Grandparents and Mothers in Law

Updated on November 09, 2013
D.S. asks from Akron, OH
70 answers

I have a mother in law that i dont like too much. I have chosen to keep my boys away from her and her husband because i just dont like their ways of doing things.
i would like some feedback on this subject and if other moms go through this.
Is it right to keep the children away because of my needs? My choice? My rights.
They have no rights. Thanks Rose

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S.B.

answers from Cleveland on

It would be nice to know who people are actually responding to. Is it the grandma or Rose. For two people who never speak to use the same user name...raises a lot of questions. This is suppose to be a site for real people with real questions...not to be a person who cant stand the in-laws and then on their next post be the grandmother (in-law) who wants to see her grandkids and be from the same username!

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P.F.

answers from Columbus on

Have an honest talk with them and don't forget to LISTEN to their viewpoints. Unless their actions are harming the children it is not fair to the children to deny a relationship with their grandparents.

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B.N.

answers from Columbus on

I don't get along with my MIL either - she gets on my ever-loving nerves :-)) BUT, as others have said, you really can't keep the grandparent/grandchild bond from either the child or the grandparent unless there is illegal or harmful things going on. My MIL likes to see the kids once about once a week, so I make a list of things that I need to do and save them all for the one day that she comes over (usually on Fridays). While she's visiting with the kids, I get out of the house and get all my running done. Win win on both sides because she can still spend time with the kids and I don't have to sit there and try to "visit" with someone I just don't get along with. Good Luck!

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S.S.

answers from South Bend on

You never stated why you don't care for your mother-in-law. Unless your mother-in-law would harm your boys, you are hurting your boys as well as the grandparents from not having any contact with them. Your boys have a right to get to know their grandparents. You can be present with the visits. Technically, the grandparents do have rights! It is not right to keep your kids away because of your needs. You have to put your needs aside and think of your boys, eventually they are going to ask why they didn't get to see their grandparents and you are taking away memories from your children as well as their grandparents. How would you feel if you didn't get to know your grandparents and it wasn't your choosing?

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H.M.

answers from Indianapolis on

Taking a slightly different twist on things . . .

Regardless of what you decide about if/how to let your in-laws see the children, it is SO important that you and your husband are on the same page. This means a lot of frank, open communication between the two of you. It may even require some compromise on both sides. But your husband needs to understand your hows and whys, as you need to understand his. Chances are, he thinks nothing of your MIL's ways, since he grew up with them. But calmly discussing your concerns often sheds new light - - I have been there!

After you are on the same page with your husband, you can present a unified front to face opposition from the in-laws. Just the way it tends to go - the in-laws will usually listen to their own child before they will listen to you. Then TOGETHER, you and your husband can choose what battles to fight, and what to let go.

Just one more thought - I have heard it said that the "greatest way you can show your husband you love him is to love his family." I think this holds true when he has a good relationship with his family. I'm still working on this concept, but it's something to think on! :)

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A.K.

answers from Cincinnati on

I too have a MIL that has become toxic to the relationship between my husband and myself. Encouraging divorce, I suspect because she is in an unhappy second marriage, herself. Even before this she was and is hot tempered and tends to show her frustrations through negative body language (stomping around and slamming doors), yelling, mean faces and cursing. You can generally feel the tension in her presence and we are not close.

She also has twin 10-year-olds that I adore and even babysat over the past two summers. However, for whatever reason, she threatened that I should not come to Christmas at her house or grandma's or she wouldn't come (my husband and I have been talking about divorce and even filed, though I would still like to work it out.) I (though it made me very sad and lonely!), let my husband and the kids go alone to one of the Christmas celebrations. This is because I feel the kids need to know their grandparents and extended family, and that my good influence should outweigh the bad. However, I'm seeing the angry outbursts from my almost 5-year-old now, impressed upon him by her, her husband and her sons. (Her sons were not allowed bad language at my house, and were very good boys for me.) So, I prefer that they don't spend a lot of time there, but my family doesn't live here, so there is much less opportunity for my kids to develop other familial relationships.

What message am I sending to my kids? Am I showing them that it's OK to let people treat me this way and act that way or am I showing them to rise above and be a more Christian person? I really wish my husband would stand up for me and tell his mother to accept me and stop being a negative influence, but he has the same personality tendencies. I just didn't think about these things before I had children!

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H.J.

answers from Mansfield on

Hi! Well, I'm not really sure of the reason for why the two of you don't speak. . .from her letter it sounds like she ie trying. .. I guess if the reason is something between you and your mother-in-law, then you should try to put it aside for your children's benefits. I cannot imagine what it would have been like if I never had that relationship growing up. However, if you feel that your kids being with your mother-in-law could be emotionally or physically harming then you have every right to protect your chldren.

And just as a side note, "legally", your husband's parents have every right to see their grandchilren. . .so to prevent things from getting ugly, you might want to consider a way that it could work out for everyone! Good luck!

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V.O.

answers from Kokomo on

Me thinks that is not the best idea. The children need to have grandparents, and to me that is using your children like pawns, to get your own way. I also think as your boys get older they will resent you for keeping them away from their grand-parents. Your children need all the love they can get.
I also think you might need to work on your relationship skills and try to get along with the Mother-in-law.

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O.B.

answers from Cleveland on

How sad. There is nothing more special in life than the joy of grandchildren. Aside from your self and your husband there is probably no one who loves your boys as much as their grandparents.

You state that you don't like your MIL too much. Would the children be safe with her? Maybe you could arrange for them to spend time with her and your husband without you.

What goes around comes around. How will you feel in 25 years when your son's wife doesn't like you and doesn't want you around their children?

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C.V.

answers from Cleveland on

I skimmed through some of these responses and Holly M had some very good points....almost therapist like but so true! I have the same situation that you do. I was given similar advice and boy it it DIFFICULT!! I think each individual case is different. It depends on what it is, that makes the environment "static" like when you are together. I know that while my MIL and FIL will never babysit our children, they can visit and I have no problem with that. As long as myself or my husband are around that's ok. That way they get their time with their grandparents and if they choose to have a relationship -it's "their" choice not mine. It is easy to say that you cannot deny the kids to have a relationship with their grandparents however, if you have inlaws that make comments and don't have respect for you...it it TRULY DIFFICULT. Not only that, I don't agree with many of her ways of doing things and it doesn't matter what our parenting style is....she will use her own. I wish you luck and hope for both of us, the situation will improve!!

