Does the Guest Always Get His Way?

In my house we follow the same rule my parents had: for the first three visits, you're a guest; after that, you're family. I treat the "regulars" like my own -- including the same respect, the same rules, the same privileges.

Also, I believe in the old adage that it takes a village to raise a child. I count on parents of my children's friends to direct, support and correct as necessary when my girls are at their house and I do the same for their children when they're here. That includes telling them when to get off the computer, when to go outside, when to share and how to be considerate of each other.

You're doing that boy a favor.

To me, a "Guest" is invited....

He is inviting himself, and is not a guest... he is just a "pest".

You may have to set up times when kids CAN come over and play.. but you should not be the babysitter of the entire neighborhood! He is very quickly wearing out his welcome..... maybe you also need to talk to his M. and establish a few ground rules... is he the only one that is over all the time?

i'd be right back with 'he's here so much he's lost guest status, he's just part of our crowd!'
and it's true. the kids who 'lived' here became 'mine' in that they achieved near-family status with the casual love and familiarity that implies, and lost 'guest' status in that they don't get the slightly more formal niceties that 'guest' implies.
i love that you appreciate this little fellow's good qualities and aren't making snarky comments about the mom. no wonder your house is so popular.
absolutely no reason for all the other kids to jump to this little guy's tune. make it clear to him, and this will soon be a non-issue.
khairete
S.

Hold it...her son is playing on your property eating your food coming into your house, and she shows you up by telling her what her rules are even after asking how her boy is doing????? I don't care if she said it with a smile and offering you a 3 layer chocolate Godiva cake in one hand and the other hand on the Bible - that is just plain and simple rude to contradict someone else's house rules. As if!!!!

NO, in this case, the guest should never ever ever get his way. For everyone else, I still say the guest doesn't always get his way because 1) they aren't the boss of your house 2) they aren;t the boss of your kids 3) they aren't the boss of the grown up who owns that house and pay the mortgage and pays the bills 4) they can't distinguish what is safe at their home may not be safe in someone else's home.

Funny.
The mother said at her house, the guest gets to decide where to play, but it sounds like her kid is at your house more than he is at home.

In this situation, he's not a guest, he's a kid over playing with other kids.
Now, if it's a specific occasion where a child is invited over, they can perhaps choose what movie to watch or what game to play, but the fact remains that there is an adult in charge.
I've had housefulls of kids and if they couldn't all agree then I made the choice for them. Unless I invited kids over because one had a birthday coming up or something, then I'd let that child have some say in what snacks we had or something to that extent. But, when you've got a lot of kids, the "guest" rule goes right out the window. They can't ALL get to decide unless they are in agreement.
If the kids are at your house, you make the rules and the kids follow them. They obey your perameters. That's just the way it goes. We rarely get good weather so on sunny days, kids are outside. Period.

Just my opinion.

Your house, your rules. That's all there is to it. Fine she has her own rules at HER house. But he's not playing at home, he's at your house, and therefore must follow your rules or go home.

Honestly, I'd start putting my foot down, "If you don't want to follow my rules, then please go home." Same goes for him putting words in your mouth. Not cool.

Interesting post because it's one of several I've seen lately about situations where the poster's home is the hang-out spot for neighborhood kids -- and the hanging out goes on for hours and hours, even on school days. Not specifically arranged play dates for specific kids, just kids who arrive unannounced and stay. I'm not sure when any of these kids are getting homework done--?

There's a bigger issue here than the question about his being a guest. He's not a guest. He's a resident.

He may be a nice boy, but he's not your son, so I wonder what is so lacking at his own home that he is camping at yours? That you are feedling him full meals weekly? Do you also feel free to discipline him if he misbehaves? Do you have authority to make him stop doing something, or to order him home? (I think you do, but his mother apparently would think otherwise.) And she surely would be quick to come to you if her son were hurt at your house -- you would be legally liable.

