Seeking Wives Who Have Non Communicative/expressive/ Husbands......

A.,

Have you tried Al-Anon or family therapy? My son's dad is sober and in program, but sometimes we need to seek help outside our programs to work on the emotional part that those programs don't necessarily serve.

My son's father and I are not together, and yes it can be tough when the program seems to be the only place that they can find the ability to talk and show their true colors. If you truly want to work on the marriage, you need to get help outside and show him how much it means to your family to work it out.

Sometimes it's easier for them to walk away, and commit to the program than it is to stay and fight...show him you need him to fight with you and not against you.

Give it a shot and I wish you good luck!

Perhaps you should try getting into counseling together. It would give you the opportunity to each express your feelings and needs; and having a professional, unbiased third party may help you find some better solutions to accomplishing what you want. Good luck to you.

Men aren't wired like us girls and they are not ones to communicate at length and listen to our feelings for hours. That's what our girlfriends are for. Go to them when you need extra emotional support.
You said that he has always been that way and he is not going to change no. Accept him for who he is. The more you push for it, the more you will drive him away. Keep it simple with him at first. Be happy with a yes or no answer. To him, this is communicating. Men are simple creatures and don't "need" as much us as wifes.
Instead of looking at all the negative things he doesn't do, focus on what he does do. If he gives you a card, play it up how much it means to you. When he does what he feels is a romantic gesture and it is met with complaint about it not being enough, why would he want to do more for you? Be grateful what you do get and that he is there. Over time it will turn around. Men often show their love in actions, such as filling your car up with gas, stopping by the store on the way home, even mowing the grass. Men are providers and care-takers and they show love by doing those things. Yes, we wish all of our hubby's were like in the soap operas and romance novels, but that is not how real men are, why those things are fiction.
Husbands can become better at talking, lovey dovey stuff, etc., but they need to be appreciated, respected and not held to some unatainable ideal. It will take a while to turn your thinking around and shortly thereafter, his thinking will turn around. You DO have the power to change it if you do it positively and lovingly.
I'd recommend you read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and you both should read the Proper Care and Feeding of Marraige by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. They are real eye openers to how our honey's think.
Good luck.

Okay so we all know men are different... they communicate different too...but the bottom line is... you are hurting and you feel neglected....and these are VALID feelings you have.

AND the BIG difference here is: you are not dealing with a 'normal' man... you are dealing with an "ADDICT." Thus, it would probably be a great benefit to you (although not easy nor a 'cure') but it would possibly help you to understand what an addict is and how their whole mentality/emotionality is different and they are not capable of many things... for now, or until they are really rehabilitated. But, addiction is a LIFE-LONG journey...

But please, your Husband has a problem, an illness, an addiction... and so you cannot expect "normal" things out of this man... he is one of those "emotionally unavailable" individuals... and it does not come naturally to him. And some people just don't know 'how" to have feelings, much less how to express them in a "healthy" way. And it cannot be forced out of them... they simply 'cannot' do it. It is nothing personal.. .but they have an addiction/problem and they don't have the inner or mental resources to do so... right now, or ever.

It must be very difficult for him.
BUT, you must take care of yourself too... do not rely on him for "validation" or for warm & fuzzy demonstrative expressions. It will not be possible, maybe for awhile.

Back in college, I dated a guy that was going to AA. (I didn't find out until a few months after), but What a doozy. I thought I could "save" him. What a crock. I learned, that you cannot 'make' someone love you or express that to you or even to do it out of guilt or what have you. I also learned that you simply cannot "expect" something from someone who is incapable of loving/giving/being honest/being genuine... or being a "good" partner.
The person has a problem... it is hard for them. But they have to get their act together... and it is a LONG journey and LONG road to walk... and they will do it or not.
You need to try and be impartial... but how can a spouse do so? Well, that is the conundrum.
One thing is to try and not have "expectations" on him... because he will not or cannot fit into the mold that you HOPE he will. He is not capable of that.
But then that leaves the partner emotionally barren... and I sincerely understand how you feel.... it is very sad, profoundly sad.
All the "Hallmark" card sayings will not help. It has to come from you to feel better... within you to feel better IN SPITE of him... despite him... despite his illness/addiction.

Don't rely on him to make you feel better... or you will be disappointed as you currently are... and it will make you even more depressed.
I know, most humans cannot attain happiness without the love and kisses and hugs from their beloved one... it's only normal.

Perhaps, going to JOINT Therapy together... might be helpful... so that you both can get on the same page at some point? Or as Deanna Leigh said... YOU can go to Al-Anon support groups too... so you can understand the mental/emotional dynamics of people with addictions/illnesses. Its worth a shot...

All the best,
Susan

Hi A., the majority of men don't have good communication skills, especialy for the topics that us wives like to talk about. my advice to you is to get hobbies, things for you and your time, talk to your husband when he talks to you, not to be mean or play games, but this way you don't have to push for conversation, my husband is great at conversation, until it goes to an area that he dissagress in or my opinion or belieft in something is different than his, then he doesn't really want to talk anymore, he spends a lot of time on his lap top, so I just do my own thing, while he's doing his, we have our meals as a family 3 days a week, he works nights wed-sat, our kids are grown 2 still at home, I miss my husband too, I even wrot him a poem title so far away. J. l.

I have a husband who doesn't express his feelings toward me very easily at all. He even says "I don't have any feelings." Which is , of course, not true. Over the 17 years we've been married I just recently learned that it's best to not pressure him about expressing his feelings. I have worked harder at expressing my feelings of appreciation and love towards him, which, even though he's a little uncomfortable with it, he does like it. I've also focused on getting my emotional needs met with close friends that I've worked on cultivating relationships with as well. Plus, most importantly, my faith and relationship with Jesus Christ is more satisfying than anything or anyone ever could be. I've found that I'm much happier and my husband is slowly beginning to open up and be more communicative and appreciative of me. I'm amazed! God bless you, though. It's tough to walk that through relationally.Don't give up on him.