"Selective" Stranger Anxiety - 10 Mos. Old Fears Grandma

Oh my goodness... That is just like my daughter who is also 10 months old... She will not go to my mother-in-law AT ALL!! She also won't go to on of my brother's either and it seems that she is very specific that it is directed toward them and it is very obvious she does not like to be around them... With my mother in law, I first thought that it was because we didn't see her often enough, but she will go to everyone else who lives at their house, just not her... She went to her in the beginning when she was first born, but I noticed the change in my daughter was when my mother-in-law got a new hairdo... It seemed to scare her... I'm not particularly close with my mother in law, but I feel really bad when my daughter screams almost hysterically whenever she is around her... I think in the case with my brother, he is a little closed off emotionally and I think my daughter can sense that... I think that my daughter "senses" when a person is receptive and loving and is more drawn to that, because she will go to people that she meets for the first time, but will not go to my brother or mother in law EVER!!! I don't know if this will help, but these are just my own personal observations I have made with my own daughter....

Hope this helps...

My daughter was this wat with her Grandpa. He never really made a big deal out of it and she was terrified, if he walked through a room she was in, she would start screaming. This continued until she was about 2, then she would give him a hi-5 or say hi and bye, but thats as close as she got. She had to spend a week down there this summer (I was working nights and dad had to go out of town for a week). during that week my MIL had a Chemo session that knocked her flat, so Jody had no choice to to spend time with Grandpa. He took her to the park, out to breakfast, bowling with his Senior Bowling League, and they went for a walk every morning. Now when we go down there, she runs to give Grandma a hug and then goes to find Grandpa to say hi. She even gave him a huge hug and kiss last month when we saw them.

I would just give it time, and it will get better!

My middle child went through this with my husbands mom. I know what you mean by it becomes a very stressful and awkward situation. It wasn't until my daughter was about 2 that it got better. They only thing that I can tell you is to just let it be. There is nothing that you can do to rush or make this situation better. For whatever reason your son isn't comfortable with her right now, but as he gets older that will change. Now that my daughter is 8, she still is a little shy around her grandmother. I figured that it is because my daughter is on the quiet side and doesn't do well with people too touchy and cuddly or too much in your face. So she feels overwhelmed with this grandma. But she will go and give her a hug and talk with her briefly, but is still standoffish. She is only this way with this grandma and no one else, but she does enjoy talking to her on the phone. Our children are the way they are and we can't push them to change when they are not ready. Don't worry about it, it will get better.

I agree with Catherine. Have grandma continue to be in the room, but w/o direct contact. When the opportunity arrises, she can engage in parallel play. Also, I would try to step up the contact to once a week if possible.

At the end I think you have something. He may have a reaction to something she is wearing. Suggest that she wear no perfumes, lotions, and be light on the makeup. Something is causing a physical reaction for this is not normal. Good Luck!!! Your mother-in-law may praise you for the suggestion for by your description she is trying.

B.

Be patient. Talk positively to your little one about the mother-in-law and be exciterd about going to see her each time you go. My daughter was terrified of my husbands GodMother (His mother is passed away) and eventually she came round to her and now loves her. Took about 2 years though.

That is really weird. I have a sugestion, but the twin thing voids it. But because I can tell how stressed you are I will share this: My middle daughter would not go to my one sister (I have 4 sisters). Just did NOT take to HER at ALL! It hurt my sister's feeling bigtime, esp since my daughter adored her other aunt...
My husband and I chalked it up to the fact that my sister is BLONDE amidst all brunettes. To a little mind that may be disconcerting.
Does the twin wear heavy make-up?
If not, I would pin it on the makeup issue.
Still he is just a baby, just tell mominlaw sorry! He will accept you in time.
Because he will, but in his own time. Good luck, K.

Update -- Is the info about the make-up and twin new? If not, I'm sorry I didn't see it! My husband and his brother look very similar -- not twins, but just very similar. At first, my lovely BiL freaked out my poor son. It seemed to scare him that there was this Daddy clone. Maybe he was afraid that his Daddy would be replaced or, more likely, it was just disconcerting. My cousin did the same thing with my mom and sister, his mom. Is Grandma there at the same time as her twin? That could be upsetting for your son. Also, babies are extremely focused on faces. The make-up could absolutely be scaring him. Now, I'm not saying that Grandma looks like a clown, but just think about how many kids are afraid of clowns.
Has his grandma always approached him very slowly, giving him time to observe her before she has picked him up or been handed to him? Approaching some children too quickly, even just once, can cause this kind of reaction. Maybe if she is holding something really interesting to a baby that age (a small mirror or other shiny object) and not really focusing on him, he will want to go to her on his own -- might reach for the object -- and she can show it to him and talk to him about it, etc. Does she wear anything -- a brooch, pointy glasses, etc. -- that might habe poked him or might look scary? Does she wear fragrance? Maybe there's something like that that is making your son not want to go to her. I can only imagine how sad you must feel about this situation. Fwiw, my friend's two year-old is terrified of his uncle. His uncle is super animated, comes at him quite quickly and a bit loudly, and has a "he'll get over it" attitude. That attitude has only made things work, and as it sounds like you suspect, you father-in-law taking that attitude is not likely to help. Your husband should be able to talk to his dad and explain that you all want to help your son through this stage and that forcing a baby to do something that is upsetting him, no matter how unfounded the fear might be, will not help him get over it. It will likely have the opposite effect. Just let him be around Grandma with no pressure for several visits. Decrease the distance from her each time by a little so that he can gradually overcome his fear. Give your son more control over when to reach out for Grandma.

