Help! Inlaw Issues!

TOO MANY TOO LONG!

If your husband’s parent’s visit that much they should be paying rent. Living that close, there is no need to visit that often or stay THAT long.

It will be up to your husband to speak with his parents as it is up to you to speak to your folks if a problem comes up. (Unless either of you have an extra special relationship with the other’s parents…doesn’t sound like you do).

Grandparents from both sides should have equal time with their children and grandchildren. Alternate holidays, birthdays, and special occasions. However, when adult children marry and become parents, they deserve alone time as well. You have every right to spend Mother’s Day with your husband and your child. Your husband can let his mom know that you and he will plan something special for her either before or after Mother’s Day, but this one is going to be special just for you.

This should be rule of thumb for any upcoming occasion unless someone is dying and it might be their last visit or some emergency comes up.
There might be some crying and yelling and threats of “if that’s the way you want it, we just won’t visit any more, etc, etc.” But iFyou have truly loving families, all will be forgiven and everyone will get use to the new routine.

Keep us posted.

Blessings…..

Don't have a fight. Just lay down a bottom line and stick to it.

Example:
Mother's day is not an extended family okay holiday. If you need to see your mother, your choices are that you can go see her, and the kids and I will celebrate without you, or you can invite her here and the kids and I will get a hotel for the duration and celebrate without them, or you can say no to your mother and we can have some quality time in which I feel valuable, which won't happen with extended family around.

Don't argue. Don't budge. Don't get drawn into him ranting. Walk out of the room if you have to, if he's trying to yell at you.

Similarly, apply the same sort of "These are your choices" approach to the subject of how often, how long and other expectations. It's the only way he's going to deal with them with anything other than a yes. It is easier for him to fight with you than his mother in his head, so you have to change that equation so that you are the one who will not be budged.

Example:
I am willing to prepare the house and cook for your relatives for one visit every three months. If you choose to allow them to come over at a rate more frequent than this, your choices are that you can do the house prep based on a list of tasks I give you, and all the necessary cooking while they're here, or you can ask them to arrange a hotel to stay at so that the burden is much lessened, and you can handle the cooking when they come for dinner instead of to stay. Or, you can go see them more often than my one overnight in 3 months option. Or you can tell your mother no. Whatever you prefer. But one prep for visit in 3 months is all I am emotionally capable of handling.

It puts the ball back in his court to resolve it somehow and stop just trampling your boundaries. Chances are that he won't be willing to do all that cooking and cleaning and suddenly saying no isn't as unattractive as it was yesterday.

Again, don't budge. You may have to prove it once that you're not going to be home with the kids, or not going to cook and clean up for them, or whatever to make his brain believe that he can't get away with this anymore. But it will sink in if you give it time.

Hi there. I first want to say I get along great with my inlaws, so I am sorry I am unable to relate to that part, but I do understand a lot of weekend visits. My husband works out of town so, me and the kids only see him 2 days a week (weekends basically). His parents live 4 hours away and since having the kids we gave up one weekend a month, either visiting them or them visiting us. At times it was stressful b/c I felt like once a month was a huge deal for us since we only had weekends as a family to begin with - but then I realized and remembered what family means. I now go into the weekends enjoying every minute of it and making the best of it. B/c, I remind myself that grandparents are family and wouldn't you want your kids to have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents? My kids are now 3 and 4 and the love to call Mamma and Pappy and are always asking when do we get to see you. It sometimes breaks my heart that they can not see more of eachother. I don't know if this helps you at all, but I guess my point is that sometimes it isn't always about us and that the bigger picture of family includes aunts uncles grandma and grandpa. Plus you never know what the next day is going to bring and to enjoy the time you get now.

Good luck with your situation and I do hope you find a resolution!

If you are not enjoying the visits then clearly there are way too many and too frequent. Here's the deal your husband has to be the one to fix the situation. You need to put down some ground rules with your husband (write them down if necessary) and then HE needs to discuss the boundaries with his parents. If they come that often and you want Mother's Day to be about you and your little family then there should be no question that he politely tell them HE has special plans to spend the day with you and the baby. Your the one mothering full time that needs a break to relax with your family. It is not grandparents day and your mother in law is no longer a full time Mother so she should be happy to wait to see her adult son. I think if you don't get your hubby on your side and make him see how important this is to you the next several years are going to be rough.

This is a great opportunity for you (that's you plural--you and your husband) to learn to respect your own boundaries. There's no reason for you to "learn to deal with" disrespectful people visiting all the time. It is your house, your family, your child, your marriage--they don't have the right to but in. They need to learn to respect that. The reasons they need to learn is (1) so you can be happy, (2) so you can have the time and the relaxation to be there for and to enjoy your child and your husband. In other words, they need to back off so that you can be a happy person and a good wife and mother.

