I am wondering if I am just being to touchy or if this is really as rude as it seems to me.
A little background: To make this easier, I am going to just use their first initial, so it isn't so confusing. I have 3 children (K, T, S) and two neighbor kids (A, M) that are friends with all 3 of my children. T had a friend over (R, not a neighbor), K was playing at M's house, and A was playing at our house with T, R, and S.
I got a phone call from M (neighbor) asking if our other neighbor, A (who was playing with my other two kids) could come to her house instead of playing at our house. I find that particularly rude to ask our guest to come over to her house instead. I have dealt with rude behavior from her for quite a while, but not to this degree usually. For instance, when she asked me if she could spend the night, I talked to her mom and told her what we were having for dinner to make sure she liked it. Her mom said she did, but when M heard what we were having, she said she would rather I make her something else, because she didn't feel like eating that today. Then, when I said it was time for bed (which was a pre-arranged time before I even said yes, she could spend the night), she said she didn't want to go to bed, yet. I told her that she had agreed to the time and that it was now time for bed, she told my children, "Your mom is soooo mean!" right in front of me. Then, in the am when I made pancakes for breakfast, she drilled me on how I make them and told me she won't eat them, unless they are made the right way. By then, I had about had it with her behavior and told her she would either eat them for breakfast or go home for breakfast.
So, with all that being said.......am I overreacting? Should I talk to her mom (who is about as rude) or just not let her come over very often? If I do talk to her mom, how do I approach it?
I wouldn't say anything to the mom, unless you tread lightly like Tori said. It's hard to be mad at the kid if her role model isn't very tactful. So maybe you can model better behavior for her and be kind but firm. Next door is too close for hard feelings.
I wouldn't let her come over as often. Maybe you could tell her how disrespectful she is being (in a nice way) or maybe you should talk to her mom.
I see three possibilities: lack of social education (probably passed along from previous generations); a princess syndrome (fostered by overindulgent parenting); or this girl (and possibly her mom) are on the autism spectrum (Aspergers types, who are frequently oblivious to social cues from other people, and can be VERY particular about how things should be done).
The daughter is not at fault for any of these if she's younger than, oh, say, adult. Even then, childhood habits and expectations are hard to recognize and overcome. (How many of our own attitudes and habits have we successfully changed?)
So don't take it personally. She's not out to make your life miserable, she's only trying to meet her own needs (as she understands them). Just return the favor, and be clear about your own needs when you're interacting with her. You don't even have to tell her she's being rude, because if she's able, she'll gradually get it.
You can give her messages like, "A is playing right now. I'll ask her later whether she'd like to visit you." (Or, if it works for you, you could invite M over to join the other friends.) or, "I'll ask your mom if you can sleep over – here's what I'm serving for dinner tonight. … Oh? No.If you want to stay here, that's what you'll be eating for dinner." or, "I hear that you think pancakes should be made your way. At my house, I make them my way. You can stay here and enjoy pancakes with us, or you may go home for breakfast. Should I call your mom and let her know you're coming home?"
(This last issue sounds particularly like the child is an Asperger's type.)
All these things can be said gently, in a friendly tone of voice. Anger from you might be puzzling, because I doubt this child knows she's doing anything wrong. And by using calm and polite responses to her demands, you'll be modeling good manners yourself.
Talking to the mom isn't likely to make much difference, other than creating an unnecessary rift. Which could be the fodder for neighborhood gossip, division, and drama. Who needs that?
I would tell ANY kid who spoke to me or about me in that manner that in MY house, we didn't talk that way. That if she wanted to come over and play or spend the night, that she could abide by our rules and that meant that she ate whatever I cooked for dinner and went to bed when I said it was bedtime, just like my own kids do. If she said anything about me being mean, I would sweetly say, "Well, I'll be happy to walk you back over to your house if you think I'm too mean to stay here." She's a KID. Don't let a kid talk to you that way! Kids do what they're ALLOWED to do.
I can tell you one thing, after those 3 instances: complaining about dinner, then the bedtime and then the outburst about being mean - she would have experienced mean!! She sure wouldn't have been spending the night at my house after all that. I would not put up with that kind of stuff from a child, period! Especially in front of my own children. What is that teaching them? The neighbor kids can treat you rude and disrespectful and then still have the 'privledge' of spending the night and coming over to play. Think again! I wouldn't talk to the mom, if she is just as rude that is where the child is picking it up from. I wouldn't let the little girl spend the night again and I wouldn't allow her to come over at all again. Not just the 'not let her come over very often' like you mentioned.
I don't think you're overreacting, but kids really can be pains in the tush sometimes.
I don't know that saying anything to the girl's mom would make much of a difference.
I just wouldn't have her over to spend the night anymore.
As far as asking if a guest can come to her house instead, the simple answer is NO.
I've had kids that tried telling me, "My mom lets me do this or that" and I simply say, "I'm not your mom. We do things differently at my house. You're welcome to go home if you'd like."
It's not mean, just very matter of fact.
I did daycare for a little girl who literally said to me one day, "What part of I ONLY eat chicken nuggets don't you understand?"
