Obsessive Compulsive Mother-In-Law

My father took my husband out to his farm and showed him where he wanted us to build our home. It was a generous offer of beautiful farmland sitting at the top of a beautiful Tennessee hill with a view to die for, gorgeous sunrises, even more beautiful sunsets. My husband did not want to build a home on family land that no one in the family would ever let him sell. I was a full time mommy at the time. Building a house would have meant that I had to go back to work full time. I was furious. My husband was caught in the middle. I went straight to the farm and I dealt with my daddy. I told him that I really appreciated his generous offer. But that right now I loved being a full time mommy and building a home would change all of that for me. I was gentle. I was kind. I was very appreciative of how much daddy loved me to offer us his land. And daddy understood. If my husband had tried to explain that to him, daddy would have considered him an ungrateful SOB and hated him forever.

That is when I realized if it was my responsibility to deal with MY DADDY when he was out of line and trying to control our lives. Then it was my hubby's responsibility to deal with HIS MOTHER when she was out of line. Trust me, she has been out of line many, many times down through the years. Have a heart to heart talk with your hubby. HIS MOTHER will always love him, no matter what he ever says to her, no matter what he ever does right or wrong. Just like my daddy loves me. She will never stop loving him more than life itself. You on the other hand...are a different story. If you shoot it straight with her she will hate you until her dying day and sabatog your marriage behind your back every chance she gets. Make a pact with your husband. When there are any issues with your family you will deal with them. Tell your hubby it is his job to deal with HIS MOMMA!

Your Husband needs to take charge of this, as it is his mother. It does not seem as though she will respect your requests anyway, so be sure you & your husband are on the same page & let him talk to her.

Breathe deep. You are doing the right thing by making an effort.

Dont let him say to her "Monique wants you to..." Be sure he phrases things in terms of "Mom, it is important to me that my son not get so much sugar..."

Dont let him inadvertently throw you under the bus, be sure he presents the family wishes as a decision supported by BOTH of you.

Good luck!!

P

Your husband has got to tell his mother to back down -- it is not a battle you should fight, and even if you "win", you still lose. He's got to take the lead, and if he doesn't, your problem is with him, not your MIL. After you and he come to an agreement on what needs to be done (and make sure you listen to what he has to say, and not just insist that you are right and everything you say is the way to go -- be ready to "give" a little), then he needs to approach his mother and tell her that when you have exerted your parental authority in a matter, that she is showing profound disrespect of you, and is teaching her grandson to disrespect you as well, by countermanding your decision.

But also, you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and make sure you are as right as you think you are -- and also, to see if it is worth it to fight her on the small stuff. Maybe your son was a little warm; maybe he did need a drink. I know you don't need to be directed in the care of your son as if you yourself were a child who didn't know any better, but try to look at it from a soft-hearted grandma's perspective. At best, she just wants what is best for her grandson; at worst, she just wants to get under your skin and get a reaction from you. If she wants the best, you can smile and comply; if she wants the worst, you MUST smile and pretend like it doesn't bother you, because if she is goading you to get a reaction, then by reacting you are giving her exactly what she wants.

You know the saying, "it takes two to tango" -- well, it also takes two to fight. If you stop fighting, then she can't continue.

It will take A LOT OF EFFORT to change the habit patterns of the past 20 years; but you can't change her, so you can only work on yourself.

Monique, all of your responses are GREAT but I would encourage you to pray about it, no matter what your faith.

Remember this:

Remember to always do what is best for YOU and YOUR family.

(that may differ from what MIL thinks or would have done but let her know you have been married for x number of years I think you said 20 and have been a mother for x number of years and if you dont' know what you are doing by now, then you are in trouble.... but you do know so relax... and don't let MIL steal your joy)

I just wanted to aplaude you for recognizing your triggers! So many people play the 'it's all them' game, so I think you are half way there.

You and your husband need to sit down and develop an 'acceptable/unacceptable' list you both agree on. There are issues you both need to decide are worth fighting and some others that can be tolerated (albeit through gritted teeth!) It will help to do this when you are both calm and rationale, rather than in the heat of the moment.

Then you need to stick to it, but your husband should take the lead in telling his mother that your non-negotiables are not acceptable or will not be tolerated. If she argues, then the request should be followed up with consequences (if you can't back up or decision about XYZ, then we will go home). Don't threaten, follow through.

I wish you the best. Deal with some in my own family, so I understand the strain it can place on everyone, including you and your spouse!

Sounds like she wants to be in control! How does your husband feel about it? Maybe he should talk to her. I think if you get down to it, she is a mom and will always be a mom. But sounds like, no matter what you do, it is not good enough. Put it back on her plate. For instance, when she says your son needs a drink, say, can you get if for him, I am busy doing..... She says he needs longer pants on, say ok, can you go to his room and get him some. Basicly, when she requests YOU to do something, politely put it back on her to do it. Hopefully she will either do it or grow tired of being "asked" to do it! YOu could even start giving her things to do that Grandmas always love doing. Call her out of the blue and say, "your grandson is really wanting a new ______ (fill in the blank, skateboard, bike, swim trunks, etc). Would you like to get it for him?" Anything is worth a shot!

You didn't mention what your husband does or says in these situations so I assume that he just sort of stays out of the way at times. Unfortunately, he is going to have to be the one who puts his foot down. I have made it very clear to my Mother-in-law (and to my own Mom)that I will not budge on 2 things.. his eating habits and his sleeping habits. The rest she can get creative with. I established this when I was pregnant and there would be no arguments tolerated in these departments. So far we've only had one close call. But, my husband had to be the one to say that these are his beliefs as well and he was also very adamant about his not budging. I think that is why his Mom holds her tongue and keeps her promises. My point is this: you and your husband both will have to sit her down together and tell her what is expected while you are raising YOUR son and that you very much want her to be a part of that experience, but there are ground rules (pick the most important ones) and if she cannot abide by these rules then her visits will be limited until she can agree to your wishes. It is the only way that she will get the picture. It sounds harsh and if she chooses to get mad and leave or stay away from you guys for a bit.. that is her choice. She will come around, especially when you send her cards from your son saying how much he misses his Grand:) Good luck!