However, you can't both respect your own boundaries AND always keep the peace. It just doesn't work that way. But what's amazing is that when you become comfortable with sometimes kicking up a little dust--that is, sometimes having a conflict with your husband or with your in-laws--it gets MUCH, MUCH EASIER down the road, because people start to respect your boundaries, so you don't have to keep kicking up the dust! It really does work that way.

Mother's Day is a perfect place to start, because it is about YOU--it is YOUR HOLIDAY. You can stake Mother's Day out as your space, your time, when you get to do what you want. It makes perfect sense, and I think your husband will start the process of changing if you tell him, honey, I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS, I can't live with people constantly visiting. He might try to quote unquote "reason" with you ("but it's only three days..."), but stick to your guns: "It's MY three days. It's my weekend, my time with my baby, my life. And it's not just three days, it's..." and you list all the times they visit. "And I can't live like this. I want to be happy and living like this makes me unhappy. I want to be relaxed so I can be there for you and our child, but having them over so often, and having them so stubborn and inflexible when they're here, stresses me out."

There's so much to say on this subject--instead of filling more space, let me give you a link to a web forum where people have been discussing how they deal with disrespectful in-laws. You might find lots of inspiration just reading the posts there:
http://chronicle.com/forums/index.php/topic,52072.0/topic...

I went through this with my husband. His Mother hates me. He was tied to her apron strings before he moved down to be with me.. so I "took her little boy" -- add to that I already had a child, and you can just imagine. (We live in Texas now, they are up in Ohio)

Anyway, we have the "no more then 4 days" rule - because we figured out fast 4 days was as long as I could stand being nice to his Mom before I was ready to scream. She tried recruiting an ex-girlfriend of my husbands to come to our wedding reception - telling me husband "you never know when you may need your 'friends'" Hello?? Telling your son weeks after he got married he may want a back up plan? They've also commented that if our kids came to stay with them they would be returned "much changed" -- they don't approve of our parenting methods. I could go on. But, needless to say I UNDERSTAND.

After going up there yet again for Christmas (they live in Ohio) my husband had a talk - no more. We are our own family. Our holidays are OURS, we shouldn't feel obligated to join either sides family if we want to share it privately on our own.

My best advice is sit down with your husband when you're not angry and explain to him you feel like his mother is runninng your family -- and you're not getting to enjoy holidays alone with him and the kids. You want to talk about setting up some boundaries. You need to talk to your husband, get on the same page, and he needs to have your back. Explain how you feel and make sure he understands -- you don't want to ruin your relationship with your MIL, but you need some serious space. You, he and the kids are your immediate family -- she is EXTENDED family.. and she shouldn't be involved in everything you guys do. He needs to stand up to his parents and start discouraging them visiting more then once a month(Or pick a number you're comfortable with.) As to Mothers Day - maybe he could call and tell them he has something special planned for you, and would really like that day to be about you and your kids.

Another thing you can do - plan a trip in advance. So when they try to impose, your husband can say, "Sorry we have plans that weekend." We did that for Easter -- booked a cheap hotel and did a 4 hour drive, went to an Easter buffet at a fancy hotel, had a blast. Just my kids and husband. :) Totally worth it! It doesn't have to be a trip -- just plans. ;)

Good luck, we just tackled this exact problem 6 months ago. It can be done!

I don't want to spend Mother's Day with my MIL let alone a whole weekend, so I feel your pain.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} I would say to husband that if he insisted on having his parents Mother's Day weekend, that on Saturday, he has to pay for a complete spa day for you - by yourself. That he is responsible for entertaining them and for the clean up. It is "your" weekend, right?

Yikes. I'm not particularly fond of my in-laws, either, but at least my husband and I are on the same page in regards to the frequency and duration of their visits. They are about 2 hours away and we see them about 6x a year -- never for overnight visits. I know they would like more, but my husband and I decide together what we think works for us and is also fair to them. My husband also would not put up with criticism or rude remarks directed at me. So -- I guess my advice to you is that you really need to have an honest, unemotional conversation with your husband. Don't talk to him when you are irritated about something your inlaws did/said. Find some time when the pressure is off and neither one of you is tired, hungry or stressed. Try to explain to him that his first loyalty is to you and your daughter -- his parents are secondary now. He needs to be more concerned about your feelings/needs/wants than theirs. My husband and I had a tough time with his parents when our first child was born and they wanted to visit all the time. It helped a lot for me to point out how often (or infrequently) our friends spent time with their inlaws. I also wonder how much time your husband spent with his grandparents when he was a child. I'm guessing it wasn't as often as your inlaws visit you. Sometimes this tactic helps guys see that you're not being insensitve -- just normal. I think men don't really realize that their parents become "extended family" once they have a wife and child of their own. Good luck.