Hi my son was very similar at that age. This sounds ridiculous and tacky but have you tried being more cuddley with her? Here is what worked for me... While someone else maybe dad plays with him where he is able to see you but not be very close to you, try cuddling with her for an extened period of time like through a movie very casualy like you would with a child. While doing this don't bring any attention to it. Just talk normally, laugh and be freindly, her too. If you can prove to him your comfortable with her and you trust her it may rub off on him. It's worked like a charm for me every time. It may take more than once, feels awkward and silly but worth it.

A little about me, I am a work at home mom, happily married to my best friend, with two amazing kids ages 9-a girl and
3-a boy.

Hi J.,

My son was also strange with my MIL who is a wonderfully warm woman with whom I have a close relationship. They finally really bonded when I left them completely alone. I realized that we were all stressing out. I was stressed he didn't like her, he was stressed because I was stresssed, and she was stressed about how I would interpret her play with him. I remember wondering why she seemed to stand offish but she was trying to make me proud and comfortable. Well, she wasn't acting like herself and kids are pretty good at calling the bullsh*t. Anyway, we asked them to babysit one day because my son was ill and my husband and I both HAD to go to work. They did come the night before and stayed the night. They bonded that day and made up for lost time.

I think you have to honestly leave though and give them time to figure it out together...sort of a "we're stuck together, let's make it work" type of thing. If it's awful, your MIL can call and you can go back to just waiting it out.

Good luck in whatever you do!

T

My uncle's granddaughter also cries within seconds when he holds her. He is from out of the country and I strongly suspect it is the subtle odor he has (from a different diet in this case).

Have your Mom-in-law comes without makeup or perfume or ?? and see if it is her scent that the baby is sensitive to.

I once held a neighbors' baby and she started crying within a minute. Her mom has had a strong sweet smell of lactation when I took her, and I had none which is different, so I attribute/ blame this to scent. Weeks and months later, the baby comes to me with no problems.

My now nearly 3 year old son was the same way! He would not even look at my mother! She told other people that she thought he had a problem, possibly autism. At some point, probably around 2 years, he became interactive with her. I don't know what changed, but now they enjoy being around each other. I think my mother is a little intense and maybe he picked up on it? I know how desperate you are, but just give your baby time. Don't force it. I don't know how you will explain this to your MIL, though. Hang in there!

Hi J., Our goddaughter did the same thing with my husband from about 9 weeks until she was about a year and a half. She was 9 weeks and someone handed her over to him and she just started screaming and shaking and turning red. He couldn't even look at her sometimes or she would start screaming. Once she hit 18 months it completely stopped and all of a sudden she loved everybody, including my husband. She is 12 now and they have a great relationship. I'm not sure what to suggest, but just wanted to encourage you that he'll probably grow out of it. S.

Hi J.! My daughter is 9 1/2 months old and she is the same way with my mother in law. My son who wis 4 was also this way with my in laws. It is very uncomfortable to see your baby crying and staring at you while someone else is holding him or her. When my daughter is crying I usually go to her. You might want to try maybe spending time with your mom in law, just the three of you and kind of be there with your baby and her. When he is ready to go to your mom in law, he will. I wouldn't force it. They will be fine eventually. Good luck!

Hello J.,
My daughter was like this, but with almost everyone. She especially didn't/doesn't like anyone who smokes. The best thing that I found to work is if the person/people who she isn't really happy around didn't acknowledge her very much. They would say hi, while she was safe in my arms, and then go on talking to me, watching TV or whatever. We would let her play and make her way out of my arms. Then someone could approach her. My daughter became VERY overwhelmed when too many people approached at once or if there were too many people in the room. Holidays were a joke, she wouldn't let me put her down. I takes time and patents. Explain to your MIL that it is your little boy. It's hard to take, but the less "stressed" or whatever you want to call, she is, the quicker he will take a liking to her.
Not that this is my opinion of a good idea (and I wasn't happy when it happened) but my cousin gave my daughter a bite of his doughnut and she loved him from that moment on (at about 10 months) =o)
Best of luck!
C.