Do you and I have the same mother in law?

Have you and your husband sat down and had a talk with her? If not, take the time to do so.

Take her out to dinner (minus your son) and in a very relaxed casual way let her know that she is hurting your feelings and being very disrespectful by doing things behind your back. The key to this conversation is how releaxed you talk about it.

I'd like to take the mother-in-law's side, or at least show her perspective. It's not easy being the mother of a son. He relies on you completely when he's younger, and then when he marries you're expected to give up all claims to him. Think about it. If I had a daughter, she would come to me, assuming we had a good relationship, and ask me questions during her pregnancy and how to raise her child. I did that with my mother, and I've seen many women do the same. But the man's mother is supposed to keep her distance, not give too much advice, and be content with that. I have all sons, so I know how the rest of my life will be, and I just pray that the my other boys marry good, kind women who include me.

I do have one daughter-in-law, and we get along well, but I rarely see her. They live overseas in her parents' village. There were times, during her last visit, when she asked me not to buy more toys for her daughter. That bothered me, but I learned to live with it. I've had to pull back and control some of my impulses because I want my son and his wife to have a happy home.

But it's not easy. You know what they say: "A daughter's a daughter all of her life but a son is a son till he takes a wife." I have six sons and no daughters, so unless my future daughters-in-law are very understanding, I will be very much alone. She raised your husband, and at one time he depended on her as much as your son depends on you. You are the wife and mother, but don't sweat the small stuff. Let her spoil him a little, and talk with her woman to woman, not as rivals but as comrades. My daughter-in-law and I are at a very good place right now, woman to woman, and that's the way it should be.

I agree with the other posts that your husband needs to address this issue with his mother. That being said, I also think that you need (for your own health and happiness as well as your family's) to pick your battles and let a lot of this slide. My MIL lives with us and we get along great but I let a lot of things roll off my back. She is not critical of me but she thinks she is always right. So most of the time I let her believe she is right. A lot of times she does have good advice and helps a lot but sometimes I don't agree with her. If it is a big issue and I don't feel comfortable addressing it in a calm manner, I ask my husband to talk to her. He is pretty good at addressing any issues with her. Does it really make a big difference if you put long pants on your son just to make MIL happy? I think it is really important to have grandparents and other family members in our kids' lives so we, as adults, have to make it work. So I make it work as best I can so that my kids can have their Nana (who they love so much) in their life. It sounds like you realize this too. Also, sometimes I think the more you think and talk about these issues, the bigger they get and the harder it is to let things go. Good luck.

It is up to your husband to talk to his mother. If he's like me, he'll need some counseling therapy before he can. A therapist will teach him to set boundaries for her.

It's a common problem. A lot of people have trouble snaping that last maternal thread.
It's very important to your son and your marriage that he go through with it.

With my mother I made a list of boundaries with my therapist and met with my mother to give them to her. Rules like: don't parent my child without my permission, don't critize me. We'd end the visit immediately if she crossed the line. It made her mad and it was a rough year but she learned and now we can have good visits.

I laughed when I saw the title to your post because that is so my mother-in-law. I see features of both my mother and my mother-in-law in your situation, and if I didn't live 8 hours away by car from them, I might too end up feeling like a crazy person! (not that I don't anyway half the time, but...) This is often like dealing with an oppositional child - you've got to pick your battles (in advance so you don't just blow up over something small that isn't worth the fight), ignore what can be ignored and praise "good behavior" - "I really love when you..." whatever it is she does that you like. But beyond that, and this is my relationship with my mother-in-law whom I've known since I was 14 when she wasn't my mother-in-law, I would take her to coffee or something away from the hubby and kid and have a heart to heart. Saying something like, "we've really been butting heads lately which I feel really bad about because I want us to get along and enjoy <insert your son's name> together" Then I'd try very hard to be nice and diplomatic and say something like "you remember how hard it is to be a first time mom - it really hurts me when you don't honor my requests - I know you want to be his grandma and let him do things I'd rather him not do, and that's ok - but there are a few things that I feel really strongly about <outline no more than 3 or 4 things here>" Listen to her if she is upset about any of your behavior - maybe she was embarrassed at being yelled at in front of others or maybe she really is having trouble remembering your requests - if she's getting older, this can be an issue, it is for my mother-in-law and she's just 60 - half the time she tells me the same story she just told me 30 minutes ago. Try to figure out if there are certain situations in which the problem happens the most and try to plan ahead for those - are other people feeding into the issue? If so you may need to address that with other people.

I kind of disagree that you should have your husband do it. He's probably a great guy and a great son, but he's not a mom. He can't empathize with you or your mom in the same way you can empathize with each other. Plus then you ARE putting him in the middle of the power struggle where each of you feels he should side with you, and that is hard for him. Imagine if your son needed to choose between you or his wife? You'd be hurt even if you knew he should choose his wife because that is his new family.