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N.G.

answers from Cleveland on

I wish I could give you some kind of miracle advice to make things better, or take away your pain. I was once a mother that resented her mother-in-law.... I did not agree with the way she did things or how she treated me and my marriage, children, life. Common sense (thank goodness) prevailed. I grew up not knowing my dad's family, and my mother's father passed away when I was young, as far as her mother, I only got the opportunity to know her as an adult a few years before she passed away. Because of this I realized how much I missed out on. Despite how I feel/felt about my (now ex) mother-in-law, she is not a harmful person. And even though her ways are different than mine she loves her grandchildren (my three boys) with all her heart. So I sucked up my pride, and now let her make her choices with her grandchildren as she chooses. I do not want my children to grow up without the love of their extended family. As my children know the rules at grandmas house are most definately different than mine, but what's being a grandchild if you cannot get spoiled occasionally. Instead of fighting with her about how she undermined my decisions, I let her deal with the consequences of their behaviors when they are over her house if she undermines my ideals.... ultimately, our ideals have come closer together (although not entirely) because of bad behaviors in the past from her letting them do as they please. I believe my children now have a very well rounded life due to all those that surround them, and love them despite our differences. If anything it teaches them just how diverse life is and that "one" way is not always "absolute" that their are many ways of handling situations, and they have to learn what works best for them. And I also have to admit that although, my ex-mother-in-law has learned some things from me, I have also learned some things from her as well and am a better person for it. My children are loved and THAT is what really matters. Good Luck....

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D.W.

answers from Jacksonville on

Actually if worse came to worse and the grandmother took you to court she would have rights. She is a part of the family and your kids deserve to know their grandmother. You don't have to visit ALL THE TIME but you can't keep them away from her because our boys will question you later on in life. Talk to you MIL about the issues and try to come to a compromise.

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C.H.

answers from Cleveland on

you've had a lot of responses to this. i haven't read them all, so i'm not sure if i'm repeating someone else.

perhaps it might help you to talk to them about the things that they do that bother you. even if it resolves nothing, you could at least get it off of your chest.

i went though a situation where my son's paternal grandmother was getting pretty high and mighty, saying that she'd take me to court to pursue her (non-existent) visitation rights. she was mighty angry because i didn't let her see my son EVERY day that she was in from out of town to visit (which she does about every other month or so. my son's father and i come to a peaceful agreement beforehand about who's going to have our son and when.) she felt that i should give her exactly what she asked for and didn't understand that, though she IS my son's grandmother, her place does not supercede mine or her son's.

(i might add she'd made the freudian slip, during our final argument, of calling my son HER son. that was IT for me!)

anyway, my point is that i had expressed everything that i had been thinking and feeling and, aside from feeling SO much better afterwards, the paternal grandmother cooled her heels and has made a remarkable turn-around, showing much more respect and grace regarding how we handle visitation.

we haven't had any issues since.

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M.K.

answers from Cleveland on

Probably there is a reason for the distance. I'm doing the same for the safety of my kids. your kids your choice.

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J.F.

answers from Cleveland on

I also have a mother in law that I don't like very much, however, i know how important my grandparents were in my life so I make it a point for all of my children to see all grandparents. Unless they do something harmful to my children, really what could be so bad. I just reinterate that whatever rules (or no rules) at gramma's house stay at gramma's and we have our own rules at home. We are a very close family and I would have been crushed to not know my grandparents as well as I did. unfortunately, you can't pick your family. Believe me, I have a lot of REASON to not like my mother in law, however she is still my family, my husbands mother and my childrens gramma. Life is too short to play petty games.
Jenn.....

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S.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

Unless your in-laws are doing something illegal or abusive to your boys I do not think you should keep them away from their grandparents.
For example, if they drink or do drugs you should keep the visits to a minimum at best.
And you should never leave your children alone with them if they are like that.
If it is just you disliking them for whatever reason, you should still let the children have a relationship with them.

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M.P.

answers from Columbus on

I guess it depends on what specifically you don't like about them. Do they do or say things that are harmful or dangerous to your boys? If its just their ideas or opinions you don't like, tell them to keep their ideas to themselves, and just spend time with the boys reading books or playing with them. If they won't comply with your wishes then you may have a case to keep them away. What does your husband say? I do think Grandparents are very important in your childrens lives, but ultimetaly you have the last say. Good luck!

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D.M.

answers from Kokomo on

A Grnadmother's point of view. Being the mother-in-law, mom of the husband here, I find that my son has been very consilitory to my daughter-in-law's point of view. My husbanad and I (36 plus years) have been told recently unless we are willing to comply with their parental decisions on how to potty train, we would not be allowed to see our granddaughter until they (parents) had accomplished "potty training." Great, we said perhaps you will let us know, since we find this to be no problem when she visits us the once of twice a year for an etended time (5-7 days). You see, our granddaughter is almost five and for some reason has regressed since she was tained at three (both nite and day). Now, she wears plastic pants over her daytime panties and pull-ups every nite. It is our belief this is because her mother, who is an somewhat a stay at home person and college educated is not that domestic engineer she should be. So, because she believes our granddaughter should be the "sole" responsible party to "potty" break herself our DIL has regressed too. We believe that she does not own any of the reason why our GD has slipped, just that we cannot possibly be of any help unless we AGREE with her and her methods. Supposedly, they have been told by their pediatrician there is nothing physically wrong and that this tatic will "work." Meanwhile, we the GP have been told no visits until all is peachy on the home front. How this hurts, and also because she insisted that our son convey this message to us when asking to she our GD over her Spring break, we were devastated. But, we hope that he is not totally "sold" by this attitude only that he must "live" with it and our DIL. But, what one of your other responders said, "This action might come back to haunt you later." Let me tell you GP so have rights and views, even if they aren't the same as yours. And, to deprive them this greatest joy of seeing their Grandchildren is a "Major, Major" mistake on YOUR part and I can guarantee that it will NOT help your future relationship. You cannot change the past, but you can go a long way to ensure you have a future with these people, by not being so rigid and narrowminded. After all, apparently they did NO harm by their Son your husband, you married him and they "rasied" him I am sure using the same guidelines they follow with their Grandchildren. You may or may not have your Husband's attention on this matter as a peace maker in your home. But, these are HIS parents and you probably have hurt him deeply by forcing him to CHOOSE (PEACE vs. Family (Mom & Dad).

