Seeking Advice from Other Mom's Feeling the Same - Always Angry at Husband

Hi D.,
I know from the responses you have got a lot of advice. I just from all the replies : You are calming down and found the trigger switches and tamed them.

I was angry for 7 years at my husband because he can't have children ...Ha Ha...so what would he ever know about those monthly hormone changes and worry about all the what if in my mind daily.

Working mothers is a hard job !

Hey, have you felt better yet?

Hi D.,

I went through the exact same thing with my partner...it still plagues me but I am working on it and it feels like minute by minute. Something that has helped a lot is when I stop in the emotion I am having, anger, angst, anxiety, envy (you name it) and tell myself that it is just an emotion that has temporarily got ahold of me...it will pass...it is not serving me to feel this emotion...and if I calmly breath it out the feeling WILL pass and I will come back to my normal state of mind. All the moms I know feel this way with their partners. It is hard to get ok with the unequal work load, with feeling not helped, not appreciated, etc. I wrote a list of the things I am grateful for (sounds hokey but it works) and I actually felt happier afterwards. I think with all the research on 'happiness' now they have found that this type of excercize is actually clinically helpful to get back on track. I appreciated my partner more after realizing that things that make me crazy are really not big in the scheme of things...with a 18 month old things can feel harder than they are, reactions can be out of proportion to the reality. I don't mean to minimize the likely valid reasons for the issues in the relationship but working through the difficult times is very hard but very worth it. Therapy is a great thing, too. You need an advocate. Good luck, JP

Good for you for going to see a therapist. It isn't an easy step, but really the right thing to do.

I have some thoughts after reading your question, but not sure if they apply to your situation or not. My husband and I have been through some rough patches (we seem to be in the clear now) and maybe something I say can help.

Some people say that baby blues are not just hormonal, but a sudden confrontation with a woman's changed reality after giving birth, especially after the birth of a first child. We go from being an individual to being a mother. There can be a tremendous loss of self.

During pregnancy we begin to treat our bodies as if they are not our own--avoiding dangerous foods, alcohol, etc. Once the baby is born, we become focused entirely on feeding and caring for the baby. Many of us don't want to be away from the baby long enough to shower for various reasons (lack of help being number 1). Everything changes for us. Our hormones shift and often we lose sexual desire. And then there's the sleep issue. Sleep deprivation is used for torture. We go through months without a full night's sleep. Simple things become monumental, perspective goes out the window.

For our husbands everything changes too. It just takes a little longer to catch up. They don't have nine months to get used to the idea that everything is different. They can only see us changing our focus away from them as our bellies grow. Then the baby comes and we barely even notice our husbands, except when they aren't doing what we think they should be. Even if they are lovely and supportive, this is not easy for them. They give up sex but not desire.

So here's the situation: the baby is born, we have given up everything for them, and it is a joy. But we have nothing left for ourselves. And there are our husbands, wanting to go on with normal life as if nothing has changed. They whine about not having time to workout or go out with the guys, and we get very very angry. When was the last time we got to do something just for ourselves?

Their demands make us angry because they are so out of touch with our reality.

The most important thing you can do is to reclaim yourself. Take time to yourself to be alone and not listening for a baby's cry (working helps here, but you need leisure time). I think stay-at-homes have a much harder time in some ways (yes, easier in others for sure).

And have a weekly date with your man. It doesn't have to be at night. We are both off on Mondays and the baby (now 2) is in daycare. We go to yoga, go out to lunch, catch a movie, run errands or stay home and do nothing much at all. It gives both of us some time to remember our relationship and have some fun. SInce we started doing it, our relationship has really improved. Maybe you can ask a friend to share childcare (she watches yours and hers, then you watch them) or some other solution.

But remember that you aren't doing it for him or even so that your baby can have a father. You got married for a reason. You need this part of your life back too. Don't ignore this part of yourself just to punish him.

Also look at how you share household responsibilities and if necessary, change who does what according to how much either of you minds doing something.

None of this may help. But maybe it will and is worth a try. My aunt told me that she and her husband had to reinvent their marriage after the birth of each of their 2 children. But that it was worth it and better than ever afterward.

It seems like you definitely recognize that you need some help and outreach, which is really good. If you cannot understand or place the causes of your anger, you probably do need to continue working through the life changes that come with a baby.

My husband and I had some pretty rocky times when the baby hit 6 months. We were very testy with each other, but then we'd feel guilty that we were getting upset "over nothing." After a long talk, we realized the issue was that we hadn't been able to mourn the passing of "our old life." We had been so focused with taking care of the new baby, we didn't realize we had some anger about the things we were unable to do any more. We had been afraid to talk about it, because we thought it was selfish to wish we could still go out with friends at later times, do our hobbies, etc. After our talk, we realized we weren't being selfish. We just needed to recognize that we were sad we couldn't do things we loved for a while.