Finally, I agree with the people who say to relax, but I of all people know it's easier said than done. I am definitely perfectionistic about things, way more so than I ever thought I was, and I am having to learn to go with the flow or else go nuts. I wanted to plan out my daughters first birthday with all kids of special touches - I was going to print up photo books with captions for people to look at, I was going to get her a special engraved piece of jewelry as a present, I was going to order a cake from a specialty bakery and make my famous meatballs...do you think any of that happened? Nope. I work and am very busy so, we ordered out some pastries and a deli tray the day before, picked out a premade cake at the grocery store which the guy behind the counter wrote messily on "Happy 1sT birthday" exactly like that, I got her a ride on/push toy from Target for 30 bucks, and I left my laptop up with the pictures on screen saver for people to look at. My daughter didn't take her morning nap because she was took excited by the visiting grandparents so she practically fell asleep in her cake - but everyone had fun, the cake was pretty tasty, my daughter loves her push toy, and I had deli meat for lunches for days afterward. And we got some cutie patootie pictures. It all works out, even if not how you planned, so unless it's actively something that's undermining you as a mom or putting him in immediate danger, don't worry about it. I let my mom put socks on my kid all the time and it's like 90 degrees out. No biggie.

Best of luck and know that many of us are right here with you!

You are within your rights as a parent at this point to say, "Mom-in-law, these are our rules, and we are the parents here. If you do not support our rules, your unlimited contact will be revoked and it will be invitation only visits with the grandchildren." This woman has no respect for boundaries. That's why you've been fighting over your husband for 20 years. I'm curious to know what your husband's response has been to all of these struggles. If he just backs away slowly or if he in other ways refuses to stand up for you as his wife and as your child's mother with the final say so, then your husband is partly responsible for the problem. It is up to the two of you together to lay the ground rules, preferably with him leading the charge. It is up to him as his mother's son and your husband to enforce the ground rules and call her on bad behavior. It is up to both of you to protect your parental authority and basic boundaries from your mother-in-law. This is not an enjoyable situation, but you do not have to live like this. Talk to your husband and get to work establishing what you will and won't tolerate together. Then have him have "the talk" with his mom. Hopefully things will improve. Good luck.

Your HUSBAND is the person that should be taking control of the situation. She is his mother not yours. Would be ever dare think or consider telling your mother and dealing with her the way you deal with his?! More than likely not.
Place your husband in to the assertive role as HEAD OF YOUR HOME and walk away. Either he likes the chaos or he is a jerk and you need to look at other aspects of your marriage.
You mother in law does what she does because she CAN. You husband enables her behavior. I guarntee if your husband stated CLEARLY to his mother before she stepped into HIS home what behaviors on her part are allowed in HIS home she would change her tune and you would love him even more and you and she might even get along very well.
It's not you, it's not your child, and it isn't your mother in law..it's your hubby dear. Doesn't make him a bad person, but he is no longer the child in the home.
Good luck.

It would probably be best if you could talk to your husband and the two of you sit down with her and just explain that this is YOUR family and you WILL do things your way (you & hubby). She needs to know that you respect her kind suggestions, but that after that she needs to back off and let the 2 of you be the parents. I personally have always had issue with my MIL too, even now that she is 92! She's not OCD, but dingey!
Best of luck. You may have to get very firm with her, but you need your husband standing with you.
L.

My mother in law is exactly the same and if there is one thing I have learned it is that THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE. EVER! It is frustrating I know and if your husband is like mine he is not much help. THe only thing I can tell you is that what I have done is decided to pick my battles. I let the little stuff go or act like I didn't hear it. Then I only take her on w/the bigger stuff. She seems to pay more attention then because she now knows if I speak up it is something I feel strongly about. Your right in that it is a total power struggle. It is VERY hard to hold your tongue I know but if you can just decide what is really important and then go to the mat over that only it may help. WHen your son gets older he will start to see how she is for himself.

What does your husband say? He needs to tell his mother that this is his son and he welcomes her to the home and suggested comments, but you and him are raising the boy and will make mistakes through the years and it is her job to RESPECT your home and rules. Just as she would have wanted with her in-laws. Good luck

I am pretty much in the same situation. Maybe worse in ways. My mother in law is a bull in a china shop. She is pushy, rude, an simply does what she wants....WHEN she wants. I have actually come home to her throwing away my plants on the front porch and her re-arranging my living room furniture. She comes over when ever she wants... doesn't even call. Holy Crap. She has two sons.... and my husband isn't the momma's boy....(I feel for my sister in-law)
But the way I handle it is... I don't. I once got 'into it' with her over her throwing out the plants. This was before my first child was born. My husband actually got mad at me for saying anything. Well then he started seeing her for who she is. Someone trying ot stay in control of her 'babies' lives. Then he started to 'handle' the problems. Years later she is no better. But we don't deal with it either. By that I mean, if we don't tell her in a firm voice and make eye contact w/ her she will still try to run all over us. And when she can she tries to get me alone and make decisions for us still. UGGG. But I get say 'we'll talk about it', then tell my hubby and he usually explodes on her.
We talk about how to handle her with my father in law and he has told me over and over to just push back.... but I was raised to respect my elders, and talk to people with respect. I have to be REALLY mad to say anything.
Bottom line is, here is my Advice, take a deep breath & pick up your little guy and walk away... tell your hubby to control the problem... discuss issues before she shows up so you both are on the same side when she starts in. Let him handle her. We know she loves our children and means the best, even when she thought we should tie our daughters rattle to her neck so it wouldn't hit the floor so often...OMG. We want her to be involved in her grandchildren's lives so we have to deal. I am sorry if I was long winded, it's just a touchy subject for me as you can see.

I have no advice, I am in the same boat. My husband is on board with everything, but she still ignores our wishes and refuses so tell my boys no. Sugar/pop/food/too much TV/favortism is still a huge issue but we've moved on to much bigger things like lighting matches/candles. It's almost as if whatever we say no to she says yes. I just try to limit their time together to 2 or 3 times a month.

I thought my mother-in-law was hard to deal with. It sounds like it is going to take you and your husband to tell her enough is enough we have rules for our son and that she needs to follow them to. That seems to be the only way for my mother-in-law to listen to me is for my husband to step in and say Mom this is the way we do things we do not want you to do that. I hope this helps I really know where your coming from and I wish you lots of luck.