I would end the after-school babysitting and the all-day marathon weekend babysitting (that's what it is, unpaid babysitting with you providing the meals) and the next time he turned up early on some Saturday I'd smile at him and say, sorry, we're on our way out the door, and we'll drop you back at your house on the way. Then DO that. I get that you like being part of the "village" but that idea includes mutual respect for the other villagers; his mom shows zero respect for you when she simply assumes that you will be available for her child. After all, the moms of other local kids don't do this, do they?

I think his mom is blatantly using you for huge amounts of free babysitting, frankly. She is using you, though she may not even realize it, and he is learning to use you through her example and your family's constant availability.

Time to break what has become a habit for a very manipulative family and tell them your children need after school for homework time and their own activities; and be going out the door the next weekend day he just shows up. Tell him he is very welcome to come over but needs to ask first. It may sound cruel but actually it would be a kindness to him; he needs to get to know his own family and they need to take responsibility for him. Dropping in whenever for however long you'll let him? That's not being part of a village, that's being rude. You do not have to let this child practically live with you in order to be hospitable to him.

Play dates and scheduled time w/ neighbors - the guest gets to choose. A child who is over ALL the time - no.

We have a huge neighborhood and the kids all run in a pack (5-7 yrs old) and yes we all use our manners w/ each other, etc. but the children are subject to the specific house rules of the parent watching them - even if it's on another neighbor's swing set, etc..

If they want to do something that I'm not comfortable with - i.e. move to the front yard to play when there are still kids playing in the back yard then I just say - I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait for your mom to get here to move to the front yard, I want you all to stay together while I'm watching you. Or - no climbing across the top of the swing set when your mom or dad aren't here.

At first it sounded like the parents were dumping the child off on you ... but her coming over to check things out makes it sound maybe that isn't the case? From my first take on your question I would say you are watching this child WAY too much and there needs to be better boundaries set.

If she mentions it again - just smile and say "he's over WAY too much to be considered a guest!"

Sorry, that kid is not a "guest". Did you and his mom set up a specific playdate? No? Does he basically "invite" himself over? Yes? That's not a "guest", that's just a kid who's using your property to play. It's your house - your rules should be adhered to. And guess what? If that kid doesn't like your rules, he's more than welcome to play at his own house and eat his own snacks and watch his own iPad. If the mom ever shows her surprise at your rules, just laugh and say "Well, he's here so much, I'm about to send you a bill for rent!" Jokingly, of course.

I think you are right on track. If it were a once-in-a-while playdate, then yes, I encourage my son to defer to his guest's interest. (He's five...still learning.) But if the child is coming over regularly, then it's "my house, my rules". And then I'd encourage the kids to make decisions as a group.

Also, it might help to keep your group playtimes/company times electronics free. I have a rule that "when we have friends over, it's time to play games or with toys or outside. Watching tv or spending time on the computer/ipad is something we do when we don't have company." This keeps the kids focused on play, and we actually don't do a lot of 'media time' in our house. However, it doesn't stop our young guests from asking me... and I just remind them that they're here to spend time with friends (in a friendly way) and that they can do that at their own home. This also eliminates a lot of discussions about what each child's family's rules are about what sorts of media/video/computer games their kids can play.

I think you are doing fine, keeping the pack in control is the right thing to do.
I don't believe "the guest is always right", just like I dont believe "the customer is always right", because they arent.

I totally agree with you and everyone else. We have a similar situation, but with older kids.

We live on a farm, so no neighbors. Kids have to be brought in. ;)

The past two weekends, a friend of my 14 year old has called and asked if he could come over and spend the night. I thought it was odd that he invited himself each weekend, but I've known him for 9 years and like him, so didn't really mind. Each weekend, he has come over on Saturday morning and stayed until Sunday evening. His parents didn't mind.

My son has to help around the house, and he isn't exempt from helping just because a friend is camped out at our home all weekend, so we had the friend help, too. The first weekend we had a huge, dead tree to chop down and haul to a burn pile. The boys had to help with that for a couple of hours. I couldn't believe the friend wanted to come back after that! This weekend we installed a couple of ceiling fans on the front porch, and they helped with that.

