every night and does the dishes. I am a stay at home mom to three under 8, and we homeschool, which is a lot of work. I always feel that if both parents work though, then really all household chores need to be shared by both parents. It is definitely not fair to expect you to be able to function doing all that. Just pick the most important things that you want done, like feeding the kids and getting them to bed, or whatever chores you want to be doing, or that the kids need for stability, then, just put all the rest on hold. You take time to sit down and read or get on the computer. Good luck!

I have redefined my expectation of what a clean house should look like when I work 40 hrs a week with 2 small children. I like to relax with the boys in the evening giving each his individual time with Mom. I am the only person who does the cooking, 99.9% of the time wakes up at night, tend to sick/irritable children, and the list goes on. I specifically delegate to my husband what I expect him to do regularly. My 4-year-old completes his chores better than his father! My husband complains when I leave his chores undone and further complains while he completes his chores. I even delegated who should take off from work when the boys get sick (me) and when the kids have a planned day off that we both work (him). During these planned days I come home to an exhausted husband who is ready to hand me the kids as I walk in the door. He appreciates all that I do to make his life easier for a little while and then its back to the norm where he expects me to do most of it. I go out every week grocery shopping alone while he stays home for 2 hours. Yes, I browse! No, it is not the ideal 50/50 that I hoped, but it is better than nothing. Good luck!

This drives me nuts with some men! The first problem is that he's been allowed to do this since the beginning so now he expects it and it's a learned behavior. My husband was never that bad but at times when he'd get lazy I'd makes changes.

Stop doing things for him!

For this day forward, buy him his own hamper and he does his own laundry.

Start cooking meals for you and your son, nothing for him. Pick up only after you and your son. Leave hubby's stuff where it is. If it's a problem with your child then move all of hubby's mess, including dirty dishes in a box or laundry basket on his side of the bed or something. The point is to show him that he makes messes like everyone else.

Don't buy him a thing at the store when you're shopping. He's a big boy. If he wants a treat, let him buy it. If he needs underwear and socks, let him buy them. Basically, cut him out of the family. Do family things with just you and your son.

Every time he wants to get on the computer, make him work for it. When you're off the computer shut it completely down or disconnect the cable.

If he leaves his precious books laying around, leave them. If you son tears them up, let him. It's not your job to be a baby sitter.

Treat him like a child, since he's acting like one. Sometimes you have to get into a huge argument to wake a man up. When it's all done, make up a schedule where he cooks 2-3 nights a week. You work too, including raising your child. Leave your son in his lap and go window shopping... often! He needs to see just how much you do!

Good luck!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Hi J.....making changes is never easy...just try not to feel guilty about NEEDING a change! I honestly think if more women spoke up at the beginning of their relationships some of these "issues" would be less trouble!! I literally SPELLED out everything when we first got together!! I do try to keep things "together" as much as possible. When I see him NOT helping....I come right out and tell him...EVIDENTLY he has TIME on his hands....soooo he can USE IT by doing HIS laundry!!! I saw by reading the other responses that it was a "common thread" to do this but it DOES work....no clean socks/underwear DOES make a LOUD statement! Noone will change over night but even if he does a few chores at first....its a bit less for you to think about!! Make a statement...start out slow....give PRAISE.....(men are such like kids at times).....and stay FOCUSED on the goal....do NOT revert back to the OLD WAYS once you are making a wee bit of progress!! Best of Luck to you!

I, also, have redefined what a "clean" house is. It has given me more time for my son, homework, and healthier dinners. There is no way to disinfect an entire house and live life with a working husband. Good luck getting through to him!

Tell him your going to have to quit work so you can pick up the slack at home. Money usually is a sore spot for guys. There are many things you will have to give up probably but maybe that will help him pay attention. They say its best to stay home for the first 5 years of your kids life anyway. Also I've noticed that if express yourself forcefully with guys they stubbornly shut off and refuse to do what you say. (At least the not so compassionate kind). I say tell him your going to have to quit your job so you can get everything done.

J., you need to really make a point with your husband. I suggest you think about taking a day trip or even a weekend away. ALONE and leave the kids with your husband. ALONE. Make sure that no-one will be available for anything more than phone-call/question help (no Grandma's to the rescue). Then go home and talk to your husband about how you are supposed to be partners, that kids need both parents involved in every aspect of thier lives and how dirty clothes and dishes don't just disapear and magicly re-appear clean!! I would also make the point that if I have to do it all alone...I should be able to quit my job at the very least. Being a Mom is always a full-time never ending job even when you do get help from your hubby...it's just the fact that Mom's do the lion share of the work...but for him to do NOTHING is absoulty WRONG. He helped make them didn't he?

I know at one point in time my own Mom went through a simalar situation and she told my Dad that if she was going to be a single parent and do it all then he could just get out and she'd do it! That was a big wake-up call for him and things changed right away for us.

At times I have found myself prodding my husband to help more around the house, but not often and not for long. The simple fact is that people will only rise to our level of expectation and will do as little as possiable because of sheer laziness. It's a tough spot that you have allowed yourself to get stuck in...and it won't change overnight unless you really get his attention. Good luck & Best wishes.