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D.W.

answers from Cleveland on

I'm in this situation as well. My MIL has some very bad history, comments, etc. towards me and my husband. She even pretty much ignored us for several years -- only seeing us at holidays. When our daughter was born, she showed up and expected full admittance to her and our lives as if nothing had happened. Because we don't agree with her actions at some times and because we're not sure what she'd say to our daughter if we weren't around -- we've heard comments she makes to other grandkids about their parents -- we limit contact to whole family functions or public settings for getting together when it's just us. She is never alone with our child unsupervised. It's definitely your right and responsibility to protect your kids! Do what you think is best. Good Luck!

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C.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

Since you did not say exactly what you don't like about them, it's hard to say. Would it be dangerous for them to visit your boys? Seriously ask yourself if you are doing this to protect the boys or to "stick it" to your inlaws. Just not liking the way they do things is not reason enough to deny a relationship. If they dangerous to the well being of your children, that is another story.

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J.M.

answers from Indianapolis on

Hi, your post does not indicate specifically what it is about your in-law's manner of doing things that you do not like. For me, I would need to know specifics before advising. You also do not mention your husband's point of view on this matter. And that does matter a great deal. My husband travelled too and did leave more than my share of child rearing up to me, but when it came to his family, that was another matter altogether. We are all family, good, bad and the ugly.

Now, if they drink and swear or have some other unwise behavior, that is one thing. If it is not adhering to your schedule such as naps, what constitutes a balanced meal, etc, then I think you need to reassess your standing on this. When your boys grow up, neither will remember not taking a nap on schedule or having Fritos for lunch, but they will remember having no contact with their grandparents. They will question why and unless you have a very good reason to be concerned about the safety and well-being in keeping them from this relationship, well, it will fall on you as being the "bad guy". And you have boys, so what if their chosen spouse have the same issues with you? And since they had no contact with their paternal grandparents, what is their basis of reference?

I have had major issues with my in-laws over the years as well. My in laws are ethnic, I am not of the same ethnicity so that has caused problems, and my sister in law NEVER put her kids to bed. They literally passed out whenever and then were carried to bed. I used to hate when my kids stayed with her (she lived in another city). But, I did it anyway and kept my mouth shut, their safety and well-being was never in questions, just a different routine. There was never a loss for love and the kids survived and had the opportunity to get away from my stricter routine and to develop good relationships with all of them. And my sister in law's two boys turned out wonderfully.

I hope you look at this situation objectively as you do not get a chance to "do over" and you sound a bit over-protective and subjective to me.

Finally, your kids do have rights. They have the right to be protected, that is granted, but they have a right to know and value their grandparents too whether they do things your way or not.

I hope you work through this issue and seek some objective guidance as to some rule setting with in-laws as well as some giving on your part. Picking your battles should start now, you will have this challenged many times in the raising of your boys, gotta know when it is important or not and when to give in and when to stand firm.

Good luck to you and your family on this very important matter.

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B.L.

answers from Youngstown on

I also go through this...my MIL is very hateful towards my family, so she does not see the kids. She hasn't necessarily harmed them directly, but she has a very bad attitude towards all of us (once even calling the kids "skanky" to my husband). She also does not respect our choices or decisions as parents AT ALL. We put our foot down, and she hasn't seen the kids in a couple of years.
You are correct that you are the mom, so such a decision is your right to make. The important question is whether your MIL contributes to the kids' lives or contaminates them. If it's contamination, then you're probably making the right decision. Either way, it's a tough situation and my heart goes out to you.
And BTW, you can check on Grandparent rights...in Ohio, a GP can only sue for visitation rights if their child is not living with the grandkids, such as in cases of divorce.

N.G.

answers from Boston on

What goes around comes around. Do you gave a son?

Where is your husband's love for his mother?

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K.B.

answers from Indianapolis on

My mother did the same thing to me. I am now 28. I just rekindled my relationship with my grandparents last year. Now they are dying. I have a deep seeded grudge against my mother for putting herself first and not my feelings. Although I was a child it is not right to deny your children their own family. They will soon grow into opinionatd adults and if they don't like how their grandparents do things they then can choose to speak with them or not. Grandparents act totally diffeerent to their grankids then their daughter-in-law.

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C.S.

answers from South Bend on

Hi Rose, when my parents-in-law are with my son I make sure that we create "good memories". You didn't tell us what your MIL does that you don't care for and you may have left that out for a reason. But when we create "memories" I mean that we have structured time: we go bowling, go to the park, go to McDonalds, I don't know if you have a small GPS, but we like to go geo-caching (hunting for hidden things and you only have the gps to guide you), we play games, you name it. I try to do things that are out of the house, for a set time frame and things that will be fun for all. My MIL is not my favorite and I remember my mom going through the same thing with her MIL, but please, if you can, don't rob your boys of some quality time with her, let their memories be good memories. Just a suggestion. Good Luck. C.

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M.B.

answers from Cincinnati on

You don't say why you dislike your husband's parents. They have a right to be in your children's lives unless they are abusive. You can limit their visits with them or let them have them for a few hours to take them for an ice cream or whatever and you don't have to go. I am a grandmother and my grandchildren are the light of my life. I can't imagine not being able to share in their lives.