After that, we changed a few things. First, we allowed each other a "night out". I could see some girl friends while he took care of the baby, he could have a tennis night. Then we also arranged for a sitter or a friend to watch the baby while we had a date night. We tried to make this as regular as possible. Date nights were about every 2 weeks, we each had a night a week for ourselves, or we alternated weeks. Date nights were simple and not necessarily long. We'd put our son down for the night while the sitter was there and go out for 2-3 hours, enough time for dinner and coffee or a walk.

It is so important to stay connected with your spouse. I know it seems like you need to focus all your energy on your child, but it also sounds like you know something has to change.

Hi D.- I was just joking with my mom because lately EVERY playdate ends up being therapy for a parent wanting to know if their marriage is normal because of the frustrations and stress in all of our lives. I would joke with my husband during pregnancy that an alien life form had taken over my body causing changes and an imbalance. The joke didn't end with the delivery however, and I am just NOW starting to feel better and like my old self (the baby is 2 1/2) I suffered PPD for 6 months and then every period was 2 weeks of emotional and physical hell! I was overly sensitive, totally impatient, and overall just an angry person! Here is what helped me:

- Exercise preferably by yourself, but walk to the park and wear out the baby, so a good nap will be in order. I can't believe what just 20 minutes around the block does to clear out your head and make you sleep better

- Sleep - It is the common denomenator with problems. I was exhausted, and when the baby FINALLY slept thru the night at 17 months, things started looking up. Exercise helps with the sound sleeping too

- Time - we decided to bite the bullet and spend a little extra on daycare. It ended up being about $50 a week, but I gained 2.5 hours to myself 3 times a week!! I could exercise, shop without rushing and have some time to myself!

- Therapy - nothing wrong with a good cry and listening ears! It did help with perspective and coming to the root of my issues

- More time...it does get easier and once your little one gets more self-sufficient the baby-fog in your head will subside (or in my case, you have another kid and do it all over again!! Sorry, not a funny joke:-z)

Hope all of this advice helps, because I do feel for you. We are truly in a difficult time with the economy and all the stresses of being a family making it difficult to actually ENJOY being a family.

I saw your post, and I had to respond. I was in that very situation after my son (who is now 2 1/2) was born. I went to counseling, we went to counseling... I bought books on how to save our marriage. Nothing seemed to work. I even went so far as to leave (with my son, of course) for a three months. In the end, nothing seemed to help. I knew that things weren't working and I tried to figure out why I wanted to be with him despite that. The answer was plain and simple. I LOVE MY HUSBAND. He just wasn't giving me what I needed in our relationship, and I was doing the same... thus, creating more distance.

With that, I began to do things a little differently. I bought a book called The FIVE Love Languages- Men's Edition for him by Gary Chapman. This book is great because it explains how everyone, men and women alike, need to be loved in different ways. And, when we don't speak/act in ways that our partner feels loved, the love fades. For example, my love language is quality time. Since my son was born, I never felt like I was important in our relationship. My husband did things to help out in the house and said that he loved me, but I did not feel that he did. I needed his attention. Since we started going on dates or taking five minutes to put the spice back into our marriage, things have been a lot better for me.

My husband's love language is words of affirmation. He needs to be told what I like and what he is doing is right. He felt that since our son was born, he could never do anything right. Although I was not the entire culprit in making him feel this way, I surely added to it. When we would struggle with our son, I would just take over instead of letting him find his own way or walking him through something. He felt my hostility because I was quick to be bothered and he felt inadequate. After I read the same book I gave him, I started writing little notes and posting them on the wall where he would see them, telling him 2 things that I liked that he did that day. Whether it be acknowledging my feelings when I was frustrated and trying to help, or playing with our son for a half-hour, so I would take a long bath. Whatever it was, it started working.

I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him, and we had to do was start acting in ways that helped the other feel loved. With those steps, our intimacy improved drastically. We went from never being intimate, to being intimate often, like before our son came along. My husband admitted that he was a little jealous that our son took all of my time. Before the baby, it was all about him, then the baby came and he was out the door. Although that was not how I felt, I understood what he was saying. Before our baby, I felt young, attractive, confident. And after, my husband wouldn't come near me. That was a huge hit to my ego. He explained that it was not that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He felt that I didn't want to be close to him. When in reality, I just wanted him to find me desirable again.