My point is that if a friend is over all the time, we treat them like family. We don't just work them to death; we also feed them, entertain them, and love them. :)

your house.. your rules. :) Honestly, he comes over ALL the time, he really isnt an occasional guest, he is the neighbor boy (different type of guest). All kids play together at your place, then all the kids need to decide where that is. This will give him an opportunity to learn what "majority rules" means. I am curious though, why doesnt he want to play outside?

I would start assigning him chores when he comes in the house like a regular resident kiddo!

no such rule, just hers because HER kid is always the guest lol.

what is frustrating to me, i have a similar "neighbor" (who i have literally never seen although my husband says he has). her son is constantly over at our house (which is not visible from theirs, i don't even know for sure which house he lives in. he has zero parental supervision. and it's on me to "parent" this kid when he is around because he can be destructive, rude, and does not "get" when it's time to go home. but that's my issue.

you are not being rude to this child. honestly when neighborhood kids are playing in our yard, they don't come inside. period. but then i have the above scenario with virtual strangers, whereas it sounds like you know your neighbors and are friendly with them. your house, your rules, period. don't let her throw you off....she doesn't seem polished up on her neighborly manners herself, to me. she is imposing her child on you more than i would be comfortable with if it was me. so keep doing what you're doing. you're being much more hospitable than i would be.

Well, it might be the rule for "normal" playdates but not for your house. CHildren that are over that often cross the line into honorary family members and should expect to be treated as such. Honestly-I am notssure that I would let another child, esp one like this boy, "live" at my house all day. You need to have some boundaries. Please don't be afraid to ask this boy to go home or come back later. I bet your daughter wouldn't mind a little break from him anyhow.

Hey -
I know you have received your answer and you are happy with it, but I also want to add a point. We have friends that live on the other side of the neighborhood (pretty far away). My son walks over there all the time and plays. Our friends have two boys whereas I just have one. I think that our friends like my son to go over there so that all three boys can play together (I do prefer them to play over there because I have a toddler who naps, etc). So anyway, my son plays over there a lot. One day, my friend called and asked if I could keep her boys from 7AM until 2PM one Saturday and I immediately said yes because I know my son plays over at her house a lot. Even though we did have plans and I told her that I would have to take her sons to various places with me throughout the day, I did not hesitate to say yes - because I KNOW it goes both ways. Does this other mom know this? Just something to chew on...

Good luck!
L.

A kid who is at your house without being invited is not a guest. You need to make some rules about the playtime lol. I would not have them all over all the time, supply all snacks etc and have them for hours and hours on end. As far as him being over early on the weekend I would put a stop to that all together. And tell these kids that your daughter will come and get them when she can play.

If he gets bored why isn't he just going/being sent home? Why does he have to come in your house? I agree with the others, he's not a guest, and I have never heard of that rule. I think you should buy his mother an Emily Post book on etiquette.

I think you are right not to let the little boy dictate terms. Tell the other mom that her son is at your house so much you consider him more like a part of the family than a guest.

In addition to what others have said, you don't have to let him play at your house every day either. You can and should tell him every once in awhile, "Not today."

And I cannot agree enough with what Sherry said: A kid that is at your house uninvited is not a guest.

I wouldn't feed them either - send them home to get snacks. That way, you get a break too!

If he is inside, and everyone else is outside, than you are babysitting :)

Ha ha ha!
The other mom is correct - the special guest SHOULD get to call the shots, because they are not there every day to enjoy the things your house has to offer.

However, you have wonderfully opened up your home to these children and encouraged them to make themselves at home. If you are there all the time, and treated as part of the family, you dont get special guest privledges.

With the boy - just tell him - "you need to go outside and play with the other kids." You don't need to give him a reason why.

I think it sounds like you are doing a great job. Thank you and I wish you lived in my neighborhood!