Neighborhood Friend Conflicts

Shane B. had the best responses ever! I have found what she is stating is so true, I just have never voiced or viewed it like this but I do handle situations the same way and guess what, the naughty ones stay away and the ones that have been taught manners and respect come back, maybe a little sheepish at first but their little personalities show up again but now with boundaries.

Be prepared that it could backfire. We went through this with a neighbor and they never spoke to us again. This was 4 years ago.

It happens. Kids are kids. You handled her well while she was still there, and the next time you can be even more proactive about it because you'll be able to anticipate any possible rudeness from her. If it happens again then I would bring it up to her mother.

I wouldn't say anything to the mom.
Next time the girl came over, I would tell her she's not allowed to play with the scooter because she didn't put it away nicely when asked AND she stuck her tongue out at me on top of it. I would tell her that if she can't play nicely and put things away when it's time, she can just go right back home.

One of two things will happen:

She will play nicely and do what you say so that she can continue to play at your house, OR she will run to her mom and tell her that you are mean, in which case another two things may happen.

Her mom will call you about being mean to her kid and you can explain about the disrespect....
OR the girl just won't come back anymore.

It was rare, but I had a few kids who told me they were going to tell on me to their moms and I just said, "Fine. Don't come back here without your mom".
The truly naughty ones didn't come back because they didn't want me telling their mom what they did. The other kids came back and we worked it out and had no further problems.

Kids didn't mess with me at my house.
I was strict, but strangely, I always had a bunch of kids flocking around.
Except for the ones who didn't want to play nicely or put toys away or share and get along.

There's no need for conflict. The girl's mother wasn't there. You were. Your house. If she comes back...deal with it.
You are not harming a child by saying that you will not accept certain behavior at your house. Why make her mom tell her that?
It's okay for you to say it.

Just my opinion.
No offense.
Best wishes.

I wouldnt go to the other mom since you arent friends with her.
This incident allows you to know this little girl a bit better. One you need to keep an eye on for sure when she's in your yard. And one to use as an example to your own daughter on how you don't want HER to act.
I probably wouldnt let her play in the yard again until she apologized for tossing the scooter. You have that right.

I would let it go and only go to the mom if the behavior repeats itself.

I would speak to the child, and say (and have said) something along the lines of: that type of behavior is not acceptable in our home/yard. When you are ready to apologize for being disrespectful AND behave nicely, you will be welcome back here to play, until then please do not come back, thank you.

When my daughter was in 4-5th grade she had a neighbor "friend" over several times. This little girl was a bit on the bratty side but I felt sorry for her because her parents just ignored her and her grandparents babysat all the time.

Anyway, my daughter had 2 electric scooters which were popular at the time. In a situation similar to yours, I asked her to put it away please.

Right in front of me, she threw it down, it broke the control on the handlebar. These were not very expensive scooters..Maybe $120 or so but the fact that she just threw it in front of me put me in fumes. When she realized it broke, I saw fear in her eyes.

She went home asap... never said I'm sorry... just ran. So we gave her time to get home and when enough time passed, hubby put the scooter on her doorstep. The dad asked why. Hubby said well she broke it she can have it now. My hubby does not hold back when he is po'd. The dad said we couldn't prove that she broke it. I said I watched her. Of course, the dad would not believe his angel would do such a thing.

So hubby said to the dad, no one from your house or any house is welcome at our house if you disrespect my family or my property. We left the scooter on the front step and left. Never had an issue with them again. Daughter never interacted with her again either.

Sometimes you have to be very firm and get parents involved. I would certainly want to know if my daughter was disrespectful at someone else's home.. that is a HUGE no no around here.

IMO that is VERY immature behavior for a 7 YO so my first thought is b/c of that that you're probably not going to get very far w/ the mother.... as in the apple probably doesn't fall far from the tree.

Due to that I would do what the poster below said. Best of luck!

Overreacting would be to have a powwow with other mom and child in front of the neighborhood council where everyone votes "Survivor" style whether the family gets to stay in the neighborhood or move. This isn't overreacting. Its noticing the rudeness of someone else's child and wanting to do something about it.