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D.C.

answers from Cleveland on

Rose,
Not knowing more facts about "their ways of doing things" it is very difficult to offer advice. All I can tell you is my opinion on grandparents. My children grew up living next door to my parents and they enjoyed a very close relationship with them. We were always careful not to take advantage of their help, and they appreciated that, usually offering more help than we planned to ask for in the end. My husbands parents lived a short distance away, and they were also close to them. If there is something dangerous about their life, then I would say you have a valid excuse. If not, then I would suggest you at least try very short supervised visits with them. You may even see a different side of this woman, once she has a chance to get to know your children. Speaking as a grandmother of two who have recently moved out of state, it is difficult not to be a part of their lives as I once was. Someday you may be in the same situation. Life is too short - let your boys decide if they do not want to visit again after you have tried a few times. Thanks for listening - D.

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J.C.

answers from Fort Wayne on

It all depends. If it's because of personal issues that are are strictly personal, like personality conflicts, then I don't think it's right. The children should write their own stories and feelings about their grandparents, not their parents. BUT if the reason you don't care for your in laws is because of things that you feel would be detrimental to your children, then it's your perogative and also duty as their mother to protect them.

I'll tell you a good example. I don't really speak to my dad much besides Christmas. He just chooses to not be in contact with us, I believe because he's gotten too wrapped up in his life with his wife and job. So, I make it a point to never ever talk bad about him in front of my kids, even though his wife is a liar, and lives a life of lies mostly at the cost of other people's reputations. But, just because she's hurt me over and over, and my dad has chosen her side over mine, it doesn't make them any less of my children's grandparents. They've never done anything bad to my kids, and they love them dearly. I do not understand why they choose to not see their grandkids, but that's not really my place to figure out. Having said that, I still would allow my kids to see them whenever they call (not that they ever DO). It totally depends on the circumstances in my opinion when it comes to making a decision like cutting off ties from grandparents. They're definitely important in a child's life, but if it causes bad consequences, then I would definitely not let my kids be a part of their lives.

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T.S.

answers from Cleveland on

Rose I do not agree with you on this. Your dislike for your mother in law isnt grounds enough to isolate your children. You speak of your needs. The only need you should have is the need for a complete family including grand parents for your children.
Why is it you cant try to work things out with her? And why is it that you put your children and your spouse behind you? Your children are not weapons to be used for war. Why cant you grow up and just agree to dis agree? And for your information grandparents do have rights! And just not liking someone is not grounds for alienation. You need to try and work things out for your childrens sake. This is not about YOU! It is about the children! What is the real reason for this? Unless your mother in law has done something to harm your children what is it going to hurt to allow her to see the children? If you dont like her ways then allow her to see the children in your home for awhile where you can see what is going on. I am sure you will see the love she has for your children. And if there are things you dont like tell her about it in a non threatening way. And not in front of the children! I am sure your mother in law will be more than happy to make changes. As long as they are reasonable! This problem is not going to go away so why not face it now than to wait and hope it goes away? Dont make things harder on yourself and dont cause uneasiness with your husband because of you own inability to discuss the matter and come to a peaceful resolution. Im sorry if you think I am being critical because I am not. I am a mother who did the same thing when I was young. And now I am a grandmother that knows what it is like. I can see both sides. And it doesnt seem like you are willing to make a change for your childrens sake. You should think long and hard about what I have said. You will see things will be a little more copasthetic. All I ask is that you think about it. Please see my response to your mother in law. I was rough on her too.

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J.G.

answers from Cleveland on

well because i dont know the whole situation i would feel that they shoulld atleast see them supervised. how would you feel that when your boys get ollder and have a family of their own and there wives dont like you or your wife how would you feel you would want to see you grandson or daughter as well .. my mother inlaw is into drugs and i dont ever let her stay with my daughter by her self but she is supervised and she knows this but... its better than shutting them out of your (or their) lives

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M.E.

answers from Evansville on

As a Grandmother of only one grandchild, I would like to respond. My grandson (2 years old) is so very precious to me and my husband.
He is such a joy to us. We love him, his Dad (our only child) and his Mother. Our son and his wife have some ideas for raising their son that differ from what we have done; however, we respect their wishes. After all, it is their child. The only way we would feel right in stepping up and saying something would be if we felt their actions would do harm to our grandson.

You do not say what your in-laws actions are that you do not care for. If you and your husband feel these are a detriment to your children, I think you should speak with them concerning this and see if you can't come to a compromise that would work for all. This way you could allow your children to get to know their grandparents, even if the times spent together are limited.

However, if the actions of the grandparents are truly detrimental/hurtful in any way to your children, then you must protect them at all costs.

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L.A.

answers from Columbus on

I am right here with ya on this one i also have a MIL that i tolerate due to the fact she is my husbands mother!!!!! we are a blended family and she treats our kids so diffrently it is way wrong and she throws it in our faces... so the only time she really sees any of them is on the holidays.. i have 3 children which to her are outcasts in her eyes my hubby has 2 kids which to her are angels and then we have 2 together and they are somwhere in the middle of outcast and angel??
i chose to keep my kids away from her with the exception of holidays due to the fact my 3 kids dont need to be reminded how they dont fit in the family.. that and 2 of the 3 chose not to be around her any way ..

i think you are absoluty right in your choice and i agree with one of the other responses i read that if her part in the family is contaminating the kids then by all means stay away.... and have you confronted them about how you feel??? might help never know it hasnt in my situation

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A.B.

answers from Toledo on

I have been blessed with wonderful in-laws; however, some members of my family are not so wonderful. I understand your good intentions to raise your boys your way, without interference from anyoneand as a parent that is your right, duty and reward. The fact still remains that good, bad or indifferent, your mother in law is still their grandmother. Someday they will be old enough to form their own opinions about her and how she does things. Until then, try meeting on nuetral ground where there aren't high expectations and the kids can visit for a while and then go home. I have found, a lunch or dinner date works well (at a restaraunt...no dishes!!) you can eat, converse and make a clean getaway. That way noone feels like they are on home turf and in charge. Minature golf is another good one, everyone gets to play and have a little fun and move on. We don't get to choose our family, but we do get to choose how we deal with them.
Good luck!
A.

