How Do I Know What to Tell My In-laws?

I think it is great that you can confide in and trust your in-laws. That is such a blessing to have, especially since you need some support.

Without knowing what specific types of things you are talking about, it is hard to know if it is crossing the line at all. You certainly don't want to betray your husband's trust or comfort. I would not like it if my husband shared every little detail about our marriage with my parents. But I think it is safe to tell them facts about what is going on, as well as anything that is YOURS. Your feelings, your worries, your happinesses. Those belong to you. And little details about life in general are fine.

It might be hard to explain to them why you are "sad because-" without telling them details you maybe shouldn't. But as far as "what good it did"- it did a lot of good for you. It is good to have support. And good for them to know that you trust them. I wouldn't suggest worrying them unnecessarily but if you need to vent and they are your support, there is nothing wrong with that.

I would definitely stop and ask myself "would he want me divulging this information or is it private?" Then if you think it is private, you can still ask yourself if they need to know this just for their own peace of mind, or to help in some way. What DOES he think about you turning to them for support? Does he not want you talking to them about anything? Definitely keep in mind his pride and his recovery as well.

If you need more support than you feel you can get from them without betraying his trust, you should consider an Al-Anon program. You would be able to talk about all your feelings without judgement or worrying how he feels about it. But definitely keep the lines of communication open with them, it is great that you have them in your life in such a positive way.

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I agree that alanon is an incredible support system for loved ones of addicts - the biggest thing I got out of it is that your loved one's addiction and, consequently, behavior toward you has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. For years I beat myself up with feelings of "am I not adequate", "if he truly loved me why is he doing this to me", etc. but an addict's world is completely centered on them. Alanon teaches you how to care for and protect yourself, not how to change them (that's why he's in AA) - but that's YOUR first step to recovery/healing. It's good to have friends and family to surround yourself with, however you need an individual therapist to deal with the "dirty" details of your feelings. AA and alanon is about anonymity so divulging the most painful parts of what's going on in your life to your friends and family is a kind of betrayal to his efforts. Besides, your friends and family can do nothing to change him or help you heal the way you need it.

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I have not been in that situation (not so far, at least) but from what you write I'm thinking you've needed someone to talk with for a long time - and now that you have two of them, you want to be sure you don't dump your whole life into their heads. I think that's very good thinking on your part!

I wonder if Al-Anon would be helpful for you. Even though your husband has begun rehab - and I hope he will be successful - the baggage that comes with alcoholism is pretty heavy. Undoubtedly you would meet many other women who are or have been in the same situation, and you could get a handle on what to share and how.

But at the same time, cultivate your new relationship with your in-laws. Isn't it great to have people who care about you so much they listen to you? Hang on to these folks and love them! Listen to them, too! :^)

I see you've gone to Al-Anon. That's awesome, it works. There are online meetings, and phone conference meetings also. Making it much easier for people who can't always attend in person.

I've learned though experience to simply shut up and smile when an unwarranted opinion is offered. Having said that, I also learned that when I "pour my heart out" I'm setting myself up for judgement if I confide in the wrong person---and I had a terrible habit of picking the wrong people.

http://www.al-anon.org/
http://www.al-anon-co.org/index.php

Maybe your in-laws could watch your son for while you go? You do need support, so if you feel you are telling them too much, you need an outlet. It's very difficult being married to an alcoholic, and you should be applauded for trying to work it out for everyone involved. It's not an easy task. This disease affects you too, maybe even more so then him because you have had the sober mind.

Keep in mind that it is their son, so they are probably having a really hard time as well. try not to take things they might say too personal. Unfortunately you have alot to bare from all sides here. But remember to take care of yourself, and not to feel guilty about needing a break sometimes. Try looking for other support systems as well. You need it!

ok, first, props for encouraging your hubby to "clean himself up", that take s courage, strength, and amazing patience and faith. letting his parents know about the situations was also a good move and alcoholic, addicts need as much support from as many people as possible. have you looked into attending some al-anon meetings, they can be quite helpful and may give you insight to what you should or shouldn't say to your in-laws. that being said, you should feel no need to feel embarrassed, ashamed, insecure or whatever else about what you do and do not tell them. your hubby's actions when he wsa drinking affected you more than you know, maybe even hurt you, you need to be able to get that out, if not to your in-laws then to someone, regardless, you shouldn't feel badly or be made to feel badly about any of it. really look into some al-anon meetings in your area, i think it will really help, good luck