Your not overreacting at all. The next time she tries to come over I would tell her she cannot play with your daughter. I would tell her why and send her on her way. Then I would explain it to her mom why she cannot play with your daughter, I would want an apology. What a brat!

I don't think you are overreacting. I wouldn't want my daughter to play with that child anymore, either. However......
I don't think telling her mom that she stuck her tongue out at you and was disrespectful and refused to put away the toys when asked is going to do much, but irritate your neighbors. I mean... most parents don't want to hear that their little Suzie wasn't perfect...
And I think it is a little knee-jerkish to forbid your daughter to play with her ever again.
If it were me, I think I would just be very careful about having that little girl around any more, and keep close supervision in the future. Tell your daughter plainly, that what the girl did was disrespectful and rude, and that you had better never see her behave that way (meaning your daughter). Then let it go. If she comes back around, remind the child at the outset, that when you tell her it is time to clean up, that if she isn't willing to do so then she needs to just go on home NOW. And that if she is disrespectful to you, she will be asked to leave. If she can behave and be polite, then she is more than welcome to play. And then stick by it.

Involving the mom just makes it stickier. Be direct with the little girl. She knows what she did. And if she didn't know better before, she will know better in the future--thanks to YOU. :)

i would've felt the same way & reacted the same way. i wouldn't have told the mom on the first offense but certaintly if/when it happens again, i'd march my tail right over there & tell mom b/c she may (or may not) know. either way you decide, you're well within your right to get onto the kid, just like you did, anytime they're on your turf. i never feel bad correcting or enforcing consequences on another kid when they're at my house. that's just me though. and that's with or without the parent present. good luck honey!

If it were me, I would talk to the mom tomorrow while the kids are playing together and say something like, "I don't want you to feel bad because I know she was just being a 7 yr old, but I thought you might want to know that your daughter did _____." This way the mom knows that you are forgiving and understanding but she also gets the chance to correct her daughter's behavior.

I think it's completely appropriate to take it up with the girl the next time they play. We have run into this with our neighbors, also--although the neighbors tell me their parents don't correct my kids, because they're guests, which I fairly seriously doubt, knowing the parents--and I believe that if kids are going to be running back and forth from house to house playing at friend's houses, and they're still acting like kids--then the parent in charge needs to gently correct the child in error. It helps me to remember that *my* child is surely not acting HIS best, either, at a friend's house, and that while I'd prefer to think that my child would never, ever do something like that, likely he does. Keeping that in mind, I correct the child the way I'd want my own child to be corrected at a friend's house--and I would, definitely, want my child corrected for something like that; not in a mean, punitive way, but in a way that says, "There are some universal rules of politeness, and we ALL try to follow them."

something similar happen with my daughter a couple of years ago. I let the mom know when I seen her and told the girl she could not come over to play because she did not pick up. It was about a month or so when she asked to come play again. she added and I will pick up and put toys away. After that everything was fine but since then they have moved. Stand you ground. good lesson can be learned from this. If she wants to come and play she has to follow your rules.

yup, i'd let her know. not in a accusatory or angry fashion, but to tell her that it happened and how you plan to handle it next time (or ask her how she'd like you to handle it.) because it clearly needs to be handled. and even if it's an unpleasant surprise for her, she should know. you'd want to if it were your child.
doesn't have to be conflict, don't think of it that way. it's simply letting another parent have information they need and deserve to have.
khairete
S.

I like Shane B's answer also. I would hope its just a fluke and not go to her Mom, but if it happens again, I would actually walk the girl home and tell the Mom and girl at the same time that she is not allowed to play at your house until she apologized to you and your daughter.

I wouldn't say anything to the mom but the next time she wanted to play at your house I would set the rules upfront. "Last time you didn't help pick up. When it is time to stop, you need to help pick up the toys. Last time you weren't very nice with the scooter and if you do that again you will not be able to play with it again." Then stick with it. She pulled what she did because she thought and correctly so, that she could get away with it. If she has the rules down first then she knows what is expected of her and will know that she loses out if she does act that way again.