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M.W.

answers from Cleveland on

I understand that you don't like their ways of doing things but you can't keep your kids from their grandparents. It's selfish and WRONG!! Kids need to get to know their grandparents. Whether you like them are not they are family. My mom abused me when I was a child and although I won't leave her alone with my kids I can not keep her from being a part of their lives. It's not right. My stepfather and I don't get along and I don't like him BUT he adores my 3 kids. I am willing to look past any problems that I have with him for the sake of my kids knowing their grandfather. I wish you the best. Call your in-laws!! Life is too short for stupid stuff like this!!!!!!!!!
-M.

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M.W.

answers from Toledo on

You are in a very hard spot. I don't agree with keeping children away from family members unless they pose an immediate threat but, you do have the right to let you inlaws know what the ground rules are and if they won't adhere to them then they will only be allowed to visit with them in certian situations and with restrictions in place. It can be very difficult when you have relatives that are just overbearing. I pray you recieve a lot of wisdom with handling this situation. Best of luck.

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E.S.

answers from Cleveland on

By law they can take you to court for visting rights

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D.S.

answers from Canton on

I know how you want only the best for your children.
That being said, you saying they have no rights (grandparents) and it's your choice, this will come back to haunt you one day and your children will have lost out on one of the MOST important relationships of their lives. A relationship that can not be replaced by anyone. A relationship they will one day question why you put your feelings and choice over what is best for them.
Can you get beyond your feelings/(possible pain) to allow them the realtionship under your supervision?

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4.

answers from Toledo on

You don't give a whole lot of information as to why you don't like your in-laws, so it's hard to tell exactly what is going on.

If your in-laws are involved in criminal activity or pose a physical threat to your children, then you have every right to keep them away from your children. If you don't like the way they fold their towels, or wipe the boys' noses, then you are totally overreacting and need to stop denying your boys the benefit of knowing their grandparents. I suspect that the actual reason for the divide is somewhere in between, so I offer this advice: "Different" is not necessarily "bad." From the description you posted of your situation, I get the impression that you're trying to punish your in-laws... for whatever reason... and you're using your children to do it. This is always wrong and in the end, your children will suffer for it, too.

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S.C.

answers from Fort Wayne on

It's so hard when you don't get along with the in laws. I think unless they are doing something harmful to your children, you should let the in laws see their grandkids. Even if you dont' accompany them. Maybe your husband can take them to see his parents when he's home. Perhaps you can insist that the visits be supervised. I've found that when it comes to grandkids, grandparents will go to the ends of the earth to be able to see them . Have you discussed your concerns with your in laws? I think I would. The may be more receptive to your concerns than you think. If you decide to try to talk to them, you have to remember not to turn it into a fight. At the first signs of raised voices or angry words or accusations, leave. The problem is that you have to be willing hear their side of the story too. Where does your husband stand? Is he with you on this? I'm sure there is a much deeper story than what you have indicated here. You have to decide if your dislike for your inlaws is a reason to keep them away from your children.

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E.M.

answers from Cincinnati on

I like my mother n law but I do not agree with some things that she does. I also have two children, a 5 year old and a 3 month old. My husband and I do not smoke and I feel very strongly about smoking around my children. My mother n law is a heavy smoker and smoked during her pregnancies with her own children. At first, I was very stand offish and wouldn't go over there alot. I asked her not to smoke when we come over and she respects that. My kids are not allowed to spend the night or even go over when I am not there. I try to call her so she feels involved but she doesn't really see the kids a whole lot. What are some of the things that you don't agree with?

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M.B.

answers from Indianapolis on

You probably won't like me much for this BUT, Family is so important. I don't like everything that my mother has said or done but she is still my childs Grandmother and unless she is putting her in danger, they can visit all they want. I would never force a child to visit but if the child wants that, then I think it best. The children have that right.
I would, however, establish ground rules that MUST be followed. Besides, its good the children to see different life styles. They can learn from good as well as bad. It would be a good idea to discuss what you disagree about and also what Mother-in-law does that is good. Besides, there are rules now that allow grandparent visitation rights and that could get very ugly. Not a good step for the kids to see and sometimes have to get involved.I wish you all the luck!!

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N.S.

answers from Columbus on

I don't have the greatest relationship with my in-laws either. We have never fought or anything like that, we just never clicked. It never seemed too important to me until I had my son. Now I am really trying to have a deeper relationship with them. In short: They are his grandparents and part of his history. He is little now but when he is older, he will appreciate the fact that he knew them and that he knew where his family roots came from and what they had to go through. His grandparents love him and he can use all the love he can get b/c the more he is loved, the better self-esteem he will have when he gets older. He is part of them and they are part of him. To keep them separated would be cruel because I believe, that I don't have the right to decide that. My in-laws are not bad people. They have their joys and their struggle just like everyone else. I may not agree with some of the things they do or how they interact with their other grandchildren. But it must've not worried me too much... after all, I married their son! Just like part of my identity has come from my grandparents, part of my son's identity comes from his grandparents and I want him to know and love them in his own way. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship I have with them. He deserves to be close to his grandparents and they deserve to be close to him.

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T.M.

answers from Cleveland on

I don't always agree with my parents either but I would NEVER keep my children from them. They need their grandparents and their grandparents need them.
After losing loved ones, I realize that life is too short.

You don't like their way of doing things. If someone else does something you don't like are you also going to keep your kids from them too? Eventually, your kids will live in a bubble and things will be harder on them in the future and your kids will start to shut people out of thier lifes too. You would be surprised how much our kids learn form our actions. Talk to your in-laws and try to work things out.
Maybe, you could start out with small visits and see how it goes. Supervise if needed. If you can't be around your in-laws find a friend or relative that can.
I don't know what happened but think of how God would want you to deal with it. You should treat your neighbors as you would want to be treated and you can't even treat a relative nice.
If it were you in your in-laws shoes wouldn't you feel hurt and lonely and want to see your grandkids? Some things come back to bite you in the butt!
If it were your own parents would you keep them from your kids? Did you ever get along with your in-laws?
I will pray for you and hope you all get along and do the right thing.
Not just for you and your in-laws sake but FOR THE KIDS!!!
Plese let us know what happends

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H.T.

answers from Indianapolis on

Ultimately, you are the final answer in everything that your children do. However, make sure you are not being selfish with your decisions. If it's more personal than in the kids best interest, they will not be happy with you when they are old enough to understand that you kept them from a loved one. Good luck!!