I have been married to an alcoholic for over 40 years now and I so I understand how it colors every aspect of your relationship and your family dynamics. First of all, congratulations to your husband for going into rehab and I truly pray that this has a fantastic, positive outcome for both him and for your family as a whole!!!
I think I would be tempted to go to my husband and talk with him ( possibly with his counselor in on the initial conversation) about how HE would like to handle this!!! This is after all, HIS family that you are talking about. Ask him what HE is comfortable with you sharing, and what it is important to him to keep between the two of you.
Ulitmately what is the most important to you and your husband is your marriage, and to have a good marriage you need to have trust and confidence that each of you has the other ones' back. This means that you need to be very VERY careful about what you share with anyone else...whether it be your inlaws, friends, coworkers...anyone!!! Find a counselor that you can talk to yourself...or go to Al Anon meetings ( but be careful there too...it it only as secure as the ability of the others in the room to keep the confidentiality agreement!!) Hopefully the rehab center that he is at will have counselors for you that are experienced in dealing with this type of question.
Good luck to both of you and God Bless

In addition to Al-Anon, you should find a family therapist. While it is important to keep his parents abreast of the situation, I think you're playing with fire. Often, alcoholism finds its roots in problems from the past, and often involves dysfunctional relationships such as with family members, spouses, and friends.

Short of you being a qualified therapist, you may be doing more harm to your marriage, your husband's progress and the situation as a whole by involving your in-laws in such personal details of your lives and husband's recovery.

You don't want to confuse their input (good or bad) or apparent invovlement as support or even playing a role in his recovery. I think it wise to set clear boundaries. That means short of saying something simple like he's getting better in therapy, or he will be now attending x-program...I'd avoid volunteering anymore information, and more importantly using them as a sounding board for your own personal feelings on the matter.

One problem is the situation could be ripe for manipulation and possibly co-dependancy. Boundaries need to be established. This is such a highly charged situation...I can't help but feel one day this will come back to bite you. Especially if after your husband goes through therapy he concludes that his parents have contributed some way to his drinking problem or other issues. You can bet, they WILL lash out at YOU. If you value your marriage, safe guard it. Save the venting for a neutural, qualified therapist and give both you and your husband a fighting chance at REAL recovery.

I'm not saying cut ties, I'm just recommending that you guard those intimate details they really don't need to know, that can be used as fuel and ammunition in ways to control you, control your marriage, and possibly detour your husband's recovery. Especially if they are alcoholics, or somehow directly contributed to his drinking.

If you think about it, do they really need to know this sort of information, and why? There really is nothing *they* can do to help him. They however, may be contributing to the problem. Just think about it, and find a qualified therapist you can trust to seek objective and sound guidance from.

I think keeping his parents in the loop on his condition is normal and expected. In fact they rely on you to keep them informed about their son. As far as getting in deep with emotions and feelings and such, I think you are right in trying to keep that in a different arena. Although they need you to let them know how bad it can be sometimes so they can help get your husband get better (you don't want everyone to get lax about it) you also need to keep in mind that you could easily become the enemy since their first loyalty will always be their son.

If I were you, I would get into a support group of other wives suffering through this so you have a very open forum to talk about it and see how other women deal with it. I would also see if you can ally with some girlfriends you can lean on.

I don't want you to get me wrong, I don't want you to cut your in-laws out, just be mindful that you are dealing with their baby boy (I know he is an adult, but always their child) and you want to be on the same team. Which means, you can tell them it is difficult on you, but you do not need to go into serious detail. Make sense?

Good luck to you, you have a long road ahead of you.

I have a friend whose husband is a recovering alcoholic and they both believe that the family needs to find a support group too. They find Alanon to be the best because it is for families of addicts. You talk about you and how you are feeling. I think you might benefit from something like that...
YMMV
LBC

I can't urge you enough to go to alanon (AA's other half). It will do you a world of good and make all of this and infinite other questions down the road) fall into place. Call alcoholics anonymous central office in your area on where to find alanon meetings and go to 3 different ones to find the one that feels most comfortable to you. Make sure one is a women's meeting. Get the literature and list of phone numbers. It's saved so many relationships I know! The best solution for alcoholism is AA and alanon for the supportive family and friends. Good luck!

I can relate! My x husband had a lot of mental health issues (A lot stemming from his childhood) and I felt really alone because I was dealing with enough for several people. My children were suffering and I was devastated. I could not talk to ANY family members because they did not want to hear anything I had to say. I tried confiding in my mother-in-law and this was a really bad thing. First you need to realize that their son will always be their son. You WILL catch a whole lot of judgmental answers because you are telling them things about their son that they don't want to hear (they say they do.) My best advice would be to find a different support group and tell them as little as possible.

YOU ARE AN EXCEPTIONAL WOMAN FOR PUTTING UP WITH THIS BEHAVIOR... THERE ARE GROUPS THAT ARE RELATED TO HIS REHAB THAT YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK TO. LETTING HIS PARENTS KNOW HOW HE IS DOING IS ESSENTIAL. IT SHOULD BE COMING FROM HIS MOUTH ND NOT YOURS. IT IS HOWEVER, THAT YOU ARE ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM. SO NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO SPILL IT.. ASK YOURSELF, HOW WILL THIS HELP MY HUSBAND?
you are truly a strong woman... but look to others who have already gone through this same situation.. truthfully you need just as much emotional support as he does.