Basically what I am trying to say is that both of you are probably feeling the stresses of having a new addition to your family. Be open and honest. If you are willing to give it a shot, get him The FIVE Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My husband said that it was the only thing that ever put things in terms that he could fully understand and see us in. I also loved it. A change of mindset is also a great thing to have. I went from hopeless to very hopeful, and we have another baby coming in two months. I see us together now, whereas before, I was planning for single-parenthood.

I wish you the best!

Hi D.,
I am a therapist myself, and I think talking to a professional (or someone in your church, if you attend one) is an excellent place to start. A good therapist should be able to help you sort this out to get your marriage back on track-- it's the foundation for your happiness, as well as your sons's.

Greetings D.: My dear please run quickly to see anyone that can help you- friend, minister and medical help. I am so sorry that you are feeling so much anger and bitterness & you are very right since it is your problem you need to get help from your misister, friends and doctors esp.
When a woman is out of balance and believe me having 5 children I was all over the page at times when pregnant and after-- her life is a misery and she can and doesjust about anything to feel alright. There are wonderful medications that can help and you can take a few classes and learn about what you are going through.
About your husband being an Peace Officer-- Have a son, brother in law and several friends in fact a couple of neighbors that are CHP, Coco , Alemeda County & Marin. This I understand from knowing them so closely. There are fears about when you send your husband/ loved one off for the shift that he won't come home or be seriously injured. His being worried about things at home must make it worse for both of you. The wearing of a badge is target that makes me proud that they have the guts to take the challenge of the worst job on the planet-- next to military. Talk with other wives and see how they have handled this and seek their friendship and experiance. You might need a therepist that will have compassion for that kind of stress as well.
I personally Thank Him for the service he gives to keep my family and others safe whereever he works!
Deprression can make you feel things that are not normal for you and can ruin healthy relationships with out help from others. You child 's growing enviroment is what seems important to you so work on making your home a haaven for all of you. Good Luck my friend, and if you need to contact me feel free to . Nana G

Hi D.,

You may be suffering from post partum depression. I felt the same way toward my husband for months after my son was born and finally got help about 4 months post partum. Talk to your OB and see what he/she says. It's great that you have identified a problem and are willing to fix it.

Hormones are h*** o* your body. Take care.

J.

One of my friends read somewhere that it's common for our frustration to come out at our husbands because we can't take out our frustration on the person who's causing it: the baby! My friend said that it saved her marriage to realize that.

Really, this is a very hard job. Very hard. Wonderful, delightful, and extremely hard.

Are you maybe demanding too much from yourself, asking yourself to be perfect, and then winding up frustrated and angry? I have a perfectionist streak, myself, and it has caused me a lot of pain.

Love and encouragement to you.

I have the same problem and went to the doctor about 5 years ago. I discovered that it was a combination of depression and anxiety. I went on Paxil and it has really helped. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Also, have your doctor check your hormone levels. You may be out of whack for some reason and that can cause it too. Good Luck.

D. you have received a lot of great advice. I just want to say cops endure a tremendous amount of stress at work. Sometimes they don't realize that it is coming home with them. The things they see and deal with are more than the average person can handle. So try some of this great advice, I think it might be PP too along with your schedule which I have done too. Give your hubby a break and a kiss and remember you and your baby are his saving grace every time he comes home. Best wishes from an old cops wife of 20 years. C.

Hi D.,
I know you've received a ton of responses so far, but I want to tell you that you're doing a GREAT JOB taking care of yourself! Things might not feel good or right yet, but by acknowledging that something you don't like is going on, taking responsibility for it, and seeking help-- wow, you're more than halfway there!
I think therapy is awesome and always worth the money. If you'd like a recommendation (I don't know where you are located), I have a great one that my husband and I see occasionally when things get hairy. I also suggest that you see a therapist that can possibly prescribe medication. Perhaps you would benefit from taking some anti-depressants in the short term. That person would be either an MD psychologist or a psychiatrist. Your OB can also likely recommend someone.
I'm located in Mountain View and so is my therapist (an MD psychologist). If you'd like her name, let me know.
The first year after your first child is born is a really h*** o*e. It certainly was for us too.
I remember waking for the millionth time in the night, looking at my husband peacefully asleep (he hadn't even heard our daughter cry) and just hating him! I was shocked at my feelings, but sleep deprivation among other things can really make your mind a mean place.
Stay proactive! You are already helping yourself.
A.

I get pissy at my husband because he's an easy target. The real problem for me is general stress, not enough time to do everything, not doing anything "well" anymore and his demands for my attention is where I draw a line and get defensive and hostile. We also do things differently, so his parenting style sometimes annoys me as I am sure I do stuff that annoys him too, it's just that now we have no fuse left after careing for our twins.