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J.N.

answers from Indianapolis on

..it is ultimately your responsiblity to "parent" your children. The choices you make will affect their entire lives. If you are concerned about Granny's rules and the way she does things, have her to visit her grandchildren at your home or plan outings for them so they will be a part of her life, but not necessarily alone with them in thier home. You can also accompany them on the outings...the museums, lunches, library, or other kid friendly activities held in your town.

God's blessings
A concerned Grandma

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C.B.

answers from Lafayette on

i don't really like my inlaws either, but my son loves them very much, so every week or 2 my husband takes him over to their house to visit for a while, that way i don't have to pretend i like them. i only share my feelings about them to my husband becausei don't want my son to form an opinion about them that's not his.

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A.H.

answers from Elkhart on

I think it depends on what it is that they're doing that you don't like. If it is something that will be harmful to your children then, yes, it is appropriate and best to keep them away. If it is really just more a personality issue than anything, please be very careful. You may cause resentment in your children and also be unconsciously teaching them that unforgivness and holding grudges are ok and appropriate things. When truly they are bad for relationships, physical health and psychological health. So, in conclusion I wish you all the best.

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J.F.

answers from Fort Wayne on

I was in the position at one time, one person said something to me that made me change my mind.

"Children cannot have enough people who love them!! Unless the relationship would be abusive to your children, they deserve a chance."

I am so glad that someone told me that, my children have a very tight bond with one's that I thought were wrong for them.

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E.W.

answers from Indianapolis on

Hi, well I read the replies and agree with both sides. I love my MIL but can't stand my FIL. He isn't very grandparenty, but she would be over the top if it wasn't for him. I take him to see them when my son asks or if I need them to watch him for something (like MD or DDS appts). I do it because I feel he needs to be in contact with his grandparents more than the twice a year I saw mine. Just limit your kids' visits with them to once everyother week or when they ask and just for 2-3 hours. Don't say anything negative about them in front of the kids though, let them form their own opinions. In my case, my son has figured out that "they're too busy" a lot of the time, all on his own. He doesn't mind going over there but doesn't really want to spend the night there.
Just remember they are part of your kids' family so let them see them some, but limit if you feel necessary.
You are right, they don't legally have any rights. That was done away with a few years back.

Best of luck,
Beth

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S.B.

answers from Indianapolis on

I am in the same boat as you, not liking my husband's mom. She does the stupidest things sometimes and my husband just make exuses for everything so I am way over it. I was nice once last year and by letting her in our lives and then she messed that up by watching the boys and doing some stuff that made me so mad. I do let her see the boys on my husband time not mine and I make sure I am no where near. I don't think its right from keeping the boys to get to know her, they will see when they get older and make their own choice if they want her in their lives. I won't let her take my boys any where, if she wants to see them she has to call my husband. I wish you the best of luck!

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A.M.

answers from Cincinnati on

Okay just because you don't like your MIL. Does that mean your children can't know her. Let them make the decision as to if they like her or not. Your boys might hate you for not letting them get to know her. I am faced with that with my SIL but I am not going to deprive my children of getting ti know that side of the family. Or their cousin. I can't stand the fact my SIL can not tell you something truthfully or the fact that she carries a gun in her purse wherever she goes. But I am using this as a learning tool for my children. I am guiding them on letting them know what we do not do. My question to you is what would you do if your kids were faced with someone in school that you did not like the family? Would you pull your children out of the school their in? My advice is to use this as an oppurtunity to guide them. Don't tell them you hate her or that you can't stand her. I know this is such a touchy topic but you have to be careful. Now if she is being abusive verbally or physically then yes do not let them be around her. But from what you have written this is personal to you that you can't stand her. If this is a friend then you have every right to not be around them but this is part of the family you married into.

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K.

answers from Indianapolis on

Hello! I know you have gotton plenty of advice already but I figured I'd still put in my input because I kinda have to go through the same situation. My daughter is 8 years old and her father is pretty much MIA...he calls every now and then but thats about it. His mother to me is loud and obnoxious and has certain behaviors that I dont want my daughter to pick up. However I can tell you that there is no love like a grandparents love. As long as we are not talking about anything illegal here then I definitely say that your children need to have a relationship with them. Even though my daughters father is out of the picture I still want her to know his side of the family. This is where differences need to be set aside for what is best for the children. If you are not comfortable right away with them being at her house maybe she could pick them up and take them to lunch or something and see how it goes from there. Let your children have the special grandparent/grandchild relationship because I would hate for them to resent you later for keeping them apart.

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J.G.

answers from Evansville on

Wow....I hope your thoughts are not as harsh as your statement. What did they do to you that is so bad?? Yes, my in laws are not "exactly" like I was raised but they are my childrens grandparents. I agree with the majority. If they are not druggies, alcoholics or sexual abusers yes they do have rights. My husband was married prior to me....He had 2 previous children. When I married him they were 5-8. At first everything was a normal divorce situation. When we got 3 children ourselves the Ex started putting ideas in the childrens heads....just dared them to spend time with us or their new siblings. Basically "got mad" at the children for having anything to do with any of their fathers family. My husband and I did the best we could and he said when they grow up they will see how the situation really is....Well the Mother still has control and the children are now 27 and 30 and there is now 2 additional grandkids involved. To this day we have never been involved with his kids anything or the grandkids don't even know we exist. It is not that we haven't tried and I don't consider us bad people. We both are very hurt over this situation especially my husband. But it all comes down to we have no choice...The ex has made the choice for the children and they do what their Mother wants. So basically my husbands kids and grandkids has missed out on a wonderful father, grandfather and the rest of the family. ALL BECAUSE ONE WOMAN made the decision that she was going to show that she has control!! Well she has control and look what she has caused. The funny thing is she is the reason for the divorce due to other "men" in her life and is now on her 3rd marriage. We have now been married 20 years....So....need I say more. Don't cause an unhealthy situation for your kids. You might think they are weird but don't make the decisions for them. Guess what...your kids might grow up to be "weird" just like them!! They have the same genes!! Please listen to the majority of the responses!! Good Luck!!

