Romance After Children

Don't worry about wanting to be sexy. I only have 1 kid and would like more, but don't want to gain the weight. So having a another kid is a big decision for me. I had major surgery that caused me to loose 14 pounds. That weight loss put me at my pre-baby weight. I love it. I fit into clothes I never thought I would wear again. Don't get me wrong I love my son and he is very important, but my husband and our marriage is just as important. We found that if we don't pay attention to each other than our marriage is not going to last. Both of us will seek the attention else where. I don't want that. I want him to think I am sexy not the 19 year pre-baby blond next to me. So I think you can be sexy and have kids. Keep being a sexy mom, if you are happy then you are probably being a better mother. I just want to add that your husband does not want to come home from deployment and see that his wife does not take care of herself. My husband tells me all the time about the guys who are upset that their wife is gaining weight and does not take care of themselves anymore. So if you think your husband doesn't care, I am sure he is telling his friends how much he does. I am with you. Being sexy and a good mom is so much better.

Hi M.,

I completely understand where you're coming from. Sometimes my head wants to spin around with a 3-year-old, and parents telling me that romance dies when you have children. It is not true. Kudos to you! Keep on feeling sexy...You're doing a great job with balancing things in your life. Having children shouldn't hinder you from having fun, romantic nights with your hubby. Empower yourself, (which it sounds like you're already doing). It shouldn't be a matter of giving up your sensuality for some bottles and diapers. I'm not trying to minimize the importance and blessings that kids bring....I'm in tears when my daughter brings me flowers every day and tells me I'm "The best mommy in the world." That said, I get really frustrated when we don't get occasional breaks without her. I firmly believe it is better for each of us to have our own "down time." Kids need "time outs" from us, too. Having kids be the priority in a relationship is awesome, but having private time as a couple will only foster it & make it grow. First of all, you should make taking care of YOURSELF a priority. Parenthood should be a shared responsibility, in my opinion. You're entitled to your own relaxation (a.k.a., romantic dinners & movies). Sounds like you're definitely NOT chopped liver....hahaha. I admire your courage, as you're likely to receive tons of mixed responses. Give yourself some credit for keeping it all in perspective. You can be a great mom and a great wife, & have a life...all at the same time. Balance is the key. My advice is to forget about the idea that the husband comes first (after all, this isn't 1952). Marriage is a mutual, loving commitment to be cherished. Parenthood isn't the death of romance, I promise. Keep on feeling sexy.......

~R.

Aaah M., I feel your pain, but I'm a good bit older than you (37). It is getting easier here, but quite difficult to juggle life, mommyhood, household stuff, and desires. Hang in there, it will happen. We have learned that locking the door is the best thing for some intimacy. Our dear children are now 11, 5 and 4 and thanks to gov't regs the 11 yo can critter sit the other two since she is in 7th grade and mature enough. It allows us to skip out for a movie or errands or dinner on occasion which helps. My best suggestion for you is be patient because it will get better and happen. Also, Melatonin is a great thing to encourage sleepy kids to stay asleep and its all natural for those moments Mommy and Daddy want to have some adult fun at home. Sometimes it is nice to have date night at home after the kids are asleep, but you have to be creative. Don't give up your desire to be a sexy lady because no matter what age you are, your children are or your present circumstances - you can always be a sexy lady.

Good luck!

One sexy mama to another :)

A.

Just because others are happy without the romance (and they might not be) doesn't mean you should give up what you want in your relationship. If romance is important to you and your husband than go for it! Maybe you should be a beacon for those that think romance ends when kids come in the picture. Its great that they love their kids so much that they would do anything for them, but its not good to sacrifice your own happiness in the process or you might find that you become embittered towards your children or society for "forcing" you to be that super mom.

My husband and I will be married 22 years this April. We make time for romance and date as often as possible. Yes, having children changes your body, but, if your husband loves you it does not matter. Yes, we do need to take time for ourselves, getting our hair done, a facial, pedicure and just plain spending time alone at the grocery store makes us better wives and mothers. Remember someday the kids will be grown and gone, don't you still want to know your husband, he needs to be your best friend not the kids. I say buy that sexy nightie, farm the kids out for the night and go for it. Have fun!

My dear, your mistake is not, as you say "Not understanding why people don't see things my way,"--your mistake is caring what others think at all, and comparing yourself to others. You don't need the approval or understanding of other woman as far as what goes on between you and your husband. You do not need to understand why they don't like or appreciate what you do. Remember, many woman are unhappy, depressed, unhealthy, etc., etc., or--they never really had a proper relationship with their husbands before kids, so now the kids are just a convenient excuse. Or maybe, they just truly do not enjoy it. Regardless, it doesn't matter what is going on with these people. All that matters that you are happy with how things are with your husband. Why try to seek validation from others in this matter? Everyone's private lives are different, and it isn't constructive or even useful to compare. If other woman really didn't like the way things were, they would change things. Clearly, you do like how things are going. So I say, go for it and congratulations. But don't worry about what other people are doing or not doing. Just do your thing and be proud.