Hey Monique, I love your post. I think we all face this, if we are lucky enough to have the grandmas in our lives. I feel myself in your shoes also and not just because I'm a farm girl also. Let me guess, your husbands family is definately not the farm type!!
It could always be worse. I dealing with the second guessing of my mother who lonly lives a mile away. I get the same, it's cold, looks like it could rain, she's hungry and I've got 5 kids for her to do this with. Also get it with we don't allow cokes, Mt. Dew. Sunday, Mothers Day, we were together and I see one of my daughters walking around with a Mt. Dew. My mom said she didn't know they weren't allowed. WHATEVER!! My oldest is 7 yrs. old and they have never been allowed soft drinks. I did make sure to point out why they are not allowed when one of my daughters was bouncing off the wall later.
Remember I said it could be worse...My in-laws (in there 80's) live in Florida in the winter and in an apartment over our garage in the summer. Kinda lucky though, my mother-in-laws nerves can't handle much of the kids. The worst thing she does is smokes around my kids. I usually just take them inside. It's always outside because we don't allow smoking in the house. Don't think she hasn't though. But my husband stands up to her on that one.
I do see how much my kids enjoy having the grandparents around. I know they won't be here forever. And negativity towards the in-laws, husband would remember.
Probably is best to bite your tongue as hard as it can be. The occassional "he's fine" with an evil eye is definately in order.
GOOD LUCK!!!

Monique,
From my experience, there are times when a blow up between the two of you is needed so you can move on. Things finally came to head between my MIL and me and now things are much better. She now understands that she is no longer #1 in my husbands life. That being said, don't count on your husband to make her aware of that, even though you say yours is ready to do so. After all, if what you say about her being a master manipulator is true, it could backfire on you. Simply let her know what your house rules are upon or before her arrival and make her aware that if she choses not to follow them, she will not be allowed back. And follow through with that threat just as you would with a child.
Finally, some advise that was given to me when I was having problems: Promise yourself that you will never do this to your future daughter in law. Good luck.

Hi Monique,
I would discuss this with my husband and ask for his input on the situation. I would ask him to set some boundries for his mother when she visits. I would also have my own boundries to add to his. Then I would set down with the both of them and discuss the boundries. I would also let the mother in law know that it is our house and she needs to respect us as such. If she cant do that then limit the time she has to visit to so many days a week and maybe say an hour and half per visit. Your her grandchilds parent and she should respect you and you wishes as such.

1st what does your husband think about it and does he ever give her any boundaries? You have to be on the same page. By the way, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. When I 1st got married my MIL would we do everything I did. I stopped doing everything and focused on my son. When she complained to my hubby he stood up for me and that was that. Now she even calls to talk to me before asking for him. I would give her an ultimatum, if she can't behave herself then she will be asked to leave. It can be said in a nice manner, but it has to be from both of you. You just simply tell her once and then if she does it again. Tell her " I'm sorry you feel this way, maybe we should get together some other day" help her out the door and tell her to drive safely. If you had someone else come over and kept doing that how would you handle it? You might have to say something like "I know it's hard to remember but," and say it as respectfully as possible. Sometimes if you play their game, they will be incline to give in and act nicer. I really hope you can get your MIL to see what she is doing and she comes around. Good luck, and God Bless all of you.

Monique, it is interesting that you used the anaology of two teen-aged girls fighting over a boyfriend. That is, in fact, exactly what is going on. Your mil was the primary woman in his life for twenty years. To start with, she sounds as though she may have some control issues. She was accustomed to being the one to take care of your husbands needs. Then you came along ... you homewrecking hussy, you! She never made the adjustment and you picked up on her animosity which, in turn, dictated how you would relate to her. Now you are stuck in a twenty year old battle over something neither of you can control ... your husband. But you both still want to be the most important woman in his life. Obviously, his mother needs to learn how to accept the fact that she is no longer the one to fill that role. And it will take some really tough steps on your part, and your husband will have to be there to back you up 100%.

Take an opportunity the next time your mil comes to visit to spend some time alone with her. Let her know that you are tired of the tension between you. Tell her that you love her for her wonderful son and you need and want her support. (This is where you tread on treacherous waters) Explain to her that, while you appreciate her concern for your family, she raised a fine and wise and intelligent son and the two of you have to be allowed to oversee your own home, just as she was and is in charge of hers. Discuss the basic problem issues like wanting to put a coat on your son when he goes out whether he needs it or not. (Yes, you've gone through this before and before and before.) My mom was the the same way when my kids were small. I pointed out (repeatedly) that not everyone has the same sensibilities about weather and not everyone feels hot or cold at the same temperature. After that, when she would make a comment about my son needing to put on a coat, I would laughingly tell my son, "Dylan, put a jacket on, your grandmother's cold!" He, of course, knew I was teasing but it eventually became a big joke that even my mother figured out. The issue of feeding him after you have put restrictions on it is a far more serious problem. You can try to, gently, explain to her that you need to be able to control his diet, for his own health and well-being, and while you don't want to anger her, you also don't want to have to worry about what your son is eating while you're not around. Tell her she needs to check with you and your husband before feeding your son ANYTHING. Tell her that, because she is such an important part of your husband's life, you want her to be an important part of your life as well. (And try not to grit your teeth too much while you say it.) Invite her to help you find solutions to your mutual problems; make her feel like she is part of the family and part of your inner circle instead of being pushed to the outside. (You might even consider calling her on the phone on a regular basis just to talk and catch her up on what's going on in your family's world so she will feel more a part of it instead of a stranger on the outside looking in. You would be amazed at how a little thing like that can make such a big difference in a person.)