I have a love/hate relationship with Dr. Laura, but I did read her Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands book - it's short and very anecdotal and helped me remember who he is in our relationship and how to better be loving and in turn get better responses from him.

Hope it helps! Remember, he's your partner and will hopefully be there loving you long after those kiddies fly the nest!

Hi D.,

I went through the same thing recently and my kids are a lot older. I was always tired and stressed and we had no quality time together. I started doing some daily power naps. It's hard at first if you can't sleep during the day, but trying everyday, I got the hang of it. Second, through prayer, because I knew I was wrong being angry at my husband for no reason, I came to realize that we needed some time together alone. I made an effort to make a little time here and there, doing the dishes later even though there were sitting on my mind, I had to realize what was more important. I also planned a Weekend to Remember conference and left the kids with the grandparents. I even planned that during our anniversary month. Since then, things have been better. Once in a while I want to get irratated, but I calm myself down and tell myself to talk calmly and peacefully and that usually works for me. Good luck, I hope things work out and I will be praying for you and yours.

God bless,
N.

Seeking help is gracious and courageaous step. It is not unusual for a new Mom to have a hard time to reconnect to her husband. It is a change in the whole family dynamic, and you experience it's imbalance and want to have the family you deserve.
Go for it!

Dear D.: How wonderful that you realize that the way you feel and behave towards your husband is not only hurting him, but also your son and your relationship(s). !!
It is hard to get in control of the emotions that we have as a result of the hormones and other factors that contribute to the highs and lows we all experience during pregnancy and right afterwards. The fact that you have been experiencing these feelings and haven't come to terms with them for a whole year does indicate that you could be helped by a good therapist. I wish I knew of a good one I could recommend, but maybe someone else knows of a good recommendation. It would probably help if we knew what area you live in.

I wish you well and hope you get help and hope quickly and in addition to a good therapist, you might try the library or bookstore for good self help books on this problem, as well as try to find a good support group in your area.

Blessings on you all three!!

N.

Dear D.,
I didn't read through all of the responses, heaven knows you got LOTS of them! The main thing for you to realize is that you are not alone.
The other thing that's amazing is that you are having feelings and you're not happy with the way you feel.
It is definitely worth your time, money, and marriage to try to get to the bottom of it.
It's not easy adjusting to the shift that happens after a baby enters your life and then meeting the demands of work and juggling and just being overwhelmed can really wear on a person.
I think sometimes we have unfair expectations of ourselves....we're supposed to be SUPERWOMAN and never get tired and just go through the days doing everything perfectly with a smile on our faces. It's not realistic. And I think sometimes poor husbands get set up for failure once resentment comes into play. Even if we're not sure where it's coming from.
Your feelings are valid and I think that talking to someone will help you express your feelings in such a way that it doesn't have to come out as anger all the time.
Therapy can give you some tools to work on your own feelings and help you find a way to reconnect with your husband. I know a couple that barely see each other sometimes. She's a teacher and he's a fireman, but they figured out what works for them and just celebrated their 18th anniversary. It takes work. It's not all a Norman Rockwell painting every day. And, realizing it doesn't have to be.... takes a lot of pressure off.

I think you'll feel alot better after talking to someone who can help you sort it out.

Best of wishes to you!

Go to your gynocologist and see a therapist. There are many things it could be including things that are common to your age group depending on your age. Followup and don't let it go there is something you can do. I have had issues with hormones and menopausal symptoms right after the birth of my last child and we finally found out I was in menopause when I actually thought it was just postpartum issues. Young gals also can have depression /anxiety that continues and can be helped with an antidepressant. See both or all of the doctors you can and get lots of professional opinions. Your husband and child are counting on you to take care of your self and only you can watch out for number one! Wish you well, JC.

What you are feeling is completely normal. I have been there too for two years after my baby was born. Then, I started to make some time for myself and learnt to fulfill my own needs by loving myself and doing things on my own when my husband was not there or not interested in things the way I do (My husband travels a lot and we have different ways for having fun). When I am happy, I can share the happiness with my partner. I have read several self help books and now I feel free and complete within myself.

Not knowing your specific issues, I am unable to share how I learnt to deal with such issues. Though, I sense that you feel lonely and need to be shown love but are unable to ask for it. You want some of your needs fulfilled but are denying them by reasoning with yourself and resisting them. By having the thoughts you are having, you are already on the path to do something about it so applaud yourself for it. The resistence is the sign that you already have traveled half way. As you go on and become the role model, your goodness will rub off to your husband and you will see amazing positive results.

