Seeking Advice on In-laws

It is time to set boundaries and have an adult and serious converstaion. Be honest but set boundaries!!

K., I understand completely...my husband ALWAYS hesitated to say anything to his mother about anything that might upset HER(never mind ME). Now that there are some issues from a while back...well its a little TOO LATE!!!
I say just say what is on your mind...it's not about them...its about YOUR CHILD. You don't want to resent them, or limit their time with your little one, so you need to work it out NOW!!!!!
Be gentle, respectful, but firm! DO NOT.....I REPEAT DO NOT leave this up to your husband to take care of. He seems to gentle to even open that conversation. TAKE CARE & GOOD LUCK!!
W.

How about you resonding You7r self to what you want. By the way MY gess you will look back at this and life at how worried you were and laff.I can under stand tour consern
BUT he will grow up finhe and what nice memories he will have. A. Grandmother of 7 one 18 months the other adults.

I also live across the country from my 2 grandchildren and I only see them twice per year. I always try hard not to stick my nose in where it doesn't belong. I do spoil them alot but never against my daughter or son in laws wishes. In the long run I believe your MIL/FIL are making it harder for your son so I do believe you need to speak up.
Good luck to you.
B.

SPEAK UP IN A WAY THAT'S GENTLE AND GET YOUR POINT ACROSS. There tends to be a happier time had by all if you do speak up. It can make you a closer family regardless of the miles separating you, and definitely make nicer relationship. Don't let it get ruined because you're not able to talk to them. Put yourself in your children's place. What advice would you give your daughter if she encountered this situation? Take your own advice.

K.,
Wow, you're in a tough position. If you say something, or the wrong thing, it could blow up in your face! So pick you battles, stand up for the thing or things that are unacceptable. And try to put up with the rest if you can, they are your husbands parents, and your son's grandparents. Keep in mind, they mean the best and they love you guys.

I deal with the same thing with my own mother. In the end, it's not worth fighting over any of the little things. But sometimes you have to put your foot down.
Good luck!

Dear K.,

How frustrating for you! It sounds like you, your husband, and each of your in-laws have different needs and values. But I bet you all love your 4 yr old....

I know that I am responsible for making sure someone "gets" my communication and understands how important something is to me. It doesn't mean I get my way; but I'm wondering if you're letting your husband know how much of a problem this is for you and if you've made any clear requests of him. I'm making up the story, based on what you write, that he wants to avoid any kind of conflict. Well, there IS a conflict; and you can give him a gift of allowing him to fully express his fears and concerns to you about setting a boundary with his parents. The opportunity is for you and he to discuss this issue and become closer, and grow.....and be the leaders of your family--which you are, not your in-laws.

The other opportunity I see is for you to flex your assertiveness/communication/leadership abilities with your in-laws. Your MIL hasn't gotten it when you've asked/told her not to do something. What are you avoiding doing or saying or being such, if you didn't avoid these feelings/actions, your MIL would "get it." You AND your husband may just be being "too nice and polite." And it isn't working for you.

You can then both talk to your in-laws about their needs and pictures of what it means to them to be grandparents. communicate AS A TEAM what you and your hustand's needs and pictures are of being parents and having them visit as guests--be and act as the leaders of your family, and welcome them as family and give them the wonderful opportunity to be grandparents (and for your son to experience the love and special relationship from grandparents. Bounce around some ideas so that make it a win/win....no one is wrong here; just different.

I see this as a dynamite opportunity also to model for your son your and his father's leadership....firm, loving, knowing your unique family's values, and clear communication. There may very well be resistance--both from your husband and from your in-laws--so what can you do to ground yourself, know what your intention is before opening your mouth, and express the love you have for your entire family without sacrificing yourself?

Warmly,
R......www.FamilyLifeMakeover.com

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with us. What a pain.

It sounds like your husband needs to have a talk with his parents. It doesn't matter how far away they live, they don't have the right to take over your life when they're visiting. Do you take over their lives when you visit them? I doubt it. They need to show you the same courtesy.

As for your MIL blatantly disregarding your instructions, that is completely unacceptable. Your hubby needs to stand up for the rights of his family. You can be present when he has the talk with his parents, but he needs to be the one leading the conversation.

FYI, this is not "just how grandparents are" so don't let anyone tell you that again. Grandparents are an extension of YOUR FAMILY. You are not an extension of theirs. You and your husband get to make the rules and decisions for your family, no one else.

It probably won't be easy, but if you and your husband gently and lovingly lay the ground rules now, you are setting the stage for enjoyable visits from now on.

Good luck!!

Hi K.,
It's nice that your inlaws want to spend so much time with your son. I can't get my dad and step mom to visit more than every 3 years....

My inlaws stay with me several times a year. They are pretty good about following our rules but they like to take over the kitchen so I let them be in charge of meals. However, whenever there has been anything that really bothered me, I would first discuss it with my husband and then let him talk to his parents. I know you said your husband doesn't want to do this but he does have to consider your feels too. Maybe come up with a list of rules that have to be followed and rules that can be broken when grandma and grandpa are around. If you all compromise, you'll have calmer visits.

I hope this helps.