I feel for you ! I would have to talk with my husband about this whole thing,...
would he feel the same way if the shoes were on the other foot and it was your parents doing this. He should understand she has other relatives that would like to see your daughter, too, and the 3 of you as a family need some time on occasion to be just your little family. Your inlaws are wrong for criticizing your parenting choices, (unless something harmful to the child results )this is your child ,not theirs. Would your Mother in law appreciate someone telling her what/ how to raise her kids. And they would understand that they don't have the right to demand anything. I am the type of person who doesn't mind being asked about anything, but, you're more likely to get a positve response when you ask ,vs when you tell me I'm going to do something. I am an adult and so are you and your husband. Don't make the mistake of letting someone else make decisions for you . Your inlaws need to respect your wishes ,parenting abilities,etc, it doesn't necessarily mean they have to agree with them. I bet if they showed up one time unannounced and no one was home ,they might get a clue. Shame on your husband for not standing up to his parents and supporting you. He needs to be a man and let them know what the deal is and what they can and can't expect. (The bad part of this is ,the topic should have been discussed before the I do's , so you both knew where you stood and could' ve worked out a compromise,but, most people don't, so you're not alone,...lol) Work out with hubby a plan for sharing time between your families and having time for just yourselves, alternate the holidays you spend with whomever,.... I do feel your pain and understand.
Best of Luck,C. S.

My In laws did this to me last year. Not. Fun. I have started telling my DH that he can take the kids up to visit them whenever he wants, but I just need a break. It's too much to expect me to take care of two preschoolers, cook, clean, take care of myself (HA) and then get the house ready for visitors. Visitors who like to nap in MY bed.
But seriously, tell him that you need a break. Your in-laws will probably be over the moon to have him and the kids all to themselves.

I agree with Kari F. You need to sit down with your Hubby and discuss some ground rules, that HE than needs to portray to his family. You are a new mother, and there is nothing wrong with Mother's day being all about you. Also, there is nothing wrong with saying visits should only happen once a month, or that they should be shorter in duration, whatever compromise you and your husband come too. If they are saying things about your parenting your husband needs to tell them to back off and respect you as a woman and a mother, especially in your own home. I used to have terrible trouble with my inlaws, and only after laying it all out for my Hubby did things start to improve.

Why is it when I see the word in-laws in the title, I just want to bash, bash, bash? But that just gets me worked up. My suggestion is a little out of the box. Start here, and keep searching: http://aprilfoolzone.com/

http://www.thinkgeek.com/brain/whereisit.cgi?t=pranks

In short, make this a visit that will make them think twice about ever coming over again.

Be sure to include some less obvious pranks - look grandma, the kids have been fingerpainting with _____ (something that stains). Kids, go hug grandma!

Disclaimer: I have not tried any of these, except the eviltron, which failed. Don't end up in court.

I have not had the time to read other responses, so I apologize if I say what others have said.

I have wonderful in-laws, who are gems, but if there were to visit me as much as yours do, I would go crazy. (I wish they visited more, actually. They are out of town.) The years that we are with his family for Mothers' Day, though, I feel like I have had to give up my Mothers' Day, which is not fair to me. I semi-joke that the only 2 days that everyone is really nice and appreciative of me is Mothers' Day and my birthday (my kids are older), and then it's like I'm giving up one of those days!

Whatever you do this Mothers' Day, however you handle it, will set a precedent for years to come. Why not take the bull by the horn and approach your husband and say, "Honey, this is how I would like to spend mothers' day..." and tell him your plan. It could be, "I'd like to sleep in, then have breakfast in bed, then go to a museum with you and [your daughter] and just have a great day celebrating that I am a mother." See where that goes. Maybe you can plan to go to your in-laws' for the day, the day before--I know it's a lot of driving...or the week before....

Just a thought.

I feel like I just saw this question and my answer to the other mom was to become a united front with your husband and stick to whatever you come up with. Don't get ready to fight with your husband approach him and sit down and really talk andtell him how you feel. My husband's family is close and when we stayed in the same city it was annoying when they came by every five minutes....and at the time we didnt have kids. Bottom line is you and you child come first....that is family everyone else is extended family. And they have to respect you as his wife first and whatever you say goes, and if they want to be apart of their grandchild's life then they will act and respect you accordingly. BUT you and your husband have to be on the same page first. Speak up, don't fight, be real emotional let him know how you feel. I hope he responds quickly. I have to be honest with you....my husband and I have been married for 10 years and it took him about 5 ears to finnally understand how his family bugged me. And then it took him another 2 years to make his family understand and respect our marriage and boundaries. Things are good now......not great but everyone respects eachother.