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S.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

Personal Experience and opinion,
God put us on earth to love and forgive others. It took me a long time to realize this and unfortunately my Mom is not here to have that relationship with my children. Try very hard to take the (being right) out of the situation. You will feel so much freedom from doing that simple act. If there is a chance your children could possibly be abused (sexually or otherwise) always be with them. Other than that..open up your heart...things will look and feel different.I noticed that you mentioned that you are college educated. Is that in any way a problem that you have with your in-laws?
Good Luck and God Bless!
S.

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J.N.

answers from Columbus on

Speaking as a grandparent, unless they are verbally or physically abusive, alcoholics or do drugs, you are doing your children a disservice by not letting them get to know their grandparents. No one is perfect and we don't always agree with how others live. Supervise the visits, set rules about what you expect (no sugar treats, no smoking around kids, watch your language or don't talk about others around the kids, etc.). I would be lost if I couldn't spend time with my grandkids. Life is too short and you might regret this decision later. Grandparents are full of information on the "good old days", like to read, take a walk, watch movies, and give lots of hugs and kisses. Since these are your husband's parents, how does he feel about the situation? Unless they are abusive, you might want to give them a second chance. Who knows, you might even find something that you like about them.

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P.B.

answers from Cleveland on

Rose, You are quite right grandparents do not have any rights, but as a grandmother who had her grandchildren kept from her for a short while last year I feel I need to tell you that you are wrong, having grandparents is a childs right and just because you do not like your MIL does not mean she does not love your children. Think about it, if not for your MIL having a son, you would not have a husband and a father for you children, let your children know and see their grandparents, dont use them as your weapon of choice because you dont like your MIL.P.

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C.S.

answers from Fort Wayne on

Have a little compassion!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not everyone can be as perferct as you are. Maybe they don't like they way you do things and are writing about you.

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S.M.

answers from Indianapolis on

I was a young mother and my parents (especially my mother) got under my skin quite often, but I would never keep my children from her. The only time I would suggest keeping the children away is if their lives are in danger. We deal with people on a regular basis that we don't always agree with or get along with, that is part of life. Do we want to teach our children that the most effective way to resolve conflict is to right people off or avoid them altogether? What will they do in school and the work place?

Letting grandmother know what is bothering you without accusation might help.I know even now prayer helps me.

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S.D.

answers from Indianapolis on

You don't go in to any detail as to what is so wrong with them, but my first instinct, is, no, unless they are harming your children, it's not right to keep them away from your children. Legally, sure, you have every right to chose who they spend time with and who they don't. But it's not fair to your kids to keep them from family who loves them. Doesn't your husband have a say in this?

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J.B.

answers from Dayton on

I think it is wrong to keep them away from each other. I do think it is right to protect your children though. I would just reccommend letting them stop by your home at dates and times that are prearranged by you. That way you are there to monitor and step in on things you don't feel comfortable with. Also try having some activites set up for them to do with the kids like an art project or game or some of their favorite books. Hope this helps because it can be a very tough decision. I actually had a similar problem, but with my own mother. I was able to just tell her that certain things were not appreciated or appropriate when in company of my children. I then told her that her time with them was going to be very minimal if at all if things didn't change. That was really motivation enough for her to make some changes and we have been on a very positive path for about 2 years now. Good luck.

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E.B.

answers from Columbus on

Dear Nikki, My heart goes out to you. I also had a very, very difficult mother-in-law, notice I use the past tense. Our family just lost both my husbands parents with in a year. We struggled with the same idea you are now contiplating. But always came back to what was the best thing for the children. As long as the kids were safe from harm, which you have not mentioned that concern, then every child should have grandparents. Let you children know that you may not always agree with what, or how they do things but they are lucky to have grandparents that love them. Children learn by example how to deal with life. how you set this example will come back to you in the future when you are grandparents. My children learned alot of good things and have good memorys of their grandparents. We now laugh at those things grandmom used to do that at the time sent us up the wall. I was very proud at how my children delt with their grandmother as they got older, and they all cried when she past on and comforted each other with funny memorys of their crazy grandmom. I hope Ive helped in some way, from this side of the issues you face, hang in there. From an older but very lucky mom of 3.

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K.N.

answers from Elkhart on

Nikki, I know it is hard when there are struggle with family members. I come from a very close family but my husband does not. I struggle with that. My husband hates his stepfather. So we do not see his Mom very often. But his Mom is a wonderful person. I don't feel it is our right to keep our son from his grandparents. They are blood and when he gets older he can decide if he wants to be around them. I would not want him to hate us later because we kept him from them. Will we let him stay the night over at their house, NO. If they were the type of people that would harm my child or be hurtful in anyway to him, it would be a different story. Not sure why you don't want your children around them because of their lifestyle. But if their lifestyle would be harmful to the child, then maybe. But in my situation that is not the case. I just feel family if family and you should not turn your backs on them just because of a lifestyle choice. Hope this helps. K. N.

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D.D.

answers from Columbus on

If your in-laws are behaving in ways that are unsafe or illegal, then you have to use good judgment and keep them away from your children. But if it's simply a matter of not liking them because they don't do things exactly like you would, that is a very poor excuse.

Grandparents enrich children's lives in so many ways. My own children, now adults, would be much lesser people if my husband and I had kept them in a cocoon and isolated them from others. They have a greater sense of who they are and where they come from. Their sense of responsibility toward others is also much greater. In fact it would be a bigger deal if they would disappoint their grandparents then it would for them to disappoint us and I'm okay with that.

At the end of one's life, family is about the most important thing. Your in-laws raised your husband. They must have done something right.