If you can make the time, please read these books, If we are so in love then why aren't we happy and How one of you can bring the two of you together by Susan Page. Another book is The Secret Laws of Attraction by Talane Meadner. I have read many others that were helpful and a few that stand out are, The dance of connection, Escape from emotional dependency, and Forgive for love.

Feel free to write me more.
Best,
-Rachna

I agree with some responses in this regard: It may be ppd, but not ONLY that. I did not experience pregnancy, birth or hormone changes---I became a stepparent and had some of those feeling for a long time too!! The loss of self, the constant demands, the exhaustion, the change in the relationship, the resentment and anger...
People don't really talk about some of those feelings. They just say it is magical and amazing and all that sort of thing. We all feel guilty for not feeling "joyous" toward our families---but if some of us could have nannies, housekeepers and time with our husbands alone, we might feel a lot more joyous!!

I think I may understand how you are feeling, because I, too, feel angry at my husband as well. I just had my second son, and am a stay at home mommy now which I am very blessed to be able to do, but I feel there are a lot of expectations of me and feel that he does not understand how hard it can be during the day. I have a home based business that I do around the children (which seems like no time at all some days)! We have been fighting a lot and I think it is because of my "attitude". I don't feel understood or listened to, but we just went camping this last weekend and I was so happy to get out and change up the routine. I think it is a good step to see a counselor! Great work on that one! I have not been on Mamasource in awhile, but thought of coming on here to see if there were other people who were angry, so it was neat to see your post and not feel alone. I think it will get better, but take good care of yourself!! I think that is what we are missing sometimes, is that we are so busy caring for others that we feel forgotten.

Hi D.,

I have a few suggestions. One is that I think you can do this without a therapist! Another thought is you might be helped by nutrition. Third I have some book suggestions.

First, your central nervous system could be affected by various elements that can DEFINITELY affect mood:

Serotonin plays a big part in your mood, anger, agression, sleep, sexual urges, ect. You can reduce depression and boost your serotonin by taking amino acid supplements.

Hypothyroidism, a more and more common condition, can result in Magnesium deficiency. This deficiency will result in anger, aggitation, and aggression.
Dimagnesium Malate -###-###-#### mg. can help with magnsesium levels and Iodine can help the thyroid function correctly.
Idoral is what i take.(I get mine online).

Vitamin B deficiency will also affect the central nervous system, specifically nerves. B complex drops can be found at walmart.

Two other things affect my mood. One is dehydration. Woah, I can't beleive how crabby and aggitated I get when I am dehydrated. So try this one definitely, - its free. The other is Cod liver oil- I definitely noticed a difference in a feeling of well being.

If I may suggest a few books:

IF ONLY HE KNEW, WHAT NO WOMAN CAN RESIST - Smalley (for him to read)

SACRED INFLUENCE, WHAT A MAN NEEDS FROM HIS WIFE TO BE THE HUSBAND SHE WANTS -Gary Thomas (for you to read)

HIS NEEDS,HER NEEDS - Harley (FOR BOTH TO READ)

Hang in there. I spent many years in the first part of my marriage being angry at my husband. I do not feel that resentment anymore.I didnt use a therapist to get where I am, although we tried them three different times. We felt they were a waste of money.

Hi D.,
I recommend writing a list of all the positive things about your husband. Anytime you feel stuck in anger, write the list again of all his qualities that you like and the things he does that you appreciate. Also, tell him what you appreciate, for example thank him for something he did to help around the house, even if it is a small thing. Or tell him he is a good Daddy.

Yes, your decision to talk to a therapist is a good one. If you feel anger, are you blaming him for something? When I catch myself blaming my husband for things, I remind myself of all The things he does that I do like.

Good for you!! I'm going through much of the same thing right now. I've seen my doctor and I'm just 5 weeks into weekly therapy sessions and I'm happy with the progress already.
Part of what made me see my doctor in the first place was my anger. Maybe you are still suffering from the blues or PPD. Therapy,and/or meds can help make you more like yourself. Good luck with all of your efforts. You will only benefit from therapy! You deserve to be happy and enjoy this time in your life.

Hi D.,
Sarah L. mentioned Dr. Laura's, "Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands." As cheesy as the title is, I read the book too. I don't agree w/ everything (ok, I found myself annoyed by some of her stories in the book) Dr. Laura has to say, but it was good for me to read the book. It gave a different perspective that I hadn't thought about or considered. She has an interesting perspective. Her book seems very slanted towards men, but again, I got some good tidbits out of the book that helped me understand my husband better. Bets of luck!