You cannot change your mother in law, only how you relate to her. Change your part of the equation and she will, even without being aware of it, slowly begin to change hers. And you will gradually begin to genuinely feel the behaviors and feelings you present to her. It'll be tough. The three of you (your husband included) have been playing your roles for so long it will not be an easy change. But if you are willing to take the first step, it will not only improve your relationship with your mil but will make your husband love you even more for making the effort.
Good luck.

You just completely described my Mother...so I know what you are going through.

For what ever reason she is trying to make you feel incompetent (clothing...) as a Mother and sending the message to your son that it's ok not to listen to you (cake...) I'd say she is either angry, extremely lonely, or selfish and it might not have anything to do with your family.

Just know, it's HER problem, not yours. Unfortunately, you only have two options. Confront her and tell her she can't be around your child if she at least, doesn't stop trying to overrule your choices for your child, tell her you welcome her advice, but the final say is yours and mean it.

Or, just accept her for who she is. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her. Let her be the spoiling Grandma she is so desperate to be for whatever need it fulfills in her.

I know it's not what you want to hear, cause I sure didn't want to hear it, but you'll never find peace until you do one of the two.

My situation was a little more extreme and sadly, I do not talk to my Mother anymore, but I am not mad at her, I accept her, buy I also realize that I must protect my children from harm, emotional included.

Your child = your rules. Your home = your rules. If mother-in-law doesn't like it, she does not have to visit. She must respect any rules set out pertaining to your child or perhaps she doesn't get to see him. Time to pull in the "visit any time" welcome mat.

It's time for your husband to step in and deal with HIS mother. In my eyes, he is showing great disrespect for you by not standing up to his mother. According to my mother-in-law, the husband must take the side of his wife and family and his mother needs to take a back seat.

Best of luck!! I'll be rooting for you and your husband.

Hey Monique,

You have probably tried this, but sit down with her one on one and explain how you feel. You love her son, and are his wife. You love her, but she needs to respect you and your decisions in your home. You dont want to limit her visits or her time with her grand child, but she must know her boundaries. He is YOUR child, and it is YOUR rules..period. No exceptions. Mother-in-laws can be a blessing or a real pain... sorry, sounds like you got the pain!!! :-)

Okay, here I go again. (I am a Marriage and Family Therapist). I highly recommend you get some professional help in this matter. Your husband has not found a way to separate healthily from his mother. Cutting her out will not change the influence she has on your family. Your husband's actions will still be in relation to her influence whether she is actually present or not. Clear boundaries need to be set. You and your husband need to decide together on how much your MIL is in your lives. Then he needs to enforce them. Unless and until this happens, nothing is going to change. Your MIL did not "make" your husband an alcoholic. She is responsible for her behavior but he is responsible for how he chose to react to it. Your son needs you and your husband to be a team in all aspects of your life. Your MIL can only misbehave if she is allowed to. She does not have a "right" to be a part of her grandson's life. It is a privilege she earns by accepting you as his mother and you and your husband as his parents who set the rules she needs to abide by, even if she disagrees. I would also recommend books by Harriet Lerner (Dance of Anger, Dance of Connection, etc) to help you define and enforce appropriate boundaries.
Good luck,
L. D.

Where is your husband when all this is going on. It is HIS mother and he needs to be a "BIG BOY" and talk to her. If you don't have him on your side, you might as well forget it. Talk to him and tell him how you feel, calmly. He needs to tell her the ground rules and that your and his rules go when she is at your home.

It is quite possible nothing will change and if that happens, you may have to change your open door policy. I know new grandparents want to see their grandchildren as much as possible, but you may just have to set what days she can come over and for how long and then have something else to do when she is there. Or she could take your son to the park or something for an afternoon and give you some time for you.

You are not failing miserably in trying to build a strong family. Unfortunately, there will be those people in your life you make you feel like you've been run over by a truck. Just remember to do what is best for you and your family.

Monique,
I know you already have so many responses to your request but i wanted to give you my 2 cents. I agree with a lot of the women on here, you should not be the one to confront your MIL, your hubby should. But speaking of your husband, does he go to AA meetings? And what about you? Al-anon meetings are wonderful for family members of alcoholics. It teaches you about boundaries, anger management and the 12 step program for both AA and Al-anon meetings can help tremendously in a lot of everyday situations. If you are sure you want to be the one to talk to your MIL really think in depth before doing it. Ask yourself, what will I gain for doing this? How will this help our family? Will I feel better after talking to her or will I feel defeated and emotionally drained? Will talking to her make me a better mom? I relate to your situation because my Dad is a lot like your MIL. My answers would be: nothing, it would put more strain on our family, I would feel worse in the end, I'm already a good mom but I can't be a good one if this weight is on my shoulders. If your answers are similar to mine or aren't in your favor then you should definately get prepared and do one of the following:
1)think of a different approach-for example write her a letter
2)don't confront the MIL at all and find other ways to deal with her through other resources.
3)have the hubby talk to her.
Also if venting on here felt good for you try journaling! I have a zip drive that is password protected and whenever I'm having an awful day I just type like there's no tomorrow! It's therapuetic and really takes the weight off your shoulders. Lastly, I would check out the book "How to Deal With People You Can't Stand". In the book you might find some good and healthy stratagies on how to approach your MIL. You can find the book at Officemax or Office Depot. Maybe your hubby can skim over it too. Good luck!!!

I think that this is your husband's battle to fight. This is his mother and he needs to put up some firm boundaries. You are the one caught in the middle and if he stood up to her with some gentle firmness the issues would be improved. She is not going to (probably ever) totally observe or respect your rules or wishes, but she is more likely to listen and heed his requests.

Good luck. I had the same problem too, but fixed them with good firm boundaries and alot of humor.

