Seeking Advice About Two sisters-One Is 6 Almost 7, the Other Is 22 Months

T.,
You have gotten some pretty good advice but I did want to mention the obvious. Children use thier hands and feet to comminicate when they cannot articulate thier feelings. The new baby has brought on some very strong feelings out of your step daughter. Her feelings need to be validated and she needs to know that it is O.K. to feel angry,sad frustrated etc. But it's not O.K. to act on them. Sibling rilvary is very normal but your daughter has taken it to extremes which does indicate immediate interference. She needs to know that her actions are inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Make it about her behavior and not about her. Her self esteem is suffering along with abondonment issues and probably contol issues too. At her age she has been through a divorce, a new mom and now a new baby. That's alot for anybody let alone a child. She also needs her one on one time with just you too. Lastly seek professional counseling. The root of her anger needs to be addressed and some how dealt with. It could be as simple as she wanted you to see her hurt the baby so you would know just how angry she feels. Anger is a second emotion... meaning there is another emotion that manifest itself as anger. Feelings of sadness, hurt, not feeling wanted or unloved. Feelings that the baby is getting the love and attention she wants and needs. At her age she is still developing and is a child.Children most likely do not know what they are feeling let alone how to explain them. Finding the root of the anger is most important. Anger left alone will fester. It does not just go away in children( or adults either for the most part).As scaired and horrified as you are, rightfully so ,just love your step daughter unconditionally. It seems almost automatic to withhold affection when dealing with a perceived threat to our babies. You can also try empathy with her too, by asking her if she had a big sister that did that to her how would she feel. Her response should open up the door to communication. I am always here should you need anymore help or just someone to bounce ideals off of or just need to vent.
N.

My 10 yr old stepson did something similar to my kids. I actually saw him shove my 1 yr old down against the brick fireplace and the 10 yr proceeded to blame it on my 2 yr old daughter. He saw terribly unhappy living with us because we had set rules for him which his mom had never done. I think he was acting out because he was so unhappy and angry. That same day my husband called the boys mom and made arrangements for him to move back with her. I know it may sound heartless and cold, but it wasn't. His son is VERY happy now that he is back with his mom and my kids aren't showing up with little bruises I can't explain. Never, ever allow your child to be put in danger. Have your husband sit your step daughter down and talk to her to find out if there are things bothering her. Maybe she needs a break from your daughter. Can she visit her mom, a grandparent, or another family member for a few days? Do what is best for EVERYONE. I hope everything works out. I know how hard it can be.

Well, I have advice from the other end. I was 6 almost 7 when my little sister was born. Now, I wasn't as physical, but I was far from nice to her. To be honest with you, we weren't close until about a year and a half ago. She is almost 20 and a mom now. I think I was unsure how to communicate with a baby. I was envious of her and the attention she took away from me. As an adult I think I was a total brat, but when thinking of when I was a child I remember how I felt. I felt like she was being treated better than me and not understanding why. Now, I know, babies need so much more attention than a 6 year old. I know I felt special and needed when I helped. I was happy when I got to be involved. Maybe you could let her join in on selecting clothes for her and maybe even helping her get dressed, pushing her in the stroller on walks, or in a swing at the park, maybe she could help feed her some of the easier foods, help with preperatin of foods, or even baths. She may need to hear the comparrison of what she can do by herself and her sister doesn't know how to do yet, so she can be the one to help her. Try to explain the physical end of a babies capabilities too, (or lack there of). I really hope they become closer sooner than my sister and I did because now I feel I missed out on so much of her life and growing up. I hope this helped in some way.

How about some supervision? Give it a try. You obviously can't leave your 22 month old unsupervised with her sister. As far as the 6 year old, sounds like she needs some discipline and some serious lessons in boundaries with little ones. Everyone needs to be on the same page, all parents/step-parents involved, when it comes to the consistency of dealing with the agression of the 6 year old. The important thing is to keep you little one safe, which means keeping your eyes on her.

Don't leave your little one alone with her until you know more about this. I have two boys with a similar age difference. We haven't had anything this extreme, but I have had to deal with the "I hate my little brother" thing. I always tell my son to treat his brother the way he would like to be treated. Also, I keep reminding them that they are on the same team, our family team. I think if there is violence, though, you might want to seek some counseling for your step-daughter. She may have bigger issues with the divorce and feeling replaced by her sister.

Der T.,

Well, first you need to find out if this is true. Then you need to spend a lot of time with the 7 year old and try to get her to realize that she is hurting her sister - sometimes Kids do not realize this. Find ways to have the 22 month old to do something nice for the 7 year old. .... and teach the 7 year old to help you with the baby, then make sure lots of people are told in front of the 7 year old that she is helping with the baby and the baby likes her sister - Praise the older one and try to keep a good eye on her when she is withe the baby, no yelling, no saying "NO" - say "Stop" you might be hurting her. I don't know this could be a passing thing, and then maybe not. You need to keep your cool and keep on working on the problem in a low key way. Let the older daughter do some things that the baby isn't old enough to do, raise up her confidence - teach her to be a woman - she can help with the dishes, set the table and sweep and fold clothes. ....and be given small gifts for helping. ....and so on. Sincerely, C. N.

Hi I am a mommy of a a 7 month old and the I have 11 brothers and sisters the truth is that it was so hard for my mother to always watch us and i know this seems unfair but what i suggest you do is you have a ''BIG GIRL''talk with the older one. what you can do also is for example is when you take the baby a bath or your toddler is have her help you pick out an out fit of the baby or help you dress the baby and then with time she will learn love the baby and be more gental and soon trust me she will love the baby and stop hurting him/her