I told her dad he was going to have to find somewhere else for her to go.
All the other kids ate what I prepared and I wasn't going to be talked to like that by a little kid. Period.
Save yourself the drama and just limit the times the girl is over. If she's more of a pain than she's worth, it's pretty simple actually.
Best wishes.
It sounds to me like she is learning her behaviors from her only role model (mom) who isn't very good socially either! Yikes! I agree that you should probably be kind but firm with her and tell her that's the way it is. I hate to take the step of not inviting her as your house may be one of the only ones she has to go to and see "normal" behavior. I think that if you set up firm boundaries with her she will probably come around, if not, then I guess maybe you should limit her time at your house, sad, but understandable.
If you choose to talk to her mom, you have to be kind of jokey about it in my opinion. Since the mom already lacks social graces, you may want to include it in a conversation you're already having with her....oh M is so particular isn't she?? It was so funny when she asked me if I made the pancakes the "right" way! I hope I did! haha! Is she like that with other things? ...
I would bring it up lightly as if you find it endearing and interesting and see what mom says.
I'm sorry, in our house we eat what is served, go to bed when told, and if we have nothing nice to say we keep quiet...you are welcome here as long as you understand these things :)
Say it with a smile and leave the decision up to the child, but be firm-if she can't accept these few things she is welcome to leave and not come back.
I think she is definitely rude and its ok to enforce your rules in your house. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to stay over. Some of it is pretty normal however, depending on how old she is. My 4 year old nephew can be pretty demanding and particular but I just sort of joke around with him and kindly let him know that certain things are done my way in my house, without being too mean. Of course he is only 4 so he is still learning the art of manners. If this girl is much older than she has missed that lesson somewhere along the line. I would just stick to your rules and try not to stoop to her level of being rude and childish. You could also talk to her mom about a few issues that really you that she is repeating. Maybe the mom doesn't realize how her daughter is acting.
What did you say when the Mom called and made that odd and rude request about sending your guest to her house? I can't believe anyone would do that. I would be stunned, and probably just say, "um, no, she is a welcome guest here happily playing with my children, I will not send her away, you'll have to tell "M" to make plans with her *another* day" And wow, M was super rude when she came over for the sleepover, but I guess you can see who rules the roost in that house. I wouldn't talk to her Mom. I would just be sure to correct M the next time she says something out of line. If she persists with all the disrespect, then no, I would not allow her to come over and play. I would also talk to my kids about how disappointed you were in M's bad manners, and tell them the next time they want to have a friend sleepover, they should talk to you in advance, and plan to invite a more respectful friend.
I would have told M that A's parents are expecting A to be at your house and that it would not be right for him to be somewhere else.
As for when she spent the night I would have told her this is what we are having and if you would like you could go home to have dinner. Most kids when you have a sleepover you expect them to lay in bed and talk, so you put them to bed knowing that they will not go to bed right away any way. But she never should have talked back to you. You did the right thing with the pancakes. I would have expained to your kids after she left that, that is not the right way to act when you are invitied to some ones house and leave it at that. I don't know that talking to the mom would do any good.
Are your kids picking up on the rude behavior and displaying it at home? My mother always alienated us from any friends whose behavior rubbed off on us. I have not yet had that issue with my children, but you better bet I would do the same. Right now, I will not allow a cousins daughter in my home just to visit, because she will not mind anyone and deliberately does what you ask her not too while making sure you know she is doing. I won't tolorate that in my home. I expect respect from those who visit my home. I would expect my children to respect their home and their rules at their home and they should respect mine. If I find that my children were disrespectful at someone elses home, they would be grounded from having and and visiting other homes for a few weeks. If she doesn't respect your home and your rules then I would explain to her that since she doesn't that she cannot come to home or your children to her home for X amount of time. I don't think it is too much to ask a child to respect you and the rules of your home when they visit. If she is not taught respect at home, someone needs to teach her. If you do it with love, yet be firm, maybe you can make a lasting impression on her. Good Luck.
How old is this kid????
You don't need an example like that in your home. I think it would be a total waste of your time to talk to her mother about it either-- especially since shes justn as rude? I can tell by the way you have worded all of this that your kids are not allowed to walk all over you, so why let anybody elses child?? I wouldn't let her come over any more, period. By the way, you are NOT overreacting!
Yes, it is a rude behavior, and the rest of attitudes shown to you by the girl.
Just be firm and remind people (mom and daughter in this case) in a nice way that it is YOUR house and you have YOUR rules and way of doing things.
Next time do not give up or yield to these kind of situations. It is clear that the kid doesn't have boundaries; it seems she has not been taught respect at all. Most of the times kids emulate their parents and other times they are just being kids. I think this time it's not the kid being just a kid.
Be firm and avoid major contact with them, you are educated and polite, so you can have good excuses to avoid them.
Good Luck!
I'm not sure what age this child is, but regardless, I think that her behavior is way out of line. You could try talking to her mother but since you said her mom is just as rude, then it may not be worth the effort. As far as speaking to this child, I like what Jessica C. said! Your house, your rules. :)