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K.M.

answers from Cleveland on

The boys will not have their Grandparents forever, what memories do you want them to have. It is not fair to the boys or your in-laws not to have contact. Also, what are you teaching your boys about tolerance, suck it up and let them have their grandparents, I wish my 2 and 5 year old could remember their Grandmother.

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S.F.

answers from Columbus on

I know from personal experience what you are saying. The only problem with what you are doing is that in your heart you must know that it may not be the "right" thing to do and you are seaking advice to feel that it is. There is a cycle to life and in about 20-30 years, you may have taught your children that they can pick or choose not to respect their family ties. It is much harder to respect because it is respectful when you see words used that you may disagree with and or tolerate behavior you disagree with, but you are taching an important lesson when you do just that. The inevitable thing is that this is an opportunity for your children to see people in their own family and learn to respect them because of the family ties alone. They will eventually believe the standards you teach and morals you practise. They will eventually judge for themselves the behaviors they disagree with based upon what you have taught them. Yet to decide for them not to see their grandparents because of your choice may be a choice you will be haunted by if your daughter in law chooses the same in 30 years. You have more of a command as a mom by tolerance and teaching than alienation and avoidance.

Mom of two boys who are now becoming teenagers with a mind of their own. I am really glad I patiently tolerated and included family members I did not agree with because they are now some of the strongest supporters of my sons and in their own way have convinced my sons to reach beyond what they reached for in life.

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T.S.

answers from Columbus on

Rose,

We kept my oldest son away from my psycho mother n law..I know it is mean to say but she is deceased now and that was the best thing that could have happened for me and my husband. If you dont feel like your kids need to be around them, than keep them away....

T.

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R.N.

answers from Cleveland on

I'm sorry to say this because I know this is not what you want to hear. The children should be allowed to see their grparents. This isn't about you, it is about your children, every child needs their grparent in their life,unless their drug dealer or something as bad. If you don't get along with them have their dad take them. Hope everything works out for you. Pam

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P.R.

answers from Indianapolis on

I have to tell you that at 56 years old I can remember clearly my father's mother not liking my mother and them having a major blowout when my brother, who is 9 years younger than I am, was only 4 years old. My mother and grandmother did not speak to each other again until I was getting married. Result, a split in all of the family. Was it fair to the children??? No, it was not. Children have a right to get to know and enjoy their grandparents. They learn about the family's background. Grandparents are not here to be perfect, nor are we as parents perfect. Is your decision fair to your husband?? I lost out on a lot of time with my father's family, my Uncle, my Aunt, my cousins, as did my brother. You also lose their support which is foolish because there comes a time when you may need that extra shoulder to lean on, and you take away their right to lean on you as well.

Asking us for advise is nice. Have you looked to the Creator and asked for his advise???

I only pray for you and your children that you do not take from them, as well as from your husband's parents, the right to hear the stories about when their father was a boy, when the grandparents were children, and the extra arms to hold them close in loving arms.

Pamela J. Rich

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S.L.

answers from Indianapolis on

I think it depends on why exactly you don't like her. What part are you leaving out?

If you just have personalities that clash, I think you are doing your kids a disservice. My biological mother lives in CA, so we don't see her very often. I'm very close to my dad but his wife and I have never really gotten along great. I have learned in recent years that I have tolerate what I don't like. My son adores her, and though we don't see eye to eye on many things, I would never cut that part of his life out. Its just not right. I don't like the way she does things either, but my son would be devastated if he couldn't spend time with her. Like or not, she's part of the family. I think you're being selfish.

Now if she is just an obscene person who curses, smokes and drinks without regard to anyone, including the grandkids, you have a stronger argument, but you didn't disclose anything other than you don't like her very much or how she does things. There are a lot of people I don't like that much, including my sister a good portion of the time. But I still love her and talk to her and have our kids play together. She's family. Just because I don't agree with her most the time doesn't mean I can't be a big enough person to still be here sister.

Try to embrace your differences. People being different is what makes us each unique, I think for you to expect her to align with your methods in life or do as you do is just insane. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking they just don't have to deal with anyone they don't care for very much? Let her be her, you can be you, but don't have your kids end up resenting you because you aren't a level headed enough person to set differences aside and be a family.

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J.T.

answers from Dayton on

Hello:
I am sorta in the same situatin as you. I don't care for my mother-in-law very much, but I have always tried to do my very best with her. A few years back she and my husband had a huge falling out and quit speaking. She had threatened to go to court and sue for grandparent rights. I contacted an attorney who told me she did indeed have rights to see the children; however in my case she had never really made much of an effort with our children and I felt she was only going after our children as a way to punish us. The lawyer recommended that I set up a schedule of times for her to visit the children and then document the times allowed and then if she actually kept the visit or not and if not the reason why she did not. We had missed appointments with the children because of hair appointments, etc. We were quickly able to document a history showing her lack of interest in the children and it never went to court. Since then my husband and his mother have begun speaking again, but there is still a strain...She has still taken a couple shots at me telling the family I am keeping the kids from her, but the family is more aware of the situation and when she does that I still keep records of opportunities she has had to be there and has chosen not to and I quickly point them out. She has even missed all but one of my daughters cheer events once because she was hung over and was watching television. I am one of those mothers that want her children to know their grandparents even if I don't care for them because that is a part of their history. I take my feelings out of the equation for the best of my children, but it is still my job to protect them from being mistreated or hurt. If you think the mother-in-law would be good to the children even if it isn't your way of taking care of them, but they are safe and happy then let them get to know her...let them discover if they want to know her or not. They are smart and will probably end up pulling away from her as well if she is as bad as you think, but it will have been their decision and there is not way for them to resent you for that. I say give her enough rope...children are very smart. Then if she would ever take you to court you can show how you have tried to be compassionate to the situation and you will have some documentation...you have to remember a lot of judges are grandparents and so their natural instinct is to protect the grandparents rights, so you have to show why she would be an unfit influence...you can't just go with, "I don't like her." Sorry this was so long...I hope it helps you make a decision you can live with and be comfortable with.
Good luck,
JulieT.

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