C.

Ohhhh I got stressed out reading your entry! My mother in law and I have a strained relationship as well, almost like you mentioned about a struggle with the boyfriend. I will tell you what we have done and maybe you can use 'some' of my advice toward your own situation.

Every single time my MIL would be visiting I would get in a bad mood the day BEFORE her visit. I would be looking for trouble! this went on for years when finally my husband and I finally had words over it. We never fight so this was huge for us. I cried and he told me that I am looking for trouble. He says he knows she is hard to deal with but that I should stay away from her when she was here. He always goes into the other room to watch tv, or in the kitchen to cook, etc while I am always left to entertain her. I told him that I had no choice but to entertain b/c he always left the room! We agreed that he would not leave my side if I would try not to find fault in her every word. This worked 'some' until she finally upset me over and over again. We 'had it out' as you say. So this time I told my husband it is up to HIM to respect his wife and to defend me against his mother who thinks I am not good enough for him! He FINALLY broke down, got courage, took her to lunch, and I am sure very nicely told her that she is rude to me and needs to watch her words and mind her own business. He told her that he loves me and that I am his wife now and whether she approves or not is besides the point. She is to respect me and be polite to me or she will not be invited into our home. Things have REALLY gotten better over the last 2 yrs. Now, we don't talk much, I keep my mouth shut when she says something I don't like...I literally act like I did not hear her. If she asks or taunts me again, I will answer her as kindly as I can...example: Your son needs pants on, it is getting cool out...I will say, "thanks for your concern, he is ok for now but if it gets any cooler out, I will make sure he is dressed appropriately." She huffs but then I walk away. If she asks something inappropriate, which she ALWAYS does when my husband is NOT around, instead of getting upset, babbling on b/c I am upset or nervous, I get up or call my husband into the room and say, "sweety, your mother wants to know when I am going to get a job, I thought that was something for us both to answer" or "sweety, your mother thinks our son needs pants on, what do you think?" and then he will tell her that WE have decided on such and such....she shuts up. So, my advice to you is that your husband MUST take her to lunch alone and have a talk with her. It is causing friction in your marriage which she most likely is ok with. I would tell him that you two are a team and that she upsets you when she butts into your business or tells you how to raise your children. I would tell him that you need his support and however he can manage a talk with her, however he must say it, he must do it. My husband really respects his mother even though she is a pain in is butt too...BUT, this is a big but....his respect for his mother is one of the very reasons that I love him. He is amazing and respects me too. In the meantime and in the future, you MUST stay busy when she is there. You MUST hang out with your husband in the room and he MUST speak out if she says something offensive BEFORE it would be time for you to answer. Also, if you are outside, play with your kids, if you are inside, cook, clean, whatever you have to do to NEVER be alone with her. I sometimes even get a headache and go lay down. Or, I will wait until she arrives to go take my shower. Leave her alone w/ my husband and kids while I take an hour to get ready! :O) Just be strong, bite your tongue...I truly have learned that it works out better when I do NOT respond to her as I used to. I stop and think twice before answering, literally take a moment, gather yourself, and either respond strongly but politely or say that you are not sure, go get your hubby and ask him to answer for you. Yes, put him on the spot! It is his mom and it is his duty to defend you. If your mom was rude to him, you would handle her right???

Let me know how it goes!

W.

I agree with the other posters....it is time for your husband to step into this one. Your MIL is never going to respect you. She sees herself as dominant, and nothing you can say will change this. Your husband needs to lay the groundrules, with you there in the conversation so that you can all come to a mutual understanding and you are all party to the discussion. If he refuses to assist, then it is time to pull the "grandma" rights and maintain your own household. Good Luck!

Hi Monique,
First, I want to start off by saying that you are NOT a failure. Your problem is fairly common, although that probably doesn't help you feel any better.

It is kind of sad that you feel like it is best to keep your distance from her. Try to remember that she won't be around forever, and that when, one day, she is gone, that time can never be brought back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, try to let it slide when your MIL is around your son. If she is not around him much, try your best to grit your teeth and ignore the cold weather comments and whether you are giving him enough to drink, etc. Even let the sweets issue slide, unless there are valid medical reasons for him not eating them, not just because it is healthier. Now I know this is tough, because I deal with that issue with my own children, wanting them to eat as healthy as possible, but like a few others have said, eating sweets during her visit won't make a big difference in the big picture. From her perspective, she just wants to be the doting grandma, and she sees it as you being the one keeping her from being the kind of grandma she wants to be.

It is definitely a control issue, and what I suspect is going on, is that she doesn't like having what she perceives as no control over her grandson, nor submitting to you as the authority with your son (although, of course, YOU are the authority and should be). But she is not your mother, and there lies the problem.

I wonder what she would do if, on her next visit, you willingly let her do what she pleases in regards to your son? She would not be expecting it, and maybe after several visits and her experiencing this, it would dawn on her that she doesn't have to force issues with you anymore, and that you support her being a doting grandma (within reason). Then possibly she would back off a little bit. And even if she doesn't, your grandson will have good memories of his grandma with no bad vibes in the air. It would be a huge sacrifice on your part, because it is not easy for a new mom to give up control of what is rightfully hers, but again, this would be for just short periods when MIL came to visit.

You also need to set some guidelines with your husband BEFORE your MIL comes to visit again. Tell him that it is up to him to let his mother know what is acceptable and what is not. Decide before she comes, what is acceptable and what is not. Make sure he is prepared to deal with it and back your mutual decisions NO MATTER WHAT. Like other posters have said, if it is coming from him and not presented as "Monique told me to", she will appreciate it more and possibly abide by it.