There are only two choices, 1): Lay down the law and work out a compromise of reduced visits with your husband which he will enforce with his parents after you and he decide what's fair. or 2): Continue to be railroaded into way to many visits.

This is the hardest thing in the world, I have the same problem-though luckily mine live much further away and though they stay way too long when they invite themselves, they can't come as often.

You already know you cannot make them behave well, the visits will not improve, and you won't grow to want to deal with them. You need to have them less often.

Assess how good your husband is at understanding you and sticking up for you and demand fairness accordingly-and beware of the marital strain if he has no back bone with them-you may end up giving up. Mother's day is a good time to start. Tell him you want your own mothers day. Don't back down. I had to do it with Christmases once I realized they were never going to let us have our own or have them with anyone else.

Some grandparents (not my own parents, thankfully, but his) tend to feel they need to make a big huge indelible impression on the grand kids, even if they aren't particularly good influences (like some alcoholics who are mean to me I know). It's usually the nutty in-laws who act this way in the first place. Bottom line-they don't have the legal right to barge in so much on you. They can't sue you for saying no sometimes. But your husband must set the rules, because they will always railroad you. Get ready for battle. Good luck.

For Mother's Day, for me, that is MY day. My MIL, has gotten 39 years of her own mother's days and it is now MY turn!! Last year, I did give in and go to a brunch, at a restaurant, but I have refused the all day sitting at their house doing nothing but watching TV with them that they used to do. If they want to visit, they can, and I have even told my husband that if he wants to go over there he is welcome to, but she isn't my mother, and I don't want to share it! Okay, that probably sounds harsh, and if it was my mother it would be different, but I let my husband decide how he wants to spend Father's Day, so this day is my choice. Although, this year, his parents are out of town, and hopefully I will be coming home from the hospital with baby #2 that day, and my mom will be visiting to help, so it isn't an issue this year.

I think that it is great that your in-laws want to see your daughter so often, but I do think that that is just too much. I think that you and your husband need to get on the same page and decide how often is acceptable (how many times a month, and for how many days, whether they need to be in a hotel, go through the calendar and decide which weekends are open to them, and which aren't, etc.), and it is his responsibility to say something. If he refuses, then he needs to understand that you will take it upon yourself to say something. Both about their rude comments, and their visiting. It might put you in an awkward spot, and they may be a bit angry with you, so you need to be prepared for that and accept it - for your sanity.

They should have no say in sharing holidays. Your family (you and your husband) should decide who you are spending the time with, or even if you are just staying home, and if you are open to them joining you in what you do. If they aren't okay, then they don't come. Someone needs to put their foot down, and it may mean an argument with your husband, but better one, bigger one, then a constant one every time you have to deal with his parents. Your family is now the 3 of you, and that should the priority of you and your husband, not his parents.

Lots of suggestions....short and sweet from me. Could you contact his mother directly and nicely tell her you already have plans mothers day weekend but you really look forward to seeing them Memorial Day? And then the next time, if it overlaps with your family, try to tell her, we made plans with my family on Saturday, but would be happy if you plan your arrival for Monday. You may not be able to get them to come less often but you should be able to have say in when they arrive and how long they stay. Good luck!

Its so hard having house guests. But someone who visits that often probably isn't a guest anymore. I wouldn't go to any special trouble for them, and I certainly wouldn't feel that I had to "entertain" them. If they're able, I'd plan to have date night with my husband or spend some time with my girlfriends. Let them enjoy their grandchild and you get some "you" time... win-win! Also, your husband should really be the one doing any entertaining, since they're his parents. He should be front and center the whole visit, if need be.

I agree that you could "lay down the law," etc. etc. But on the other hand... is there any reason why Mother's Day HAS to be on May 9? Couldn't you celebrate it another weekend? I feel that a lot of strife takes place because people are stuck on the idea of a certain "day". Mother's Day can be celebrated any day you want. Don't get stuck on "the principle" of the thing.

Good luck. Try to be positive and use their visits to your advantage.

