My Husband Keeps Getting Drunk and We Just Had a Newborn.

He needs AA and you need Al-anon!

It truely sounds like he needs to stop drinking. This means absolutely no alcohol in the house. If you go out to dinner together, you cannot order a drink. No going to bars. Try to avoid bars altogether. If he is willing to admit he has a problem, he is going to need you to be on board 100%. He's also going to need his family and friends on board, and that includes his parents.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. We will never have alcohol in the house. If I want a drink, I have to have it when I'm out without him. I do miss it sometimes, but this is something I have to do for him.

I would begin by going to an Al-anon meeting. It will help you feel less alone and help you learn how to help him.

Do you have family in town that is trustworthy? If he starts drinking go over to their house. someone that drunk can really do some damage, esp. to a baby. Stay safe.

You posted a question about breastfeeding & having a glass or 2 of wine. Your DH has a big problem with alcohol so your 1st step should be getting rid of all alcohol in your home and NOT worrying about pumping & dumping. If he is still getting blackout drunk he doesn't need to see you drinking while you are expecting him to change his addiction.

go to al-anon. do it today.
this is really untenable.
khairete
S.

You need to go to Al - anon. Just to get info to help you.

I am sending you strength.

Well, this is not an environment to have a baby in. He has no control and needs to be in a program asap if he wants to be in a marriage and have a family. Him doing this every weekend and you having to deal with the consequences is just not acceptable. Tell him last weekend was the LAST WEEKEND he is going to do that. He must get help. If his idea of a good time is having friends over and puking all night, then he needs to grow up too. Do not back down on this and do not leave him (or the inlaws) alone with the baby. I would not tolerate this another second. It is too far out of control and too damaging to you, your son,and your marriage.

I'm so sorry you are going through this!

I agree w/ Marda P. about going to AL-ANON. They know what you are going through, and will be a good support for you.
I also agree that he is not going to change if everything stays the same. She's right- give him an ultimatum to either get help or you will leave- and you have to mean it. Do it for your baby's sake- it's not healthy to grow up w/ an alcoholic father. Also do it for your husband's sake because he needs a reason to quit.
Very best wishes!

I would tell him to get treatment, in patient if necessary. If he was not willing or able to do so, I would separate until he was sober or until you decide you want to divorce. You can also go to Al-anon for yourself. You need to act to protect yourself and your child. Stop the cycle. And I would absolutely not leave him alone with the child. Not if his parents come over and they all start drinking while responsible for a newborn. Even just once a weekend is a problem. A binge drinker is still an alcoholic under a different name.

If your husband gets "blackout" drunk, he has an alcohol issue.

Take this quiz:
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/tests/l/blquiz_alcohol.htm

He needs help. Detox, recovery and a 12 step program. Anything less is like putting a bandaid on a hemorrhage. Good luck.

You can attend Alanon to learn how to stop enabling behavior.

If we just had a baby and he kept getting blackout drunk, I would be pissed. Extremely pissed. Here I am, trying to take care of this wonderful little baby with my husband, and I would expect him to be able to control himself enough to stop getting drunk every weekend. "Just once a weekend" is WAY too often for someone who is responsible for the life of a little child; he shouldn't be getting blackout drunk at all, or maybe once every few weeks or months. If he cannot drink without binge drinking and getting drunk, then he has a problem and he needs to either quit or get treatment if he can't quit. It's time to grow up. He's a father now.

Tell him he needs to quit getting drunk. He can drink, but he cannot get drunk anymore. If he cannot stop drinking until he is blackout drunk, then tell him he has to get treatment. You can start going to Al-Anon for some support from other family members who are going through your same situation. If he refuses treatment, and refuses to change, then it's time to separate for awhile. Do you have family you can spend time with for awhile? This might be the only way to open his eyes to the fact he needs to change. :-( Good luck; I really hope everything works out for the best and that he will stop drinking for the sake of your marriage and your new baby.

I suggest finding an Al-anon chapter and start attending meetings. The group if for the family and friends of alcoholics.

If it were me, I'd give him an ultimatum. Start the process of finding out how to stop the drinking or I leave. He can go to AA meetings for help. Perhaps he'd go if you went with him.

Find ways to make friends so that you don't feel quite so lonely. Most hospitals have support groups for new moms and their babies. I'd try that out.

If you have a friend with whom you could spend the evening, I'd take the baby and leave him to deal with his drinking on his own.

Somehow, it has to be more painful for him to give him reason to quit drinking. He can't quit on his own. He's addicted. Look up some resources in your area for both yourself and him.

Leave -- don't come back, until he has successfully completed a treatment program. You need the support of a sober family household, if you don't have a sober family to go to and can not afford to be on your own, check into a shelter and take care of your child.

Did you know he was a drunk and thought he might change when you became parents?

Please get some help for you and your baby.

Blessings....