I know it's hard, but try to remember that all she really wants is to feel important in her grandson's (and son's) life. She lost her son to you when you married, and she already knows that it is only when they are really young, like your son, that it is much easier for parents/grandparents to do things for them. As children get older, they naturally begin to want to do more things on their own and don't appreciate the gestures as much. Sounds like she is trying to relive those early years with her son with her grandson.

It sounds like you are doing a great job with your little boy. As long as your husband and son know that, you have all the support you need. And I'm sure they're not the only ones who know that anyway ;-)

Hey, Sweetie!

Good news (for you, anyway). This is hubby's job to tell 'Mom' once and for all that YOU are the child's parents. She raised hers the way she wanted, and now it's time to let YOU raise yours the way you choose. You (and hubby, agreeing together) make the rules and SHE goes by them, or she's not welcome. It's a bitter pill for him to have to swallow, but everyone will admire and respect him more for doing it. If not, they don't need to be in your son's life. Dad is not only 'allowed' to be the father (protector, defender, etc), he's required to be.

P.S. After reading your other posts (and feeling all smug about what a good mother-in-law I am), I realized that I only have a son-in-law!! Our boys aren't marred (nor have they dated seriously). You just have to decide which issues are worth standing up for (and DO!), and which ones are 'non-issues'. After all, she DID evidently do an 'OK' job of raising your husband, or you wouldn't like him! LOL

My mil and I are getting along a lot better than before. I couldn't stand the sound of her name or the sight of her face. Then I came to realize, that I wasn't the only one. Her own family and friends would smile in her face, but behind her back they would say something different. She's the lady in the crowd, who is standing firmly by herself.

I meet people and instantly we get along. Of course, I would have liked to brag that my mil and I were getting along who wouldn't, right? My husband manipulated the whole program, with things that had happened in their past. My husband and his mom, had a falling out and they hadn't spoken in years.

My husband and I met while this was still going on. Being a mother myself, I felt it was my duty to help them get back on track. When Mother's Day came around, I pushed the issue for him to buy her a card, so he picked out the cheapest one he could find. On his mom's wedding day, he slipped away to call me, and left early.

He acted like a total brat. So guess what happened on our wedding day? She acted like a total brat. So for him and unfortunately for me, we had to endure her attitude and rudeness. So she got him back for acting out at her wedding and I had to pay the price too, right along with him.

Guilt started kicking in on both their parts, and by this time our second child was born. His mother was now a grandmother, and he was willing to do anything it took not to loose her again. This didn't sit well with me, I was still disappointed in her behavior during our wedding.

She never said "sorry" and my husband never said "that it wouldn't happen again". So I felt lost, and he was ready to send our precious baby not even a month old to her home in another state .

As a mother, I knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Our child was a year old the first time she left to go to her grandmother's house. Just because he was ready to make it work didn't mean that I was. Now that things are getting better, there has been some changes. My husband has stepped up on his part and may I say doing a great job.

We make decisions together now. I've always been a "tell it like it is" type of person. So that's working for me. Now that my in-laws have another grandchild and daughter-inlaw to deal with, I feel it's my duty to help her. So she doesn't feel alone, I can tell her things that they will say and do so she's not suprised.

I use to get so tired of hearing things like, this baby sure does loves her daddy or son, your doing a great job. In-laws, can be cruel, jealous and unfair. I pray that I never act this way towards someone new in our future family. Families that treat people this way , usually have self esteem and insecurity issues.

I was taught to welcome all people, if they allow you to. To love people and accept them, to encourage each other. To be fair, and to never leave anyone out. A person who tries to control everything, truly isn't controlling anything. Look at your mother in-laws life, with her controlling ways she probably doesn't have a lot of friends or much of a life.

One day she'll see what she's missing out on. This is a opportunity for you both to enlarge your family! What a gift( : Our relationship has been getting better, but it wasn't easy. There is nothing that she's done that you haven't, so your both special. You may be half her age, but you could still teach her something new. Age has nothing to do with it, I promise.

For a while I spent time with the family that I knew for sure loved me my mom, brother,etc. I would send him to his family functions alone. So without me there, they could get on each others nerves. Believe it or not, he would come back home telling me they argued about this and about that. I would just smile. God defends us when, we are too tired to. God Bless You Always.

Hey Monique,

It is tough to get along with people whose way of doing things is so far removed from our own. I had a mother in law who didn't like me from the word go. For 32 years, she made sure that I knew I didn't measure up to her ideas of what a wife and mother should be. The good news is that I only lived within visiting distance for 5 years and then the military moved us FAR away. I am now divorced, but I remember the pain of not being accepted and always found lacking by someone I had hoped to have as at least a friend especially when I lost my mom at 24. My best advice to you would be to sit down with your hubby and decide what is acceptable behavior for your son. Then sit down with the two of you and your mother in law and explain YOUR decision to her and what the boundaries of behavior will need to be. She probably won't like it, but if you BOTH let her know that there are things that need to be JUST THE WAY YOU SAY..then maybe she will begin to respect your role as wife and mother. I didn't ever do that with my mother in law because I didn't want her to have more reason to treat me badly. The good thing is that yours seems to love your son..I was never sure about that with mine and didn't want to make her worse around them.

Hope this helps..I will be praying for your family.

B. B

Dear Monique
You have open my eyes to something I might be doing too.
I will watch out for it from now on.
When I go to visit I do something of the same thing to my daughters or my son in law. But there is some thing that do need attention. But ather than that. I will approach it differently.
I think what it is. Us Grandmothers still want to feel we still can teach, show what we know. Some of us go too far with it. ( Have not cut the apron string ) as the old sayings go. It is so hard for us to do it. We want our children to understand what we know.
I know one thing I can do... And that is just hold them close to me and give them the love true love I given my children. That I am always there in their mind and soul. And never let go even when time ends here on earth for me. The Grandma love. Rocking in a chair or just holding them in a time met for many years ahead.