D.,
Anger is how depression is often shown. It sounds like there is a possibility that you turned your baby blues inward and it has now become anger. I have a good counselor, but she is in sacramento. I would definetly seek a good counselor, maybe call your OB office and see if they have any recomendations...often times they do.
W. M

Hi,

My first year after having my son was a difficult transition in that you really lose a lot of your personal time. I would never change it for the world, my son is now 10 years old and I can't imagine life without him. But I was lucky because my husband and I both worked days and were home at night to bond as a family and I didn't feel like I was doing everything. I have a close friend that has a one year old works full time and her husband works nights full time. She has described those same feelings that you have to me. She works all day comes home and has about 3-4 hours with her husband and then he is off to work. She is left with the hardest part, night time. If the baby is not sleeping well she is alone most nights to deal with it. Her husband is loving and supporting but with the work arrangement she feels that a lot of the time she is like a single parent. Not to mention they have very little or no time for themselves as a couple. They have started marriage counseling and are doing much better. They actually are now expecting their second child. I hope it all works out for you D.. :)

Hi D.,

It is probably a combination of many things--your both working so much, a new baby, more responsibilities. I highly recommend for any married couple to watch "Fireproof." It is a movie that came out about a year ago. It has humor and yet it shows how we can go through things on an individual basis and even though we love our spouse start to pull away from them. We are married as one but we are still two individuals.

I can tell you love your husband and child very much or you wouldn't be asking.

God bless, D.

Hi D.,

Can I just say, this was NORMAL in my house! My poor hubby! Looking back, I am CERTAIN it was postpardum, because nothing else could've magically changed the way I felt about him. I knew that I was suffering from P., but I thought I could "manage" to get through it, so I thought it was over sooner than it probably was. I think mine lasted about 2years the second time around.

When our hubby's are so nice, and helpful, it's even easier to blame them. At least it was easier for me to blame mine :O)

Anyway, I was honest with my husband. I told him that I love him, but for some reason I think Postpartum is affecting the way I am ( I mean, I knew it was P., but being a MAN he needed it explained to him). He was ALOT more sensitive to me and even MORE helpful.

I had to relax about him and not let every little helpful thing he did bother me. He's trying to help his wife get through a difficult time, I needed to help him help me. And helping him, was "leaving him alone" verbally. I also tried to say "thank you" more....even if I didn't mean it.

Our youngest is 6, and we are just now starting to get the "old love" back. My New Year's Resolution was to love my hubby more :O) I don't want to regret anything, I have a terrific husband! So I'm working hard this year!

I wish you the best, D.. This is not easy, but I think it's extremely normal. It's a slow working process to get through it, so be very patient with yourself. Go with what you need....if you need a nap TAKE IT, if you need a shower TAKE IT, if you need to get away THEN GO! Do what you need to do in order to begin healing.

~N. :O)

Hi D.,

I think you're doing the right thing:

1. you recognize there is a problem.
2. You're seeking therapy. I do not go to theraphy on a regular base, but I has in the past when I ran into specific problems that are just too over-whelming for me to handle alone. Only a few sessions, and it helped to to understand my problem and turned corner. I think it's definitely important for you to understand why are you so angry all the time.

Last thing I want to sugguest to maybe work on re-adjust your expectation -- you mentioned you had a good calming relationship with your husband before baby. But you know baby changes a lot of things. So expecting the relationship to be exactly the same as before baby is not realistic and can set your self up for feeling upset. There might have to be less romance in the relationship for a while, but try to find other things to appreciate him about -- maybe the fact that he's helpful and a good father.

A little bit about me: I'm a full-time working mom as well with a 2-yr old boy. Both my husband and I have very demanding jobs and we both have to travel for work from time-to-time. It does add a lot of stree to our relationship. So I can relate to your problem.

J.

Am I assuming correctly that he is home during the day, and possibly being the caregiver for the baby during that time, while you are taking on the responsibility at night? If so, I see a couple who does not have much quality time together. I don't know if you could change that scenario, but if not, at least try to work out the schedule so you can make better use of what time you do have. Life is too short and too precious to be always feeling as you say you do toward your husband.
A baby is more work and takes up more of our time than most people recognize until they are in the middle of parenting. I wonder if that might not be a lot of your problem. You may feel that the bulk of the extra work is on your shoulders, and it likely is. Maybe if you can afford to and your boss will cooperate with you, taking a part-time position for a while would help. Or perhaps you can afford to hire someone to do some of the household work for you, or at least to help you do it, and give yourself more time for baby and hubby?
You could also be having some long-term post-partum issues, so seeing the therapist is definitely a good idea. Make sure you are getting the best nutrition possible, as that can be a factor in your emotional health as well as in your physical health. You can go online and find the USDA site where they have a program that lets you enter each thing you ate during the day and it will give you feedback on how well you are doing at getting the right balance of nutrients.
I hope these suggestions are in some way helpful and will be praying that you can get over your feelings of anger toward your husband.