When you say he has been supportive but has not changed anything in his life - that's the case with most men after their wives have a baby. Or at least that's how it feels to us. In fact, their lives HAVE changed - they've watched their wives change from being a fun partner to a pregnant partner - very different with our changes in sleeping habits, morning sickness, weird food issues, no drinking, possible moodiness, weight gain, etc. - into mothers. He might be a little overwhelmed by the newborn and could be just unsure about how to deal with it. I completely agree with you and everyone else that drinking himself sick is definitely NOT an appropriate outlet or coping mechanism. But I think that I would explore that cause as a possible root to the problem. Obviously he can control his drinking during the week - maybe with a little help he can explore other outlets for the stress he might be feeling and instead of getting schnockered you guys could have a date night out without the baby (don't leave him with your in-laws yet though!) and have some adult time - dinner, maybe a drink or two, then a movie or something. Maybe that's all it would take to get him through it.

I know moms do pretty much all of the work, but dads sometimes need attention too.

Alcoholism and other addictions are stubborn problems and get worse if left untreated. Would he be willing to quit drinking, get treatment and go to marriage counseling? If not you are unlikely to see a change. If the drinking is a deal breaker for you then figure out what you need to do to leave .Obviously this will be hard with a newborn so see what help you can find from family and friends. If you aren't sure about leaving then make sure he is not around baby if he is drinking. His parents don't sound that responsible about alcohol either. It makes it hard for you when you need a break and have fewer responsible relatives to watch the baby.

If you just are lonely for mom friends you could try a new moms group (most hospitals with a maternity unit have them). The public library may have a playgroup or story hour when the baby is a bit older.

Congratulations on the birth of your son. This should be a great time for you, and I'm sorry it is not. I understand everyone jumping on the AA bandwagon, but I also know it is not that easy. You need to put you and the baby first. Let him know how you feel and let others know how you feel. Do you have family and friends that can help and support you? In any way possible? This is a lot to handle on your own, especially with a new baby. A drunk person can be a dangerous person, and you need to be able to go somewhere safe if you feel like it has gotten that out of control. Maybe there is someone that could help you talk to him about the situation. I agree with others that you can't just send him to AA, because unless he acknowledges it himself it won't help.

If this is something you would truly leave him over, then definitely get some support for yourself! Family, friends, al-anon, a community center, a mom's group--anywhere you can!!

Also, I know it may be hard to do, but until he proves he is trust worthy, I don't think you should leave the baby alone with him--even if the in-laws are over! Think of the baby first. Wishing you the best of luck and a big hug:)

yes tell your husband he needs to get a handle on his drinking or he needs to find somewhere else to live. This is not acceptable with a baby in the house. A drink every now and then but not throw up blackout drunk. Give him these options stick by it he can fix it or move.

In the short bit of info you gave, it sounds like your husband is an alcoholic. Do not leave him to watch the child anymore by himself. You need to have this discussion with him calmly, when he is sober. You may want to call a local AA group to talk about how to talk to your husband and how to support him through this. I'm guessing when you discuss it with him he is going to take it well. He will tell you it's no big deal and, what, he's not allowed to have any fun anymore??? My dad took his last drink when I was 16 and stayed sober for the rest of his life, but, man, was it a fight for him. He stayed sober because he wanted to. I hope your husband chooses to stop drinking, because that is the only way he will. I wish you all the best.

I'm so sorry. I bet it's so hard to cope with all of your feelings about this, especially when you are unsure of how he might respond to your feelings. Have you sat down to talk with him about your thoughts and feelings? I think it's time to have communication about his behavior and his possible addiction. There is definitely something wrong if he is blacking out on a regular basis. And now that you have a child, he needs to stop this behavior. I'm sure many of these issues have been going on for years, but now that you have a child, it's time to grow and work through these issues so that you can parent your little one together.

Have you talked with him at all about how you feel? Does he have any idea that you are uncomfortable with this behavior? Have you seen a therapist before? You might want to check with your health insurance to see what your mental health coverage is, and then schedule an appt to see a therapist. I would invite him to come along to discuss some of the areas in your marriage that you would like to work on. He may be resistant to going, but ultimately, you need to go whether he attends or not. It will help you to learn how to best communicate with him and how to cope with the situation.

Alcoholics will not seek treatment or change unless THEY feel they have a problem. You can see your husband obviously does not feel he has a problem.

I would second your Mother's instinct to leave him... because things will only get worse.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. Your husband needs to know the seriousness of this situation. This is supposed to be a time for the two of you to get to know your baby and eachother better. He has to know that your home isn't a college frat house and partiing all night is unexceptable. If he wants to be treated like a man, he has to start acting like one. Suggest that he get help. Try and talk to him to find out what he's trying to forget about, or what's bothering him. I'm sure he doesn't want your baby to get used to the horrible scent known as daddy. If he loves you and his family, he will stop I'm sure.

I don't really have any advice except for the fact that he was like this when you married and had babies with him. I'm sorry, but it is unrealistic for you to expect him to change. As childish as he may be, it is also not fair to him for you to be threatening to leave him when you knew he was like this and still chose to have a baby with him. I'm not condemning you, I'm just saying, he is what he is and you knew that about him.

I would put my foot down and tell him no more drinking to the point of being so drunk. I wouldn't forbid him to drink unless he was of harm to you or the baby, because that will just make him resentful and want to do it more, remember men, don't always grow up. I also would tell his parents about your concerns and ask them politely to not contribute to the problem. So what if they are offended, take care of your baby and you 1st!