God Bless You all.
Vicki

Ps and if you can...
Get a picture of that special time and put it in a frame for all to see. to remind that it will never die.

I have pretty much the same problem with my in laws as you. They do not listen no matter what i say and judge me on every little thing. They just think they know it all. I have asked them repeatedly to refer to themselves as "Grandma and Grandpa" because i do not like "Memaw or Mamaw" same with the male version "Papaw and pepaw" and I do not like "BUBBA" i gave my son a name and just because he is the second does not make him "Bubba" now i am not attacking anyone who likes these things. It is just I was not raised Southern so i do not get the whole "thing" My 2 year old has a bit of a speech probelm and i have always even with my seven year old stressed correct grammar. I call things by what they are so they can get the hang of it. THEY are fostering his speech problem by refusing to listen to me. All freaking cats are now "mimi" because they refused to call their neighbors cat a cat. I guess my advice to you is that they will do what they want because they feel they are older and the grandparents..my in laws always say it is their job. It is frustrating i know but you are only hurting your family. My MIL does the same thing on the cold issue. I just ignore her. I guess pick your battles and know when to fold. Your family is just that your family and they have no power unless you give them power. Good luck!

You don't say how old he is. Plan for the visit, and you leave her there with him, and have some time to yourself. Go out wih hubby or leave him there. She will LOVE having baby to herself. Take the cake out of the house before she comes.

There's a highly recommended book called "Boundaries" that would give you a whole lot of direction. I'm sorry for the pain you are all going through, and especially for your husband who has suffered a life time because of her.

You are being an adult and you have to realize that you are like two teenagers fighting over a guy. I personally have 3 sons, only one with a girlfriend and he's 15. I feel I have raised my sons to grow up and turn into a good husband that provides love and support, both emotional and financial to thier wife. My grandmother, Dad's mom sounds like your MIL. She still feels that she should be able to have Dad do whatever she wants. She is in her 80's, Dad in his 60's. My oldest son is living with my parents, They had BBQ, dad served my mother, brother and himself first then told my son that he and his friends that were visiting could come in and get some food. My Grandmother dropped by started yelling at one of my sons friends that he should be ashamed of himself for taking thier food. My father told her that he told them to come in and eat. She flat out would not listen and started telling my mother that it was her fault, my mom was so upset she ended up going into the bedroom and not coming out until after she left. When I talked to my grandmother and told her that the people she was griping to were my sons friends from church her opinion changed but she still has not apologized. She thinks that she always knows what is right and that everyone should do as she wishes. My Dad has always said that he married my mother and intends to stand by her side. He will tell his mother to stop but she is bull headed and usually won't. Mom has just accepted that her MIL is like this and she basically just puts up with it. Luckily they do not have to deal with her all together very often. Talk to your husband to see if he can give you more support when she is visiting. If that won't happen then try to just go along with her when she is there and do things the way you want to after she leaves. As far as the too much sugar issue, it is a control thing. If you just take the have however much and let it be attitude, act as if it does not bother you she will probably not push the sugar on him so much. My parents used to do that to my kids, when I finally gave in they quit pushing it on the kids as much. It was like a rebellion only reversed. Good Luck and remember that it is hard for mothers to let go of thier children when they are adults. Some mothers do this easier than others. No matter what age your child(ren)are you still want the best for them.

Hi Monique,

I was interested that you signed you want to live life with "the heart of a kitten"...does that mean no conflicts?? It sounds like you have a little tiger in you(which isn't a bad thing!!!) I also have an opinionated mother-in-law as well but we have learned to work with each other these past 19 years. I know this may not be what you want ot hear, but when she's at my house I try to let her call the shots(within reason, of course). I do this out of respect for her and also(more selfishly!!) so that my four boys will treat me the same way when I visit them and their wives!!
Remember, your sweet little guy will grow up and he will remember how you treat her! I would avoid having power struggles with her and just remember that she loves your son(and husband) and even though she drives you crazy she probably does mean well(and will also be leaving :)!!)

I have also found that most men are protective of their mothers so be careful when discussing this with your husband...does he think she is overbearing??
Another idea is that you let your Mother-in-law spend more time with your son and you go out and run errands(anything!!)Then she can be the boss with him and you are taken out of the equation. I think you are wise in trying to develop a better relationship with her but all relationships have their struggles-don't expect so much from yourself!! You sound like you've been kind to her by including her and you are right that your son will benefit greatly from having his Grandma in his life.
Good luck!!
N.

Mostly great advice given already! The first thing that popped into my head is (pardon the candor, but you asked) was that perhaps you might be the one who is a bit Obsessive Compulsive. lol! But really that's normal, you are a new mom and the good ones are all like that at first.

The second thing is: RELAX! Who cares that on Easter Sunday your son ate cake?! One day will not affect his health. And it will give your MIL and son a wondeful memory together! That's what Grandparents are for, to spoil and then to go back to their homes and you can then tighten the reins back to whatever is normal at your home.

I just don't get the whole concept of resenting a mother's or MIL's advise or comments. I look on those comments as a kind of gift! They have a lot of wise experience under their belts. If I don't agree with the advice I've always just listened, said something like, oh I'll have to think about that and just let it go.

I understand that some women have Monsters-In-Law to deal with, but that is not the norm. My MIL is a loud, opinionated Italian that speaks first and thinks later, lol. Even tho I started out scared to death of my MIL (and my friends all shook their heads and said, OMG how are you going to deal with her?) she and I have actually developed a real friendship now! 20 some years later! :)

Good luck! Try changing your mind-set...she's not your rival, she's actually on your side! (oh, yeah and have your dh step up if she gets totally out of line)