I think it is a great idea to see a therapist about why you
are angry at your husband. Hopefull he/she can get to the
bottom of your anger and help you "make up." If that one
doesn't work out keep trying. It is so valuable for you,
your husband and baby to be in a loving peaceful enviornment.
Good luck!

Hi D.,

I went through this with my husband and he wasn't gone all night. Although I had just been laid off from my job, was stuck at home with the baby and my older daughter, and I felt like "So, WE had a baby and now I am the only one taking care of it." To top it off, I never got to talk to any other adults nor did I try to.

Well, finally I said that I needed a weekly date night. I needed to have time every week without the children and with the husband. That way we could work on our relationship and I could have time away from the baby.

I know that you work FT but you still need to have that alone time with your husband. You are both feeling neglected and your relationship is as important and in some areas more important than spending that extra evening with your son. I say try date night, do not feel guilty, and save the money you would have spent on a therapist to pay for a weekend away with your husband.

By the way, we have been doing date night now for 7 years and we have a great relationship and have fun all the time. We also are both calmer and have more fun with our now 3 children.

D.

I can relate... I was angry because my thought was that "we" were having a baby and it ended up that "I" was. He was great during pregnancy, birth and then after it was like "ok, good luck".

Working full time, care of the house, the finances, my personal life and now the baby became so overwhelming.

I finally talked to him and said: Hey, look - I need help!

I explained how much overwhelmed I felt and he stepped up to the plate to help me more. The best thing i did was let him decide the "how" he can help. Becuase ya know if a woman dictates to a man that is like taking is manhood away. LOL

Occassionally he needs a reminder but all in all it has worked out.

May want to check your hormones too. Good luck with everything and hope it all works out...A.

I think the fact that you have contacted a therapist is a good start. Hopefully, she can get to the root of your problem with your husband. I am wondering if you have always felt this way somewhat... you say that a year ago your relationship was great and most fun with husband because you wanted to create a calm and happy environment for your baby while pregnant... it almost sounds like you forced yourself to create this environment and maybe things were not going well then either.

There is nothing wrong with a therapist.....also if you are part of a mommy group, church group.....where you can just talk things out about the crazy mistakes your husband makes..you'll find that it's just not you!....Most mommies do get in this rut.....and want to get out of it..but it seems so hard...baby steps is the only way to get out of it..I'm still in it...You are so concentrated on your child that by the end of the day you can't give anymore and hubby comes home and expects attention from you when all you want is some time to yourself...I am not sure if you have done this...but start planning a date every month...find that babysitter or good friend that will help out...or....try and get your child to go to sleep earlier so that you canhave that time to yourself to recharge and then pay attention to hubby....there are things that my hubby does that makes me mad and drives me nuts...the list goes on forever....but somehow you have to find a way to let it go.

You are not alone...wether you are a working or stay at home mom! Hang in there!

Hello D.,
What its called is postpardum depression, many women go through it. Its mood swings from giving birth, & always tired. My situation was different. Think of it as women having their time of the month being moody.
After I had my son, my sister told me she never seen women can be so grumpy after having a child. She was with me when my son was born. Get plenty of rest, & try not to take it out on your man. Some women tend to get edgy, its the hormones. Good luck. G.

Why not start with...what does he do or not do that makes you angry?
Having a baby changes the dynamics of any relationship, you no longer have time alone, you are always tired and someone else is always demanding your attention. It may be that subconsciously you recognize the change and feel SOMEONE is to blame! Guess who? You can't lash out at the baby because, well, it's a baby, so who is next in line? If any of this rings true with you then you need to sit back and realize that just because things have changed does not mean that your relationship with your husband can't still be loving, fulfilling and happy. What it does mean is you will need to plan time alone with him, be willing to accept his help and be willing to ask for his help. It sounds like the two of you don't have very much time together with you working days and him working nights. Find the quiet moments to appreciate your marriage again. Friendship, respect, trust. Those are the foundations of any good relationship, do what you can to create those three things again in your relationship. And yes, if you need guidance from a therapist don't be afraid to ask for it. =) Good luck!

D. ~ I too have felt this way towards my husband. I did discover that I chose to be the way that I was being and that I needed to take responsibility for my behavior and my feelings. I made a choice to do things loving for my husband even when I didn't feel like it. I made a choice to do nice things for him or respond to him in a loving way, even when I didn't feel like it. Soon my feelings followed. I was surprised how quickly his attitude changed after I changed my attitude. I think as women, we really control the environment in our home more than we realize. If we choose to have a good attitude, the rest of the family follows! It is a choice that you make every day.....as far as the therapist goes, the could really go either way.....depends on the therapist, and what your goal is. Is your goal to fix your marriage and make it work or are you just looking for a way out? It doesn't sound like you are looking to get out of your marriage, so I would just be careful who you go to and make sure that they have the same end goal as you have.....Good Luck!