Hello, I have a similar problem, my in-laws live 1 hour away and want to visit at least twice a week (thankfully, not overnight). For years I tried to go along with it, I have this need to please people, but during/after their visits I would just wind up grouchy & stressed. My husband is supportive but his parents are forces of nature and they just manipulate him. SO finally I learned to just stand up to them as sweetly and politely as possible. I was waiting for them to realize they were overstepping, but then I realized they will just take & do what they want until I set the line and said no. I just had to accept that I can't please everyone (plus, no matter what I do, I'm always the bad guy in their minds and my hubbie is perfect.. hey he's a great guy but...) So when i started to stand up to them and say "this weekend we have other plans" my husband was a bit relieved, and their opinion didn't change, and I felt much happier. I wish I'd realized this years ago. Also, when they do come, I would take advantage and use them for some babysitting. Go out with your husband to dinner, sneak out for a walk or a trip to the spa or shopping while they're here. It's win-win, you get time to yourself, they get grandchild time. ANd don't knock yourself out cooking and cleaning for them, let them take you to dinner at a kid-friendly place, or let them buy you takeout, or let your husband grill something. So, I wouldn't expect your in-laws to change, you can't change other people. My advice is just change your way of dealing with them. Good luck!

In this case, it sounds like your husband needs to tell his parents what the ground rules are.

We are 300 miles from one family and 600 from the other. It's easier for me when my family comes to visit because I can be myself around them more easily. My in-laws are lovely people, but they live in a bubble, are very critical of people who don't think like they do and are a bit messy. So, it's hard for me to have them as guests. Whereas, I can tell my dad to go back in the kitchen and put his plate in the sink/dishwasher without worrying I'm going to hurt his feelings.

As far as Mother's Day goes, I think you're COMPLETELY justified in wanting to spend it the way you want to, and it's an intrusion for them to want to come. Perhaps they asked your husband if it was OK, and he's having a hard time asking. But, if he does, I'd be completely honest. Or, be the one to make the first step and tell him how you're hoping to spend the day just the 3 of you.

There are times where you have to bite your tongue and keep the peace, but I'd not personally take it well if someone was telling me that my parenting choices are wrong. Before I accepted my husband's marriage proposal, I asked him to have a conversation with his parents that he appreciated all they've done for him and the up-brining he had, but he is making choices now that they may not agree with, and he needs them to understand they're his to make. It was really hard for him, and they don't agree with a lot we do, but it's our life to live the best we know how......just as they were allowed to do.

Good luck. In-laws are so tricky. But, at the end of the day, we're lucky for our kids to have grandparents and to learn our family's history. I hope you can find a middle ground.

1) They need to stay in a motel when they come to visit. 2) Don't be so available. Pack up your Hubby and Child for a few days at the beach or where ever you'd like to relax for a bit. Send them a post card if you want.
Perhaps they can visit quarterly (once a season) instead of monthly. They might agree to this if the motel bill is getting them down.

This may not be the best advice but this is what I would do. I am very flexible go with the flow person. But if something is bothering me, I will nicely state my concern. if it falls upon deaf ears (meaning my husbands ears) I will nicely tell him that I am upset he does not see where I am coming from. You need to set boundries with family/friends.
Our families live 300 + miles from us. I would give just about ANYTHING to have that 'Free babysitter'.
Since it seems like they are just in love with your daughter, they might now know they are overwelcoming their stay. If you hubby does not want to tell them this then I would either plan a mommy/daughter trip at the next holiday (July 4th?) or tell them that your parents (or friends) are coming that weekend.
Whenever we dont want family or friends around we usually just say that we are going camping that weekend in the woods.
Sorry I couldnt be of more help. But I think you first need the support from you hubby. As long as he allows it to continue...it will.

wow! that is a lot, my mom lives thirty minutes away and I have not seen her since dec I cant figure out how to get her to visit maybe I should figure out what you do LOL. It is great that they want to be a part of your family life (as I cant beg my mom to visit) but at the same time you have your own family and need your own like and yes MIL can be hard they always seam to have the best ideas on how to be the best parent and they are not at all shy about telling you. I have a similar issue mine live less than 10 min away and are always right and I am not. I am lucky bc I can vent to friends and even my husband about it. Can you tell your husband how you feel and ask him what the best way to go about setting boundries w/ them would be? that would be my best suggestion. as for things like nursing (I have a very unsupportive family w/ this issue too) I just look up the facts and send them an email and let that speak for me. for example I did not let my daughter cry it out and my MIL did not agree so all I did was drop her an email that was an article by someone else that said why they dont let them cio all I wrote was I thought you might want to read this bc this came up the other day at our house and when I read this it really explains my feelings about it too! enjoy! and I have never ever heard another thing about it (I am lucky she took the hint). Hope this helps sorry if not. xo

Hi, MOS18:

A Family Group Decision Making Conference (FGDMC) is in order to
help get your family back on track.

Call ###-###-####

To see if there is anyone that can help you were you live.

Good luck. D.