We have actually run into this with our neighbor kids. When they want to play, I just tell them straight out what the rules are (we have WAY more bikes, scooters, roller blades, toys in general) and that if they want to play with OUR stuff, they will NOT be disrespectful and throw things, etc. IF I see them do it, I will take it away and they won't get to play with our stuff for a week. I did this when we first moved in and its been 4 years. Every once in awhile, they need a reminder, but they are older now so they are better and we rarely have an issue. At 7, that kid is old enough to be told directly, so enforce the rules at your home. Good luck!

i wouldnt say anything to her mom-but next time she comes over-id sure set up boundaries-or tell her shes no longer welcome do to her rude behavior.and if she goes tells her momma-then go from there-but dont tolerate this outright disrespect-your daughter will pick it up quiclky.

Nope, not overreacting. I would want to know if my daughter behaved like that with a neighbor...

Oh, hell no, you are not overreacting! You have every right to expect that children who play with yours are at least respectful to you, your child, and the toys they play with.

That being said, I completely understand why you'd be hesitant to approach the mom, especially if you don't know her well and that your children only play together occasionally. I would let it go, for now. Talk to your daughter about the behavior and your feelings about it (very simply, "that behavior was disrespectful, and that's not tolerated") The next time this girl wants to play with yours, I would tell the girl that you were disappointed with the way things ended the last time and again, say very simply that that behavior is not acceptable at your house and that you're sorry but if it continues, she will not be allowed to come over anymore.

I would not permit my child to play with her. Seriously-what a brat and not a kid you want your child to be around. Just tell your daughter she is not permitted to play with this girl and call your daughter in whenever she comes over. This behavior goes above and beyond and you shouldn't tolerate it. I have to say that while I have seen some seriously bratty kids I am not sure that I have ever encountered a child like this. I wouldn't even bother telling the mom because my mind would be made up about this kid so i wouldn't have to worry about it happening in the future.

You could tell the other mother:

"I'm just letting you know this because if my kid did this, I would want someone to tell me...Janie was very upset when it was time to stop playing last night and she stuck her tongue out at me and threw the scooter down...I'm sure she was just having so much fun that she didn't want to stop, but I thought I'd let you know what happened so if you want to talk with her you can"...

I'd be horrified if my child acted like that at! I think I'd like to know about it... but it's a touchy situation if you don't know the other Mom very well.

I would maybe bring it up the next time you see her, but try to do it without making it a conflict. Maybe start by saying "if my daughter ever behavied this way I'd want to know so I thought I'd share with you that the other day..."

Not to get the other child in trouble - but to let the Mom know that she should probably have a conversation with her about what is OK to do at someone's house.

you asked the child to put the scooter away, she then threw it at you, the next time she shows up at your house to play, pick up the phone and call cps, and tell them a neighbor left their kid at your house, and can cps come and get them ?? the kid will waste no time leaving, and if she has a brain in her head, she wont come by again. sounds to me like the kid has some serious problems, and she has taken horrible advantage of you because you refuse to confront her about her behavior.the next time the kid throws a toy, she will more then likely hit your child with it first, its high time that this kid be someone elses problem..somewhere else.
K. h.

Ha, I'd have left it there and gotten the mom immediately. I'd want to be told if my daughter EVER acted that way. She is 7 and doing that? Oh heck no!

My 5 year old wouldn't act that way. Shoot, my 2 year old niece wouldn't act that way!!

Whether her parents aren't strict enough or the girl was just testing her limits, it was unacceptable and I would not have her back over until she apologized and learned to respect our things.

Here is how I would handle it. Just Wait.....Wait till the next time that the kid wants to come down and play. Then calmly go out and tell her she is not welcome to play based on her behavior last time with the scooter and further more until her mom comes down or calls you...she is not welcome to play at your house at all. Send her home. This will really send a message to the kid that she is NOT going to treat you that way.