Hi,

You have a full time job, a baby, a husband and a house to run. I know you are tired and things are not the same as before the baby when you could focus on anything you want. So you have had a lot of changes in your life. I think the first couple of years with a baby are really hard. Its a great step out of this rut just admitting you have these feelings and you want to try to resolve them. I read the "Care and Feedeing of Husbands" by Dr. Laura and it makes a lot of good points. A therapist may be able to help you understand your feelings better. But if you work on Actions now your feelings will probably follow, so try to make your home a loving environment for your husband and your child and things may just fall into place.
good luck
J.

I think there are a million things that could make us mad at our husbands. I'm almost 5 months pregnant and feel like my husband really has not been very understanding or supportive of my pregnancy. He's thrilled for it - but just doesn't understand when I say I'm too tired to do things. We are also in the middle of a bid remodel with firm deadlines... so everyday he pushes me to do more and more things for the remodel when all I feel capable of doing is holding down my jobs, trying to eat what I need to eat while not throwing up, etc. It makes me very angry. Then he gets mad at me for not acting a certain way towards my step-son (his son from a prior marriage who lives with us half-time) and I just think - what about the fact that I'm PREGNANT!!! Don't I get any priority or sympathy here? It's a formula for anger. I don't know if there is any way around this. Our life situations just make us angry. If you come up with a solution I'd like to hear it. We go to therapy (both individual and couples) and I think it helps some. But it doesn't stop me from getting extremely angry when I feel like my concerns or needs are not being acknowledged.

Did you grow up without a man in the house? Or was there a come-and-go male in your life growing up? You are right to be concerned about this. Your baby will grow up in a broken family, shuffled between two parents that are damaged and angry, if you don't fix your anger issues. You are basically shoving your husband into an affair with someone who makes him feel valuable and good about himself. Protect yourself and your baby, and deal with your issues. I can relate to what you are feeling. It's a terrible place for you to be every day, and it doesn't have to be that way. Love this man, he is your child's father. You don't mean it but you are tearing apart your home and family. Don't let that happen. It isn't worth living life with a divorce and having to deal with some other woman coming into his life and playing mommy to your baby.

You hit the nail on the head. My kids are older now but I was in the same boat you are in. Peace officer husband, working full time, postpardum after both kids and I felt resentful toward my husband. I think its part his job. His job is always looked as being more serious, more important. So his sleep is more important. On his days off he was to take care of the girls and he would always take them to his mom's and I didn't get to do that. You generally pass each other in the hall when you get home. When you are getting home, after working all day, picking up the kid, you want to relax but, your husband is leaving and you have to keep going till the kid goes to bed, all by yourself. Alot of law enforcement and military marriages end, so try really hard to find those sparks again. When your child gets a little older it will get much easier. Sleep makes all the difference and don't forget to treat yourself. A DVD, flowers, lunch, mani and pedi, anything that makes you feel like a girl. I have a tv in my kitchen so I can watch my movies when I cook and do the dishes. Remember to work together as a team instead of against each other. That piece of advice made all the difference in the world to me. Good luck.

D.,

I did skim through the posts you got but I had to add my 2 cents...LOL...
Because you can not put a finger on what it is your angry about you may not really be feeling angry but a form of "momma" worry that comes on at birth and stays for a year to 3 years depending on the situation. Be honest with you and your hubby, say to him I feel angry and I dont know why...then, tell him you love him!!! Then try for making yourself do romantic things to spice up things for you both....somehow we women can deliver our passion with our first children, we can bring it back but it takes time. Dont give up on your family! Also make time for just the two of you. God BLess and Good Luck!
Watch the movie "FIREPROOF" as soon as you can (even if you watched it already...this time do it again and use the same methods)...

At least you know you are not alone! Two boys 7 and 5. I am always angry at my husband. Always! Poor guy. He is so sweet and funny and nice but I don't laugh at him anymore. I just want to thank you for being so brave and helping me realize I am not alone either. I am going to follow the advice of Gail B. I think it is the best. I have a poor diet, never drink liquids and never exercise. I am surprisingly not overweight but my nutrition is very poor. Hopefully this will help my mood. I also agree with the other woman who said we choose to act the way we act. But sometimes it is so hard. I want to appreciate him I just don't. Anyway thanks again for sharing and helping other women with the same problem!